hsifyllej a saw i hsiw i

drinking cement

been so empty lately

flights i take

aren’t one way enough

round tripping back to misery

yesterdays always a memory

i can’t

i have control of my lack of control

and being lost

if i wrote it all out

it’ll cement it all

anchor me down

unravel the orchestrated whimsy

what goods a compass if i yearn to be lost?

every night turns into morning with me wide awake

you’re out of reach

i’m out of touch

with reality

with myself

the empty embrace of nicotine

reminds me of nights we would take turns smoking

after making love

after staring into each others eyes

i promised you forever

and i’ll keep that promise

you’re the first and last thing on my mind

you’re present at every cycle of me slipping in and out of consciousness

it’s painful but it’s what i chose

i wonder if this is why people turn to numbing themselves

but i like the rawness of consequence

it might be something you never learn

so i’ll endure for both of us

i’ll no longer plan or hope or expect

i’ll exist in the empty vacuum

can be so exhausting

i thought i’d have it all figured out by now

i was happier 10 years ago

when i had less