azalea

[ 1,863rd round ]

"Heewon!"

I looped my arm around her neck, pulling her until my smooch landed square between her brows.

"Hm?"

"Have you seen Sooyoung? I need her help with something."

"I think she's down in the infirmary." Heewon finally looked up from the shield and rag in her hands to inspect me. "Huh. You seem suspiciously cheerful."

I grinned. "It's a beautiful day."

Heewon's eyes narrowed. "Did you and your monster make out or something? You finally got laid?"

"Of all the—fuck no."

"His face is excellent," she said with a modest shrug.

"And his personality is a pile of steaming dogshit." I scowled. Joonghyuk had been doing well the past few weeks, less rampaging and more determined scenario fighting. Then a few days ago, he discovered a hidden scenario...I had tried to join him.

He refused. Rather harshly. His words cut into my skin even now.

"Ah...it's that. You haven't resolved things still?" Heewon hummed and resumed scrubbing the shield. "Make up sex is a wonderful invention. Try it."

"I hate you."

Heewon smirked.

"I'm going to find Sooyoung."

"Wait, wait. Tell me why you're so happy before you do." She looked at me with a fake pout.

I walked past her.

"Yeona. Yeona!"

Before entering the hallway, I called back to her.

"The stigma—I might have something!"

Regression. I had found a way to possibly obtain regression. It was the first lead I had discovered in a long while, and the hope was making me giddy.

I was one step closer to finding Kim Dokja.

And I was fairly certain that I needed Sooyoung's help to get there. I needed strength of numbers, dependable ones, in order to complete a special scenario developed by a rogue constellation. Sooyoung's avatars were the perfect solution.

Rounding the corner, I saw that familiar, short black hair up ahead. I bounded over to her in a few leaps and pulled her to me.

Sooyoung craned her head and said, "What do you want?"

My smile widened. Sooyoung's bored frown looked even more unimpressed in response.

Before she could protest, I pressed a kiss on her cheek. "Stop your grumpiness, or Heewon is going to call you one of the Seven Dwarves again—"

The shifting expression on her face made me pause. Sooyoung looked almost...angry.

"Don't do that."

"I'm sorry," I said automatically, letting go of her. "I shouldn't have assumed you—I do it to Heewon all the time and I didn't think you'd mind."

If anything, Sooyoung's face went darker. "You thought wrong," she spat.

"I'm really sorry," I repeated. "Uh, why, if I can ask?"

Sooyoung turned away from me, crossing her arms tight.

I tried to soften the atmosphere. "Sooyoung-ah—"

She was gone before another word could be said.

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "How do I manage to catch her in a bad mood so often," I muttered.

Perhaps it was for the best that I hadn't had a chance to ask her for such a huge favor right now.

My feet carried me to the kitchen to make tea, hoping to ease the budding headache at my temples. But it wasn't my head that hurt the most.

It was a peculiar sense of guilt in my chest.

Sooyoung-ah. Sooyoung-ah. Sooyoung-ah.

The voice rung throughout Han Sooyoung's mind as she stormed away. Once in her room, she threw herself on the bed and curled up.

Why? Yeona had asked.

Of course she would want to know. She was always too curious for her own good.

"Because I'm going to believe it means something."

The words were hardly a whisper, thin and hoarse on her tongue. She wanted to be free from this aching fluttering inside her.

Han Sooyoung remained there for hours until the sun dipped low beneath the Earth.

There was a light knock on the door.

"Yes?"

Han Sooyoung knew, before the head peeked around the wood, who it would be.

Yeona chewed on her lip. "Can I come in?"

Han Sooyoung sat up and sighed. "Sure."

Yeona stood in front of her, hands clutching her own sleeves, with doubt and remorse etched on her features. Han Sooyoung hated the sight.

"I—um..."

"Come here," she said loudly and tucked Yeona into her arms. "Don't make that face."

"What face?" came the muffled reply.

"The dumb one you make when you're blaming yourself."

"But I upset you. And I wish I understood the reason."

Han Sooyoung was glad that Yeona couldn't see her face just then. "Earlier I wasn't feeling well. Nothing more to it."

"...Okay."

"I promise. I'm not mad at you."

She was mad at herself.

"Fine." A huff. "I guess I believe you."

Han Sooyoung should have kicked her out then, protected herself with distance. But Han Sooyoung was weak.

She stepped back and tugged Yeona onto the bed, wrapping around her once more. "I was going to bed before you interrupted me. Pay the price."

"Oh, so you're alright with hugs but I can't show you a little extra affection?"

"Shut up."

"You're a piece of work, Han Sooyoung."

"I'm using you as a sleep plushie tonight," threatened Han Sooyoung. "No complaining."

"You..." Yeona's voice was strangled. "You use plushies to sleep?"

Han Sooyoung moved to look at her. Yeona's eyes shone with mirth.

"Shut. Up," she hissed.

Yeona laughed. Han Sooyoung couldn't help it—she smiled back. All the negativity seemed to seep out of her bones.

Han Sooyoung felt arms wind around her, slow and cautious. Yeona watched her, waiting to see if she would reject them. Reject her.

Han Sooyoung did not.

"Goodnight, Sooyoung-ah."

Her heart squeezed. Like being filled and wrung out over and over again.

"Goodnight, Yeona—" her throat tightened "—ya."

Yeona closed her eyes and laughed again. It was airy.

Han Sooyoung wasn't sure what was funny this time.

She closed her eyes too, willing herself asleep. Sleep would not come. Not when she could feel too much softness pressed up against her. When her fingers were tangled in someone else's hair. When the even rise and fall of breathing reminded her who was there.

They were close enough that Han Sooyoung knew exactly the moment Yeona fell into a deep slumber.

She opened her eyes.

...Han Sooyoung was paralyzed in place.

Yeona's breath was soft as it brushed her face, her limbs warm and heavy around Han Sooyoung's body. The smile on her face still lingered, as if Han Sooyoung making her laugh was a precious feeling left behind.

Before she knew it, her nose grazed against Yeona's own.

One taste. Han Sooyoung was so close. It wouldn't take much but a slight tilt of the head, hovering mere millimeters, and then Yeona would open her eyes, laugh and call her stupid, lean in...

Yeona's mouth parted in a mumble.

"...m...D...ja."

A horrible, pained noise escaped Han Sooyoung's lips as she ripped away.

Of course it was him. It was always him.

She buried her face into the bed, shoulders shaking. Her grief was silent as the night. The fabric grew damp so that her cheeks would not have to.

Han Sooyoung had experienced incredible pain since the scenarios began. Deep gashes and burned flesh. The violent deaths of her avatars.

None of it compared to this.

It was the wings in her chest being ripped off, torn and trampled and made wretched, so they would never be free. And even if she wanted to, she could never manage to let Choi Yeona go.

Eventually Han Sooyoung regained control. But the damage was already done. Her eyes felt swollen.

I hope she can't tell in the morning.

It was Han Sooyoung's final thought before she was drained into exhaustion.

Something stirred me awake in the middle of the night.

Sooyoung was still sleeping. Peaceful. Beautiful, as always. That scowl that usually decorated her features had smoothed into a slight frown. The moonlight caught her face, and I noticed something odd. I brushed her locks back to get a better look.

Her eyes opened. Confused.

"Sorry," I murmured.

Sooyoung clutched my hand before I could retract it. She pressed it into her cold cheek. Now, I could see clearly the puffiness rung around her lashes.

"You should go back to sleep."

I shook my head and inched closer. "You're upset."

Sooyoung inhaled sharply, closing her eyes. "Yeah."

"I don't like that."

Her breath hitched in her throat. Then, a hoarse laugh.

"Dreams suck."

"Dreams?" I curled my fingers under her ear. "Sooyoung, please help me understand. I want to be there for you—"

My shirt balled up in her fist as she leaned over me. Her brows were drawn tight, furious.

"Stop...talking," she grit out. "You don't—you can't understand, okay? I don't want you to."

Both of us froze as a drop landed on my cheek. Sooyoung trembled.

"Fuck," she said angrily.

"Sooyoung—"

"If I follow the damn plot of this dream, then maybe it will let me wake up." Her voice turned bitter. "To reality."

I stared up at her, at a loss for words. A wild, desperate look entered her eyes as she leaned in.

Han Sooyoung kissed me. And suddenly, all of it made sense.

Her lips were warm and chapped, tasting of salt. They pressed roughly against mine, and then broke away quickly while my body was still trying to catch up to my mind.

Sooyoung withdrew. Her expression was marred with mute devastation, like someone who had accepted that she just lost everything.

I lunged, pushing her back into the mattress. "Stupid!"

Sooyoung flinched like I'd slapped her. Her eyes fluttered shut, face pulling taut.

"No," my voice was raw. "No, you're really stupid this time, Sooyoung-ah."

"Mmph!"

Sooyoung flailed as I kissed her hard until she went pliant under me. I felt her hands slide around my waist, tugging me down on to her. Her mouth met mine with urgent movements. When I pulled away, she gasped.

"Yeona, you..." she said, dazed.

I tucked my head in the crook of her neck and let my weight settle. Her heartbeat pulsed frantically against my chest. I slid a hand down to lock our fingers together.

"But you..." Sooyoung strained out. "Aren't you in love him?"

"...I might actually kill you."

"What?"

"I am not in love with Yoo Joonghyuk."

"Not him. Kim—" She choked on the name.

Kim Dokja? My eyebrows furrowed. "When did I say that?"

"You talk about him all the time. You're waiting for his arrival."

"I am. That doesn't mean I love him in that way...I've barely even met him in real life." I could tell my words only confused her further. "It's—that's a complicated situation. I'd rather not talk about it now."

There was silence. Sooyoung broke it with a loud wheeze.

I jerked up. "Am I crushing you?"

"No." She hacked out a laugh, coughing. "I just can't believe...if this is some twisted dream after all, then someone is going to die when I wake up feeling like shit."

"Oh, shut up with that 'dream' nonsense." I flicked her cheek. "You don't honestly believe that's the case."

Sooyoung muttered something. I pinched her cheek and she yelped, "Hey!"

"There. Now you know you're awake."

We tussled. Sooyoung kicked me in the shin once. Probably on purpose. It ended when she grappled me into our earlier position, her arms locked tightly around me, nose to nose.

"You're still my sleep plushie."

"Okay," I said easily.

I saw Sooyoung smile before her eyes closed. I watched her with a smile of my own. My eyelids grew heavy, my thoughts drifted.

Despite having finally cleared up our mess of emotions, I couldn't help but notice the persistent thrum of guilt lingering in the back of my mind. Next to it was the knowledge that my time in this round was steadily ticking to an end.

The reason for my guilt was obvious this time.

I had an expiration date for when I would choose to leave everything behind for the 1,864th round. And no one, not even Sooyoung, could sway me from my choice.