☿

Does a cow have Buddha nature?

"We can skip the introductions," said the demon, "I've seen this dozens of times: Some uppity church-type who thinks that piety can outmatch raw supernatural malevolence. Y'know, I keep a tally of how long it takes each of you to realise the hard way that your gods don't love you." The acolyte said nothing, they only pulled out a small card. The demon raised an eyebrow. The acolyte read aloud: "For this be the rite I confer unto thee, that ye shalt know it, and know it in your heart." The demon cackled. "Oh! Oh no! Oh no please don't tell me: You haven't even memorised it? Oh, this is going to be fun." The acolyte continued. "Firstly, thou shalt ascertain that evil be present, for my rite shall not be levied upon the undeserving." The acolyte's eyes flicked up from the card to the demon. "Guilty as charged," said the demon, their words dripping with sardonicism. "Thou shalt ready my holy symbol, and know that it be my gift unto ye, the embodiment of my loving aegis." "Ready away," said the demon, "I want to know who I'll be sending you to." The acolyte readied the holy symbol. "Um," said the demon, "that- that's a new one." "And thou shalt recite the mantra, and feel mine power working through you." "Which church is-" the demon began. "Woe," intoned the acolyte, "shotgun unto ye." Several things happen almost, but not quite, simultaneously: The demon's mouth formed the seed of the beginning of a word: "—" The acolyte pulled the trigger of the holy symbol. The holy symbol made a loud noise, and gave its blessings. Several dozen chunks of the demon's face spontaneously became dissatisfied with their current living arrangments, and went to explore alternative solutions in, on, and around, various parts of the room. Then, there was a pause. The acolyte removed the ear plugs they'd been wearing. And the acolyte read the last text on the card: "And though my flock shalt know the rite by heart, they shalt yet read these steps aloud, for that which I bid thee do, I bid thee do right, that it need not be done a second time." The acolyte's focus shifted from the card to the twitching remains of the demon, and they added: "Bitch."

"What do you think of this poem?" "It's okay." "Hah! It was written by an AI! That means y-" "If someone shits diamonds, I'd credit their diet, not their guts."

Imagine inventing fish: "I made a new kind of puppy!" "What flavour is it?" "Ocean!"

Dreamt it was my first day at uni. Ended up sitting next to a woman who concluded our conversation by lighting a cigarette (she didn't smoke) just to stub it out on my arm, then shoulder-threw me off of my chair.

Was Frankenstein's Creation modern literature's first black-pill incel? In this essay I will

I made a post about whales like 10 years ago and I can remember the shape of what I said, but not what I actually wrote, and tumblr's facsimile of a search system is no help at all

My love for you is like this bug I found: I don't really know what it actually is, I feel self-conscious showing it to you, it's kinda gross, I'm not sure why it hasn't flown away, and I think I'd prefer if it did.

Me, trying desperately to translate my stand-up routine after somehow having ended up performing in front of a crowd of higher-dimensional being: "So, uh. This, um. Entity, ambulates into a public house. And then, they, uh, let out an expression pain and surprise." "..." "Heh, yeah. Um, then a, uh, domesticated quadruped enters. And the, uh, patron of the establishment inquires, um, about the reason behind the noticeable protrusion of its primary sensory appendage. And it explains that it had that quality from the first moment of its creation." "..." "Uh. So. Beings whose Fourier transformation resolves to an even cardinality excrete their binding dimensional-resins like this 'Eh. Eh. Eh.', but beings whose Fourier transformation resolves to an odd-" *I am disassembled into my constituent quarks, and their pattern is archived. My performance is awarded two stars. Now orbiting a trinary-system, Earth's atmosphere is boiled away.*

Stereotypical teen voice: "Wow. Another boring Tuesday. It sure is a shame I don't have something more interesting to do than study and floss." *Takes out phone.* I'm going to play a violent video game! Beep boop beep boop. Well gee willickers! The end-credits mega-punched all my hitpoints and game-overed all of my pacmans! This makes me want to do violence in the real world! And also shoplift an illegal drug! And then encourage my friends to smoke it, whilst disrespecting the elderly!