wishful half-remembered fantasy

of course, i checked the news again, and the estimate was updated to eight, and then eleven. eleven. more than a minyan. a whole community. enough people to carry out all of our holiest acts. all of our power is in our communities, unified and not uniform, unique individuals coming together for something greater. here was an entire community, made of all the greeters and page-callers and oneg-setters we all know from our own communities, and now it’s gone. (and yes, before we knew who was killed, i did wonder if those eleven murdered did indeed constitute a minyan. after all, the count could have included children).

they tried to kill us, they failed, let’s eat! or, for some of our holidays: they tried to kill us, they succeeded, let’s fast! they succeeded, but. i had 32 people and one puppy over at the apartment on sunday for a (previously scheduled) brunch. we ate so much food – bagels and lox and babka and shakshuka and challah french toast. we are still alive. we will always be alive. they cannot kill us. (they kill us, anyway.) we eat. i know, i know – we will outlive them.

there’s no point to any of this. eleven people are dead, because of hate and guns, and in kentucky, two more people are dead, because of hate and guns, and there are people dying everywhere, every day, because of hate and guns, and i’m so tired, and i can’t feel any of it anymore.

i don’t know how it’s possible, but the one thing that gives me any comfort at all is the motivation of the killer – that the last straw for him was my people’s deeply held value of welcoming and providing comfort and shelter to all strangers. the value was lived and enacted by the incredible work of HIAS, and i see it enacted constantly in the lives of my friends and family. i love that this is who we are. i love being jewish.

my heart is with every space where we gather, and every space where I have gathered to be Jewish: in every mezuzah I have kissed, in every chair in the synagogue where I grew up, in every apartment where I have davened with my independent minyanim, in every shabbas flame I have drawn close to me and my community, in every act of loving kindness I have witnessed because that is who we can be.

oseh shalom bimromav hu yaaseh shalom aleinu v’al kol yisrael v’al kol yoshvei teiveil