I appreciate the sentiment(?) of people saying, "You're not your disorder!"
The problem is that I absolutely feel like I am, no matter what those people say.
My personality disorder is my personality. It is my life. I've never known anything else. My entire sense of self is based on this. The way I feel about and react to any given situation is based on this. The way I see the world and the people in it is based on this. The way I identify (gender/attraction/humanity-wise) is based on this.
I think this feeling is shared by a lot of neurodivergent people, especially people with DID, OSDD 1 (or 2, I guess), ASD, or any personality disorder.
I prefer when people say, "You're more than your disorder!"
Even if some of us do feel like we are our disorder in some way, it doesn't mean we're just a list of symptoms, and it doesn't mean we can't get better. Healing doesn't mean taking away what makes you you. It just means learning to live your life however you need to live it, and however makes you feel best.
You're not healing from yourself; you're just healing. You don't have to become something different.
I apologize if this doesn't make full sense, or my points don't seem all that connected. I'm pretty dissociated right now, and my thoughts are all soupy. Thanks for reading!
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Most frustrating AvPD symptom as of late is sharing my personal thoughts and interests with friends and then wanting to immediately hide, cry and die after the high of talking excitedly about them quickly passes.
Doesn't matter if and rarely do I get The Perfect Reaction (whatever the fuck that is, cause I certainly don't know) so that my panic is less intense. So, panic is always guaranteed.
I think I mask my inner turmoil quite efficiently and do a good job of keeping it to myself, but I simply can't be sure of that so I fear that I come off even weirder after the fact anyway!
do you guys also often delete your comments and posts and even accounts online? because I do it all the time. not on this blog specifically but in general? yes. I feel like it gets to a point where there's just too much information about me, my likes, dislikes, opinions floating about and I need it gone. even if it's not connected to me personally. but still. I really hate the idea of someone judging me over some dumb thing I said months or even days ago and don't want to be connected to me anymore
but I'm also hot headed and comment some rush thing and get into arguments from time to time and it's the worst omg. because then I'm mortified for receiving negativity and often just end up deleting and blocking everyone
Anyone wish for an ability to erase some things from your mind? Memories, knowledge of certain things, people etc.. I'd love that. I'd rather be ignorant on some things. I hate compulsively thinking of things I don't want to think about, like upsetting stuff.
why is it I like my face in the mirror even just woken up and with a bedhead but I hate how I look on any photo π«£ my mom never liked taking pictures of herself either and I guess we have a similar face structure
me after seeing myself in a picture: ughh ugly afff mug
me after looking in the mirror: hey it's not so bad after all
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just as I wrote recently about my mother having inappropriate emotional reactions she goes and does it again π that's a 50 year old woman btw. it's the weirdest thing watching your mom act childish/having emotional fits in front of her own mother.
is there any wonder I'm messed up? I don't even hate her anymore or anything. but thinking how some people should never be parents. including me (good thing I never wanted any then and I'm asexual)
I have a new idea for a poll. not to be taken entirely seriously just curious really. obviously a tumblr poll is not representative of anything but I like polls π«₯
This is intended for people with AVPD to answer.
What is your primary attachment style?
Secure
Anxious Preoccupied
Dismissive Avoidant
Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized
Not sure or none fit
Voting ended onAug 9
Avoidant personality disorder often gets mistaken with dismissive avoidant attachment by people who do zero research whatsoever and don't understand the difference.
If you don't immediately know which one you most relate to, you can do various quizzes online (there are ones that don't only measure romantic relationships but also family/friends, I recommend those). Or you can just read descriptions and see if any fit at all.
Attachment style theory is overtaken by pop psychology and people hating on their exes, making it into something it wasn't intended to be. So I don't know whether it's actually any useful or not. I put my own under the cut cause it's too long. It's also TMI maybe?
I get FA or Fearful Avoidant/Disorganized
on any test I take even though I struggle to actually relate to most descriptions on any type π Maybe because it's rare that I get close to anyone to that extent. My closest relationship is with my family and it was always ..troubled. I don't relate to any kind of violent trauma in childhood but I didn't feel very safe or loved if that counts. My father wasn't in the picture and mother.. I didn't like her, I didn't feel safe with her. Not because of abuse! Because she was unreliable emotionally, she could burst into tears or act childish and not like a parent should. There's one remark that I think was a joke.. but it cut deep back then. She said that she'd 'give me away for adoption' or something like that. My memory is so fuzzy that sometimes I wonder if I made that up because it's not like she'd admit that she said that.
I had intense separation anxiety until a certain age which you'd think would lead more towards an Anxious attachment? I was afraid I'd be abandoned, lost, left. But I don't seek out relationships, I'm not a people pleaser despite having Avpd and being afraid of being seen in a negative light. I don't put other's needs above my own most of the time.
I think I saw my grandmother as my mother instead of my actual mother. But.. it wasn't a feel good attachment either. We fought a lot. I don't even know why. I acted out a lot emotionally around her. I said some awful things. I can't explain it. I would get these bursts of hurt and needed someone else to feel bad too. I'd feel terrible after and would cry a lot. I have little control of my emotions still.
My bad behavior isn't explained by Avpd so I wonder if FA attachment has something to do with it..? Or something else idk.
I just read that some personality disorders like NPD and BPD have a designated awareness month. I googled if AVPD has one.. and it doesn't π₯² We require awareness even more because our disorder is practically obscure and often misdiagnosed and ignored even by therapists. It sucks so much that we are always ignored and invisible. This literally affects me because in my country there are practically no therapists specializing in the treatment of AVPD but I know some who treat BPD.
We need an AVPD awareness month! Anyone has any ideas? How do you even decide on something like this and make it official?
I dunno about how to make it official, but I would probably start with a fall month that lacks major group or family festivities. So maybe September? Since we're likely to feel things like pity if invited to events like Halloween or Christmas parties, or the loneliness of not being with others around these times. (Awareness during these months would probably be Hell if the people in your life knew/know.) December and January in particular have negative associations that I'd avoid, pun not intended, too. As well, the cooler weather of fall allows one to go out with more layers of clothing on to hide in or to be less noticable in while still being nice enough weather to go out and to experience things in.
I assume some of the goal of spreading awareness or a result of it would involve people trying harder to get us to do more social outings and such. So "hey come to mall with me/us before the Black Friday chaos" is infinitely preferable to "hey come to the Halloween party where the horde of your family/coworkers/random group of people that you will be standing in the corner far away from will be".
I like the idea of it being a month where there aren't a lot of big gatherings happening.
Very selfishly, I want to propose a winter month (because I love winter). January maybe. Everyone is tired from holidays and new years so no one is wanting to do big parties or anything. Maybe just low key things.
But honestly I'm okay with anything, it's nice to be acknowledged (but maybe not perceived lol)
I do think I'm rooting for September here. It just kind of makes sense in my head. While I do like the January idea of people being tired and not wanting to do much, that's also sort of a problem with it. I think September is more of a middle ground where people aren't too tired to do things but aren't gonna be going crazy with events and stuff.
Plus, I kind of like the order of the awareness months if it's September. BPD is May, NPD is July, and AvPD would be September, so every other month. (I know that's silly reasoning, but it's a nice little bonus.)
I forgot about this to be honest but here we go. not a lot of votes unfortunately but! September sounds like a good option to me π obviously unofficial and all that
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