Words of a Failure turned Warrior

 (My personal take for 2021 ) 

(I wrote this on my notes on December 31, 2021 @ about 11pm before 2022 entered. Posting it here!)

 Release what is no longer good for you, detach from the things and the people who no longer bring out the best in you, and let go... let go of the situations you cannot change.

 Carry forward what brings you peace, accept that there are things we cannot control, and hold on... hold on to your faith in everything.

 When you're holding on too much, you're letting a portion of yourself go. Life is more than this sweetie, so if it's not working out then let go of the life you planned for yourself and accept the one waiting for you. 

 Give yourself permission to be human. Life is messy, accept it. It hands you over things and situations that will question your faith, justice, your sanity even, and literally everything. Just hold tight to the truth that grace will always give you a clean slate to start all over again. If you think others deserve a second chance, more so for you. His mercy is overflowing. 

 You deserve to live in freedom. Forgive. Forgive the people you believe did you wrong, because at the end of the day, no matter how we strive for perfection, we are all incapable of achieving such. Forgive because you deserve peace. It's not as easy as chewing gum, it's hard work in progress. And once you get there, the universe will start showing you how beautiful life is without grudges. 

 YOU ARE STRONG FOR WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT. If this year has been hard for you, don't worry, you have the next one ahead of you. Change the narrative. Shift your mindset, and align it with your purpose. See the good in everything, in everyone. It's hard to be a human sometimes but it's beautiful at the same time. You only have one life, make the best out of it. Don't spend it hating on other people. Remember, peace is always at hand for you. You are more than welcome to have it. 

 If you want to cut off toxic people from your life, if you want to get out from a community that is no longer serving you its purpose... go. Don't be a person you are not. It's hard creating a version of yourself just to fit in or just to accommodate what they want to become of you. Be your authentic self and act on the things you need improvement on. You are beautifully imperfect and sometimes change has to start within you. 

 You're still a work in progress and your best days are ahead of you. Be brave. You are made for a victorious journey. Magtiwala lang. Padayon! 

You have such a strong impact on my life that it's letting me make a fool out of myself. I knew my love never stood a chance, but with how you made me feel I convinced myself that I can bear this unrequited love affair. Well, guess what... I can't. After almost two years, I can't believe that I'm saying this. I got so tired. I don't know where I stand with you. It's just so ironic that a lot of people are striving to strike a conversation with me while I'm dying to keep our conversation going because you're such a dry texter. My day is just better with you, it would just cost you a minimal effort to make me smile. You simply breathing was enough to make me happy. Our little conversations were enough to complete my day. But it seems that I am not enough for you. And today, I am officially letting you go. To be honest, I have said this to myself a lot of times already, and yeah I failed miserably every time. However, this time I am regaining the love I should have pampered myself with since I met you. You no longer deserve my care and I no longer force you to care for me. You're better off being alone. You're just so good at it. I know it's not the same for me because I am such a needy person. But I trust the process, I know I will get over this. It will take time but eventually, all will be well.

I have given so much of myself to you that a big part of me has been lost. I have cried buckets of tears because of how pained I was every time you gave me mixed signals and the funny part is you don't even know how much you were hurting me. You let me feel that you wanted this too but other times you made it clear that we're just friends. I knew that if I continue loving you I would get hurt more. I'm sorry self for not taking the higher road. I'm sorry self for not listening to you.

You are the main character of my 2021 and I would not have it the other way because I could not deny the fact that I really loved you and no one made me happy like you did.

Tonight, as I lay on my bed, with 3 of my 6 cats purring beside me- I suddenly remembered this Tumblr account. There is currently a typhoon enveloping the country, "Fabian" as it is called. Heavy rains and cold breeze have been dominating our life the past two days, not to mention these lightning flashes currently capturing the city.

Life has never been the same since 2019. I scrolled down to my very first post and tears welled up in my eyes as I travel down to the memory lanes of 2019. Two years later, I can confidently say that emotional and spiritual healing have already rested in my life. The troubled heart is now renewed, and the pathless life is now redirected. All glory to the living God!

I have now realized the purpose for all the things I put up with, for all the pains I suffered from. God is showing me my purpose. He is trying to prepare me for something greater which at first I wasn't sure of but was revealed to me days ago. He was making me stronger, He wanted me to be resilient enough so as to survive the next battles I will be fighting against. However; with all the things I learned from all my past frustrations, my favorite part is how God taught me humility.

I have always relied on myself and on other people. I knew that there was a supreme being, but my recognition of God was superficial. I haven't really given Him my 100% trust but after all the brokenness He put me through, I now fully realize that it is only in Him will I be whole again. The treasure that came out of this darkness was Him waking me up to my senses- spiritual senses. Now, I have the greatest passion for Him above everything else and I pray that the passion will be lit until I go home to Him.

BAGUIO SUNSET 💓

I was once a book freshly ripped out of the protective cellophane wrapped around it. Pages so white and flat as if newly ironed by delicate hands. Now, my pages are yellow-stained, some even stained by the drips of the reader’s coffee or whatever drink he’s having. The leaves are already wrinkled from the pressure put on the pages as the reader moves to the next one. I am already showing evidence of the passage of time and it somehow bothered my hardbound covers on going soft. I was once a 1,000-page book but now I'm at 800 pages. I had lost too much to tell the full story. Can the reader still appreciate me despite the 200 pages I’m lacking?

There were times when the bookmark jumped from one page to another in a quick-paced motion which I had a hard time catching up. However, there were also moments when the reader never bothered to move the bookmark, even to just a single page. I hated the waiting, I hated the agony and boredom that came along with it. If only the reader could hear everything I said, I would have constantly shouted at him to keep reading. “Let’s get this over with, just move to the next chapter!” If only he could hear me... if only. The waiting was what pained me the most, it never felt good to be stuck to a page where there was no beautiful story to tell.

Another pesky thing my reader does is, he places me next to the books I don’t have a connection to. Damn, I would never appreciate it if I’m put next to Stephen King, with all his thrillers and horrors that are scarily unreal. I don’t want to be seated next to Nicholas Sparks who only kills his protagonist in ways unimaginable, gosh a strange death to ruin the romance. I wanted to be placed next to the books of my own kind. The category? That I don't know yet. But as the clock moved its hands, I learned to embrace the warmth and security these other books have given me. Maybe, I have to soften my once “hardbound” covers more eh?

The 22nd chapter will never be my favorite. It felt like this chapter was the most detailed, most concentrated on that I wished for the reader to have just skipped this part. But today the long wait has reached its conclusion, and the reader has finally turned the pages to Chapter 23- after what seemed to be the slowest reading time.

Thank you, Lord.

That’s a wrap for 2019!!!

Wheeeew, what a year! It’s gonna be an understatement when I say that 2019 broke me a little, because it did not only break me- it totally changed me. I don’t know how to go back to my authentic self; I miss the real me, I miss showing real happiness, I miss my genuine smile, I MISS LIFE. However, with this new year, I am ready to stand back up again. Praise God for never leaving my side during those testing times. Although during such times, I have refused to acknowledge His presence and I have assured myself that I can live without Him. The words of my mom were what made me realize how ungodly I was becoming, “Never let one exam destroy your relationship with God.”  She was hurtfully right. What happened to me took me away from Him, but I’m very grateful for He never left me, He accepted me- a sinner, again.