kalel

Her confidence had crumbled into pieces, it was worse than when they started dating when he had to whisper sweet words to her hear and tell her how beautiful he found her. 

“Why are you changing so much?” Renjun asked her when he met her in the corridors of their campus. 

“What are you talking about?” She asked, fixing her bag full of books on her shoulder, and starting to walk to the library with her friend. 

He sighed, rolling his eyes. “You know what I’m talking about.” 

“No, I don’t,” she replied, chuckling. 

“You never wore make-up,” he pointed out. Renjun wanted to add ‘not that style, not the kind of make-up Bora wears,’ but didn’t. She knew it. 

She sighed, pushing the heavy door and waiting for him to walk inside. “Wanted to change,” she shrugged. “New break-up, new me.” 

“Sure,” he huffed, pulling out a chair for her before sitting next to her. “You’re just hurting yourself.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied, hiding her face in her bag to look for the books they needed to study. 

“You gave him everything you had to give,” Renjun said. “If he’s dumb and doesn’t see the value in you it’s not your fault.” 

She lifted her face, glaring at him. “I’m doing this for myself.” 

“Yeah, just like you started going to the arcade for you, right?” He asked, placing his elbows on the table, staring at her, making her roll her eyes. “Jeno saw you, you were more concentrated on Bora and Haechan laughing because she got herself killed every two seconds than your own game.” 

She wanted to deny it, but she knew there was no point. She saw Jeno too, they made eye contact and then drifted away, but it was too late. And neither he nor Renjun were dumb to don’t know she didn’t care about video games at all. 

“He never let me play with him,” she confessed. “He always got mad at me because I wasn’t good. And now he’s laughing with her for the same mistakes I made.” 

“And knowing it will make you feel better?” 

She chewed her lower lips, head lowered as she pulled a hangnail on her thumb. “No, but I don’t understand. How can she be so much more exciting than me? What does she have that I don’t?” 

“He’s an asshole, that’s the only answer you need to give yourself,” Renjun insisted. 

“No,” she replied. “You know her better than me, you don’t have to lie. I know she’s more exciting. It took me one night to get she had everything to swipe him off his feet.” 

“Her being interesting doesn’t make you less.” 

She hummed. Of course, Renjun was going to say something like this to her, but she didn’t want his pity. She didn’t even know what she wanted. No, she knew. She wanted Haechan back and that was something she couldn’t have. 

“Let’s study,” she said, opening the first book. “I don’t want to think about him.” 

But she thought about him a lot, more than she should’ve. 

Every time that she was in her kitchen preparing coffee, she couldn’t help but remember their mornings together. 

“I promise coffee is not that bad,” she laughed at Haechan’s disgusted face as he pushed the cup back. 

“That’s like a shot of venom,” he said, trying to clean his tongue and get rid of the strong flavor. 

“It’s an espresso, of course, it’s strong,” she said before turning around and opening the fridge. “Wait, let me make it better.” 

“Yeah, throw it away.”  

She rolled her eyes, sitting next to him and pouring the milk into the small cup. “Drink it now, come on.” 

Haechan lifted his eyes on her, a furrow on his face, and then hesitantly grabbed the cup. “Just because it’s you,” he said before bringing it to his lips, tongue sticking out to try to taste just a bit before drinking it all. 

“So?” She asked, big bright eyes looking at him with hope. 

He sighed. “Hate to prove you right, but it’s good.” 

She clapped, letting out a squeal, “I told you! You never trust me.” 

“You nearly killed me before.” 

“I’d never kill you, I can’t live without you.” 

And it was true. Because now that he was gone it felt like she was carrying around an empty shell of her body. And she hated the way his favorite songs popped in her mind at the most random times. And she could still hear his angelic voice singing over them when he would let her lay her head against his chest and she could feel it vibrate and then drift to sleep into his hold while his voice lulled her. 

She couldn’t move on when he was in every corner of her house. She still had those self-help books she bought just to impress him, to make him think she was smart. Like she had to prove something to him when her history major was going so well, when she always aced everything since she was six. It still wasn’t enough. Somehow Haechan always found a way to don’t make her feel smart enough. 

“It’s not like you’re not smart,” he said, resting on the couch with one leg falling out, dangling back and forth. “You’re too emotional. You let that part of you get the best of you and you end up looking stupid.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with emotions,” she retorted, trying to push away the painful emotion she felt at his words. 

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “You panic over anything. The other day you got mad at me just because I was a bit more annoyed over the phone.” 

“Lately you are always annoyed,” she replied. “And not only over the phone.” 

“I told you, I’m tired,” he cut her off. “Anyway, you should read some self-help books, they might help you.” 

And she did, she listened. Starting from one and then reading so many more just to make him happy. But it wasn’t like they worked. She kept being her paranoic, obsessive little self because Haechan gave her enough reasons to be. No book was going to take away the way he acted and how much he pushed her back. 

“I thought you were smarter than this.” 

The last person she expected to ever talk to her approached her one day, making her turn around with a furrow on her face. 

“Shouldn’t you be at your table with your friends?” She asked when Jeno sat next to her in the university cafeteria, ignoring his words because she couldn’t get what he wanted from her, and she couldn’t care about it either. 

“Don’t want to deal with Bora and Haechan stuffing their tongues in each other mouths,” he said, making her gag just imagining them so close. “You were much less annoying.” 

“Is this a way to slap to my face how much better he’s doing without me?” 

Jeno shrugged, grabbing his chopsticks and starting to eat. “No,” he mumbled after swallowing. “I told you, I don’t get why you’re still obsessing over him.” 

She snorted, rolling her eyes when she got that he had no intention to leave her alone, and started to eat too. “I don’t care about him.” 

Jeno almost choked from laughing at what she said. “Please, be serious,” he said, looking at her up and down. “Look at you, baggy pants, neon tops, sneakers? What happened to your dresses and skirts and pastel colors? From looking like a fairy to looking like a hip-hop dancer.” 

“People can’t change?” She asked, tilting her head to look at him, still trying to understand what he wanted from her and why out of all the people he cared. 

“Sure,” he said, “but it would be less embarrassing if you didn’t try to be her copy.” 

She placed the chopsticks down and turned to him. “Leave.” 

“No,” he retorted, turning to face her. “He’s not worth it. He’s not worth none of the hurt you’re putting yourself through.” 

“You are his friend, not mine,” she said, not getting why he was acting like that. Were those words coming from Haechan? Maybe he saw her changes and found her annoying once again but didn’t dare to confront her? 

“I know, and I also told you I can’t stand them.” 

“Sure, it didn’t seem like you couldn’t stand her when he was dating me,” she huffed, going back to her food. 

“I guess he made you feel incredibly insecure, but,” he said, stopping for a moment because he didn’t know how to let her know what he thought without looking weird. “You are interesting. And you’re not annoying or whatever he made you believe,” he confessed. 

She stopped eating again, looking at Jeno with a furrow on her face. “Do you have a fever by chance?” 

“Oh, shut up,” he groaned, slapping her hand away from his forehead. “I’m serious.” 

“How do you know?” They never talked much, well, now that she thought about it, they never went past greetings and other small talks when they ended up being alone during their group hangouts. 

“You don’t want to know,” he said, drifting his gaze from her. 

“Oh, no, I do. You sound like a stalker.” 

“I’m not, you can be sure about that,” he defended himself immediately. 

“Then what it is? I don’t need your sympathy or worse your pity, Jeno. I already have Renjun filling me up with bullshits to make me feel better and trust me, it doesn’t work,” she snapped, raising her voice, making him look around, panicking when people turned around to look at them. 

“I didn’t eat,” she whined, barely grabbing her bag and trying to don’t fall on her steps as she hardly followed him when he grabbed her wrist and dragged her outside.

“We’ll skip the last lessons and I’ll pay for something outside,” he said, starting to walk out of campus, still holding her hand. 

“Jeno, what the hell,” she complained but then gave up. She couldn’t care less about university either, two hours skipped weren’t going to make her fail. 

“I know,” he whispered once they were outside of the garden, walking through Seoul, his hands hidden in the pockets of his jeans, his backpack on one shoulder, and his black hair hiding his face. 

“Yeah, how?” She asked, getting inside of his car once they reached it, not even sure why she was following him and maybe ending up getting more hurt than she already was. 

“Is there something of your heart left to break?” He asked, lifting his eyes to meet hers and when she looked behind him, he got that yes, there was something more to break. “Nevermind.” 

“I want to know anyway,” she begged, grabbing his arm without thinking before letting him go, pulling away. 

Jeno sighed, starting the car and driving to a place where they could eat. “Haechan talked a lot about you…” he confessed. “And not always in a positive way.” 

She was expecting to feel pain, to hurt more, but maybe there truly was nothing left of her heart to break. There was nothing left of her that Haechan could break because he had already destroyed everything. Her heart, her confidence, her passions, her intelligence.

“I honestly couldn’t get half of the critiques about you,” he admitted, his gaze was concentrated on the street, but she felt a weird nervousness in his voice, and she couldn’t understand why. He always seemed like the confident type, and he wasn’t her friend, so he had no reason to be afraid of hurting her. But she shrugged it off, she, unfortunately, had other things to worry about, like her ex-boyfriend talking shit behind her back when they were together. “A bit because you seemed the total opposite of what he used to tell and also because I couldn’t find flaws in many of the things he hated about you.” 

“Hated?” She asked, a look of disbelief on her face. Over the past months, she had come to the conclusion he couldn’t stand her anymore, but she never thought Haechan hated her.  

Jeno nodded, not daring to turn around and see her wrecked face. “Maybe your story became too much,” he guessed. He truly couldn’t comprehend how they fell apart. He was there since the start and imagined them to be together for eternity. She had been by Haechan’s side when nobody else was and Jeno couldn’t understand how Haechan could be so stupid to let her go, especially like this. And he couldn’t get an answer from his friend. Not that he asked, it wasn’t his business after all.

“What did he hate about me?” She dared to ask, looking down at her thighs because she felt tears at the corner of her eyes. But they threatened to fall even harder because Jeno was right, she looked pathetic trying to be Bora. She hated those clothes. She wasn’t like her. She wasn’t the kind of girl Haechan wanted and no matter all the clothes she could change, or lipsticks on her face, she was never going to be her. 

“Why would you do this to yourself?” He asked, parking the car before signaling her they had arrived. 

“You started talking to me,” she reminded him, closing the car door behind and following him as they walked toward the place. 

“And not to hurt you,” he said, scratching his neck, and she saw his mouth open again to say something, but no other words came out of his lips. 

“Then why?” 

He shrugged, avoiding her gaze. “Because I think you’re smarter than this dumb thing of trying to be a copy of her. And because…nothing. We’re here,” he said, turning left and pushing the door open before looking for an empty table. 

“No, finish,” she insisted, sitting in front of him, and now it was harder to escape her interrogating gaze. 

“Because you deserve better than him,” Jeno confessed, cheeks reddening. 

“I will never have him back,” she replied with a bitter chuckle as she felt her heart clench as the realization hit her again. 

“That’s why I wish you stopped acting like this,” he said before handing her the menu. “It’s on me, get whatever you want,” he added. “What?” He asked when a smile curled her lips and she hid her face behind the papers. 

“Nothing,” she mumbled. “I thought you hated me and here you are, paying for my lunch, trying to wake me up from my fantasies about my ex.” 

“You thought I hated you?” He asked, raising a brow, eyes widening in surprise. 

“Let’s say you weren’t the most welcoming of his friends,” she explained, smiling at him again before focusing on the menu. 

“Let’s say you’re not good at reading people considering how you let him treat you,” he whispered but she heard anyway.

“You do stupid things when you want to keep somebody by your side,” she replied, but she wasn’t mad, not at Jeno at least, because he wasn’t wrong. She was terrible at reading people, especially when she loved them. 

“Yeah, but now?” 

She hesitated before answering, “I know… but I can’t help but still want to be enough for him. I meant too much for him. I have no idea how I…” she had to stop, feeling her eyes wet again and a gulp form in her throat. “I don’t get how he couldn’t care less about someone that loved him so deeply. I don’t get how after everything that tied us he could forget me that easily.” 

Jeno nodded. “I don’t get it either. And I know you don’t want me to be the one saying those things but as I said before, you don’t deserve all this pain.” 

“I don’t know how to make it go away,” she confessed. “I don’t know how to make him go away.” 

“Or maybe you didn’t even try,” Jeno whispered with a hesitant voice, shily meeting her eyes, and feeling his heart clench seeing that they were off, nothing of her old bright eyes was there anymore.  

“I just… I want myself back but I feel that he’s such a big part of me and I know this is wrong, but he took so much of me, Jeno. I cannot erase so many years of my life in the blink of an eye.” 

And he wanted to tell her that yes, she could, just like he did. He wanted to tell her that the way he moved on so easily should’ve been enough for her to do the same or to at least don’t let him have so much power over her. But when he looked in front of him and saw her shaking as she tried to hold back the tears, he realised that Haechan was right. She was too emotional for this, too emotional for his careless way. She loved too much and Haechan didn’t know how to deal with so much love. Now that she looked at him, apologizing when a tear rolled down her cheek and ranting about how pathetic she looked and how weird this all was, he realized why she and Haechan didn’t last. 

“Hey,” Jeno called her, grabbing her hand that was moving frenetically to fix the bottle with flowers she made fall by mistake, “look at me. It’s alright,” he said, smiling before he wiped her tears away. “Why don’t we eat without thinking about him?” 

She nodded, slumping back in the seat, hating herself a bit more because she wasn’t so sure she could’ve avoided thinking about Haechan. Not now that she knew that he truly started slipping out of her hold much longer than that and only God knew how many other girls made him turn his head because she had never been enough for him. Because she was not enough and too much at the same time and she had no idea how to deal with it. Jeno was wrong when he said that their story became too much. The heavy thing that dragged them to the bottom of the sea was her. She was too much to take and at the first chance Haechan got, he ran away. 

But weirdly enough Jeno was good at keeping her mind off her ex. He listened to her, something nobody did in ages. And he was funny, unlike the times they hung out together and his jokes never hit. Sure, it wasn’t the kind of humor that anybody could get, but right now it was enough to make her crack a laugh and feel her heart less heavy. 

And with time, it turned out that Jeno in general was really good at don’t make her think about Haechan. She had no idea when they started hanging out so much, probably after he had asked for help for a class he was about to fail because he couldn’t even memorize the basis and they spent afternoons in the library studying, occasionally with Renjun’s company, that was finally happy to see that she didn’t look so heartbroken anymore. 

“So, you’re finally stepping out of the house without me dragging you by the hair,” Renjun joked, they were sitting on the sidewalk while they waited for Jeno to bring them their orders from the street food stand in Hongdae. “And most importantly,” he said, looking at her dress and the make-up on her face, “you got back to being yourself.” 

“You were right, it was dumb trying to be like her,” she said, resting her head against his shoulder. “Also, I look better in pink than in bright colors.” 

Renjun chuckled, and then asked, “And your heart? Got back to beat for someone else?” He pointed his head to Jeno that briefly turned around to smile at them while he waited in line. 

“What are you talking about?” She asked, pushing him off. 

“You know what I mean.” 

She rolled her eyes. “He’s just a good friend, like you.” 

“Are you sure?” 

She hummed, biting her nails, before saying, “I’m getting back up on my feet, but I’m still hurt, Injunnie. And…sometimes I still think about you know who.” 

Renjun laughed before pinching her cheek. “Take your time, baby. And, next time, fall for someone that won’t hurt you this bad.” 

“That someone that hurt me that bad is your friend.” 

“And? You have no idea how much I fought with him for the way he treated you.” 

Before she could say anything else, Jeno came back. 

“Teobokki for my favorite girl,” he said, handing her the cup, making her lower her head and mumble a low ‘thanks’ and then he turned to Renjun, “and a tornado potato for you.” 

“Thanks,” Renjun said. “Should we start walking again?” 

The other two hummed and started walking through Hongdae again to enjoy more local singers or dancers covering songs. But she couldn’t help but think about what Renjun had told her. 

She wasn’t feeling anything for Jeno, right? No, of that she was sure, at least, she believed her heart was too wounded and broken to start beating again. And she also knew that when she occasionally crossed Haechan she could feel a weird sensation in her stomach, but she couldn’t tear the butterflies and the venom apart. 

On the other hand, she knew that Jeno made her feel good. But she couldn’t call it love. 

She liked the way he would rest his face on his crossed arms and listen to her talk no sense for hours, his eyes crinkling up every time he laughed or smiled at something she said. 

She liked the way he never made her feel stupid, even when her emotions would take over and tears fell a bit too easily from her eyes. 

She liked the way he listened to her repeat for her history exams and didn’t find it boring even if she knew that it was terribly boring for him and he couldn’t care less about wars, politics, and social dynamics all around the world.

She liked hearing him talk about dance without mocking her when she didn’t understand some specific terms, or when they tried choreographies together and she couldn’t keep up with him. Most of the time it lead to them laughing on the floor like fools while they struggled to breathe from the laughs and the fatigue. And when she laid there, at his side, so close to him feeling light, she could feel her heart beat just a bit faster than usual. And maybe her stomach twisted when he turned around and smiled at her, his shaky hands moving a strand of hair out of her face. 

But it was too soon, it definitely wasn’t love, and she couldn’t jump into another relationship without looking. She couldn’t use him as a replacement, she couldn’t hurt him when she was the first one to know how painful being used and betrayed was, so she left Jeno there, in the back of her heart, under the ‘friend’ label because she knew she wasn’t ready for another heartbreak. 

“So, Jeno’s the lucky one.” 

When she heard those words and that voice she felt her heart drop to the floor, her stomach clenched uncomfortably and she felt struck on the spot. But she still turned around, the lights of the party weren’t enough to don’t make her see Haechan standing there behind her, unfortunately for her with the same handsome face of always. And the music wasn’t loud enough for her to pretend she didn’t hear him. 

“Jealous?” She asked, tilting her head and holding the glass in her fingers tighter. 

“I just think that it’s just a low move to go with one of my closest friends,” he said. 

She laughed, not a chuckle or a smile, a laugh, loud enough to make some others at the party turn around and stare at them before Haechan glared them off. “You talk about what’s a low move or not. You have some gut to come here and teach me a lesson.” 

“You broke up with me,” he replied.

“Of course,” she chuckled, shaking her head, “how long has it been? Two months since we spoke last and you still don’t get it, you still don’t get all the pain you put me through.” 

“I told you, I never cheated,” he said, taking a step forward but she stopped him with a glare.

“Yeah, because cheating is the only painful thing you can do, right? Don’t you think I loved you too much to be used and discarded? Don’t you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing? Not even respect. I’m not asking you to love me, I don’t need it anymore. No, worse, I don’t want it anymore. But you could at least stop coming in between my happiness. Why are you mad? Because your best friend can give me all the love you were never able to give me?”

“I loved you and you know it. You can’t delete five years of our story just for someone that arrived in your life in what? Two months?” He told her and when she looked at him with a serious face, eyebrow raised and a smirk on her face, it hit him. That was exactly what he did to her but two weeks after they broke things off. He was getting mad at her for the same thing he did, but he did even worse, he hurt her more than she could ever do now. 

“So, is it clear now? Do you feel at least half of the pain I felt? Do you feel betrayed like I felt?” 

Haechan didn’t answer, he stood there, staring at her while all his mistakes crumbled on his shoulders and pushed him to the ground. He was the reason their story fell apart. He had hurt her. He had betrayed her. And he couldn’t get mad at her for moving on with anybody else, not even if it was Jeno, not even if that meant seeing them together all the time. 

That was her payback, and all of a sudden, he realized he had no more reasons to be mad. And probably, it would’ve been better if he simply avoided approaching her in the first place. But he did that, and they were there now, and he deserved it, he deserved to feel all the humiliation he was feeling right now.  

But she was glad he did. Sure, those past months not talking to him helped her, but this conversation made him realize what he had put her through. And she loved to see that he was finally bleeding too. Sure, revenge wasn’t a virtue, but she couldn’t care. She was tired of his smug smile, of his confidence when he broke her apart. She was tired of seeing him walking around like a God without realizing all the pain he was causing. 

And right now, in front of her, there was a broken-hearted Haechan and she had no idea if he was regretting it because he missed her, because he had realized that Bora couldn’t give him what she gave him, or if simply because he didn’t like losing and his pride now was eating him alive. Knowing him, well, finding out over time who he truly was, she would’ve bet on the latter, but she truly didn’t care. 

Haechan wasn’t her problem anymore. 

She was done with this story, with him, with his lies, and his games. 

And since he seemed to have no intention to talk again, she started walking past him. She had a party to go back to, and an entire night to dance between arms that weren’t his, between the arms of someone that made her feel good and enough. A feeling she had forgotten all these years by his side. 

“And for your information,” she said, turning around again because she needed to put an end to this with a light heart, “between me and Jeno there’s nothing. But who knows, someday I’ll be everything to somebody else. And they’ll think that I’m so exciting. And maybe then, only then, you will be the one who’s crying.” 

Haechan didn’t dare to meet her eyes, the floor wouldn’t have hurt as much as meeting her cold heart would’ve, the floor couldn’t remind him that she wasn’t his anymore and it was all his fault. 

“All I ever wanted was to be enough for you, Haechan,” she said, looking into his eyes when he lifted them, and not feeling pain, not feeling anything anymore. “But thanks to you I found out I was already enough for someone else. And I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to hurt myself just to keep them. They don’t leave me all alone crying, wondering what I did wrong.” 

“You were enough for me,” he tried to stop her from leaving him again, grabbing her hand but she swiftly pulled away from his hold, making a crack form in his heart. 

“No,” she replied, a bitter smile painted on her face as she stared into his brown eyes, “I don’t think anything could ever be enough for you.” 

This downpour was the forerunner of autumn, and the next season was approaching early this year. The sudden drop in temperature made you shiver, but you hadn’t been able to grab a jacket before running out of the venue. Since it was still early in the morning, you had been all alone while trying on the gown and waiting for the others - the possible worst mistake you could have made on the day of your wedding. Suddenly, panic had taken over you and you felt like you couldn’t breathe anymore.

Taeyong didn’t ask questions over the phone, he only wanted to know, “Where are you now?”

“At-... at the wedding venue…”

“I’ll be there.”

You were waiting under a tree in the driveway, silently praying that none of the employees you had hired for your big day would start their shift so early except for the ones who had opened the venue for you. To them, you had said you needed some fresh air and dismissed all questions about why you ran out into the pouring rain in your wedding gown and with no umbrella for protection.

Tires squealed when a black car came to a halt in front of you. Either he had been incredibly fast or you had been too swept up in your thoughts while waiting. Nonetheless, you ruffled the long tulle skirt around your waist and sprinted through the rain right to the vehicle where the door already opened for you from the inside, collecting the meters and meters of fabric until every inch of the pompous dress fitted with you on the seat.

As soon as the door fell closed, you felt like a huge burden had been lifted off your shoulders, like you had finally gotten rid of a pesky chaser. But today was your wedding day, and no one was supposed to feel like this on their own wedding day.

“Thank you.”

“Where to?” Taeyong asked, the car already moving. 

He was not dressed according to his duty today as the best man, but casually as though he had quickly thrown some clothes together before driving here. He was a night owl, partying very often and very hard, and you only now noticed that at this time of the day, he probably only came home from a club. Or threw out a woman.

“Just… away, please.”

“There is a jacket in the backseat. Take it.”

“Thank you.” 

You turned around and reached for the leather jacket that was sprawled out behind the driver’s seat. At first, you were reluctant in case it was from one of his flings who had forgotten it here, but as you put it on, it hung way too loose around your upper body, indicating that this really was Taeyong’s after all. 

You shivered a bit less with the jacket on and your heart felt lighter as well the further you drove away from the venue, the view onto the building already blurred by the rain in the rear mirror. Good, just far away from it, anywhere was fine. You hadn’t chosen this venue yourself anyway, just like the dress. Everything was so big, too much, too pretentious. You hadn’t wanted this all.

The gown’s fabric felt wet and heavy in your hands and you tried to place it in a way that would make it easier for you to sit while Taeyong was driving silently, not uttering a word, not even throwing side glances at you. If it were Jaehyun sitting next to you, he would have already bombarded you with questions as to why you had run away from the venue at such short notice. 

But Taeyong didn’t inquire about anything. That was the reason why you had called for him in the first place and not for anyone else. You had never had some kind of relationship. He would not bother you, he would not try to sympathize with your situation.

Time passed, having enveloped you in silence until the car came to a halt right in front of a place you had only been to once when you had lost your keys and Jaehyun was out of town. Even back then, you had only spoken the bare minimum to each other as he had thrown the keys out of his window with you catching it on the street.

“I figured the last place anyone would ever search for you was at mine.”

He was right. Nobody would search for a runaway bride at the groom’s younger brother’s home she had never formed a bond with. 

The rainfall hadn’t stopped, and you found it ironic that after weeks of pure sunshine, it rained only on this day like it was some kind of bad omen. You left the car after Taeyong, the long tulle skirt more of a hindrance than you had expected, but he was by your side within seconds and held the door open so that you could get out without stumbling. 

With hurried steps, you then followed him inside the building, the smell of mold and old furniture instantly meeting your nose. Taeyong didn’t live in a modern penthouse like you and Jaehyun, but in a single apartment at the other side of the city where you would usually never step foot in. Yet, it was the most secure place for you right now.

Reaching the third floor by foot, your wedding gown now felt as heavy as though the fabric was made of bricks. You stood awkwardly by the door after entering while Taeyong walked further into his flat without waiting for you.

“You coming?” He asked, turning his head back to you, his gaze lazy. “What are you waiting for?”

The tips of his platinum blonde dyed hair were wet as well from helping you out of the car, and he already had a towel around his shoulders where the small droplets fell on. You had always been fascinated by this unconventional color and his courage to just go through with it. Only now, you admitted to yourself that he pulled it off quite well.

You set one foot after another, slipping out of your sneakers that you then neatly placed next to the door. Despite this place not being yours and having other rules or no rules at all, you stuck to your routines before following Taeyong into the living room. 

“Wait here,” he said and disappeared into the room behind the living room which you assumed was where he slept before coming out a minute later with a staple of clothes and a towel in his hands. “Here. I figured you would want to take a shower and change your clothes.”

He was right. “Thank you. And I’m sorry about ruining your leather jacket.”

“Don’t worry about that. The bathroom is over there.”

You took the new clothings and the towel into your arms and went to where he was pointing his finger at. Surprisingly, it was the cleanest bathroom you had ever been in, even challenging yours. You hadn’t pegged Taeyong to be the neat type like you. But then again, you didn’t know him at all, so you had no right to be taken aback when you were so judgemental.

You first took off Taeyong’s leather jacket and started shivering all over again. It smelled like Taeyong himself - of lemongrass and ginger. Very manly, very significant. You knew because his car had also smelled of that and he left a faint scent wherever he went for years.

“You need help?” Taeyong asked, peeking into the bathroom as you hadn’t closed the door yet.

“Can you help me unzip the gown, please?”

“Sure.”

You didn’t know how you had gotten into it yourself, but taking off a dress was sometimes much harder than getting into one, especially as this one was a custom. You had never quite liked the heart neckline without straps, how tight the corset hugged around your cleavage and the meters of tulle that spread out like a cupcake from your waist downwards. It was excessive and flamboyant. It just wasn’t you.

You turned your back to Taeyong, and his fingers felt warm against your skin when he took the zip into his hand and pulled it all down.

“Thank you.”

“It doesn’t suit you anyway,” he deadpanned on his way out. 

“... what?”

“The dress.”

“I don’t need an insult now, Taeyong,” you sighed. “It’s not the time.”

“It was not an insult,” he cleared up monotonously. “I was just indicating that a more classic wedding dress would have suited you much better.”

A classic wedding dress, hm. A dress made of rich silk in the color of ivory that hugged you at the right parts and flowed down in an a-line. That was what you had dreamed of as well. But Jaehyun and your families had always pictured something else for you.

“I think so too,” you admitted before you closed the door behind you.

____

Five hours before the wedding

You stepped out of the bathroom in a pair of gray sweats that hung loose around your waist and a white t-shirt that was way too big for you too as they all belonged to Taeyong. But at least you had been able to get rid of that dress you hated so much. 

You still dried your wet hair with a towel, smelling of lemongrass and ginger yourself now as you had used Taeyong’s shower gel. He was sitting in the kitchen preparing some rice and side dishes as you walked in.

“I don’t own a hair dryer, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine without one. What are you doing?”

“Breakfast. I don’t know whether you’ve eaten yet or if you’re hungry at all. But I am… and just in case you’re too… I’m trying my best with what I already have.”

Breakfast consisted of leftover rice, fried eggs and some pickled tomatoes, but you were still grateful for him to stand in the kitchen and make all these despite not having expected guests.

“Thank you.”

“Please stop thanking me,” Taeyong urged when he placed the rice on two different bowls and brought them over to the table. Then, the eggs and tomatoes on other ones. “I lost count on how many times you thanked me already within the past hour. More than in all those years combined.”

“You’ve never given me any reason to thank you in the first place.”

He glared at you.

“I’m sorry, that was inappropriate,” you apologized sincerely. “I should be grateful for your hospitality.”

He simply ignored it. “Eat up before it gets cold.”

You took a seat opposite of him and put some eggs and tomatoes on your rice. It was a simple dish, but only now you realized how hungry you actually were since you hadn’t been able to eat anything since last evening - out of excitement. Or fear. You weren’t quite able to distinguish these two yet.

Suddenly, Taeyong’s phone started vibrating. But instead of looking at it, he looked at you while chewing. “Where is your phone?”

Your eyes widened, and in reflex, you touched the pockets of your joggers. “I assume I lost it while running to your car, or in this thick dress, I don’t know. My family must already be at the venue for the preparations though, and I’m supposed to be there too by now. They must be worried.”

Taeyong’s eyes darted to his phone, then back to you. “It's your mother. I should buy you some time to figure out what to do next.”

“But why is she calling you?”

“I suppose she called everyone else already.”

Until now, the damage that you had done hadn’t dawned on you yet. But for your mother to call Taeyong, she must be worried sick. 

“You want to talk to her yourself?”

“No. I still need to collect… my thoughts.”

“Okay.” Taeyong picked up his phone and greeted your mother. “I also don’t know where she is, I’m sorry… Perhaps, she’s gone to the tailor to get something on her dress fixed… Yes I will call when I know. Bye.”

Now, you were the one who glared at him, chewing angrily. “That’s the best you could come up with? Doesn’t sound so plausible or something that could take hours.”

“You should thank me in case you decide to show back up there. We can go anytime you want and nobody needs to know about your… temporary breakout.”

“It’s not temporary. I won’t be showing up at all,” you confessed reluctantly and placed the fork back on the top of the bowl after only a few bites, suddenly not feeling hungry at all anymore. The following words took you much overcoming. “I’m just collecting my thoughts to put them into the right words and tell him, them all. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing again?” He carried on with eating as though you hadn’t just dropped a bombshell.

“Because I’m blowing up a wedding that’s been the highlight for so many people. The guests, the money, the-”

“Screw the money, it will all come back,” Taeyong interrupted. “And screw the people. It’s not their wedding, it doesn’t matter what anyone else feels. It’s your decision alone.” Taeyong’s voice was calm and he put another bite of side dishes on his rice, appearing totally unfazed even though it clearly involved his brother. It was his wedding too.

You didn’t dare to dig deeper, to question what he exactly meant with that, why he was so supportive and didn’t talk you out of it, dragging you down the aisle himself if he must. Did he think he dodged a bullet and was secretly happy to finally get rid of you? Then why had he driven you all the way here and didn’t kick you out into the pouring rain again?

The rest of the breakfast was taken in silence and you volunteered to do the dishes. You didn’t leave it at that though and proceeded to not only clean the table, but also the tiles around the stove, although everything was already very spic and span. You just needed something to do until you knew how to proceed with the day. By the time you were done, your hair was also dry.

“You know you’re a guest and not my cleaning lady, right? Besides, it’s already very clean here,” Taeyong dropped in passing, peeking into the kitchen.

“It helps me get occupied and think about what to do next.”

“Don’t forget the refrigerator if you’re already at it, I never come around to do it myself.”

You stuck out your tongue, but couldn’t help it and bit down a chuckle.

____

Four hours before the wedding

With wrinkled fingers, you stepped into the living room where Taeyong was seated on the couch, watching TV. Your dress had found its way from the bathroom to a hanger by the door, a bit cleaner, but not less wet than before. Taeyong must have brought it out while you were occupied in the kitchen.

“I assumed you would want to store it and let it dry until then.” He looked up to you. “That is… if you still want to keep it.” His look was wary, but full of expectation. 

“I want to burn it.” Taeyong, who had always been the reckless and the most unratable person you knew, was now the one getting startled. “I don’t want to wear it ever again. I don’t even want to look at it.”

He hesitated. “I’ll put it away, okay?”

Taeyong stood up and took the dress with the hanger from the door. He brought it over to his bedroom so that it was out of your sight. At the very same moment, his cell phone began to ring. Your mother again, as you saw on the display. Of course, the time of the ceremony was drawing closer and there was no sight of the bride herself.

“What should I say this time?” Taeyong wanted to know from you upon his return.

“That the wedding today won’t happen.”

While you were in the kitchen, you had had enough time to think this all through. Your wedding day was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, not the most miserable one. There were no right words to tell your mother that you weren’t getting married anymore though, so you should just go with it by heart. You agreed on Taeyong inventing something until you got your phone back and were able to call your mother.

“I also don’t know where she is now anymore, I just heard from a friend… No, I don’t remember which one,” were the words you heard Taeyong speak in the bedroom while you sat on the couch, staring at the TV that was still running, but not quite absorbing the flickering pictures. “I’m supposed to meet with Jaehyun in an hour at the venue. I’ll be there soon, then we can talk.”

When Taeyong returned, he was already fully dressed with his shoes on and then reached for the leather jacket that you had worn shortly before. The keys were dangling in his fingers. “I will look for your phone at the spot where I picked you up. And they haven’t told my brother yet that you’re still not there, so I have to hurry before they break it down to him in the most insensitive way possible.”

Brother… Of course. How could you have been so ignorant and made it all about you? Jaehyun was Taeyong’s brother. The sole fact that you were here and seeking shelter probably already put him into a conflict of interest. Now, you even demanded him to do the dirty job for you. He should stay with his brother, supporting him throughout this hard time. Instead, you had forced yourself onto him, the one responsible for this entire turmoil.

“I… I am the one who isn’t supposed to be here,” you murmured more to yourself than to him. “I shouldn’t have dragged you into this… I was so selfish. I should go back and explain it to everyone, I should just… I should… I’ll fix this myself now.”

Like in a trance, you put your feet from the couch back on the ground, preparing yourself to leave, but Taeyong held you back by your shoulder. His hand dropped down to your arm until they found your cold palm, his fingers enclosing around yours in a reassuring gesture.

“Do you feel like going there?” His gaze was impenetrable, a great contrast to his comforting touch. Both possible responses could be right and wrong. “Answer me honestly, do you feel like seeing my brother? And I’m not referring to today. Do you feel like spending your life my brother… at all?”

“No.”

This answer came quickly and honestly, and Taeyong decided to act on it before you could change your mind. He arose, but this time it was you who held him back by his hand, scared to let go of him. Your expression showed desperation, and a bit of hope. You didn’t want him to go. You didn’t want to be alone right now.

And as though he was able to read your thoughts, he said, in the most tender tone you had ever witnessed him use with his thumb gently brushing over the back of your hand, “I’ll be back shortly, I promise.”

____

Three hours before the wedding

Taeyong’s lifestyle was entirely different from yours, the life you lived with Jaehyun. You were minimalistic, modern and followed an industrial interior design. Taeyong’s was a chaotic mess, he didn’t follow any style at all. 

While his kitchen was kept unoccupied and clean just like his bathroom where you had even noticed every etiquette of a bottle facing in the same direction, his living room was blocked with cabinets, shelves and even showcases where he displayed a collection of shoes and different figurines, some you recognized as animes as well as lego from different series and franchises. 

Also in the living room, next to the big TV, he had set up his gaming corner with three different screens. On the other side, something you oddly only noticed now, he kept fishes in a big tank. You hadn’t been aware that he was taking care of animals - a trait you had always been assured of said a lot about people: that they treated others with respect, that they were caring and endearing. Basically everything you hadn’t pegged Taeyong to be.

Since you were already on your feet, you made your way to the bedroom. You assumed that since you’ve seen everything else, he wouldn’t mind that as well with your wedding dress hanging in there anyway. In contrast to his living room though, his bedroom was free of most nick nacks. The bed was huge and unmade, but the many blankets and pillows looked very inviting. There were dumb bells on a yoga mat next to the window and aside from that, a huge closet that spread across the wall, with tids and bits of fabric peeking through the doors that seemed to barely close anymore.

You sat down on the bed, the mattress giving in under you. On the nightstand, there was a small lamp and a book. Upon closer inspection and picking it up, you recognized it was a book to learn English, and it had sat upon a pack of condoms that was already opened.

You rolled your eyes and wondered if, shortly before he had made his way to you, a woman was lying in here, hoping for a lazy morning but got thrown out. You put the book back on the package and flopped onto the bed. While staring at the ceiling, you listened to the rain still pattering against the window. Today had been a bad day to get married outside anyway.

As you laid there and slowly drifted off to sleep, you wondered when you had stopped imagining a life with Jaehyun.

____

Two hours before the wedding

“Jaehyun is a fool, what’s new.”

You started from your sleep, suppressing a gasp at the last minute. The bedroom’s door was only slightly ajar when you sat up, but you clearly heard people coming into the apartment and only counted yourself lucky to not be in their view right now.

One voice belonged to Taeyong. The other, clearly to his father.

“Don’t talk about your brother like this,” the elderly man chided. “Jaehyun is still keeping his hopes up, you should support him. Lately, she does these kinds of things, he told me. Like going clubbing with her friends and coming home only early in the morning. He had to talk her out of it as she’s a grown woman already. She even considered requesting a sabbatical at work and traveling the world. Jaehyun had to tell her to keep her stable job during such times. Also, she wanted to pick new furniture for their home, but he had to prohibit her that as they just recently moved in. In the end, Jaehyun knows her better. He’s positive she will still show up. Eventually, she always comes to her senses, that’s what he told me. She always does.”

This entire conversation made you so angry, your blood was boiling. You had never looked at it from this perspective. Eventually, you would come to your senses? Perhaps, that was the problem. You shouldn’t come to your senses in the first place. You had thought you would do Jaehyun a favor by listening to him, but when have you ever done yourself a favor?

“Why did he insist on you coming with me then?” They had already reached the living room as Taeyong asked this. 

“He thinks she might be coming over here at some point if not to the venue first, so he remained there and wanted me to wait here.”

“Why would she come over to my place?” Taeyong’s voice oozed with suspicion. “And even if, I could bring her too, there was no need for you to follow me here.” Your heart pounded against your chest so hard, you feared they would hear it. 

“Jaehyun said that it’s because when she gets cold feet, she will flee to the one person who won’t judge her, but not to her best friend as everyone would suspect her being there. I’m here to make sure to talk to her in a way that you won’t be able to.”

Taeyong snorted. “As you implied, we never had any kind of relationship, she would never seek shelter with me in the first place.” He was kind of a good liar, you had to admit.

“You might not have some sort of relationship,” his father explained calmly, “but you have some kind of mutual understanding going on between you two. You laugh at the same things, you brood over the same things, you argue over the same things. So Jaehyun was afraid you might hold her back and support her decision to cancel the wedding.”

“We barely even speak. Why would he feel that way?” Taeyong responded with much confusion, and you felt the same. 

“This, he never told me directly, but I can see too.”

“I have no right to judge her decision and you don’t have one either. If she wants to cancel the wedding, then she has every right to do so.”

“See? That was why I was supposed to come here. In the end, Jaehyun knows better.”

Silence.

“Excuse me for a bit, I’ll go get changed into dry clothes, okay?”

You slid from the bed and hid by the corner in the opposite direction of where he would enter. Taeyong spotted you right away and closed the door behind him. He put his index finger to his lips, gesturing you to stay silent and pulled something out of the pocket of his jeans. It was your phone.

You knew what you had to do. You had to call Jaehyun and tell him that there wouldn’t be a ceremony at this point, that he shouldn’t hold his hopes up anymore. This much, you owed him and everyone that was supposed to join the wedding today. But it was just so hard.

Tears burnt behind your eyes. Always, Jaehyun took care of the complicated things in your life such as doing taxes or asking for a refund. When it came down to these kinds of situations, you weren’t the strong, independent women you wanted to turn into anymore. You needed somebody’s help.

Taeyong withdrew the phone upon encountering your exasperated expression and went over to his closet where he pulled out some clothes to change into. You didn’t know why you hadn’t noticed before, but in the closet, next to your wedding dress, hung his suit that he was supposed to wear as a best man. But he didn’t touch that. 

Instead, Taeyong pulled his wide hoodie over his head along with the t-shirt that he wore underneath and revealed his muscular back to you upon changing. His muscles tensed and strained as he reached for a new shirt and dragged it over his torso. In only these few seconds, you had spotted a few tattoos you had never seen before. When had he gotten them and what were their meaning? You were curious and fascinated by a man who you had known for so long and still not at all.

When Taeyong turned around to you, he had typed an entire message into your phone and held it in front of you.

“I can’t marry you. I’m sorry.”

Short and painful. Just how you felt in reality. You nodded, and he sent the message. 

____

One hour before the wedding

Taeyong’s father left after only five more minutes. Jaehyun had called him, and judging by the way Taeyong now spoke heatedly into his phone as well, you assumed that the news about the bride canceling the wedding over a text had already reached all attendees while your own phone was turned off with everyone now supposing you were at your best friend’s house who luckily covered for you.

You knew Jaehyun deserved better as well as everyone involved. But you just weren’t there yet. When it came down to conflicts, you were never the confronting type and always let others fight these battles for you. Just like Taeyong at this moment. And he did it willingly and with much passion, you just didn’t know why. The Taeyong who ignored you, made snarky remarks and only turned his attention to you when there was something to laugh about or mock you with wouldn’t do all that. 

“Alright, alright. Yeah, I will call you should I receive news. Bye.” Drawing out a long breath, Taeyong flopped on the couch next to you. He was exhausted, his mouth dry from all the talking he had done in the past hour. 

You almost didn’t dare ask. “And…?”

“It’s all canceled.” He sounded annoyed. “They already dismantled the setting outside and sent everyone home.”

You hadn’t meant that. “I meant…”

“How Jaehyun is?” Taeyong almost snapped, and you flinched at his sudden change in demeanor. “I haven’t spoken to him. But you know my brother as well as me. He tries to keep his composure and help wherever he can, no matter how hard it’s been on him. That’s how he is, my brother, the golden child. Even not letting his feelings slip when he’s hurt to the core.”

He was mad, and despite him trying to keep his composure, you couldn’t hold it against him. He had every right to be angry at what you had done to his family and partially dragged him into it.

“I know I owe him an apology and an explanation,” you admitted.

He briefly added, “More than that.”

“What am I supposed to say to him? I don’t know yet. All I knew the moment I left the venue was that I didn’t want to get married to him and that it was the most painful and most selfish thing I have done.”

“What about the entire truth?”

“The entire truth reaches deeper than not wanting to get married today.” You fell back into silence, shifting awkwardly in your seating position. But you didn’t need to speak further. Again, Taeyong seemed to sense what was exactly going on inside of you.

“Ah,” he then declared with feigned festivity. “There it is. The girl who was practically forced into a relationship with the first nice guy she met and slowly discovers that there is more to the world than marrying your high school boyfriend and living a modest life in the suburbs, getting married and having kids.”

“There is no reason to be so nasty about it,” you hissed. 

“I bet you haven’t had sex in a year, am I right?” he continued mercilessly, and your stomach churned, making you suddenly feel so sick. “Or at least not in the way you want to. Always, you have only liked it reserved, in the conventional positions. I bet you haven’t tried it out from behind or with a grip around your neck. You don’t dare to speak it out to anyone, but that’s what you desire deep inside.”

How could you have possibly thought that coming here was a good idea? That for once, Taeyong was able to behave like a decent human being. He was as cruel and vile as ever.

His face then fell upon realizing the damage he had caused with his words. “Hey, I-”

But you were already out of the door, stomping down the stairs and back into the pouring rain. The wet droplets felt sharp in your face, like cold whips that also slung around your arms. You tried to protect your head from the rainfall with your hands that you spanned over your brows, but it had little to no effect.

You didn’t know for how long you had been walking when a black car halted next to you. By now, you were freezing, but you kept walking while he rolled down the window and matched the vehicle’s speed to your steps.

“Hey.”

Taeyong kept following you with the car, you walking on the pavement, him driving on the street next to you.

“Please stop.”

“No. You’re an asshole, Lee Taeyong.”

“I know,” he agreed. “But please get in the car. You’re catching a cold.”

You stilled, rain mercilessly coming down on you as though taking a second shower.

“Please…” he begged.

Muted, you turned over and opened the door. Just like mere hours before, you found yourself sitting in the passenger’s seat, soaked from head to toe, but this time not in your wedding gown anymore. After you had settled yourself, Taeyong didn’t restart the car though. You both kept staring at the window in front of you, barely seeing anything through the curtain of rain, but only listening to the sound of it.

After a while, Taeyong opened his mouth. “A year ago, my girlfriend left me.”

The confession took you by surprise. “I didn’t know you were in a relationship…”

“How would you? We barely know anything about each other’s life. I bet my brother also wouldn’t drop this news as he knew you wouldn’t be interested in hearing them.” His grip was still tight around the steering wheel, the knuckles of his fingers turning white, that was how tense he was. “But I was very much in love. I had even imagined myself marrying her. Can you imagine that? Me and marrying?”

Almost unnoticeably, you shook your head. “You were always… so free, independant, uncommitted. My total…”

“... opposite,” he ended your sentence. “Exactly. Yet, I met a girl that I loved so much, I imagined myself as a husband. But before I got the chance to propose, she broke it off with me.”

“... Why?”

“Because I wasn’t what she wanted. In the long run, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, I realized. She only did what was best for us, even though it was painful and selfish at that moment, and I hated her very much for it. You can almost say a year ago, I was Jaehyun.”

“I put you in a conflict of interest, I know.” You dropped your head. “You can tell me to go, and I will go right now. I imposed myself on you like that. You have every right to send me away. I won’t be mad.”

“Don’t even think about it. Love makes you do crazy things. Sometimes, you have to do things that seem wrong from the outside but you know are right. I went through it already, I know both sides, that’s why I truly understand your feelings and empathize with them.”

“I still don’t understand why you’re with me and not Jaehyun if you were in his shoes back then. Basically, I’m like your ex now.”

“Because I know Jaehyun will be okay eventually. He always has everything under control.” The corner of his lip curled up, adding sorrow to his mien. “But do you?”

You had no answer to that. You knew it was the right decision, but continuing with your life all by yourself from now on was something you hadn’t put too much thought into. For ten years, you had someone by your side. How would it be now?

Taeyong continued nearly seamlessly, “I should have faced you with more understanding as I was already in such a situation, I’m honestly sorry for going off like that before. It just… reopened old sores.” 

Taeyong apologizing to you was something you had never expected to witness in this lifetime. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You thanking me again.” You looked at each other, and there was a smile displayed on his lips that was almost light-hearted this time. “That’s probably something that will never change about you.”

“Do you think I’m a goody two shoes?” You didn’t know what made you want to hear his opinion, but for the first time since you had known each other, you were having a decent, serious conversation. “Please be honest.”

“Are you kidding? Of course you are!” He laughed, and it was so high-pitched, it sounded like the windshields in the rain. You almost chuckled too. “That was why you matched so well with my brother as he is one too. You both have dreamed of the same things… marriage, a family, a house in the suburbs… children. But apparently, you’re not satisfied with all that anymore.”

You leaned back in your seat, slowly relaxing. “Was that also the case for you and your ex?”

“She wanted everything you wanted in the past. I’m not any of that. But with the past year, I figured that marriage has nothing to do with pursuing the same goals, you know.” He tried to provide you with another perspective on things. “If you love someone, you marry them. It takes nothing more. You only have to be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, no matter what is about to come. The rest will fall into place, you have to have faith.”

“And she didn’t feel the same way about you. Just like I don’t feel the same way about Jaehyun.” The scales fell from your eyes. “It has nothing to do with wanting different things in life. I just don’t want a life with Jaehyun anymore.”

“See. Don’t worry about what our father said. It’s okay if you want to try yourself out, venturing into different things. Nobody should hold you back on that. If you meet a person who’s willing to go through all of that with you, then you have nothing to worry about.”

A few silent beats passed before you directed a question at him out of curiosity. “What is it that you want in your life, Taeyong?”

“If only I would know, hm?” When had you ever encountered him being so blunt, so raw and so earnest? “Perhaps, I want to change jobs. Perhaps, I want to join a band. Perhaps, I want to travel to Italy. Perhaps, I want to work at a pet shop, because I love animals so much. I just don’t know.”

This time, it was you who laughed and he joined with that high-pitched tone again. You couldn’t imagine Taeyong working in a pet shop, cleaning hamster cages and playing with dogs. On the other hand, when you imagined a grumpy Taeyong surrounded by playful kittens who were crawling all over him, you had a vivid picture in your mind that brought a heartfelt smile forward within you.

“What about you?” he directed the question back.

“Me?” You pondered over it for a while as you had never been asked this. “I don’t know. I seriously don’t know. I only know that I don’t want to continue living this life anymore. I feel like… I’m in a cage, and if I imagine that every day I have to live like this, it’s suffocating me.”

“It’s okay to not have your whole life mapped out anymore, to not know what you want, what the next day will bring. Nobody expects it from you. Just take one day at a time, baby steps.”

“Jaehyun does. And my parents as well as yours.”

“Then you have to start living your life for yourself, not for others.”

Taeyong then started the car, and for the first time you got the impression that the rain was slowly simmering out and it got brighter outside. Your heart didn’t feel as heavy anymore.

“At home, you’re gonna change clothes again. And then we’re going to order food.”

“Wait… please drop me off at my… home first.” Taeyong didn’t let it slip, but from the corner of your eyes, you witnessed his brow raise. “I learned many things from our conversation. Among all things, the most important lesson was to be honest, to yourself and to others. I need to meet Jaehyun.”

“I second that.”

“Perhaps, this one is going to be more painful than what I did this morning.”

Taeyong swerved the curve and dropped nearly absent-mindedly, “I think canceling the wedding was not only the most painful and selfish thing that you have done. I also think it was the most courageous and liberating thing that you have done. Just like this one will be. Think about it.”

You took it as the compliment it was.

_____

Time of the wedding

“You want me to come with you?”

You shook your head. “I already am indebted to you so much for letting me stay a few more days. I’m just gonna pick up a few clothes and wait. I already wrote to him.”

“Alright. I’ll wait in the car.” You had your fingers closed around the handle already. “And please quickly change clothes, you’ll catch a cold.”

“I will.”

It was odd coming back to your own home when you knew your entire life was about to change as opposed to this morning when you had left and still believed you would come back as a married woman. Now, you didn’t even know who you were and where your home was. But it was certainly not here, you sensed it clearly.

Everything felt foreign and off, and as you let your eyes wander over the cream colored furniture and the walls in the same boring colors, you knew exactly why this didn’t feel like your home anymore. It was and had always been Jaehyun’s home solely.

Jaehyun had picked the district, the apartment, the colors, the furniture. Everything was so clean and neat, almost sterile, there were no personal touches to the interior, the only picture being one of you two set on a small dresser with a few candles and books of yours that you had been allowed to display, everything else was designer, getting taken care of by a cleaning lady that came twice a week. 

You wished back the chaotic cleanliness of Taeyong’s home, the noises of the aquarium, the different furniture, colors and patterns thrown together, and where every corner had his personal handwriting all over it. As well as the faint scent of lemongrass and ginger lingering in the air.

Suddenly, it felt like the monotonous cream colored walls were slowly drawing closer to you, leaving you little to no time until they would crush you entirely. Despite the minimalist style, you felt the invisible narrowness of the atmosphere, and if you didn’t hurry up, it would swallow you whole. But you had to remain here to cleanly put an end to your ten year long relationship.

You fled into the bedroom that was a bit more playful with light blue walls where you shook off Taeyong’s clothes and slipped into your own ones, a pair of leggings and a tight top over which you threw an oversized cardigan. In a mid-sized backpack, you stuffed in a few shirts, pants, underwear and your toiletries. You crammed Taeyong’s borrowed wet clothes into a plastic bag that you wanted to put into the backpack too, but dropped it immediately back on the bed when you heard the entry door open.

With your backpack over your shoulder, you slowly stepped back into the living room. Your heart was almost jumping out of your chest as you moved, but when Jaehyun rounded around the corner, his appearance set an end to the steady rhythm. The whole world went still, absorbing every motion, every sound except for the ones your voices were going to make.

Nobody prepared you for a breakup when you were the one to initiate it. There was no right way, there were only inappropriate ones, one of them including limiting the act to text messages only. If any of this hadn't happened, you would run into each other’s arms, hugging and probably even kissing. But now, you only stood in front of each other and stared at the other in silence.

Jaehyun was distressed and tired, but like always, he didn’t want to let it show. You knew him so well though, you looked right through his facade. “Where are you going?”

An eligible question that you didn’t want to answer in all honesty. “To my best friend’s house.”

“Okay.” He sucked in a rush of air. “You need anything else?”

You shook your head. “I got everything I need.”

This entire conversation was bizarre. Somehow, you had hoped for more, but somehow, you were thankful that there wasn’t more that he demanded from you. Perhaps, everything had already been said between you two. Perhaps, nothing had been said, but you both understood:

That you weren’t made and good for each other anymore. That you two deserved other people by your side and that you had only been together because it had been conventional and what your parents had expected from you. That it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run if you two had married despite all that.

“I’m sorry, Jaehyun.”

He smiled mildly, but probably only due to exhaustion. “Don’t be.”

As you had spoken those words out and listened to Jaehyun’s answer, you wondered if you actually were sorry. In fact, you didn’t feel anything at this moment.

“We both saw it coming, Jaehyun,” you tried to approach the situation. “We’ve been together since high school. We went to university and more school, and we didn’t have time to focus on dating anyone else. We stayed together because… we didn’t really see a reason why not. We were comfortable, we were happy enough. And things have been fine between us.”

He responded, “If you hadn’t canceled the wedding, if you had stood there today, saying ‘I do’, even with these sad eyes of yours, I would have accepted that with my entire heart. I would have gone on, pretending everything was okay as long as we could pretend to be happy as well. But I haven’t been for a long time already as well.” He paused, then confessed, “I’ve met someone else.”

“I see.” The words didn’t hurt you, and you didn’t hold it against him. Again, you felt nothing as he rested his gaze on your face, inspecting your reaction.

“I swear,” he defended himself, “that I never cheated on you. I dodged every conversation with her, I didn’t even look at her longer than I needed. I just… couldn’t do this to you. But just her presence…” He stopped speaking, but you felt what he felt.

Jaehyun was a reputable and respectful man. Of course he would have never cheated on you, you were always certain of that, even now. Whatever he had begun feeling for that woman, he was still keeping it locked inside of him, because he believed you two would work out. And partly also because he didn’t have the courage to end things once and for all. 

The worst thing was that sometimes, you were thinking that if you had met someone who you felt passionate about like him, you would have wanted to leave him earlier. You weren’t nearly as reputable and respectful as Jaehyun. 

“You were still in love with the seventeen year old girl from back then, but I’m not that girl anymore,” you slowly explained, almost too factual with no true emotions. “If you love someone, you marry them, and the rest will fall into place as long as you’re certain that you want to stay together for the rest of your lives. I couldn’t marry you today because I can’t imagine a life with you anymore.”

Jaehyun’s brow twitched and he opened his mouth as though he had so much to retort. But in the end, he gave it all up and said, “You can have this place. I’m just gonna stay at Taeyong’s in the meantime.”

You froze, but kept your composure. “I don’t want it. Your family bought it for us, so it should stay with you. And in all honesty… this place doesn’t feel like my home anymore anyway. Like I said, I’m gonna stay at my best friend’s until I find something for myself.”

Something seemed to bother him, but he didn’t let slip what exactly, and you were thankful he didn’t push the topic. “Okay, do as you wish.”

“I’ll let you know when I’ll come back to get all my belongings. Probably as soon as I’ve settled somewhere.”

Jaehyun nodded.

The straps of your backpack suddenly seemed to leave burn marks on your shoulders. You still felt the urge to continue with this conversation, and Jaehyun gave off the appearance of wanting to do the same, but you both seemingly withdrew as you didn’t know what you were supposed to add anymore.

Perhaps, you would someday have a long session where you poured out all your feelings. Perhaps, you would never talk to each other again. But this conversation ended here and now, at the exact time you were supposed to say “I do” to each other.

In the end, you only brought yourself to wish him well. “I… I hope it will work out for you.”

“I hope so for you as well.”

You raised a brow as his wording seemed off. You had never indicated that you were already meeting someone else. As always, he most likely only wanted to be polite.

As you walked down the hallway with heavy steps, away from the life possibly every woman could dream of, you still didn’t feel anything. No emotions, nothing. Was this the price you had to pay? Would you be numb to feeling anything ever again in your life?

____

Two hours after the wedding

“I’m gonna take a shower real quick as I didn’t have time this morning,” Taeyong announced. “When the delivery guy comes, can you open the door?”

“Sure thing.”

After Taeyong had disappeared in the bathroom, you remained on the couch, scrolling through your phone. It was blowing up, but you didn’t care as your best friend covered for you without asking a single question except for cocking a brow when you had admitted to her where you were currently residing.

“The brother you hate so much?” she had asked. “The one with the blonde hair, excessive taste in fashion, sexy piercings and godly tattoos?”

“Odd description. But yes, him.”

A long pause followed. Then, she giggled. “Keep me updated.” 

You weren’t sure what to make of this sentence. “Thank you for everything.”

“Sure thing! Your parents almost beat a path to my door, but I think I can still hold them back from coming over. Will I get the full story soon?”

“Of course.”

“Okay. And just between us… I think it was the right decision.”

You had then hung up on each other.

Another call from your mother followed, but you swiped this away as well, then decided to turn off your phone entirely. You wouldn’t need it anyway today and hoped that, except for your nagging family, everyone else would understand that you quite weren’t in a position to talk right now.

You heard the water running before turning your attention back to the TV. Shortly later, the food arrived by the door, and you thanked the delivery guy, tipped him, and brought the bag into the kitchen.

“Can we eat in front of the TV?” you yelled, waiting for an answer.

“I’d rather not to!” Taeyong yelled back from the bathroom.

You whispered to yourself while setting the table, “Okay, Mister super clean.”

“I heard that.”

Taeyong stood in front of you the next moment, only a pair of joggers hanging loosely around his waist and a towel draped around his shoulders to catch the droplets of his wet hair. You barely noticed your eyes gazing up and down his naked upper body, and by the time you did, Taeyong had noticed it too.

Before you could read his expression though, you swiftly turned around, hiding your flushed cheeks and brushing it off. “Get dressed, then we can eat.”

Luckily, he also pretended he hadn’t noticed. “Okay.” 

Dinner was eaten in silence after he came back dressed in a t-shirt, Taeyong purposely leaving you in peace after what had occured at your home. He supposedly assumed that you needed time to process your emotions. Except that there were still none.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about what happened back there,” Taeyong then stated after you had nearly finished. “I just want to know whether you’re okay. Are you?”

You chewed on your last bite and then swallowed it all down. “I am. Somehow, strangely, I truly am fine. But I just don’t know whether it’s the shock or whether the emotions haven’t really set in yet that I feel so… numb. I… don’t feel anything. That’s why I’m feeling fine.”

“You’re not feeling fine then,” Taeyong objected. 

“I think it’s better than breaking down crying.”

“If you feel like that, you can do it here too.”

Something so excruciating and raw, you had only done in private. But somehow, you didn’t fear doing it in front of Taeyong either.

“I was in a good relationship with a good man, who wanted to marry and have kids and do all the things you’re supposed to do. People will think I am crazy for ending this all.” You stared at the pattern painted on the bowl in front of you, free from all the rice you had just picked out one by one. “I was always happy enough.”

Taeyong didn’t comment on that. He sat quietly at your opposite and listened.

“Sometimes, I hoped I could have something more than just fine. Someone who made me feel like I hung the moon. But I sort of stopped believing that existed. And I figured why not marry a man like Jaehyun? It had never been on my mind that there could be more. There was a hole in my heart I thought I could fix with doing all the things I missed out on. But it just wouldn’t shrink, no matter what I did. I knew that, if I married Jaehyun, the hole would swallow me whole. And then, Jaehyun told me he met someone else.”

Taeyong’s eyes widened just when you lifted your head and looked at him. He hadn’t known either.

“And now I am certain that there is someone who will place the moon in the sky for me. If Jaehyun can find someone like that, then I can too. I’m certain there is someone out there who can make me feel exactly like that, and it will be the love I’ve been looking for and last for a lifetime.”

“Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, no matter how different you are, and the rest will fall into place if you have faith,” Taeyong referred to his statement from earlier that day.

You smiled. “Someone of whom I will know that I want to marry right away and not get cold feet.”

Taeyong cleared his throat and arose from his seat. “I’ll do the dishes. After that, I will prepare the bed for you to sleep in. And I accept no objections. For the time you’re here, you will sleep in my bed.”

You knew back talking had little to no effect. “Okay,” you then gave in, quietly thanking him for his generosity. “I can change the sheets myself later too, don’t worry about that.”

____

Four hours after the wedding

The rest of the evening, you spent sitting on the couch, on opposite ends, barely speaking to each other but just vibing. You felt very comfortable.

Taeyong fed his fishes and you asked whether they had names. They had. He had named every single one of them and was able to distinguish between them despite them looking all the same for you. 

You asked about his figurine collection and his eyes suddenly started to sparkle. He went on about them and their backstory as well as the different legos and how long he had taken for each set.

You were astonished to find out that the pictures that hung on the walls had been painted by Taeyong himself. You hadn’t pegged him to be the artsy type, but again, he had surprised you.

There were still so many things about Taeyong you only discovered one by one. 

For example, he was very caring as he brought you a blanket when he noticed how you shivered long after the sun had set. He was also very attentive as he unpacked your bag and put your clothes in a drawer that he had emptied for you. Taeyong was also very funny, knowing or unknowingly, and immensely passionate about the things he loved.

You thought that, if you ever got the chance to be someone else or change your life in the future, you would like to be more like him.

____

Five hours after the wedding

“I can change the sheets myself, don’t worry about that,” you told Taeyong when you felt tired enough to go to bed. Today had been hard on you too, and you couldn’t wait for a new morning to come, the sooner the better.

Stepping into Taeyong’s bedroom made you confront your wedding dress again that still hung exactly where he had put it. When you looked at it, you just felt so much anger - more emotions than on any other point of today. How come that when you put an end to your relationship, you didn’t feel anything, but a gown was able to summon so much hatred?

Quickly slipping out of your clothes, you put the dress back on. It reminded you of how little you had had to say about the wedding. How everyone had chosen the venue, the cake, the decorations, the dress and even the makeup and hairdo for your special day. The dress reminded you of how much of a human doormat you had been at this occasion and that ending your engagement also freed you from the cage you had been kept in.

You suddenly felt powerful, like you could take on the entire world. And it had only little to do with the dress you hated so much.

“Could you find the-”

Taeyong walked in on you standing in the middle of his bedroom in the still soaked wedding dress that he had picked you up in.

“I’ll give you a moment.”

“Wait!” You held him back. “This dress… embodies everything I hate about my former life. I have to break up with it too. I will take the hatred and forge it into something I envy you for, Taeyong.”

He raised his brows. “Which is?”

“Passion.” You smiled. “Will you help me?”

“I’ll get the scissors.”

You stopped him. “I want to do it with my bare hands.”

He snickered. “That’s fine for me too.”

The sound of fabric rustling and tearing filled the room, each one of you picking up one end of the dress’ skirt that consisted of meters and meters of tulle and just tore it all apart, tore on every edge that your fingers could grip on. And there were so, so many, your skin felt bruised when you took another and started ripping that one apart too until the skirt was nothing more than loose slips of fabrics that hung from your waist.

____

Six hours after the wedding

You both laid on Taeyong’s bed, side by side and exhausted from having treated such rich fabric with your bare hands. But he had been sitting with you through all of it, handling the process with just as much fervor and dedication.

“What do you feel?” Taeyong then asked you, staring at the ceiling that was now dipped into the semi-darkness of the night. The rain had stopped entirely, the bright light of the crescent moon that came through the dissolving clouds rendering the need for artificial light almost needless.

The torn gown rustled as you repositioned yourself, letting your naked legs slip through the curtain of strips that had once been the tulle skirt. “Like all steam is let out and there is nothing left anymore. And I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of never being able to feel anything again except for this hate that surfaces every now and then.”

“When you’re alone, that’s when the emotions set in and when it will get really hard.”

“What am I supposed to feel then, Taeyong? Can you tell me as you experienced this before?” You got up and he followed your motions, you both now facing the other from a seating position, your knees almost touching.

Somehow, this moment was very intense for you, and also very raw. You hadn’t shared such a heart-to-heart with anyone in a long time, and the person you did it with again was, out of all people, your ex fiancé’s brother who you apparently had more of an understanding with than the person you had been engaged to. 

“Aside from hatred, perhaps sadness. Because despite you doing the right thing for yourself, you have let go of something that has once meant so much to you, so it’s okay to let yourself mourn for a while. But like I said, i-”

“I don’t feel sad,” you interrupted him, your voice on the brink of despair as you nearly cry-screamed “I just… don’t feel anything else except for hate! Why can’t I feel anything else?! I don’t want this, I don’t want to be full of hate, that’s not me! I need to feel something else! Make me feel something else! Taeyong, I-!”

The next thing you knew, you had a pair of lips pressed against yours and warm palms cupping your heated face. They were a very full and demanding pair of lips, a pair of lips that was not Jaehyun’s, but made your heart flutter in the same way your ex fiancé had once made, many years ago. 

And that was it with your thoughts about Jaehyun for tonight, you swore to yourself as you wrapped your hands around Taeyong’s neck and settled yourself on his lap without breaking the kiss between you two. You weren’t able to remember when someone had last kissed you like this, when you had even thought of getting kissed like this, so passionately and deeply, it felt like you were getting devoured with all your soul.

And finally, after hours of numbness and hatred, you felt something. It was entirely different from what you had expected to feel. Not sadness. It was hunger. And it wanted to be fed.

Taeyong pulled away from you, and despite the semi darkness, you clearly saw in his eyes that he felt exactly what you felt, and that you perhaps were not the only person in this room who was still looking for something or someone greater. 

“I’ll stop if you…”

His hands pressed into your sides, he didn’t ease his grip, but you knew he would do so in an instant when you told him to. But you didn’t. 

“Please…” You looked into his hopeful eyes. “Don’t stop…”

He didn’t need to be told that twice. Taeyong licked over his lips in a way that got you really wet between your legs and pulled you down to him to lock your lips with his again. 

You curled your fingers into the hem of his shirt and stripped it over his head in one swift motion. In the few moments that you were parted, you observed his tattoos in awe. You hadn’t really paid attention to them until now as you had never bothered with such details about him, but now you wanted to touch them all and know the backstory of each of them. But only later you would ask.

You sat up to give Taeyong access to his pants that he took off and then threw on the floor while you simultaneously got rid of your panties and dropped them next to his joggers. You also wanted to wiggle yourself out of your wedding dress with his help, but Taeyong stopped you with a look so sinister, it made you gulp and your mouth dry.

You didn’t need to ask what he wanted. He didn’t want you to take off the dress. If there was a best way to ruin a much hated wedding dress that you hadn’t even chosen yourself, then it was having sex in it with a person who wasn’t the groom.

And you were all on it for it as you straddled Taeyong, the ripped skirt of your dress draped all over the both of you. You rubbed yourself against him with your hands holding onto his shoulders while he placed tender kisses on the side of your neck, and you wondered how someone who was usually so mean to you could be so soft at the same time. Taeyong was still an enigma to you, but you wouldn’t mind taking it all apart tonight.

His full lips reached the raising of your breasts that were still hidden in the corset, but with several deft acts of his strong fingers, he had loosened the back so that he was now able to pull the neckline down. Throwing your head back, you let him lick over your nipples, wetting them with his tongue before he blew over them. It caused you to shudder, but before you were able to process what would happen next, he had already taken the sensitive spots into his mouth, sucking on them in turns and even occasionally biting into one, making you cry out loud.

“Such a pretty voice, why haven’t I heard it so determinedly more often?” Taeyong asked with his head buried in your cleavage.

You didn’t know the answer to that. But he probably also didn’t expect one as you realized the next moment that he had already eased two fingers into you. He was always taking you by surprise.

Your muscles in your thighs tensed, and you lifted yourself up a few inches as you thought you couldn’t take it anymore, that was how heavenly his fingers worked inside of you. You were dripping all over his hand, his palm stroking your clit and thus providing you with the double of stimulation that you had never experienced before.

“You wanna cum?” Taeyong whispered into your ear as you had your head rested on his shoulder, slightly biting into his flesh, and he endured it all.

You nodded, twisting and turning on his lap. “Y… yes, please.”

He made you cum with just the flick of a finger, and you screamed out loud, not only your entire body shaking, but also your whole world as your orgams ripped through you in an intensity you had never encountered before. And Taeyong gently held you in his arms all throughout it. Your chest heaved up and down like you had just run a marathon, and as you looked up, Taeyong swiped a few strands of your hair away from your face.

“You want to continue?” he asked you carefully.

You saw where he came from. He wouldn’t do anything without your consent. But there was nothing to ask for more permission here. You were here for all of it. Muted, you nodded again, too ashamed to speak out what was on your mind, what you really desired that wasn’t far from what Taeyong had thrown at your head only earlier that day. 

You had been so mad at him, because it was true. You wanted him to take you from behind, to have his beautiful, strong hands wrapped around your slim neck and make you cum over and over again.

“Tell me,” he then challenged you as though he knew exactly what occupied your mind. “What is it that you want?”

You gulped. If you spoke it out, then he would do it, no doubt about it. Why was it that you were hesitating still then? 

“Tell me,” Taeyong repeated, his index finger now lifting up your chin so that you could make eye contact. He saw what you felt, and he waited patiently.

“I… I want you to…” You paused. “... To do to me what you have teased about before.”

“Which is…?” He really enjoyed it too much. 

“I want you to… take me from behind. To have your hand around my neck and… make me cum again.”

Because Jaehyun had never done so, because you felt like you betrayed your past love if you did it with Taeyong now, that was why you were still holding back. But then again, you suddenly felt so desired, so free and so alive like never before. You felt heard, seen and appreciated in all aspects a woman could wish for it. Was it so wrong then?

“You’re sure?” Taeyong wanted to know.

“I am.”

He then turned aside to take something from his nightstand that you recognized as the pack of condoms you had seen before. He tore the wrapping off with his teeth and urged you to change your position so that he was able to roll it over his length.

You sucked in a rush of air as you then sank back onto his lap, taking him all in until he was all settled in your warmness. Only a few heartbeats passed before you started to ride him right away, you just couldn’t wait anymore. 

You slammed down on him, at first a bit messy as you couldn’t quite grasp the motions and only forcefully met with him in an attempt to act on your lust all at once, that was how overwhelming it was. But when Taeyong started to move with you, he determined the pace and movements, and rather than making you feel like you did something wrong, he quietly conveyed to you what would work better.

And by heavens, how better it worked. You rocked your hips with each other, and whenever you came down to him, you moaned silently as he hit spots within you you didn’t even know existed at all. You were holding onto Taeyong like a lifeline, moving with him and gyrating with him, and eventually you felt so close to cuming again.

First, you wanted to protest as you wanted to prolong this act and experience it from different positions, but there was nothing to protest against. You would let yourself cum, and if you wished for, this wouldn’t need to be the last time again either. 

“I’m going to-“ you whined against Taeyong’s shoulder, and his grip around you only tightened as you dug your nails into his back.

“Then cum. Cum as often as you want.”

And you did. You cried into the nape of his neck with your fingers buried deep into his arm muscles, and ended the wave of pleasure with a shudder that only Taeyong could set an end to.

But the worst part was that you still weren’t satisfied. You raised your head and faced him, begging him with your eyes. Taeyong didn’t need to be told twice. But before, you shared a kiss that you both initiated at the same time, deep and intimate, and that made you feel a connection you had missed out on all these years and set aflame only now.

You stared at each other with an expression that was a mix of surprise and also relief. Surprise because you hadn’t expected to feel something like that with this other person out of all people, and relief because you had finally found it after all.

Again, you kissed, to make sure, to validate what you had felt shortly before. This time, it was more passionate and romantic, and it made your heart flutter again, a feeling you had been missing out on for a long time despite believing you had found your soulmate already.

Taeyong then flipped the both of you around and placed you with your back onto the bed. Tugging on your dress and pushing the torn skirt apart, he let his fingertips run up your naked thighs, and you let out a low sigh, collecting new energy to prepare for what was about to come.

Bowing down to you, you then kissed again, and again. And truth to be told, you also wouldn’t have minded lying here all night, just kissing him. In the meantime, Taeyong had subtly slipped in between your legs, and you only noticed when he started to move again.

You were able to pay more attention to his face now. Taeyong didn’t look much like his older brother, but was definitely as equally attractive. His features were sharper though, making him come off as rude upon first glance with his additional piercings that adorned each ear if he didn’t smile, and he rarely did that, but they were also unique and attracted attention for how handsome it made him.

Jaehyun was the kind of man you looked at because he was so kind and conventionally handsome, you wanted to get to know him. Taeyong was the kind of man who should scare you off, but you also couldn’t tear your gaze from because of how extravagantly attractive he was. Especially now as he bit into his bottom lip, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He looked so angry and rude, it turned you on even more.

You had never looked closer at Taeyong because of that. But as his hands wrapped around your neck while he thrusted into you, you caught yourself thinking that you wished you would have spared the younger brother another, longer look ten years ago.

“Give me a sign if you need me to stop.”

Your eyes rolled to the ceiling as you started to run short on breath. You hadn’t expected yourself to like this kind of thing, but here you were, having Taeyong’s slender fingers around your neck, slightly choking you, and you found much pleasure in it. What else was there that you enjoyed but weren’t aware of yet? And was one night too short to discover it all?

You inhaled deeply and audibly when he then let go of you, and almost apologetically, he pecked your lips. He didn’t want to go further so as to not hurt you accidentally, you understood. You still had to figure out your boundaries, what you were able to take.

You let out a surprised “Oh!” the next moment when Taeyong slipped out of you and rolled you onto your stomach. A fresh breeze brushed over your naked bum when he flipped over your tulle skirt and it went flying all over your head so that you needed to dig a hole through the fabric to free your face.

Taeyong giggled, but when you wanted to chide him, he slapped your asscheek. It was loud and painful, and it brought you so much pleasure, you wanted him to do that again. And he did. His hand came down on your cheeks in alternation four times, each with a cry from your side louder than the one prior, before he sat you up on all fours and grabbed you by your hips.

You didn’t know what came first, his length sheathed back inside of you or your gasp of surprise as you realized what was about to happen. As you had never had sex in this position before, you had expected to feel disconnected and this act to turn rather animalistic, but Taeyong didn’t make you feel like that at all.

In a steady rhythm, you got pushed forward, his dick drawing out until you painfully thought you would lose him all, just to slam back into you the next moment so forcefully, it nearly knocked the air out of your lungs. And so it continued until you couldn’t hold yourself up on your hands anymore, but sank down on your elbows, offering Taeyong an angle that made it even more intense for you.

You were begging, crying and moaning all simultaneously, not knowing where up and down was anymore. In all those years, you had been satisfied with only what you had considered traditional sex. That there was something more that would take you to heaven and back, you had never imagined yourself to experience.

Now, that hunger from before was only growing, even when you came for the third time that day within the span of only half an hour, so hard and so earth shattering, you thought you would cry because of how you finally felt something else aside from hatred and hunger again: happiness.

You then laid on your stomach, collecting your breathing and your thoughts when Taeyong finished himself off inside you with a little help of rhythmic motions from your hips, and his low growl, with which he announced his peak, turned you horny once more.

And so you did it again. This time from the side. You then went down on him, followed by you doing it from a standing position. Afterwards, he pleasured you with his mouth too, and you finished him off riding it all out. You came again and again, until daybreak announced itself and you slept in, with your head resting on Taeyong’s chest and his arms wrapped around you.

Somewhere along the way, as the night processed, you had gotten rid of the wedding dress entirely. It hadn’t been all about hatred and vengeance anymore, but something way more than that that somehow blossomed between you two.

The next morning, the sun shone bright. There was no sign of rain anymore.

____

Eighteen hours after the wedding

Taeyong stood in the kitchen, frying eggs and wishing you a good morning when you walked in. But when he placed the plate with the scrambled eggs and toast in front of you, you weren’t feeling hungry anymore.

“I’m going to stay with my best friend,” you declared to him. “I gave it a thought, and I think it’s bet-”

“It’s okay,” he chimed in. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I saw it coming, I understand.”

Even though you didn’t regret last night, you knew that you couldn’t do it again yet and that it would certainly happen if you stayed. So you fled. The only thing you were good at.

“I’m a failure,” you admitted. “I’ve failed my relationship, my marriage… why would I even want to try again?”

“If you stay with someone for a certain amount of time and you were happy, but then decide that you don’t want to stay together anymore, why would that make you a failure? If you decide to move on and find happiness with someone or something else, why would anyone want to take this from you?”

“And if it won’t work out with the next person too?” you voiced your fears.

“Then this doesn’t mean you’re a failure either. That’s how life is. You don’t have to stay with one person for the rest of your life if you don’t feel like it. But if you do, if your feelings align and remain steady, what more can you ask of the world?”

A single tear escaped from the corner of your eye and you wiped it away quickly. “But your family hates me now.”

Taeyong shrugged. “Who cares. They’ll eventually come around.”

“I thought you hated me too.”

“I never hated you.” He smiled mildly. “If anything, I hated your attitude, always so honest, fair and good. Secretly, I always wanted to be more like you and Jaehyun. I’ve never been this kind of person, and it’s been clear from the beginning that I wouldn’t fit into this role. You were everything I couldn’t be, everything I couldn’t have.”

“And now?” You looked at him with an uncertain expression, your brows furrowed. “Now that I’m not any of that anymore, do you still want someone like me?”

Taeyong reached out his hand and touched your cheek. “Now, I admire you even more. It takes much courage to tear down your entire life and start anew.” 

“... Really?”

He nodded and you nudged against his palm, sharing his warmth. “I’m not going to be your rebound though. I think what we can build together can be something amazing, but you’re not ready.”

Only yesterday, you had run away from your own wedding and broken up with the man you had been with for the past ten years. You were far from ready. Last night had not only been eye-opening, but also shattering. Your whole world wouldn’t be like before, and you could only rebuild it bit by bit.

“Look for your own apartment, design it the way you want,” Taeyong suggested and withdrew his hand. “Then go out and meet people, date around and see what the world has to offer to you. You have ten years of catching up to do, don’t let a single minute pass.”

You gulped, withholding your tears in the same breath. “Okay.”

“And if you decide to explore what could be between us, if you decide you have seen everything and dated around enough, that, after all, I’m still the only one you want to be with eventually…” He smirked cockily. “... then I’ll be here.”

A life with Taeyong didn’t sound so daunting anymore. But with him came also his family, the family that had been with you before as well.

Quietly, you averted your eyes to the breakfast in front of you. “Last night was also one the bravest and most liberating things I’ve ever done. But-” You stopped.

Taeyong then took the words out of your mouth, “You cleanly ended your relationship before you slept with me. You don’t owe him anything anymore. The rest is between us brothers. Now eat up, then I’ll drive you to your friend.”

The breakfast had long gone cold before you were able to take a bite.

____

One month after the wedding 

You hadn’t been able to light a candle in the apartment, because Jaehyun didn’t like the smell of candles. Funny, how you thought of it now.

The movers carried the last box out of your former shared home with Jaehyun, and now you were facing him again for the first time since the day of your wedding. You had specifically told him a time of which you had thought you would be gone already, but now you had accidentally run into each other again still.

“Hi,” he greeted you.

“Hi,” you said back.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit early.”

“It’s okay, we’re done now anyway.”

He hung up his jacket and scanned the living room. Everything was still in place as you had only taken your clothes, books, a few kitchen utensils, a chair and nick nacks with you - like the candles. You couldn’t wait. Everything else, you had left for him to keep and would buy new for yourself. 

“You don’t want anything else?” Jaehyun questioned with raised brows. “Just take whatever you want.”

“No, it’s okay, I’ll be fine.” In your hand, you were carrying another small box yourself, in fact, the one with the candles. You had always secretly lit them when Jaehyun had gone out as you didn’t care, and of course he always smelled it when he came back, picking up a quarrel with you. You couldn’t wait to light them whenever, wherever and for how long you wanted now.

“Okay.” He paused. “How is your new flat?”

“It’s very small compared to this place, and also old, but it’s cozy and I love it.”

He smiled. “That’s great. I’m happy for you.”

“What about the girl you met?” you chatted. That wasn’t the ideal topic for a conversation starter, but you didn’t come up with another one at such short notice. Besides, you were really interested in it. “Did you move forward and could finally talk to her? I would be delighted!”

Jaehyun was initially reluctant about his response. But as he finally came clear with you, the truth was so shocking, it nearly pulled the rug from under you. “There was no one I was talking to. I made it all up.”

“... what?” you breathed. You were totally confused.

“If I hadn’t told you about meeting someone else, wouldn’t that have made it harder for you?”

You couldn’t give him an honest answer. It certainly wouldn’t have made it easier, that was clear. “Did you… did you not want to break up?”

His slight smile now turned sorrowful and insincere, your heart ached badly. “I would have tried over and over again. Anything that would make you happy as your love life should bring you happiness. But if ours hasn’t brought you this happiness anymore, if you tried hard too and didn’t feel it anymore, then what more can I ask of you?”

“Jaehyun…” Your vision got blurry from the tears that now gathered above the rim of your eyes. “You should have told me.”

“And what then? Lock you up in this relationship you hadn’t been so happy in for so long anymore? The best was just to let you go, even if it meant driving you into the arms of my brother.”

Your breath caught. “I-... It’s… it’s not-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, I’ve known long before Taeyong confessed to me that you stayed with him that day… and night. I’ve seen his car parked in front of the house before I even got upstairs to look for you. And…” It was hard for him to talk about it all, that was pretty clear. 

You didn’t dare to ask, but you were certain that by that moment, Jaehyun had still been full of hope that everything would work out fine. Until the moment he had spotted Taeyong’s car and figured it out all by himself. 

He continued with a cracky voice, “You smelled just like him that day. I met that familiar scent the moment I walked in. Lemongrass and ginger. He never changed his shower gel ever since school.” 

You had showered at Taeyong’s place that morning and used this exact shower gel. If you were able to smell it on Taeyong, then why wouldn’t anyone else be able to smell it on you too? You had been so naive.

And then, you nearly let out an audible gasp as it suddenly crossed your mind that you had also never taken Taeyong’s wet clothes with you when you had left this apartment that day, so Jaehyun had seen them too. But he didn’t mention them which made it even more painful for you. 

If he also knew that you had slept with each other that night, you didn’t dare to ask. Perhaps, you also didn’t need to at all. You saw it all in his eyes, that he knew how you felt, truth or no truth.

“The funny thing is that always, I have thought that you two had a mutual understanding I couldn’t quite grasp despite never talking to each other.”

“We’re… we’re not in any kind of relationship,” you tried to save the situation. “I haven’t had contact with him since that day. I was only seeking shelter with the one person of whom I was certain wouldn’t blow me off, because...”

“... because he understood you,” Jaehyun ended your sentence. “See?”

“Jaehyun…” The tears now streamed down your face. Taeyong was right. After numbness and hatred came sadness. Your heart was filled with sorrow. “I’m so sorry for everything that happened. That I haven’t always been honest, fair and good. That I failed our relationship, and that I failed you.”

“Don’t be.” Under normal circumstances, you would have wanted to be held by him and he would have provided you with that. But now you only stood awkwardly in front of each other. “You tried, right? All that matters is that you tried. If you can assure me that, then I have nothing to regret, because, on my end, I tried hard, every single day.”

“I did,” you blurted directly. “I woke up every single day, trying and full of hope. Until I just couldn’t anymore.”

“Okay.” Jaehyun nodded. “Then I can live with it.”

“Please be mad at me all you want, hate me all you want,” you begged him. “Just don’t project this all on Taeyong, please.”

His shoulders shook, you just couldn’t tell whether it was because he started crying too or because he started laughing over the absurdity of your request. “Even now, you think of him. Shouldn’t that tell you something?”

It certainly did. 

But as Taeyong himself had said, you weren’t ready yet. At least not for him.

____

One year after the wedding

Your wedding dress was in the color of ivory, classically cut with straps and falling over your hips in an a-line, ending right above your knees - just like the wedding dress you had always dreamed of wearing on your special day, and this one you had selected entirely yourself. In your hands, the bouquet of flowers smelled lovely, the arrangement consisting of peonies and baby’s breath. No other bride in the registry office had brought flowers, but you had insisted on it.

“I do.”

You locked eyes with your groom who had just spoken out these words.

You hadn’t invited anyone in your family to attend the quick, official ceremony. In fact, you hadn’t even told them that you were getting married today in case anyone wanted to meddle again and make the entire wedding about them. This was only for you two, about you two, and this was how you wanted it. You didn’t need to make a show out of your love anymore. If only you two knew about it, then it was enough for you.

It was odd, and you chuckled to yourself as this silly thought crossed your mind just now as the registrar read from his book. It was odd how Taeyong didn’t like the smell of candles either. With time, you had figured that he wasn’t so different from his brother like he had always claimed.

But there was one thing that made the difference for you: If Taeyong didn’t like the smell of candles, you wouldn’t light them, not even when he was away. You wouldn’t light them at all, because keeping him happy was more important to you than the goddamn candles. You weren’t handcuffed to him, you only wanted to be with him rather than lighting the candles. 

You could live without the candles, but you couldn’t live without Taeyong. If he was gone, the candles would only be a silver lining.

In the following months after you had run away from your wedding, you had seen another country, went partying in the coolest clubs and were able to furnish the new apartment according to your own taste. You had also dated around, meeting different men and trying to bond with them while parallelly rebuilding your life. It hadn’t been easy, but it also hadn’t been overly hard. It had been challenging to say the least. You hadn’t kept in touch with Jaehyun or Taeyong for all these months, following the latter’s suggestion and just living your life like never before.

But after half a year, you had started to realize that this wasn’t the kind of life for you. You had tried, and you had failed. And if you decided to move on with something or someone else, what more could the world ask of you?

Taeyong had picked up his phone on an early spring day, his voice filled with happiness. “I’ve been waiting for you,” were the first words he had directed at you, and it almost made your heart burst.

Gradually getting to know each other turned out to be more of a task than a walk in the park as not everything could be reduced to great sex. You were still very different people as there were certain aspects of your character you couldn’t shake off and Taeyong refused to change about himself too. But you came to terms with everything that made your daily life hard. And in the end, you still wanted to be with each other.

All that mattered in this life was that you tried. All that mattered was that you opened your heart, gave everything you had, and tried. And when Taeyong had suggested marriage a few months into your relationship, you didn’t hesitate. You had jumped into his arms, saying “yes” more times than you were able to count.

“If you love a person, you just marry them.”

Was it really as simple as that? Certainly. 

You had been certain at the moment he proposed, and you were even certain now, when you stood in front of your groom with many other couples waiting outside, who were as certain as you to take this step.

Of course you had often asked yourself what if you would fail this relationship, this entire marriage, too. But as you looked into Taeyong’s clear and sincere eyes while he smiled at you so lovingly, awaiting your answer as the registrar had finished, you weren’t worried about anything in the entire world anymore.

“I do,” you assured him of and sealed your wedding vows with a chaste kiss.

You only wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. 

2 Years Ago (Canada)

You weren't really the type of girl who goes out on a Friday night. You're not a total introvert, but you enjoy being alone. You have friends, but you don't have the type of friends you typically see in the movies that bond for life. You only have your parents, your brother Minho and that's good enough for you.

“Come on. Come with us. Halmeoni will look for you.” Minho is by your bed shaking the hell out of you trying to wake you up. 

He pulled your arm to sit you up. “I don't want to go out. I'm too lazy.” You grumbled and purposely collapsed on him. He almost didn't catch you, but you didn't worry, you know your brother will never let you get hurt. You heard him giggle as he tried to sit you back up.

“Please y/n wash-up. When's the last time you bathe? You smell.” He laughed as he pokes your armpit. You immediately jolted up, scared to get tickled more. 

“I showered last night, asshole.” You jokingly said as you stood up from bed and went straight to the bathroom. 

You’re not really a fan of family gatherings. You don’t hate it, you just prefer not to be there. Family gatherings overwhelm you when your relatives start asking you questions like when will you have your first boyfriend, or have you been promoted in your work yet. And they would always recommend you to marry someone rich instead of finding love. Even though falling in love and imagining cliche things associated with love makes you cringe, you had always hoped to be with someone worthy of all the cringiness.

You're only planning to stay at your grandmother’s house until they cut the cake. You took some finger foods in a ziplock ready to leave the party and looked at your brother for help. Minho already knew what to do in situations like this. You did your part showing up here and now your brother will do his part of helping you sneak out. 

He winked at you as a sign to stay prepared and then yelled. “Oh my god, who made this kimchi? It's bland!”

Everyone in the room looked at him. Grandma made that kimchi and no one dares to go against grandma’s kimchi. You wanted to stay and see what would happen to your poor brother but you took your chance and sneaked out. You ran to the bus stop and caught the bus right on time. You sent your brother a text that you’ll be back before guests start to leave. 

You went to an old coffee shop in your town that you frequently go to. Only a few people come here in the middle of the day and right now it looks like you're the only one's going to be dining in, just like how you want it. 

With a cup of cappuccino, you took out your notebook and started sketching imaginary creatures while listening to music. Just a little later you heard a noise of people coming into the store but you didn't even bother yourself to look up to see what’s all the commotion was about. You were so focused on your work that you didn't notice that there's a pair of eyes already looking at you. 

Mark and Doyoung were ordering at the counter while the rest of NCT 127 sat at the table across from you. Taeil noticed that Johnny was staring at you intently. 

“Pretty?” Taeil teasingly asked Johnny which made him blush. He tried looking away only to find himself staring at you again not a even a second later. 

You're thinking of something to sketch, but you are having a hard time putting it in drawing. You pout your lips and scratch your temple with the pen you're holding. Johnny suddenly felt a rush of warm feeling inside his chest and he hasn't even touched his coffee yet. You’re cute, he thought. He felt his lips curving into a smile while looking at you. Out of impulse, Johnny took out his phone and secretly took a picture of you. 

“Or you could just say hi.” Jaehyun said sarcastically which made everyone at the table laugh. Johnny didn't know that his members were watching him slowly developing a crush on you, it made him a little embarrassed but also proud. 

The loud laughter in front of you finally caught your attention. You looked up, feeling a little nosy wanting to see what's funny but instead you caught a pair of beautiful brown eyes looking at you. 

something sparked in you and Johnny felt that too. He didn't know how to react now that you know that he's staring at you, but he eventually managed to give you a smile. You timidly smiled back at him and nodded your head to greet him. You didn't even glance at the boys that’s with him, you only saw Johnny, his beautiful eyes, clear skin and smooth hair. 

You looked back at your sketch the instant you realized that you're staring. You increased the volume of your phone trying to drown their chatters and to get your focus back on what you're doing, but you can't help to think that there's a handsome guy in front of you and he just freaking smiled at you. 

Johnny couldn't take it any longer. He knew this could be the first and last time he's ever going to see you and thought he might at least give himself a chance to know the cute girl he saw at an old coffee shop. He stood up and walked to your way. The other members cheered him quietly while Mark was just laughing on his own. 

He put down a plate of chocolate cake at your table. You looked up to see him smiling again, you immediately took off your earphones eager to hear what he's about to say. 

“I hope you like chocolate cake.” The sound of his voice lingers in your ear, you can't help but smile and nod. You know he's flirting and you don't mind it, in fact, you like that he's flirting with you because you like him too. 

“I do. Thank you.” You wished he didn't see you eating greasy finger foods that you took from your grandma's party. You slowly put back the bag of Ziploc into your bag. Johnny saw what you did and thought it's funny but didn't say a word. 

“I see that you're alone. Do you mind me sitting with you?” You looked at him and looked behind him and saw 9 men watching the two of you talk. They all changed their gaze avoiding eye contact with you but they made it so obvious. 

“Aren't you with your friends?”

“We're always together. I'm sure they would appreciate the favour that I'm not with them for once.” He said which made you laugh. Johnny could swore that he felt butterflies in his stomach when he heard you laugh. You asked him to sit with you thinking it’s probably not gonna hurt little company while you wait for your grandmother’s party to end. 

The two of you talked like you've known each other for a long time. There is something about Johnny’s confidence that made him a little intimidating but also surprisingly comfortable. Johnny on the other hand feels like he’s himself again after a very long time.

Halfway through the conversation, he finally introduced himself as a member of a Kpop boy group. You didn't know that he’s an idol. You've heard about their group on one of The Late Night Show that your mom loves to watch, but you didn't really pay attention. Johnny saw that you were overwhelmed when he told you who he was and he visibly panicked as well.

He put his hand on top of yours trying to comfort you, which you found funny because Johnny looked like he needed the comfort more than you do. You assured him that you don't mind his profession and that your initial impression of him is what you liked more. 

Johnny couldn’t believe he would find a gem in an old coffee shop in a city he’s only been in because of work. He asked for your number and offered you a ride home in their trip bus. Johnny eventually needed to go back to Korea after two days. He made sure to take you out on a date for those two days and that's more than enough memories of him for you. 

He called you day and night as much as he could. You're always on facetime with him that it almost feels like you're with him all the time. He cherishes his special connection with you even though both of you were uncertain of what kind of relationship you share. Is it just friendship? Or is there more to it?

Johnny was scared to ask you to be his girlfriend over the phone. He knows you deserve more than that, so 3 months later he decided to visit you. 

You had a bad day at work and was surprised to see Johnny waiting for you outside. He was leaning on a car he rented, wearing a brown sweatshirt and denim jeans emphasizing the length of his limbs. He looked exhausted, but still handsome as ever, smiling from ear to ear. 

Johnny’s plan was to check in a hotel first and freshen up, but after he got his rented car he found himself driving to you with suitcases in his trunk. He brought you to the same old coffee shop you both love and wasted no time asking you to be his girlfriend. Just like that, over two cups of americano, you will go home with Johnny as your boyfriend. 

He can only stay in Canada for 2 weeks. Your family loved him dearly and invited him to stay at your house instead of going back to a hotel every night after spending the whole day at your house. 

Two weeks felt like two years. Hugs and kisses, laughter that you can hear throughout your house, his cologne lingers on your hair, Johnny is everywhere in your home and you love it. You have never been happier, you didn't expect to find love when you're not even looking.

You were watching Minho and Johnny play basketball in the backyard when your dad stood beside you.

“You're happy.” It wasn't a question, it’s a statement. You looked in his direction and you saw him watching your brother and your boyfriend play with a hint of smile on his face. 

“Your mom and I worry about you because you never showed interest in other people. Remember when your mom asked you why you never go out with your friends and colleagues? You simply told her that we were your friends. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful that you grew up to be such a loving and wonderful daughter- but your mom and I are worried that when it’s time for us to kick the bucket and when your brother decides to have his own family...” He sighed and met your eyes with a set of tears. “We’re afraid that you will be lonely. It would hurt me to leave my daughter all alone.”

Hearing what your father said brought tears to your eyes but you tried so hard to hide it. You hugged him and stared at the sky. “You don't have to worry about me dad. You know I'm okay alone.”

“Y/n, alone is okay. Loneliness isn't.” He looked back to the boys playing. He didn’t say anything and just smoothed out your hair and sweetly carresed your back. “Johnny asked our permission to bring you back to Korea with him.”

You looked in your father’s direction so fast it could snap your neck. “He did what? I didn't know anything about that, I swear!” you protested.

“It's okay, we're not mad. When I was your age your mom and I were set to get married.” He laughed. “You're old enough to leave the nest, but we told him that the decision is still up to you. This is your life y/n and we want you to make the most of it, make mistakes, try new things. Remember we’ll always, always support you no matter what. I just need you to know how much we love you.”

You didn't notice that you're already crying hard. You hugged your dad tightly and he returned it to you.  You’re happy that you’re going to start a new chapter in your life with Johnny, but at the same time you can’t help but feel bad that you’re leaving your people behind. Your dad assured you that they will be alright in Canada and they will always be one phone call away.

“Just try to refrain from doing anything illegal. Okay? It will be hard to support you behind bars.” You and your dad could only laugh. 

You looked at Johnny and saw him looking at you too, trying to read the situation you're having with your father. You smiled at him, tears of happiness still evident in your eyes. That gave Johnny a sense of confirmation. He smiled back at you and gave you a wink. 

Korea

You and Johnny decided to rent an apartment big enough for the two of you. You sent a request to your firm to transfer you to their branch in Korea, and luckily there is an opening there with better pay and benefits. 

Everything is going well according to plan- if not better- however you cannot deny that your first couple of months were a little hard for you. but you managed to get by with Johnny’s help. 

Your once empty apartment started to fill up with memories. Pictures of you and Johnny are hanging on the walls, there are also pictures of Johnny’s group members with you. For the first time you finally have friends you can depend on, who can listen to you and not judge you, friends that you know will never leave your side. 

Two years later

Your relationship with Johnny is what they call smooth sailing. You were very understanding of how demanding his job is and he’s thankful for that. You take care of him as much as he takes care of you. Your love for one another never wavered, but just like any other relationship, yours isn't perfect. 

You always wanted to go out on a date. Dates like you used to have when you're in Canada with him. You know that your relationship is secret, but you can’t help to get jealous when you see your workmates going out on a date or when they upload a picture of them with their husbands and boyfriends. 

Just like any other girl, you want that and crave for that too. You’re so proud of him that your heart physically aches when you can't do anything about it. You want to brag about him to the world and you want to show everyone that he’s in love with you, but you can't. You’re not allowed to. Not when his contract specifically said that he can't be seen dating. You might be just like any other girl but your boyfriend isn’t just like any other guy, he’s Johnny Suh.

“I just want a date babe. A dinner date is all I ask of you.” You were sitting on the couch, quietly crying while he’s kneeling in front of you cupping your face. 

“You’re making it sound so easy y/n. I'm sorry, but you know that we can't be seen dating in public. We already talked about this. I am crazy in love with you, you have me. Isn't that enough for now?” 

Johnny’s heart is breaking into pieces when he sees you like this. He hates it when he can't give you what you want. He hates it when he can't even take you out on a simple date. Yes, he had a dinner date with you before at your dining room, but never outside the four walls of your apartment. 

If you only knew how much he wanted to show you off but his career is just as important to him. He trained and waited 9 years to debut as an idol and NCT is just starting to get popular worldwide. He can't jeopardize the success of his whole group to go out on a date with you. 

“I'm sorry too if I'm being unreasonable. It's been two years since we last went out, I guess I just miss it.” Now that you're hearing yourself, you just sounded so stupid. How can you be this selfish and ask him something you know he can't do?

He pulled you closer and hugged you tight. “No babe. I'm sorry. Wait for a little more okay? I'll take you on the best date the world has ever seen, you just have to be a little more patient with me.” 

“I guess I can wait a little longer.” He looked at you and you smiled at him. 

He pecked your lips and looked you in the eye. “I love you so much y/n.” He kissed you slowly. A very passionate kiss that Johnny always gives you. It's almost as if he’s talking instead of kissing. You felt his love for you, and how much he’s sorry for not giving you what you wanted. 

**

You kissed him back, but this time the kisses went deeper making it obvious that you’re asking for more. You put your arms around his neck as you lay down on the couch without breaking the kiss. His hand is supporting your back and the other is gripping your thigh slowly spreading it so he can position himself on top of you.

He pressed his body to you as you two continued to kiss. You can feel his crotch getting hard. You break away from the kiss.

“Really? We're just kissing and you're hard already?” You teased him. He didn't say anything, he just smirked at you and pressed his crotch to you even more. You can feel his hard member on your clothed pussy, longing for you. Johnny on the other hand can feel your body starting to heat. You bit your lip and instantly, Johnny knew you're getting aroused.

He carried you to your shared bedroom and carefully laid you down on the bed. He took off your shirt and started kissing your chest. He purposely avoided your hardened nipples and it's making you crazy. 

“Please..” you pleaded. Johnny smirked, he loves it when you plead.

He stopped kissing your chest. He cupped your breast and looked into your eyes as he slowly licked your nipple. You couldn't help but moan louder when he softly bit it. He switched kissing and licking you from one boob to another while his other hand is taking off your shorts and underwear. 

He got up from the bed and looked at you completely naked in front of him while he’s still wearing his pants and hoodie. You were about to cover yourself when he pinned both of your wrists on the sides of your head. 

“Are you shy?” He asked you. You blushed so hard, but you didn't look away from his stare. 

He pecked your lips and got up again to admire your naked body, you didn’t move and just let him look at your nakedness. He loves every inch of your body, even the imperfections you are insecure about looks so perfect to him.

He put his index finger on your lips and slowly traced your body downward. His touch makes you even crazier. You closed your eyes and gripped the sheets around you as you anticipated his touch down there, but he stopped before he could even reach your pussy. He smirked at the sight of you aroused. 

While your eyes still closed. He lowered himself down to your pussy and licked it without touching it. You arched your back as you felt his warm tongue touch your clit. He licked you like there's no tomorrow while two of his fingers are going in and out of your hole. 

“Oh my god Johnny” you moaned his name as you feel getting closer to your climax. Johnny did his best as you reached your high. 

He quickly took off his clothes and his boxer. Johnny is big, and for someone dating him for two years you’re always still in shock whenever you see his member hard and ready for you. You never craved for him more than ever. 

He went to his bedside drawer and pulled out a condom. He was about to open it when you stopped him. 

“Can we do it raw tonight baby? Please?” You asked him oh so sweetly.

Johnny wasn't sure if it was a good idea. You rarely have raw sex that it's almost never, but he can't turn you down again twice in one night. You know that Johnny is having a hard time deciding. “Don't worry babe. I'll take Plan B tomorrow morning.” You assured him.

He smiled at you as an agreement and kissed you on your lips as he slowly thrust himself inside you. Just when you thought that's all he has, Johnny pushes more of him in you. You felt so full with Johnny inside of you.

You can never get used to his big dick, no matter how many times you’ve tasted it. Every time feels like your first time. It doesn't hurt, but you can feel the good stretch his dick has been giving you and it's very addicting. 

You glanced at him, his head looking down at you, eyes filled both with lust and love. 

The feeling of your raw pussy is something Johnny cannot explain. The moment he puts all of himself inside you, he can already feel like he’s about to cum. 

Johnny is going crazy about how tight you are and how you clench and unclench yourself around his dick. His thrusts are slow but balls deep, careful not to finish yet. Johnny keeps on whispering in your ear how much he loves you, how good you feel and how much he finds you beautiful.

Tonight isn't just sex. Tonight you are making love. All you can hear is soft pounding and soft moans from you and Johnny. 

You can feel you’re getting closer to reach your high, you moan his name louder as you beg for more. Your moans aroused him even more, his thrusts began to pace up and he’s fucking you harder. 

“Fuck baby you feel so good.” He whispered to your ear. Johnny is groaning to the sound of your wet pussy getting hammered by him.

“Cum in me baby.” You whispered back. Johnny is losing his mind, he’s having the best sex with you and didn't get to process what you just said.

He came inside you and you also finished just in time. You felt his warm cum blurted inside of you, it felt so good you screamed his name once more. Although both of you already came, Johnny didn’t immediately stop thrusting his dick in you, but he gradually slowed down. You're already shaking under him when he decides to stop and pull out. You love every second of it.

He kissed your neck then your lips. With weak knees, Johnny managed to get a warm damp towel to wipe you clean. He pulled the cover over you and he laid down beside you both still naked.

“I love you so much Johnny.” You hugged him and you instantly fell asleep on his chest with a smile on your face.

“I love you most baby.” He whispered and kissed your forehead.

**

The next morning feels different. It feels like you just got married and you're now on your honeymoon with Johnny. The sun softly hit your eyes. You wake with a smile on your face remembering  the amazing night with Johnny. You looked on your side and saw the bed empty. You took your robe on and went to the kitchen, there you saw Johnny cooking breakfast you smiled at the sight in front of you. 

Johnny heard the bedroom door open and looked your way. He smiled as soon as he saw you walking towards him. Sometimes he can't help but wonder how lucky he is to have you. Just looking at you in the morning makes him so happy, you are indeed the best thing that ever happened to him. 

“Hi, babe. Good morning.” You greeted him while you hugged him from behind and softly placed a kiss on his back. “You look handsome.” He’s wearing an oversized purple hoodie and purple sweatpants. He looked so handsome even when wearing the simplest clothes. 

You were seated at the table ashe put a plate of toast, eggs and bacon in front of you and another serving for him. Both of you ate quietly, hearts full of joy. The silence isn't deafening but rather enjoyable.

“Babe. I have a surprise for you.” Johnny said as you finished your freshly squeezed orange juice. You can hear the excitement in his voice and you can't help but feel excited as well.

“What is it? Please,not another piece of jewelry. You know how I feel about them.” You jokingly said. He laughed and shook his head. 

He took both of your hands and held them tight. For a moment you thought he was going to propose.

“Dinner reservation tonight at 9 PM. Capital Grille.” 

Your eyes went huge and you covered your gaping mouth with both of your hands. Johnny was over the moon seeing your reaction. You wondered what happened that changed his mind, but you’re thankful for it.

What happened is, Johnny woke up this morning full of love. He looked at you sleeping beside him and just thought that you deserve all the best things this world has to offer. He got up and went out to the balcony and made a bunch of calls to make this long awaited date happen. He spent his morning on call from picking restaurants to songs to be played on your date. 

You were so excited you jumped around the room. Johnny stood up from his seat and tried to calm you down, but instead, you jumped into his arms and hugged him so tight. Tears are starting to form in your eyes, but this time it's not from disappointment.

“Thank you, Johnny. You made me so happy.” You whispered as you buried your face on his neck. Johnny closed his eyes tightly, smiling from ear to ear, hugging you back. 

“Then I'm happy too.” 

You break away from the hug. Everything sank in and you started to panic. You don't have anything to wear. Your hair is extremely dry and your natural hair colour is now appearing on your roots. Your skin is dehydrated and almost ashy.

“Baby I have to leave. I'm going to prepare for tonight.” You said as you ran to your shared bedroom, changed clothes and kissed Johnny goodbye before he could even get a word in. He can only smile and shake his head as he was left all alone in the kitchen.

You and Johnny decided to meet at the restaurant instead of going together. It is safer that way so no one would see you both coming in. 

Johnny is nervously holding a huge 24 pink tulip bouquet arrangement standing beside the table he reserved for that evening. In fact, Johnny reserved the whole restaurant just for the two of you. He was so excited about your date he came an hour early. You're also ready by 8 pm but you wanted to come in late for suspense. 

You are wearing a tight white dress that hugs your body showing your beautiful curves. You dyed your hair to your natural colour and trimmed it just above your shoulders exposing your collarbones. You had your makeup done and they've done it so beautifully it looked so natural.

You walked into the restaurant and Johnny’s heart beats faster as he heard someone come in. You walked in slowly and you saw Johnny in the middle of an empty restaurant beside a single table holding a gorgeous bouquet. Your heart feels like it's going to explode. 

Like you he made changes with his look, Johnny had an undercut and he brushed back his hair. He’s wearing a white button-down shirt and navy pants. You can't describe what you're feeling, all you know is you're so in love with the man standing in front of you. 

Johnny gasped when he saw you. For a moment he forgot how to breathe. You're so beautiful he can't believe that you are real. 

“y/n, you're breathtaking.” Johnny greeted you and kissed you on your cheek. With that simple gesture, he made you feel extremely beautiful. 

The whole night was just perfect. It feels like the first time seeing each other. He loves what you did to your hair so much he couldn't stop talking about it. The two of you talked as if you never saw each other for years. As the night soon to end, Johnny handed you an envelope, you looked at it confused. 

“You asked me not to give you jewelry anymore, but I still want to give you something.” 

You gasped. “Is it money?” You joked. 

He threw his head back and laughed. “You wish.”

You carefully opened the envelope and peeked inside. It's a handwritten letter from Johnny.

He remembered that you have never received a love letter before, so he decided to be the first to write you one. 

My love,

I have never written a love letter before so you have to bear with me throughout the whole thing. 

To say that I love you is an understatement. If there is something greater than love, then that is what I feel for you. You are the most perfect person I have ever met in my life. Every night I pray that you're not just a perfect dream, but if ever that's the case, then I pray that I will never wake up from it. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm thankful that I’m the one you’ve chosen to love.

Your love made me realize things. You taught me to see colours in my black and white world. You helped me grow and you helped me reach the success that I have now. I am glad that after a long day of being an idol I can come home to you and just be me. John. The John that you love. With you, I feel like I can do anything, and I thank you for that. Thank you for guiding me and supporting me. 

The person I am today is because of you. 

I love you with all my heart and all I am. 

You are my everything. 

Your love,

Johnny

Your eyes are pooling with tears as you read his letter. His words swelled your heart with love. It's simple but straightforward. You looked at Johnny and he’s crying too, he took your hand and kissed the back of your palm.

“I love you so, so much.” He whispered under his breath. It's so faint and sincere you almost didn't hear it.

The night ended and you went home together. You were supposed to go home separately but you don't want to end your night like that, especially when you're going home to the same place. Johnny did not insist on going separately as he didn't want to start an argument and spoil the night. He thought it must be safe now that it's already past midnight. 

The drive home is very quiet, both of you could hear your smiles, unable to hide your happiness. Johnny’s one hand is on the wheel and the other is holding your hand by his lips, kissing and sniffing it now and then.

The moment you and Johnny got home, he undressed you and then himself immediately while kissing you intensely. Both of you walked naked across your apartment as he leads you to the shower and had a steamy sex before continuing your business to bed. It was yet again the best night of your life. 

It's almost 1 PM when you wake up with Johnny’s side of the bed empty. You smiled at the thought of him making you brunch just like yesterday. You jumped out of the bed, wore your robe and went outside. You looked at the kitchen and it was empty, you went to the balcony but Johnny wasn't there either. The bathrooms are empty. It's Sunday, he usually doesn't have a schedule on Sundays. 

You went back to your bedroom and took your phone from the bedside table. You scanned through it hoping to see a text from Johnny but there's nothing. He's not like this, he never leaves without telling you or leaving a note. 

You dialled his number, it only rang once and went to voicemail. You didn't try calling him again thinking he might be busy so you left him a message instead.

Hi babe. I woke up without you here. Is it work? Text back, please. I love you!

An hour passed and he still hasn't called you yet. You decided to call their manager but it went to voicemail as well, so you ended up calling Taeyong and fortunately he answered only after a few rings. 

“Y/n? Hi!” He greeted.

“Hi, Tyong. I hope I'm not bothering you.” You thought he might be busy as well since he and Johnny are in the group and share almost the same workload.

“No, not at all. How are you?” He doesn't sound so busy, so why is Johnny not answering your calls?

“Not much Tyong, I’m just wondering if you know where Johnny is? He’s not here when I woke up and he’s not answering any of my calls and texts. It’s not very like him to leave home without writing me a note or at least sending me a text.”

Taeyong did not answer for a couple of seconds. It's almost like he’s thinking about what to answer next. “All I know is he was called at the office with manager Hyung.”

You were very relieved that he's somewhere safe, the tightness of your chest started to loosen up. “Oh thank you! For a moment I thought he's somewhere out there laying on the road.” You joked. 

Taeyong forcefully laughed but you didn't notice it. “Glad to help. Uhm, hey y/n, it was nice hearing from you but I have to go.” He ended the call before you could even say goodbye. 

All-day you waited for Johnny to come home. You ate the leftover lunch from yesterday and wondered if Johnny had breakfast before leaving. You ended up watching movies to kill time when you drift to sleep.

Johnny came home almost midnight. He’s at the agency's office for almost 12 hours. His head is aching and his stomach is growling. He saw you sleeping on the couch as he made his way to the kitchen to see what you cooked for dinner but there's nothing. He then saw the sink and there's a dirty plate from the lunch you ate. He couldn't help getting pissed when the thought of you staying all day at home and you did literally nothing but lay down. 

He decided to toast a couple of slices of bread and eat it with Nutella and warm milk to ease his hunger. After he ate, he left his plate in the sink and didn't bother with the dishes that are mostly used by you. 

He glanced at you sleeping so cozy on the couch. He didn't know why he's feeling so mad at you right now that he couldn't even look at you. He decided to let you sleep there as he slept alone on the bed for the first time since both of you started dating. 

It was 7 am when you woke up the next morning and to your surprise, you're still alone. You checked your phone and you saw a message from him saying he left early and he's already at work. You're hurt. He came home last night and he didn't wake you up? A lot of different scenarios run through your head, but you shrug them all off as you prepare for work. 

All day and you can’t get Johnny out of your head. You sent him texts in between your work, but he never texts you back even though it says that he’s already seen your messages. You thought he might just be having a bad day and he will talk to you about it tonight when you get home.

You came home thinking that Johnny is already there waiting for you, but you came back to it just like how you left it. No signs of Johnny anywhere, he hasn’t been home yet. You made ramen for yourself and cleaned up the stacks of unwashed dishes. You prepared Johnny stir-fried rice and bulgogi. You waited for him by the table, but he never came home. It’s past 1am and he still hasn't answered any of your calls and texts.

This is the first time that Johnny didn't talk to you for a whole day. You aren't stupid nor numb, you know he is avoiding you and you have no idea why. Yet you still gave him the benefit of the doubt. That night, you slept alone on your cold bed after two years of sleeping in Johnny’s warm embrace- praying that he’s just busy and you're not slowly losing him. 

Johnny on the other hand is trying to keep himself busy, taking all the work he can get so he can get you off of his head. He worked harder than everyone, tripling his practice time to stay late at work. He knows you're waiting at home, he knows you're probably wondering but he's shrugging it off. He’s reading your texts and purposely leaving themn on read so you’d know that he doesn’t want to talk to you. You could sleep on your own, he coldly thought.  

The members and staff are starting to wonder about Johnny’s sudden change of behaviour. He’s been quiet and grumpy when someone approaches him. He doesn't like to be joked at or with which is very unlikely because that’s his unofficial role in the group. They wanted to know what’s wrong, but nobody dared to ask. 

Everybody, including you, find this Johnny very unfamiliar… except for Taeyong.

Taeyong was with Johnny the day after your date. He was waiting outside the room where Johnny was, waiting his turn to be called in.

Johnny was summoned by the higher ups of the agency that day after your date with him. They found out about the little date the two of you had and Johnny is receiving the bad end of it. The company has been scolding him for jeopardizing his group’s success and for forgetting the contract he signed when joining the company. Johnny could only silently listen and absorb everything they’ve been telling and calling him.

The meeting was not really supposed to take 12 hours, but when the company suggested that Johnny should end his relationship with you, that’s when he started to talk back. He fought for you. “The date only took a couple of hours and it was just that one time!” Johnny explained.

“May I remind you that the contract you signed specifically stated that you cannot be seen dating in public! It was never stated that you can do it once and can get away with it!” 

“But nobody saw us! We were careful! This wouldn’t be a problem if none of you are making it a problem!” He stood up from his seat slamming his hand on the desk, leaning towards the people in the front of him.

“Johnny calm down.” Taeyong said as he tried to pull Johnny back to his seat. Johnny was visibly frustrated; he didn’t even notice that he’s already standing and raising his voice to his boss.

“If you think you’re being slick and no one saw you, how do you think we know what you did last night?” His boss answered him coldly. Johnny could only sigh. There’s a lot of things he wanted to say, but he refrained from saying them.

“I will not break up with her. You will not decide for the relationship we have and that’s final.”

The bosses could only look at each other and took their time to talk about what kind of consequences they should give Johnny. They doubt that Johnny wouldn’t do anything like this again, so instead of requiring him to break up with you they demanded Johnny to move back to dorms with his other members, but he insisted on staying with you. 

Johnny tries to say no, but their decisions are final and he has to meet them halfway. His career is on the line, the company is holding his solo debut at his head. He lost the trust of his company and earning it back would take hard work. Johnny felt like he’s back to square one, he felt like he’s back to where he was 10 years ago. 

He pleaded that he would move out gradually because he can’t just leave you all of a sudden when he’s all you have in Korea. He couldn’t think ways of how or in what way he would tell you that he’s in deep shit right now and hope that you accept this news lightly.

Taeyong guessed that Johnny never figured out how to tell you that he asked you to leave your life in Canada to move in with him in a country you know nothing about, just so he could leave you all alone in a home both of you built.

As much as Taeyong pity his friend, he feels sorry for you the most. He can see you struggling to find light in the dark where Johnny has left you, you had no idea what was happening, but he’s not in the right position to tell you what he knows.

In the end, Johnny never had the heart to tell you what the company has been pressuring him to do. He just stopped coming home and keeps on avoiding your texts and calls hoping that you will get tired soon and will eventually stop chasing after him. Johnny did his best to distance himself from you. 

Everyday is a struggle for him to the extent that he is now clouded with nothing but anger. He’s not realizing what he was doing and just started picking the easier but wrong decisions in everything. He bottled all to himself thinking that he was saving you from all the pain he’s going through. 

But he’s wrong. He didn’t make it easier, he didn’t save you from any pain. You’re not doing any better. You’re hurting and he’s the reason why. You have no idea why Johnny suddenly kept his distance from you. He never told you why he was never home anymore. You lost all the reasons to justify what he’s doing to you, all you’re left with are questions.

Two years in a relationship and one day he decided to disappear all of a sudden. You don’t even know if you’re still together with him. Why is this happening? 

His clothes are still hanging on the left side of the closet, but it hasn't been touched for over a week now. Everyday you wake up, go to work, go home and wait for him to come back. The days are longer and the nights are colder. You’re like a dead person walking. You never reached Johnny on his own phone so you feed yourself information about him through his members, mostly from Taeyong. 

Taeyong informed you that Johnny needed to stay at the dorm temporarily because their upcoming album has been demanding most of their time. Of course it’s a lie. A lie that Taeyong chose to tell you so you could at least get a wink of sleep tonight and stop waiting for Johnny to come home. 

Taeyong cannot tell you that Johnny has been telling everybody that he's broken up with you and now living a separate life from you while you're at home alone, sitting in your room waiting for Johnny to embrace you to sleep. 

“You've had comeback preparations before, but he never left home. Can't he just stay here?” You asked Taeyong, voice shaking, tears threatening to fall. 

Taeyong on the other line is gripping his phone so hard it feels like he could actually crush it. You have been very special to him since he laid eyes on you in that old coffee shop, but he never really paid attention to it, he never allowed himself to catch feelings for you because you’ve been off limits from the very start. 

“I wish I could answer that for you. I am sorry, I really am. Is there anything else I can do for you?” 

It’s hard for him to comfort you and keep his distance at the same time. Johnny asked him not to talk to you anymore but Taeyong simply couldn’t do that even when it feels like he’s betraying his friend.

Your sobs are getting louder, “Is-is he there? Can I talk to him please?”

Taeyong looked at Johnny, who seemed to be watching a movie in the living room. He turned his back and closed his eyes tightly. He had to lie again. The sound of your desperate voice breaks Taeyong’s heart into pieces. If only he could wrap his arms around you to keep you safe, he would. 

“He’s not here right now y/n.” Taeyong bit his lip tightly when he heard you sobbed again on the other line. “I’m so sorry.” is all he could say. 

“I understand, don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. Thank you Tyong for staying with me. I’m hanging up now, I could use some sleep.” You said and ended the call.

Before you sleep, you send Johnny another text.

Babe, please. I just need to talk to you. Don’t do this to me. I love you.

Johnny saw your text and he could feel that you’re crying again. Before, the thought of you crying breaks Johnny’s heart but now all he can feel is anger. Why are you crying again? Can’t you do anything better than cry?

Every night you cry yourself to sleep. Hugging Johnny’s pillow that still smelled like him. You didn't know when it went downhill. Was it something you did? Was he not interested in you anymore? He could've just broken up with you, why did he have to just ignore you?

You're so weak and couldn't get out of bed anymore that you have to ask for sick leave at your job. You're barely eating, but you didn't notice your hunger or maybe you just don't care. 

For three weeks Johnny acted as if you didn't exist. You don't even know what's the situation of your relationship, is he even still your boyfriend? You’d rather be cheated on than to be treated like this. It's painful to not know what went wrong. Is it you or him? Is there a reason why or was he just fooling around with you all these years. Not knowing hurts, not knowing drives you crazy.

It’s been a month. A month of waiting for Johnny. A month has passed since you stopped caring about the world outside your bedroom. Your job has been calling you to get back to work but you never answered them. You can’t remember when’s the last time you ate, nor seen the outside of your apartment. 

The curtains help dim your room during the day, and the darkness comforts you at night. 

It has been a month since you last talked to your family in Canada, you've been giving them excuses why they couldn't get ahold of you. They knew something’s not right, but they didn't force you to talk, they comfort you instead. You don’t want them to know that Johnny has been treating you like shit, you don’t want your family to see him in any other way other than the Johnny they love. 

Your brother Minho assured you that he will be on the next flight to Korea if you ever need him with you. You wanted to tell them so badly but you're still hoping to fix everything with Johnny. A little more time is what you give yourself. A little more time to hope. 

It's 5 p.m. and you're still laying on your bed, eyes red and swollen from crying after you lied to your parents for the hundredth time. You reached for your water at the bedside table, but it was empty. You sighed and stood up slowly to fill it up but your head started spinning.

You knew this wasn't good and immediately dialled anyone in your phonebook hoping they would answer before you pass out because your vision is starting to get blurry.

“Hello y/n?” Someone answered. 

“P-please help me. Send m-me help.” is the last thing you said. 

You heard the other person calling out your name but you already lost consciousness and dropped on the floor. 

You woke up somewhere unfamiliar. You're hearing monitors and people chattering. The first thing your eyes looked for is Johnny, but he's not there. You looked to your side and you saw Taeyong on his phone sitting in a chair beside you. 

“Y/n you're awake.” He noticed your head moving and jumped up from his seat. “How are you feeling? Do you remember what happened?” You remembered, but you didn't have the energy to answer. “You called me for help before you blacked out. I was so worried for you I almost destroyed your front door if it wasn't for the maintenance guy who heard me screaming for help.” 

Taeyong tends to get talkative when flustered and he was obviously affected by what happened to you. He was in the middle of recording when he received your call and had to drop everything he’s doing to help you. He almost crashed his car multiple times driving to your place, his mind was all over the place hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. 

“Wait for me a second. Let me call someone.” He rushed outside the room. He came back with a doctor and a nurse. The nurse went straight to your side to check your heartbeat, breathing and the drips of your fluids. 

“Miss Choi y/n, how are you feeling?” The doctor asked you, sounding a little optimistic.

You didn't answer, you just looked at her. 

“You were brought here to the hospital because you fainted. We did some tests to find out what caused that and we found out that there’s a sudden drop of nutrients in your body due to extreme hunger and you’re also slightly dehydrated. Do you know when's the last time you ate?” You looked away and kept quiet. You didn't answer not because you don't want to, you didn't answer because you don't know what to answer. “Miss Choi?” She repeated. 

“I have no idea. Maybe yesterday? Maybe 3 days ago. I don't know, I'm sorry.”

You haven't been eating, Taeyong thought. He felt a rush of guilt, he thought of all the times he ate while you're at home starving yourself. He knows none of this was your fault, but he’s so disappointed at you right now.  Why are you apologizing? Why are you apologizing when the person should be apologizing to you is busy kissing his boss’s ass. 

“Miss Choi, I don't know what you're going through but you have to take good care of yourself because I have one more piece of news for you and I need you to be very brave, okay?”

You listened but you avoided eye contact. What else could she tell you that would hurt you more than you’re hurting right now?

“We also found out that you are in your first trimester of pregnancy and based on the size of your baby we were able to know that you are currently 4 weeks pregnant.”

You immediately looked at your doctor to see if she was playing with you, but no. The air in the room is serious.

You remember the night before your date with Johnny. You had unprotected sex that night and you were supposed to take a morning pill the next day, but you was so occupied with Johnny’s surprise that you forgot to take the pill. 

You're pregnant, alone, and scared. You're pregnant and Johnny’s nowhere to be found. You're so stupid for forgetting to take that damn pill. What will happen to you now? You can barely take care of yourself, you most likely don't have a job anymore for all the leave without absence you took and you have no one in Korea. 

Taeyong noticed the rush of emotions in your eyes. He didn’t know why he did what he did but he quickly held on to your hand tightly. You didn't look at him, but you accepted his hand and squeezed it so hard. 

“It's less likely that the pregnancy caused you to faint. We checked the baby’s health, it's on the right track and healthy. Even with that news, I still advise you to take extra precautions. If you can avoid stress, avoid it. And there will be little changes in your diet to keep you and the baby healthy.”

None of what she’s saying makes sense anymore. All you know is you're pregnant and you don't know what to do. You don't even know if Johnny still wanted you. Your body went cold and numb, you wanted to cry but you were so tired you physically can't cry anymore. 

You stayed at the hospital for another hour to finish the bag of drip they administered you. Taeyong never left your side. He let you hold his hand, no words were said. He sat beside your bed holding your hand and the other was brushing your hair with his fingers. The two of you stayed like this until the nurse cleared you for discharge. 

Taeyong is now driving you back home. He stopped himself from asking you questions that might overwhelm you more, he let you be with your thoughts as he didn't have the right words to say so he remained quiet. 

When he found out you're pregnant with Johnny, he thought it would be easier for him to deny that he likes you but to his surprise the news didn't change his feelings for you. In fact, he somehow feels more connected and responsible for you and your baby now.

You’re looking at the trees passing when you start sobbing. You’re feeling suffocated. The news that you're pregnant hasn't sinked in yet. Taeyong glanced at your direction and immediately pulled over in an empty park near Han River.He opened the locks of the door and you quickly ran out of his car, sat down on the grass and cried. You cried your heart out and questioned everything. Is this a punishment for something you did wrong? Isn't this a little too much? Why is this happening to you?

The night breeze is cold. Taeyong took off his jacket and placed it on your shoulder. You caught his hand on your shoulder and pulled him closer to you begging for support. Taeyong was caught off guard but he wrapped his arms around you tightly and just let you cry on his shoulder until you calmed down.

For what seems to be a long time you once again found solace in the arms of a friend.

When you arrived home, you invited Taeyong to come in. You thought it’s the least you can do for all the trouble you have caused him today. You made him a cup of coffee and sat across the table. “I'm sorry if I took too much of your time.” You broke the silence fidgeting with your fingers. 

Taeyong’s drinking a cup of coffee from Johnny’s mug. You can't help but feel sad again.

“No, don't say sorry. I wasn't doing anything anyway.” He lied. It's not his intention to lie to you, but you've been beating yourself up quite frequently and he doesn't want to add up to your guilt. 

“Di-did you tell Johnny?” 

“I didn't. I feel like it's not my place to tell anyone, even Johnny.” His jaw clenched as he thinks of what he's about to say. “I know how often you call him and how he purposely ignores them.”

Your heart broke into pieces. You know he ignores you, but to confirm it from Taeyong shattered you. 

You don’t want to cry anymore but tears rolled down your cheeks. You wiped them immediately, but more started to pour. No matter how hard you try to prevent yourself from crying, you just can't stop the tears from flowing. Sometimes it’s surprising how much tears you can cry. 

The silence is what you need, you don’t want pity, you just need someone to be there for you. You cried quietly, but this time you have someone to cry to, someone who understands you and a friend to console you.

Taeyong wanted to stay over the night and sleep on the couch to look after you but you politely declined. You've caused him too much trouble for a lifetime, you couldn't ask him for more. It’s almost 2am when Taeyong left your apartment and you found yourself alone in your house once again. 

You decided it’s time to ask for a lifeline, it’s time to ask for help. No more pretending that everything’s going to be okay. You are weak and you need support. You took your phone out and turned on facetime. 

Talking to your parents about the pregnancy is another thing to think of. After a month you finally contacted your family in Canada. You know you will disappoint them greatly but the only help you need most are theirs and the first person you thought of is your mom. Your best friend.

“Y/n? I missed you so much! You haven't been online lately. How are you?” The sound of her voice already brings you comfort. The fear and worry you're feeling disappeared. 

“I'm not okay mom.” You bit your lip as you admitted. You know you're not okay but when you heard yourself say that, you felt sorry for yourself.

“What's wrong hun?” She asked you. Worry can be heard in her voice. You also heard your dad and your brother behind asking the same question. 

“Is dad and Minho there? Can you put me on speakerphone please?” 

“You're already on speakerphone baby. What's the matter?” Your dad spoke. You closed your eyes as you heard your father’s voice. How much you miss him hits you so hard.

“Mom, dad. I'm so, so sorry.” You let out a deep sigh and your tears came with it. You’re scared but you know you don’t have to. “Johnny hasn't been home for a month now and.. and I just found out that I'm.. I'm pregnant.”

There was a moment of silence in the other line. You were so nervous about what they were about to say. Are they going to disown you? Do they hate you? You hoped they’ll scream at you and call you a disgrace rather than this silence. 

“I'm going to be an uncle?!” You heard your brother screams purposely ignoring the first news you told them and chose to focus on the good one first, your mom let out a cautious laugh while your dad remains silent.

“Dad?” You asked for him. “I know you're mad and disappointed in me. I know this isn't what we hoped for and I'm really sorry dad. I hope you still love me.” You cried. 

You heard your dad laugh on the other line. “I am not mad nor disappointed in you y/n. And yes I love you so much and right now it might be two times more than usual.” 

“He’s crying y/n.” Your mom teased your dad. “We're happy for you. We’re going to be grandparents!”

They didn’t ask anything about Johnny out of respect so you initiated the talk. You told them everything that happened between you and Johnny. You also mentioned Taeyong helped you greatly during the challenging times. You also told them your plan about telling Johnny that you’re carrying his child. 

Your mom felt so sorry for you, your brother was furious but your dad remained composed and neutral. They made sure that whatever happens, you have a home and a family to go home to.

For the first time after four weeks, you laid on your bed without wishing Johnny was beside you. You felt drained and empty, but you also felt a sudden charge of strength and courage. Now that you're near to becoming a mother, you promised yourself that all decisions you will be making will be nothing but the best for your child. From this day on you will pour out the remaining love you have left in you to your baby.

The very next day you went to a convenience store near your apartment and bought three packs of pregnancy kits. You have decided that you will finally pay Johnny a visit. You have decided to tell him about the baby, after all, he is still the father and you thought he somewhat deserves to know. 

You're scared to your wits how he would react, what if he doesn't want to own up and take responsibility for this. But then you keep reminding yourself that you owe this to your unborn child, you have to at least try to give your baby a father if not a complete family and if he doesn't want to do anything with it then you will leave.

Peeing on a stick and waiting for its result isn't as nerve-wracking as you expected it to be maybe because you already know what’s the result’s going to be. But as you start seeing two lines on it you started bawling. Yes you’re scared, but the tears you’re crying are not from stress anymore, they’re there because you’re happy.

The day seemed brighter, the air was cheerful and the sun that hits your skin feels warmer. You looked into the mirror and you saw something you haven’t seen in a while, there is hope in your eyes.

“That's right. Let's make a difference today.” You cheered yourself and changed your clothes to something comfortable, you put the stick inside your pocket and drove down to Johnny's dorm.

You parked your car in front of NCT’s dorm building and as you walked towards the entrance, you noticed people looking at you. You thought there was something on your face so took your phone out to check but instead you saw a few dozen texts and missed calls. Some are from your colleagues, some are from NCT members and some are from your family abroad. You didn't read the texts one by one but you scanned through them.

“Is it true you're dating Johnny Suh from NCT?”

“Hey, you're on the news this morning!”

“Why didn't you tell me you're dating Johnny Suh! I so wanted to go to their concerts.”

Your hands are shaking and you feel like you've been dumped by cold water. 

You read the most recent text. It was from Taeyong. 

“Y/n are you doing okay? Do you want me to drop by your house? Don't read any articles please, it's not good for you and the baby.” 

You didn't listen and went to read the articles anyways. It says there that you've been dating for 2 years now and was caught having an intimate dinner date 4 weeks ago. 

You started wondering how they'd know? There's a picture of you and Johnny at the restaurant smiling to your heart's content and another one where Johnny was kissing your hand after reading his letter to you. 

Suddenly all the eyes on you felt different. It feels like a piercing stare that could hurt you. You ran inside the building. You couldn't get to the elevators so you went to the stairs. You ran up to the 5th floor, you feel yourself catching your breath. You knocked so hard at their door you’re certain that the neighbors heard them but you didn’t care. 

Haechan opened the door and you can see the shocked look on his face. “Y/n what are you doing here?” He asked you but you walked past him. 

Tears are threatening to fall again but you stood your ground. No more crying. You have to be strong, you can't be weak, not right now. 

“Where’s Johnny?” You said loudly. Doyoung and Taeyong heard you and came out from the kitchen. 

“Y/n?” Taeyong called your name. You looked at him and asked him,

“Where’s he?” 

He didn’t answer but Doyoung pointed at the room at the end of the hallway. You walk to it and sighed before you knocked. 

“Johnny.” You called out his name with authority. 

Johnny on the other side of the door is facing what seems to be the biggest challenge of his career. Pictures have been leaked, he is reading tweets from fans and they're not taking the news very well. His company postponed his solo debut and they're deciding whether or not they'll put him on indefinite hiatus. He’s so overwhelmed and so mad at everyone. 

When he heard you knock and heard your voice calling him, his blood boiled. This is all because of you. All his hard work to get where he is now went down the drain because of you.

Johnny opened the door. It felt like years since the last time he saw you. Your beautiful face, your kissable lips, your kind eyes. He can still see your beauty, but he can't feel anything other than anger towards you. You came in and closed the door behind you.

You can see a lot of emotions in his eyes right now but love isn’t present. Seeing him for the first time after a month brings back all the pain. Memories of you alone begging him to come home went gushing in like a tsunami. You never imagined that one day your relationship will turn out this way. Tears are already at bay.

“This is your fault.” He mumbled to himself, he knew you heard it loud and clear. One hand on his waist, the other gripping his hair. You couldn't believe what Johnny just said. You clenched your fist on your chest and tears began to escape as you tried to convince yourself that he’s just mad, he didn't mean that. 

“Johnny, please don't say tha-” Johnny threw his bedside lamp at the wall, the lamp shattering made a huge noise. You had your back against the wall and Johnny is on the other side of the room. You cannot hide the fear you are feeling right now, shaking that he might not satisfy his anger and resort to hurting you.

“I SAID THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” He threw another object that his hand touched. It made an even louder noise, you know the members outside could hear Johnny screaming and blaming you, but you didn't care because you're blaming yourself too. 

“I'm sorry.” You started crying. “I'm truly sorry Johnny, but please we need to talk.” You walked up to him attempting to calm him down by touching his arms. You don't know anymore how to get his attention. You don't even know why you're still trying to tell him that you're pregnant at this point.

“YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING BURDEN Y/N! A fucking burden! I don't want to see your fucking face ever again! Fucking shit! I've been working on my career for years y/n! YEARS! And all gone because of you! You're fucking selfish, you only think of yourself! HOW ABOUT ME?! You’re ignorant, selfish and jealous! I don't even know why I fell in love with you! I regret talking to you at that stupid old coffee shop! When I first left Canada, I should've ended things right there and then! I didn't know any better then but now? Now I do. I know you're a fucking worthless piece of shit that I wasted my life on.” 

Ears ringing, you slapped Johnny so hard you brought him back to his senses. You couldn't talk, you were crying so hard that even breathing is hard for you to do. You let Johnny’s hateful words sink in, you soaked up all he said and it's now drowning you. 

You have been wanting to hear something from him, but not this. Not like this. Not those words.

Johnny couldn't believe he just said all that. He stared at you and watched you catch your breath. He tried walking closer to you, wanting to help you breathe, but you stepped back and slapped him harder. You couldn't get a word out of all the crying, you hate this Johnny in front of you so much all you can do is slap him. 

Both of you didn't notice that Taeyong and Haechan had been knocking on the door quite loudly. Doyoung took out an emergency spare key and opened the door. Taeyong saw you clenching your chest, crying and couldn't breathe. He ran towards you, held you by your shoulders and took you away from that room, away from Johnny. 

Johnny looked at the door you went out from. Haechan tried talking to him but he couldn't comprehend what he's saying. He snapped and hurt you. Minutes ago he was mad at you but now all his anger is towards himself. 

Taeyong drove you away from the dorm. The media has been tipped off that you went to NCT’s dorm and there are a lot of people outside the building, waiting by your car. He borrowed their manager’s car, sneaked you out from the back building and drove you home. 

He was quiet the entire drive, the car was filled with the sound of you sobbing. You're sick and tired of crying. All you did for the past weeks was cry, but no matter how much effort you put to stop crying, you just can't. 

“WHY CAN’T I FUCKING STOP CRYING!!” You screamed. “I’m always fucking cry! I'm sick of this! I'm tired of looking like a fucking fool! I JUST WANT ALL OF THIS TO STOP!” 

He didn't tell you to calm down. Instead, just like what he always does he held your hand and squeezed it tightly. “Let it all out.” He said.

“I want to leave Taeyong.” You sobbed. Taeyong thought you just wanted to unwind, but no. As soon as you got back to your apartment, he saw you took your passport and put it in your pocket, you took your suitcases out and hurriedly packed your things. 

You know you're packing your clothes like an animal, but you don't care anymore. Your hands are shaking and your eyes are blurry from the tears. Without a word, Taeyong held you by your shoulders and sat you down on your bed. He looked you into your eyes and cupped your face as he wiped your tears away. 

He took the clothes your holding from your hands and folded them neatly before refolding everything you’ve already put in your suitcase. Even though he disagrees with this, he’s still helping you pack your things. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Taeyong asked you with concern in his voice.

You nodded even though you know he couldn’t see you. “Yes.” You whispered.

“You know that you don't have to do this alone y/n, right? I'm here for you.” Taeyong wanted to offer himself. You need someone to lean on and he’s willing to give that to you. He is willing to go the distance for you and your baby. He wanted to present himself to you, but he knows all too well that it will not help you in any way and will only complicate things

“I know Taeyong and I'm grateful for you but I need to leave. I need to get away from everyone and everything.” 

Your head is starting to hurt because of all the crying you did, but the pain in your heart is overshadowing it. Taeyong could only nod, who is he to stop you from leaving? Considering everything you’re going through he cannot blame you for wanting to escape.

You only took the things you bought for yourself and left all the things Johnny gave you. Your heart is heavy, but you know you have to do this. You have to think of your baby from now on and not just yourself.

Taeyong offered you a ride to the airport and is now waiting for you in the car downstairs, you took a glance at the apartment that has been your home. You can't believe your relationship with Johnny will end up like this. You saw the love letter that Johnny wrote you by the shelf. You read it once more and wrote your own message at the back of it and left it on the table for him to see. 

The stick in your pocket felt heavier, you don’t know if Johnny deserves to know about the baby. You were thinking of leaving the stick with the letter you wrote, but after what he did and what he said it left you wondering... Do you really need him? 

You took out the stick and looked at the two tiny lines. No, you’re no longer alone and you will never be alone again. You thought of your family back in Canada, they will be by your side every step of the way. You don’t need Johnny.

You teared as you smiled, you decided to move on with your life. In hopes that Johnny will also be able to live his life the way he wanted... As an idol. When you think of it, he was never yours anyway. He belonged under the spotlight. He is destined to perform. He belonged to the fans to love. 

Maybe he’s right. Maybe you are a burden to him, hindering him from reaching his dreams. 

Without any second thoughts you put the stick back in your pocket, left your apartment and didn’t look back. 

Taeyong helped you to disguise yourself before he let you leave the car. He put his hood then mask on and took your suitcase out from the trunk. You thanked Taeyong for all his help and asked him not to tell anyone about everything he knows which he promised he'll never tell a soul, but Taeyong did ask for something in return. 

He asked you to please stay in touch with him. All you could do is smile and nod at him before leaving him with a tight hug. Taeyong memorized the feeling of your hug, his heart is at ease and happy knowing that you’ll be reunited with your family soon.

You took a very deep breath before boarding the plane, leaving behind a big piece of your heart with Johnny. 

Taeil visited Johnny in his room right after you left and as soon as he saw Johnny sitting by his bed, he opened his arms to him. Johnny accepted Taeil’s embrace and cried on his shoulder, bending his neck low. Everyone tried to talk to Johnny but he answered to no one but Taeil.

“Johnny, you know that none of this is y/n’s fault. You are just mad that you cannot freely love the person you want to love and it's okay to get mad, your feelings are valid because it is frustrating. What’s not okay is to blame it all on her. Both of you went to that date, both of you wanted that date to happen.”

Johnny shook his head to disagree even though he knew all too well that Taeil’s right. His emotions were still high and to get down from it so suddenly will make him look like a fool. Even at this moment he still chooses to protect his pride.

“She needs you more than anyone right now. She is going through the same thing as you and no matter how much you deny it, you need her too. This situation only have two choices and the ball’s in your court.” He tapped Johnny’s shoulder as he got up from his seat. “You're a big boy now, Johnny. Think.” 

Taeil left him alone to think. Johnny needed time alone, he had to reflect on the things he said and did. 

He realized how much he fucked up. He knew he crossed the line and he knew he hurt you but his pride and his anger stopped him from running after you. He needed time to compose and calm himself down and thought you needed time for yourself too. As much as his heart tells him to go home to you as quickly as possible, his head tells him to stay at the dorm for one more night and he did. But Johnny didn’t even have the slightest clue that you left, he just assumed that you went home and cried as usual. 

The day ended quickly. Johnny’s phone was confiscated by Doyoung so he wouldn’t look at any more of the hateful things that the “fans” have to say. The other members from Dream and WayV were so worried for him and came to visit him but he didn’t meet anyone, he just stayed in his room alone. He doesn't have enough courage to face them, he already stained the name of their group. Why would they want to check on him still? 

Johnny did not get a wink of sleep. It is not new to him to not be able to sleep since the night he moved out of your apartment. 

But tonight is different, for the first time after a month, he thought of you. He remembered how you smiled at him, how warm you made him feel, how you hugged him behind his back, how you always cuddled him, he tried remembering how your hand fits perfectly to his. He tried remembering your voice when you tell him you love him, he smiled reliving his happy days with you. But whenever he closes his eyes, all he can see is how painful your eyes the last time he looked at them and how much disappointment they held. He saw how tears fell from your eyes, and how your whole body shook from anxiety. 

The sun was barely up when Johnny decided to go home to you. His career wouldn’t mean anything without you by his side anyway. His mind is set on fixing his relationship with you. He realized that it’s easier to fight this mess together than alone. He finally accepted the truth that he needed you more than you needed him.

With a duffle bag on his shoulder, he sneakily left his bedroom and was about to go out when he saw Taeyong drinking coffee alone at the dining table. Taeyong looked up at him and glanced at the heavy duffle bag Johnny was carrying. 

“Awake already?” Johnny asked. 

“Didn't sleep. Moving out?”

“No. Going home.”

‘Home? Too late.’ he thought. Taeyong tried so hard not to scoff. “Okay. See you around then.” He bid Johnny goodbye and went to his room. 

Johnny was thinking of things to say to you. He wanted to explain everything to you without making it sound like he's blaming you. There's a lot of ways he thought he could explain himself, but all of them start and end with an apology. Right now, what only matters is to ask your forgiveness and he would beg for it if he has to.

“Stop giving out useless reasons Johnny. You’re wrong, just apologize to her as if your life depended on it.” He talked to himself.

Johnny nervously stood by the door of the apartment both of you once shared. He wanted to ring the bell but he thought you might still be asleep so instead, he pulled out his key from his pocket and opened the door with it. He missed the smell of the apartment, the smell of your lavender candle welcomed him home. The place looks the same, the kitchen’s clean and the living room is tidy. He went straight to your bedroom and slowly opened the door, careful not to wake you. 

He thought he was hallucinating but you weren't there. The bed is empty. The bed is made as if it had never been slept on. His mind is racing, he’s trying to calm himself down but everything he thought of leads to one horrifying end. He didn't want to believe it. With shaking hands he walked quickly to the closet and that confirmed everything. 

Your clothes are gone. He looked at your bedside table, a picture of your family used to be there but now it's gone. The jewelry Johnny gave you is still there, the only ones that are missing are the ones that your brother and mother gave you. 

He went out of the bedroom and went straight to the living room. The books you owned aren't on the shelves anymore. The vinyls that you collected are gone. He looked around the apartment and he saw the letter he wrote for you on the kitchen table, he picked it up and saw that something new was written on it.

“I’m sorry if I ever kept you locked up and held you back, but here I am giving you what you deserve, this is me supporting you. I still wish for your success, Johnny. Reach your dreams.” 

Suddenly the apartment felt dark, cold and empty. Just like his chest, it felt like his heart was ripped out open. He was too late and the blame is all his. Regrets do always come in the end. Johnny sat down at the table and stared at your handwritten letter for what seemed like forever. 

AN: There will be a sequel for this and if you want to be added on the taglist please let me know!

A silent cry slips past your lips, eyes clenching in exhaustion. It seemed as if every professor you had decided to band together and release last-minute requirements before your exams. It would’ve helped if they lessened the load for the actual tests, but the world was so kind and decided that every class was going to have cover-to-cover tests.

The pounding ache in your head does little to calm down your already jittery nerves. With only caffeine and lo-fi music as your companions these past few days, the state of your health is surely something that can be questioned. The semester could not come to an end any sooner.

Was it too late to drop out? In your final year, perhaps it was. But it was never too late to cry. Crying will always alleviate the stress, if only for a few moments.

---

“You look like shit,” you hear a voice say just as you step out of your room. Your roommate Ten stands from the bathroom door, a towel wrapped loosely around his waist, his tattoos - and nearly everything else - out for your eyes to see.

“Ten,” you groan, leaning your forehead against the wall as you clench your eyes shut. “Can you talk to me when you have clothes on?”

“You’re acting as if you haven’t seen me like this before,” his smug tone catches you off guard. Far too tired to protest, your feet take you to the kitchen but your friend trails behind you either way. “Come on, I was joking around. Let loose a little bit,” he lightly says.

Turning around to face his bare torso again, you let out a sigh. Pinching the bridge of your nose, you maneuver around the kitchen, gathering whatever snacks you could find before heading to the library. The headache persists against your temples - just as it has been for the past week. “Glad to know I’m the only one stressing over finals.”

“Don’t say I didn’t tell you not to take Mr. Kim’s class. What were you thinking about taking up a mechanical engineering elective?”

“I thought it was cool, okay,” you reply tiredly. “I wasn’t expecting it to be so - advanced!” Ten simply watches you wave your hands around as you attempted to justify your past self’s decision, body slightly inclined against the refrigerator. “Besides, you’ve seen him. He’s pretty young and cute and I just thought - you know, that it’d be fun to listen to a cute teacher for once -”

“Darling,” he starts smoothly, “It’s fun to fool around with a teacher after class hours, not watch him from afar while you struggle quietly in the back of his classroom.” Your eyes flicker up at him and he’s already smirking down at you when your tired eyes meet his mischievous ones. “I personally think it’s too late for you to get an A in his class, but to engage in other activities -”

“Ten! We’re not having this conversation,” you interrupt, already covering your ears. He simply laughs, coming closer to wrap his lithe fingers around your wrists, bringing your arms back to your side. Opening up one eye, you’re met with his soft gaze and your fatigued mind can barely handle the way he stares down at you.

It had been four years since you spotted his flyer on one of the university announcement boards. Desperate for a place to stay that preferably wasn’t a commute away from campus, you took the chance to dorm in with a complete stranger. Luckily for you, that stranger became a close friend rather quickly. Nowadays, it seemed as if he was much more than just a friend.

Ever since a year ago, the two of you had been tip-toeing along a very fine line between friendship and something much more. But while Ten was quite open in his interest towards you, for some odd reason, the signs would just zip over your head or you’d find some nonsensical excuse for his antics.

Knowing and living with him for years, the two of you had basically become accustomed to each other’s company. He wasn’t flirting with you, why would he? You two were just friends. Just friends.

“Babes?”

Just friends who also exchange pet names, apparently.

You hum at him, tilting your chin ever so slightly to match his stare. “I was serious when I said you looked like shit.”

All of the sudden, any tiredness or questioning over his motives disappear. You push him off of you, his skin still damp from his shower. “Thank you. You make me feel so special,” you jokingly sneer at him.

“What time did you sleep?” he continued, “I could've sworn I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and your lights were still on.”

“Don't worry about that, I'm fine,” you insist, still searching for food in the cabinets. “After this week, I'm gonna get so much rest you'll barely see me out of bed.”

“That's not exactly the answer I'm looking for, but okay.” Grabbing the rest of your things, you quickly make your way to your door, wanting to find a spot in the library before more students fill in the seats.

On the table by the door sits an array of bowls for anything you or Ten need to remember just as you exit your shared apartment. Keys, wallets, IDs, even mail or bills. But a familiar pink shade sticks out against the white envelopes around it. Your name is written in plain print.

“Ten?” you call out. “Do you know who left this?”

He looks at you with furrowed eyebrows, taking in the image of the brightly colored paper between your fingers. “No, I didn't even notice that it was in our mailbox.”

Without even flipping it open, you already knew the contents of the mysterious letter. This was the ninth letter you'd received in the past month, all other eight hidden deep in your drawer with love poems written neatly onto the page (sometimes pages) of the letter.

Strange was a little too light of a term to describe the series of letters that had found their way to you whether it was left between your textbook pages or inside your bag.

Now, it was your apartment mailbox. You weren't sure if you wanted to commend this person for being so adamant about getting your attention or creeped out. Ten stood silently, watching you closely as you finally opened and read through its contents.

Little one,

A shiver passes over you.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish to bask in the sweetness of your smile,

I wonder what it feels like to be loved by your warm eyes.

To feel you against my skin, chest to chest, heart to heart is my biggest wish,

To lose you to anyone else - my biggest fear.

You don't know how it pains me to see you day by day, oblivious to my love.

Maybe my blind optimism is to blame,

For I can only but hide in the shadows, never to be seen or loved by you.

One day, I hope that to change.

Cold are the nights I wish you to be by my side,

Warm are the days I dream that you are finally mine.

I only hope those days are no longer dreams,

But a reality that I will strive to remain our reality.

Like always, the mysterious author signs the letter with their usual signature.

Longingly,

Your heart’s caretaker.

“You never told me you had an admirer,” Ten’s voice breaks the silence. His tone is tight, lips pressed in a thin line. Quickly, you tuck the poem into your bag.

“I don't,” you let out a sigh, grabbing at your keys and wallet. “I think someone's just messing with me.”

“Come on,” he says, almost successfully hiding the bitterness in his voice. You catch on but brush it aside, not wanting to assume. “Someone like you has got to have a random person pining over them.”

All you can do is let out a short, awkward laugh. “It's nothing, I bet whoever is playing with me will stop once they realize I'm not falling for this.”

But Ten isn't too convinced, only offering you a dubious nod. Your friend’s sudden change in demeanor does little to calm the nerves that have already built up in you with the letters and finals, but you decide not to press him any further.

“I'll see you for lunch later?” Ten asks, waiting patiently for your answer. His eyes are casted downwards and for a moment you want to reassure him that the letters don't mean anything but you stop yourself. It's not like you and him were anything to begin with.

“Sure,” you quip, haphazardly slipping your shoes on. “Do you want me to buy you anything?”

He looks around momentarily, sneaking a look over at your bag with the thought of the letter still in his head. “No,” he decides to say quietly. “I'm good.”

Before you could even reply, he already has his back towards you, walking into his room. The sigh you let out rings into the empty room, the ache in your head just getting worse now that you have to deal with Ten’s attitude.

“Thanks a lot, Mr. Caretaker.”

---

Nine hours, four large cups of coffee, and enough highlighter ink fumes to get anyone high later, you find yourself back in your apartment. Your feet are heavy, practically stomping harshly onto the thin wooden panels below you.

Minutes ago you awoke to a small puddle of drool pooled on your notebook having suddenly fallen asleep while studying. You're half sure stars spin behind your eyes, the other half of you feels like you were in a dream.

Your vision is blurred, shoulders heavy, and an overwhelming wave of fatigue casts over your entire being as you finally push your way into your apartment. Ten stands in the kitchen, a sympathetic look in his eyes as he stirs at the pot below him.

“You didn't make it back for lunch,” he comments upon seeing you.

Your keys clang harshly against the ceramic bowl, feet barely lifting up as you take off your shoes. Sleep. You needed sleep.

“Are you okay?” you hear Ten say. Was it Ten? You weren't sure, it was all becoming hazy.

But your roommate notices the glazed look over your eyes and makes his way towards you, grabbing onto your shoulders. His eyes widen as you slump against him, the unusual warmth of your forehead sending him into a panic. Ten places a hand against your skin, taken aback by the heat bouncing off your body before he quickly takes off your jacket. “Jesus! You're burning up.”

You barely let out a hum, still leaning against his chest. “Hey, hey. Stay awake.” His voice echoes into your ears, just faint enough for you to register before you go completely limp in his arms as your roommate immediately hoists you into his arms, grabs his car keys, and exits your apartment.

---

“We’re gonna have to keep you in for a week, maximum.”

‘What? No.” Your protests are met with a stern gaze from the doctor across from you, unrelenting as she insists without even uttering a word. “I have exams coming up -”

“And you can tell your professors about it, but right now you’re fatigued, dehydrated and we need to monitor you for the next few days to make sure you’re okay because you’ve got a case of fatigue far too bad for us to just let you go.” She barely lets you start talking before exiting the room, leaving you to stare off at her disappearing figure.

Slumping against your pillow, you let out a pathetic sigh. This couldn't possibly get any worse. Wallowing in your predicament, you barely sense the pair of eyes looking over at you with a mixture of amusement and pity. “I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

“Hey!” Ten protests, arms lifted up in mock defeat. “I didn’t even talk.” “You don’t need to say anything,” you murmur, lifting your head to look at him through squinted eyes. “I can feel it.”

“This isn’t exactly the ‘you’re welcome’ I was expecting for bringing you here, but I’ll take it,” he counters with a small smile that makes an equally minute one appear on your lips.

Ten suddenly makes his way towards you, taking your limp hand in his. His warm hand contrasts starkly with your shivering one covered in tubes and medical tape. “All jokes aside, you should really think twice about the electives you take before signing up for classes. No cute professor is worth a hospital bill.”

“God, I really hate you sometimes.” You retract your hand from his in mock disgust, curling away from him. In classic Ten fashion, all he does is smirk as he makes his way out your room.

“I’ll grab some of your clothes and come back as soon as I can,” he sing-songs. Just as he’s about to leave, he looks pointedly at you, raising a finger to your direction. “Don’t go anywhere!”

“Don’t steal from my underwear drawer, you perv!” you joke back.

“If I find anything other than garments in your closet, I’ll never let you live it down,” a mischievous glint sparkles in his eyes as he says this.

“Too bad that’s not happening,” you retort, poking your tongue out at him, his face disappearing just as he matches your childish response.

---

For the first time in a long time, you’re succumbing to a deep slumber well before the clock struck 1 A.M. and with the quiet pitter patters of footsteps outside of your dimly lit room it was easy to let your eyes drift closed.

Sleep. Sweet sleep. Glorious sleep. Only a few more moments before -

“Good evening. I’m here to check on you.”

The voice pierces through the quiet, light from outside seeping into your room and casting a harsh glow against your face. It takes everything in you not to cry out in frustration. What’s a person gotta do to just get some sleep?

“Can this be quick? I really just want to sleep,” you try your best to hide the annoyance in your tone, but the masked healthcare worker seems unfazed, going about his business as if he hadn’t just interrupted you.

“Sorry to spoil the fun for you, but this is gonna be a daily thing,” he replies sympathetically. Flicking the lights on, the man barely looks your way as he checks your vitals. Eyebrows furrowed, you tiredly looked up at him, waiting for him to start up a conversation amidst the silence.

When the silence becomes too awkward, your sleep-deprived brain decides to do the one thing you’d usually never do on a normal day. Small talk.

“So,” you start, “lovely evening we have.” He simply glances at you with an eyebrow raised and you swear you can make out an outline of a smirk from underneath his mask.

“Maybe you’re much more fatigued than we thought because I’m sure no person would call a night at the hospital lovely.” His deep voice takes you aback.

“It isn’t lovely, I was just hoping you’d join me in my sorry excuse of a conversation.”

A low laugh bubbles from his chest at that, eyes now fully on you. As if a thin hospital dress wasn’t making you feel vulnerable enough, you’re sure if he stared at you for another second longer you’d cower into yourself.

But when he lifts a hand to take a mask off, giving you a pretty well lit view of his face, you’re positive you could just cower into yourself.

“If you wanted to talk to me, you could’ve just said so,” he says with the faintest hint of a smirk on his lips. “I’m Kun and I’ll be your attending nurse until you get discharged.”

It wasn’t the sleepiness. Definitely not the morphine. Definitely not the lingering buzz from the coffee you’d consumed hours ago. But it was the fact that Kun was the most attractive nurse you’d ever laid eyes on that made your jaw hinge open and close as you struggled to form a sentence coherent enough to understand.

“I’m...my head and sleep...and then I just...so, I’m here - Gosh,” you giggle, barely understanding what you were saying. “I’m rambling,” you finally say, shutting your mouth lest you want to embarrass yourself any further.

“You are,” he confirms, coming closer to your bed. Lifting an arm up, he throws his limb across your chest, reaching out for the entangled tubes by your side. His chest is so close to your face that you hold your breath, afraid that the gasps of air would tickle his neck.

“You’re allowed to breathe, you know that right?” he smugly comments as he straightens himself back up.

“I was breathing,” you whisper, heat already starting to travel up your neck and ears.

Kun isn’t sure whether to laugh at you or reassure you, either way he found the effort to cover up your flustered state endearing. “Can you lift your hand up for me?”

Without even thinking about it, your arm raises and Kun catches your cold hand in his. He grabs an oximeter from his pocket, clamping it down on your finger. But he doesn’t let go, even smoothing his thumb over the skin of your hand as he waits for your vitals to appear on the screen of the tiny machine.

As his finger continues to glide across the back of your hand, you feel the warmth from your stomach travel across your body, to the tips of your fingers and toes. The thumping of your heart against your chest rings in your ears and maybe if Kun were only a few inches closer, he’d hear the rapid rhythm instead of the beeping from the oximeter.

“You good?” he asks, bringing you down from the clouds.

Blinking up at him, you open your mouth but no words escape as you rack your mind for a comeback witty enough to leave him at a loss for words just as he did with you. “I am,” you finally let out.

“Are you nervous around me?” He was so blatant, so unapologetic. It only made your cheeks heat up even more.

“No -”

“Huh,” he lets out smugly, looking intently at the beeping oximeter on your hand. “Your heart rate’s at 112 - a bit unusual for someone just laying in bed.” The implication behind his words don't fly over your head. Smirking, he looks back down at you, a glint in his eyes. “The numbers don’t lie.”

Just as you're about to open your mouth and save whatever sense of dignity you had left, another figure enters your room, a large bag placed over their shoulders. “You're lucky I couldn't find your secret stash of special toys in your closet -”

Ten shuts his mouth at the realization that you had company. He looks over at you, then at Kun, then at your hands. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Kun says nonchalantly, his playful behavior now masked by an air of professionalism. “You must be the patient’s boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you cut in awkwardly. “This is my roommate.” Ten flashes him a tight-lipped smile. His eyes flitter to you before looking back down at the hand Kun was still holding. Quickly, you pull back.

“Ten, you can just place my stuff over there,” you instruct, gesturing towards the bench in front of you. Your friend maneuvers around the room, eyes never leaving Kun regardless of the nurse’s reassuring smile.

The nurse looks between the two of you, sensing the shift in the air and deciding it was time to leave the room. “Thank you for your time, I’ll be back in the morning for the same thing.”

He briefly spares your friend another glance before making it out of the room, leaving you alone with Ten, who hasn’t spoken since taking his place on a chair by your bed.

“Thank you,” you say cautiously, eyeing the man who sits motionless by your side. A nod is all he offers you, fingers placed gently by his chin. “I’m glad you didn’t find anything else in my closet,” you add, trying to lighten the mood. If the comment did anything, he doesn’t show it.

“He’s real handsome, isn’t he?” Ten finally says, but there’s no amusement in his tone.

“Yeah, I guess.”

It was strange how Ten was acting. He wasn’t the type to be sulking or silent; his sharp tongue always ready with a witty comeback or a hilarious joke. But now it seemed as if silence was the only thing he could offer you, save for the occasional side glance. Looking down at his phone to check the time, he gets to his feet and makes his way to your side.

“I should probably head home, I still have classes tomorrow.”

“Okay,” you say with a minute smile. “Did you at least bring my textbooks?”

“You and studying,” he says, smiling genuinely for the first time since arriving. “I did. Your laptop’s in the bag too in case you need it.”

“You’re such an angel,” you say jokingly, taking a hold of his arm and hugging it to your side.

“Need I remind you, your doctor clearly told you to rest for the next week?”

“I know, but a little reviewing won’t hurt right?” you reassure. “Plus, what else am I supposed to do when I’m bored and you’re not here to keep me company?”

“Be excited for when I’m free to come back here?” He grins as you playfully push him to the side.

“You’re so full of yourself!”

“Thank you,” he jokes back, leaning down to land a kiss on the crown of your head. “I’ll be back tomorrow so you don’t bore yourself to insanity.”

“Okay,” you whisper, your bottom lip tucked between your teeth. He looks at you one last time before moving towards the exit, waving goodbye and flicking the lights off.

---

You weren’t sure what else you were expecting from typical hospital food, but bland was definitely on the list of possibilities. You couldn’t really protest either, knowing damn well that if it weren’t for your poor food choices and sleeping schedules in the past few weeks, you wouldn’t even be in this situation.

“Can’t you guys add just a little more seasoning to your meals?”

Kun lifts an eyebrow, laughing at your obvious distaste for the food he’d just delivered to you. “I’m a nurse, not a chef. The least of my worries is if the food would have Gordon Ramsey fall to his knees.”

“Oh, I’m sure this would have Gordon on his knees,” you start, toying with the vegetables below you. “If only to pray you’ll be enlightened by the wonder that is salt and pepper.”

Kun lets out a loud laugh, far too amused to focus on checking on your vitals again. You join him as he eyes crinkle shut, nose scrunching, struggling to compose himself. You’ve clearly caught him off guard and the handsome nurse does very little to conceal that.

It had been a few days since you got admitted to the hospital and it would be a lie to say that the best part of being bedridden wasn’t the dashing and charming nurse standing in front of you. He’d kept you company in the few minutes he was afforded to check up on you or deliver your food; slowly, the two of you fell into smoother conversations about work, school, and each other.

Call it crazy, but you guess this was a silver lining to the otherwise depressing situation you had found yourself in.

But no matter how much the young nurse liked to sweep you off your feet and make your tummy tumble, the thought of missing out in school was still there to ignite a bubble of anxiety in you. You guess that’s why you hadn’t fully recovered, feeling the same level of tiredness and fatigue, if not stronger, despite the days of trying to recover.

“If you think any harder, your brain might spill out of your ears.” Kun’s voice cuts through your train of thought. He offers you a sympathetic smile.

“Sorry, I’m just really drained.”

“Which is why you should eat more,” he retorts, bringing a spoonful up to your lips. You look at him incredulously.

“Is this part of your job description?” you joke, leaning forward and allowing him to feed you.

“Not really, but you can’t blame me for wanting to take care of someone so adorable.”

That was definitely not part of the description.

Kun frowns at your silence, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, that was really unprofessional.”

“Just...caught me off guard, that’s all,” you reassure. He’s about to open his mouth when the faint sound of footsteps and voices come closer and closer to your room. Kun surprisingly straightens up, smiles at you before putting the mask back on his face.

“I’ll come back in a bit for your tray,” he says in a breath, not letting you reply before exiting the room. Moments later, your doctor comes in.

“Good afternoon,” your doctor greets, grabbing the clipboard from the foot of your bed. “How have you been?”

“Okay, I guess,” you reply, fumbling with your IV cord. “Still tired and all.”

She hums contemplatively at your answer, skimming through your charts. “Your blood pressure is still pretty low even if we’ve been medicating you for the past few days,” she comments, forehead furrowed. “You might need to stay for a little longer just so we can make sure.”

“But, I can’t...I’m already gonna miss a week -” you start to protest, sitting up.

“And we understand that,” she interrupts, looking at you with a tight smile. “But we need to make sure you’re doing well. We don't want any more complications arising from this, okay?”

You slump in defeat, looking over at the clock on your wall. What was supposed to be your first exam had just started.

“Fine.”

---

Playing the roles of student, best friend, and unofficial caretaker to you was something Ten didn’t imagine taking on, but if it meant a speedy recovery for you - and a speedy goodbye from a certain male nurse - he’s willing to put up with it with a smile on his face.

It was fairly late into the night, but Ten still wanted to check up on you. Making his way through the hallway to your room, another attending nurse spots him.

“Excuse me, Sir!” she calls out, a kind smile on her face. “I’m sorry, but visiting hours have already ended. You can come back tomorrow morning.”

He pauses in place, smiling awkwardly to himself before nodding and making his way back where he came when he spots a familiar mop of dark hair hidden in a corner.

Kun is too busy with whatever he’s dealing with to notice Ten make his way towards him. When the nurse senses company, he’s quick to put on his face mask and face Ten with wide eyes.

“Hey,” Kun says coolly, hands shoved in his pocket.

“Hello,” Ten replies just as flatly. The two stare off, not quite sure what to say to each other.

As much as Ten hated being that person, he couldn’t let go of the insistent feeling of doubt around Kun. He could admit that he hated being the type of person to judge someone based on mere intuition, but there was something in Kun’s aura that he couldn’t quite place.

“I was just headed to your friend’s room to bring their food,” the nurse says, breaking the silence.

“Oh,” Ten says without any emotion. “I was just wondering what you were doing here in this dark corner.”

“Nothing, nothing,” he reassures, fidgeting with his feet. Ten isn’t too convinced but he takes the excuse anyway.

“I was just headed to their room,” Ten starts, digging into his bag to grab some of your class notes, “but visiting hours are over, can you hand this to them?”

As Kun takes his hand out to grab the pieces of paper, a small bottle falls from inside his pocket. Distracted, Kun doesn’t notice Ten lean down to pick up the fallen object. Eyedrops.

“You dropped this,” Ten says, reaching out to Kun who offers him a small smile.

“Thanks,” Kun says, nodding subtly to Ten before making his way down the hall. Ten catches Kun’s form disappear into your room.

The rotten feeling in his stomach doesn’t go away.

---

“You weren’t kidding when you said that you’re really serious about your studies,” Kun laughs from the side, the usual green tray of hospital food in his hands.

“It’s not that my life revolves around my studies,” you defend, already falling into conversation with your newfound friend. “This class is just a pain in the ass.”

Kun shakes his head in amusement, laughing at the pout that had made its way to your lips.

Groaning in defeat, you set your pencil down, slamming your forehead against the pages of the textbook. A hand makes its way up your neck, weaving into your hair. Kun cooes at you in pity.

“It can’t be that bad,” he says sympathetically. You tilt your head up towards him, eyes tired and just about on the brink of giving up.

Turns out Kun isn’t just good at being a nurse, keeping you company, and making your stomach tumble around. He was also good at tutoring - if his prolonged visits to your room coupled with short study sessions meant anything.

You hoped the sorry excuse for puppy-dog eyes were enough to convince him to help you just one more time.

“It’s an engineering elective,” you admit. He crinkles his nose, showing off his gummy smile.

“You’re right, I can’t help you.”

“Come on, man!” you exclaim through a laugh. Kun settles on the chair beside your bed, a hand pressed against his chin as he leans in to look at you. Immediately, your laughter dies down, not knowing how to act when Kun is looking at you like that. “Are you just gonna stare at me or are you gonna try to help me?”

Gaze on your lap, he reaches over to take the engineering textbook out of your hands. Kun leans into you and lingers for just a moment longer than usual. The perfume emanating off his neck makes you go dizzy, the vanilla base note mixing with the citrus top note elegantly.

Damn you, Qian Kun and your perfume and perfect smile.

“Let’s make a deal,” he mumbles, flipping carelessly through the pages. “Once you’re discharged, I’ll see if I can squeeze some extra time to help you study.”

“That sounds too good to be true.”

“For free.”

“That is definitely too good to be true.”

“On one condition,” he butts in, raising a lone index finger in the air.

“There’s always a catch.” You playfully roll your eyes at him, yet your ears remain attentive towards his next words.

“I get to bring you out on a date.”

You could’ve sworn you could hear fireworks going off in your head. Qian Kun, the insanely attractive and sweet nurse who can take care of patients, help with philosophy homework, and whip up a pretty decent meal (now that you ran his ear off enough to convince him to add more seasoning to your food).

Maybe it was time to get over Ten. Maybe, just maybe, if he really was interested in you, he would’ve let you know by now. Just like what Kun was doing.

“Deal.”

---

“Dude, I swear I didn’t study shit for that exam,” Ten exclaims, rubbing his hands over his face in frustration. “Mr. Jeong is gonna fail me, I can feel it.”

“What was that you said about choosing classes properly before signing up for them?” you mumble playfully through a mouthful of food. Kun had just stopped by - and casually charmed you as always - just as Ten arrived.

For some reason, your roommate still hadn’t warmed up to the kind nurse, but you figured it didn’t matter much anymore. Besides, you were going to get discharged soon.

But your health hasn't been faring well. If anything, it seemed as if you were perpetually stuck in the same state you were in coming into the hospital, if not worse. The headaches and body pain had gone away with the modest doses of painkillers constantly given to you, but it did nothing to restore your energy.

You were weak, physically and mentally. And Ten had begun to notice. Your doctors couldn’t figure out much either and your insistent pleas to just be released finally forced them to give in and just hand you some prescriptions and strict instructions for when you’re finally out.

In the midst of your casual chatter with Ten, your stomach started to churn. You felt the contents of your belly rise up and frantically signalled to Ten. “I’m gonna throw up.”

He quickly gets to his feet, gently hooking your arms in his and escorting you to the bathroom. You two barely make it through the room when you launch yourself towards the sink, spewing out the meal you had just eaten. Ten watches, a hand to your back and a scowl on his face.

“Are you sure you wanna go home so early? You don’t seem well,” he reasons, worry starting to crease his eyebrows.

With fingers clenched tightly around the rim of the ceramic sink, you bury your head into the crevice. Your body continues to push out bile and unprocessed food until your sides ached and your throat went sore.

“Fuck,” you exclaim, tears starting to drip down your cheeks.

“Do you want me to call anyone?” Ten moves just an inch away from you before you reach out and desperately cling onto his wrists.

“No, please.” You gulp a deep breath in. “Please stay.”

“Just...just let it all out. Shit, I don’t know what to do.”

Whatever remnants of energy you had left completely left your body as you struggled against the sink. It wasn’t until minutes later that your stomach no longer convulsed were you able to reach out into your bag for anything to wipe your face.

But as you dig into the contents of your bag, your fingers graze over a smooth material you could’ve sworn wasn’t there before. Looking up, you grab at the strange object, pulling it out to reveal another pink letter. A wave of nausea washes over you once more.

“Ten,” you gasp, looking over your shoulder. “What is this?”

He turns to you, staring at the piece of paper in your hand without an ounce of recognition. You set yourself down onto the toilet bowl, desperately prying open the envelope and meeting the familiar handwriting for what seemed to be the nth time.

Little one,

Soon, we will be together

You only have to wait but a moment more.

Sooner or later,

We’ll meet and live the rest of our lives as one.

I can’t wait to finally have you as mine,

Permanent would be my smile.

Longingly,

Your heart’s caretaker

Staring at the note, familiarity washes over you. The handwriting - you’ve seen it before. But you didn’t want it to be true.

You drag your body out of the bathroom, Ten confusedly following you around. Grabbing at your notebooks, you hurriedly flip through its pages. You just wanted to know. You just wanted to make sure your mind wasn’t playing games with you.

Spotting the foreign handwriting on the pages of your notebook, you pause, bringing the note side-by-side. You struggle to gulp in air, Ten looming over you.

The handwriting on the letter. Kun’s handwriting. They were the same.

Weakly crumpling the letter in your fist, you quickly shove it into the trash bin before looking up at Ten.

“I wanna go home.”

​---

“We really advise you to stay just a few days longer for monitoring purposes -”

“I’m sorry, but I just really want to go home.”

Your doctor sighed out, looking down at the out-patient form laid down for you. Under the fluorescent lights, your skin glowed with a sickly tinge.

Ten stood by you, your belongings and bags clutched in one arm as the other was placed against your hip to keep you from toppling over from the fatigue. “Are you sure about this?” he asks quietly.

“If there are any complications in the next 24 hours, it’s strongly advised you come straight back to us.”

You nod your head, feet jittering below you. But before you leave, you just wanted to do one last thing. “Where’s Nurse Kun?”

The doctor lifts her eyes to you, quite puzzled by your question. “Who?”

“Nurse Kun,” you repeat, doubt lacing your voice. “The one who’s been watching me since I got here?”

Nothing.

“Listen, I just need to talk to him about something before I leave -”

“Sweetheart,” she says, continuing to look at you in confusion with her head tilted to the side, “we don’t have a Nurse Kun.”

---

The car ride home is tense with fear and anxiety. Every now and then, you would instinctively look back just to see if anyone was driving behind you. Each and every time, the road remained empty. It was much too late into the night and for some reason, the lights that lined the side of the drive were much dimmer than usual.

If this was some sick psychotic episode, you swore that you would do everything you could to prevent this from happening again once it’s over.

“Stop shaking your leg like that, you’re making me nervous,” Ten says tensely from the driver’s seat, hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel. “I can’t believe some weirdo was acting like a nurse in that hospital. I told you he was creepy.”

“Just drive, Ten. I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”

“You and I both, but we really can’t ignore that giant fucking elephant in the room, can we now?”

“Jesus, we can talk about it when we get home.” He shuts up, eyes straight on the road. Just as the two of you were about to reach the open, well-lit highway, his car started to rumble.

“What the hell?” he exclaims, trying his luck as he moves the gearshift around. But as the vehicle came to a stop and the engine quieted down, it was safe to say the prospect of coming home wasn’t something happening soon. “Shit, stay here.”

“Not like I can go anywhere else,” you bite back, leaning your head against the headrest.

Ten makes his way to the hood of the car, lifting it up quickly with a flashlight held in his other hand. He was no expert at vehicles, but he was around 90% sure that his engine was completely fine. Just as he’s about to shut the hood, his nose catches a whiff of the infamous odor of gasoline.

He crouches down, shining the flashlight against the bottom side of his car. Someone had drilled holes in his gas tank.

Shooting up immediately, he closes the hood and makes his way back to the driver’s seat.

“What happened?”

“We need to call for help,” he says ambiguously. But you immediately search for your phone, fingers shaking as you dial for the emergency number but with only one bar flashing on your phone, you’re met with the annoying beeping of the line.

“Damn it,” you curse, lifting your phone to the air to no avail. In the quiet, you can only hear the crumbling of pebbles under Ten’s feet as he paces anxiously, waiting for someone to answer his call. You barely make out the low rumble of an engine until the presence of another car catches your attention.

Looking back, you can faintly see the outline of another, much larger vehicle. Its headlights are off and you swear you can feel the bile start to rise up your throat once more.

“Ten,” you whimper, trying to catch your breath. But your friend is too engrossed in panic to hear you or notice the new company.

“Ten,” you repeat, just a few decibels louder.

He still doesn’t hear you.

“Ten!” you call out and he whips his head towards you.

“What?” he says sharply.

Lifting a shaking finger, you point to the car behind you. The driver now outside and staring right at you.

“Keep calling for someone,” your friend commands, reaching into his glove compartment for a gun.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” you hiss, grabbing onto his wrist.

“Relax, it’s a pellet gun!” he reasons out impatiently, shoving your hand aside. “We just need to scare him off.” You gawk at your friend, watching him back away as he slowly approaches the stranger with the fake gun tucked behind him.

“Hello, Sir,” Ten says. “Or Ma’am...we’re in a bit of a rut with our car.” He gestures to your still vehicle. The person remains motionless.

There’s a bitter taste in your mouth as the stranger moves his gaze from you to Ten. You don’t see their eyes, but you were moments away from just grabbing Ten and running as fast as you can.

Looking forward, you try to estimate the distance to the highway and see if the two of you can make it to the end in time. But the stranger has a car with a tank full of gas - you two were fucked over before their conversation even started.

“We were just wondering if you could help us out?” Ten continues.

Silence.

“Hey,” your friend calls out once more to the estranged person. “Are you even listening to me?” Ten lifts his flashlight, casting it onto the stranger and finally giving a face to the figure in front of you.

Kun. With a metal pipe by his side.

You scream. With the fear coursing through every fiber of your being, you barely register the screech that rips from your throat.

“Ten, it’s him!”

You’re too late. Kun is already moving quickly towards Ten, who staggers and falls to his feet before whipping out the pellet gun. But Kun is unfazed, lifting the rod and slamming it against Ten’s ankle.

The sound of metal on bone reverberates in your ears. There’s a crunch that echoes into the empty street, followed by Ten’s wail of pain.

In a panic, you search for anything in his car to protect you. To save Ten. But under the pile of used up fast food wrappers and spare gym clothes, you find nothing.

Kun delivers a blow to his other ankle. Ten screams into the night.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit,” you whimper, hopping onto the driver’s seat and turning on the ignition but no matter what you do, you’re only met with the meek rumbling of the dead engine. In the last feeble attempt to save your life, you shut the door, quickly locking it and backing away.

Moments later, Kun arrives. A smile is etched onto his face, but unlike his kind ones in the hospital, this one is dark. It’s cruel. It’s manic. He lifts a hand up, tapping the window.

“Open the door,” he commands slowly. You fervently shake your head, chest tight as you blubber and cry for your life. Instantly, you regret defying him as you watch his smile mold into a menacing scowl. He reaches down, tugging onto the door but when it doesn’t open, he steps back and walks away.

Shakingly, you move forward and look out onto the road. Ten stays limp, the forgotten flashlight casting a shadow over his body. As you catch a sight of his mangled feet, you bring a hand up to your mouth. His bone sticks out abnormally, the pool of blood only widening with every second.

A sharp sound from behind you shakes you out of your reverie. Looking back, you notice the cracks on the window and the series of following events happen too fast for you to even comprehend.

Kun lifts the rod again. He brings it down against the window with so much force your eardrums ring. The glass breaks, sprinkling all over you. Kun opens the door. He grabs your feet and pulls you out. You scream.

“Let me go!”

Using his strength, he swiftly pulls you out. Your body slams against the pavement, the air knocks out of you. The bright stars in the sky spin above you. Only them in their flurry of heat and light serve as witnesses to the blood Kun has shed.

He didn’t even kill Ten. He didn’t even kill you. He’s probably waiting to finish you two somewhere more private. He probably wants to take his sweet time pulling out every possible scream and cry from the two of you before ending your lives.

Amidst the lightheadedness, the ache in your body, and the wicked smile on Kun’s face, you’ve accepted it. You’ve accepted that Kun was going to kill you.

“Oh, little one,” he whispers, grabbing your still body and bringing your head to his nostrils. You hear him take a whiff of your scent, moaning out in pleasure. “My little one.”

His little one.

Your weak arms come up to push him off, but it’s futile. He’s too strong, grip tight around your body. “It was you,” you whisper, a sob escaping your lips. “It was you.”

He chuckles darkly, smoothing a hand down your back. “It was, I’m so happy that I don’t have to watch you from afar anymore. I’m here to take care of you.”

Kun pulls back slightly, lips pressed against your cheek. Another chuckle ripples through his chest, making cry out. “Your personal caretaker.”

---

A scent tingles against your nostrils and tongue. The pungent odor of decay brings you out of your slumber, eyes opening slightly. As you try to move your fingers, your hand glides over something moist and slick below you, but you’re unfazed - too disoriented to understand what was happening.

The room is dark save for the sliver of moonlight the peaks through the single window adjacent to the wall you were laying against. For a moment, you think you were just in a dream but the events of the last day all come back to you and you sit up quickly.

“Ten?” you desperately call out, coming to your knees and feeling for another body beside you. “Ten?”

Your knees nudge against something that lets out a small whimper. In a dazed state, you bring your hands up to feel around cloth and cold skin until your fingers graze over a nose. “Ten?” you repeat.

The body below you lets out another pained noise, its hand coming to clasp around your wrist. “It’s me,” Ten says weakly. “It’s me.”

Relief washes over you as you let out a gasp, leaning your forehead against his chest. The comfort doesn’t last long as the sound of the door swinging open echoes into the room, the lights coming to life above you.

“Oh, good. You’re awake.”

Cold. Cold all over. You wanted to be anywhere but here and you look down to see Ten’s pained expression, his feet just as bloody as they were when the two of you were on the side of the road, you prayed to God this was all just a bad dream.

“It’s rude not to look at someone while they’re talking to you.”

“Fuck you,” you curse through gritted teeth.

“That’s not a nice way to greet the person who’s been taking care of you for the past week.” His voice sounds much closer and you feel him loom over you and Ten. “Step away from him, love.”

Kun brings hand down to clutch at your bicep, attempting to pull you away from. But you don’t budge, staying in place as you cling onto Ten’s pale body.

He crouches down, grabbing your face and bringing your ear close to his lips. “If you don’t let go of him, I’ll fuck up his arms just like what I did to his feet.”

Reluctantly, you ease your grip on Ten. Kun immediately drags you to your feet, moving your tired body to the other side of the room. He sits you onto a chair as Ten continues to fight for his life in front of you. Looking down, you’re covered in red.

Ten’s blood covers your lower half, droplets pooling by your feet. The cloth of your pants squelches with every subtle movement and it takes everything in you not to throw up. The rusty scent of the fluid overwhelms your nostrils, face contorting in disgust.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

“You weren’t supposed to find out so soon,” Kun says in disappointment as if you were the nuisance right now. “Then again, I should’ve been smarter about the letter, right?”

When Kun reaches Ten, he reaches down, grabbing your friend by the collar and lifting him up onto his broken feet. The sight of Ten struggling to stand straight as his torn muscle and broken bone peeks from underneath his pants makes you gag. You double over, bile pushing out of your throat.

Thankfully (you’d take any act of mercy at this point), Kun sets Ten down on a chair similar to yours. Your friend’s pained expression slowly disappears now that the weight of his body is no longer on his disfigured limbs.

The deranged man looks down at your friend, mock pity on his face. He grabs Ten’s chin, making him face him. “You were definitely not part of the plan.”

“Please leave him alone,” you pathetically beg, wanting nothing more than to keep Ten alive. “We won’t tell anyone, just please let us go.”

“You can’t possibly undermine my intelligence that much, can you?” Kun turns towards you and you cower into yourself.

The butterflies in your stomach all those days ago were wrong. The heat in your cheeks was wrong. Kun wasn’t someone to be adored. He was someone to be avoided, to be feared. To be put in prison, away from people.

“After all those days of tutoring you, you really think I’ll be fooled by those poor, little pleas?”

Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a tiny bottle. He moves it slightly towards Ten, who squints his eyes to read the label. The eyedrops.

“Tetrahydrozoline,” Kun starts, playing with the eyedrops between his fingers. “In small doses it can be quite potent.” Looking towards you, he smiles cynically. “I guess now you know why you were so tired all the time?”

“What did you do to me?”

“Oh, nothing. A couple of drops in your coffee when you weren’t paying attention at the cafe. A little more in the food I’d give you. Sometimes, I would mix it in your IV fluid for extra measure.”

“You’ve been poisoning me -”

“No,” he interrupts, a scowl on your face. “If I wanted you dead, I would poison you. I just wanted you...easy to control, I guess is the right way to see it.”

“You fucking asshole,” Ten cuts in weakly. He’s fighting for his life, much paler than he was when you first saw his face. Time was running out and sooner or later, you would be left alone with Kun and Ten’s lifeless body.

“Why don’t I make a deal with you?” Kun comments, still smiling menacingly. He grabs a pair of pliers from behind him. Already knowing what he was gonna do, you try to grab his attention.

“Kun, no. Please, Kun,” you plead, but your cries go ignored.

“Every time you make a little pissy comment, I break a finger of yours. Sounds good?” Kun clamps the pliers onto Ten’s pinky finger, squeezing tighter onto the handles at an agonizingly sluggish rate, prolonging the pain.

Red colors Ten’s face as he fights off the urge to scream in pain, you weren’t so modest with your screams.

“Kun, no! Please! Don’t hurt him, please leave him alone.” Your throat is sore from the constant screaming, legs bruised and battered as you lift yourself up to your feet and stagger towards him.

Clinging onto his arm, you attempt to pull him away but your feeble tugs do little to get him off of Ten.

“I’ll do anything, please. Leave him alone, just leave him alone!”

At that, Kun stops. He looks down at you, thinking long and hard.

“Okay.” His grips loosens, the pliers falling to the ground. “Tell you what? I want to make another deal with you.” Kun grips the sides of your face, forcing you to look in his eyes.

At that moment, all memories of the kind nurse seemed like figments of your imagination. This wasn’t the Kun you had known. This was someone else.

Desperately, you nod. “Anything, just leave Ten alone,” you say through a sob. Your tears mix with the sweat and blood on your face. As it trails down your cheeks and slips onto your tongue, the saltiness jolts you awake.

“Don’t listen to him,” Ten protests waveringly. If you couldn’t save the both of you, you’ll save Ten. You’ll help Ten live.

“Stay with me. Forever,” Kun says gently, rubbing a thumb over your lip. “And I’ll let your little friend live. I’ll even help with the little accident I caused,” he adds, looking down at Ten’s legs with no remorse.

There’s no compassion in voice. No regret in his eyes. It’s an empty stare that digs deep into your soul, extinguishing any sense of hope.

“Okay,” you meekly agree. Kun smiles again. It makes your blood run cold. For a moment, you wonder if it was better off you and Ten die than end up with him.

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