Between You and Me

Lots of things have happened. But I’m here mostly because I’ve been discarded again.

This time by someone who I thought cared about me.

I’m feeling very unlike myself right now. Melancholy. Frustrated at my dependency. Feeling like a failure for not being able to keep up with myself. Insecure about working with people.

I signed up to get back into my personal development reconnecting with my self place.

It’s only when I hurt my own feelings by watching other peoples plates that I am distracted. Tunnel vision. Niggas get curious because you moved around and continue to do your thing, you didn’t wither and die like a flower on the vibe just because they didn’t want you. You don’t have to be distracted back. Let him watch, keep your eyes on your road.

And then, this nigga send me an Instagram message about his win. Like, you ain’t said shit to me since I don’t know when but you want to make sure I know you got the job we last talked about the night I fell? What the entire fuck… leave me alone liar.

Be with ol girl and continue to ignore me like you have been. Did you really need a reason to reach out to me about that? Make an announcement post on your insta… so I can drop my like off when I finally see it. You’re not my friend. Friends don’t lie to each other.

Shit I should say to your face:

I asked you if you liked someone else and you said no.

You told me your dick didn’t work when you were on your meds. Everything but I don’t like you like that. I am interested in someone else and think we should just be friends. And don’t lie to me because you was telling me that in October and then spending thanksgiving with someone. Why did you think I offered friendship to you anyway? I never asked you to date me. I knew what it was… yes I liked you but I’m not stupid. I know that no matter what people say about things not mattering, they matter. I know that people like to think that they are above stigma but they aren’t and dealing with me would’ve created just that… I try not to be a glutton for punishment but I really was trying to see the best in you but you gave me your ass to kiss in multiple ways… hurt me in ways I am almost incredulous at the fact I’m still even thinking about you. That I’m writing this… that I’m sending a fucking. Congratulations after you actively ignored me in text messages when I fell and was laid up injured in the face. Like why did I need the announcement in personal message?

What do you want from me? I thought you didn’t want to be bothered with me. As evidenced by the way you treated my text messages. You’re a coward and I wish I never met you. I can’t think of one benefit it has been to know you more personally. You have tested the limits of my grace longer than anyone I wasn’t in a relationship with and that says 12 much to me.

I have a lot of plans and it’s overwhelming but I feel like I can manage. I just need to manage my pain and my attention.

Lighting class

+ workshop

This is probably the worst time to attempt to stop smoking weed. I think I need a break though. I think I need to figure out how to rev the fire… I should do some yoga. I have some much body anxiety right now.

We have to jump out there.

Make the graphic

Record the video

Plan the zoom

They are waiting

You are an artist. Walk in the light. Spend time in your studio. Create your artist statement

Be all the things you’ve always been.

What do I have to offer that says I’m worthy.

WTF…

I just want to start the new year focused on being my amazing self because I know she’s in there. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. It’s hard to remember that at the moment.

Do I not have value as a person?

No uterus, teeth fucked up and not enough formal education.

Is this why I’m in sex work? Do I look foolish going after men who are out of my “league”

I don’t want to be concerned that I’ve wasted my life.

He doesn’t even want to be your friend.

He not your friend.

It wasn’t meant to be.

It’s a new year and you’ll be over him and the mistakes you made.

Forgive yourself for believing that it’s you.

It just didn’t work out.

Radically accept it.

Stop your mind from the story it creates. Stop fantasizing about a distant future where you get to return the favor of rejection that may never come.

You’ve survived bigger disappointments where you invested more time.

Just goes to show you that it’s not everything you should follow will turn out the way you imagined.

Yes… it could’ve been different. A different outcome.

He’s not a different person though…

He wasn’t enough… you had improvements on the design before you actually knew the ins and outs.