hai. i'm brandon.

September 2013 & September 2016 I joke about how much weight I've lost and how weird it is, but it seriously is crazy for me. I've been self conscious and insecure my whole life and I still am, but it's a nice feeling to be able to look in the mirror and not completely hate what I see. I'm definitely not the same person I was 3 years ago, and I guess it's not just internally.

I just really like these pants I got today. that’s all. 

Of feeling inadequate Of being unappreciated Of feeling guilty Of apologizing when I'm not in the wrong Of no progress Of doubting Of dealing with the same shit over and over Of feeling like being myself isn't desirable Of wrestling with God over the same thing Of having to deal with EVERYTHING on my own Of having no one who I can turn to and will fully understand or care Of not having the time to be around those I care about the most Of being around people all the time and always feeling alone Of feeling left out in almost every atmosphere I'm in Of having to pretend I'm okay because there's just too much other stuff going on right now Of not being able to discern between doubts and truth Of waking up everyday feeling more exhausted than the last Of having to piece myself together every morning just to make it through the day Of having no one to support me Of having to support everyone else Of being tired.

I've got a lot on my plate, but I'm already full Inside of my head is getting heated, but I gotta stay cool For the sake of those around me that always need me to be fine But little do they know my sanity is on the decline I wanna hit the rewind and go back to the days When my biggest stress in life was picking which game to play And I don't wanna complain, cuz I got it better than most But please let me know if you got a better approach To make the family proud, and keep my happiness too And how to balance my focus between rapping and school And I love acting a fool, but I got people looking up to me And parents working hard, paying thousands every month for me Just to make sure that I can make it in the world And mean while I'm still tryna stay patient with my girl Cuz she deserves the best of me, so I make sure that she's got it But I can't lie, man I'm stressing when I look at my wallet Cuz I know that I've been blessed with every dollar I have But I can't help but feel indebted to my mom and my dad It's up to me to make the hours and hours they're working worth it By setting an example of how to go serve a purpose For my brothers and my cousins, and everyone I'm forgetting And I swear that in my mind it's all looking like Armageddon So I'm crying to lord, just asking him for a sign That everything in my mind was never meant to be mine And I'm on the edge - flirting with bad habits Searching for clarity, but feel like I can't have it But why? That's like my new favorite question Like why does God have to be quiet just to make an impression? Cuz I know that he's there, and I know that he cares I just wish that he would tell me if I'm supposed to be scared Cuz I am, and this is me admitting that I'm weak With ears wide open, I'll be ready when he speaks