PERFECT STORM .

                    ➤  self - shaping .

estinien’s hatred / grief / agony has developed essentially into himself. he’s attached himself so heavily to his past that those feelings are all he knows & over time, became a very sole part of who he is (or who he thought he was). as the days passed, so did the years, and many of his nights were spent laying awake in a sort of blinded hatred. oft did he spend his hours sat up at the foot of his bed, seething his emotions through empty glares & blood - lust filled bouts of training. he developed through his teenage years expressing to himself nothing but rage for the misery he had to bear as a child. he adopted those feelings, not as only feelings, but as key parts of himself & his personality.

as a child, he had a certain seriousness about him, but nothing touching malice , struggle , or hatred. instead, he was a boy who cared greatly for those around him, despite his quiet need to escape sometimes & the silent wish to explore beyond the town crowned home. he had a gentleness to him, a softness death could touch. & so it did.

he lost himself entirely, clinging desperately to the idea of vengeance, letting it consume all of him and all of what used to be. he will never go back to the way he was. that person died with the tragedy of ferndale. it was a coping mechanism to formulate his life around his desire for nidhogg’s ultimate destruction & he did it both willingly & subconsciously. it wasn’t until nidhogg was truly slain that estinien realized just how much of himself he poured into one single goal & how it became his entire person. depraved of what he thought he was, he was left to revel in the fact that he’s lost every ounce of meaning he had. he had developed so much into himself of vengeance that he was willing to die with nidhogg.

& he did, metaphorically. suddenly, he was a blank slate, something that could be molded & melded & it was threatening. it took several days to compute what had happened & how much of himself was lost in that battle. he’s still in a state where he is shaping who he is once more, elements of who he was as a child being reshaped within him, despite never being able to return to those moments. he thinks of them often, how he was, & wishes that he might see through those eyes again, despite knowing of its impossibility. he looks to himself as someone who must undergo new challenges.

          ❛ Still so presumptuous, ❜     she murmurs and clicks her tongue, folding her arms over her chest with a short sigh.

          She would not presume to know the depths of sorrow and rage he felt under the wyrm’s sway, but the grief of the man is one she knows as deeply as her own even without the Echo’s insight. The weight of loss that settles on her shoulders, in her stomach, in her heart; an inescapable sinking feeling, like quicksand, rooting her and drowning her in it all at once, even as she struggles against it. It claws her open, leaves her bleeding and raw, and when the sadness exhausts itself it reshapes itself into something stained red and far less forgiving, until that, too, is exhausted and the begins cycle anew.

          ❛ We are more alike than you might think. ❜

                       ❛  aye . were we not , my lance would bear little meaning now .   ❜  

WERE THEY NOT , his heart would not be so full of strength , of yearning , of desperation . for it is for these very reasons he still draws breath . he owes her greatly , as it was her hand that reached for him & dug him from the grave he’d buried himself within . there is an unspoken debt that lies heavy atop his heart , one that he will not speak of , but is held dearly with gripped fists & calloused fingers .   ❛  yet , there is much i do not know . i care not for trivial words . why do you fight , koharu ? ❜  

@azuredragoon​​ said :  ❛ i am what i am. you cannot be angry with a stove for heating the house. ❜ | (  more deathless prompts  /  accepting !!  )

        𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀 𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓, Iphenne is silent. She watches the dragoon intensely with the sort of look that begets disbelief. Estinien is so infuriatingly obstinate, that at times she wonders how she hasn’t found the resolve to wring his neck herself. The silence stretches on, creeping into the territory of uncomfortable and heavy before she finally finds her voice again. 

        ❝  …Is that what you think? That I am angry with you?  ❞ she asks, incredulous. Iphenne steps forward then, her calm expression twisting into something anguished. ❝  I am not angry with you, Estinien. Do you not realise how worried I’ve been?  ❞ There’s a pause before she corrects herself, feeling that the admission is too vulnerable.  ❝  We’ve all worried about you! You could have died!  ❞

                                                ❛  yet i live .   ❜    

GUILT - RIDDEN , HANDS tainted with blood , his lance , his abandoned armor , his helmet , still wearing the stains & stench of it all . an obstinate agony becomes him & he knows that no other will understand him , & that the fault of the matter lies only ‘pon one specific pair of shoulders . he shrugs haphazardly & sighs .

                    ❛  i recommend you get some rest . it should serve you well .   ❜    

                            ❛  indeed . fifteen - thousand gil was well met .  ❜

                                     ❛  aye . family is a topic harsher than most .  ❜      

                                             ❛  you know no rest .   ❜      

CONCERN IS LACED , weaving in & out betwixt his words & he cannot bear to watch the woman suffer onward . he is wildly familiar with the woes & sorrows of fatigue’s greatest wars , so when worrying for another , his mind strays from its usual distance .

                 ❛  should we see to an inn , i urge you to spend a night in its bed .   ❜      

                     ➤    wan·der·lust / noun : a strong desire to travel.  

as i had mentioned in my previous headcanon post, “  so i headcanon he’s always somewhat dealt with a bit of depression, despite growing up in a relatively normal atmosphere. he wasn’t truly satisfied with the rural farm life of ferndale, but he knew not what he wanted to do about it, so he stuck with it, despite his desire for something more. ” but those thoughts, those wants, desires, never faded. he’s never been one to stay in one place for long, lest he bear the burden of companionship.

even after tragedy beset him, he proceeded in the way of the lance, in the way of self & exterior possession. he was ruled by the doctrine of the knights he had joined & moved only with them as he prepared himself for his ultimate battle against nidhogg. as he graduated & time went on, he found he could not stay himself. stillness existed no longer within him, as he had gained full access to his own life & spared the few friendships he had made along the way. he travels a lot, he likes to travel, he finds some simple joy in experiencing new places & new beginnings, never allowing himself to stay put long enough to forge anything of emotional attachment to anything. instead, he appreciates the different cultures he’s made face with & the different foods that accompanied them.

he’s never been one who is afraid to try new things. however, his desire to travel is less about the new sights to see & more about escaping his previous presence. his life is a game of cat & mouse with none other than himself. the exploration of new lands is but a luxury that accompanies his constant migration.

                                ❛  it seems the battle is won .   ❜    

                     ➤   dealings with grief .

                       ❛  you could do worse than to place your trust in me .   ❜  

                                   ❛  there is more to you than you let on .   ❜

                                    ❛  i’ve been searching for you .   ❜