Avelyia

Media, who had a complete field day with those news. Because how is it that two big names in sport leave their coach, while having such a successful career? Ama had just won worlds and immediately after that left, an unusual thing to do. Not only fans had their theories, yet she hasn't spoken on anything. Haven't even explained anything on her Instagram, despite how many questions appeared in her DMs.

She had to focus on herself now. Both of them had to, that's why she and Evgenia dropped the idea of living together in Toronto. They both needed their own space. If they wanted to see each other they could always just come over.

One of the first things she had to do was to visit a doctor. And well... She wasn't really happy with how it went, more precisely the diagnosis.

In human tongue, the doctor explained to her that her ankle is unstable, unable to absorb the force of landings in a proper way. Most likely because her previous injury wasn't fully healed before she returned to a strict training regime. That led to her knee and hip compensating for it. The bones in her leg were basically in a warning stage, in a place that could easily lead to a stress fracture.

In a nutshell: It was bad.

And neither her obsessive jumping of the triple axel and quad toe after the Olympics, nor being underweight, helped it.

"Right now your body is still coping, but it's running out of ways to do so. You don't have enough muscle to protect your joints, that's part of the problem – beside the earlier unhealed injuries." the doctor said.

All Amaliya heard were obstacles, her body not being enough, failing her once again. She quickly pushed those thoughts away. She promised to take care of herself, that was one of the terms of Brian taking her. She has to keep her word.

"So... When can I be back to training?" she asked, trying her best to not feel impatient or irritated.

"No jumps for at least a month, only light work. Then maybe singles, but it'll depend on how it's gonna look then." he said and it cost her everything to hold a sigh in – but he saw it. He leaned in and spoke in a serious tone: "If you keep training like you did until now, you won't have to worry whether you'll be allowed to compete in the next season. You're lucky, one wrong landing or fall could have already ended your journey in sport. Or you'd need a knee injury, or a hip one. Then it'd be a matter of months, not weeks."

A shiver ran down her spine at those words. Weeks sounded bad, but months even worse – not to mention never being able to get back to the sport...

She was aware she had some injuries before in her career, the ones she ignored if they were to affect her training. But no one stopped her. No one said 'enough'. There were suggestions that she can take time off, but she was very well aware that if she does, someone else will get in her spot. So the whole 'you can take your time' felt more like an illusion of choice then an actual one.

Also, painkillers were for something, right? Even if you take the strongest ones you can legally take. And later you're praised for your persistence, you're an example to be followed by the younger ones. The same ones that will fight for your spot the moment you trip. Of course competing through injuries happened not only in her school, not only in the skating itself. And usually either after a competition athletes took time to heal, or... it ended bad. Really bad.

"And then?" she asked, forcing herself to not lower her head. But her voice gave it away, trembling a little.

"Then you can get back to doing some singles. And after two–three months you may slowly get started getting back to harder jumps. But it's nothing final, everything depends on how your recovery will go. And the weight gain."

Amaliya nodded. Weight was another thing that left her stressed. She had already been to a dietician. The plan was to achieve a healthy weight in maximum six months, may happen earlier, all depends on the individual.

She was already scared of feeling heavy. She knew it's all for her health, but couldn't help but feel frightened about going back to the sport a few kilos heavier. Jumps came to her easily right now, despite the injuries, puberty never really hit her like it did others. How is it going to be now? When she gains weight, her center of gravity changes? She's gonna have to relearn all her jumps. And axis, she's going to have to work on that as well. Basically work on everything. Even spins may feel off.

But it's better than surgeries or ending a career.

"I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. Your body lost years it needed to build its strength. We can and will improve it, but we can't erase what happened. Some things can't be compensated for. Like bones, they will never be as strong as if you went through puberty as you were supposed to. Hormones will go back to normal easier, I know you said you're on the pill, but it may just mask eventual hormonal problems. For now we focus on regeneration and weight, then we will go off – for some time, as I'm aware it's important for your comfort in sport. But we need to know if everything got back to normal."

Through all that, she just kept nodding and trying to keep a strong face. She couldn't turn back time, get back all the years she should be building strength, but instead was focused on remaining light and competitive. Better late than never, right?

If she got that gold, maybe she'd never change anything in her life. Maybe she'd be already laying on the operating table?

Sitting at the kitchen counter, looking down at the plate with food that sometimes she wouldn't even eat through the whole day, she couldn't help but reflect on her life. Was it all worth it in the end? Would gold even bring her any happiness? She'd achieve her goal, and what then? She was arguing quite hard that she doesn't need to see a psychologist, that she never did and still doesn't need to. Hard enough, that they came to terms. That alright, right now much is going on, she needs to get used to it, she already took a big step, so this one won't be forced. It won't do anything good if it's forced. For now they'll just look at how things unfold. But she'll think about that and if she needs it, she'll tell them.

So strange to have so many people around you care so much about your well–being.

No matter how long the whole process of healing would take, it didn't seem to matter much. The waiting period she'll have to face will most probably be a full twelve months since the last competition. So the whole 2018/19 season. The whole team reassured her that maybe it'll do her good, as she won't have any pressure to get back to training faster than she's ready to. They were probably right, but Amaliya just... didn't feel it yet. It all felt wrong, strange.

But slowly, she was learning that new didn't mean bad, and it wasn't just her mind fighting to think it's all for good, that it was a good decision. The first session, true session, not just going around, light stretching, visiting physio – but the time she put on the skates. Even if it was just edge work and choreography, so she doesn't strain her leg.

No shouting at her, no being nice in one moment and scolding in the other. She already liked that this coaching relationship was more like friends than boss and employee. Of course Brian still had the final word, he was in charge after all, but in a way that didn't make her blood either boil or freeze.

Maybe she loved this sport after all.

The feeling of gliding smoothly over the ice. Crossovers, deep edges, choreography, some easy, short spins – especially with music on the earphones. It felt like flying sometimes, leaving her with a light feeling in her chest instead of tension.

With a bag over her shoulder she walked out of the training complex, scrolling through her phone to check when she'll be able to catch the public transport to her apartment. She didn't pay attention to the people she passed, she didn't know almost anyone from that club and didn't feel like socializing right now. But someone decided to reach out to her first.

"Hello."

At first she wanted to just keep walking, not bothering to stop and check who wanted what from her. She could always pretend she didn't hear it with earphones on or that she thought it was towards someone else. But it sounded familiar, even with music playing. So she stopped and took out one of the earphones to hear better.

She basically froze in her spot, mouth open, brows no longer frowned. An expression of pure shock on her face at what – or rather who – was just a few steps away.

"You once said you're free after Worlds. It is after Worlds as far as I know." Max.

Stood there as if it was the most normal thing to do. In the middle of May, when she was starting to rebuild herself, had enough things to take care of... He just had to appear in her life. In a form she couldn't ignore.

Max stood there for quite some time already, starting to wonder whether she was there today or not. He was not as tired, as he was very annoyed with her silence. Especially, that it was another thing that wasn't working in his life at the current moment.

Since he saw the news of her moving to Toronto, he started planning to go there. He didn't really want to come when she was still in Moscow, not even because of his own schedules, but she might have not even been there. Before Worlds he was giving her time, after that it was too late to force a conversation in that way, as she could not even be there. It was off season for her, she was doing shows. Not even mentioning that place... Well, she probably did not associate it with nice memories and feelings.

Here she seemed to be starting over. It wasn't hard to find this place as it was announced where she's switching. The hardest thing was knowing whether she is there today or not. She seemed to be, as she was posting some pictures on her stories. So he made time for a two day visit and hoped to speak with her.

He felt like a stalker, first sitting in a car he rented for that short stay, then got out and walked around the entrance. Like some criminal waiting for the victim. Hands in the pockets of his jeans, watching people that were leaving, some alone, some in groups. People coming in and out and no trace of her. He killed some time scrolling through his phone, but at the end of the day he had to stay attentive, to not miss her if she walks out.

And she finally did. On her phone, earphones, bag over shoulder. Didn't notice him, not even glanced towards him – she probably really didn't see him, as she was so shocked when turned around.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

First answer she gave since she stopped answering at the Olympics. First since: 'If you're to lecture me, then better shut up', last thing she texted before silent treatment. Since she had him wonder what he did wrong, what was so unforgivable, to erase him from her life.

"Not the first thing I expected to hear after almost three months of silence to be honest..."

Seeing Max here, in Toronto, in front of her new skating club, felt as if a ton of bricks fell on her head – or as if she was knocked down by an F1 car at full speed. She didn't know how to answer after such a long time, and suddenly fate decided to solve that problem for her. Except that right now, when she had that occasion, she absolutely didn't feel ready for it.

Not to mention that it was just a second time they saw each other in person. They have shared countless conversations, exchanged photos, messages, videos... Grew close, basically became friends, but it's different. She can't hang up, can't leave him on read.

Well, she can always run away, maybe she would be faster than him if she tried hard enough.

Running felt pathetic. Everyone would look towards her – it was already enough that people here were recognizing her on a similar level like in Moscow. She didn't need additional attention.

So instead she slowly turned around and started to walk away. And to be honest? It didn't feel any less embarrassing... If she was running, at least she maybe would be able to run away, instead, she heard steps intensifying behind her.

"Really?" Max caught up to her and stopped in front of her. She wanted to step to the side, but then he also did, and she was forced to stop. "I fly across the world and all I get is–"

"That's stalking." she interrupted him. She wanted to cut it off as quickly as possible, go on with her life, try to

"You're ghosting." at that, she said nothing. Only crossed arms on her chest and looked to the side, avoiding his gaze. "You suddenly stop answering when I'm trying to help you, and you're going to ignore me even now? After I came to speak personally?"

"Stop making drama in the middle of a street. Especially in front of my new training club." Amaliya said, not answering any of his questions why she acted like she did.

"Get in then." he gestured towards the car in the parking lot, a dozen of steps away from them. What answered him, was that fucking silence once again... "I'm already pissed off, and you're making it worse with every second."

"No."

"Amaliya."  oh, she didn’t like his sharp tone at all.

"Max." she finally looked at him, and stood her ground when he took a step closer, trying to force her to take at least one step towards the car.

"Move."

"There is nothing to talk about." the hands she kept on her shoulders clenched a little more, as she was trying to keep her composure. She wasn't used to being cornered like that, especially by someone she cared about. It made her uncomfortable and argued with herself about what she should do.

"Don't you think you owe me an explanation at least?" Max took a deep breath and sighed, taking a small step back, realising he's not making the situation any better. "We can part our ways forever, but first I need to know what crime I did to suddenly receive silent treatment. For nearly three months. Probably would go on for God knows how long if I didn't come here."

Amaliya bit on the inside of her cheek, desperately looking for some excuse to not have to explain everything. Because it would mean literally everything, things she didn't want him to know about her. Things that would change how he looks at her. That could be even worse than losing him forever.

She never told anyone all she had been through and didn't really plan to. She didn't want pity, compassion. What would it change? Nothing. Time couldn't be turned back, she had to face consequences of the life others put her into, no matter how harsh they may be. And if she confessed all that? Showed the pain, tears, frustration, how much she was broken for years? She'd no longer be that happy, determined and successful in their eyes. She'd be reduced to a victim of abuse. People would walk on eggshells around her.

"I'm not ready." words finally left her mouth, much less firmly than she'd like to.

"You're brushing me off, aren't you?" Max tilted his head, crossing arms on his chest just like she did.

"And you're a stubborn idiot, who doesn't unders–"

"Explain me then!" he couldn't help but raise his voice a little, but that immediately brought the attention of people around them, passing by. He saw that, slowly took a breath through the nose and once more gestured towards the can. "Get in, we'll drive somewhere more private."

Finally, Amaliya gave in. She felt she's not winning this argument, he won't let her go unless she explains why she acted like she did. The way in which she moved towards the car, looked as if she was walking towards her own execution. Well, that's how she felt.

On the way, Max took her skating bag from her shoulder and walked quicker, to put it in the backseats, and then opened the passenger doors for her. She slowly got in, still bracing herself, showing with her whole body that she's not happy at all. She'd rather be anywhere else than there.

The drive passed them in silence. Amaliya was looking out the window, with her head resting against it. She should prepare in her mind what she's going to say... but couldn't gather thoughts. Max glanced towards her from time to time, mostly at the red lights. Heart beating fast, fingers tapping impatiently against the steering wheel, he waited long enough. No matter what it was, he needed to hear that or is going to explode from the tension and all the emotions.

They stopped at the small parking lot close to the entrance to the beach, but far enough that it wasn't people's first choice when coming to rest at the Ontario lake at this time of the year.

Max turned off the engine and silence between them suddenly was becoming more and more suffocating with every second. In that closed space, almost empty parking lot, the tension was higher than ever before between them. She was one step away from taking out earphones and making one last try on ignoring the situation she was in.

"Explain it to me." Max asked, before she could gather enough bravery to do that. He was still tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, being maybe just as stressed as she was.

"What?"

"Why did you stop answering?"

"I didn't want to talk." she shrugged, not moving from her spot with head against the window.

"Why?"

"I was mad at you."

"Why?"

"Are you a broken record?" she finally moved, turning to look at him. She expected to meet with an angry expression, instead she found... a tired one, resigned even. So drained with this conflict, that he didn't even have strength to be angry anymore.

"Well, I have to pull you by the tongue." he was sitting with his back and head against the seat, hand now dropped from the steering wheel.

This ride in absolute silence and tension got the anger out of him, leaving sadness and resignation that was always under it. And hurt. That she didn't trust him. That he wasn't enough. Never was. That he failed another person in his life. That maybe he's too stupid to understand obvious things and doesn't deserve friends at all. Or relationships. That he would only embarrass himself by trying. All the thoughts that he would normally push to the back of his head or ignore because of annoyance or anger.

Amaliya, with a great sigh, also leaned back against the seat. She looked down, moving the phone between her hands. How does she explain? Where to start to not sound dumb? Whatever could go wrong already went wrong, nothing she can say can make it worse she guess... Besides running away of course. That was always an option.

"After I lost..." she started and quickly traced away, swallowing, trying to keep her voice steady. She quickly realised it's gonna be impossible if she is to say everything, so gave up. "You said you know what I feel. That... it just happens, it's sport." she shrugged, but didn't feel like it was nothing. "That it's not over, there is another chance in four years. At least I have something to strive for, that I'll get all the colours of Olympic medals... How can you say all that and that you understand at the same time?"

Her voice broke a few times, as she remembered all those painful moments at the Olympics. She sniffled softly, wiping her eyes with one hand, even though no tears left them yet. Max remained silent, just observing her, letting her speak in her own rhythm. When she took a pause, he didn't press. Just hoped she won't suddenly fall silent again, but continue and tell the whole story.

"There is no 'again' for me. Even what I do right now... I don't know where it leads me. How the federation switch will go, how the recovery will... I don't even know what I want. I have no purpose. My only one was to go to the Olympics, to win. And it all crumbled in a single moment." right now she was already crying, turning her face away from him. But he could still hear her sobs and how hard it was for her to speak. "The moment I fell I wished the ice would swallow me. When I saw the scores, I... I didn't know what to do with myself. All I did in my life, all I sacrificed was... Worthless. For nothing. At that moment I hated this sport, I really did, and I still don't know how I feel about it. But it's the only thing I'm good at. Well... at least I think like that, no one else clearly never did."

She took a deep breath, but it did nothing at stopping the tears. And addictionally, he was silent. She didn't know what's worse, this or if he would somehow comment on that.

"I'm tired. I'm underweighed, injured, on the edge of other injuries and with no purpose. I don't know if I will make it physically to the next one or two seasons, not to speak about four. And you told me that I just had bad luck, now have four years to improve and will go back just like that and win." she snapped her fingers. "It doesn't work like that in figure skating. Not for me at least."

Her explanation hit Max like a train. Everything made sense now, her reaction to the words he thought were a reassurance. For him there wasn't such a thing like the Olympics. Every season was a championship battle, almost every week another race, and every race had dozens of laps. He used words that would reassure him, when she needed empathy. He was looking for resolution, while she wanted someone to not diminish her feelings and go through them with her. For her it was a once in a lifetime chance, and just a few minutes of performing in the whole competition, no room for correcting mistakes.

His heart broke piece by piece when she was speaking, especially when she spoke about being underweight and injured. When he looked at her silhouette, maybe she was a bit slim, but not that much. But maybe it was because of the clothes. And even if she looked – let's say – okay, scales didn't lie.

But damn, she was eighteen – okay, almost nineteen now, but those things didn't happen overnight. A girl at the beginning of her adult life, even before it, a teenager, severely injured and underweighed. Things that would have an impact on the rest of her life.

"Later it wasn't even about being mad... I was embarrassed to text back after such a long time." she added, muttering.

Silence fell once again, as Max slowly moved his hand and rested it lightly on hers, on her knee. Light enough, that she could pull away if she didn't want that. When she didn't, he slowly grabbed her hand and gently moved thumb over it.

"I'm sorry." was all he managed to say. His throat tightened and mind didn't know what he was supposed to do in such a situation. But they carried everything, apologizing for what he said and what she had been through.

He didn't expect the situation to take such a course. He thought there were going to be raised voices, anger, shouts... Instead there was a broken voice and tears. Confessions he could expect, but didn't dare to think about, assume they could be real.

"I should have explained when the emotions cooled down. But... I didn't want pity. Or looking at me as at something broken. Someone who wasn't loved by a parent enough to be taken out of it. At any point." she burst into tears fully, snapping her hand away from his hold and hiding face in her hands.

Max didn't know what to do. She took her hand away, should he try again? Reach out in some other reassuring gesture? Stay as he is and wait? In silence or say something? How do you react to such words? Especially ones that somehow hit you so personally?

"You're anything but broken. You decided to change everything, fight for yourself. That's something people admire, not pity." he said eventually, but didn't reach to offer any physical comfort. She was still facing away from him, face in hands, shoulders shivering with sobs.

There were a few minutes of silence before Amaliya answered.

"I don't even know if it'll work out."

"But you try, isn't it worth anything?" he hesitated, before adding: "I'm proud of you."

Her cries slowly softened over the next minutes, until all that was left was just a quickened breath and hidden face. Max was still hesitant, but eventually risked it and reached out, gently taking her hands and lowering them from her face, until they rested on her lap. He's proud. Not some random people on the internet, he is. Sitting next to her, knowing the truth, and still proud. Even if it's a lie, she wants to believe it.

She shouldn't feel so embarrassed about crying, he saw her breakdown at the Olympics, which was much more messy, with strong make–up being smudged by tears. Here was just some mascara, that probably wasn't as waterproof as the producer promised. Yet it felt much more intimate. And at the Olympics, when she cried and shouted, she didn't care about who's going to see it and what will they think. Now? She was opening herself... for the first time ever. To a guy who was dear to her, yet she hurt him with her silence. Despite that he came here, all the way to Toronto and waited for her under club for who knows how long, determined to solve that tension between them.

Oh God, I really am the worst...

This time she didn't take her hands away, but didn't turn her head back yet. She had to close them for some deep breaths, to calm her nerves even a little bit. It was horrible but freeing at the same time, share it with someone out of the environment.

"I saw the documentary..." Max admitted finally, quietly, and squeezed her hands a little, as if afraid this confession might scare her away. Or bring tears back.

"So what's there left for me to say? That I hate those people? I regret my life went like this? I wasn't always a child, I grew and understood things, but never chose to leave. To tell my dad, or brother, I didn't want to be saved. I stayed where success was, with what was working. Ignored every obstacle, because if I won it all would be worth it in the end." she laughed humourlessly, raising one hand to wipe her eyes. "It wasn't. No matter the outcome."

"Do you need anything?" he asked gently, brushing her hand with his thumb in a calming gesture. That was the only thing that came to his mind that he could say and not make it worse or sound pathetic.

And to not think about himself, as his mind started circulating over the memories from his own childhood. That wasn't something she should be hearing right now, when so much was on her shoulders already, making her worry about him. Especially that it was past, it was different– Alright... Maybe, just maybe not always. Maybe sometimes the border was crossed and he should stop making excuses for it, especially taking all he knows about her. Harsh methods lead to results, and what's next?

A girl crying next to him in the car. Such a gorgeous girl, funny, caring, talented, and at all that, also absolutely beautiful. There are some things you can't get, no matter how brutal and demanding the training will be, some things you just... have or not. Like her ability to show emotions without words on the ice, her smooth movements, sharp only when choreography required it. If someone doesn't feel the music and story, you can't force them into it. He had no doubts she would be just as great without abusive coaching.

"Time? To figure out what I even want to do with my life?" she snorted. "For everything to magically repair itself overnight when I sleep."

"I can't do that."

Amaliya said nothing more for now. This time a comfortable silence settled between them, as she was playing with his fingers, as his hand was still on her lap, and he didn't dare to take it away.

"Should I go grab some tissues or... anything?"

"I always have some in a bag. You need those on the rink." she looked over her shoulder to the backseats and her skating bag on it. "In that small zipped pocket on the outside." she said, instead of moving to take them out herself.

She didn't have to say it twice, Max was already reaching for them.

"I have never spoken about it." she admitted, taking out a tissue from the pack he took out. "Most of the time I didn't even realise what consequences such a 'lifestyle' may have. I used to just... Wave it off." she shrugged and took a break to blow her nose. Then took another tissue and brought down the sun visor, to look in the mirror there and wipe her eyes and mascara. "Wasn't the smartest thing to do."

So he was the first she spoke about it with...

"If you have more free time now..." he started, then hesitated. But as he already began his thought, he had to finish it. The worst thing she can say is 'no'. "Canadian Grand Prix is soon, the tenth of June. It's not far from here, you could come if you want, I could get you a pass. You could get your thoughts away, watch cars go in circles."

A soft chuckle escaped her, before she held it back, as she didn't want to sound rude to his proposition. It might not be that stupid. After all that's what she always valued in that relationship: it brought her mind away from skating. Was her safe space when she didn't want to risk any hard topics. Well, those came here anyway. But she already said most important things, so maybe it could still be it?

"You don't have to answer now. Just also not a day before."

"I'll let you know. I also wanted to go to one of my brother's matches but... I don't feel ready yet, I still haven't really spoken with him and dad after... everything. Despite that they're the closest ones I have..." she trailed out and didn't continue.

Another silence settled, with Amaliya still playing with his fingers, until Max moved his hand and intertwined their fingers. He waited patiently, if she's going to continue what she started. He wasn't going to push, so they just sat and waited, with their hands joined on her lap. Such an intimate gesture, yet felt so right. He was of course aware there were much more things she still kept for herself, but it already meant the world for him, that tension between them seemed to be solved. If she's going to open up, she'll do so in her own time, he just can't betray her trust and must be patient. And maybe he'll open as well.

"Should I drive you home or you have some other places to be?" Max asked finally, as it looked like she wasn't going to share anything more.

"I'm free for the rest of the day." Ama said it with a little hesitation, not sure whether she should lie and go back home or suggest she wants to spend some more time with him, as he's here and they have occasion for that. In the end… she didn't want to be alone now.

"Hungry?" he quickly picked up what she meant, and asked gently, trying to sound casual, not like someone hovering over a person that had a bad relationship with food.

"There is a McDonald's nearby." she answered, also in a casual tone, as she was slowly coming back to herself after crying just a dozen of minutes ago. She needed it. Normality. As if she's just a normal girl going out with a guy on a random day because they felt like it.

Besides... It was nice to have someone care about her. It was a bit different than with a team who was currently taking care of her health. With Max it was... more intimate. Not even how he held her hand, but even the quiet presence next to each other was something that made her calm.

"That's what you crave?" he raised an eyebrow but didn't say no. He'd never say no to McDonald's, he loved it.

"There is also at least one good Italian restaurant in the city – at least as far as I had occasion to try out." she shrugged, taking out her phone to look at the map and set navigation if needed.

"I'm okay with whatever." he glanced at her with a soft smile and turned on the engine.

"Alright, alright. I'll navigate you then. First right, then left at the crossing."

~

She also had to do a few shows in Moscow. Received love from the fans, but nothing made her feel better. There could be tons of flowers, letters and plushies on the table in the living room, but none of them were a gold medal, nor could fill a void after it.

Before she could go back to her everyday life and training, she had to go and take part in one podcast she agreed to do. In a comfortable space, in the apartment of a girl who led this. Ama sat on the couch, crossed–legged most of the time. They spoke about the typical stuff, nothing that was setting the cat among the pigeons. But of course time for that also came – or at least Amaliya felt like that.

"What's your relationship with Zhenya right now?" the girl asked.

"Normal, nothing changed. We've been friends since we were... six, seven years old? On ice, during competition there are no friends, but off of it we have always been close." she explained with a shrug.

At a competition obviously everyone was fighting for themselves, but out of it? Why would they be enemies? They trained at the same school, with the same coaching team. When Evgenia was winning, Ama of course was a little sad and disappointed, but at the same time happy for her friend. Those were a bit complicated feelings, but in the end she didn't hold any grudge. At the end of the day, they were both just doing their job.

"And Alina?"

"Also normal, maybe more neutral as we never spent much time together, haven't really shared the ice. Maybe just a few times. She's not much younger, it's just three years, but she joined the team like... three years ago? And was in juniors, so we didn't interact much. But we are friendly towards each other. Say 'hello', 'goodbye', 'what's up?', normal stuff."

"There was an interview your coach, Eteri Tutberidze, gave a little time ago. If you saw it, could you say were things said there true, or not? Or just partly true?"

Amaliya smiled to herself at that and remained quiet for a moment. She lowered her head and bit on her lower lip, wondering whether to speak on that topic or not. There was always an option to just lie she hadn't seen it, but the truth was she did. And she didn't like some parts of it.

She took a deep breath in and out, changing her position on the couch, pulling one leg up, close to the chest. She already screamed at Eteri on live television and threw her skates at her, she can't really do much worse – if she'd even care. Their relationship was already tense.

"The Olympics truly weren't easy – I mean, the path to them. I'm not talking about all the years leading to them, but the last around two months. I was pretty sick after the nationals and was forced on a week off. When I got back I had to work really hard on my stamina, it was shit. Literally." she paused for a moment, thinking about what she wanted to share and what she'd rather not. "Due to how much I was training on this, my ankle injury from last season... It didn't come back, not fully, I just have pains in my ankle from time to time or when I skate long, or forget to tape it. But even with all that, I wouldn't call any of my tears in Pyeongchang tears of relief. Relief that it's over, that I managed – no. No relief, no joy, no... pressure falling off of my shoulders, just disappointment and sadness."

"And the part about skates?"

Oh, she watched that one a few times. How Eteri mentioned it like a joke, with a smile, explaining that she had to dodge them but, well, that's just how it is, especially with such big emotions as Olympics bring. And summed it up with: 'Well, that's how Amalka is. I have worked with her since she was little, I know her character and I'm used to her tantrums. We joke about it later'.

No, they don't joke about it – at least she doesn't. She isn't like that, she doesn't throw things at people when she's angry, but at that time she had enough. And regrets she missed.

"I did that. Unfortunately guards were on."

The moment she said that she knew it might have not been the best idea. The same day she saw a few posts with that line, and more were most probably coming. Well, it's too late to do anything. Not that she even cared.

Either way, her sport life was back to normal. Back to the things she knows, familiar places and people, back in the routine.

But her personal life... It turned more into avoidance than coming to terms. She answered to her dad and brother, not because she wanted to, but to have peace. To avoid surprises like someone coming to check on her personally. Her answers lacked the usual joking tone or warmth, and were purely sent with one subliminal purpose: 'I'm okay, now leave me alone'.

Regarding Max, she still remained silent. But just as he said, he stopped bombarding her phone for some time. But it required much strength from him, to stay away and wait. He hated it, waiting until things solved themselves. Nothing worse than helplessness. For a moment, he thought about sending her something small, casual, not related to skating. Yet decided against it. If she wanted space, forcing contact in any way wouldn't do any good.

She already has a plushie to remind her of him – or at least he hopes she didn't throw it away after she stopped answering.

She didn't. It was laying on her bed, where she would sometimes push it off on the floor or hug it to sleep – depending on the mood. To drag her thoughts away, she got into a training spiral. For the whole time she had on ice, she'd do the triple axel. Repeat it again, again, and again... No matter if she landed, fell or stepped–out. Hours of repeating the same jump, day after day, so she never fails to land it again. With different entrances, exits, in different spots at the rink, with hands up, hands close to chest. She jumped it in any circumstances she could think of.

Of course besides that she also had to do things that were required from her – edge work, run–throughs, gym. But when she was choosing? Triple axel. Over and over, until she didn't feel her feet in her skates, until her legs weren't able to hold her up any longer. Until she was breathless and half–laying on the boards.

When she satisfied that obsession, she moved to the other: numerous repeats of quad toe loop. Because no matter what she'll be told, whether she'll be allowed or not, she will do it at Worlds. Her relationship with the coaching team can't be more tense anyway, and she absolutely wasn't going to apologize for her outburst. She wouldn't buy a big bouquet of flowers and a chocolate box to ask for forgiveness. She didn't feel at fault there.

Actually, she was ready to think about parting ways with this coaching team and retiring from competitive skating. Then? Who knows. She was done with all that, even if had no life outside of it.

The thing that stopped her to think, was conversation with Evgenia. Over the phone, because Zhenya was attending to her health issues outside of Russia. At first Ama thought it's about just her foot, as her friend had a stress fracture earlier in the season, but it turned out that now it was also about the bone density.

"Such a shame, maybe you'd defend your title again. Three times in a row would be nice." Amaliya spoke, reaching to the shelf in which she kept all the supplements. It was morning, time for the everyday portion of those.

"I know! But it's... To be honest, it's pretty bad with me currently."

"You know you can tell me." her tone slightly changed, more cautious, worried. They often joked about injuries, diminishing them, but now Zhenya was openly saying 'it's bad'. So it had to be really bad.

In the meantime as she was explaining, Amaliya swallowed the pills.

"Well, um... I went there to treat the fracture in my leg, that you know. He noticed I'm limping, and said something about how I'll have pain in my back if I keep limping like this. Then he poked me in that place and I basically screamed. Was immediately sent to an X–ray, it turned out I have three fractures in my lower spine and osteoporosis. Maybe I have a genetic predisposition to it, not sure. But... They gave me medication, the one they usually give to elderly women, and I'm okay now. But have to change a thing or two." she explained, her voice breaking from time to time, even though she tried to keep it together, as if it's not that bad. Probably not to worry Amaliya too much.

But she was already worried. Swallowing pills wasn't the best idea at that moment, as she almost gagged and panicked for a second.

"Osteoporosis? You are eighteen." she answered, still couldn't wrap her mind around it. Fractures were easy to understand for her, but that? She thought she heard wrong.

"You know my diet."

"But still..." she stopped, not knowing what to say. What do you say in such a situation? Especially when your diet is not really much better.

She looked towards the fridge and felt her belly clench, despite that she was used to being hungry. But right now, after hearing all that... She remembered that she hadn't eaten anything today yet. The other thing is, how much she'll be able to swallow without later regretting it, when she steps on the scales.

"Yeah, I was shocked too when I heard that." Evgenia admitted, ending the uncomfortable silence. "But it makes it easier for me to make a decision."

"About?"

"Leaving. I already spoke with a possible new coach."

Just as Amaliya thought she was getting over her friend's diagnosis, she dropped another bomb on her. She stopped in the middle of reaching towards the fridge handle, and slowly turned to look at the phone on the counter.

Leave. A thought that had crossed her mind a few times, but she never really considered it. Here she was the best in the school, staff knew her and other way around. She spent most of her life there, as her mother moved with her to Moscow when she was just three years old. Anna, since she learned she's having a daughter this time, knew she's going to be a figure skater. A dream she never got to fulfill. And as she was from Russia, it was obvious that's where she wanted her daughter to train.

Also here were results. Harsh domestic competition, but if you get through it, you basically have some medals in the pocket already. And Anna didn't see anything wrong in the place she put her daughter in. Even when little Amaliya would tell her she doesn't want to go there anymore, that she doesn't like it there, she's tired, her legs hurt. And then they tell her to stick to the weight they dictate.

When she was little she loved her mother, as every kid does. When mother said something is okay, that's how it is, that's what it costs to be the best, that in the end everything will be worth it and she'll thank herself and everyone around her – she believed her. She called it normal so it had to be normal. So she didn't tell her dad about it.

And when she grew up enough to know her dad would not allow it, she didn't say because she didn't want him to take her away from it. She had results, medals, was on a straight path to greatness and if she said even one wrong word or let him see something – it would be over.

Were all the sacrifices worth it in the end? She lost. No great reward for her, no happiness. Maybe even no future.

If she doesn't do something with her life.

"Who?" she asked shortly, finally opening the fridge and taking out of it yogurt and strawberries.

"Brian Orser."

"Oh, gonna train with Yuzuru." she teased, wanting to lighten up a mood, even if just a little.

"Laugh all you want. When I spoke with Brian, at the end he asked me about you."

"You want to kill me?" this time she really gagged, but on a yoghurt, while washing strawberries. "Always dropping a bomb when I swallow something."

"How can I know what you're doing?!" Evgenia chuckled, the tension was broken for the first time since this call started. "Anyway, you know he likes your skating. He was asked about it in the past and you did read his answers."

"You did read his answers..." she mocked under her breath, as she had no better answer, and focused back on washing strawberries.

* * *

Coming to the Worlds, Amaliya as usually had big hopes, yet bigger peace of mind. Controversies were still around her, people made various comments about her – also under her own posts – but she did everything she could to ignore them. The short program was very good to her, putting her in first place.

The competition was in Milan this year, the city she was born in, though it didn't mean as much to her as it probably did to her dad. They still talked only briefly, but he said he'd come and she really saw him at the stands. To be honest, despite that she spent most of her life in Russia, she also didn't feel she belonged there – especially lately. Many things happened in the last month, leaving her excited and scared at the same time. It could either go incredibly well or totally end her.

All those feelings had to get bottled up when she took the ice for her free skate. Last in this season, maybe even last forever, but she didn't want to think about that yet.

She had a good chance, with Alina falling three times on her jumps, and others she never saw as a real competition. Breathe in, breathe out, and go with the music. As if there is no tomorrow.

She brought a smile to her face and got into the starting position. With the first beats of the music she pushed against the ice and started gaining speed, and performing her program. Big expectations, but trying to ignore them. Right now she just skates, entertains people on the stands and in front of screens and tries to find some joy in it.

The layout of jumps changed a little, as both she and the team agreed on putting a quad toe in the paperwork. It was the first jumping element in the program so she had the most strength for it. Through the choreography she pushed hard against the ice, building speed for the jump. Only one chance to do it right. A chance to prove she wasn't finished after the Olympics, that they didn't break her down. Not completely at least.

She turned, making an entrance into the jump and with all strength she could find in her leg, digged toe pick into the ice and pushed herself into the air. One rotation. Two, three... and four, passed quicker than she could think about it. Opened up in the perfect moment, and the right skate landed on the ice, not losing the flow.

She felt that landing in her leg, all the way up to the hip, but grit her teeth and continued with the program, accompanied with a huge applause. After all, she achieved something people did not believe a grown woman would do. She wasn't the first to do it in competition, as her younger teammate (still in juniors) did that just a dozen days ago, but it was still a big achievement.

And followed but a characteristic for her, triple axel triple loop combo. With two hardest jumping passes behind her she flew through the rest of the program with no problems, already happy with herself.

Happiness was temporary though, as it passed as soon as she left the ice, and didn't come back when she saw the scores and realised she won. On the outside she smiled, looked proud, even hugged with both her coaches sitting on each side of her. But inside, the void was still there. Now a two time World Champion, but it's not the same medal, the same podium. Also it was the first time since years when she wasn't sharing a podium with any of her teammates, with Alina finishing fifth and Evgenia not even there.

When she got backstage, she grabbed her phone, it was almost automatic for her, check notifications. There were also new messages from him.

Max: Idk if you'll even read it, but know that I watched it Max: Even though I have qualifying today, got up earlier Max: Not that you care, as you still said nothing

Ouch. He didn't have to, but decided to watch her perform again. Maybe even smiled, when saw her skate and win, for a moment forgot about the drama at the Olympics. Despite her silence, she did care. Couldn't help but smile, as warmth spread through her chest when saw his name appear on the screen of her phone. He had other things to do, regarding his own career, yet chose to find time to watch her. After how she treated him. Max: But I'm proud of you Max: Still don't understand all technicalities in skating, but even I see how big was what you did Max: You even looked happy, though I don't know what to believe anymore when it comes to you... Max: Anyway, congratulations Max: Guess I'll just leave it like that. You won't answer anyway

Another words that hit her to the core. He seemed to accept her total silence – not in a positive sense. Just... Like a thing you can't fight. Starts to feel indifferent about it. Treat it as normal. Can write basically anything, no matter what it is she's gonna read it and go about her day. As if he means nothing to her. Was just a funny friend she grew bored of. That's what hurts. Being discarded like a broken toy. Expect that he wasn't broken, he didn't even know what he did. He thought they're close, hoped to see her again, maybe get a chance. Instead he can only watch how they fall apart.

He wished he could somehow force her to speak with him. But currently? No idea. Maybe he shouldn't even try, if she already erased him from her life? Max: Tbh, I miss our friendship – if I can even call it like that Max: But it felt real to me. Until you suddenly disappeared as if I imagined you Max: Sometimes I really think I did, and then see you on instagram and realise I didn't Max: I don't understand, I tried to support you – it didn't work. So I gave you time – also doesn't work Max: How much more time am I supposed to give you?

Amaliya had to be completely honest with herself – it wasn't just about what he said anymore. Of course, she was still angry, still expecting an apology, but the main reason for why she wasn't answering now was... embarrassment. The mere thought of texting back after such a long time filled her with shame.

What was she supposed to say? Even explaining herself felt stupid at that point. She should have done that much earlier, but was in too much emotions. Her whole world was falling apart and no one understood her. Explaining her feelings meant also saying what she had been through. Without the background it didn't make sense. And she didn't know if she's ready for it... How he'll look at her when he knows the truth...

If he would even speak with her after such a long time.

Evgenia openly called her stupid, when she talked with her about that. For her, Max is obviously after Ama, and she was just dumb for doing nothing about it, if she likes him back even a little bit. For her embarrassment was a very poor excuse for her being a coward.

Honestly, it was probably a mix of all that.

And one more thing: That right now, she was about to choose herself for the first time. Focus on herself and her well–being. Before, in the life of a top athlete in Tutberidze camp, she saw no place for a guy. Now, in finally her life, there also wasn't a place for any. Not yet at least.

In the end, she would rather let him go than get over all her feelings, and reach back.

Max: How much more time until we forget about each other? Max: You're really bringing me on the edge of many different emotions for those last weeks Max: Did I really do something or you just randomly decided I don't get to be part of your life anymore? Max: Maybe I'll start leaving my shopping list here, as you aren't answering anyway

That last message made her smile a little, a contrast to the tears that were welling up in the corners of her eyes.

Max: I'm still here if you ever choose to reach out Max: For now at least Max: Idk, maybe I'll manage to just forget about you one day and you'll not have to deal with me anymore. Seems like a dream come true for you

'For now'. Because for how long can she expect him to tolerate that? She couldn't really be angry if one day he decides to not contact her anymore. It would be only her fault. Max: Yeah... Max: Once again: congratulations. You were amazing Max: Take care of yourself

Nothing more came.

He probably already had things to do, places to be. He said he has qualifying today, so that was probably it.

She sighed and put her phone in the pocket of the team jacket. She still has one thing to do, much harder than landing a quad, but at the same time maybe just as satisfying.

After she got out of the locker room, ready to head to the hotel, she caught up with Eteri. They were walking down the corridor, nothing special, just like always – until Amaliya decided to speak up. Decisions were already made, now it was just time to inform everyone else about them.

"I'm leaving." no beating around the bush. Some would expect it after her breakdown at the Olympics, but no one from her coaching cycle ever thought about it seriously. To the point that Eteri stopped walking when she heard that.

"You just won." she said as if it erased everything else she experienced.

"And that was my last competition with you as my coach." Amaliya's heart was beating like crazy, as she also stopped and turned to face Eteri. She had to raise her head a little, as she was shorter, but that had no influence on her determination. "My agent will be in contact with your school as well as with the federation. Every required paperwork will be done."

She crossed her arms, so her trembling hands won't be visible. This conversation was worse than her first international competition, but had to be done. By her, not anyone else.

The moment she started intensively thinking about switching was after her talk with Evgenia. When she learned how much impact on her health everything had, and for what? For something that passed so quickly and left a bitter taste in the mouth and hole in the heart. Last month, after she spent her worst wave of emotions on training, was a time of thinking. She had to make decisions about what to do with her life now, either leave scattered pieces of her world or pick them up and try to build something with them. Put them back in place or create something new. The old thing didn't work, so there was only one option. Choose herself.

So she did, made the decision to start over, with no clear big goal for now, dreaming only of a safe space, where she wouldn't be constantly scared of being replaced. With no weighting before and after every session, where she won't be one moment hugged and praised and next called lazy and a loser.

She either stays here and survives maybe one more season before ending up similar to Zhenya, or like her decides to finally prioritise something worth much more than a moment of spotlight and praise: health and dreams. Even though she hasn't chosen this path herself, she had passion for it once. For skating, making people feel something through her performances, being an inspiration to others, kids and adults, at different stages of their journey with figure skating – or even just because of her strength, persistence, determination to push for things no one did before, to be the best version of herself, never give up.

The final decision was made after she spoke with Brian (a long talk). It made her realise many things, and no matter how much work she'd have to put to get on the right track with her life, she was ready for it. Only then she contacted her agent, with no discussions, just the final decision. And no, not only switching coaching teams, but the whole skating federation. If she's to change, she'll change everything. She had Italian citizenship, so it wouldn't be hard to switch – especially that they'd surely gladly take a multiple champion. Their leading name in women's singles was Carolina Kostner, who has retired after this year's Worlds. With no rising star, Amaliya would be like a godsent. Immediate medal contender for them. Long–term investment. She wouldn't be one of many there, but the one. With less pressure, more freedom and possibly a longer career, if she finds love in the sport and decides to continue competing.

The only obstacle was a waiting period she'd probably have to face. If the Russian Federation doesn't release her, she'll have to wait up to a full twelve months until she can compete again.

A full season with no starts, that's a lot, but a price she's ready to pay. And it's not written in stone that it will be twelve months, maybe negotiations will go well and she'll be released earlier. Obviously she doesn't even dream of no waiting period, but anything is better than a full year.

But in the end? She'll accept everything to be able to leave.

"You think you'll achieve something anywhere else? That you'll be wanted anywhere else?" Eteri said, and even though it sounded like a question, was strongly suggesting that no, she won't find a place for her anywhere outside of her team.

"Anywhere I will be more appreciated than here." Amaliya didn't back down. Decision was made, nothing will change it, no threats, no hurtful words.

"I trained you your whole life, put you on the top, and that's how you repay me?" there was clear pretension in her voice, but not a loud, angry one, no no... a much worse one: cold. Made to hit you to the core, make you feel like you're the villain. No raising voice, sometimes not even looking at her, as if she was still in control of the situation, that power was at her side.

Well, not anymore.

"You did, at the cost of my passion, private life, health... Everything. I sacrificed everything for my career, and not once I felt like it was worth it. It means nothing to you too. You have many girls, younger, lighter, less injured than me for my spot. You won't cry after me."

"You're dramatizing, no one is replacing you as long as you bring results. And you won't have them only if you're lazy–"

"I'm done." Amaliya interrupted her. "I forced myself to go for this last competition, because I promised it to the fans and hoped it will help me cope after the Olympics. It didn't." she took a deep breath expecting Eteri to say something. When she didn't, she continued. "I'm grateful for what I learned and achieved, but not how I did it. I can't work like this anymore, our paths part here."

"And when it doesn't work you'll come back with a tail between your legs, I've been through that many times."

"I will think about it if I ever get there."

"Alright, throw away everything we worked so hard to achieve. It's a shame but well... happens. I could have expected that from you." Eteri didn't let Amaliya have the last word on that, and after saying it continued walking down the corridor.

As soon as Amaliya could not see her any longer, she let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding. She felt... Lighter. As if something big and heavy just fell off her shoulders. Speaking with her agent was one thing, telling about her decision Eteri was the other, and felt so fucking good.

Maybe she still didn't have a plan for her life, but at least took a step towards potentially a better future.

In May, breaking news cut through the skating community:

Two Russian stars are leaving their long–time coach Eteri Tutberidze. Evgenia Medvedeva is moving to Canada to train with Brian Orser, but remains as a part of Sambo–70 school. Amaliya Svetlanova takes one step further, leaving the Russian Federation for Italy.Full announcements linked in the pinned comment.

– Didn't think I'd like to that moment ⤷ exactly my thoughts 😂 I'm so proud of them

– QUEENS!!! ⤷ they won't achieve anything without eteri lolz ⤷ did you forget Orser was coaching Yuna Kim during her most successful senior years, and is coaching Yuzuru Hanyu, TWO TIME olympic champion??? ⤷ But they're are way below their level, Eteri bonus was keeping them on top 💀 ⤷ We will see 😉

– wishing them all the best with Brian 🙌 ⤷ And Ama also with Italy 😌 ⤷ she'll be our golden girl 🇮🇹 it was my dream to see her representing us ⤷ I wonder if she'll change her surname?¿ ⤷ eee, she always had two? just chose to compete under one, as she was representing russia. but she was always svetlanova–berlusconi ⤷ I highly doubt it, she build her image with Svetlanova

– Traitors. ⤷ bot 💀 ⤷ who in their right mind leaves such a great coach after a long, fruitful work? ⤷ Only shows how much was going on behind the scenes ⤷ nah, they're just attention seekers and afraid of Alina 😂 Know they can't compete against her, nor other raising stars

– Wait... It means we won't see Ama in the next season? 😭 ⤷ probably, russia won't let her go easily 💔 ⤷ they don't deserve any of them tbh, Evgenia should switch too ⤷ Yeah, but it's up to a whole season off... It's HUGE in figure skating

– I wish I could have seen Eteri's face when she heard that ⤷ same 😔 – omg, so they're moving to toronto?1?!1!?! I can actually meet them on a random monday?!1?1! ⤷ I'm not jealous, i'm not jealous, i'm not jealous... ⤷ toronto has no reason to gatekeep all my favourite skaters 😭

Those were not the kind of news Max expected to see randomly, while scrolling through Instagram, but made the rest of his day better. And left him with a thought forming in his mind.

~

Maybe it was just an impression only she got, but she felt as if he was suggesting she should apologize. Which she absolutely wasn't going to do.

"I felt exactly what you saw. I have trained my whole life with one result in mind, so when I didn't get it I got upset." her voice broke slightly on the last word, so she paused for a brief moment. "It's not my fault someone decided to follow with camera and put it on a livestream. Either way, I'm not ashamed of my emotions, it's who I am and everyone is free to think whatever they want, I couldn't care less. Only thing I was to say sorry for is the disappointment to everyone who expected more from me."

"Do you think the scores reflected your performance?"

Ah, a typical move to stir up a hornet's nest. Hoping she'll say something that will make a great article title. As if she hadn't had enough hardship to endure today.

"I'm a skater, I skate, that's my job. Judges do the judging. Everyone can assess on their own if they're right or not." she answered simply, not thinking too long about it. She just wanted to get over it as quickly as possible and curl up on her bed.

"But do you think you were underscored?"

An audacious type, I see.Amaliya leaned to the microphone, taking a quiet breath in, forming an answer in her head, supposed to push that guy as far away from her as possible.

"I think it's highly unprofessional to ask such things, especially when the two other medalists are right next to me." she looked to the side as she said that, and that was a mistake, as she saw how they were looking at her, especially Zhenya. It was much to bear, she could feel tears building up in her again. "Where did you get your qualifications?" yet she managed to keep her tone steady, even a little snarky, and tilted her head to stress it better.

As expected, no answer came. She was glad he didn't try to push her again, because she might have actually said a word or two too much. She reached for the water bottle and drank a little, even if she didn't really feel thirsty or hungry. Actually, she didn't feel anything besides tiredness and wanted to be alone.

"Amaliya, beside other titles you're now also a two time Olympic medalist. How does it feel? What does it mean to you?"

She looked up, as for the last few minutes when others were talking and she was mindlessly doing some patterns on the table with the nail of the index finger.

"I have two more medals to hang on the shelf." she shrugged.

"Is it a result you're proud of?"

They just can't help but try to rile her up, can they? As if she wasn't already exploited enough.

"I'll find some place for them between the others." her answer didn't dive into her feelings. Her reaction already said enough, she explained it, that's enough.

"Do you plan to participate in the World Championships?" that was a question that was asked to all of them, eventually she also had to answer that.

"Yes."

"Looking ahead to the next Olympic cycle–"

"I'm not thinking about that yet." she interrupted. As soon as she heard 'olympic' she felt irritation building in her.

"And the next season?" he pushed.

"Yes."

She was a two time olympic medalist, but feelings? Hollow. Disappointment. Regret. She didn't know what to do now. What's her goal? She sat there thinking, that actually she doesn't know what now, what when she comes back to Moscow, to the everyday life. And people. There weren't many people around her, but she'd have to eventually speak with them – even if currently she'd rather never hear from them again.

In the moment she felt she's falling, she wanted to kill herself. When scores appeared, the whole world crumbled. Right now? She knew she had to move on, but didn't know how. It felt impossible. Retire? Push for one more year, until she can't compete against the younger generation? There was no vision of her future without an Olympic gold.

Amaliya was first back in the room. Took off shoes, sat on the bed and stared on the wall for a few minutes, playing with the phone in her hand. Then she leaned back until she fell on the bed, now staring at the ceiling. She reached over and grabbed a cactus plushie, holding it against her chest with one hand and phone with the other.

Until she decided to throw it away, because it reminded her of Max. Plushie hit the wall and fell on the floor.

How could he say he understands her and then that she'll have another occasion? That because she lost, she has motivation to keep training? And the text about the whole collection of medals, all colours... And it wasn't just bad luck. She didn't look, didn't notice the groove. She decided to go with the triple axel instead of attempting quad toe. She didn't fully rotate the jump. It's all her fault.

She may be national champion, european, grand prix final, even world champion... But nothing fills the void of Olympic gold. The void that will forever remain in her, because she'll never get a chance to try again. That was the worst.

And he had the audacity to approach it so lightly. She won't answer him. Not until he apologizes. She deserves an apology for such unsensitivity. Why did he even touch that topic? It was so nice when he was something that took her thoughts away from skating. Someone with whom she could feel like just a girl. Of course he had to destroy that.

Similar situation with her dad. She glanced at her phone and dozens of missed calls and unanswered messages (from Leo also). He thought that just because he's been to four Olympics with the team and never won gold makes him automatically understand her. Meanwhile volleyball was a team game. He always had others to blame. And four chances. And didn't have problems with receiving low scores. Also, she vividly remembers the last Olympics he took part in, she was five, with brother and mother on the stands. He had a family – no matter how that family looked, no matter that she was already living in Moscow with mother. Had life outside of sport. Had many friends. It was easier for him to move on.

Once again she got irritated, and switched to the gallery, to the folder where she kept screenshots from her texts with Max. And that one screenshot of him on the video call, barely awake. She stared at that one for a long moment, until she felt a surge of warmth coming to her chest and put her phone screen–down on the bed.

After a moment she got up and walked over to the plushie and picked it up.

"No one understands..." she whispered, looking at it. Tears already started to gather in her eyes and by the time she was back on her bed, she was fully crying once more today.

She laid there, on her side, hugging plushie to her chest for she didn't even know how long, until she heard knocking, then doors opened slowly.

"Can I cry with you?" it was Zhenya, who was keeping everything inside more than she did.

Amaliya sat up and nodded. Before they sat together to cry, they pushed their beds together for more space, and only then hugged each other, bursting into tears. They shared so much of their lives, since Evgenia came to the Sambo–70 when she was around 6. They were the same age, often training together, going to the competitions together. Shared countless great moments, victories, jokes, holidays. Ama's dad taught Zhenya how to serve. They both were bullying Leo.

But shared also those bad moments. It wasn't the first time they cried together, either because of a training session, an injury or because of parents – that mostly from Amaliya's side and her mother.

Here they were, once again hugging each other, both crying because of a dream that never came true. Cried for so long, that they didn't even realise when they had fallen asleep.

The sleep didn't make the following day any better. She had to stand on the podium once more, this time to receive a medal she felt nothing about – or at least nothing good. But she tried. She tried so hard to feel something positive, even a little bit of happiness, of pride. She couldn't. The smile on her face was empty when she was getting on that step, when they congratulated and put the medal over her neck.

It was heavy and light at the same time. Heavy with disappointment, with unfulfilled ambitions, with years of harsh training for nothing, with a feeling of injustice. And light, because it could as well not exist for her. She will put it in the back next to the silver one as soon as she gets back to the room. Back in her apartment in Moscow she'll hang them next to the others and go about her day. Pass them every day without giving them a single thought.

She survived the medal ceremony. And... went about her day. To practise for the exhibition gala. Met with other skaters there, didn't care enough to see many different looks she received. But did care about the quiet support and reassuring words she got from those closer to her. Exceptionally thankful, when they spoke about different topics, taking her attention away.

Yet she didn't answer anyone on her phone. The only thing she picked it up for, was to post on her Instagram account.

@ amaliya.svetlanova *a carousel of 4 photos: – from the flower ceremony – a shot mid biellmann spin during the free skate – a shot from the short program, choreographic moment – from the podium, with a medal already over her neck*

Looking forward to the Worlds 🌍

She didn't wait for the comments, knowing what would appear there. She didn't have strength to face it, yet didn't turn them off. That would be even worse if she did, raising more questions, concerns and hate. That was the last thing she needed.

– Why no photo with Zhenya and Alina??? You always publish others from the podium, or at least your teammates... ⤷ she's jealous of them, so obviously no photos ⤷ Nowadays every reason is good to hate i guess 😑

– Please, take care of yourself 🙏 Maybe some time off? ⤷ Evgenia isn't going to worlds. Both Amaliya and Alina should do the same, they're drained after the Olympics. But it's Alina's first season in seniors and she wants to catch as much as she can, and Amaliya wants to compensate for the loss here i guess... ⤷ Don't worry, soon they'll either have a career ending injury or just fall apart, that'll put them on a forever holidays 😂 ⤷ Wow, abused girls, so funny, haha 🙄 Remember, not those young women you see were wronged, but little kids. Think before you write.

– spoiled brat. ⤷ would gladly see how you'd react if you were in her place ⤷ Medvedeva took it gracefully ⤷ she also cried??? Also, we don't know what was happening later, cameras didn't follow her every step, like they did with Ama ⤷ That was disgusting, streaming emotional breakdown. Poor Ama, I wish I could hug her... ⤷ Unfortunately, it was known from the start that two of Eteri girls will leave Pyeongchang in tears

– You said you hate this sport and will never go out on the ice again? Already changed your mind? ⤷ you all act as if you don't understand she was in extreme emotions. ⤷ she won TWO olympic medals and makes drama about. That's unprofessional. She's a good skater, but a horrible person ⤷ You know her personally? ⤷ ngl, i think she doesn't deserve even half of her achievements... ⤷ you've got to be kidding me, the only woman in the current field that can do a triple axel solo & in combos doesn't deserve her achievements? She was robbed of many more titles ⤷ Come on, the world record scores she holds are ridiculously high 😂 overscoring queen ⤷ Evil of you to say that, when she was so underscored just yesterday...

– For us you're gold! 🥇 ⤷ she was robbed fr ⤷ my two dreams: find love & amaliya svetlanova 2022 olympic champion ⤷ I would literally sell my kidney to see her in Beijing 😫 ⤷ All the 'experts' only watch figure skating during the olympics, true fans know Ama is stronger than that and WILL get her gold 💪 ⤷ she won't, lol ⤷ You saw how she silenced that journalist? There is still 🔥 in her

Amaliya's Instagram post wasn't the only place of discussion on the Internet. Many started much earlier, just after the scores and were still getting more comments. New posts on many platforms still appeared, went viral, divided people even more into attackers and defenders.

And first and foremost, articles. Of course, because a breakdown of an eighteen year old girl clicks. 'Despair on ice – Svetlanova's breakdown', 'Olympic medalist, yet in pieces', 'Insight the Tutberidze method', ''I will never get on the ice again! I hate you all!' behind Svetlanova's reaction to the Olympic medal', 'Drama on Olympic ice, that's not how sport should look', 'Historical podium, but at what price'. And many many more.

Some criticized her, some tried to explain her reaction, some were openly rude. Her outburst after the scores was already translated, not only in articles, but also in numerous posts on different platforms. Whole threads on Reddit dedicated to that breakdown, skating Twitter more active than ever, fan accounts on Instagram constantly posting. There was more attention on her than on the Olympic Champion.

Amaliya ignored them, despite that they were all over her feed whatever app she entered. The person who didn't scroll past them was Max.

@ username *a screenshot from the transmission, Amaliya looking at Eteri with tears streaming down her face, mascara smudged*

'Why is everyone favoured over me?! Why am I never anyone's first choice?!' I'm not crying, you are 💔😭

– I can't imagine what she was feeling (and still does)... Was horrible enough to watch it live ⤷ my heart broke even though I didn't understand what she was saying, but now, with translations... 😭😭😭

– That's what happens when you create athletes with only one purpose: to win. ⤷ I'd even risk the term 'groom' them for that... those girls skate through injuries and sicknesses just for the sake of a medal and later get forgotten ⤷ for an olympic medal they get a lifetime monthly salary, so I kind of get the desire to get it. But it's absolutely toxic to make them believe they're worthless without gold

– still shouldn't react like that on cameras. ⤷ oh come on, THEY shouldn't film HER ⤷ girl never got higher scores than in her first senior season, I'd be frustrated as hell too. How long can you keep it in? ⤷ Even more heartbreaking: Ama is underscored because Zhenya in Eteri's favourite, but those two girls are bestfriends despite that 💔😭

@ username *four photos compared: – Matteo sitting with head down on the court after losing match for the olympic gold, compared with Amaliya crouching with face hidden in her hands – Matteo visibly devastated after a loss, in the background little Amaliya and family on the stands, compared with Amaliya crying on the ice, with him and family on the stands* Like father like daughter 💔

– posting was optional btw 😭

– In two years they will be watching Leo at the Olympics, I'm not ready 😥 ⤷ kind of crazy I will watch all of them at the olympics... I'm old. ⤷ I need to get more tissues for that

– except Matteo experienced loss in the final two times 💔 ⤷ Ama will get her olympic gold at Beijing and break the family curse, trust ⤷ Or Leo, keep my fingers crossed already

– Matteo and Leo are sad, meanwhile her mom looks like she's just disappointed... ⤷ because she's an evil woman, idk what Matteo sees in her ⤷ any proofs? She may just look like that in the photo ⤷ Ama never spoke positively about her mother, if at all. Never even called her 'mom'. Meanwhile she often spoke about dad and brother with a smile. There is much more going on behind the scenes than we know. I wouldn't be surprised if she was as bad as Eteri.

@ username Skaters on Amaliya's Olympic breakdown: Yuzuru Hanyu: 'For all of us here it means much to be here and we sacrificed much to make it. I have a great respect for her and empathise with her. I hope she gets all the reassurance she needs right now.' Nathan Chen: 'I myself missed on the podium just a few days ago and very well understand her, especially that it was just one fall that wasn't fully her fault. You can't really do much when the blade catches in the groove. Great respect she managed to get into the jump.' Meanwhile Adam Rippon...: 'We all had moments when things went wrong, but there is a difference between being sad and lashing out at everyone around you. Especially at the Olympics, and when you're at the podium. The skate was good, but people will remember that childish attitude. If you can't handle a loss, don't compete. She made it all about herself.' 💀

– Why am I not even surprised? 😑

– He's kind of right... ⤷ he totally missed the context. 'childlish attitude'? she had a full emotional breakdown, maybe even bordering on panic attack. To call it like that is ignorance.

– I'm curious how he would react if he was raised in tutberidze camp... ah, I forgot, he wouldn't last a day there 😂 ⤷ but why hate on others for their opinion? Tbh nothing excuses such a behaviour ⤷ You all justify the abuse of those girls because 'that's elite sport', 'that's how you create a champion', but when someone breaks suddenly is a villain. Where sense?

– Nathan 💔 Two Olympic Champions in my heart (though still very happy for Yuzuru) ⤷ Don't know if it's right place, but I kind of shipped them, and now I do more... ⤷ YESSS the goats, and their older brother and mentor Yuzuru 🥺

– 'the skate was good' said about only woman in the current field that can do a triple axel, multiple champion, never out of podium, records holder 💀The ego of that guy... ⤷ and her 3A is better than half of the men's field... not to mention her combos with it. she was just unlucky yesterday

– did you all magically forget that after her outburst Ama went to congratulate Alina and Evgenia?

The more Max read, the less he could focus on what he should. The first thing that hit him were multiple translations of what Amaliya shouted after the scores. About how she's never enough, no one's first choice. How she hates everything, everyone, the sport and it's the worst thing that happened to her and she will never get on the ice again.

Of course those were things said in extreme emotions and didn't have to be true, but they hit nonetheless. You don't say such things just like that, just because you feel sad. You keep the bottled up until you can't any longer.

Then he saw the press conference and how she carried on. Despite her voice breaking from time to time, she looked much better than after the skate. And had that bite in her answers, when she didn't like a question.

Scrolling through all this, press conference, people's posts, articles, made him frustrated, because there was nothing he could do. Thousands of kilometers away, without a single answer from her.

He read their – or rather his – last messages, slowly, looking for something that could have triggered her. But he found nothing. He was just being supportive, pointing to the future, that it's not the end of the world. He just wanted to help and she totally ignored him, as if he was being rude.

It was logical for him. There obviously are emotions, but in the end you have to move on, improve and try again. It's easier when there is someone supporting you, that's who he wanted to be to her. And she told him to shut up and then left him on read.

He opened her latest Instagram post once again, his thumb hovering over the comment button. That could possibly bring her attention, maybe she wouldn't ignore him, but at the same time hundreds of other people would also see it and start talking about it. And the last thing she needed right now was even more attention.

What he noticed was a new story from her, that wasn't there a dozen of minutes ago when he last checked. *on the black background* 'I already said everything I needed to say. Losing is not the same for someone who knows they could have won. I have nothing more to add.'

Max frowned, for a moment wondering what it was about. Only a few seconds later he realised it was probably regarding that comment some other skater did, that raised much controversy. This answer will probably create another wave of comments. He himself might not know the realities of figure skating training, but from what he saw, to call her breakdown a childish behaviour... Not nice, to say at least. Maybe he's a little biased, but he takes her side on this one.

He tapped to answer the story.

Max: Ignore that guy, it's not worth your time and nerves Max: How are you by the way?

Nothing. She was probably busy, with media duties or something. Well, even when she clearly wasn't, because she read that, she still didn't care enough to answer.

Max: If I don't understand something, explain. I want to understand

He really wanted to be patient. To be understanding, that it was a very hard moment for her, that she might want to be alone, to process all what happened. That she might not be in the mood for talking, but come. Even one word answer. Or 'not now', 'I'll text later', 'I need time', anything, but not silence.

He couldn't help but get angry as every next message he sent she kept leaving him on read. She didn't block him. Didn't ignore his texts completely, no. She read them, and... that's all. Went about her day. Not giving a shit he was worried, wanted to know what he did wrong. She chose to punish him with silence.

Max: Can we talk like adults? Nothing. He waited for a few minutes and typed again, a bit more aggressively. Max: I'm trying to understand what you want from me (if anything at all) and you make it impossible Max: If you want me to fuck off, then have the guts and tell me

It was so frustrating. She was online, clearly waiting on the chat, because as soon as the message was sent it was marked as read. When there was a problem, he was used to solving it instantly. Not wait, drag the thing and complain. No. You have a problem? You solve it! You don't like something? You say it! Confront it, don't gaslight yourself that it doesn't exist, don't put it off.

Max: I SEE YOU'RE READING IT. YOU'RE ONLINE. Max: HONESTLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

The longer she was silent, the more he felt like throwing his phone away. Like screaming or kicking – or hitting – something. He wished he could grab her by the shoulders and shake her into consciousness. To have her say something, anything.

But Ama? From how she interpreted everything, she got hurt. Deeply. She wanted empathy, understanding. Pulling her mind away from the situation around her. Not a solution. And now, instead of answering and telling why she's mad, she decided to do the worst thing she could do – read, but don't answer. She couldn't stay away to not read, but was stubborn enough, staying by her rights, to not text back.

And didn't care she might push away people she cares about.

Max: We text constantly for over half a year, I wake up for your calls, answer as soon as I have time, stay up late watching, to support you. If you still don't realise, I genuinely like you and WANT TO HELP YOU Max: Are you mad I didn't say exactly what you wanted to hear? That yes, everything's lost, it's over, we should just kill ourselves because nothing has sense anymore? Max: Surprise, it does. You're still an amazing athlete and person, and I believe you can still achieve your dream. Just the next time

Him mentioning 'next time' didn't help at all to make her answer. It didn't feel like reassurance, more like pressure she always lived with. 

Max: Tell me what you want so I know what to do. Visibly I'm not good enough in that whole 'reading signals' For a second her finger hovered over the text box, but she didn't click it. She can't let him see those three dots. There is nothing to explain, he should have known. If he doesn't it's not her problem. Even if it hurts her a bit to not answer. Even if she misses their relationship. But does it even have sense now?

Max: Really? Max: Okay, take your damn time. Max: But don't twist my words, I was trying to help Max: I still want to Max: You're impossible

Amaliya sighed and blocked her phone. Her world really seemed to fall apart since the loss.

The next day brought her one of the last moments in the Olympic Village. The exhibition gala, where she had to perform, despite that she'd rather stay in the room.

On the other hand, the gala was easier to do, than even thinking about Worlds. Here nothing was scored, nothing mattered. It was supposed to be just fun, skaters showing their passion for the sport. A bit hard, when currently she hated the only thing she believed she was good at.

But she smiled. Smiled when her moment to perform came, it was even that much forced. She enjoyed that program, it was lighthearted. When she skated, people started clapping to the rhythm of the music. All that made her forget for those few minutes that she missed on her dream. In that short moment of the day she was back to being herself not only because she had to convince everyone that everything is alright, but mostly because she... just was happy.

Happy she could bring a smile to people's faces. Give them some fun, not only drama. Present something they will maybe remember, and cherish that memory as years will pass.

Coming back to reality was worse.

Realising she's gonna have places to be, questions to answer, live to life. Back to Moscow, to her apartment. To the training complex. It all makes her feel as if something was nailing her down to the ground – besides the Worlds, a little bit at least. Maybe she'll feel better if she wins them?

And later? Who knows.

She glanced at her phone, at hundreds of messages she would have to answer eventually, at least her family. She wouldn't want them to knock on her door on a random Tuesday.

Then she looked to the side, at Evgenia, who was sleeping peacefully, as the plane cut the air. Amaliya could only be jealous, she could never sleep on the plane, no matter how long the travel was and how tired she felt. Never, not even a short nap. So with a sigh she skipped to the next song on her earphone and looked through the window.

"At least we're going back to Johnny, huh?" she murmured to the cactus plushie she was resting her chin against. "I wish you could speak and give me some advice. Though maybe it's better like this, at least we will never argue."

As she was on the plane, she didn't receive next messages Max sent yet, but soon after landing they'd come:

Max: I shouldn't have snapped like that, sorry Max: You're in much emotions already, you don't need more from me Max: But I'm not taking back what I said and still don't understand with what I annoyed you so much to stop talking with me Max: I watched the press conference once again Max: Know what's crazy? You visibly barely kept it together, but answered everything. But won't speak with me. You can do that all for strangers and idk, image?, but can't send me one message Max: Even 'leave me alone' or 'fuck off' if you're so mad Max: Or block me Max: How can I understand if you don't let me in? What, you're afraid I'll open the window and scream it to the world to know?  Max: Maybe I'll stop for now, there is clearly no progress... But know I value our relationship. And hope you do too Max: Take care of yourself 

~

– I want to know what they take for their knees. Mine are dying for walking upstairs 😭 ⤷ tape. there are many training videos where it's visible how skaters have tape on knees, ankles or even lower back ⤷ believe me, theirs are also dying. Especially without a gram of muscles around ⤷ Even more with a quad. That's a very massive impact on joints, and Ama is not bending her leg as much as she should ⤷ she's one of the best out there, she knows what she's doing

– And who said women can't jump quads?! Where are all the haters here?! ⤷ until she does it in competition it doesn't count. Many things from practise never make it to the programs ⤷ She can do it only because she's underweight. How much longer can she keep it up? ⤷ since when her weight is a public info??? 🤨 ⤷ still you need much strength to do a quad tho, I can't even do all doubles

– THE queen for a reason 👑💅 ⤷ Miss Triple–A, Miss Precision, now also Miss Quad–T? 👀

– what are they feeding these russians??? ⤷ Apparently, abuse. ⤷ It's called 'discipline' and 'ambition' 😉 ⤷ Just a typical slavic queen (I know she's half italian, don't go after me 🙄)

– Ohhh, I see the future and it's bright ⤷ I see the future and it's early retirement ⤷ I mean, if she wins Olympics what's left to achieve? She got all the other golds at 15, you were probably crying over math at that age ⤷ better than having a ruined body at 18

Amaliya hadn't seen it yet, when she was watching the men's free skate. She posted a story – like from the day before, of the short program – and slid the phone back to the pocket, focusing on the competitors.

The competition left her in a good mood. The one she was cheering for the most, Yuzuru, managed to defend his Olympic Champion title and she couldn't be happier for him. For all the medalists, to be honest, and she knew them personally, and they were passing each other in the corridors. The one she felt sad for was Nathan Chen, who because of a bad short program ended up out of the podium, in fifth place.

She found him backstage, they spoke for a while and hugged. She told him how great his free was and assured, that the next time he'll get the gold. And didn't let go of the hug until he first pulled away. It was always strange for her to think about their friendship and future, because they were the same age (she was only twenty–three days younger) yet their paths were so different. When she was debuting in seniors and called a prodigy, he was still in juniors. And now, when she was thinking she's close to the end of her competitive career, she was at the same time one hundred percent sure he'll get that gold in four years from now.

Her humour dropped even more, when she saw that video of her. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't decided to read the comments.

Of course she was aware that someone may film her doing it, but being aware and actually seeing it and what reactions it brought, were two different things. Now people were expecting her to do it, meanwhile she hadn't even spoken about it with her coach yet.

And the things people were saying about her again... About her health, how her body is destroyed and it's just a matter of not–so–long until it falls apart. Some even mentioned things like knee surgery, as if she'd need that in order to be able to walk, after all the things she put her joints through – without enough muscles apparently. But none of them knows how much it takes to get to that four rotation. Achieving all the triples when she was little was hard enough, and then keep them through the body growth. That's why she had a weight to stick to. To remain consistent, to not lose jumps. It wasn't abuse, it was tactics. Other things also. That's why they're the best in the world. Even if it doesn't last for years, isn't it better to peak, win everything and retire, start living a normal life, than achieve nothing through the whole career, but be 'a veteran'?

Is longevity worth anything, if you don't win a single event? No one will remember you unless you win, do something incredible, record breaking. She prefers it how it is. At least she has a good chance of winning, not like all those who 'skate because they love it'. Of course... She also loves it, but... Why would she compete if there was no winning chance? It's not for her. Making all the sacrifices just for the sake of... what? Someone maybe watching?

The closer it got to the competition, the less she was active online and more focused on her performance. She still was dry towards her dad. She, Zhenya and Alina were more tense in the interactions with each other, as they were slowly more and more competitors than friends.

Also her relation with Max worsened a bit because of it, in terms of how often she was answering. She called him again once, when she was watching Yuzuru's free skate, because 'he had to see that'. After that it was back to text and occasional voice messages. It was similar. Like: Max: How's the diva feeling today?

Ama: Tired

Sometimes she was coming up with funny answers, sometimes just plain and honest. The unchanging thing was him checking on her, which she found kind of cute – even if also a bit irritating, making her realise how bad she actually feels. No one was giving her so much attention, not that kind of it. Asking, caring. Even if it took just a short moment to write such a text, people close to her didn't think of it. Not so often at least.

And surely not her coaching team. Even if they did, she couldn't answer truthfully.

Two days before her start she decided to have a talk with Eteri, about a quadruple toe loop. Before the practice session, when they were discussing what to focus on today.

"I thought of switching the sole triple axel to quad toe. I'm quite consistent with it, and would be worth more points." she started, adjusting her training bag on her shoulder.

"Yes, but you never attempted it in competition." Eteri answered rather dryly.

"There's always the first time for everything. Besides–"

"Olympics is not place for experiments." she interrupted, not letting her finish her thought. "It's better to stay with what you already know and have done many times. Successfully."

"But... I don't feel as confident with it as before my illness. I'd rather–"

"And you're more confident with something you never did?" she cut in once more, stopping. Amaliya stopped as well, looking away, because she didn't know what to answer. "You can do it. I can't control what you end up doing in the competition." she gestured towards the rink they were heading. "But my advice is to not overdo it." she leaned it, put hand on Amaliya's shoulder and brought her closer. "You can win without it. Do you want to miss your chance? Something we worked for so long?"

There was a moment of silence from Amaliya's side. She turned her gaze back, raising her head up and looking at Eteri. She met a serious gaze, something that made her doubt herself. The last thing she wanted was to lose, she didn't know what she'd do. Eteri coached her since she was a little child, she brought her to the top of the sport and if someone knew what to do, it was her.

She was like a second mother to her, maybe knew her and her potential better than her biological mother. Better than anyone. She led her through the training, beginning of competitive career, to the biggest international junior stage and the senior one. Never off the podium, absolute top of women's skating. She holds multiple records, including the ones for scores, would she achieve it without her? No. It's their work, through early mornings, tantrums, and injuries. She can throw it away because of a 'feeling'.

"I don't." Amaliya finally answered.

"Go put on your skates, there is no time to lose." Eteri hugged her briefly and let go, leaving her in the corridor as she headed to the rink.

* * *

It wasn't the first time Amaliya was the last to perform, closing the competition day or whole event. During the short program it felt... Okay. Similar to the team event, just bigger. Skating for her own scores, not team's. By the time it was her turn to warm–up it was already over three hours in the event, and to perform almost four hours in. Well, just typical what being in the last group to perform meant.

It also meant she saw some of the performances – not all, as she had other things to do that sit and watch – the good and the bad ones, both influencing her. Fails made her think about possibilities of her failing too, clean ones reminding her she needs to be perfect if she wants to beat them. Or at least the triple axel has to be perfect. That's her biggest weapon, especially as she was the only woman jumping it, no other even attempted it.

Her only problem was component scores, those usually left her disappointed and she never got used to it. This time she also wasn't content with her scores. 85.23. Still in the lead, but by less than three points in front of Alina and then Zhenya. Less than in the team event, meanwhile she felt she did better here.

That left her more stressed about the free skate. It has to be perfect. Every. Single. Element.

The day between the short and free passed slowly and quickly at the same time. Before she realised, she was taking the guards off and getting on the ice for a six minute warm–up. The pressure there, she was glancing around more than usually, making sure to not bump into anyone.

She mostly skated around, testing how the edges felt and then did a few single jumps to get into the feeling. Only after that she started with sole elements of the program. A few jumps in combination, not too much in order to not strain herself too much – even if her turn would come in like an hour.

Waiting for it was torture. Especially that she was aware that people were talking, everyone into the sport, discussing and arguing who's gonna get the gold. In the off–ice warm–up area, where she was doing a few more exercises, she watched Alina's performance. She put her every jump in the second half of the program... Wow. Even though she was alone there, she clapped. It was great, and set the bar high.

The time came to put on the skates again and she felt nauseous. How her whole life came down to just four minutes, that were about to come? Her whole value in such a short time, that was frightening. Everyone will judge her based on that performance.

Max: Remember to breathe

She didn't even smile at her phone, as she saw that message come when she was tying up her skates, with music on the earphones.

When she picked up the phone – after she was done with the skates – at first she wanted to ask him to not watch. Just in case something goes bad. She even typed it, but then deleted, biting on her lower lip.

Ama: I know

The answer was simple, but she couldn't force her brain to come up with anything better.

Max: No matter what happens, everyone's proud of you Max: Or at least I'm proud. You put one hell of work to get there and no one will ever take that and all your achievements from you. Got it?

Ama: You're my motivation coach since when?

Max: Since you need it

That stopped her when she wanted to already put her phone away. She wanted to ask when did she give an impression that she needs this, but then three dots appeared and the next message came.

Max: I saw you killing that skipping rope

Oh, so that part of the warm–up must have been transmitted. Oh well...

Ama: I was just jumping 🤨 I do it every day

Max: You did it pretty aggressively Max: Anyway, remember to breathe, have some fun out there, enjoy your moment. You've got this 💙

Max's hand hovered over the heart emoji for a long moment until he decided to add it. And when he decided, he didn't know which colour to use. When did sending a heart emoji become so hard? Maybe since he felt as if he was the one to skate, not her.

Amaliya was by the boards, when Evgenia was finishing her performance. She had a clean skate, though as soon as the music ended, she started crying. Even without scores she already knew her best right now wasn't enough to beat Alina's score. That broke Ama's heart, but she had to be focused on herself. On the ice there are no friends, not with medals at stake.

"Here we go, the last to compete, last figure skating performance of these Olympics and oh my, we've been waiting for it. The last person who can beat Zagitova's score. A decider, whether we will have a historic podium sweep or not." the commentator's voice went somewhere past Max's ears when he was watching, too focused on the image.

"Two time and current russian champion, two time european champion, two time and current grand prix final champion and a world champion. Holder of many records. Also coached by Eteri Tuteberidze, first after short, skating to Giselle." another commentator stated, a woman's voice this time.

Amaliya got into the starting position with her heart beating faster than ever. Every pair of eyes on her, including the ones of her brother and dad. And in her mind still that cursed quad, as she was torn between attempting it and listening to her coach. She was aware everyone who saw that video was waiting for her to do it competition. Especially after TV decided to show their own recorded attempts from practises.

She went through the first steps without a problem, feeling the music and story she was supposed to say through moves, even if it probably wasn't going to be appreciated. The chance was in the technical side of the program.

Full of uncertainty she approached the first jumping pass, a combo.

"Opening with a huge triple axel triple loop combo. Gives you a glimpse of what a unique skater she is."

Amaliya could swear she forgot for a moment how to breathe, when she threw herself into that triple axel, never sure if she gets good enough landing to do a loop. But it worked out. One done, one to go.

For the second triple axel, she took longer at the entrance. With the first one she threw herself into the air without much thought, but now, as she managed to do the first one, stakes were suddenly higher. She looked down just briefly, not noticing the groove she pushed her blade into, as she entered the jump. She felt it when already setting off.

There were just two ways out of this situation: Either she totally loses the edge and falls without even getting into the air or makes and fights it in order to attempt the jump anyway. Of course she did the latter.

Though because the entrance was off, the rotation and height also weren't as they were supposed to be, and she missed just enough rotation to feel how her blades caught on the ice. Not being able to hold onto the edge, way too deep edge. She felt it slipping away and she already knew what was coming.

She hit the ice with her side, hip first. But not a single wince, not a grimace, just pushed herself up quickly and continued.

Even if inside she wanted to stop and get off the ice already. In the first moment, the moment she knew she was going to fall, she wanted someone to just shoot her. End it, end all of it, free her from it, so she doesn't have to finish the program. Then to just disappear. Forget it ever happened. Or turn back time and look down at the ice. Or attempt a quad toe instead. Or never get into skating at all. Or be born just one year earlier, so she would peak at the 2014 Olympics.

But she couldn't do any of it. On a pure, trained habit, she went on to continue with the program.

"Oh my, it looked like she lost the edge on the entrance, but we will see on the replays."

"I don't remember the last time I saw her fall."

Max at first grimaced and moved his head back from the screen – only then he realised how much he was leaning in. Maybe it was just a morning hallucination. Or still a dream. No, it was real. A mistake he was always afraid to witness, with a tension too big to sit still.

The fall looked brutal, especially the way her hip hit the ice. He himself had fallen a few times on the ice on his ass, but to fall from a jump must have hurt more. But she got up without breaking the expression for even a second. That's something he admired with all of the skaters, how they just got up and moved on.

"Shhh." he murmured at Sassy, who jumped onto the bed. Then she made her way to stand in front of the laptop on which he was watching. "Not now." He grabbed her and pulled to his chest, so she won't walk to cover the screen again.

Amaliya went on with the program, but that fall never left her mind. Not even when she successfully performed all the rest of her jumps. What was there to be happy about, when she failed herself and that little girl's dream she once had?

The final spin was at the same time liberating and crushing her down. She hadn't held the final pose, bursting into tears as soon as the final note ended. She leaned and hid her face in her face, not wanting to show the tears, how heartbroken she was. Even the loud clapping, the standing ovation, didn't break into her mind. All that was in her mind was that fall. Over and over, and over...

"What a performance... Despite that fall, incredible."

"Doesn't mean the gold medal has slipped away, there were other high–scoring elements that may make up for it. But we have to wait for the scores."

"Yeah, but... Heartbreaking sight. Hope she gets the consolation she deserves and assurance how talented she is. Triple axel triple loop? You don't see it even in the men's category."

She sucked it up for a moment, to bow to the audience and get off the ice, not picking up any plushie on the way. She basically crashed into Eteri's arms, not bothering to put on blade guards yet. Just got into her arms and burst into tears once again, hiding her face in her shoulder.

"Another skater crying, not easy to look at. But they're all highly competitive, exceptional athletes, it was unfortunately bound to happen."

"Honestly, I wish we could just give gold to all of them, they all deserve it. They're the greatest for a reason."

Eteri tried to move away, but then Amaliya held onto her tighter and turned her face further away from the camera that she knew was on her right.

"Come on, wait for the scores." Eteri moved hand down her head and then moved away, giving her blade guards.

On the transmission, the slow motions appeared on the screen. Including the one of that failed jump.

"You can see the blade catch into the groove that someone left there, probably from salchow or loop take off. It's a wonder she jumped from it. And almost fully rotated."

"The boldness and quick thinking she has is admirable for sure."

Amaliya sat in the Kiss & Cry as if she was waiting for an execution. Well, maybe she was. For the scores that will decide whether she overreacted or was it just a beginning. Eteri put Amaliya's tissue holder and the cactus plushie on her lap, but she didn't bother grabbing it. She just looked at the screen, waiting for the scores to come.

"You didn't look down, don't cry now." despite the warm hand on her shoulder, the words were cold. And the message was obvious: it's her fault. If she loses, she only has herself to blame, no one else.

She grabbed a tissue and wiped the area under her eyes. Probably she was already looking horrible because of all the mascara that was most likely around her eyes. No tissue could help with that, but at least she could blow her nose.

When the scores finally came, her heart stopped for a moment.

"Third? Only third? Sorry, I'm just... Surprised with the scores."

For a moment, everything stopped. In that short second when she saw the scores and her surname on the third place, her whole world crumbled. Everything she worked for her whole life disappeared. All her work didn't matter, wasn't worth anything. The only thing she ever wanted is gone.

And she can do nothing to change it. Her one and only chance is gone. What can she do now? Does she even have any purpose? After that first moment of shock passed, she hid her face in hands again and leaned into her coach, bursting into tears once more, not calming down even as she was embraced.

"It's still a Russian podium sweep though, a painful but historic moment. We only had that in... 1956?" the male commentator said, though both of the commentators visibly struggled to keep a tone. First Evgenia's tears, now Amaliya's – even worse ones, as she didn't even try to force a fake smile.

"Yes, in the men's category. The United States achieved that. Though this is even bigger, one coach sweep. Russian and Eteri Tutberidze can be really proud of those girls."

Max felt heartbroken himself when she saw Ama's reaction to the scores. He didn't know much about the scoring system in skating, but taken the commentators first reaction – shock – he could conclude it was something unexpected. His gaze went to the live chat of the transmission, to read some of the messages that were now coming too quickly to read without scrolling back.

– THIRD??? COME ONNN – The judges once again said: Nope, we are not putting you over Evgenia – they put her higher in europeans, why underscore her now again? 😭 – Amaliya 💔💔💔 – I want score sheets on my desk NOWWW – that's a clear robbery, she has all right to cry – favourite never wins 😭💔 – she fell though... – Even with that fall she should win, I share commentator's surprise – Can't she keep it gracefully together like Zhenya?

Meanwhile Amaliya didn't know what to do with herself, when she walked out of the Kiss & Cry area. She stood there, not even holding her plushie or tissue holder, she left those with the coaches. Tears were still going down her face, but didn't help with accepting what just happened. She'd probably never accept it.

Eteri approached her, raising hand to probably put it on her shoulder and guide her away, to the area where Evgenia and Alina were, but she abruptly moved away.

"Don't touch me." she spoke in russian, turning away, wiping her eyes – for nothing, as tears continued to come.

"Don't act like that, wipe the tears and–"

"No! I hate it! For what am I supposed to go there? I'm not first, I don't want to go!" this time it was her interrupting, gesturing towards the mentioned area. "Don't touch me!" she moved away again, at the attempt of... what? Comforting? Scolding?

"You're making a scene."

"I don't care! I hate you! I hate all of it, I hate this sport!" her breath started to get irregular again, as tears were blurring her vision. At first she didn't even see the camera, that of course had to appear there, to film everything. To show it live to the viewers. To sell the emotions of a broken teenager. And make it even harder for commentators. "Why is everyone favoured over me?! Why am I never anyone's first choice?!"

"Calm down..." Eteri walked over, outstretching free hand – as with the other she was holding Amaliya's plushie.

"What have I done to you?! Why do you never want me to win?!" Amaliya moved away again, only then noticing the camera. She started to walk away, looking for a spot where she would be left alone, but both cameraman and Eteri followed her – alongside with some other people from the team. "I hate this sport! It's the worst thing that ever happened to me! I will never get on the ice again! I hate all of you!"

She walked over to the wall, turning her head away from the camera that was still trying to catch a glimpse of her tear–streaked face. Finally no one tried to touch her, to comfort her when she didn't want that. She stood there for a moment, before crouching down, with her back against the wall.

Once more she covered her face with hands, her whole body shivering from the crying. She didn't care if everyone heard her say that. At that moment that was exactly how she felt. She hated her team, hated that sport. She sacrificed everything for it and got nothing in return.

At that moment she really hated it, with all her heart. She couldn't imagine ever walking out on the ice, not even casually, not to mention performing. Her only goal will forever remain unachieved.

Now she understood why she and Alina were chosen for the team event. Eteri wanted Evgenia to win. If everything went 'well' and both team and Evgenia won, all of her students would have an Olympic Gold. She was always favoured, Amaliya just didn't want to accept she's no one's number one. Never had the courage to say it out loud. But now? Nothing mattered anymore, so she could as well scream her lungs out.

It took her a dozen minutes to calm down enough to get up and walk for a tissue, to wipe her face off the tears. She had to survive this, survive until she's in the safety of the room and can cry again.

She finally walked to that area where she was supposed to be, on the way putting on the team jacket, as the cold of the rink was eventually getting to her.

"Congratulations, you did great, you deserve it." she said, her voice breaking, as she hugged Alina.

"You also were awesome. Please, don't cry." Alina answered, and that earned an ironic chuckle from Amaliya. Easy to say, when you're an olympic champion.

"Congratulations to you as well." after letting go of Alina, she went to Zhenya, hugging her even harder than Alina.

"You were amazing." Evgenia murmured, hugging back just as hard. It was clear she was holding back tears too.

It was horrible. Standing there, waiting, watching stuff prepare the podium. Even worse was when she had to go out and stand on it. Before entering the ice she obviously had to take off the team jacket, but hasn't done that like always. She pulled it by the sleeves way too aggressively and showed it down on the ground, not caring that someone from the team would have to pick it up. The same she did with the guards, just took them off and let them fall on the ground.

It really pained her that it was just a Flower Ceremony and not medals already. Meant she'll have to get through this all again tomorrow, feel the disappointment, humiliation, hold back tears, force a smile. She constantly glanced to the side, at the screen that showed a close up of the podium, to check how she looks. Is she smiling good enough, if she managed to wipe her smeared make up good enough.

It was torturous minutes. Not even the thought that it was a historic event, historic sweep, could make it better. She didn't wait for more photos, or to get the flag and skate around with it – like all three of them did after Europeans, where they also swept the podium. Then they were happy, giggling as they held the flag over their heads. Now there was nothing to honestly smile about.

When she finally got to go to the locker room, she sat there and just looked at the skates on her feet without reaching for them. Her teammates already left and she was still sitting there, staring. Only when she heard the door open and recognized the steps, she leaned and started to unlace them.

"You can't act like that. You know how it looks like?" she heard the voice, that since she remembered one moment was affectionate, and the very next one was sharp and unforgiving.

"I don't care." she answered, not even looking up.

There was a moment of silence, long enough for Amaliya to take off her skates and put them on the bench, next to her, as she reached for boots.

"It's not the end of the world. You just have to work harder next time."

Those Eteri's words made her stop her movements.

What 'next time'? The next Olympics? The ones her body will not survive to compete in? The ones where there will already be another girls ready to sacrifice everything for the Olympic Gold? Another, who will leave the event in the same state as she does? That Olympics?

She didn't know if she should cry again or laugh. She was done. So she did something else, without hesitation.

"There is no 'next time' and we both know it! Get out!" she grabbed her skates and threw them at Eteri.

Luckily, guards were on the blades and Eteri dodged them just in time. They hit the wall, maybe even breaking, but Amaliya couldn't care less. Right now she really couldn't imagine putting them on her feet again.

"Get yourself together. Worlds are in a month." no outburst, no anger. Just cold, commanding tone and shutting door behind, leaving Amaliya alone in the room.

Slowly, she put on her boots and then reached for her bag, taking out water and her phone. Her head was aching, the same for the ankle and knee, and the new bruise she got on a hip today. She didn't move to pick up her skates, they could wait next to the wall. Or she could as well not take them at all, just leave there. Maybe come for them after a press conference. Or not.

Water went down her dry throat, feeling like heaven after not drinking since morning and crying. Probably the best thing that happened to her today. On her phone there were obviously already dozens of notifications she didn't feel like reading right now.

Her dad, brother, other skaters. Notifications about articles, about posts and comments on Instagram... Nothing she wanted to see. Also notifications from the only person she wanted to hear anything from right now. Someone who could maybe take her thoughts away from her life falling apart.

Max: You may not want to answer now, but... Please, tell me you're okay now. That you calmed down, that there is someone for you

No. There is no one. She doesn't want anyone from her team to be with her, they dismiss or don't understand her. And he shouldn't dwell on that as well, he's supposed to be her treat.

Ama: Yes

She typed, as if it answered all the questions, all his concerns. It was supposed to close the topic and make the conversation move on, but it didn't.

Max: Yes... What?

Ama: I'm okay, drop it

Max: I don't know what you shouted, but didn't look like 'okay' Max: I'm just worried

I don't need your concern, anyone's concern. And pity. 

Ama: If you're to lecture me, then better shut up

Okay, that was sharp. Made his frown, but eventually he ignored it, as he himself was not easy to deal with when annoyed about the race's outcome.

Max: But you did great. Really. It was wonderful to watch you Max: I know what you feel, but in the end it's just sport, it happens Max: You lost now, but at least you still have something to strive for. You'll get the whole collection

How dare he claim he knows what she feels and just after that, that 'at least you still have something to strive for'?! It's not a progress, not a step, it was supposed to be a culmination of her career. She doesn't want a 'collection', all colours of medals, she wants gold. Only that, not some worthless silver or bronze, a consolation prize.

She's done. It was her only chance. She won't last long enough to even try for the 2022 Olympics spot. There already are younger, smaller and – most importantly – less injured girls than her. For now they're in juniors, but they'll leave them in a season or two and then what? She'll be discarded, broken beyond repair.

He dismissed her pain just like that.

When the only thing she wanted was to get away from emotions swirling inside her and he was the only person who could do that, he betrayed her.

Max: I'm just saying it's not over, I know you're not done Max: You had bad luck, but it already happened. Doesn't erase all great things you achieved There is no 'bad luck', I should have looked down. Or don't listen to Eteri and attempt a quad. It's my fault. I knew they wouldn't give me the score unless I forced them to. Max: Now you look where is a space for improvement and get even better Max: Four years is more than enough to improve Max: Ama? Max: Don't disappear on me now, I see you read this

With every second when she didn't answer and not even dots of typic appeared, he felt more and more nervous. Why did she suddenly stop? What did he say?

Max: I'm trying to help you Max: Let me help you He was so concerned and heartbroken from the moment she burst into tears after finishing her performance. It was hard to continue watching, especially when she exploded and started screaming through tears. He didn't know Russian, didn't know what she shouted, but it would probably make it even sadder.

Comments on the chat didn't make it better. Calling her a spoiled brat, someone who doesn't deserve any medal if can't appreciate it, with poor sportsmanship, who can't take the rough with the smooth. And then suddenly many Russian fans appeared on the chat, defending their athlete.

Meanwhile what he saw was a young girl, who endured too much and finally had enough. Shouldn't be a surprise the breakdown happened on the biggest international stage, yet that only made it even more painful.

Not to mention how disgusting it was for the cameraman to follow her, when she was clearly trying to hide away. Max: Just answer

Max approached the topic looking at his own experiences. You lose, you're annoyed, you improve, you go on, you win. There is always another race, another chance.

What he didn't understand, was that he can't take the logic from racing to skating. He had another occasion next year. She mostly also, but not with the Olympics. Those were once in four years, some only had a chance once to get a medal there, and those were skaters in a much better state than hers.

She? Last another four long years? And remain competitive? No way. She's already constantly tired, her ankle injury seems to start to come back, her knee starts to have pains also, as it compensates for the ankle – and the same comes for the hip. She won't survive much longer in that regime and nowhere else she will achieve what she did here.

For now she doesn't even want to think about putting on skates. About doing an exhibition gala, about coming back to training, about going to Worlds. And the next season? Maybe there is no next season for her. There is no point of still enduring it all when there is no purpose.

Max: Please

Max put a hand on his forehead, later holding the bridge of the nose between fingers. For a moment he thought of mentioning that he saw the documentary. That maybe, just maybe, that would make her answer. Maybe even open up, if he says he already knows about some things she endured.

On the other hand, it may make it even worse. He may scare her away, as she's already in a bad state. He sighed heavily and deleted what he was writing.

Time. He should give her some time. To calm down, to sort it all out in her head. Right now, with emotions all over the place it has no sense.

Max: Answer me when you feel better. Whenever it will be Max: Even if it's a call at 2 a.m. just to cry Max: Okay?

Seen. No answer.

~

To show she didn't like that, her answers whenever he called or texted were rather short and dry. She said it once: 'Papa, I told you I don't want her here' and that's enough. She won't change her attitude until he apologizes.

Still with that attitude lingering somewhere in her, she entered her practice day before the ladies' short program at the team event, which she's going to skate. Practices here were obviously different then back in Moscow, at the club. Those you could say were like those before normal competition, but... well, bigger. Everything was bigger.

There was more skaters, people entering and leaving, coaches at the boards. Sometimes it was hard to hear if someone was shouting at you, as voices were blending with each other. And of course media at the boards, sometimes more sometimes less. Accredited photographers, journalists and volunteers at times.

Amaliya was doing some edge work for the step sequence and then a little jump work, more warming up than actually jumping. With how music was changing rather quickly and you had to give way to those whose music was on, it was better to wait for her music to train full elements. Waiting, as her turn was next, she skated over to the boards, where Eteri was, to have a sip of water and get some tips on what is still to be improved.

Then she pushed off the boards and turned backwards, getting ready to get into the jump – as it was only part of her music, as for everyone, due to the limited amount of time – but then something completely different played. Immediately on her face appeared a confused expression, the type to go viral and become a reaction pic. She straightened up and put her hands on the hips, looking around and waiting for it to change. Someone in the direction of music had to realise his mistake, because a few seconds later the right music finally played.

She did the jumps and part of choreography for this section of the program, taking a break where the spin should be. Nothing out of the ordinary. After that she didn't have much time left and when she was done, she got off the ice and put guards on the blades.

But she didn't leave the rink yet. As there was still some time before the other activity in her schedule, she jumped on the board and sat on it – as boards here were wide enough and padded on each side. Then she switched, half laying on it and unlocked her phone. First she looked at Instagram and how the new post was doing, a photo of her, Evgenia, Alina and guys from the team starting in men's singles, sitting on and in the Olympic rings. And the second one, picturing also all six of them, but on the big 'PyeongChang 2018' installation.

She posted it yesterday and he still didn't like it. Will he even do it? What a stupid thinking from her... Her gaze raised at the rink and skaters, and sighed quietly she didn't even know why. Maybe from... everything. Too many reasons and not a single one she was thinking of, when looking hollowly at the ice.

After a few seconds spent like this, a thought came to her. Enough of photos and waiting, and overthinking. She has a bit of free time and will show him the rink at least. So she did, went to his contact and clicked the video call. First ever, it made her kind of stressed. It wasn't much different from normal calls, just... not only voice, also image.

If he picks up this impulsive call of course.

A signal passed, then another, then third... She was about to disconnect and just write something, but then the screen flickered. And she immediately regretted her decision.

"Oh my God–" she said, not too clearly as hand involuntarily went to cover her mouth.

Max was on her screen, with face half buried in the pillow, duvet high, almost covering his lips. Eyes barely open, visibly not used to the light of the phone screen yet. His hair was a total mess – or at least the part that was visible. Somewhere behind his head there was a slight movement that turned out to be the cat's tail.

Fuck, I forgot about the time difference...

"What time is it for you...?" she took hand off her mouth and asked gently. With that grimace, of someone who knows that just did something stupid without thinking, on her face.

"Night." he just murmured in an answer, moving hand through his hair and then wiping his eyes, as if it could help with anything.

Despite her embarrassment that she just woke him up, she had to admit he looked really cute like that. Hair all disheveled, sleepy, half closed eyes. Comfortable, head on a soft pillow, under the soft duvet... She slowly moved hands over her phone to take a screenshot of that.

Only then in the background she noticed something more than just a cat's tail. The little lion plushie she gave him was on the nightstand. A familiar warmth went over her heart like a blanket when she saw that.

"I'm so sorry, I forgot–" she had to stop, to chuckle out of pure embarrassment that still stung her. "I'll hang up."

"No." he murmured, wiping his eyes once more and reached for the phone, probably to turn the brightness down. "I picked up. And I'm awake now. What is it?"

Ama adjusted grip on her phone and sat up, looking to the side for a moment. What do I say now?

"I wanted to..." she glanced back at the phone, trailing off. "I'm sorry, but you look like a kitten that was just born." she couldn't stop herself from saying that, and covered her mouth again, feeling how her cheeks got a little warm.

"I need to shorten it a little." he brushed through his hair once again, in an attempt to tame them.

Despite his tiredness, Max felt a little smile appear on his lips at her comment. But to be honest, it felt much like a dream, with that comment and how slow thoughts were going through his mind. If it's a dream, it would be nice if it lasts a little longer.

"No, don't, they look great. Make you want to just..." she made a move with her hand over head, of disheveling hair. "...brush your hand through them. They're like a mane."

"I don't need a mane, I need comfort."

"I have longer hair than you, if you haven't noticed yet. And I fit them in a bun before every session on ice. Don't speak to me about comfort." these words earned her a huff from him, that was probably a laugh.

"I put on a helmet."

"Are there no women in the world who put on helmets?" she pointed out and in an answer Max covered his face with a duvet.

He looked so comfortable, so at peace despite being woken up in the middle of the night. For a moment she could forget she was at the cold rink and not in the comfort of a bed somewhere next to him. Despite the fact that she woke up not so long ago to feel tired already, she felt a need to lay down and cover herself up for even a quarter.

She laid back down on the board, holding the phone up over her face.

"Show me." he said, a little bit less like he was falling back to sleep. And he pulled the duvet down, revealing his face for a moment, before he covered his mouth again, to yawn.

"What?" she frowned.

"Where you are."

Amaliya switched the camera and tilted her phone to show the rink. Some people skating around, some at the boards talking with coaches, some skating part of the program. Typical things for her, he saw it for the first time from this perspective. She moved a little, turning on her belly to lay more comfortably, as she decided to share a little story from the last day.

"When I was leaving the gym yesterday, after some stretching, I bumped into a few hockey players." she started, switching the camera back to her. "And you won't believe it: one recognized me and turned out to be a fan. His name is Nikolai, he's also in the Russian team. We talked for a few minutes, exchanged pins, and took photos." she listed on her fingers. "It turned out he was in the audience at nationals!"

Max raised an eyebrow slightly when she was telling a story. Was that the same player she once almost bumped into? Or maybe that wasn’t accidental at all?

"Sounds nice." he answered eventually, turning to the other side.

"Oh, and I've got a pin for you." she shared with happiness, ignoring the tone of his comment regarding the hockey player incident. Or maybe just thought it's grumpiness because he had just woken up. "Well, kind of. It's a sled, team USA, but for me it looks a little bit like an F1 car from above. No wheels, but let's say it's a similar shape. Anyway, reminded me of you." she finished with a shrug.

His expression softened after that, hearing she thought about him. Even in such a minor moment, with such a small thing like a pin. Now he was curious how it looks and does it really resemble a car even a little, or it's just her imagination. The second option would be even cuter honestly.

"Send me a photo."

"No! It's a surprise. Don't google it!" she raised a finger on him, suddenly having a very serious expression, until it broke into laughter at her own behaviour and she turned her face away for a moment. "I also have an eye on the Great Britain team pin, because they have a lion. But the girl wanted my olympic mascot pin for that, no way. Maybe I'll just steal it, we will see."

Max turned his head into the pillow for a moment, holding back a yawn. It wasn't something he had ever thought he would experience. Not even the fact of what he was listening to, but that he picked up a call in the middle of the night while not staying up late playing games or on a simulator. And while he was doing it he didn't even realise it was a video call, he just saw her name and accepted without a second thought.

Barely awake he also forgot about the time difference and assumed it might be something important if she's calling at this hour. Only when he saw her fully awakened, in the light of the rink, a little red on the cheeks from exertion, did he realise it's a casual call. That immediately calmed him and kept him in that state at the edge of sleep instead of waking him up.

"The one time when I didn't stay up late... I picked up at 2 a.m. to listen about hockey players and some pins I hear about for the first time in my life." he muttered, moving a little, adjusting to Sassy, who just moved over his waist to rest against his belly.

"Sorry?" Ama pouted.

"No need, it just sounds like a hallucination, I had to say it out loud." he explained. "Nervous? For tomorrow?"

Oh, he remembers I compete tomorrow...Laying on her belly she started to swing her legs behind her, that made them visible from time to time in the camera. Especially blades catching light.

"Nah, it's just a team event."

"And for individuals?"

She paused for a moment, considering this question.

On the one hand, it's just a competition, like every other in her life. She has to walk out on the ice, skate her program, nothing new. On the other hand, it's the Olympics. One chance in a lifetime. She could be easier on herself on every other competition, she already had a gold medal from them. But here? She either ends up as a star or a total loser. How would she survive that? How to move on from this, look at herself in the mirror?

"A little bit..." she admitted, propping her head on the elbow.

"You'll do great, you're not here without a reason." he assured. Even with that voice, a little hoarse from sleep, it warmed her heart.

He's right, not just everyone goes to the Olympics, especially in Russia, where there are hundreds of girls with the same dream and just three spots. And she got rather back in shape after the inconvenience that was her illness. Almost all jumps are okay, choreography etched into her brain, spins centered... Ankle and knee hurting just a little, nothing a physio and tape can't repair. And it's just a few minutes. She's been through worse.

"Everything okay?" he asked. Not about the pressure anymore, if she's scared or stressed, just... her. Personally. Whatever she thinks about when hearing such a question.

"Yeah. Except..." she trailed off, wondering if she should continue. "I argued with my dad. I asked him to not bring mother here, but he didn't listen... So I got a bit angry, shouted a few things and now I'm kind of ignoring him, hoping he'll understand and apologize."

Max propped himself a little up, forcing focus as he listened to that. He couldn't know what was between Ama and her mother, what made her resent her so much, but assumed her dad would know. Only made him wonder why he was able to forgive and she was not. No matter how it was, she had to have her reasons to hold the grudge so much.

"He can't force anything on you. Though I understand it's hard to be mad at your parent." he said simply.

Especially on the only one I love.

Amaliya sighed, looking at him and debating whether to open up or not. Right now, with him barely awake and her around people, it didn't sound like the best idea.

"You should go back to sleep." she finally said, taking into his disheveled by sleep appearance.

"Probably." he admitted, yet didn't move to do anything with it.

"Then go."

"You first." he countered, winking at her.

"Why not you?"

"Because I'm too tired to click." to demonstrate his tiredness he let his head fall back into the pillow.

"Okay okay, sweet dreams. And sorry once again."

Max wanted to remind that he's not angry at her for that call, but she already hung up. He blocked his phone and put it back on the nightstand, hesitating just for a moment, before grabbing from it a lion plushie. He held it under his chin with one hand and closed his tired eyes.

"I can feel you moving." he murmured to Sassy, who moved from her spot, to lay next to his head. Her tail landed on his forehead, but he didn't protest.

Meanwhile Amaliya got off the boards, as the session for women was ending anyway and guys would have a turn after the ice gets resurfaced. She grabbed all of her things and walked over to the locker room, on the way bumping into someone that brought a smile to her face.

"Hi, how are you?" Yuzuru spoke up first, coming over to her.

Yuzuru Hanyu was always her idol, someone she looked up to when it came to skating. He was everything a skater could want to be. Had jumps, flow, skill, flexibility... A truly complete skater. The level she aspired to be on. And an Olympic gold medalist from Sochi, he was attempting to defend his title here. It had her more than excited to watch it live. Especially that she also was at Sochi, as it was in Russia and could come to watch.

They started talking a little when she entered seniors, when they happened to be at the same competition. A few sentences at the gala practices or gala itself. Or somewhere backstage. She once got him to jump the triple axel with her side by side and a video of it was still somewhere on her Instagram (and phone memory). She treated him like an older brother, and he seemed to act towards her like a little sis as well.

"Hi! I'm good. A bit stressed and excited at the same time." she admitted, hugging him briefly.

"You're gonna do great, I'm sure." he assured her, patting her on the shoulder.

"I keep my fingers crossed for you." she raised up both of her hands, showing crossed fingers.

"I for you too, all of you. Pass good luck from me to Zhenya and Alina."

"Sure I will. And I'll be watching from the boards."

That was a thing she appreciated very much and it came from participating in those competitions: she always had a great spot to come and watch other categories. Reserved section where her and other athletes could be. That's also when they most often spoke, except practises, galas and backstage.

And sometimes running behind each other's backs during the media, to not interrupt interviews.

"I'll come to watch you too." he said, smiling warmly at her.

They said their goodbyes, as he was heading to the practise and she to the locker room. She's gonna have some media duties after that and then physio. One of the favourite parts of the day for her. Besides sleeping of course.

Going on about her day, she didn't realise the few volunteers that were present during the time of her practise, weren't only sometimes recording skaters on the ice, but also recorder her on the boards. As usual, when video had a place for theories, it went viral. Over the skating Twitter.

@ username*Slightly blurry video of Amaliya on the boards, speaking with someone over her phone*

Who got her so excited? Can someone lip read from a not–the–best–quality video? 😭

– Omg, she couldn't sit still 😭💕 WHO WAS THAT? ⤷ A boy? 👀 ⤷ why everything has to be about guys? 🙄 you all don't move around while talking?

– queen laying on the boards like she own this place (she does) 💅

– I can lip read, but not with that quality 😭 ⤷ PLEASE, TRY, BE OUR SAVIOUR

– to whoever she was talking with: CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS. ⤷ Literally, it should be me 😔 ⤷ imagine picking up THE Amaliya Svetlanova. I need to know the guy ⤷ plot twist: it's a random guy from Moscow ⤷ even bigger plot twist: Max Verstappen 👀 ⤷ Would be a true power couple 🙏 ⤷ Nah, they don't match ⤷ you know both of them personally to say that?

– Hot take: don't record people having private conversations ⤷ it's a public place and she doesn't have to talk there ⤷ Doesn't mean it's okay to film everything she does and publish it. How would you feel in her place? ⤷ blah blah, my point still stands ⤷ 💀

– Happy for her, but can you all give those athletes a bit privacy? There are already cameras, and if you're voluntaries just to record them it's NOT okay.

– oh my, she's so pretty here 😍 ⤷ It's still funny to me how there is not a single trace of Italian genes in her appearance 😂 But her brother is walking Italian perfection... ⤷ don't even mention Leonardo... Can't wait for the cameras to show him at the stands 🫦 ⤷ and don't forget Matteo, Leo had to get that look after someone... 👀 ⤷ I'm at the wrong side of twitter...

* * *

Walking out on the Olympic ice felt different, despite what she was telling herself. She skated around, as usual giving a few hits to her thighs and calves. 'Just team event' she told herself, but pressure was still there, it was still fighting for a medal. She flicked her right and the left leg, more in a mental than physical preparation. The tapes on her knee and ankle were luckily not visible, due to the thick leggings. But she was aware of them.

"Our final skater, Olympic Athlete from Russia. Amaliya Svetlanova." she heard the annunciation and there was no more time for wondering.

She sped up, smiled and moved hand over her head, presenting to the crowd in the arena. Somewhere on the stands she spotted her dad and mother, earlier, when she was still sitting in the team box and a short program of ice dance was going on. She then smiled and waved briefly to them, but nothing more. She was still angry to have her here.

While getting to the middle of the rink, to get into the starting position, she touched her neck and necklace with the moon and the one with cross that was always there, and put it under the neckline of the dress. She was never a believer, but since she could remember she was wearing that to every competition, so it became something like a lucky charm. And now the one with the moon was alongside it.

Max watching it – before 6 a.m. for him – was feeling the pressure as if he was to skate there. Mainly because the memories of how he saw her at Europeans were fresh and had him stressed it may be the same here.

Luckily, it wasn't. Or maybe he just wasn't conscious enough to notice.

From the first note, her moves were again smooth, one turned into the other effortlessly. He already more or less learned how this routine looks and knew when the jump was coming. Those were the moments that had him stressed, he didn't want to watch her fall. Well, it hasn't happened in a competition yet, but it could.

Fortunately, all went well. Jumps, spins (in positions he would probably kill himself before achieving them), whole choreography without a mistake. Good start of the day for him.

After like always bowing to the crowd after a performance, she skated over to the boards, but as it was a team event, behind the boards was not just a coach, but a row of all teams' boxes. Sitting there were members of the national team who take part in this event and coaches. Amaliya sat there after putting on guards and talked a bit with them, while waiting for the score. At that time on the screen were slow motions of highlights of the program. And of course commentators saying something about the elements and the skater.

Then the screen cut back to the team, Amaliya currently in the middle, holding that cactus plushie on her lap, waving with its 'hands' to the camera.

"The score please." the announcing voice cut through the air, attracting Ama's attention. "Amaliya Svetlanova has earned in the short program 87.45 points. She is currently in first place."

Everyone started clapping and she just smiled, sent a kiss to the camera. Then hugged briefly with her coach, quite happy with herself, but not fully satisfied.

"Magic of a triple axel." one of the commentators over the transmission, a man, said.

"And other jumping passes, you can't get harder elements in the short program than that. But it's not a season's best." a woman's voice followed.

"Nor a record. What was that? 93.26?" the man asked.

"Yes, but that was an almost perfect performance from the beginning to the very end. I could risk saying: the best short program I have ever seen. Here the technical panel could have some issues, but it’s still a massive score. I think she needed that after Europeans, to show herself and everyone she's still among the favourites for the gold here, at the individual event." the woman explained, but Max wasn't really listening anymore.

Amaliya skated clean, didn't fall, and was happy. It meant it was worth getting up early.

For her it meant much, because yes, it showed she's still capable of much. She can still skate clean and get high scores. But it also made her stressed about the famous triple axel. Even now, in the whole program, at competition, she felt it was a little off. Her confidence didn't like that feeling. When she gets into a jump with a thought whether she'll land it or not, instead of thinking about the next element already.

The next day brought a big wave of good emotions. Russia ended up second in the team event. Not her dream spot, but it was a team work, not just herself, so she accepted it with a smile. Especially, that it was already putting her in a spot of being an Olympic medalist. Her ambitions towards the individual event remained the same, but it was nice to already be able to put an Olympic medal next to your name, even if it was silver.

Yet it felt a little... Hollow. Even when she received that silver medal, heard the anthem, and now was sitting with it in her hand on the bed. It was earned, years and years of hard work and commitment, everything for that one big event, the Olympics. But... It didn't bring satisfaction. Feeling that all that work was worth it.

Maybe it's just because it's a team medal. Or that it's silver. When she holds an individual gold, the medal she'll earn completely on her own, it will surely feel different. Bigger. Like a culmination of a career. The biggest diamond in a crown. Pride for the rest of her life. Something she wanted since she was old enough to want anything. Something her dad never got.

Or at least she hopes it will be like that.

~

It stressed her a bit that they will be there to watch her live, but at the same time it was a heartwarming thought. She hadn't seen them for some time, especially Leo. She hoped for some holidays together when the season is over. Somewhere warm, with ocean or sea. And maybe also take Zhenya with her, she always liked to join family vacations, and Amaliya didn't feel dominated by two way–too–tall men.

"Your mom will come too."

Those words almost made her stop in the middle of the street. That's not something she'd like to hear in the morning, before training. Though, some annoyance may give her more strength.

"I don't want her there." she snapped back without a second thought.

"You don't have to see her if you don't want to." Matteo tried to negotiate, to avoid another argument, as he was aware Anna was a touchy subject. Even more for Ama than for Leo. Yet it didn't stop him from trying to reconcile them.

But it seemed things were either the same or even worse.

"That's not the point." she said with the same snap in her voice.

"Then what is?"

For that she didn't have a quick answer. What was she supposed to say? Tell about all the fucked up things her mother did? He knows what mother was spending money on instead of her training and it seems after years he forgave or forgot about that.

To open herself up, to tell everything... She couldn't do that, especially not in the middle of a pavement. She'd rather forget about all that. But if it could help her dad finally move on from her... Maybe she should start preparing herself and after the season tell everything?

"She really wants to watch you, it means a lot to her." he added after a long silence from her side.

"Then she can watch from home." she murmured, much quieter but with no less venom – even though her eyes started to feel a bit wet.

"Ama-"

"No, papa." she interrupted him. "Who is more important? Me, who'll actually compete there, or her lazy, bitchy ass?" she finished and hung up.

He was naturally trying to call her again, but Amaliya dismissed every call. Nothing he can say may change her opinion. Additionally, she could burst into tears if she was to continue talking. She lowered her head for a few seconds, letting a few tears fall and straightened up, wiping her eyes.

She can't cry, no one likes crying. If you want to cry then go home, people who actually care can suck it up and get their job done.

On the rest of the way, she was scrolling through Instagram, trying to distance herself from both the upcoming training session and her argument with dad. For a short time it helped, but then the algorithm started showing her things she didn't want to see. Clips from the documentary.

She hasn't watched it. Decided it's a waste of time, and – after all – she's a part of it, she knows what's going on, when cameras were around, what was filmed, what she said.

But when she was shown clips from it while scrolling Instagram? She wanted to ignore it, but stayed for the whole things. And then went to comments, which was her biggest mistake. And then another video, more comments. And most made her heart clench.

– I'm afraid what If she doesn't get the gold. She was basically groomed into thinking that nothing except olympic gold matters. All of them were ⤷ Someone will definitely cry at the ladies' event and I'm not ready for that...

– did I understand that well... she was burned–out at SIXTEEN?! IN HER SECOND SEASON IN SENIORS?!⤷ I understood it like that as well, poor girl 😭 ⤷ Let's remember it's not that Ama we see now, it was that little girl we were watching two seasons ago ⤷ but it's not teenagers that were wronged but literal little kids 💔

– I can't even win any domestic competition and she talks about bronze and silver at the olympics being a lose 😑 ⤷ well, technically she's right – there is only one winner at the competition 🤷‍♀️ Doesn't change the fact that any olympic medal is a huge achievement and should be appreciated by an athlete ⤷ bullshit, that's champions mentality. Stop before nothing to win, I respect that ⤷ that's obsession. 💀 ⤷ You all just never were in a gold–winning position. It hurts as HELL to lose it. No bronze or silver will make up for it. ⤷ She literally said she'd be disappointed because she knows she can do better 🙄 ⤷ I'm no psychologist, but I bet it can't be healthy

– 'caught a cold'? Who do you all try to deceive? ⤷ Yeah, and she said it was after russian nationals, if it was just cold she'd be good by the europeans ⤷ You all know cold isn't the same for everyone, right? right??? ⤷ are we ignoring her ankle hurting again? was it even healed in the first place?

– 'People will think I'm a monster' – maybe because you are??? ⤷ If you never trained professionaly you won't understand 🙄 ⤷ her student literally fell and wasn't getting up and her whole reaction was 'continue'. It's objectively horrible. Especially with how often Amaliya falls on her hip, I'm always terrified she'll break it ⤷ But she didn't. She's clearly okay, just tired ⤷ idk, she's barely eighteen and already speaking like she's about to retire. Same with Zhenya... Back in my days it was just the beginning of the career 😔 ⤷ Times change and it's known that for girls in skating puberty is worse than for boys. Obviously they don't know how much more they'll skate ⤷ Ladies skating becomes kids skating, 15 year olds beating 20 and older, more experienced. And then retire before hitting 20, with destroyed bodies. It's sick, not 'a prodigy'. They should be in juniors. And are we ignoring how Eteri admitted her students skate on injuries? ⤷ On their own wish, she said she adjust to them. And many skaters do that and those you applaud. And it's not their fault you can enter seniors at 15, come on 😂 ⤷ i applaud no one, coach should stop athlete for injuring themselves more.

– 'get her weight down'??? are we seeing a different Ama or what? ⤷ Literally, she's so skinny already... ⤷ what do you all mean, she looks like an athlete? Of course she's skinny ⤷ But it was said weight is one of the reason for her ankle pains. Wtf? She needs some muscles around those joints, not lose even more! ⤷ tbh every day I pray Ama and Zhenya change coaches, but I know it won't happen, they're winning... we can only watch.

The last one got to her the most. She could take everything else, explain to herself that she knows better, they are only seeing a part of it, it's not like that, it's not as horrible as they claim it to be.

She had some issues at sixteen, but come on, it couldn't be burn–out or losing passion. Either way, it passed, so where's the problem? Her ambitions for gold? It's normal she wants to win, doesn't everyone want that? Why even go compete if you don't want to win? A cold was a lie, yes, but if they told the truth people would criticise her. And she knows her body and its possibility better than they ever will. She made her choice and doesn't regret it. View on Eteri as a coach? She's a coach of champions, you can't deny that, no matter what accusations you'll throw.

They have disagreements sometimes, she may be cold, but it's out of care. She wants them to win, to be happy – and if they're to do that, they have to train hard. Sometimes be a little pushed, when they have a moment of breakdown. But there are also good moments. Goofy moments. There is happiness and pride after winning. Like when after winning her world champion title at fifteen, after she got off the ice with a medal she ran to her and put it on her, hugging tightly to her.

And injuries are completely different things. It's easy to get injured. Many athletes from other teams experience careers–ending injuries, meanwhile them? They're still here and dominating. It's just bad luck when it happens. And her career? It's her own choice, she'll end it whenever she wants. She just said that the next generation may be better than them, isn't it the sense of the sport? And they add their own theories to that, as if they were going to retire soon because their bodies are falling apart.

But the comments about her weight... They had her stand in front of a mirror in the locker room. She turned sideways and lifted her skating jacket and shirt she had under it, and looked judgementally at her belly. Flat. But there were muscles, she wasn't 'too skinny'. There were muscles, somehow her core had to survive all she was doing, especially cantilever.

Then she probably made a mistake, because stepped on the scales that were always present in the locker room. And grimaced when she saw the number. She gained a little. But maybe it just shows it because she's fully clothed? Without the jacket her weight will be normal. They know nothing, for her as an athlete weight is different than for people not training.

Though she remembered how she almost cried the first time she heard from one of the coaches to pad herself up, before the competition. Because her chest was flat, and 'how else does she plan to get points for presentation'? But she was still in juniors back then. Now it's different. No one asks 'are you a boy or a girl'? Doesn't mean she's not adding herself some size there after getting the costume on.

In an impulse she reached for the bag for her phone and opened contacts.

Ama: Am I too skinny?

She wrote it to Max before she actually thought how it may sound. With him she also had that fear he might have seen something from the documentary, and that it's gonna change something between them. That one day she'll look at the notifications and see questions about it instead of comfort. And what if he wouldn't tell her if he saw it? Nah... It's Max. He didn't let her live normally when she fell asleep on the phone. It's a guy who picked up from her while leaving the shower. Why wouldn't he say anything? He always says everything.

Quickly after she sent it she wanted to delete it, but it was too late. He already read it. He read quicker than usual. Of course, bad luck just now.

Max: I saw you live once Max: Why do you ask?

Yeah, how does she explain that?

Ama: Well... You're a guy?

She's making it worse than if she just threw her phone away and stopped answering. What kind of answer even is that? Who is he to her, for her to ask that? You'd think it's more of a girls’ thing, to ask each other about this kind of thing. Why did I write this stupid message? I wanna hear from a guy I'm ugly or what?

Max: And?

Ama: Can't you just answer? I was standing in front of a mirror and wondering

Max: You're absolutely alright, don't get any stupid ideas Max: Actually, we could go on a dinner or two

She stopped, actually stopped, seeing that answer and squinted. After the first message she was ready to put her phone away and forget about it, but the second one came and... She didn't know what to do with it.

Was it flirting? Was he casually asking her out? Or was it a suggestion she should eat more? After that thought, the blush on her cheeks faded a bit. So she is too skinny? That's what he was saying, in a delicate way? Ama: So I am too skinny?

Max: Did you completely ignore my first message? Ama: But the second suggests something else

Max: Are you healthy?

Ama: Yeah

She wrote it way too quickly, for how heavy it felt in her chest. Lying like that, knowing perfectly well her weight is not within the healthy range everyone means. But would he understand? That it's... normal here, because it's easier to skate, to jump, to be consistent? She didn't want to check.

And Max? Didn't believe her.

If everything was alright, why would they hide the weight in the documentary? But just looking at her, with his only occasions for that being photos, he couldn't say for sure if she's okay or not. Yet didn't believe her. All he saw made him question her answer. Okay, that text about dinner might have been a little suggestion, concern, put in a light way with hope she maybe won't go all defensive. But it was also a proposition. If she wanted it to be it.

Max: So no worries 😉

Yet he didn't push, just as he told himself he wouldn't. Maybe she'll finally feel comfortable enough with him to open up.

He looked towards the little lion plushie, standing on the bedside table and sighed.

"You better keep your fingers crossed." he said to it.

Meanwhile Amaliya pressed her lips together in a line, thinking whether she should add something or not. About the dinner he mentioned, hopefully not just jokingly.

Ama: So the offer is off the table...?

His gaze went back to the phone, as it vibrated in his hand. He smiled to himself, happy that she reverted to that.

"I know you're staring at me, Sass." he muttered, not looking up from his phone at the cat in the doorway, as he was typing an answer.

Max: Let me know when you're off you athlete duties and we will figure something out

Ama: I will

She answered shortly and blocked her phone, bringing it to her chest as she struggled to form one thought in her mind. "Is it a date...?" she murmured to herself, scared and thrilled at the same time to say it out loud, as if it would make it less possible.

But it's still much time before she can even think of setting one, specific date and place. She can't deconcentrate right now.

"What date?"

Evgenia's voice made her almost throw up the piece of break with cheese she ate before leaving home. How did she appear behind her exactly now? In the worst possible moment? Or maybe she was peeking over her shoulder this whole time? No, please, God, no.

"My fist and your face if you are late again." she answered, trying to keep her tone casual, as she sat down on the bench and reached for her skates.

Evgenia raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. They know each other too long, she knows Ama is hiding something. But she'll push on the topic later, when she's not so tense, not expecting it.

"You speak as if I'm always late. Sorry I don't control the traffic."

"Yeah yeah, spare me." Amaliya murmured, pushing her foot into the skate, hoping not even the slightest shade of pink was on her cheeks.

During the training her cheeks for sure got pink, maybe even red. It was a tough session that left her still stressing about the triple axel. She was landing it, fully rotated, but... It felt strange. She didn't feel the same control as before, but couldn't put her finger on why. She wasn't rushing the enter, nor quickening the exit, yet the jump always felt tight. Like something was wrong, despite successful landings. It harmed her confidence.

After that she moved to something she was never confident about and it made her feel better. She hadn't given up on the quad toe loop and was pushing it today after a break. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. Yes, it wasn't consistent, but she had a few attempts when she landed it fully rotated, which made her bounce with happiness just after.

She put her phone on the boards and pressed the recording button, determined to have it on camera. Not to publish– at least not right now – but for herself. So she can look at it and be proud, to know she can do it.

Of course a few first tries while recording weren't successful, a fall or bad landing, but eventually also the good version, that would surely receive positive GOE in the competition. If it gets more consistent, she'll think about putting it in the program for worlds maybe, and surely for the next season. And maybe attempt other quadruple jumps? If this one worked out, why would the other be impossible?

For a short moment of excitement and pride she forgot she hadn't even survived the Olympics yet.

Speaking of the Olympics...

When the time came, when the Olympic Village was already in sight, for a moment it felt like a dream. Completely different from all the other competitions. The team came a few days before the team event was planned. To settle, to have time for a few short sessions on the rink here, so they can get used to it.

It was all logical, but felt irrational, even when she was leaving the bus. People everywhere, luggage everywhere, a little, controlled chaos. She had to go through multiple checkpoints and eventually got her accreditation badge, which she later posted on her story – as a selfie while wearing it.

With it around her neck, the idea of participating at the Olympics somehow settled into her mind finally, but it remained an overwhelming experience. On the way to the apartment building, which wasn't too far, she already heard many different languages and saw so many athletes. And on the way saw something she'll need to come back for later.

Only when she got into the room she shared with Evgenia, she let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding.

"Don't say anything." Zhenya raised a finger, as they put down their luggages. "Bed test first."

Ama chuckled at that, but nodded.

"Three, two, one!" they both counted down and dropped on the beds, laughing as if someone just told a great joke.

"Not bad, not bad." Evgenia moved over the bed, turning on her belly.

"Better than falling asleep on the floor on that one camp back in–"

"Don't! Don't even remind me. My back was never the same." she interrupted Ama and buried her face in the pillow. "This is great. And the gifts are so sweet."

Amaliya sat up and looked at the bed once again, more precisely at the souvenirs arranged on it. Plushies of this Olympic's mascot, jersey and backpack with more gifts inside, just waiting to get unpacked.

Then her gaze turned to Zhenya, with a mischievous look in her eyes.

"I know you're the most happy about the sheets, you finally won't sleep under that barbie one." she teased, looking with big satisfaction at her friend getting riled up.

She burst out laughing, dodging the pillow that suddenly flew towards her.

"Shut up, you're no better with your sheets!" Evgenia answered defensively, but blushed a little.

"I saw a better souvenir on the way." Ama got off the bed – on the way picking the pillow – and walked over to her friend. She crouched just before the bed, holding a pillow against her chest. "You did too?" she moved her eyebrows in a suggestive way.

"No...?"

"Then come on, and grab Alina on the way. I have to take it for my brother and see his face become red like a tomato." without another word she stood up and didn't look back.

The thing all three of them went for were... Condoms. Because what else can you bring from the Olympic Games other than a handful of condoms with Olympic logo? Actually, Amaliya was eyeing it since she heard how much was distributed at the Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro. She had already imagined trifling with her brother, telling him what a great gift she has for him and then showing one condom. It wouldn't be a hilarious idea, if he didn't still see her as his baby sis, who was struggling with math at school. By the way, he never let her forget about him, how she sent him pictures of homework to do for her. Even when she learned and didn't need his help anymore.

He deserves this shock.

After they grabbed a handful of those and put them in their bags, they got back to the rooms to finally unpack. Of course there had to be a few surprises, like Evgenia realising she only packed one sock from her lucky pair or Ama almost having a heart attack that she forgot a charger. Luckily it just got lost in her training clothes.

She also took that cactus plushie she got from Max and was still calling it Junior. She put it on the bed, against the pillow.

"It was so sweet of him. But Johnny isn't jealous?" Evgenia commented, while putting her clothes into the wardrobe.

"They're siblings, I love them both just the same." Ama answered and patted the 'head' of a cactus. "I wonder how my lion is with him."

"He better treat it right, it was one of your favourites."

"Because it's so small. I thought it's perfect in case he wants to take it with him when he travels around the world." she shrugged.

"So... What was that date?"

"Oh, leave it finally, I told you you imagined it! I don't talk to myself!" she got defensive. Of course she had to bring it back again. She asked it after training, the next day, another day, on the call while packing, over texting, on the plane, in the bus... and now.

"Okay, so... Would you like to have a date?"

"I'd like to have dinner. And maybe trade some pins." she stood up from the bed, grabbing her phone. "You coming?"

"Nah, I'm not hungry yet. I'll use the free time to finally watch a new episode of my series in peace."

Amaliya didn't comment on that, even if: 'you're the reason there rarely was a moment of peace' was at the tip of her tongue. She was glad for a bit of peace herself, even if she wasn't really hungry as well.

She walked out of the apartment with their rooms and immediately unlocked her phone, opening that one chat.

Ama: *a photo of Amaliya holding condoms spread like cards* Ama: Olympic souvenirs, want one?

She didn't put her phone away, waiting if he's going to answer soon, as he typically did lately. Strange, it's like he had a different notification sound set for her messages. She giggled at herself at that though. So stupid Ama, so stupid.

By the time she got to the dining hall (almost taking the wrong way once), her phone vibrated.

Max: That's the weirdest souvenir offer I've ever received

At first Max was totally surprised seeing that photo from her, with Olympic branded condoms, but then remembered he actually heard about it, somewhere or rather from someone. And then only amusement was left.

Ama: Wow, zero appreciation

Max: I didn't say no Max: I will frame it

She held back a laugh when she read that. For a moment she looked away – and good for her, because she almost walked into some guy almost twice her size. She quickly changed direction and looked over all the food that was at the multiple food stations. Even her stomach spinned at that.

Eventually, she grabbed just a toast and tea, put it on the tray and walked over to the table with more free space, to continue her conversation.

Max: How is it there by the way?

Ama: As loud as at the paddock. And I almost bumped into a terrifyingly big hockey player I think

Max: Good you're used to being small then

Amaliya raised her eyebrow while taking a sip of tea. Yeah, because her dad and brother are over two meters tall... She rolled her eyes and put the cup away, to quickly type back.

Ama: Haha, very funny, I'm not thatsmall. Ama: I'm just... ✨petite✨

Max: Sorry, I just imagined you surrounded by hockey players and burst out laughing

After reading this she imagined the same and couldn't help but smile. Actually, she had a photo that was representing a pretty similar situation. Looking for it she opened the gallery and scrolled down.

Ama: *a photo of her brother's volleyball team and her standing next to him* Ama: I'm a survivor Ama: But don't be deceived, I have a strong serve. And legs. And core. And everything.

Max: Yeah yeah, 1.50m of pure power

Oh no, that insult demands blood.

Ama: I'M OVER 1.60M, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Max: 😂😂😂 Max: What did you say? I don't hear you up here

How dare he act like this?! Like he himself isn't shorter than her dad and brother?! Actually, if she remembers correctly – and she may not, because it was months ago – the difference between her and Max is almost the same as between him and her dad.

Ugh, why didn't she get just a bit more good height genes? It would be harder to do jumps on ice, but she wouldn't be 'bullied' so much.

Ama: I'm over 1.60m.

Max: Yeah, sure. 1cm over?

Ama: ...

Max: Really? I guessed?

I wish I was next to him, to smack him in the back of his head.

Ama: What did I do wrong to end up with you? Ama: Next time I see you I bring my brother and tell him you bully me

Max: Great, we will bully you together

Amaliya shook her head and picked up the toast, taking a bite and thinking of an answer. Then bit again, holding the toast in her mouth while typing.

Ama: You're not getting that condom, you don't deserve this Ama: Or no, take all of them, just don't spread those genes, please

Max: Wow, that was brutal Max: *a picture of Max laying on the couch and both cats on him* Max: Then you're not meeting them

The toast fell from her mouth to the plate perfectly at the moment that message from him came. That's a low blow, using cats she already loves, despite that she didn't get to pet them yet.

Ama: Okay, I can't argue with that

She picked up her food again, this time keeping it in one hand, while writing with the other, as the playful conversation went on, later switching to her talking more about the village and sending photos she did on the way.

~

She spent more time on the rink and off–ice each day, leaving home early in the morning and coming back late in the evening. It worked to some extent, her jumps got more consistent, she got back the triple axel – though it felt tighter than before the illness, she wasn't so confident coming into it.

On the other hand, she started to tape her ankle again, as the pain started creeping in. And also her knee, as it felt... strange sometimes.

Those were intensive weeks, but as the European Championships came, she looked fine. She was tired, slower, but overall looked okay. And locked in. The last competition before the Olympic Games. And then it's over.

The short program went really well. She didn't even look that much slower, neither her movements were influenced. After she finished she might have breathed heavier, but nothing that could be easily noticed.

The free skate was the true challenge. She stood by the boards, one hand resting on it, looking at ice as if calculating if she has enough strength for that. She hadn't even realised Eteri standing behind her, until she felt her hands on her tense shoulders, massaging them. When they moved up to her nape, she closed her eyes for a moment, breathing heavily.

"Better?"

"Yeah, thanks." she answered shortly.

Just four minutes. No coughing, no mistakes, she can do it. She can keep the first position she got after a short program, she can finally have another perfect season. She can finally beat Evgenia, it can be her time.

When Alina got off the ice after her great performance, she got on it, for her last moments of preparation, as Alina was waiting for scores in Kiss & Cry. She skated over to the boards, where one of her coaches was, the one she worked with on the choreography. He held a small, crushable ampule of smelling salts. He crushed it and she leaned in, taking a deep inhale of it.

"You okay?" he asked. She just nodded, resting her hands against her hips. "Then go on, go and do your best." he reached over the boards and grabbed her wrist, squeezing it shortly, reassuringly.

Amaliya turned and skated over the ice to her starting position, on the way giving soft hits to her thighs and calves, as always. As soon as the music started, her heart started beating faster. That's it, no turning back.

The first half was easy, especially with a boost she felt after smelling salts. Well... Except for two little mistakes. The first jump, which was supposed to be a combo with a triple axel, ended up as a solo jump, as at the landing she had too deep and had to hold onto that to not step–out or fall. When the second occasion for that combo was coming, her mind was stressing out, should she just do triple toe or attempt a loop?

She wouldn't be herself if she hadn't risked it. Though this time it didn't really pay off, as she underrotated and had to step–out of the combo. That had her irritated and tense for the rest of the skate. Especially with the thought of a gold medal slipping away.

The closer she was to the end, the more her lungs burned with each breath. The final spin felt as if she was doing it with no air at all, holding it on with pure determination.

After she struck the final pose, she didn't hold it for long, instead dropping hands to her thighs and leaning, trying to catch a breath. It took her a few seconds to straighten up and bow to the crowd on the stands. She did so a little quicker than usual and skated to the boards.

Stepping off the ice felt like heaven, though her lungs were like hell. Eteri embraced her, keeping her close to her chest, as Amaliya basically fell into the hug. She closed her hands on the back of her coach's coat, barely keeping herself up on her feet.

"You did so well. Little mistakes, but well overall." Eteri patted her back and raised one hand to put it on her head, bringing it closer to her shoulder. "Come on." she stepped away, with one hand still on her shoulder, as they both went to the Kiss & Cry area, where after Amaliya sat, she finally put on the blade guards.

"I can't breathe..." she murmured, leaning, basically putting her forehead against her knees. Her breath was still irregular, as every time she breathed in the air, it felt like starting a fire in her lungs and she wished she never had to take a breath again.

"Slowly. In and out."

She felt a hand on her back, moving over it gently, what was supposed to be reassuring, but only reminded her of a real world around her. That's it's all streamed, that people are all around her, that she will have to get up from this couch.

Maybe she'd feel better, if the scores were different. Second. Behind Alina Zagitova. She didn't manage to defend her European Champion title.

Overall, the whole competition was great for the Russian team. All three ladies on the podium, one country podium sweep, even one coach podium sweep, which was even more incredible. Made everyone think that they will see the same history on the Olympics.

@ amaliya.svetlanova *a carousel of 3 photos: – from the podium, holding silver medal in one hand and bouquet in the other – of all three of them, her, Zhenya and Alina, skating around holding the Russian flag over them – again all three of them, this time with coaches behind them*

Last competition before the Olympics 🥈 See you in PyeongChang! 🔥

Amaliya told herself to not check the comments after she posted that, as she expected what she's gonna find there. But she couldn't stop herself. She lasted around three hours, which was still much for how itched she felt to check.

– you're so great, can't wait for the olympics!!! 🥰

– first time I agree with the component score you got... what happened? ⤷ yeah, she felt so slow, I thought I confused the performers 😭

– Are you okay??? You looked exhausted ⤷ @ amaliya.svetlanova: yeah, I caught a cold, but everything's gonna be okay for the Olympics 💕 ⤷ GIRL A COLD DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THAT??? ⤷ You should have withdrew then, health is more important ⤷ Guys, she's an adult, if she and her coaching team decided she can skate, she did. You're not professional athletes, you don't understand ⤷ i'm training, maybe not figure skating, but my coach would NEVER let me perform in such a state. ⤷ and what were you smelling before the fs @ amaliya.svetlanova ???

– What were you smelling before the skate?

– What was the thing he gave you to smell? ⤷ smelling salts probably. Surely nothing illegal in public, on live tv 😂 No worries, sometimes athletes use that ⤷ hot take: if you need smelling salts to perform, you shouldn't be performing.

– PLEASE, take care of your health 🙏 It was painful to watch

– where is the quad toe??? ⤷ bro, currently she can't even do a good 3A lolz

– i thought this competition would help me relax before the olympics, but no... Your visible health issues, Evgenia's mistakes... I'm so scared for pyeongchang 😭 ⤷ ME TOO 😭 ⤷ Yeah, because what does she mean by 'a cold'? From what I understood, what she murmured in kiss&cry sounded like 'I can't breathe'? That's soooo concerning

– triple axel looked tight in both programs, i'm starting to get nervous⤷ but it's Ama, she'll get it nice & clean at the olympics, trust 😌

– i LOVE the new dresses 😍

– Tutberidze camp strikes again, someone please take those girls away before they experience a career ending injury 😭🙏 ⤷ I'm so stressed for olympics, imagine one of them breaks there...

She couldn't read it any longer. People were much more concerned for her than she was. Talking about a possibility of her or one of her teammates facing a career ending injury at the Olympics... It sounded like the worst nightmare she refused to let into her mind.

There were probably already many posts on the fan accounts and not only on Instagram, and it only made her feel even worse. There was no good outcome of that competition for how, whether she withdrew or not. Either way, she'd have to bear the consequences.

And she'd rather not think about those right now.

Max didn't have to see that post and read comments to have the same concerns that those people. Amaliya didn't look well at the first performance, but the free was horrible to watch. Because she looked tired, done, waiting for it to end.

It was the same program, the same movements, same face expressions, but somehow completely different. It lacked energy, softness of movements, emotions.

And how she looked at the end as just... heartbreaking. So tired, so done with everything, as if she was barely standing on her legs – it was probably true. Not even mentioning that what most likely kept her up through the whole performance were smelling salts used just before.

That meant she was in a much worse condition than she claimed, not just 'tired' or 'busy', and absolutely not just a 'cold' she admitted to. And they let her out like that. No one stopped her. Despite that she was clearly struggling.

Max: You didn't look like yourself, you okay?

What else could he write? He doubted she'd even answer this one honestly, if he went for anything more, like: 'Why did you compete?' or 'You're sick, aren't you?' it was guaranteed she's gonna either brush it off or ignore it. Maybe this one will show should he push or back away?

He felt so annoyed because of that helplessness. He didn't feel like a hypocrite, no. That inconsistency, varying depending on whether it concerned him or her, was pushed somewhere to the background, not let into the consciousness, because it would be too hard to let on. To admit not everything he himself went through was alright.

Ama: I had a cold, it's just my stamina making jokes of me

Of course.

But could you blame her? Amaliya didn't blame herself. She just didn't want him to see her like that or – even worse – pity her. Maybe because he means something to her. He's supposed to be her safe space, where she doesn't think about figure skating and pressure on her shoulders. Where she has no worries. Not another person to tremble over her and constantly check on her.

Addictionally, telling the truth would make her feel weak. Everyone can push through but her? She would be the first one to disappoint everyone, it can't be. She's just as good as everyone else, and will do everything to be better than everyone. To prove they can always rely on her, that she can't be easily replaced.

She already ignored messages from her dad and brother, giving them the same excuse. Shoulnd't be hard to ignore Max as well?

Max: Didn't look like it

Ama: I know how I feel. And I think I know better what I can and can't do when it comes to the skating

Yeah, she got defensive, wanting to cut it off as soon as possible. To go back to joking, carefree atmosphere, her safe space.

The next moment of dread came much quicker than she'd like to. A few days after the Europeans, on the main Russian TV channel the documentary about the Olympic trio was transmitted. It might have been in Russian and officially only on TV, but she had no doubts people would record it, translate and spread it on the Internet. She already saw it, and wasn't happy about the thought of some people seeing it. Not about it happening, but just some certain people watching it, that they'll exaggerate, don't understand, try to play her saviours. That scared her to the core. There is always hope that the person she blurted it out had forgotten.

Max didn't forget. Especially while still worrying about her after Europeans.

When someone uploaded it on YouTube, it was without any subtitles, so he gave up on watching it, waiting for someone to add english subs. Actually, he was surprised how fast it happened. Took just one day for someone to add subs to the whole documentary, that's one hell of a dedication.

So he was totally locked in, on a big computer screen, to not miss anything.

It started with a video from some competition and then backstage of it, including all three girls' perspectives. It switched between them, competition part, trainings parts – also goffying around – some outside the rink parts, and a part with the interviewer, with them standing by the boards, rink in the background. He didn't skip any part, after all everything could give a glimpse of what's going on, even if it was surely filtered. Or at least he thought it was, because it was hard to believe someone watched it and thought it's a good idea to show it. Well, mentalities vary.

"What is your dream?" some lady, not visible in the camera asked.

"My dream... To become an Olympic Champion, obviously." Ama chuckled, a bit embarrassed, rubbing the back of her neck. "But what athlete doesn't dream of that?"

"And outside of skating? Like, some people for example want to climb a certain mountain, see some places, graduate, have a child-"

"Of course, but it's... you know, further away. Not a priority right now." she interrupted the lady. She gestured, waving to the side, showing that 'further away' part.

"So when not only the Olympics are over, but you're also a little older, where do you see yourself, let's say in a few years?"

Amaliya let a deep breath out, looking up, gathering her thoughts. It looked a bit as if she had a problem seeing herself anywhere outside the skating.

"Well... I'd like to still be skating up until I'm twenty–two – that's how old I'll be at the next Olympics, I hope to take part in them, no matter the results in this one." she made a break, again looking away, thinking what she wants from life beside success in her career. "After that I'd like to continue skating, but maybe not competitively, but still active in some way. Also maybe start my own thing, some brand... And of course find love and eventually have a family." she shrugged.

Then there were some clips from the training on ice – like warm–up, step sequences, jumps and working on choreography – and voice over.

"My mother and I moved to Moscow when I was three. Dad stayed with my brother in Milano, but took effort to have a good relationship with me. For us to be close, a family, despite the distance." the scene cut to her speaking. "So... I spent quite some time in these walls." she laughed, shaking her head and looking at the rink.

Then on the screen appeared some videos of a little Amaliya, both on training and competition. She was quite a sweet child, he thought. In a cute dress, skating around, not doing even half of the crazy things she does right now.

"My mother always wanted to be a figure skater but never had the occasion to start. It's quite expensive when you're not sponsored by any company or the federation. So she decided to give me the occasion to try and... as you see I stayed in it."

The film changed again, to a bit older Ama, maybe around ten years old.

"But it wasn't easy – at least not always – as some people may think only watching competitions. I had some injuries on the way, as most skaters do. Mostly it was minor things, like some pains or strains. Bigger ones were mostly about my ankle, but it's okay since I took time to heal it off–season. Once I broke my left arm, but I was younger, like... ten or something like that."

There were some photos shown from the times Amaliya spoke about, like her with a broken arm in a cast, her taping her ankle before putting on skates. The look of that child with a broken arm was a little heartbreaking, but obviously a risk that comes with the sport in which you often fall on ice. But thinking of all the injuries – smaller and bigger ones – she went through, sent a shiver through Max. Especially combining it with stories of two other girls.

"It was also a bit over the time when I started to treat it seriously. Before, I had to be pushed more, into doing things. I was a pretty opinionated child, I said I won't do something and I didn't, and that irritated my coaches. But even then, even when I threw my skates away and said I'll never come here again... The very next day I was back, I couldn't stay away." she laughed again and a film cut to her, to show that.

He could almost imagine that little her throwing those skates away, then hands crossed on her chest, proclaiming they'll never see her here again. And coming back the next day with a pout.

"When I started to take part in more prestigious competitions my attitude changed. That little girl's dream of going to the Olympics wasn't just a stupid thought anymore, that felt like a fantasy people around tried to talk me into being real. It became something I myself thought was possible to achieve. So... I started working harder."

They showed more training videos, this time also with falls, accompanied with the coach's reaction to them, like: 'Get up, hurry! Or you don't want the medals anymore?'.

"I had... A pretty hard time when I was sixteen, my second season in seniors, getting silvers while just a season ago I was a champion everywhere. With each I got less and less motivated. Thought, why should I even try if I'm going to lose anyway? What's the point of competing?" the camera cut to her again, to show her shrug. Then she raised a hand and with a little finger wiped the corner of her eye that started to tear up a little at the memory. "But I pushed through it, I have to thank my coaches for that, especially Eteri Georgievna. Off–season I took part in the Fantasy on Ice in Japan and... Wow." now were shown some shots from the said shows and interactions with fans, like taking photos, receiving gifts or giving autographs. "So many people loving me, inspired by me, especially younger girls... I realised I can't stop now. That I have to keep trying, next season, then Olympic season. I have to embrace it maybe a bit differently, that it's not just me and medals but also people waiting to see me perform."

The camera got back to her, but this time she wasn't looking into the lenses while speaking, but somewhere to the side. That was a bit scary, hearing that a sixteen year old girl faced... A burn out? Could he name it that after what she said? At sixteen, when she was barely starting her senior career? Already losing passion? Well, she nowhere used words like 'passion' or 'love' to the sport, but maybe thought it's obvious she has that?

"I thought I can't disappoint that little girl that dreamed of getting the Olympic gold, so I would do everything to get it. HEY! Medvedeva!" she jumped a little and turned around, as she felt a snowball hit her in the back. The camera caught a glimpse of her friend she was shouting at, laughing and already skating away. "I'll pay her back later."

"Wait, do I understand correctly: is an olympic medal – other than gold – a disappointment for you? Or did I exaggerate?" the lady from earlier asked.

"Well... If someone doesn't think himself good enough for a medal position then I guess getting one of any colour is nice." she grimaced a little and shrugged. "But I know I'm capable of better, so... Yeah. Anything below that is a disappointment." there was a moment of silence before she decided to explain it further. "Because... Ugh, you get it? There is always just one winner, that's how competitions work. And what those below first are to say? 'I won second place', 'I won bronze'? No, 'I got silver, I wasn't good enough to win'. I think it's simple, I don't why it's so confusing. I don't go out on the ice to have fun and maybe get something."

Then the scene changed. There were some parts from the everyday life of all the girls. Like them on the rink, or out of the building. Like how Alina, the youngest one manages with school while keeping up with an intense training. Like Evgenia walking out with her dog or her mom driving her home and talking how she also was once training, but at fourteen had a career ending injury.

Then all of them in the locker room, taking off their skates. Amaliya on the side, still unlacing the first skate, while two other girls already finished. As they did, they went to the scales, to check their weight after training. And even scolded the cameraman to not film that, blocking the view so he doesn't record the numbers – which was concerning on its own and started to raise many questions.

They later explained that in their sport keeping the weight on the same point is very important, as it changes the center of gravity, finding balance, spins, jumps, everything. That's why switching from juniors to seniors, puberty, is often a hard period.

Then, after some more scenes it got back to Amaliya. It was visible it's a more recent material, by the condition she was in and by the words that followed.

"The time after the Russian Nationals was hard for me. I caught a cold, was on forced time off, so no trainings. And I'm pretty used to those, so staying at home doing nothing with skating was hard. Not harder than coming back though, when I realised how trashy my stamina is, how everything felt off." while saying that she again looked to the side, as if she wasn't able to face the lenses. "The pressure of the upcoming Olympics started to get to me, so I worked harder to get back in shape. Then my ankle started to ache from time to time again, so I had to slow down a bit. And now... Well, we will see. But I'm positive about it, until the Olympics everything will be as before."

There was another scene from training. Her missing a jump and falling on the ice. Annoyed, she hit the ice and then – still not getting up, sitting on the ice – she leaned, crossing her arms on her knees and hiding her face in them.

"Amalka." the blonde coach said from behind the boards. "Amalka! Get up, come on! You rested enough."

She slowly got up, discreetly wiping her eyes. She gained speed again, skating a lap around the rink. Then set up for the same jump, but popped it, doing just one rotation. After landing, she waved it off.

"Wrong! Why did you give up?! Do it until the end!" after those words, Amaliya made another attempt, this time not jumping at all. "No, no, come over here." she did as Eteri asked, skating over to the boards. "What is it? What's happening? You're suddenly scared to jump?"

"No it's... It's my leg, I feel as if it's not keeping me up." she explained, resting forearms against the words.

"Your leg? From what I see it's completely alright." Eteri outstretched one hand and grabbed Amaliya's hand. "It's not easy to be an athlete, but those are the hardest and most defining moments. You can give up, go home and rest, but then you throw out of the window all you worked for. That's what you want?"

"No."

"Then go on and do it. Again."

She skated out on the rink again, making two laps until deciding to go into the jump. She fell again, and instead of immediately getting up she laid down.

"Continue." this time there was no irritation in the coach's words, just a cold edge, which was honestly even worse than shouting. "Continue." she repeated, writing something in her notebook. "People will think I'm a monster..." she murmured to herself, sighing heavily. Meanwhile in the background Amaliya was getting up.

"How is Eteri Gorgievna?" the lady from outside of the frame asked, while in the background was a video of Amaliya this time successfully landing a jump.

The scene cut to Ama once more, except this time she was sitting on the boards with crossed legs. In that purple training outfit he once chose. Actually, each time she was saying something and visible on the screen, she had this one, sometimes even on the training videos.

"Beautiful, that's for sure." she said and laughed at her own answer. "Demanding, like every good coach should be. Very determined, devoted to her job. Honestly, that's also very important, I wouldn't like a coach to sugarcoat, if I'm bad I want to know that." she chuckled and took a moment to think more. "I like working with her. I think I wouldn't be where I am if I was with any other coach. She's also very patient, to keep up with my stubborness. Just... Just someone who knows how to be successful."

"Yeah, it's obvious from all the medals you and Medvedeva got, and Alina will continue to amaze us alongside you as well." the lady that interviewed her said.

"The next generation actually may be even better. Like... When I started in seniors, jumps with arms overhead were considered hard. Right now? Juniors here do that. Oh my god, I'm eighteen and already talking about the generation that comes after me as if I'm about to retire, isn't it horrible?" she chuckled again, but it sounded like she wanted to mask some pain.

Then there was another cut. To other girls, to other injuries and stories behind them and how they overcame them. And after that, on the screen appeared Eteri herself.

"Every athlete is different, and has different tolerance. Some will need more time off, while others will want to come back too much, so that they'll either withstand inconveniences or take painkillers and push through them like that. I adjust to them." she explained, gesturing. "I want to see them happy, on the podium, not sulking somewhere backstage and comforting them."

"That's what hurts the most? When they're disappointed in themselves?" the lady asked after.

"No. Even bigger pain is when I see them doing something and know they can be even better, but don't have motivation to improve. I know then it's my job to push them, so later they'll be able to be happy with their results."

"Some people on the Internet, especially those who never trained themselves, call it abuse."

"Nonsense." Eteri quickly answered. "When I see they can't take it anymore, how their legs tremble while skating, I tell them to get off the ice, that it's enough for today. They can sometimes be stubborn and want more, but If I see they have had enough there is no discussion." she said in a firm tone, leaving no space for discussion. "Occasional tears, tiredness, pain, it's all part of the sport, especially an elite one. It may be overwhelming and you need to take it out, and let them do it."

Then also came a short part, when she was asked about Amaliya and her recent sickness. She spoke about how determined she is to get back to shape and how hard it is to get her to rest. But overall, she's also very positive about the Olympics. Europeans showed everything, that if she's able to perform in a bad shape, she'll surely be able to do even better, when she's fully recovered.

"Actually, I think she should get her weight down a little. That's her problem for now, that's another reason why her ankle started to ache sometimes. When she overcomes it I'm one hundred percent sure she can medal."

Get her weight down? Okay, they might have seen each other once and it was months ago, besides that he only saw her on the pictures or videos she sent or posted, but for him her weight was perfectly fine. If anything, too low, not too high. He might not know much about figure skating, but isn't that a universal knowledge? That underweight is not healthy? And as dangerous as overweight?

That was one of the last parts, and when the whole documentary ended, Max didn't know what to think.

It literally left him speechless. Also helped understand her a little more. But it was still confusing: She spoke of many questionable things as if they're completely normal to him, but didn't want to admit it in conversation?

His dad was cold, maybe also did things some people would call bad or abuse, but it's different. He's his dad and it's motorsport. He was forced into many things, but those didn't have a bad impact on him. He might have been annoyed or on the verge of tears back then, but it's different.

Maybe it wasn't that different after all, but Max would surely not admit it. He judged what he has just seen as unnecessarily cruel at many moments, but refused to think about himself in the same categories. Different sport, different relation with coach, and he's a guy. Meanwhile what he has seen made him feel protective over not only Ama, but also her friends, who had similar experiences.

After seeing it whole, he came back to some moments, watched them again, paused, frowned. Where is the line between just a harsh training practice and abuse? This is an elite sport, but it absolutely is not like that everywhere, right? If it was she'd be openly speaking about it, wouldn't she? Or maybe she just didn't want him to see her like that, having problems, being imperfect. And that's also why she didn't want him to visit.

Actually, he felt worse after watching it. But what did he expect? Rainbows and roses?

It only made him feel even more hopelessly. In addition, now he'll have to not blurt out he watched it, to not scare her away. Besides that she may not want him to see her like that – which means... Maybe she values him like he'd like her to? – maybe it's really a hard, traumatic topic for her. He cannot bring it up until she's ready.

Maybe he can show her somehow that she can speak about anything with him, that he's not afraid of any topics?

He'll check on her from time to time, maybe one day she'll answer something else than 'I'm okay'. Until then, he's gonna try to be more present, send more messages, call more often, and show support subtly. Even with his own new season coming slowly, but she's just as important. He can reconcile those two things.

A bit less teasing – but not too much, as maybe she talks with him because of that light atmosphere – and more grounded tone, and maybe slowly she'll open up to him. He could be her safe space, and... dunno, help her get out of it?

He's not a patient person, but has no other choice here.

~

Dragging leg after leg she managed to get to the kitchen, and there, one hand on the counter – stopping herself from falling over – while with the other she reached to the shelf, looking for the thermometer.

She can't be ill now, but she feels so horrible... And it surely isn't a dream. It wasn't that bad yesterday. Yes, she had some problems after a long talk with her brother, but nothing she expected to escalate like this. Many times she had similar symptoms, but it never ended like this. Of course it had to change when Olympics are in less than two months. Life has to hate her. She gives up everything for that one event, and her own body tries to sabotage her. But no way in hell she lets it. Even if they'll have to drag her off the ice after, she will skate there. She won't give up her once–in–a–lifetime chance to get that gold.

She finally grabbed the thermometer and put it under her arm, starting a timer on her phone. Leaning against the counter, holding herself up by what seemed like sheer strength of will, she scrolled through the saved contacts and chose the number for the doctor from her skating club. He also takes care of the national team, he always manages to put everyone together when it matters.

They talked for a while, long enough that Amaliya took a thermometer out and saw thirty–nine degrees. They agreed she'll come today – well, she said she doesn't need a home visit and can come. Will just take a taxi. Despite that, it all felt like hell.

She couldn't swallow anything, not to mention that if she sat, maybe she wouldn't get up at all. Dressing up for the weather outside was hard enough for her. Sitting in a taxi she didn't know if she was so hot because of the temperature in the car, her thick clothes or the fever. Or everything at once. Twice she doubted herself that she locked the door and three times checked if she really had her phone, and panicked when it wasn't in the bag – yeah, it was in her hand.

Beside that, on the way she really tried to focus on thinking, on planning what now. How to change the training plan for it to still work out. But she couldn't. Thoughts were... As if running away on their own. The only thing she could keep in her mind, was beeing grateful that she already have done so many rehealsals, put so much work in her programs. She just needs to feel a little better, get rid of the fever and can do it, mindlessly.

The visit itself was no better. Especially when she heard that the doctor suspects pneumonia, from slight crackles he heard while auscultating. It can't be! Or just give me something for fever and cough and let me work.

She got antibiotics, meds for cough and the worst of all... Was told to rest. At least a week. If it's 'just' a week, she's gonna be back on the ice after the new year, second of January. And Europeans are at eighteenth. Days are gonna slip through her fingers like sand, and may not be enough time to recover enough to compete with her teammates.

One thing she knew for sure: She can't have more than one week off, it would completely destroy her dreams. It's not an injury she can't skate on. Her legs are healthy, she only needs to force a few minutes out of her lungs. Fever is not gonna last forever, it should give up in max a few days. And with it chills, cold hands and burning face will be gone. After that it's just gonna be her against the coughing, she's been doing worse.

Either way she's forced to have that week off. A few days without training won't kill her, she may replay it in her head. And when she feels better, do a little off–ice training in the living room. That will have to be enough until she can come to the training complex again.

For now going upstairs was more than enough of a physical exertion for her.

The first three days were the worst. Walking like a zombie, forcing herself to swallow a damn salad while she happened to not cough. But even worse than physical symptoms, was pretending everything is alright, when dad called, or Leo or Max texted.

The only person she told how bad she felt was Evgenia. They always shared those things. Well, Evgenia had also other people to tell that, like her mom, but for Amaliya, her friend was the only one she could say it and be completely understood. They thought similarly, knew what their sport requires and what had to be sacrificed. Amaliya even remembered, how they were once joking about visiting a doctor with an injury before. And the answer for a diagnosis was: 'So?'. Then doctor would went: 'You won't be able to walk', but answer came immediatelly: 'but I'll be able to skate, like, come on!'. A few painkillers, boot was stiff enough... And as we can see, everyone survived. She'll get through this as well, she had only little doubts, but enough frustration (or obsession) to push. Worse was assuring everyone she's alright, when she barely had energy in her to check her phone. She posted some picture from the last week on her story, so no one would suspect anything. It usually took her some time to answer texts, so it also wasn't suspicious that she was gone for hours. Yet somehow it hurt mentally. That now, when she was on a forced time off, she couldn't give attention to those she cares about. Ignoring calls, apologizing, saying she has no time or is tired and wants to rest. Well, partially it was true, but not in the meaning she let them believe.

Max: You okay? You've been quiet

She got that message on the first day of her suffering already. In the evening, when she usually had some time.

Ama: Yeah, I've been busy, sorry

She typed it slowly, making typos and correcting them. And then stared at it way too long before clicking send and blocking the phone, hiding face in the pillow again.

Max noticed. Of course he did, but not only from this one text. She was less playful, her answers were short and she didn't initiate anything. And no voice messages? Something was off, something felt off – like a gut feeling.

He wasn't overthinking, that maybe he did something wrong and she didn't want to talk with him. Instead it was a thought that something is going on in her life and she doesn't want to share it. He wasn't going to pressure her into saying, it would make her even less likely to say. Maybe she's just not ready yet, needs some more time, maybe just didn't trust him yet.

It could be something regarding what he read in the comments and it had him concerned for her well–being. The longer he thought about it, the more annoyed he was, because he could do nothing about it. No fixing, not even supporting.

Forcing himself to be patient was a horrible task.

"I wish you could tell me what's the truth." he murmured, looking up at the little lion plushie, that was standing on the pillow on the made bed. "You spent quite some time with her, huh?" he came over and picked it up, brushing fingers through its mane. He got an idea.

On the second day of her suffering, in the evening, Amaliya was standing in the kitchen, looking at the kettle as if that would make it boil water faster. Just after she managed to turn down a call from her dad, the screen of her phone brightened again. Either way she was waiting for the water to boil, so she picked it up and unlocked.

Max: *sent a photo of the lion plushie sitting on the balcony railing* Max: Found him like that in the morning, he's wondering how are you

The softest smile appeared on her face as she read that text. That was so sweet. Even more, when she thought about Max setting the whole scene up and maybe stressing for it to not fall over the barrier. But the shot was really pretty, as if the little lion was really reflecting.

She herself would gladly stand on a balcony with such a view and... no, she doesn't even need to reflect, she could just enjoy the view.

But at the same time it meant that he was suspecting something. That was something she had hoped to avoid. Have people worry about her, try to pull her away from what mattered the most to her.

Ama: Been out with Zhenya and she exhausted me like usually

It felt bad, to lie to him like that, but it was all for her own good – despite that most people would probably think otherwise.

Max: Hope I don't exhaust you

Despite her condition, she raised an eyebrow at that. It was cute, bold, joking and serious all at once. It would be easier to decide on one if it was said, not written. No matter what it was supposed to be, she wanted to answer something light, so the mood won't be heavy – even if she probably will fall on bed in like ten next minutes and won't answer for hours again.

It took her some time before she got an idea (the water managed to boil) and hoped he didn't notice that.

Ama: Nah, you could read a phone book and I'd still be listening

After sending that she put her phone screen down on the counter and picked up her cup with tea. Not even thinking about how it could be understood. She didn’t have strength for it. It sounded playful? Show everything is alright? Yes. Then no reason to overthink right now, when her head hurts.

On day four of her illness, she finally started to feel better. Fever dropped and she wasn't walking around her apartment like a zombie anymore. Still coughing, but not a zombie.

On day five, despite still being weak, she started to also feel boredom. She sat on the bed, duvet over her back, laptop in front of her. She was looking through things she usually didn't have time for. Spent way too much time looking through cosmetics and clothes. Especially designer shoes, she had a weak spot for those – one of the little things she had after her mother probably.

But what can she do? They're so pretty, even if not always comfortable. It might have started with stealing her mother's shoes and walking around apartment in them... And them getting some of her own. Besides, some were still cheaper than her skates – not that she was paying for those, currently they were sponsored by the country alongside other things.

What was surprising, was that she could very well not just walk, but run in them. Eteri once joked about it, when Amaliya was running in high heels on some award ceremony. She said, that Amaliya runs better in skates and heels than in flat boots. And... That could be true. She didn't count, but she might have tripped in sneakers more – but it could also be due to the fact, that she wore those more often.

Some shopping would surely make her feel better now, right?

She switched to looking through skating stuff, some new leggings or maybe guards for blades? Scrolling through the sites she couldn't help but have a strange feeling in her chest. A dream of starting her own brand one day came back to her. It wasn't just good, hopeful thoughts. Because starting a brand would mean investing a lot of money and time. Time, which she doesn't currently have. So starting a brand meant no training, no competing. Meant retirement.

She wasn't ready for that! To leave all this behind, no matter how much it drained her. On the other hand, she couldn't say how much time she had left. Sounds pretty scary, considering she's just eighteen – okay, she turns nineteen in five months, but still. But how much more she can go like that? Mentally probably much longer than physically, depends how many injuries or illness are waiting for her around the corner.

Immediately to her head came Yulia Lipnitskaya, who made her decision to retire even before she turned nineteen. But she had harsher seasons and injuries. She's different, she faces everything and makes her way through it, it never ends badly for her. She still has time, right? How she feels right now is only temporary.

Then the intercom suddenly made sound and broke her away from her thoughs.

She was expecting anything, but got up and checked what's going on. It turned out, it was the gift her brother and dad both mentioned.

She brought this on the bed, on the way grabbing scissors to open it. Even if she was thinking completely clearly, she'd still have no idea what it might be. They always gave her gifts not related to skating at all, it could be anything. This was small. Yet many things were inside, she heard it when she shook the box.

Of course...

The first thing she saw was way too many sweets. Chocolate, Kinders, lollipops and those candies she said she likes just once, but it was enough for her dad to give it to her always when he had an occasion. Not that she's gonna eat all that, at least not quickly. She still has some sweets from the last package. When she was still living with her mother, she had to steal those and eat them in secret, because if she noticed... Let's say, she wasn't nice.

Between all that was a small box, looking like from a jewellery store. Amaliya slowly opened it and saw a silver necklace with a little silver moon with some crystals. On the other side was a little engravement which she barely could read: 'Christmas 2017'. So she knows what gift she got when, they usually had a date somewhere on. Even on the inside of a cap. At the bottom of the cup. On the etui of a phone.

She put it on and raised her phone to see how it looks like. Luckily, was long enough so she could put it under the the dress on competition, so she won't have to take it off. Then she noticed the note. One read was enough to know it was her damn brother writing it to rile her up.

'Find your sun at last, which light you will reflect'.

Very funny. Pure commedy. I'm gonna hit him when I see him.

Headache.: You dumbass, I AM the sun. 😤

Answer came way too quickly, as if he was waiting for her to say something about that.

Idiot.: Okay okay, then find another sun to compete with Idiot.: I wanted to buy a sun, but dad said you're more like a moon, always hiding a part of yourself

It hit her way too much before she realised it's probably another phrase meant to tease her.

Headache.: I regret every moment I spent with either you in my entire life.

Idiot.: I'm kidding! You're way too easy to rile up 😂 Idiot.: We both think moon photos are prettier and the moon necklace was prettier than the sun one Idiot.: Oh! And out of curiosity I checked the moon phase when you were born while at the shop. Did you know it was a full moon? 98.31% visible!

How did he, my Leo, remembered such an exact number but forgets when I tell him to like my story?!

Headache.: You're in your zodiac girl era or what? Headache.: Besides, then why this moon isn't full?

Idiot.: Shut up, you're being snippy

Headache.: Oh, sorry for retaliating 🙄

Idiot.: Buuuut you like it?

Headache.: Yeah, despite that it's partly from you <3

Idiot.: And you're feeling much better I see

Headache.: And we had such a nice conversation already... Better go throw your ball o sth

Idiot.: Actually, I'm on my way to do so. You have fun with your shoes with knives

Oh, she'd love to go to the ice rink. Instead she has a spinner and skipping rope waiting for her in the living room.

* * *

When after a New Year's Eve Amaliya was walking through the streets of Moscow towards the training complex, her head was way too full for her liking, especially before a training.

It was probably the hardest entering into a new year in her life. She was alone, still not feeling great, and lying again that all is alright. Oh, and she saw the video of her attempting a quad, that apparently was a viral on the skating fan accounts.

It appeared on her Instagram feed and at first she couldn't believe she's actually seeing it. Who filmed and uploaded it? Why? It wasn't even good – not for her at least. She'd like to ignore it, she basically did, because didn't say a word about it, even though people were asking, some even demanding her to say whether she's gonna attempt it in competition or not. And have she had some better attempts.

Staying silent online didn't mean the same offline. Before, it was a thing only she could be frustrated about, something no one expected of her. She could work on it in peace, make progress and decide when she's gonna be ready to show it.

Now? Now it's gonna be expected of her, and if she doesn't deliver, it's gonna be a big failure. She may not try at all, then they gonna ask, press her into it. And if she tries and fails? She'll look stupid. A girl who's ambitions outgrow her. Idiot for even trying something like that. Burned–out.

When she was setting records by landing new combinations, first of all she was younger, barely fifteen. She could do those in training without problems multiple times. But most importantly: she was new in the senior cathegory, only expectations from juniors going after her, nothing more. Now her place was more established, and anything could destroy it.

And right now? She felt like things were falling apart in her hands.

She barely made it through the off–ice warm–up, but was determined. They told her she doesn't have to rush anything, that health is important. How could she understand, when everything around her was going on normally? Others were improving and time was passing inexorably.

So at one moment she was listening, the second shaking her head stubbornly, and the third on the bench, lacing up her skates. She might have a little higher temperature than she should have, she might be barely catching her breath after exertion, but she pushed through this. After all, she's that kind of athlete that can survive a lot of pain in the name of a perfect performance.

That was her choice. That's what she continued to tell herself with every step towards the ice rink. It's her choice, no one makes her be here, she wants to train, to go back to form after illness (because yes, in her head she wasn't sick anymore, not when she could function like on a normal day). No even once she had a thought that they should stop her. Force her to rest. Don't let her come her. Prioritize her health. She might have been told health is very important and she doesn't have to rush, but what of that, if all it took was a definite 'no' from her and doors to the training complex were open?

An illusion that the choice is hers.

Because even if she didn't admit it, she knew: she either fights or may retire already. Everyone will give her looks if she'd go back after a longer stay at home. She'd be a disappointment. They all gave her so much and she can't even try a little harder? Others would do it if they were her. They'd kill to be in her place. Does she really want to throw all of her career out the window because of one little illness? Pathetic. That's what she was the most scared of. Of being a disappointment in her and everyone's eyes.

So she took guards off the blades and stepped on the ice. Her stamina was trash. Literally. Jumps felt horrible, if she even completed them. A full run–through a program? Impossible, even with the short one. She had to make pauses to cough, claiming it's just the air at the rink.

"No, no. It's a nonsense, you waste my time, go home." Eteri said, when Amaliya stopped after completed a spin.

She leaned forward, hand against her knees, trying to catch a breath when her lungs felt like fire. If it goes like this she'll have to withdraw from the Europeans and there is no way she's gonna accept that. She has never withdrew from any competition, no matter how she was feeling. It's not going to change now.

Her stamina couldn't get that bad in just a week, if only not that coughing... She'll have it back, she'll force it back.

"I'm fine, I can do it." she answered, straightening up and wiping her still slightly warm forehead.

"Then stop look like a beaten up dog and do it."

With a nod, she continued with the routine. Step sequence into a solo triple jump, wasn't that hard. The landing wasn't the best, but she held onto that edge and managed to continue choreography. The problem came with a triple axel. A half more rotation which... well, she didn't get.

She basically landed it forward, spinned on the ice the missing rotation as the blade cut into the ice and then fell, despite trying to keep herself up with a hand. But the hand slid, as well as the other leg, and she hit the ice with her hip once again.

"Continue." she heard, when was taking too much time to get up. But it really hurt, she couldn't remember last time when she fell so much during one training session. "If you're going to cry don't waste space on the ice."

She pushed herself up to sitting and then stood up. That's what she wanted. She knew it won't be easy, professional sport never is. When she gets the Olympic gold she'll be thank her past self, or maybe won't even think about how hard the path was.

Then why was she crying on the way home? As if her dream was already shattered and she wasn't doing everything she could to put it back together? She held it in so well during training, why can't she now? Swallow it and forget.

Back at home, she washed her face and after drying it up with a towel, slid down to the floor against the wall. She needs to stop thinking about it. Push it as far as she can, so when she comes back to it tomorrow, she's gonna have a fresh mind. New motivation. Better mood.

She sat there for a dozen minutes, steading up her breath and testing how her voice sounds, before reaching to an only person that was able to pull her mind completely away from skating.

Ama: How was your day so far?

Max: Been on the simulator Max: You might have ruined my lap time

A gentle smile again. Oh, if he knew how glad she was he answered so quickly. Even if it really ruined his time in his beloved game.

Ama: We haven't talked for some time, wanna catch up? Ama: I can even let you yap about the simulator thing

After clicking send, she chewed on the inside of her cheek. Hopefully it doesn't sound strange. It's logical, talking instead of texting if he was playing. Unless she was bothering him either way. I can be silent, only listening, just please say yes.

Max: Can even share the screen if you'd like to watch

Victory.

Ama: You know what? Why not Ama: Maybe I'll even manage to record you crash

~

~Author's note~

Just wanna let you know I added (current) word count of this fanfic on its masterlist, if anyone was wondering <3 Would you like me to add wc on chapters or you don't care? I usually add it on one–shots, but may do here as well