Take A Walk With Me

A year later and nothing has changed. If anything, there are more problems and still no answers. We are still weeping at His feet. We are still hanging on to the assurance that He will do it.

01.30.24 | 7:10 PM

I wish I could bottle up this feeling

Full bellies, fuller hearts

Giggles fill the cold air

Tiny feet running free

Hot chocolate on an electric stove

Hangman and expo markers

I gathered all I could

Trying to hang on to this feeling

To this warmth

To this peace

To any evidence that you were here

That we laughed and played and painted and ate

I may not remember every detail of this day

But may I always remember this deep, full joy

The type of joy you wish you could bottle up

To save for a rainy day

01.22.23 | 6:45 PM

I listened back to my conversation with Jesus from August 25th, 2020. These are the things I laid at His feet:

Lack

Uncertainty

Trauma

Frustration

Fatigue

Today is August 27th, 2021. What God has done for me in the past year has been unbelievable. I’m still in the season of sowing. Harvest has not yet come but so much growth has already happened. He’s proven that His promises to me are yes and amen. Though my flesh still worries at times, it does so in a whisper. The spirit of peace the God has given me is the loud one now. It roars within me, giving me vision and hope for the future. God, I’m grateful. You’ve anointed me and given me favor. Your hand is upon me, upon this journey, and upon everything I do. God has done it and it is so so good. As I prepare for this final stretch, here’s what you’ve given me as my inheritance:

Provision

Confidence

Joy

Peace

Rest

I’m excited for where I’ll be August 2022. May I look back once more and see how faithful and great You are.

08.21.21 | 11:39 PM

06.05.21 | 8:32 AM

06.05.21 | 8:29 AM

Peace is truly a promise You keep. These days, I find myself running directly to You when anxiety and worry tries to consume my mind. Just the thought of being in Your presence brings me peace. Lord, I know You’re in control. I don’t know what’s to come. I don’t know how the dynamics of our home will change with him here. But I trust You. I don’t want this but if it’s Your will, let it be done. I won’t try to be in control. I’ll surrender this to You. I won’t make this bigger than it is. I’ll let you have Your way. And through it all, I ask for peace. Get me through this season as You’ve done in the past.

10.25.20 | 11:34 PM

Took this by mistake this morning. May it remind me of the early mornings and late nights. And may it have all been worth it.

08.24.20 | 7:32 PM

I hate that they get to continue living as if nothing happened. I hate that they still get to laugh and enjoy their lives. I hate that they get to dance and sing. I hate that life goes on for them while it stops for us. We have to walk around carrying the heavy burden their hate has placed on us. We are too full of pain to laugh. We are too tired to sing and dance. We can not continue living as if nothing happened. Because something did happen. Our brother was killed and it wasn’t even the first time. We can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. We can’t pretend all is well. We can’t pretend we aren’t scared. We can’t pretend that praying we won’t be next is enough. We can’t pretend it’s okay to live a life full of fear and worry. Black lives matter. Black livelihoods matter.

Photos are not mine.

05.31.20 | 1:25 AM

Sometime in early 2020, maybe February or March

05.04.20 | 12:23 AM

Tonight, I find myself so grateful for God’s grace. I smile knowing that despite my flaws, my Father still wants good things for me. He gives me what I do not deserve because He is a gracious God.

04.28.20 | 1:08 AM

03.11.20 | 5:24 PM

02.12.20 | 11:28 PM

Our lives are not our own. We do not live for ourselves. We are all under God’s authority and He has the final say. We can accept this and accept Him and submit our lives to Him or we can do the opposite. The choice is ours but it does not come without consequence. 

Nothing I go through, no one I come across is without purpose. All things come with a lesson and all things come with good. The lesson may be the only good and that is okay. 

There are days when the only thing I’ll need to do is survive. Those days should be embraced; I do not need to beat myself up over them. 

Life will pass me by if I let it. Do not dwell too much on the past. Make peace with it and leave it where it belongs. Do not be too eager for the future. Be hopeful for it but do not obsess over it. Live in the present moment and take it all in. 

Love is a mystery. It is beautiful but has the ability to break people. It is an action word; something to be felt and experienced not just simply said. But the saying is also very important because it confirms the action. Love is scary and there are a billion reasons to avoid it but we were created for it and thus it will always find us. The more I love, the more pain I am willing to feel but the more bliss I am allowing myself to experience. Love does not have to be tragic and defined by heartache; it can be pure and good and holy. 

Every material desire stems from a spiritual one. 

Feelings are valid and I should always allow myself to feel them. Suppressing my feelings will do me no good. They’ll just build up and eventually erupt out of me like a volcano. It’s okay to sit in my emotions for a while. It’s ok to take my time understanding how I feel and why. Feelings, however, do not control me. There will be times when I will have to acknowledge my feelings without acting on them. This does not make me weak. 

There is always improvement to be made but do not ever forget how much progress you’ve already made. Never stop growing but never stop reflecting as well. 

Lack of consideration for others does not necessarily make you a bad person but it makes you a bad friend. Consideration is not about how I want to be treated but how the other person wants to be treated. What is important to one person may not be important to the other but that does not make their desires irrelevant. 

Everyone will disappoint me in one way or another at one time or another. Life and relationships aren’t about finding the exceptions; they do not exist. They’re about choosing those who make the disappointments worth it; those who are worth fighting and sticking around for. 

I do not have to constantly tell anyone how to treat me. They know and they do not care. And that is okay. That’s their prerogative. 

Easy, slow mornings are a gift.

Life and death is in the power of the tongue. Be careful what you choose to give life to. 

Waking up every morning to do something I do not love and am not passionate about is a big dub. 

Death is inevitable but believing that it is also a choice gives me peace. Death comes when you’ve decided that what comes next is better than what is now. There’s a moment where you give up on this life and choose the next. I have no good reason for this belief outside of it giving me peace. 

Something about putting thoughts on paper is exhilarating and freeing. Never stop writing your story. 

My children should never suffer through the things I did. I am paying for the mistakes of others and it sucks and it’s painful. My decisions will impact generations to come and they will not experience the struggles I do. This is bigger and deeper than me so even when I feel like giving up, I remember that there is legacy and purpose attached to this. I’m doing it for them and that makes it worth it.

I do not have to have an opinion on everything. “I don’t know” is a valid response.

Written 01.30.2020 - 02.05.2020

1st message from May 28th, 2019 12:12 AM

To the friend who has always reminded me who I am and what I am capable of:

Thank you is not enough. Your words of support and encouragement have meant so much to me. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t know how to believe in myself.

1.22.2020 | 5:25 AM