meow

In sum, fall was a really rough time in my life. I was having doubts about my major, had just gotten a job and had no idea what I was doing, was trying to figure out my new responsibilities as a Jazzercise instructor, and was being pursued (HARDCORE) by this guy named David that I didn’t really know if I had feelings for or not. 

The one thing that pulled me through? My best friend Nick.

Nick is the best guy friend that a girl could ask for. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him. We spent 40+ hours each week working side-by-side. He saw me through two failed relationships. He talked me through so many pity parties. He gave me so much life advice when I was feeling doubts. Frankly, it’s a wonder that he could put up with me at all.

As much as I tried to deny it, I ended up having more than just friendly feelings towards Nick. The problem? He has a girlfriend, and she’s a super nice girl. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt either of them, but the feelings I had were strong and undeniable. The other day, I decided to just tell him. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good, either. I knew going in that I wouldn’t come out happy, but I had to be honest with him. He took it so well. He didn’t hate me, he didn’t make me feel like an idiot (even though I was pretty much pooping my pants). Basically, he told me that my timing sucked.

I think I feel good about telling him. It makes me feel strong, and I was glad to finally be honest with him. I don’t know if anything will change. At least now he knows. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen, and that could be getting over him and finding someone else. It just seems to me that he is here for a reason. 

David came into and out of my life because he was the catalyst for me breaking up with Tyler. Even though I knew things with Tyler weren’t going to work out in the end, I don’t think I would have had as much of a reason to break up with him had it not been for David showing me that there were guys out there who had way more in common with me. 

Nick has been there through everything. He’s my go-to guy. I remember seeing this quote when I was “with” David. It was something Bill Murray said about before marrying someone, travel the world with them and then see how you feel. Even though I was kind of trying to be with David, and I didn’t have a thing for Nick yet, I remember that all I could think of was Nick. We have been across the nation, even to London. Our job expects a lot from us, yet we get along so well still. There is no other person that I think I could do that with and not get irritated at all. He can read the back of my head. It all seems significant.

I don’t want to frame things, even though it’s hard not to. Maybe Nick is just in my life right now because I need someone; I need a friend. And not that I should overlook his friendship, either. He is the most caring guy that I’ve ever met. He’s incredibly valuable, thoughtful, caring. Everyone who has ever been around the two of us has told me “it’s evident that he really cares about you”. I don’t want to ignore all he has done as my friend. I just want to be more than that.

Life has been really confusing and overwhelming and probably the worst it has ever been.

Somehow, I’m happy today. I have been for a few days. I think it is because I realized this:

I’m going to just go through my life and stop trying too hard to make things happen. If things are supposed to happen, they will. I have full faith in that. There is no point in me trying to force anything in my life. It is a hopeless effort...one that I’ve been trying to go through the past few months, and I think that’s why I’ve been so unhappy. So here’s the thing. If I’m supposed to have feelings, they will come. I’m just going to do me.

Here’s what I know:

I love Mackenna and she is the best friend that I could ever have. I love John Denver. I love being a fitness instructor. I love taking adventures. I’m not “in band”, but that’s ok, because I have a job. And I’ve gotten a lot better at that job, and all that I can do is continue to do my best. I will be able to find a career suited for me. That may not be right after college, but I will find it someday.

What I want in someone, is someone who knows me. Someone who can read the back of my head. Someone who will support me without smothering me. Someone who recognizes my independence. Someone who is different enough that we can admire one another’s talents and passions, but who is similar enough to feel the same way about the important things. Someone who will protect me. Someone who I can take care of. Someone who will be a good dad. Someone who will go on adventures with me.

When things are right, I am confident that I will know. It will be clear.

Someday, when I have a husband, I will do absolutely everything I can to take care of him and love him. I want him to be a huge part of my life. And I want my feelings to be reflected in him--I want to know that he needs me in his life, too. It won’t work if I don’t feel that I’m making him happy.

I envy the people who live close to their significant other. Saying bye to Tyler tonight was the hardest it has ever been. It hasn’t sunken in yet that tomorrow I won’t have dinner with him, or go hang out in his room. I don’t even want to think of being on campus without him. 166 miles has never seemed so far. It’s not that I’m so dependent, it’s just that he’s one of my favorite people in the whole world. We’re just as much friends as we are boyfriend/girlfriend. He’s there to cheer me up, or calm me down when I’m frustrated about my job (which is often). And sometimes he frustrates me, too, but he always means well, and it mostly just ends up making me laugh. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the summer without him, but I can sleep better knowing that I don’t take time with him for granted, especially over the past couple of weeks. I hope he knows that, too.

The “Rubber Bowl”