Self Sabotage Princess

when something stressful comes up

You want the company of someone so much. Yet you’re used to being alone. So when someone is finally a constant in your life, you push them away.

Dear you, 
Whoever you are, 
However you got here 
This is exactly where you are supposed to be. 
This moment has waited its whole life for you. 
This moment is your lover and you are a soldier, 
Come home baby, it’s over 
You don’t need to suffer any more. Dear you, 
This moment is a surprise party, 
You are both hiding in the dark and walking through the door, 
This moment is a hallelujah. 
This moment is your permission slip 
To finally open that love letter 
You’ve been hiding from yourself, 
The one you wrote when you were little, 
When you still danced like a sparkler at dusk, 
Do you remember the moment you realised 
They were watching? 
When you became ashamed 
Of how much light you were holding? 
When you first learned how to un-love yourself? Dear you, 
The word ‘today’ means ‘amen’ in every language. 
Today we made it, 
Today I’m gonna love you, 
Today the box cutter will rust in the garbage, 
Today the noose will forget how to hold you, 
Today- 
Today- Dear you - and I have always meant you, 
Nothing would be the same if you did not exist. 
You, who were once as small as a bouquet, 
Who could sleep in the laps of strangers, 
Nothing would be the same if you did not exist. 
You, whose voice is someone’s favourite voice, 
Someone’s favourite face to wake up to, 
Nothing would be the same if you did not exist. You, the teacher, the starter’s gun, 
The lantern in the night who offers not a way home 
But the courage to travel farther into the dark. 
You, the lover who worships the taste of her body, 
Who is the largest tree ring in his heart, 
Who does not let fear ration your love. You, the friend, 
The sacred chorus of ‘how can I help?’. 
You, who have felt more numb than holy, 
More cracked than mosaic, 
Who has known the tiles of a bathroom by heart, 
Who has forgotten what makes you worth it. 
You, the forgiven, 
The forgiver, 
Who belongs right here in this moment. You, this clump of cells, 
This happy explosion that happened to start breathing. 
By the grace of whatever is up there, 
You got here, 
You made it this whole way. 
Through the nights that swallowed you whole, 
The mornings that arrived in pieces. 
The scabs, 
The gravel, 
The doubt, 
The hurt- 
The hurt- 
The hurt is over, 
Today you made it- 
You made it- 
You made it 
Here.

I have never felt so at ease as the day you called me ‘precocious’ I have never feared big words, Only those that refuse to use them And the syllables rolled off your tongue like honey- I was hooked. Language became our vein of communication And I know that everybody uses language to communicate, But ours was different As if in between the letters and the syllables There’s a secret message only we could decipher. My days were filled with the sound of your voice, And your nights were littered with the loops of my handwriting We exchanged our favourite words Mine being 'illuminated’ And yours being 'cattywampus’ And our least favourites; Mine, 'moist’, and yours 'almost’ And when I asked you why, You said it was because 'almost’ held failed potential That it represented our ability to be just not good enough That we had come to the brink of something beautiful But fell short so many times, We crafted a word for it But even we, with our supposed mastery of the English language, Were not immune to the shortcomings of our vocabularies Words can only help you if you speak them I never told you that I loved you You never told me that you were dying. Five easy words that would have shattered our world, 'I love you, I think’ 'I have a brain tumour’ You know, still to this day, I don’t know all the details Because medical jargon has never fit right in my mouth. And even now, five years later It feels like an invasion of your privacy But I do know I have poured over our conversations Searching for the secret message you certainly tried to send me And I am sorry, But I only almost found it. Salt water is not good for paper And my tears warped your words After some serious consideration I’ve decided to change my least favourite word Because while 'moist’ is gross, 'Malignant’ is malicious 'Malignant’ is uncontrollable It means a phone call and the phrase 'He didn’t wake up’ 'Malignant’ is messy and unfair and a thief 'Malignant’ means I never got to say goodbye 'Malignant’ is the cause of 'almost’ Because you were on the brink of something beautiful But you couldn’t quite reach it And you fell too far I am so sorry I wasn’t there to catch you. I hope your heaven is a library And I hope it is void of almosts. Te amo Daniel, sleep well

Reblog this if you slept with my ex-wife Susan.