Harley’s Unlucky Journey

I know people don’t see these but why not! So... I’m in hospital right now ( nasty kidney infection) and every day I’m here I feel more and more people should support the NHS. ESPECIALLY NURSES.

There’s one nurse on this ward in particular that’s above and beyond and even if nobody sees it, she deserves all the good in this world.

While being here I’ve been in severe pain, she made sure i got painkillers, even if it meant running in, dropping them and going to finish what she was doing. When I was being sick, she rubbed my back and made sure my hair was out of the way. She spoke to me about my Reptiles and made me feel cared for. I couldn’t tie my hair up for a shower because of my cannula and she tied it up for me. I know these are small things but she also does all the other amazing things nurses do.

Things still aren’t normal right now but we need appreciate people like Lucy and all the healthcare workers, especially those in hospitals and nurses need the most for all they deal with. And yet with a smile on their face and care in their hearts.

Anyone bashing the NHS needs to realise how much these people put in, how much they want to help. And the fact that we can get it without mountains of debt after us. I have had 3 surgeries and this time will be a week in hospital for this infection and yet I can go home and afford to live. If I was in a country like the USA where you pay for healthcare, I would be in thousands of dollars of debt.

So.. THANK YOU NHS

THANK YOU NURSES

THANK YOU NORTH HANTS HOSPITAL

And THANK YOU LUCY

I’m actually doing pretty good. I’ve dyed my hair and been trying to learn to love myself and right now things are ok. The world is still mental but personally, I’m ok.

But I’ve been doing some reflecting and wanted to get it out of my brain.

So this last year and a bit have been Sh*t. From the end of 2019 it’s all just been a bit crap.

I ended 2019 with being broken up with by someone I thought I’d be with forever and having to move back in with my parents. That was 3 days before my scheduled major surgery to remove a 20cm 1kg ovarian cyst and my ovary and tubes with it. That cyst turned out to be a borderline tumour. Meaning it was not malignant (cancerous) but also not benign (not cancer). It was somewhere in the middle, because of this i need 6 monthly check ups as it can return to my remaining ovary and could turn to cancer. So that sucked. 6 weeks off of work just dealing with that realisation, along with the risks with loosing an ovary. I could have early menopause, i have a higher risk of having a child with Down syndrome, I also may struggle to get pregnant when the time comes. Along with loosing who I thought was my true love.

Yeah... that sucked.

I was back to work by Christmas and at the start of the new year I travelled abroad to visit my sibling, while there i got fired from my job (my boss was an arse so had no good reason to fire me). I then had 6 weeks jobless while my parents (who i then lived with) went on holiday for 6 weeks. I managed to get a new job before they got back which i loved! Then Covid and Lockdown happened.

Things were normal for a while, my first scan showed no issues and work was going well (had a few hiccups there but generally good). One of my snakes passed away which was very sad but he is forever in my heart.

My birthday was in summer and I had to stay home, my closest friend didn’t bother to even get me a card. Although another friend came through!

Then in Autumn I had an issue with my sibling in this country. I let slip something I shouldn’t have and they went MENTAL! Now I’m dead to them, they wont see or speak to me and they don’t want me to see their children (whom I love with everything).

A month later an old friend of mine sadly passed away. He was an absolutely amazing person and it was a tragic accident that took him from us. This hit hard. He was my age and had helped me with some really dark times, there was a time we were really really close. I hated the idea he wouldn’t have a life. He deserved one, far more than me. That same night my rescue lizard passed of old age. My parents were away during all of this so I had to deal with it alone. My “closest friend” wouldn’t come with me to cremate her and then told me off for guilt tripping because I had no one to comfort me through this.

A week after that I had a date, I had told the guy I didn’t want to sleep with him so to not push it. After all it was our first date! He had come to my place though. It was all going well, we had takeaway and watched a movie and cuddled. We were making out and then that’s when it happened. He went in. He didn’t ask, i didn’t say I’d changed my mind, I hadn’t even realised straight away. He didn’t even put a johnny on. I froze. I didn’t know what to do! He was a military guy bigger and stronger than me and this was my house, I couldn’t leave! So i said nothing, I was scared and in shock.

It took me a while to process and I have found it really hard to know how I feel about it. I spoke to him the next day to tell him it was not ok. We haven’t spoken since. I felt gross and scared and ashamed, I had my “closest friend” tell me that it was nothing because i didn’t scream or push him off. Silence is not consent. SILENCE IS NOT CONSENT. I decided not to respond to him undermining what happened, he hasn’t messaged me since and that was over a month ago. I haven’t told my parents and plan not to. I don’t want them to be mad or see me differently.

Me trying to talk about it with people drove a lot of wedges between us. But the decent ones stayed. I may have less people but I know they truly care for me.

So now I’m at this point... A handful of close friends, still got a job, still mostly single but not actively dating (first dates are off the table for a while). I am kind of seeing someone that has been in my life for a year now but it is a low pressure thing. And I’m learning to love myself.

My final thought: Yes this has been Sh*t, well and truly sh*t but you know what!? I’M STILL HERE. Through all this crap, mostly dealt with alone, I have survived. So Yes i am one badass b*tch and yes I do deserve love and compassion, even from myself. So F*CK 2020 and roll on 2021. It may be just as rubbish but I’ll be here.

So Love yourself guys and remember, you are still here, you have conquered and you can again!

Let the record show that when I was struggling a work friend i confided in told my boss who told me off. My sister disowned me and said i was dead to her and that i could never see her kids again who are my reason to live. People who i thought cared would not return my messages or calls. My closest friend told me off and that I was attention seeking. None of these people made time for me. They were all to busy to take 5 minutes to see me, to make me feel loved or cared for. My only friends that do live so far away that i always feel on the outside of them.

People said their other friends were more important, yes E and S you both said you were to busy seeing another friend for the entire day. I’m sure 5 minutes could have been managed. 5 minutes. J cancelled on me and then would not speak to me.

I am sat in my room feeling completely alone apart from my animals. No one will speak to me, S did but S said i was attention seeking. I’m at a loss, if i end it like part of me wants to then my animals have no one, my mum would blame herself (that i do NOT want) and my sister would win. But i am struggling with this pain. With feeling alone. With feeling that no one will love me, that I may never be able to have a child. That i might end up with never knowing what it feels like to have someone truly love me.

So i hurt myself (which is a terrible idea, don’t ever do it, it is NOT healthy) and I took over a weeks worth of my medication. I am now going to smoke some MJ and sleep. My meds aren’t high dose so I’ll probably be fine but on the off chance I want somewhere to show that although i don’t blame any of these people, I did want help. But no one would make the time.

I am sorry to everyone that has ever had to know me, that has ever had to deal with me. I am sorry i wasn’t strong enough.

This isn’t a “NOTE” but maybe next time i feel this way I can reflect and be better for it.

I hope you all have more success finding help and I am always here for anyone that would need it. Otherwise there are many helplines you can find online. I will probably head to one now.

Stay safe and well everyone, I’ll be fine :)

I’m going to attempt a shorter one today!

So today is just some thoughts on guys.

I find myself being confused about guys most of the time. I would describe myself as a nerd, hence the Harley! So I am into comic books, superhero movies, games, etc. But for some reason, although guys say that’s what they want, that’s never really want they want. I would like someone with some of that in common with me but guys that like all that stuff just seem to want me as a friend. One of those wants me as a friend with benefits and yet always tells me he wants a girlfriend like that... why not me? The girls he then goes for are not into that at all, they like love island and the Kardashians, they think Lando Calrissian is an Italian dish. They have nothing in common with him! I find this time and time again with guys, all my friends who like that stuff seem to find boyfriends easy while i just get friend zoned or used. So I always wonder what is wrong with me, I get told I’m an attractive person, I try to be a nice person and yet I’m the one whose alone. So that must be it! None of them like the stuff I like so maybe that’s what it is, I instead need to be someone I’m not. This has been the case through my whole adult life that I see those kinds of girls with these guys meanwhile I’m just a friend. Like this guy I’m friends with benefits with, we hang out, talk games, watch shows we both like and have adult fun too. We cuddle and laugh together but for whatever reason he doesn’t’t want it to go any further. Instead he asks me to put a good word in for him with my friend who has nothing in common with him. What’s wrong with me? I want to shake him and ask him why I’m not good enough. It just makes no sense to me at all. I’m not putting a good word in for him because it makes me feel weird but I don’t understand. When we’re together, we act like we’re in a relationship so why is that so crazy to think? He then warns me off of guys that I see that aren’t the best but I can never tell if it’s genuine or out of jealousy. I don’t know it’s all very confusing!

That’s my rambling of bad luck for today!

Stay safe and well guys

So today lets talk... dating sites! This one is part one.. Tinder.

Yeah, dating sites. So i got broken up with last October, I had been with him a year and he said he didn’t love me. It was terrible timing as it was a week before a scheduled major surgery i had (more on that another time). So i was heartbroken, I thought this guy was the one so I found it very hard. Due to my surgery I was off work for 6 weeks. SIX WEEKS alone... thinking about my ex... wallowing. So a few weeks in I decided I didn’t want to just wallow anymore, I wanted to force myself to move on as it was clear my ex would not reconsider. So i downloaded Tinder. In all honesty I did get some dates from tinder and most of them were quite fun. But as always you get the weirdos.

So there was this one guy who I spoke to on WhatsApp, we’ll call him C, so C was fairly sweet, very complementary. Quite quickly C wanted to go to more adult topics (as i said I’m in my late 20s so not surprised), I was ok being a bit cheeky with this guy as I needed a distraction. He seemed ok and really into me so we planned to meet in our local town centre for a drink. I got ready, put makeup on and got changed, I messaged to check we were still on and everything but got no reply. All night no reply, apparently C was with friends and drank to much so couldn’t drive to the nearby town. I was livid! We had previously video chatted so I knew he wasn’t a catfish. We had plans and i hate when people don’t follow through, so I made sure C knew i was not happy, he apologised etc. He ended up messaging in the evening most of the time and it always lead to adult conversations and he always said to meet in his van or something (I was not going to do that!!). So we kept talking on and off but I wasn’t spending much time on him. We talked one day and we had video chatted and he tells me he loves me. He loves me. We hadn’t even met!! I told him that he doesn’t as he barely knows me and he wants me to say it back!! No chance. I was not gonna tell some guy i love him when I definitely do not. So... I blocked him! Seems low but I just got all kinds of weird vibes from C and i don’t need some guy that was either willing to lie about loving me or knew so little about love that he thought he loved me already.

Another tinder match i had was D, D was a little younger than me and i don’t normally go for that but he seemed sweet. He seemed to actually care about knowing me instead of what’s in my underwear. So we spoke for a while on WhatsApp and arranged to meet for dinner, he suggested weatherspoons. For a first date. HELL NO! I don’t know what you guys think on that but I don’t think weatherspoons is an appropriate first date place. For me its were you go for predrinks in your early 20s, or if you’re an old man who day drinks. So D seemed to not have the most extravigant tastes so we settled on Nando’s. Still not my favourite idea but a step up from his suggestion and you can’t beat a bit of peri chicken and hulloumi! We meet for our date, not stood up this time! And quite quickly I realise this is not going to have a second date. He was the single most boring person I have ever met!I wanted to leave before our food even got there. I tried to be nice and thought maybe he was nervous so I sat through the dinner. Once we were finished I was eager to leave so we got up and left (yes I paid for my own food, I don’t mind doing that but i like being spoiled!). We leave, walk back to the car park and I gave him a hug goodbye, he didn’t even go for a kiss so I’m sure he got the vibe I wasn’t feeling it! I removed him and that was that.

Another problem match I had was L, L was HOT. But he seemed somewhat nice, we chatted for a while, although he did like getting voice notes and sending them back. This also got to adult conversations and I realised the photos he was sending me were... large... and always looked to be taken in different places. So i asked for photos with his face and that never happened, I started getting suspicious that possibly he was catfishing me. But then he asked to meet up for a drink so I thought great! We agreed to meet in our local town, I was back at work by this point So i took a change of clothes and some makeup and went there straight after work. I messaged to say I was on my way and that I had got there. He said he was leaving then nothing. I waited for half an hour and got nothing. So I went home and was very annoyed. When I eventually got a response he said something about his grandad needing to be taken to hospital. I didn’t believe him but I thought fine lets give you a chance. But i was not going to trust him. I demanded a photo, he danced around it a long time, I pointed out that his photos were all in different places so i needed a face photo. Eventually I got one, he was not the person he said he was. He looked completely different, he was an average looking guy, from his face he looked a little chubby and he had glasses. Not the ripped, handsome guy who had matched me. Now i am not someone who is all about looks, I often don’t go for really ripped guys as they usually don’t like me! If this guy had been himself at the start I would have given me a chance but the fact that he lied I was not happy. I pointed out he looked different and he said that was the glasses. I showed him the photo again and showed him how it was night and day. I sent him a long message about not doing that to other women and I blocked him. Sure enough I saw L again on tinder, obviously another profile he had made after i had reported him, I reported again but I’m sure he’s still doing it! So be careful out there guys and gals!

I’m gonna end on a good and bad one for this part. This was G, G was attractive but in a normal, accessible way. I really liked him, we chatted for a fair while and he seemed sweet. I really thought he looked good, he was tall and he didn’t mind my many texts! We agreed to meet for dinner, that night my car packed up so I ended up getting picked up by him but I had spoken to him enough that he seemed safe. That and my parents knew where i was going and who with so they would know if something happened. He was lovely. We had a great dinner, even with him getting me drinking! We chatted a lot about our personal lives and it was easy to talk and lose track of time. Dinner was lovely and he paid which was sweet and after a while we got in his car and decided to extend the evening a little. Now this isn’t something I normally do but I couldn’t explain it, I felt a connection with the guy, a connection I didn’t think I’d feel after my ex. We had some adult fun together and went and got a soft drink before heading back to mine to drop me off. We chatted the whole time and it was great. He asked to meet again the following week and I said yes! We had a kiss goodbye and I was giddy! We kept speaking but when it got to meeting again he went quiet. Ended up that things were going on and he couldn’t meet. He ended up calling me and saying that he hadn’t long got out of a relationship and so would feel bad going into another already. I said thank you for telling me and he said he would message again when he was in a better place to see if i was still around. We have spoken since then but not a lot, he had asked to meet again after a long time of nothing and then couldn’t as he was with friends. So he said the following day. I’ve heard nothing since and that was a couple weeks ago. This encounter has burned me the most, I really like the guy and I hate that I let myself give in that first date and now I have not seen him again. I’ve now seen him on another dating site but he doesn’t respond to my messages. Even though he’s messed me about a little, I’d still like to see G again but that seems like it wont happen.

Bit of a rubbish finish for this part but that’s dating sites! I’m still single and on another site now! I’ll talk about that next time along with why I’m not on tinder anymore.

All the best everyone, stay safe out there!