atrioventricular

Nanno kha!

It was not easy. Truth is, I hated myself.

I hate how I gave my trust so easily and how I allowed people to disturb my peace. I hate how I wasted my time being sad; that I begged for someone’s attention and basic love; and that I constantly asked for reassurance when I feel insecure. I hate my decisions, my weaknesses, and my own ways of masking the pain.

But I am done. I’m done blaming myself and hating my choices. All of the things and the people (including my old self) that I am leaving behind, they served as my lesson.

I learned to stop myself from being destructive every time I commit mistakes. I learned to cut off people who are not good for me. I deserve healing, so I am letting go of everything that has caused me pain.

Some of my quarantine artworks. 🌿

Hi guys pls pls follow my art ig account @_annavane

Looking through this throwback pictures makes me realize how far we’ve come as PT students! Pang-lima at huling taon na namin ‘to sa college. Grabe, nakakamiss pumasok sa school, makipagdaldalan sa kaklase, makinig sa lecture at magsulat ng notes araw-araw. I remember how I was so passionate in studying. Ang sarap-sarap mag-aral. I love working on my academic obligations until... clinical internship happened, where I got to explore and focus more on the real world. Medyo nag-iba mga top priorities ko. Masyadong maraming nangyari ngayong huling taon ko sa kolehiyo. Solid sa dami ng learnings and experience—inside & outside the school and hospital.

Hindi pa ako guma-graduate pero miss ko na maging normal na estudyante. Ang dami-daming nangyayari ngayon at ang dami ring mga hindi nangyari. Nakalatag na nang maayos lahat ng plano ko sa mga susunod na buwan pero sa isang iglap, boom, bigla nalang nawalan ng kasiguraduhan lahat. Masyadong nakaka-overwhelm lahat ng pangyayari. Minsan, pakiramdam ko sasabog na ‘ko.

Speaking of feelings, pakiramdam ko rin na ang dami ko ng utang na kwento dito sa blog ko. Sana magkaroon ako ng oras at sipag para i-update ‘to. Feeling ko ang dami ng nagbago sa’kin. Ang sarap lang balikan ng mga luma kong posts dito. Ang sarap balik-balikan ng tumblr.

Bumabalik (sana all???),

Ha? Happy birthday!

You’ve always been a good person since day one. 2015, the year when I met you. You were my favorite seatmate back then because you’d always make daldal (wow conyo aq) and we’d always end up laughing over everything. It’s unbelievable how 4 years have come so fast and how much we have grown and changed.

We may have changed individually and our friendship may not be the best, but I know that what we have is pure and real. For that, I’m thankful. Thank you for all the things, stories and lessons that you share with me. Thank you for keeping up with my kaartehan, kamalditahan and dramas in life. I’m sorry if sometimes, we have moments of misunderstanding. There are times that we seem to be distant from each other, but in the end, you’d always hold a part of my heart.

Here’s to more daldalan sa klase kahit na napapagalitan at pinaghihiwalay pa ng upuan!! Hahaha. Thank you for being my boy best friend! I wish you nothing but happiness and success. We may not talk everyday and all the time but please know that I am here for you.

Always.

I went through this phase of my third year in college wherein I lost all my confidence and motivation to study. I suddenly lost the spark to continue to work hard. I felt disconnected with my goals. I was distracted with my own thoughts and self-doubts. I was demotivated by my low grades. I let my own expectations to rule my life and so I was frustrated to see how my academic performance was dropping. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know what I was doing anymore.

Every night I would cry myself to sleep but every waking moment, I would always convince myself that everything will get better. And it does. Things get better, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually. I may have failed a lot of times, but I learned to bounce back and try again. I may get tired, but I learned to rest and move forward.

“No one can motivate you but yourself“. That being said, I learned to believe in myself. It’s hard to do because there will always be a reason to doubt myself with but I guess that’s what makes me grounded. I learned how to not let my thoughts consume me. I accept my weaknesses but I will not let mediocrity to control me. I am not  intelligent but I am consistently working on self-improvement. I value my hard work, my discipline and  my determination.

To my third year self, I am proud of you.

To my fourth year self, if you ever go through this point again, I hope you find this post to remind you that it will be okay. Just hold on and this shall pass.

I survived third year college. I survived but I destroyed myself.

It’s unbelievable how this amount of time has given me so much life lessons that have transformed me into who I am today. So right now, as I am writing this, I will allow myself to look back and point out the mistakes I made and how I learned from it along the way.

Mistake #1: Spending too much time on planning. I always like planning ahead of time but it came to the point where my plans only stayed as plans. In my degree program, we were taught that the purpose of planning is in order for us to prepare towards achieving an expected outcome. But reality speaking, in everyday lives, planning does not always work out the way we want it to be. It does not guarantee success. And every time I fail to achieve my plans, it would only give me unnecessary pressure and stress. Now, I learned that there are things that are beyond our control and we can do nothing about it. I speak so cliché but sometimes it’s better to go with the flow. It’s okay to plan, to set goals, but never forget to live the moment and not miss out the present.

Mistake #2: Holding onto the past failure. It’s ironic how I over-plan for the future yet I continued living in the past. There are times, up until now, that I wish to go back and start over again. During my second year, I was not able to make it to the dean’s list because of one minor subject, because of one point. It sucks that things don’t always work out even if you work hard. Sometimes, you do your best but it won’t be enough. It was a blur experience to me and I carried that emotional baggage for more than a year. Though, it gave me an opportunity to see the other side—that even I failed to achieve my goal, I still learned. And it’s always better to learn and fail, than failing to learn at all.

Mistake #3: Letting negativity to consume me. I really, really hate myself for being this way. For me, being negative is my defense mechanism to avoid expectation and disappointment. I know it’s an unhealthy thinking but it’s too hard to get rid of that habit. However, what I learned from this mistake is to let myself be surrounded with people that bring out the positive in me. In college, I have found both the best and worst people. Nonetheless, I’m glad that my friends are there to inject positivity in my life. These people made me realize that life isn’t so bad after all.

Mistake #4: Being too hard on myself. There are many times, maybe all the time, that I keep on comparing myself with other people. At some point, everyone else is better than me. That’s the reality. Before, I’d always get insecure. But now, I’m slowly learning to turn my insecurity into motivation. I want to be inspired by people’s successes. If others can do it, I believe that I can try. If others are smarter, I can be the hard working one.

Mistake #5: Self Invalidation. “Parang ‘yan lang iniiyakan mo.” I got tired of some people who minimized my feelings because they aren’t on the same page as mine. It made me think that my feelings are not valid and important. That I’m just overthinking and my problems are just shallow. I tell myself that there’s no point of opening up to others ‘cause they won’t understand as much as I don’t understand myself. So I want to remind myself—and to the person reading this—that our own feelings, pain, and experience do matter. For a long time, I prioritized studies but never my mental health. And it’s time to change that.

List goes on. Here’s a reminder that I’m only a human being who is full of flaws and imperfections. Admitting mistakes does not make me any less of a person. It makes me grow; it helps me make progress in life. My third year college has taught me how to learn from failure.

I have all the free time this vacation yet it feels like a blink of an eye. I’m not suprised anymore that April and May have gone by so fast, and now, there’s only a week left in June! But before I start ranting about how school is fast approaching (which will start on July 3), here are the things I have been up to this vacation.

BLOG UPDATE

I revamped my blog! I may not be always active here but I still want to make my blog look presentable. I’m happy with the outcome but I won’t lie, the html codes gave me a hard time. Haha! It’s also useful how I’m able to apply what I learned from my information technology course last semester. I edited this header gif from powerpoint. You can almost do anything on powerpoint, I swear.

Last month, our block section had a trip to Jose Rizal Shrine in Calamba. It’s a shame that it’s my first time to visit this historical place in Laguna. Since our rizal subject was full of reporting and quizzes, this little trip is like a breath of fresh air. I got to appreciate more what I learned from the book.

Hello! This is me, AV. I finally get to open my blog again after months of abandoning it. I hate that I am very inconsistent with my blog--and with life in general to be honest. Won’t be using the “busy-akong-tao-excuse“ anymore, katamaran lang talaga ‘to! Sorry na blog ko, bawi na me. :-(

Click continue reading if you want to read a recap of my life happenings during the past three months:

Criss-cross top? Culottes? I’ve been seeing a lot of people pulling off this outfit so yep, I’m giving this current fashion trend a try!

My mom knows I’ve been looking for culottes. I feel like I should have something like this on my closet. It’s a good option especially if I’m in no mood to wear jeans + I realize I’m not that used to wearing shorts when going out anymore. I need something to add on my bottoms selection. Good thing, my mom bought this! When she handed it to me, I immediately said, “Hala, kaparehas ng sa fave blogger ko!”

Merry Christmas! How’s the opening of your christmas presents? Hope you got something from your wish list! <3

My christmas gifts came early. Unexpected gifts are the best! I got mine last 2 months ago but I am including it now on my december favorites. Actually, these things that I got will be my ultimate favorites for the following months and months and months! Big thanks to my Santa!