Hello.
Is saying hello even appropriate at this point?
Uh, hi. I’m not back yet, I think. But I’m working on it. I’m sorry for the radio silence on literally every front but I’d be lying if I said I knew why it happened.
I just want you all to know what’s up in case that’s something you’re curious about. For those who are, read on. Those of you who aren’t, that’s alright. I’m glad to have you around anyway.
TL;DR I tell you what’s up but in like, ~700 words because I have no self-control.
I’m pretty sure my last login was sometime around February 2022. Can’t believe it’s been over a year and a half! Feels so weird to acknowledge that I’ve been away from art, something that’s been a constant in my life up until this point, for almost two years! Wow!
Those of you who saw the last of my posts already know what my mindset was like at the time. Honestly, I can’t really say it’s improved much, if any. Looking at the art I’ve put out so far makes me feel miserable, for a lack of better word. I’m not gonna elaborate on the feelings because I’m certain all of you have had them at some point. I had hoped they would vanish in time, but they did not.
I can’t tell if these feelings are related to what was going on in my life at the time (they probably are but I haven’t connected the dots yet), mostly because I don’t feel like anything particularly bad happened that could’ve boosted these feelings for me. In fact, a lot of good things happened. Some bad things happened too, as they usually do in life. So, to spare you the details:
-I met someone and we’ve been in a relationship sinch March 2022 (he’s great and we’ve been living together for almost a year now);
-I failed to graduate in 2022 but I managed to fix that at the beginning of July this year (finally!);
-I worked three different jobs in the meantime (not simultaneously) to afford rent, and those took up most of my energy;
-I’ve been on and off different meds while trying to figure out what works for me;
-A lot of family-related events happened in the year I’ve been gone and I’m sure there’s more to come;
-I’ve been reading a lot, and I honestly feel like that sort of became my outlet when drawing felt like too big of a challenge;
-I’ve become even less interested in pursuing the major I’ve been working towards so far, and I’ve decided to stop at my bachelor’s and maybe try my hand at some other profession somewhere along the line.
The last one did me in, honestly. Seeing all my colleagues and friends graduate while I sat back really took a toll on me and I don’t think I’ll be able to recover from that one for a while. The inferiority I felt regarding my art and the progress I’ve made so far combined with not being able to do the one thing everybody around me seemed to be able to do almost effortlessly and, well… it didn’t feel very good.
I believe this is what made me disappear. Honestly though, I’m not 100% sure—it could’ve been something else, and it feels weird to blame my sudden departure on something like my mental state, given that I don’t feel much different now, and I didn’t feel particularly different then. Just existing and getting by has been challenging for years.
But I feel like I might be ready to try drawing again sometime soon. I’ll probably expand my horizons a bit. Don’t get me wrong, dragons are fun and I won’t give up on those, but you’ll probably be seeing a bit more variation from me in the future. I might even give humans a go! Oh boy!
(Not yet though. But soon, hopefully.)
Lastly, I think I want to rebrand my online presence. I feel like I’ve changed quite a bit since I opted for this username, and it no longer feels like me. So, if you see a stranger on your dash, fear not! It’s probably me, trying out something new. I think that’s going to be my first move.
It’s a start. It’s more than I’ve had for over two years, and I might just give it a go. I hope to see you along the way!
