senandika si juna

I remember what you don’t.

I remember I almost lost myself.

I survived, but I went to therapy instead.

I remember lies repeated until doubt felt normal.

I remember carrying responsibility that was never mine, just because you refused to be a man.

I remember a past that was never laid to rest and kept returning as explanation, excuse, and deflection.

This isn’t anger.

It’s memory.

And memory is why I chose to walk away.

Do you need me to remind you again? Then, let’s.

H, your ex-w.

J, the one you chased but eventually rejected you anyway.

I, the beginning and the ending (nah, not really the ending because there’s more).

Patterns don’t lie..even when people do.

You don’t get to erase my pain. You don’t get to question why I acted this way. You just..don’t.

So, to answer your question;

Sengaja simpan dalam drafts so that I can always remember. The date. The hurtful words dari milf celaka tu.

Dan ni jugak;

Of course. Draft yang ni lagi panjang.

“I don’t wish to celebrate sebab tak nak create another moment for me to remember.” Because what happened on my birthday last year still lingers in my mind. Then this happened;

Proceeded to call Mok duduk sama then blame me for being ungrateful in front of Mok. Cakap that I am the one yang tak boleh nak terima dia lagi.

“Nak buat macam mana, dia memang dah tak nak? Betul tak, Azzura?” Ye, betul tu. Tapi tak nak cakap kat Mok ke itu disebabkan you yang tak nak berubah?

“Dalam hidup ni memang kita kena sentiasa sabar dan syukur.” Ye. Memang sepanjang hidup dengan dia ni memang aku tak pernah sabar dan syukur pun. Kan?

How fascinating… every time I express even the slightest frustration, whether about what actually happened or simply what could have been, it’s instantly deemed “disobedience”. As if having my own thoughts is some form of rebellion.

But of course, that only applies when it inconveniences you. Because obedience, apparently, is something owed to a “higher authority” and that’s you, naturally.

Truly impressive, though. A simple word like “taat” is enough to end any discussion, place you beyond question and beyond fault, and leave me in the position of having to adjust myself accordingly.

It must be nice, living in a world where you are always right by default.

Then again, I suppose that’s what happens when someone decides they are not just right… but righteous.

but I am better off without you.

“I hope you feel what I felt

when you shattered my soul,

you were cruel,

and I was a fool,

so please, let me go”