A Quiet Word

aku bukanlah sebuah kehilangan,

di belakang punggungmu,

akulah cinta yang paling kau kenang,

rahasia yang terus kau sayang.

First love, the reason we think first love is beautiful is not because people we first loved were actually handsome or pretty. It’s because we were unconditional, innocent, or a bit stupid at the time of first love. And because we know that we can never go back to that young, passionate time of our days.

First love is a bit rash. Without any calculation, we throw ourselves with passion and finally come to face failure. But it is at the same time dramatic. It comes with inexplicable feelings that we never get to experience again. So first love becomes the most dramatic moment of our lives.

It’s okay to fail. Tragic stories stays longer than ‘happily ever after’. It’s nice to have that wonderful story as one chapter of one’s life.

First love is a period of time. It never comes back. If the next love comes, time has to yield for that new love. It might not be as innocent as the first love, but it would be a little more mature, due to the pain suffered with the first love.

A person who dreams of love, is the one who waits.

After the romance, the real life comes in. Innocence gets dirty, passion gets cold, and youth gets old with cleverness. So first love becomes part of one’s exhausted daily life. That’s why first love looks like it can’t be accomplished. Because no one talks about a successful romance with first loves.

Thus, it’s okay to be like this. Even though, there isn’t a tragic drama in my life. But there is a familiarity like an old sweater. And if it gets tired, there is an excitement to reopen it.

We started as childhood friends and became first loves, then as a couple. And now as a husband and wife. We passed the same generation, shared the same memories and got older together. Familiar excitement, i like it.

I think I learned a lot from him even though i just knew him. And i just found out something new that hurt me a little bit (there's many thoughts that have been hurting me btw) Hehe.. i think now i know the reason why he always wear the ring he got from the church. Umm this is just my opinion. Why he wore it? Because his first love is his church friend. And it's ended by one sided love. He also said he missed her sometimes. But at the end he just said 'let it be beautiful memory'. But still, it hurt me.. a lil bit... but it's getting bigger now I think. He's such a good man. A Loyal guy. He's so pure,soft, full of responsibility, lovely, he's just perfect.. i think I'm falling for him over again.. o Allah, let me be his, be his true love, and let him be mine. Let us be a sakinah mawaddah warohmah married couple in the world and hereafter upon Your Ridho.. aamiin

Aku pertama kali melihatnya sehabis hujan di bulan November. Aku terduduk di bangku taman kota menunduk memandangi beberapa daun basah yang gugur disampingku, dan tanpa sadar jariku memainkan butiran air diatasnya.

"Ben.. ayo!" Terdengar suara berat dan lembut tepat didepanku. Aku tersadar dari lamunanku dan sontak mengangkat kepalaku. Seorang lelaki pemilik suara itu-yang tampaknya berusia sekitar seperempat abad-berlari kecil bersama seekor anak anjing berbulu hitam keriting mengkilat yang entah apa jenisnya aku tak terlalu mengerti.

Dia berlari kecil mengenakan jeans panjang dengan jaket dan sepatu berwarna putih, dan saat itu pula dia menyadari keberadaanku. Lelaki itu menoleh ke arahku dan seketika menghentikan langkahnya. Masih memegang tali anjing, dia tersenyum lepas ke arahku. Namun menurutku dia menertawakanku.

"Apaa? Kenapa?" Sontak aku mengatakan itu kepada lelaki yang menertawakanku dan bahkan aku pun tidak mengenalnya.

"Bukan apa-apa." kata lelaki itu masih dengan senyuman diwajahnya. "Ah udaranya dingin." Lanjutnya sambil memeluk kedua lengannya.

"Siapa.." aku ingin bertanya siapa dia namun kalimatku terpotong saat dia seketika melambai berpamitan dan berlari lagi bersama anjingnya.