sometimes i wonder if i’m only survived then because of how much i pray for her now. i’m unable to describe or articulate any of it. i can think and i can write but to speak my thoughts there’s a barrier and i feel no one will ever truly understand me. in my dreams i have a few impairments ones of a very specific set of time. how do i forgive her? easily, i’m just not sure how to forgive the adults around me watching me disappear and judging me for it but not seeing what was really happening. the only thing certain is fear. i know i am afraid. i wish that could be enough but most days it isn’t. gaps of time completely blank. i’m upset by everything. things that have nothing to do with it i’m able to find a way to connect and torture myself. i watched a video of a girl passing out on a ride at an amusement park. terrified and screaming to suddenly limp and silent. the ride is ending and she begins to wake up panicked but realizing it’s not over she immediately slumps back into nothingness. our brains will shut themselves off when it’s too much. but how do i get it to turn back on? and what happened to my body when it was off? i’m still afraid. i’m not smart but im definitely not stupid
