Quotes for the inevitable biopic

Working Title: I Can Explain (but it's funnier if I don't)

Directed by Richard Ayoade (hopefully. I feel like he could convey the weird)

Written by Thomas 'Tomska' Ridgewell (the deadpan humour of sketches like The Hole and Rejects is exactly what I want half the time), Henry Lewis, Henry Shields, Johnathan Sayer (the physical comedy in Mischief's shows is absolutely brilliant) and me (I lived it. Should probably have some input)

Dream Cast

Austin: Florence Pugh ('you have the same crying face') or Soirse Ronan (depending on scheduling)

Austin (Voice-over): Miranda Hart (I copy pasted my personality from her)

Austin's mum: Melissa Mccarthy/Kate Winslet (depends who's available, we love them both)

Austin's dad: Peter Capaldi (Same eyebrows but seems less of a dick. Would keep his Scottish accent but have a staring contest with the camera every time it's mentioned that he's from the north of Ireland.)

Austin's brother: Colin Morgan/Ben Barnes/Keanu Reeves/Henry Cavill/Collin O'Donoghue/Tom from SFTH/Yves Morris (literally any tall white man with dark hair. Preferably a different one in every scene/shot)

Austin's Sister-In-Law: Tilda Swinton (weird looking witchy woman)

Austin's other sibling: Kristen Stewart (gay and hates Twilight)

Austin's Grandma: Meryl Streep (she's just pretty cool. And we love Mama Mia)

Brian: Bill Nye

Austin's Grandad:

Elisabeth: Imelda Staunton

@lemonboiiievanthekelmpie : Brennan Lee Mulligan (from age 14)

@lemonboiiievanthekelmpie 's brother: The Lovely Carl (generic theatre pretty man)

@littleadult-sizedfox : James Acaster (from age 12)

Austin's friend (2017-2023): A cartoon crow (at the appropriate moment, they transform back into a human and like with Beauty and the Beast, everyone's a bit disappointed)

Austin's crush at ages 16 and 19: Cameron Chapman (I have a type, and it's twinks who need more sleep)

Jem: Natalia Dyer

Jem's Charlie:

Ty Tennant (my inevitable husband): David Tennant (in a badly bleached wig)

Soph the Director: Elliot Page (they look so identical I keep confusing their posts for each other it's a problem)

Ewan: Sabrina Carpenter on stilts to make her 6'4 (they share a birthday)

Becky: Anna Kendrick (small)

(N)ed: Harry Styles* (*I want to see if he can do a better English accent first) or Louis Davidson

Also featuring Waterparks but they're playing each other

Alternatively, Waterparks are played by The Apocalypse Players and The Apocalypse Players are played by Waterparks with @littleadult-sizedfox as Dominic Allen

Waterparks as Fell Out Boy, Fall Out Boy make a cameo in the audience. NEGATIVE 25 as Waterparks.

Us: *unsuccessfully attempting to play pattycake*

Dad: yeah, if I call them Alex and they look disappointed I know it's not him

Mum: do you have any friends called Alex?

Inclusive of the manspread and the ‘EGEUS …SHUT UP😑😑’

Instead I just have to settle for eventually getting to dye clothes with pee I guess :(

Ps I would be played by Natalia Dyer

That applies more often than it probably should.

I was wrong, they are three different guys,

At least one of which is white, and at least one of which is Asian.

LASF: If we cast Adam [their friend who is black, which is relevant], we'd have three people of colour in the show

I don't have an Irish-Language rap career to fall back on!