Always And Forever

The floor is cold when he stands on it. It sends chills up his spine. His door creaks too loudly when he pushes it open. The hallway is still, and silent. He walks down to Sam’s room. The door doesn’t creak as bad, and Sam is sleeping in his bed. Dean wonders if he is awake. Or maybe still sleeping. Nothing feels real.

He goes to Cas’ room.

He holds a tight breath when he pushes the door open. It shudders out of him when he sees Cas laying in the bed, blankets moving softly up and down in the rhythm of Castiel’s breathing. A hand is laying over the edge of the bed, fingers twitching. Dean doesn’t realize he’s walking over on wobbly knees until he’s practically leaning over Cas.

Cas doesn’t sleep. Not if he’s an angel. Dean must be dreaming.

Cas stirs, face scrunched up in confusion and sleep. “Dean?” He sits up on his elbows and rubs the sleep from his eyes. “Why are you in my room?” His eyes focus a little bit, “and why are you crying?”

Dean gasps when he realizes, and wipes the tears away quickly. “I….you…” he chokes out, tears coming faster than he can wipe them away. “You’re dead…I can’t…”

“Dean?” Cas says again, more worried as he pulls Dean to sit beside of him. “I’m not dead. What’s going on?”

“I’m still asleep. Of course I am, of course I am…” he cries into his hands, shaking his head.

“Dean, you’re not asleep,” Cas says, pulling Dean in. Dean let’s him, and his head falls on Cas’s shoulder. “I believe you may have had a nightmare.”

Dean laughs bitterly, “I wish. It’s only a matter of time before I wake up and I’m forced to deal with you being gone.”

“I’m not gone.”

Dean doesn’t fight it. Cas isn’t gone. He’s right here. If he wakes up, then fuck it. But right now?

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“I gotta…tell you something. Somethin’ that I didn’t say before you died.” Cas nods, eyes squinted and eyebrows furrowed. “I love ya, Cas.”

Cas smiles fondly. “I love you, Dean.” He pats Dean’s shoulder. But it’s not right. Dean shakes his head.

“No, Cas. I love you! I need you! I need you to be here when I wake up….” he shakes his head. “I don’t want to wake up.”

Cas frowns, and the hand on his shoulder is suddenly the deft fingers curling in his hair at the base of his neck. “Don’t wake up, then. Stay here. I love you, too. I always have, Dean.”

Dean feels broken. Pieces of him have been ripped out and shredded, thrown everywhere never to be found again. He’s lost. Everything he ever had accomplished seems torn to pieces now. Never waking up sounds good. Cas sounds good. The warm hand on his neck, fingers in his hair, feels good. Dean leans into it, eyes shut. Their foreheads meet, and when he opens his eyes Cas is still there, eyes searching Dean’s face. Dean dares it and closes his eyes again, another set of fingers brushing over his cheek. He can feel how close Cas is. How real.

Dean is sitting next to the body of his friend. He lost his family. His mom is in another universe with Lucifer. And his best friend, his brother, his angel is killed by Lucifer too. His wings burned through the earth. And he lost him. Again. He looks above but there is nothing to help him anymore. Nothing to bring his Cas back. His Cas.

He hears Sam’s footsteps behind him. But he doesn’t move near Cas’s body. And doesn’t look at Sam. He just looks at his hands in his laps and thinks what he’s gonna do now.

“Dean?”

Dean flinches and looks up to Cas’s face. It doesn’t move at all. His lips are sealed and eyes are closed. Then what was that? He’s sure he heard him just now-

“Dean?” The voice sounds more urgent now. And Dean turnes his head and looks behind him. It’s not Sam. It’s his angel standing there and he looks worried. Dean looks back at the body laying before him and then back to the standing angel. And he frowns. “Cas?” He stands up and looks at Cas from tip to toe. Cas is looking behind Dean to see his body. Wait, his body is there so who is he?

Cas frowns but he has sempathy in his expression. Then he looks at Dean. To his eyes and starts talking. “Dean… It’s okay. I’m fine.”

Dean is frustrated and can’t wait him to explain it. “How? How are you…still alive?” He looks a little angry too. And Cas takes a second look at the body. “Dean, I don’t know what happened here but I was passed out in the frontyard. That person isn’t me. Well, technically he is but he must be from the other univers-” He can’t even finish his sentence when Dean sighs and jumps on to him. Dean wraps his arms around his shoulders and burries his face in there. Cas just smiles and pats him slowly on his back.

“Cas!” Dean calls his name again like it’s the first time they see each other in years. And Cas is happy for Dean. He looked really hurt and troubled looking at his body when he first arrived the backyard. And Cas wanted to wipe that look on his face immeditaly. Dean relaxed against him and Cas doesn’t want to end the hug. Dean hugs him tightly but then he stops abrubtly and pulles away. A little lost in his words. “Sorry, I’m…uh…I thought you were…dead.” His voice cracks at the last word.

Cas is still holding his arms when he talks. “I’m sorry, Dean. I should have come earlier.” Dean puts himself back together at that and pulls away a little so Cas can’t hold his arms anymore. “Yeah. That wasn’t cool, buddy. We’re gonna talk about your napping times when we’re done here.” Cas can’t hide his smile and Dean is glad he is here, with him.

Then he remembers what they were here for and Sam isn’t around. “Oh, crap. Sam is inside with the baby. We should check on them. Come on.”

Cas doesn’t argue with that and follows Dean to the inside of the house.

@leviandtheunicorn