Untitled

I’ve lost a few

It’s not even you..

It’s the reminder of the lot of yous

As time passes I become more amused

I used to get mad,

Realized I was actually sad..

But now it’s just plain comical

And uneconomical

I’m not missing out

I have no one to call on the phone

Im so deprived of being treated like a human

He never hit me, but I felt beaten

Im desperate for the slightest adult interaction

Even the simplest of conversation

Craving instant gratification

From a little notification

Why am I sad

Why do I feel bad

Why do I apologize

Why is every thing sexualized

Or romanticized

I'm still traumatized.

I just want to disappear

I'm filled with all this anxiety and fear

I Just wanted to say hi

But I don't, my throats too dry

I just wanna go home

I washed my sheets and still smell your cologne

I'm here talking to you as if you were the moon

Wishing you could tell me why through a tune

My heart aches for more reasons then one

Like why didn't I walk away the first time I said I was done

Howd you pretend to care about me so well

And I swear I'm not trying to sit and dwell

But I can't say I didn't care

And all this pain I feel isn't fair

I'm the one who invested the real me

And that's more then you ever showed me

I don't miss you anymore or even us l'd say

Every time I try it comes out just to much, too much heart, too much hurt, too much pain, and sometimes I get blood on the people I'm talking to from the cut in my tongue from clenching my teeth trying to hold it all in..

My entire life l've been told, I'm too much or not enough, I am too loud, I smile too much, I'm too quite, I love too much, l'm too friendly, I'm a lot, I'm weird, I'm doing too much, I'm not doing enough, I'm crazy, I'm stupid, I'm pathetic, I'm annoying, I am not good enough, my feelings are manipulating or they're guilt tripping, l've been told that I'm selfish..

I've been told these things by people who claimed to have loved me.

And I hate telling you

Because you don’t miss me too

I love you

And I hate telling you

I buried all those feelings within

But here I lay awake at night,

And all of a sudden I see day light

My heart hurts, my eyes can’t cry

How can you so easily just lie?

I am just so tired,

but my mind is wired

Why did I think this would go any other way..

But feel warm and loved under the covers

That’s when the depression has creeped in

and your soul may even crave sin

It’s so easy to fall away from reality

Like there is no such thing as gravity

It doesn’t make sense that I feel this way

To love

To lose

To be forgotten

To forget

To want you

To need you

I am not sure why you think it makes you heartless

I want to touch your lips, but I can’t lose self control

Looking at you I feel the warmth of your soul

Everyone is so scared to say what they want

I’m not though, I want you and this blunt

Watching the sun setting in the distant skies

I see the desire burn in your eyes

The brighter the flame

The less of yourself you have to tame

But I say that light is only strong,

My living real-life nightmare

You ain't playing fair

I'm drowning on the inside

While you can't swallow your pride

I'm lost, just wanna be found

I'm screaming your name but you dont hear a sound

I've slowly gone insane

What did you expect from all this pain

I hide it well, masked with a smile

I pick up the phone and start to dial

I have to remember who this is for

With your fake promises

And fucking lies

Why won't you let me just cut ties

Maybe ill slip up

While I'm drinking out this cup

I ain't your good luck chuck

And I wasn't some random fuck

But you pushed me away

And stay changin watcha say

Now I'm sitting here drinking

No matter the reason it still can be torture

I'm staring at your face holding back the tears

While my heart is punctured by a thousand spears

One for every lie and for every kiss in between

I look into your eyes and wish I could have foreseen

That moment you changed your mind about me

You broke down my walls just to deceive me B

That look in your eyes when you said you loved me tho

Even got my mind on another level

Double takes like my visions blurred

Cause you're so sly with each word

Tryin to confuse me like the riddler