Untitled

It’s been 6 months and it still hurts like that day. If I’m awake my mind is going. I try to find things to take my mind off things but it won’t freaking stop. I reached out today maybe just a little shimmer of hope to be there but it’s not and I know that. So why the hell cant I let go. I want the closure and the answers but I know I won’t get them. I even pray to make it stop hurting. It keeps going. I’m tired of wanting. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hurting. I don’t ask for much in my life but fuck. Are you kidding me. I don’t do bad things in life. So wtf. Is it punishment from my past. I just don’t understand. I only want the hurt to stop. Either give me what I need or make it all go away and stop hurting. If that’s what I need then show me what I need.

Well it’s finally starting not to hurt so much. I still see him doing and searching for the same thing. I feel sorry for him. It must be very lonely searching for something that you don’t even know what he’s searching fir. He could’ve had everything in this world with us but it just didn’t fulfill his urges. I hope he finds it one day.

You know when you hear I was called a roommate” after being in supposedly a committed relationship for almost 7 years, that kind of pisses me off and also question what the hell was the last 7 yrs if I was just a fucking roommate. Are you kidding me?!!!! Why don’t you take your own accountability and actually tell the truth about what “YOU” fucking did to destroy another persons life . Knowing damn well what you did and are still doing. I feel sad for you. You don’t need to try to find a Woman that is looking for a relationship what you need is to stick with the whores that you’re seeking whatever you’re trying to find in your life without destroying another person’s life and doing them the same way you did to me. I just don’t understand how someone can lie about very simple things there’s no reason for it. You need to start taking accountability for the words that come out of your mouth and the actions that you take. I hope one day you truly understand how badly you broke my heart and destroyed the love in so much depth that one person can a have for someone else.

I would have thought my heart wouldn’t hurt so much still. I know in my mind we will not be together again or st least that would be the most logical thing to think but my heart and the love I still feel for him still wants that hope. We were good together except for this one thing. I just thought I needed to stand up for myself and maybe he would realize where I’m at. He would stop but I didn’t really give him that chance to prove me wrong. He wanted to stay but I told him no. After being told the same thing after 4 tines you just stop believing it. So this I had to do was one of the hardest things I had to do. I think I’m not sure if I made the right decision.

I saw him for the first time since I moved. I’ve got the joy of spending time with my fur babies. But knowing that they will go away again and seeing him again. It hurts so bad. And he thought I stopped hurting. No. Every day is still such a difficult challenge. To not cry before you get out of bed and try to go through the day without breaking down again and again. How do you stop hoping for something you want and never wanted to let go. All I was trying to do was protecting my heart while breaking at the same time. But still being in love still so hard. I ask myself did I handle it the wrong way. Did I make the wrong decision about my decision. I lost 2 people and lost 2 fur babies too. .

No matter what I do to try to keep my mind and heart from thinking and hurting I still end up so e and painfully hurt. I wish I could stop crying. I do t want to think about the good or the bad. I’ve never hurt this bad except for when my mom died. And that still kills me every fucking day. All I wanted to do is for him to love me how much I loved him. I wanted him to fight for my love the way i fought for him.

It’s so hard to walk away from someone that you love so much but you have to protect your heart even though you know it’s going to hurt. Never thought that he would be the one for me to fight for and he doesn’t. I am trying to convince myself that I’m better off without him. I know that it will get easier. I just wish I knew where I belong.

After I go through the emotions of still wanting him missing him I turn and see it’s not going to change. Is it him that I want or the love from someone who will appreciate me for what I have to give. It then I also look in the mirror and see.

We were together short of 7 years. I fell in love quick and hard. I couldn’t stop looking st him Every day I fell more in love with him but only to have my heart hurt at the same time. I don’t understand how I could do that. Even to this day after I had the courage to be brave enough to say stop hurting me with what he was doing to us. My heart broke that day. That was the 3rd hardest day I ever had. I know he has moved on as he puts it but his words to me are confusing. I know in my my that it’s over. So why do I want so bad to have his love without the bad part. The only one that was the problem. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want him to love me as I live and want him.