This is 'it', I guess...

     “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love, and to be loved in return”

Sorry Moulin Rouge, but it’s not. Well, at least it not in my opinion. The greatest thing I’ve ever learned concerning love is too love, and not be loved in return because by god does it make you a stronger person, weather you realise it or not. And in my case, it’s a common occurrence.

I met someone only five months ago, and I knew within a couple of weeks that I was falling in love with him. His crudity, his terrible laugh, the way he assimilates a posho voice, everything. I love everything about him. It’s bad, because I always apologise for it (it of course being the obnoxious, over powering and soul destroying emotion of love), but why should I apologise for falling in love with someone? Surely it’s their fault, I mean, if they weren’t who they were then I wouldn’t be in love, and we or I should say I, wouldn’t be in this mess. But then if that where the case then I guess no one would be in love.

No, it’s my fault. Simply because I let it happen. Maybe I haven’t been hurt enough and put up enough walls to stop myself from doing stupid things that only cause me pain. Or maybe this is it, this is the one that cause me to stop being so open, to stop giving myself and every little thought of mine to someone else. Maybe I’ll become detached and just drift through people’s lives. Maybe I’ll be the one that waits forever for someone to reach out and stop me drifting with some grand romantic and completely unrealistic gesture, just like you read about in books, or watch on TV. But then that entire concept is completely unrealistic to me, as in I’ve never been bought flours by someone, even after stooping to the level of begging one of my old boyfriends to buy my a £1 bunch of daffodils. So if someone that I was in love with cant even do that for me, then why do I expect someone (and in particular the boy in question) to jump out at me declaring his undying love and devotion, to want to make me his, and to have someone to call mine?

                                               ‘It’ sucks.

I’m pretty sure the person I met has no idea about ‘it’ and that I’m in love with him. He knows I like him, because we’ve had many a discussion (both sober and drunk) about the illusive ‘us’. The issue being there is no ‘us’. Direct quote; “I categorically do not want a relationship”. (I should point out this wasn’t just aimed at me, this was just a comment about his strong distain for relationships at university, though it still hurt like a bitch to hear) I feel like very single conversation we have about relationships pushes us further away from each other, like where scared of facing the reality of how we feel. In his case I guess it’s acceptable. His damaged, many would say beyond repair, but that just makes me love him more. As soppy as it sounds it makes me want to try and mend him and to make him realise that not everybody in the world is cruel. And that some people, namely moi, are a strong foundation on which to build a relationship.

Him not knowing about ‘it’ is probably the hardest part. Because of ‘it’ I have to put up a façade, act like certain things about his lifestyle don’t hurt me, pretend like the smallest comment from him can make or break me. Perhaps that’s why I’m in pain a lot of the time, but it’s all self-inflicted so I guess I don’t deserve sympathy. What sucks it that when I’m upset, hurt or just need someone I want to turn to him. I want him to be the one that holds me, tells me everything is going to be okay, that he loves me regardless and that makes me feel special, but I know that he can’t be that person, he won’t be that person. Ever.

The worst part is that I’m not strong enough to walk away from him. He’s my best friend, and I don’t know what I’d do without him. But at the moment I don’t know what to do with him. He occupies my every thought, to quote Austin he has ‘bewitched me; body and soul. And I love’ him, ‘it’ is always there. I know I should be strong and just leave to stop myself from feeling the way I do now. (Which is a less than pleasant mix of heart break and heart swelling, both at the same time)