their win is not my loss

&&. biography ⋆ connections ⋆ pinterest ⋆ playlist ⋆ musings

avery continued to circle around slowly, taking in the new environment with wary eyes. like a fish out of water, they longed to be back somewhere they felt more comfortable, where everything made sense to them and they knew exactly how things would play out. he liked routine, structure, and knowing what to expect. “ you don’t know that, what if someone, like, booby trapped their –– ” his eyes travelled, looking for an example, “ are those cowboy boot sandals ?? who would buy those ?? ” they shoved their hands into their pockets, trailing behind madelynn as they tried to pretend that they were scouring the rails with interest. truly, though, they might as well have been blindfolded, there wasn’t a single braincell rattling around in his scull that knew what to look for. “ oh, uuh –– ” it was hard to fight off the nervousness that came with her looking him over, despite how much he trusted her. it was habit, in his nature to shy away from any and all attention; spending so much of his childhood being overlooked meant that they had no idea how to act when the focus was on him, not one of his brothers. “ my supervisor said it’s smart casual. like, how unhelpful is that ?? what does that even mean ?? ”

still completely out of their depth, but wanting to at least make an attempt at chivalry, avery fell into step next to her obediently. he had always been just a little too eager to please, slightly to quick to push his own needs aside in order to help someone else. “ google is my best friend, she’s always there for me. ” he hesitated slightly at the threshold of her apartment, “ uh, do you want me to take my shoes off ?? ” politeness that had never left him, no matter how comfortable he got around someone. “ oh god, putting me on the spot here. i’m not really a joke person, just on the fly dumb puns. ” they rubbed the back of their neck, suddenly feeling the self consciousness and shyness they had been fighting to keep at bay since her arrival on his doorstep. “ uuuhh –– okay, what did the grape say when it got crushed ?? ”

“ nah, you’d definitely understand more than you think !! ” avery enthused, bouncing on his toes slightly, filled to the brim with nerdy excitement, “ dr. chanda prescod-weinstein, she’s amazing. ” their tone was clearly laden with admiration, “ it’s not strictly a book about astrophysics, she talks a lot about the field as a whole and her experiences with sexism and racism. did you know there are fewer than one hundred black american women with a phd in physics ?? this book is so awesome, i’ll lend it to you once i’m done, if you like !! so long as you don’t mind all the highlighting and scribbles in the margins. ” it was rare that avery spoke so much at once, usually so bogged down with trying to find the perfect words to say that he ended up not saying much at all, but when particularly inspired it appeared that they did in fact have a tendency to ramble. “ oh, you did ?? that’s amazing, i’m so happy for you !! how do you feel ?? ”

avery’s eyes scanned over the extensive menu, acting as if he hadn’t decided exactly what he was going to order before they even arrived. it served to fill what he was certain constituted as an awkward silence, even if realistically it was only a natural lull in conversation between two people who hadn’t really spoken in years. they had bumped into mia ( literally, their nose stuck in a book again ) that morning, blurting out an invitation to hang out before their brain even really processed what their mouth was saying. “ do you remember that diner a few blocks over from my family’s place ?? i think the milkshakes here actually compete with theirs. ” in avery’s mind, the diner they were currently seated in was the clear victor, if only because it wasn’t tied to the less than happy memories of his childhood, but he decided to withhold that judgement. he found it best not to dwell on the past, even if a figure from it was seated in the booth opposite him. at least mia had been one of the few people immune to his brothers’ bullshit though, he had always admired her for that. “ you could even say they’re legen-dairy. ”

avery wasn’t bad at cooking, they had been self sufficient for long enough to have picked up enough skills to get by, but baking was much more his style. it spoke to his scientific nature –– everything had to be exact and precise, accurately measured and added into the mixture at the correct times, placed into an oven at the correct temperature for the perfect amount of time. so when a rare pang of homesickness hit, it had brought him straight to the kitchen on a quest to recreate a black and white cookie. the chocolate icing had just about set when they heard the front door open and close, a telltale sign that their roommate was home. “ chiba !! come taste these, what do you think ?? ”

seemingly endless rails of hangers stretched out ahead of him, all sporting such different garments that he had no idea where to even start. they had never had an eye for fashion, never really caring how he presented themselves, and as such had never properly learned how to dress. with an academic conference coming up, bringing with it an opportunity to present his thesis proposal to a room full of people he admired, he knew his wardrobe needed a slight upgrade for the occasion. “ you might have to guide me around like a roomba, this is not my natural habitat. ” they called over his shoulder to madelynn, already afraid they might lose her amongst the rails. gratitude that she had agreed to help them swelled in their chest again as they tossed her a nervous grin before moving his eyes back to taking in the surroundings. “ the last time i was this afraid of a room full of clothes, the closet was a little more metaphorical. ”

a snort of derision left his mouth before he could catch it, affectionate amusement dancing within his eyes as he matched his stride with theirs, “ you had me fooled, clearly, and now i’m in too deep. trapped !! rollo’s gonna be my favourite from now on, you’ve lost your spot. ” they hoped that the joke in their tone was obvious, that their friendship was strong enough that sparrow knew that they were clearly joking. they were one of his favourite people, not just in roswell but just in general, and he hoped that they were confident in that knowledge. “ i’m definitely an alfred, someone’s gotta buy all your emo black eyeliner and make sure you drink enough water between crime-fighting missions. i’m more than up for the job, overqualified even. ” walking arm in arm like this was slightly awkward, his long, uncoordinated limbs struggling to match pace with sparrow’s, but they were committed to the bit, at least until they were out of view of the oceanarium. if he stumbled slightly, he supposed that it only added to the effect. “ what can i say, i’m predictable. ” they let go of sparrow as soon as they extracted themselves from the hold, not at all offended by the response. physical affection had never been a staple of their friendship and they prioritised both of their comfort above all else, hands moving to rest within the pockets of his jeans as he stepped sideways almost imperceptibly, putting what he hoped was a comfortable amount of space between them. “ you mean there’s someone else fighting me for that title ?! damn, i’m losing my touch. ” they pretended to think for a moment, as if the option to decline actually existed. “ i’ll come, but you owe me a pretzel. it’s the least you can do if i’m gonna be your human step ladder. and one of those big, soft ones too, not a tiny hard one you’ll steal from the bar, i know your tricks. ” he tried to keep his brows from furrowing slightly at the prospect of a concert, sweaty people pressed around him on all sides, the smell of stale beer and cigarette stained breath permeating the thick air. it was enough to make him shudder, but testing the reaches of their comfort zone was one of the benefits of their friendship with sparrow, experiencing new experiences and environments that they would never be brave enough to try alone.

“ definitely !! i’ll have to learn to shoot a bow and arrow and rock a crop top so i can be your sidekick. ” laughter punctuated his words, glad that for once they were able to actually understand and make a pop culture reference. it was a rare pleasure, as most of the time they were completely bewildered when people alluded to movies or tv shows. “ i can see it, though maybe not so much the dark past. not sure if i can rock gabrielle’s outfit so much, either, but i’d do my best. ” her next words elicited another bout of laughter, “ exactly my point !! evil would never suit you. ” he leaned forwards against the bar to put his order in, turning to her when he was done, “ whatever you want, it’s on me. the least i could do towards your fight against evil. ”

avery’s head nods almost without his volition, agreeing with her before even processing her words. “ yeah, how difficult can it be ?? plus, it’s situations like this that the internet is for. ” mock offence spread across their face as they gasped with feigned distress, “ hiding ?! i never hide my talent for puns, i’m hurt you clearly haven’t found any of them funny until now. i’ll have to work harder. ” 

avery had never been good at making friends. it didn’t come naturally to someone who had spent their childhood on the outside looking in, nose stuck in a book while life passed them by. it wasn’t like that with rollo, though, it never had been. it was an easy sense of camaraderie, found when he hadn’t even been looking for it. “ well with both of us distracted it was bound to happen. ” they gestured to the binding of their book to accentuate their pun before turning it in his hands so that his friend could read the title. “ the disordered cosmos, it’s by one of my favourite physicists. ” a wave of their hand cut through the air, as if their words could float away with the wind, “ boring, science-y stuff –– you know me. what about you ?? ”

germs, germs on the straw. that was avery’s first thought when the sickly-looking beverage was held out to them. it seemed like the perfect combination to bring on a headache –– ice and sugar and the sheer size of it –– not to mention nothing you put into your body should be that ... well, blue. but their people pleasing nature won out and a tentative sip was taken, eyes screwed shut as if terrified one tiny drop would be enough for him to combust on the spot. “ it tastes ... like a colour, is that what it’s supposed to –– wait, draino ?? why would it taste like draino, is someone trying to poison you ?? ‘cause i’m not getting enough out of this deal to be promoted to food taster. ” suddenly germs were the least of his issue, though jaden’s next words at least alleviated their concerns. “ oh. ” well, now he felt silly, caught up in an anxious panic for no reason, “ no, i didn’t get the reference. sorry. ” a beat of silence followed, before avery laughed, disbelieving at their own foolishness, “ you had me really thinking that was the end for me. is that a reference i should understand for the movie ?? i gotta admit i know, like, nothing. really going in blind here. ”

their friendship was almost perfectly balanced, a push and pull of opposite personalities that somehow presented avery with probably the closest friend they had ever had. it was a real opposites attract situation; sparrow’s wild and rebellious nature colliding with avery’s straight-laced fear of everything. even their names matched up perfectly, they the wild bird and he the cage. if avery thought too much about that metaphor, they were likely to spiral about holding their friend back, keeping them from something bigger, but those thoughts were best saved for dark rooms with blinking alarm clocks when he couldn’t sleep. “ i feel awful, you might have to carry me home. ” he slung an arm across their back, draped loosely around their waist as they left, pretending to be leaning into them for support. eyes lowered to avoid meeting any of his coworker’s gazes, lest the game be given away. they knew the excuse was feeble, more easily seen through than the tanks surrounding their exit route, but it was as if a tiny rebellious flame had been lit in their chest. “ you’re a bad influence, i’m probably gonna get actually sick just from lying. ” anxiety was a familiar weight in the pit of his stomach, an ever-present and unwelcome companion for as long as he could remember. “ can’t i be alfred ?? i’ll stay safe in the batcave making tea for when you get back. ” they shook their head at sparrow’s question, a disbelieving chuckle escaping their lips, “ of course i haven’t heard of them, you’re lucky i even understood the batman reference. will there be a lot of people there ?? ” their brow furrowed, already imagining the dense throng of people, surrounding them on all sides without a conceivable escape route. “ i do have papers to grade, i should really get that done. ” it was a half-hearted attempt, knowing really that they would never actually say no to them.