im watching u hmmmm

During chimera ant arc, Killua kept on doubting if he was worthy to stay by Gon’s side. We saw him struggle countless times with the idea that he had to “earn” his place next to Gon because he’s not worthy of staying by him.

And at one moment, when they’re about to confront Pitou, Killua almost lets his emotions overflow. He barely stops himself from asking Gon what Killua means to him. He can barely contain his need to ask if Gon only sees him as a teammate, as a person he’s on a mission with, and not as his friend anymore.

Killua’s self-doubt made him believe that Gon putting distance between them meant he didn’t see him as a friend anymore. Killua was scared that Gon only saw him as a teammate. 

And when they part, Gon unknowingly confirmed those doubts.

It’s better explained in this post, but the word Gon uses to refer to Killua is  仲間, “nakama”, which means someone you’re associated with through your mutual connections, whether it be people or work. It represents someone with whom you share a mutual goal. You can still be friends with your nakama, but you can also be a nakama to someone you’re not friends with. I’m quoting this article here : “Unlike tomodachi, nakama don’t necessarily like each other or want to hang out with each other. For nakama, the friendship that binds them comes from having common goals and values rather than enjoying each other’s company.”

Gon and Killua always referred to each other as friends since the beginning of the manga. The first goal Killua ever mentions having is to be Gon’s friend, Gon’s “tomodachi”. 

To be always reassured that they’re friends, and even BEST FRIENDS, only to sort of “downgrade” to a mere “nakama”, completely removing the emotional layer that Killua so desperately needs after the events of CAA hurt him deeply. Gon went from calling him his best friend in the entire world in Greed Island (”ore no saiko no tomodachi datte”) to saying they’re nakama before they part. 

With Killua’s constant self-doubt and insecurities about how Gon sees him, it’s clear that when Gon decided to call him his “nakama”, he only saw the negative interpretation of the word : they’re just teammates. People who work together, who share a goal, without that deeper emotional bond.

I emphasized the fact that Gon unknowingly fueled Killua’s insecurities, because the way Gon sees it, Killua is leaving him because he found his goal. Killua said he’d stay with Gon “until he found something he wants to do”, and now he did, so it makes sense he’s leaving, even though it breaks Gon’s heart. It’s what they always agreed on, that Killua would stay until he found a goal. 

The way Gon sees it, with Killua initiating separation and emphasizing that he’s ready to spend his entire life protecting Alluka, it’s Killua cutting ties with him. It’s Killua moving on. And Gon is glad he finally found a goal, but he can’t help but be extremely sad at the prospect of Killua leaving his side.

On top of that, Gon feels extreme guilt towards what happened during the Palace Invasion. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he blames his actions for Killua leaving him, and if he thought that Killua didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.

To me, Gon using the word 仲間 “nakama” instead of 友達 “tomodachi” is him not wanting to be overbearing towards Killua. It’s him wanting to give Killua that freedom to leave, not wanting to force ties between them if he doesn’t want any, but still letting him know that he’ll be there if he needs him. It’s him giving Killua some space because he thinks he hurt him. They don’t have to be friends anymore if Killua doesn’t want to, but Gon will always be here for him. Even if Killua doesn’t want to stay friends, they’re teammates. They’re nakama.

But that was the absolute WORST choice of words Gon could’ve chosen. Killua feared Gon only saw him as a teammate, and when they part, Gon basically tells him “we’ll always be teammates”, completely breaking Killua because there it was. Those words. Those words he feared. That affirmation that Gon only saw him as a teammate. 

And to me, that’s one of the main reasons Killua looks so sad here.

Gon just confirmed those doubts and insecurities that were burning him from the inside out for a while. He confirmed what he feared : that he doesn’t see him as a friend, but as a teammate. 

special angsty bonus : there’s also the possibility that Togashi purposefully cut off Gon’s sentence when they part as to keep it relatively ambiguous to make Killua misinterpret his words and comfort him even more in his belief that he doesn’t consider as a friend anymore :

the second and last panel can definitely be considered as ambiguous - and i know a lot of people in the fandom are confused about what Gon was gonna say, i wrote a post explaining it here, but i think it’s purposefully ambiguous for one reason : so we can see both Gon and Killua’s point of view. 

Gon is sad to leave Killua, he doesn’t want him to go, so he wants to tell him that if he stays any longer, he won’t be able to let Killua go. 

But the sentence is cut, which is something Gon NEVER does, he ALWAYS says what’s on his mind, which is why I believe Togashi cut it on purpose to keep it ambiguous. Because, in the original japanese, it says “Kore ijou itara…” which translates to “If i stay here longer…”

It basically means that if Gon or Killua stay here any longer, something will happen. Gon means that if he stays any longer, he won’t be able to let Killua leave. 

What Killua hears is probably different. Ging is waiting on top of the World Tree, he’s right there, waiting for Gon. Gon is probably eager to meet him. Killua is no one compared to Ging. Gon probably cares more about Ging than Killua.

So I wouldn’t be surprised if, because of his pent-up insecurities, what Killua interpreted from this cut-sentence was “If we stay here any longer, Ging might get impatient.”

In short : Killua got hurt extremely badly during the separation scene, because to him, not only did Gon confirm his suspicions that he’s only a teammate to him, but he also implied that he’d rather hurry up so he could meet Ging.

Neither of them wanted to leave the other and had insecurities about how the other saw them, and yet, they managed to wound each other deeply. Killua hurt Gon by leaving him because he found a new goal more important than him and by making him believe he didn’t want to be associated with him anymore, while Gon hurt Killua by making him think he only sees him as a teammate and that he’d rather be with Ging than with him.

Gon’s worst fear was abandonment, Killua’s was not being considered a friend. And they both unknowingly fueled those fears.

The separation scene was a complete trainwreck of mutual heartbreak.

I think everyone in the fandom was a bit confused when Killua blurted out of nowhere to Ikalgo that “I won’t say thank you next time something like this happens”. I know I was left a bit confused as to where that came from. Sure, Killua’s point stands, friends shouldn’t need to thank other friends because it’s normal to help each other. But why did Killua create this “i don’t thank my friends” rule seemingly out of nowhere, and if he doesn’t thank his friends, why did Killua thank Gon before parting ?

To me, it has to do with his sense of self and his feelings of unworthiness to stay by Gon’s side.

I wanted to explain my take on this matter, so if you’re interested, enjoy your read !

EDIT: hi, once again, my past comes back to haunt me….. i wrote this meta post a while ago and i don’t really agree with what i wrote anymore. i feel like the main reason Killua thanked Gon was because he felt like they weren’t friends anymore, because he doubted his place next to him and felt like Gon didn’t consider him as a friend. I wrote a post about this so I invite you to read it if you’re interested, but basically, Killua feared Gon only saw him as a teammate, as an acquaintance. But he still wanted to thank him for everything he did for him before parting, and technically speaking, if Gon doesn’t consider him a friend, then he could thank him while still not breaking his rule…So in my opinion, Killua thanks Gon because he thinks Gon doesn’t consider him as a friend, so he’s not breaking his rule while still expressing the gratitude he needed to express.

With that being said, if you’re still interested in my old pov on this subject, then enjoy your read! But please take everything I say below with a grain of salt, because like I said, I feel like this is not the real reason Killua thanked Gon before parting.

The raws can be found on @bluecatkate‘s blog or on @butai-downloads here on tumblr. It’s also available on Tenimyutopia on LJ. (You have to join the community first, though. If you’re having trouble joining, shoot me an ask and I’ll help.) 

Winners and Losers is also on the way so, please stay tuned!

Usual rules apply. 

Subs and notes under the cut. Enjoy~

the thing is, you don’t get over ten years of abuse in a few months.

since the beginning of the manga, Izuku flinches whenever he’s in the same room as Bakugou. he admires Bakugou’s determination, yes, but that doesn’t make all those years of being bullied, abused, and put down any less traumatizing.

like. i love Bakugou. everyone knows i love Bakugou. i’ve probably written a short book’s length worth of meta about him and his character growth and development and where i think he’ll go in the future. but Bakugou seriously fucked up with Izuku. he emotionally and physically abused this kid for ten years–Izuku is 15. that’s over half his life. 

Izuku has been abused for longer then he hasn’t.

Bakugou literally tells Izuku he should just commit suicide. and it is 100% not treated as a joke. 

1) you should never joke about suicide, and 2) what the fuck. this is the kind of shit Izuku has put up with for his entire life. even the first page of the first chapter, we’re introduced to little Bakugou beating up little Izuku.

Bakugou just walks by and Izuku is scared out of his mind and shaking. Izuku even says that he’s gotten used to cowering before Bakugou. he’s been conditioned to do this.

just look at what his mental picture of Bakugou is

poor boy is terrified. and it doesn’t end there.

again, because of Bakugou, Izuku is shaking. Bakugou isn’t even in the room, but Izuku knows that Bakugou will immediately attack him.

hell, Izuku even outright admits that he hates Bakugou. he admires him, yes. but that doesn’t nullify the many, many different ways Bakugou has made Izuku feel like he’s worthless (which includes calling him the name “Deku”).

Izuku gets a little better around Bakugou after this, since Bakugou doesn’t do much to him since the Heroes vs. Villains training exam. Bakugou would rather avoid him than interact with him, which is a relief for Izuku.

but again, ten years of emotional and physical abuse doesn’t just disappear after a few months of relative peace.

hell, this one isn’t even directed at Izuku and he’s still shaking because of Bakugou’s tone of voice.

that shit stays with you. there is a reason Izuku is so shy and hesitant, and it’s largely due to Bakugou bullying him and shooting him down constantly. thanks to All Might and his time at UA tho, Izuku’s confidence is growing, but when it come to Bakugou… it’s still very complicated. 

antipathy: a deep-seated feeling of dislike; aversion.

Izuku wants to beat Bakugou and is very inspired by him, but he’s still largely scared of him. and he really does hate Bakugou. it’s mentioned more than once.

the difference is that Izuku likes avoid conflict unless it’s necessary. 

and god. i love Bakugou. i love him so much ok. but i refuse to ignore all the shit he did to Izuku. 

Izuku is just walking by and Bakugou screams a death threat at him and Izuku tries to get the fuck outta there as fast as possible.

while i’m certain most of Bakugou’s threats are hyperbolic at best, it’s still feels incredibly horrible to have stuff like that thrown at you.

Bakugou addresses Izuku here, and first flinches. then Bakugou moves forward SLIGHTLY and Izuku BACKS AWAY. Bakugou isn’t even close to him right now, he’s all the way across the room. but Izuku still flinches and backs away.

there are several things i wanna point out here. 

Izuku is stuttering. like. consistently, he is stuttering, because he’s scared of Bakugou’s reaction, even tho he knows he has to do this in order to pass the test. he has to do this, but he really, really, REALLY does not want to.

second, Izuku mentions that when dealing with Bakugou, everything he thinks is bad about himself comes back to him. his self confidence drops. again, this is directly due to all those years of abuse and bullying by Bakugou. i’m sure any time Izuku contradicted something Bakugou said, or tried to get him to do anything, he reacted with violence and jeers. which leads to…..

god, this whole scene. 

Izuku isn’t even doing anything. he’s asking Bakugou to cooperate with him in order to pass the test. but he implies one thing that sets Bakugou off (that he can’t beat someone, as in, he’s not strong enough to do so) and Bakugou fucking attacks him. he HITS HIM IN THE FACE WITH HIS GRANDE THING.

i don’t care why Bakugou did this, it was totally uncalled for. that was just absolutely uncalled for. which was the point of the scene. to show just how uncalled for this action was, because Bakugou’s a goddamn bundle of emotional issues and a damn good chunk of them are centered around Izuku.

Bakugou gets better after this fight, thank goodness. he was forced to put aside his pride and work with Izuku to win. the narrative is slowly, but surely, chipping away at his pride and his negative behavior. every time Bakugou does something bad, the narrative punishes him for it, and rewards him whenever he does something good. 

Bakugou is getting better. i’ve written so much meta about this that it’s ridiculous. that doesn’t excuse everything he did in the past, however. but hitting Izuku with his grenade arm thing was the worst thing he’s done since the Heroes vs. Villains exam. after this, he pretty much leaves Izuku alone.

Bakugou has a lot of complicated emotional issues that fuel a lot of his behavior, but as the series progresses, he’s gotten better with how he handles them. 

this is the first time Bakugou addresses Izuku since the whole kidnapping thing. Izuku still looks a little freaked out and nervous. not as much as he would’ve been before, but it’s still there.

it’s because Bakugou hasn’t been picking on him lately, and Izuku even notes this. not since the Kamino incident, which is when Bakugou gets his first inkling of understanding about the situation between All Might and Izuku.

in fact, when it comes to that issue, Bakugou is always calm.

Bakugou is always calm whenever this issue is brought up. in fact, he’s the most calm we’ve ever seen in the series whenever this issue comes up.

(…. also i just realized the combo of pics above would make a nice graphic. but anyway)

Bakugou isn’t yelling. he isn’t raging. he doesn’t even seem particularly annoyed. no, he’s just…. calm. maybe a little pensive and contemplative. but no violently loud or angry emotions are shown anywhere, which is remarkable given the kind of person Bakugou is.

so Bakugou is getting better… he’s realizing some things about Izuku. some things about Izuku’s relationship with All Might. he’s finding out about a lot of things, and a lot has changed in his attitude because of it.

however, Izuku still flinches when Bakugou calls him in the second to last panel. again, Bakugou is calm throughout all this. yet Bakugou calling him still causes that momentary reaction. 

Bakugou is growing and improving and becoming a better person, but Izuku has been abused and bullied by him for over half his life. he hates Bakugou. it’s going to take much, MUCH longer than a few months of peace and quiet for Izuku to not react with fear towards him. 

it’s going to take a lot of work, and teamwork, and patience, and a damn fucking good apology from Bakugou. it’s going to take years before this conditioned behavior finally goes away, if it goes away at all.

the thing is, you don’t get over ten years of abuse in a few months.

since the beginning of the manga, Izuku flinches whenever he’s in the same room as Bakugou. he admires Bakugou’s determination, yes, but that doesn’t make all those years of being bullied, abused, and put down any less traumatizing.

like. i love Bakugou. everyone knows i love Bakugou. i’ve probably written a short book’s length worth of meta about him and his character growth and development and where i think he’ll go in the future. but Bakugou seriously fucked up with Izuku. he emotionally and physically abused this kid for ten years–Izuku is 15. that’s over half his life. 

Izuku has been abused for longer then he hasn’t.

Bakugou literally tells Izuku he should just commit suicide. and it is 100% not treated as a joke. 

1) you should never joke about suicide, and 2) what the fuck. this is the kind of shit Izuku has put up with for his entire life. even the first page of the first chapter, we’re introduced to little Bakugou beating up little Izuku.

Bakugou just walks by and Izuku is scared out of his mind and shaking. Izuku even says that he’s gotten used to cowering before Bakugou. he’s been conditioned to do this.

just look at what his mental picture of Bakugou is

poor boy is terrified. and it doesn’t end there.

again, because of Bakugou, Izuku is shaking. Bakugou isn’t even in the room, but Izuku knows that Bakugou will immediately attack him.

hell, Izuku even outright admits that he hates Bakugou. he admires him, yes. but that doesn’t nullify the many, many different ways Bakugou has made Izuku feel like he’s worthless (which includes calling him the name “Deku”).

Izuku gets a little better around Bakugou after this, since Bakugou doesn’t do much to him since the Heroes vs. Villains training exam. Bakugou would rather avoid him than interact with him, which is a relief for Izuku.

but again, ten years of emotional and physical abuse doesn’t just disappear after a few months of relative peace.

hell, this one isn’t even directed at Izuku and he’s still shaking because of Bakugou’s tone of voice.

that shit stays with you. there is a reason Izuku is so shy and hesitant, and it’s largely due to Bakugou bullying him and shooting him down constantly. thanks to All Might and his time at UA tho, Izuku’s confidence is growing, but when it come to Bakugou… it’s still very complicated. 

antipathy: a deep-seated feeling of dislike; aversion.

Izuku wants to beat Bakugou and is very inspired by him, but he’s still largely scared of him. and he really does hate Bakugou. it’s mentioned more than once.

the difference is that Izuku likes avoid conflict unless it’s necessary. 

and god. i love Bakugou. i love him so much ok. but i refuse to ignore all the shit he did to Izuku. 

Izuku is just walking by and Bakugou screams a death threat at him and Izuku tries to get the fuck outta there as fast as possible.

while i’m certain most of Bakugou’s threats are hyperbolic at best, it’s still feels incredibly horrible to have stuff like that thrown at you.

Bakugou addresses Izuku here, and first flinches. then Bakugou moves forward SLIGHTLY and Izuku BACKS AWAY. Bakugou isn’t even close to him right now, he’s all the way across the room. but Izuku still flinches and backs away.

there are several things i wanna point out here. 

Izuku is stuttering. like. consistently, he is stuttering, because he’s scared of Bakugou’s reaction, even tho he knows he has to do this in order to pass the test. he has to do this, but he really, really, REALLY does not want to.

second, Izuku mentions that when dealing with Bakugou, everything he thinks is bad about himself comes back to him. his self confidence drops. again, this is directly due to all those years of abuse and bullying by Bakugou. i’m sure any time Izuku contradicted something Bakugou said, or tried to get him to do anything, he reacted with violence and jeers. which leads to…..

god, this whole scene. 

Izuku isn’t even doing anything. he’s asking Bakugou to cooperate with him in order to pass the test. but he implies one thing that sets Bakugou off (that he can’t beat someone, as in, he’s not strong enough to do so) and Bakugou fucking attacks him. he HITS HIM IN THE FACE WITH HIS GRANDE THING.

i don’t care why Bakugou did this, it was totally uncalled for. that was just absolutely uncalled for. which was the point of the scene. to show just how uncalled for this action was, because Bakugou’s a goddamn bundle of emotional issues and a damn good chunk of them are centered around Izuku.

Bakugou gets better after this fight, thank goodness. he was forced to put aside his pride and work with Izuku to win. the narrative is slowly, but surely, chipping away at his pride and his negative behavior. every time Bakugou does something bad, the narrative punishes him for it, and rewards him whenever he does something good. 

Bakugou is getting better. i’ve written so much meta about this that it’s ridiculous. that doesn’t excuse everything he did in the past, however. but hitting Izuku with his grenade arm thing was the worst thing he’s done since the Heroes vs. Villains exam. after this, he pretty much leaves Izuku alone.

Bakugou has a lot of complicated emotional issues that fuel a lot of his behavior, but as the series progresses, he’s gotten better with how he handles them. 

this is the first time Bakugou addresses Izuku since the whole kidnapping thing. Izuku still looks a little freaked out and nervous. not as much as he would’ve been before, but it’s still there.

it’s because Bakugou hasn’t been picking on him lately, and Izuku even notes this. not since the Kamino incident, which is when Bakugou gets his first inkling of understanding about the situation between All Might and Izuku.

in fact, when it comes to that issue, Bakugou is always calm.

Bakugou is always calm whenever this issue is brought up. in fact, he’s the most calm we’ve ever seen in the series whenever this issue comes up.

(…. also i just realized the combo of pics above would make a nice graphic. but anyway)

Bakugou isn’t yelling. he isn’t raging. he doesn’t even seem particularly annoyed. no, he’s just…. calm. maybe a little pensive and contemplative. but no violently loud or angry emotions are shown anywhere, which is remarkable given the kind of person Bakugou is.

so Bakugou is getting better… he’s realizing some things about Izuku. some things about Izuku’s relationship with All Might. he’s finding out about a lot of things, and a lot has changed in his attitude because of it.

however, Izuku still flinches when Bakugou calls him in the second to last panel. again, Bakugou is calm throughout all this. yet Bakugou calling him still causes that momentary reaction. 

Bakugou is growing and improving and becoming a better person, but Izuku has been abused and bullied by him for over half his life. he hates Bakugou. it’s going to take much, MUCH longer than a few months of peace and quiet for Izuku to not react with fear towards him. 

it’s going to take a lot of work, and teamwork, and patience, and a damn fucking good apology from Bakugou. it’s going to take years before this conditioned behavior finally goes away, if it goes away at all.

Thank you so much @nemesisfall for drawing this.

I’m HEALED

Franky’s face tho.

Mmmmmmmm

I don’t really know how to phrase this. Am I angry? Am I disappointed? Or perhaps is it a mixture of both?

Noblesse still has many, many ambiguous points that could have been clarified or elaborated on. Not to mention the numerous plot holes that had been reoccurring every now and then.

This took me by surprise at first. I expected a more elaborate boss, e.g. Rai’s brother or Tesamu. Instead, I got two nuclear weapons. Mindblown.

Even if they were not going to be the final boss, I think is it completely logical for the authors to at least give a proper explanation on the whereabouts of these characters.

What about M-21’s name? Rai’s past? The trio’s past? Even maybe explain why we have never seen the mothers of nobles?

The authors could have given an honest shot at the ending this series. To me, it seemed very rush, as if the authors were just hurrying to finish it.

Overall, it pains me to see such a masterpiece being destroyed by an abrupt and disorganized ending. This feeling does not heavily relate to the death of any characters; rather, it lies within the flaws of the plot organization itself. There were many, many bits and pieces that are capable of being improved.

What hurts me even more is the fact that I know I will never be able to love another manhwa with the same level of passion as I have for Noblesse. Seeing it going down in flames is just not helpful at all.

As for my part in the fandom, I feel like I am too depressed at the moment to create art in the long term. It may gradually get better as I slowly digest this horrible fact, but I doubt I will ever dedicate as much as I did in the past. I’ll still stick around and make things periodically, but it just won’t be the same for me.

I want to love this manhwa. At the point, I am trying very hard to convince myself that I love it as much as I did before. I don’t want to quit the fandom — Noblesse is my home. Unfortunately this is not the case anymore.

That’s pretty much what I have to say. I’m done with my rambling

R.I.P the former masterpiece.