Autistic Thinking

Taken from my blog post: Let's Talk About: Modes of Thought - Followup; a link is also available at my tumblr blog.

I'm a mixed mode thinker. About 60-65% aural (i.e. I think in words and hear the words as though they're being spoken out loud); about 20-25% visual, and about 15-20% what I've taken to referring as "conceptual thinking".

Aural Thinking: This is, as I mentioned above, mostly thinking in words and hearing them as though they're spoken out loud. This is very much my primary mode of thinking, even though my primary sensory mode is visual rather than aural. And it's very language-based, rather than general sound based, because it's all words. And I can think in English and French (I was in French Immersion from age 5 to age 12, and became at least passably fluent in French... i.e. I can think in it, and even with minimal exposure since I was 17, I can still switch to thinking in French easily enough), and sometimes words from German, Latin, and Spanish pop up. (I learned Latin and German in high school, 3 years each, and Spanish I learned fragments of from visiting my parents in Costa Rica, not to mention the influence of French and Latin.)

This is also, I think, how I learned intonation (see upcoming posts on social thinking and paralinguistics, but basically this is the "emotional content" of your voice). Most of us (whether diagnosed as Asperger's or Kanner's Autism) have very flat intonation, and according to my mother, that's what I used to have as well. But one of the ways in which the aural component of my thinking makes itself known is that when I'm reading, the words are scrolling through my mind as though they're being said, with all the intonation, pauses, and other elements of speech that are involved in neurotypical verbal communication. I'm not sure, because I don't remember - I didn't even realize I used to speak in a monotone - but it's quite possible that I figured out how to use intonation by matching my voice to the "sound" of my thoughts when reading out loud. However, this is just a possibility, not a certainty. Either way, I believe that might give people an idea of how the aural element of my thinking works.

This also means that when I'm writing, I tend to think in sentences and paragraphs, and sometimes my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts. It also means that there have been times when I've had a narration of my actions going on in the back of my mind. Not often, but sometimes. It's kind of weird. Usually any "narration" is involved in stories I'm working on, but there are times.... *shrugs*

Visual Thinking: I seem to have two different ways of thinking visually. The first usually occurs when I'm asked to spell out words - I have to close my eyes (unless I've spelled the word out frequently, like referring to bones when talking around the dog, or referring to certain things around children that they shouldn't know about yet, like surprise parties) and I tend to see the word roll out in front of my "mind's eye" as letters on a dark background. As far as I know, this never happens when I'm writing... just when I'm asked to spell words verbally. I think I may also do that when an unfamiliar word is mentioned - visualize what it sounds like in an effort to figure out what it means (see above re my learning Latin and German - I do love etymology) - but I'm not certain of that.

The second way involves seeing actual images in my "mind's eye". The images don't necessarily tend to be "complete"; the focus is very much on the important aspects of the image (which usually involves a story, and so focuses on the characters); and the colours all tend to be pale or faded, no matter how intense I know they actually are in "reality". It's hard to describe, because there aren't necessarily words for how it works, and I think that there's an element of my "conceptual thinking" (see next section) linked in there as well. In part because when I'm getting this kind of visual image, I also get a general "emotional" sense from the scene.

This visual thinking plays a part in my interest in 3D graphics. I sometimes get ideas for images that are a mix of aural description and visual imagery, and to get them out, 3D graphics seem to do the trick nicely.

Conceptual Thinking: Okay, this is a very complex element to the way I think, which is part of the reason it took me so long to get ready to do this post. A lot of factors are in play in this "thinking mode", and it's even harder to find words to describe it than with the visual thinking.

First of all, there is a kinesthetic (movement-oriented) element to it... but it's so wound up in the rest of the "conceptual" element that I can't isolate it as "this is a thinking mode of mine". (Unlike one of my best friends, who seems to have kinesthetic mode where I have visual mode, at least in terms of percentages.) The kinesthetic element is probably best illustrated by the way I build mental maps of locations. I don't get lost often (luckily, I don't have the problem with identifying places that some autistics do), and my ability to build mental maps plays a big part in this. But while I can translate paper / visual computer / written directions into my "mental map", none of that is how I perceive my mental maps. They're a mix of "this movement series takes you here, and here's an alternate movement series that can get you to the same place" - which is where the kinesthetic element comes in - and something that I've been grasping after words to describe ever since I figured this out. I still don't have them. The best I can come up with is the "idea" of location - which is part of why I named this mode "conceptual" thinking. It's more abstract ideas that don't necessarily correspond to sensory input.

This is also where my tendency to use metaphors and similes to relate concrete examples to abstract ones seems to belong, in terms of "modes". It's very much a linking of concepts, which is the other reason I decided to describe this mode as "conceptual". And as you can see from my percentage estimates, it's very much a large part of the way I think.

In fact, I have the feeling that this mode is how my subconscious works... and also most of my problem solving abilities. While talking to myself about problems (or writing about them) seems to shake those abilities into action, I don't seem to do the actual problem-solving through either aural or visual thinking modes. It's a lot more abstracted than that. Once I've got a solution, my brain tends to translate it into one of the other two modes... but during the working out process, neither words nor images can really capture what's going on.

And this is part of the problem with the way society expects people to be able to put things into words. There's even a saying I've heard of, which basically goes that if you can't explain a concept in your own words, you don't really understand it. What happens when someone doesn't have the words to explain it... because they don't think in either words, or something (like visual imagery) that can be easily (or somewhat easily) switched over to words? Things I understand in my "conceptual thinking mode", because they're so abstracted, can't be explained in words, not really. Not completely (see my example above regarding my mental maps concept). That's part of where my use of metaphors and similes comes in. I may grasp a concept / idea with my "conceptual thinking mode", but be unable to explain my understanding without resorting to metaphor. It's also a way I can use to translate the abstracts of my conceptual mode to visual or aural mode. (Which may be one reason why I literally fell in love with the idea of metaphors and similes as soon as we started learning about them. It gave me access to... well, translation software for the different modes of thinking in my brain!)

At any rate, that's pretty much as far as I can go regarding the description of my "conceptual thinking mode". I don't really know what else to say about it. *shrugs* Just... it is abstracted, and words don't work too well to describe it, but it's there, and it's part of the way I think.

My mind is in a continual of images, colors, numbers, words, and sounds that all connect like music. When people talk to me their emotions attached to the words swoon my mind, which can cause confusion because I tend to think literally. When they say the words, I feel them. The letters are not necessarily connected as words, they bounce and are colorful; smashing into one another creating the words. When the words appear I see the images and the definitions of the words manifest as if they were living creatures forming identity to explain to me what is being spoken -- it is overwhelming. 

My mind absorbs all the information around me, collects it, files it away for later -- everything is important and is a clue to understanding at some point. However, all of these things are wrapped up in patterns that I see as well. I think in a multiplex fashion, as my thoughts gather information it rapidly seeks the files filled with collected data. The numbers have colors, they flash at me in patterns. Shapes and letters dance and are flowing with color as well. Music is formed to the tunes of the patterns, letters, and numbers and as a mathematical equation, letters add or subtract themselves to create words that splash into another color(s) forming images. 

Conversations can take much out of me because of this. I am sure that this is also a result of having synesthesia since, all of my senses overlap and are intwined they form an interesting way of seeing and processing the world along with my Autistic mind. I believe that many of us have similar intensity with our sensory processing and the unique ways that our minds think. 

The patterns in my head allow me to connect past experiences to help me in the present. This sometimes makes me sound like a schizophrenic because I can go from one thought to another and the words I speak will make no sense. My thoughts are mostly unoriginal. I will see a flower and automatically describe it using a phrase from a book I read. The phrase have been stored into my mind and kept there until a useful one from something is needed to communicate efficiently. My though patters allow me to reach past and recognize what I need. I have always excelled in school because I would recognize the right answers and could memorize information easily, without doing much work. 

The ideas take place of pictures for me. If I hear the word "duck" I know it's a duck and the idea, not picture, of one appears. My ideas can also take the place of words. In order to think super quickly I jump from idea to another (pattern thinking) to get to where I need to go.

When I go into shutdown, the words from my mind disappear. If they are there I either can't speak them or they are repeating. For example, one time I had the words "Goldilocks and the three bears" repeat for hours. Eventually they evolved into the phrase "thrice three bears." 

If I happen to see pictures, they are borrowed. I have to look at a picture of a man to picture a man in my head. It will only last for a few seconds and he will be out of proportion. It's as if I can't control the pictures. I can, however, picture landscapes very well when I listen to music and look at the sun while closing my eyes. I can't see faces, at all. They only time when I picture things is to understand concepts and words I do not recognize. I will see the word spelled out or the concept will flash quickly and hazily in my mind. Sarcasm, slang, and idioms often do this if the picture doesn't make sense and I become confused. Unless, the saying is so often used, such as "cool," then I will not become confused. 

My mind is very hyper. There's always something going on in there. Either music playing, narrative thoughts writing out an imaginary novel, or patterns racing from connection to another.

I used to only think in conversations. Long infodump-y rants in the same manner as how I script for a real conversation. When I was small I used to talk out loud to myself, not even realizing I was doing it, but my brother teased that out of me.

I don't actually plan to say my thoughts out loud to the people I imagine I am telling them to, but their imaginary feedback helps me gather myself, and I redo the conversation over and over in my head until all the kinks are worked out and I am left with a coherent thought.

Since I got Tumblr I also think in blog posts in the same way. I imagine myself typing my thoughts up in a lengthy post, and sometimes I actually even do, but I seldom post them. 

It took me until this year (I'm 22) to realize that I just don't seem to process humor the way most people do. I finally had to realize that I simply don't understand and entire section of comedy.

I watched a review by the Nostalgia Critic where he asked why stupid things are funny and, closer to the end of the review, he said something like, "And maybe you didn't find a single one of the things I've shown you funny." That was me. I don't like what I call "stupid humor," which is generally a lot of the type of stuff I see on Family Guy or The Hangover; to me, someone doing something stupid isn't funny by itself, especially when it's staged. I find intellectual humor more funny. Dry, British comedies, wordplay, etc. If it's a joke a 7-year-old could've made, I don't find it funny.

I also have difficulty with certain statements referring to comedy. I've heard people say that explaining a joke ruins the joke. That's never been true for me because the joke's still funny; if I didn't understand it the first time, what's that got to do with it? And then there's the statement that comedy comes from suffering. I can't fathom that statement. I don't understand why people have to suffer for other people to laugh. I fundamentally can't understand what that even means because, to me, it sounds sadistic.

That sounds kind of weird, so let me explain; I don't think in emotional states, and I don't think in pictures, or words, or voices. I just think in feelings as a medium.

I feel when something is logically correct for example, it falls into place and I understand the pattern and anything illogical jars. With desires it is the same I feel a need for a particular taste or texture, and I will experience a less heightened version of said taste of texture in my head and in doing so can test if I want to actually experience IRL. 

My social memory is a collection of textures, tastes and visceral reactions like fear. 

My factual memory is a pattern recognition tool, I don't remember as such it just feels like muscle memory. Maths feels like playing ukulele, because it is the same process- just a different expression of pattern. Stage performance feels like drawing, it's just a different expression of pattern and I just do these things, they get written into my system like computer code and when I experience a certain output then they happen.  

When I remember images, I feel the colour response and sort those feelings into a coherent whole. With incidents there is just more to sort, like noise, or whatever. Photographic, but only photographic of my own particular, non filtered, confusing reality.

How I communicate with myself is ... less verbal, more like prodding or deafblind sign language. It is tactile, and taste and complex.

I can remember quotes, formulae, what have you with precision because they run like mantras and come automatically when needed. 

For example, when I was thinking of examples to use, the first concept that came up was a boy running. For me, that was a picture of a boy, and I can tell that he has short, dark brown hair, pale skin, and a red shirt, and his arms are swinging--but even though I saw the movement of his legs, it was sort of out of the corner of my mind's eye, and I didn't see what color pants he was wearing and am really only assuming he was wearing them at all, which maybe I shouldn't do--until I decided to think of an example of a detail I didn't notice, at which point the focus shifted and I could see his pants clearly and describe them--but then my vision was at an angle where I couldn't see his face, until I noticed that, because it was not longer important. If I deliberately stay on a concept, though, I get more details and more examples.  Basically, I only "see" whatever part of an idea I'm focusing on. Anything not relevant gets filtered out.