I'm glad that you're older than me.

I will be modelling data for a geographic information services firm :3 Which is not the most thrilling thing on this earth, but they're a small company, I loooooved the woman interviewing me (and obvs she liked me enough to employ me!), and it actually uses my degree which is nice. It's a 12-week job not a permanent thing, but hopefully I'll be going back for fourth year anyway so that's all fine. And it's PAID and it will look good on my CV.

Wooo, that's awesome. Also lol, I used to live next door to Castle Hill and I've been to see his team (not him but whatevs, the doc I saw was nice).

Came home last night to two letters from the GIC, which I didn't actually understand until I asked the Internet for help. On receiving help from people who understand the NHS system, it turns out that I've got psych clearance from the GIC to have top surgery. 

Next steps: ring my surgeon's secretary on Monday and book a consultation with them. I don't know how long I'll have to wait for the consult. Then at the consult I can sort out the date of the actual surgery.

So er:

actually gonna have top surgery

the NHS is gonna fund it

it's gonna be with the surgeon I want, Peter Kneeshaw

did my exams and they went ok idk I'm not sure, don't have the results yet so we can't know

Life Circumstances Have Changed and I'm not going to the US this summer, lol forever etc

looking for jobs please someone employ me based on the strengths of my tumblr profile alone

can grow a chinbeard

deleted my queue, turned off my ask and submit, would quite like if it you didn't fanmail me unless we're friends (for the avoidance of doubt, if I have ever talked to you and it wasn't an argument then we are tumblr friends), probably best to get in touch with me elsewhere if you have me elsewhere (my Facebook and Twitter are linked on my page and I use them both quite avidly)

this website is hideous and it is making me ill, and I just need space in which to sort out my head and come to terms with the monumental horror that is my life, and while I would love a lot of you as individuals to be part of that, this website is not the place to do so en masse

things I regret:

making that fuckin post on being masculine

talking about the past

talking about the present

trans people, being a trans person and transition, cos the entire thing is basically misogyny incarnate (not the existence of people who have sex dysphoria and need to treat it, that is not inherently misogynistic, but basically every narrative around it that I can find is just hideous and I want fuck-all to do with it)

being alive

seriously I've not been suicidal like this for like... a while, and I need to work or something, but all I want to do is cry. everything is anxiety and misery and the ever-omnipresent urge to Explain Myself is difficult, because I feel like I have to answer all this shit cos I always do, but you can't reason with this sort of person.

I wouldn't have made that post if I knew people were going to mind it, but I genuinely thought that it would be ok to talk about my experiences, and it's all tied into a wider thing of how I'm feeling about transition

but as it is, nobody else feels the same as me about anything

never felt like I could be a bi woman cos all the bi women I knew used to constantly go on about how awful it was that I wanted to date women and didn't like men, and how awful it was to like women, and none of this had any relationship to my experience

never felt like I could be a lesbian cos I was too masculine and I didn't 'look like a woman' in this reductive sense of what it meant to 'look like a woman'

was really never ever a straight woman

appear to be a trans man, but honestly what the fuck does that even mean, why is everything about it hideous, why is basically all trans stuff hideous and full of misogyny and homophobia

I don't want to be trans and I don't want anything, and it has been made abundantly clear to me by 'you never experienced female socialisation' and the like that if I did ever want to detransition then I basically couldn't ever and it is categorically not an option that would ever be open to me, and I don't want to detransition but also I don't want to transition, I just want to not be alive

what the fuck even am I; all of this shit is driving me mad