I got music in me baby.

And then he apologized.

No. No. This had gone far enough now. Waltz in from wandering out in the cold, in the middle of the night, knock on her door, and apologize? She almost wanted to laugh, remark that they weren’t in a high-end music video where he gets the girl in the end. But..she was foolish enough to believe in the spot of hope she had long dwelled on that her old friend was here again. For as long as he had been gone. For as long as he gone without saying it before, the words definitely hit a sore spot as he had the nerve to say them now. The new shining personality, the cocky attitude…it was suddenly a lot hitting all at once. Here he finallu was, singing superstar Alex Holmes.

 “You know…” She brought her hand up to nudge his away from her hair. “I think that’s enough catching up for one night. If you tell me everything now, I won’t have anything new to hear at the breakfast table in the morning.” Zia gave him a light smile before getting up from her seat, in a slight hurry. She didn’t want to hear anything else he had to say, didn’t want to set herself up for further embarrassment any longer. “There’s blankets at the top of the jacket closet. I don’t think you’ve outgrown the couch too much.” The last bit she tried to play off without being snarky, but if a hint of it dropped through, she wasn’t completely sorry for it. “I’ll see you at breakfast…My mom will be excited to see you.”

Yet it wasn’t. 

His hand dropped heavily back to his lap, reality coming back. They weren’t just Zia and Alex anymore, he had changed them. It’d been nice for a moment, but it wasn’t the truth. He deserved her not wanting to be near him, deserved any anger she had towards him. 

Watching her for a moment longer, he nodded. Desperately he reached out slightly, wanting to have her stay with him a little while longer. He closed his eyes turning his head away from her and let his hand drop into his lap again. He couldn’t do that, he didn’t want to hurt her anymore.

“Couch is fine, thank you.” He said slowly turning to look up at her again, he did his best not to flinch at her words. Subtle, but still powerful. Somehow he mustered a small smile, “I look forward to the morning.”

“Boys,” Alex muttered out, honestly who cared if they looked girly or not. “Tell them that Alex Holmes says that Sprinkles make everything better. I’ll even write them a note!” Leaning forward again to show he would, he’d gotten so used to signing things, that a simple little note to Zia’s siblings wouldn’t be a problem. 

Watching her carefully, he absently reached towards his mouth, finding cookie crumbs. He let his face fall slightly as she retreated to the kitchen again. Part of him wanting to stand and follow her, being in her space for as long as possible. Yet he couldn’t, he had to give her space. After all he’d been rude enough to show up unannounced at her door.

“Just can’t get enough of me Z?” A cocky smile formed on his lips, forcing himself not to tense up at her touch. He craved it, but he also knew he didn’t deserve it. Any of this, he didn’t deserve any of this. He was waiting for her to snap, waiting for her to scream at him, throw things at him. Perhaps she wouldn’t do that, she was always so collected, not like the models he’d spent time with. Those relationship were hardly relationships, his people told him he was going to appear with them, act like they were dating. To him it was all for the show, to them maybe it wasn’t. He’d broken it off, every time. Their names across all kinds of gossip blogs, magazines and shows talking about the drama and their break up. Zia was nothing like those girls, she was always a breath of fresh air, even when he’d been with her all weekend. 

Her words hung in the air around him, unable to speak for a moment. His mind screamed to say he missed her too, that he hated how he ended things. "Yeah,” he said slowly, wanting so badly to lean in and capture her lips with his own. “I’ve missed you too Z.” More than anything, his mind screamed. He stared at her for a long moment, wondering if he should say anything or perhaps he should just stay silent and let her talk forever. “Well,” he started, his eyes moving to her hair that hung over her shoulder. “Not everyone is nearly as cool as you and me. We were the fun of this town, we made it enjoyable.” He found his hand playing with the ends of her hair mindlessly. He wanted so badly to reach out and wrap his arms around her waist but knew he better not. 

“Fried everything?” Alex looked over to her with raised brows, though the idea sounded slightly gross, he’d likely have to try everything if they did go somewhere like that. Zia’s touch always made his heart race, even if it was an innocent touch like holding hands. He loved being around her, she kept him on his toes, and she was the best supporter he had ( next to his mom ). “Hey now, there was a pretty good singer a few years ago. Uh, I can’t remember her name but she wasn’t half bad.” Although a grin crossed his lips, he pulled her closer to him, unlinking their hands and wrapped an arm around her should to draw her closer. “I know, maybe one day.” He tried to keep his knowing smile to himself. He’d already made the plans, already knew he’d be opening the show. Alex hadn’t really cared where he as in the show, he just wanted to get on the stage. He itched to play in front of people, yet he also wanted to throw up. The idea of so many people watching was terrifying, what if they hated him? What if they booed him?

“I’m going to eat all of this by myself if you don’t stop me.” Zia threatened as a spoon disrupted her grin as  another delicious spoonful of a snowcone went into her mouth.The Fair literally had the best snowcones known to man. Which was probably was a  bit of an exaggeration because they really were the only snowcones Zia had ever tried. But she was certain nothing could compare to them. Same could be said for the rest of the carnival food that graced their noses along with the ambiance of the lively winter fair. It was supposed to be his snowcone (she opting to have cotton candy instead) but after he handed it aside for her to hold for a quick moment the treat wasn’t going to leave her hands easily. With another giggle she poked at the snowball with her spoon readying for another bite. “How many people do you think would call us crazy or insane for selling snowcones in the winter? Just shows how much endurance we have against the terror of cold.” She went on, looking at her boyfriend to see if he actually was going to try and stop her anytime soon.

Alex watched from the door a moment longer, finally slipping his shoes off and taking his coat off. Moving into the living room he couldn’t help but let a small smile form. He wanted to feel comfortable again in her space, yet he felt so out of place. Everything felt familiar, but he didn’t. He stood out in the empty room, everything was a reminder of what he left. Flinching at his thoughts, he wasn’t aware of how much self loathing he really could do. Taking a seat just in time as she came into his view again. He took the cookies gingerly, let a small laugh out. “Okay, okay.” 

'You look beautiful.’ 

The expressions unconsciously brought a sound from her throat and immediately she ducked her head downward. Did Mr. Lyrics have an off button? Had he really stepped into her house and called her beautiful? Who gave him the right? Why did the butterflies in her stomach still respond to that expression and goddammit she felt a heat on her cheeks blushing from it. Was he pretending the last two years didn’t happen? Zia couldn’t read the game he was playing right away, but he’d won an amused smile on her face from what he said. Quickly Zia regained her composure and tossed her hair when she looked back up at him. Oh she had some choice words for him. Yes she did.  “And you’re still as handsome and poetic as ever.” she said as a jab back at him but her tone totally betrayed her…. and those were definitely not the choice words that she had in mind. 

Why couldn’t she be so bitter and angry lat him for what he did?! He literally chose one of the worse ways to dump her at one of the most crucial points in her life. She believed in him more than any of those Hollywood junkies said they did. But they were better, richer, living a much faster pace than she could ever catch up with. But still…her heart was happy. Her heart was racing looking into his eyes, studying his expression, taking his presence in and trying to make of his appearance all at once. Her best friend was home for Christmas. Her best friend had come back and knocked on her door. That had to mean something right?

“Never been better actually. We finished decorating the tree before  Christmas this year, so, major accomplishment. I was just catching up on some Netflix,” she motioned her thumb over her shoulder to any area behind her in particular. Looking at him again, a genuine smile spread across her lips. A sentiment was bubbling in her throat and the longer she looked at him the closer it came to vomiting itself out until it finally did. “Welcome home, Superstar. It’s good to see you. Alex Holmes in the flesh.”

Letting a small chuckle on the comment of the tree, his gaze moved towards the tree. “It looks good,” he offered a smile, though sad as it was. Zia’s smile though took his breath away, it made him want to grin, made him want to curl into her. That smile that made him want to make her keep smiling. 

“Come on,” he mused, tilting his head to look at her. “Don’t call me that. I’m still your Alex, just - Alex.” He said slowly, he didn’t want to be someone famous to her, he wanted to be her best friend again. Which he doubted that would happen, but it was worth a shot right?

It felt like a jolt when she touched him, the almost sunk into her touch. Wanted to move closer and feel her arms around him, feel her in his arms. Stay that way forever, just staring at each other. Close enough to touch, close enough to speak. He wanted her closer, but he didn’t deserve that. He was afraid if he had her closer he’d hurt her again. Her question made a small smile form, so kind even to those who didn’t deserve her kindness. You. Was all his brain screamed, he wanted anything she’d give him. “I would love a cookie, you guys always made the best. Maybe some hot cocoa because I’m a little chilled from the walk.”

There was a moment while they stood there, so close. That he wanted to pull her close and kiss her. Feel her lips against his once more, feel her cheek against his hand, her hair in between his fingers. He wanted to wrap himself around her, and have her want him back. He wanted that high school love, he wanted all those songs he wrote to be them again. He wanted her with every fiber in him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t drag her back to him. 

A blonde sauntered up to the front of a door she occasionally glancing over her back as her breath shook with each step she took up the door’s steps. The ominous music narrating the woman’s movements and the eerie lighting of the apartment complex she was walking to made the scene tense and had Zia at the edge of her seat. Curled up on her couch Zia whispered out another warning to the character on her screen of her laptop. She was so far behind in watching Daredevil… Even if she wanted to binge, watching the gory, high suspense TV show during the day while her brothers were awake was a no go. Trent was a curious caper and the last thing she wanted was for them to even catch a glimpse of any of the scenes and get shaken with nightmares. But now with the snow falling, everyone sound asleep, and the freshly decorated Christmas tree illuminating the room it was a good time for Zia time. Even if she knew how this scene was going to play out no thanks to workplace chatter. 

The music was getting louder, Karen was through the door, and Zia’s heart was racing. Her blanket pressed tight into her face, leaning forward, eyes glued to the screen, the actual knock on her door made Zia jump scare out of Hell’s Kitchen and back into her living room. Snapping the headphones out of her ears with a yank in response, she looked up at the room, a quick check that nothing–or no one–was there with her before looking to where he front door was. She took a deep breath to calm down, holding her chest as she hit pause and tossed her laptop aside to get up. Where was her ominous music? It was just past midnight,freezing cold outside, and someone was knocking at her front door. She looked around again to see if anyone in her home was up to have made the sound before creeping slowly toward her front door. Pressing herself against the door softly, she peered through the peep hole to see….Alex…? 

Alex Holmes? The world’s newest singing sensation, her best friend, her high school sweetheart, her other half, her ex that left her behind with a lousy voicemail? If this were any girl else, they’d probably scream with delight and wake the whole neighborhood because it’s Alex Holmes. 

Rushing to unlock the door. Her heart raced like it had years ago–fast and slow all at once. His name, after so long, had touched her lips once more and louder than a whisper.  She knew that face, she knew the motion of his stature, and when she swung open the door and heard that voice–it was too much. It was him. He was here. Right there on her doorstep.

 “Al…?” She asked carefully, testing the nickname and nearly drowned in nostalgia at the familiarity. The sound of her name was like a ghost of a whisper and the second he said it she recalled the nights she asked to hear him say her name like that again just one last time for her to hold onto forever. Just in case, as she obviously stood corrected, he never came back. 

It was moments like these that he liked the night. No one was around to notice how much of a struggle he was having. No paparazzi waiting for him to do something stupid, no screaming fans to ask him what he was doing, or who he was dating. It was just him, out in the cold.

Zia was the one that got away. But she didn’t really “get away”, Alex sort of pushed her away. Walked away from her, so it was more his fault than anyone else.

This all was quickly forgotten once the door opened. Anything he thought he was going to say (which wasn’t much because he was thinking of running) wasn’t coming to him now. Suddenly there was nothing he could say, his voice taken from him. Nothing he could say would make up for anything, yet there she was.

She was beautiful, which wasn’t surprising, she always had been. But it was like he was hit with everything, her beauty, her voice, everything. He just wanted to curl up near he and just be near her. But he didn’t deserve that, he didn’t deserve to even be on her doorstep.

“I...” He didn’t know what to say or do, he didn’t want to go into her home. Yet he couldn’t help it. Her voice pulled him near, he’d do anything for her if only she’d ask. He home was familiar, warm, kind. It felt the same, smelt the same, yet it was different. Perhaps, it wasn’t different, but he was.

“I’m home for Christmas.” Alex spat out the words like they would explain everything. He wanted to tell her everything, why he was on her doorstep, why he couldn’t sit at home, why he left her. Yet no words came to him. Of course not, they only came to him when he was writing.

He thought of asking how her brothers were, how her family is, but that felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to say. “My feet brought me back to you.” Every time he spoke, it felt like it would make everything make sense, yet it didn’t. He’d have to explain, in words not in lyrics. Could he do that, though? Put his guilt and pride away to explain, to tell her he didn’t mean to hurt her. That he was stupid and young that he didn’t know a good - great thing when he had it. He was driven by the new fame that he wanted to experience it all, without a girlfriend to hold him back. It didn’t take long to see how lonely life was. But his pride stopped him from doing anything about it. So he filled that gap with people, no one that would stay, but just someone to keep him company for awhile.

“You look beautiful.” He said slowly, testing out the words again. It felt like he was picking her up to go on a date, but he wasn’t. He was being selfish, he ran away from home in hopes of getting away from the guilt. Now he was standing in front of her, having to figure out what to say, forcing her to be around him.