ι'м вulleтprooғ, noтнιng тo loѕe

Because this show is hysterical. Send me one to see how my muse reacts. Feel free to alter pronouns and the like.

Trigger Warnings: So many violence/death/suicide mentions, drug references, some NSFW references

“I always thought swimming was kinda like doing somebody. You dive in, flop around a bit, and you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal. And then I found out swimming isn’t like that at all.”

“If you die, I get fired. And I like this job. People don’t ask questions here.”

“Everyone step away from the brain!”

“Aren’t you that kid that started that doomsday cult?”

“Are you upset? …Oh, who am I kidding, you’re always upset.”

“Nah, man, we didn’t go to prison, we went to holding. There’s a biiiiiig difference…”

“You’re gonna need a new back door.”

“They said they won’t let me back into sewing club, because apparently when I threaten someone with sewing needs, it’s deemed ‘inappropriate’ and I ‘have to leave.’”

“BITCH, GET IN THE POOL!”

“You’re so cute when you never shut up.”

“I’m not the Team Mom!”

“I have a daughter, somewhere. Doesn’t mean anything.”

“Five star hotel. Royalty, bitches!”

“I choose the greatest sport of all time: Gay Chicken.”

“So I’m in the backseat crying, [name] says we’ve gotta return the panda to the zoo, and then the brakes go out! Luckily, I still made it in time for my Pilates class.”

“Okay, [name]. Time to kill yourself.”

“Not me this time. This time, it’s 100% goofy, contrived fate.”

“This doesn’t seem like the time for polka renditions of Ke$ha songs.”

“You’re like our mom! The Team Mom.”

“What’s up, sluts?! Guess who just got outta prison?”

“You can’t spell ‘sass’ without ‘ass,’ and you’re being one.”

“He’s so hot but so crazy! Which makes him even more hot!”

“That boy ain’t right.”

“Oh my God, is he dead?! Why did you put him in the car?!”

“I love you, but please… shut up.”

“[Name] forced me to wear this. Don’t say anything.”

“No. No, you’re dead. I killed you.”

“Now, if you excuse me, I have to go spray-paint Illuminati symbols on my ex-wife’s house. She thinks I don’t know she’s involved, but I know. THE WORLD MUST KNOW.”

“Aren’t you that kid that was drinking a can of Raid through a bendy straw?”

“Homeboy looks like Shark Week. I ain’t messing with that.”

“Boom. Done. Advice over. Let’s go get shitfaced.”

“I WANT THAT BOY TO BE MY BRIDE!”

“Is it weird for me to think he looks good in that swimsuit? I mean… really good. It’s totally not weird, right?”

“It feels like forever since you drowned [name] in the deep end and tried to burn down the swim club.”

“What did we say about voodoo? It’s only for cheap revenge and shrinking heads.”

“You say ‘you people’ like you’re not part of the family. Got some news for you: you’re already on the Christmas card.”

“Reports of my demise were, uh… greatly exaggerated.”

“Look, [name] is swimming his gay little heart for you.”

“[Name] tried to get me to vandalize a police station again. Can I get a ride home?”

“Good thing I wore my Heelies…”

“My parole officer says I need more extracurriculars.”

“Wonder if that stuff I hid is still here. …Nah, cops probably took it.”

“I think I hate him. Or love him. Whatever.”

“Hands are part of your arms! …This is why we don’t talk anymore.”

“Did you invite him to that weird nightclub where all the dancers are wearing gas masks?”

“This reminds me of prison!”

“You do exhibit rather… motherly behavior.”

“I know you can hear me down in Hell, you stupid jerk.”

“You’ll stay. Like it or not, you’re just like us.”

“They’re just too dumb to die.”

“We’re gonna go with dark magic today. We’ll call you if we need voodoo.”

“Yes, yes, we all demand blood.”

“Wait, I’m not done staring!”

“You still hang out in abandoned buildings?”

“I thought I was Zeus! …I WAS Zeus.”

“I can’t get you into the men’s locker room again.”

“[Name] and [name]?  Dead? Let me tell you something. Those two are literally impossible to kill. To prove a theory, I one time tried to just straight-up shoot ‘em with a real-ass gun. The bullet missed, ricocheted off a frying pan on the wall, and broke open a cabinet full of bottles, which I then tripped on and fell over. Hurt my pride more than anything…”

“[Name], I know you can’t read.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen that guy before. Cats go into his house, but… cats don’t come out of his house…”

“Back off, I called dibs like five years ago.”

“Bitch, you gonna be mine.”

“Look, I already visited the local church, mosque, synagogue, Satanic temple, Scientology center, Kingdom Hall, and I tweeted at Kanye. Just covering all the bases.”

“Didn’t we make a pact to stop her from doing this weeb shit?”

“I think that guard you killed had a family!”

“Why is your first suggestion always to break into [name]’s house?”

“Please call the police, because I look so good in this, it should be against the law. …Please don’t actually call the police, though, I WILL incriminate all of you.”

“You know what, this rescue mission doesn’t need your sass.”

“He’s probably in the shower, you know, washing the failure out.”

“One of you shot the [name] that can READ.”

“That was not a clown, that was my Juggalo friend. But your fear WAS warranted, he’s the one that set the pinata on fire.”

“It’s not just some simple task, like riding a bicycle, or cracking an egg, or committing premeditated murder.”

“This is getting ridiculous. We need a tutor or something.”

“Ten bucks says he dies.”

“Do not be alarmed. I am about to be hilarious.”

“You know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.”

“It may be hard to believe, but recently, I lost the ability to read.”

“I gotta go… not… talk to you to anymore.”

“Ohhhh… six-two, shark teeth, cries when you call him bitchbaby?”

“You took the fall for me, and I said ‘thank you.’”

“[Name], if I do die, there’s something I want you to do for me. I want a sweet-ass Viking funeral.”

“Your arrest record is extensive. And amateur.”

“I feel like you’re running out of solid shark references to call me.”

“Fuck it. Let’s do this.”

“You invited a party clown! I’m afraid of clowns!”

“I have to Tumblr this!”

“I thought this show was about drugs or something.”

“Oh, no… I got another flashback boner.”

“Let’s spend more nights in abandoned lighthouses.”

“YOU CAN’T CATCH ME, GAY THOUGHTS!”

“Metaphorical? More like metaHORRIBLE! …ZING!”

“Yeah, I know, inner turmoil, identity crisis, whatever.”

“Ha, your ass just got Looney Tune’d.”

“I was just rooting around in the garbage at this boy’s house, and I found this!”

“Let’s just skip all the fluff and get to the part where we’re shirtless.”

“Were you having a goldfish-drinking contest? Because my record is eleven before I barf.”

“[Name], go to my house, open the third desk drawer, and burn everything inside! But hold your breath while you do it!”

“Thanks for the life lesson, ‘Boy Meets World.’ How’s YOUR repressed love life doing?”

“Was macing us really necessary AFTER you remembered who we were?”

“[Name], find your chill, my dude.”

“We’re gonna be date–LATE.”

“There were 398 votes for you. THERE’S FIVE OF US.”

“Did [name] just fall down the stairs wearing stilts?”

“I had advice from a person who literally doesn’t know what they’re doing at any time of day.”

“If you’re here to do your unsettling demon voice, it is not appreciated at this moment.”

“‘And then Crowley handcuffed Dean to the chair, roughly straddling his–’ WHOA! Okay! Let’s just, uh… let’s put that one in the backpack for safekeeping.”

“Man, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Forty-five minutes ago is ‘way back’ for me.”

“I’m some stealing some chem equipment for some stuff, and I don’t want you small-time hoods messing that up.”

“You know what plausible deniability means, kid?”

“So anyway, I regain consciousness, there’s cops everywhere, [name]’s covered in blood, got an ice pick… heh-heh, it was kind of a weird Tuesday!”

“She’s a witch! Push her in the pool!”

“Look, dude, I don’t know what to tell you. I showed up late, you killed all these people, you started calling me ‘thrall,’ and all I know is that I’m missing pizza night for whatever this is.”

“Is this a regular flashback or a sexy flashback?”

“It wasn’t a dream! We got arrested for trespassing! WE WENT TO JAIL!”

“You have to worry about your safe-cracker, your ground control, your spotter, your bag man, your getaway – any of them could be farm-fresh, or worse… undercover.”

“How many guys you pair up on the way here?”

“A guy with emotional issues who swims away his problems? Lady, that’s the whole team. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“I’m just saying… is it illegal if I’m in my OWN pool?”

“I need a soda. Or therapy. Probably both.”

“We erected several statues of you, as requested, but, uh, people aren’t really worshiping them. They’re just sorta… taking selfies in front of them…”

“Look at that majestic-ass motherfucker. Like a dolphin or some shit. A dolphin with legs. And arms. And a jetpack.”

“Now get back to it before you learn a lesson in urban post-war torture practices!”

“I broke in again.”

“If you continue your attempts at flirting, I will be forced to take drastic measures.”

“I went to jail! I learned things. Terrible things…”

“[Name] said we were gonna get baked and watch ‘Game of Thrones.’ I wanna see some tits.”

“I spent six months in a correctional facility! I stabbed a girl in the yard!”

“Bitch, don’t even fucking think about it.”

“[Name] was up all last night, jerking it to real porn like a weirdo.”

“You put five marijuana cigarettes in your mouth and refused to answer to us unless we called you ‘King Kush.’”

“SUCK MY SHARK DICK.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shhhh! I smell boys being gay!”

“I see my reputation as a mastermind and entrepreneur precedes me.”

“Can’t prove nothing if they’re all dead.”

“I spent hours of research and studying. Minus that hour I had to spend calming down [name] after we watched The Notebook.”

“Come on, you can do me! It! It. You can do IT.”

“If I get out of this chair, I guarantee you’ll end up in one with wheels.”

“You guys ever wonder if we’ll meet someone normal?”

“We solved the curse of the island, and realized that the real ax-murderer was love all along.”

“I AM A GOD AMONG MEN! AND FISH! AND WATER-BASED MAMMALS!”

“Excuse me, I am trying to scream my feelings into your mouth.”

“Now we owe [name] a favor. That is NOT a position you want to be in.”

“That wasn’t hot. It was just fucking weird.”

“[Name]’s faster than she looks. And she tore through that chain fence like it was tinfoil!”

“This is it. This is the year I get my penis back from that dolphin who stole it.”

“So there’s me and [name], doing 80 in a 35, he goes right through the police blockade, I tell him to stop, he tells me there was something in the trunk… it was pretty much the best birthday ever.”

“I take boxing lessons at the Y. It started because K-pop concert security is tougher than it looks, but I just got hooked on the feeling of crushing someone’s face in with a solid right cross.”

“The election didn’t even matter that much; you cheated anyway.”

“I learned to swim the old-fashioned way. When I was five, my dad took me out to a lake and tossed me right out into the water. Making it to shore was easy. Getting out of the sack was hard, though…”

“Come on, [name], I put a LOT of money on you. Possibly against my better judgement.”

“I feel like I should argue this, but the potential for implied sexual antics is far too appealing.”

“That’s how they do it in Australia. And prison.”

“We’re all here ‘cause we’re not welcome anywhere else.”

“My baby can take it and dish it out! I am so turned on right now, I’m about half-mast.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. We were officially engaged in the fall. I’m thinking a spring wedding.”

“[Name], why are you getting naked?”

“Then you just take out your trusty lockpick, and you’re in!”

“Is there more to life than obsessing over two boys kissing?”

“This place just keeps getting dumber…”

“[Name], I love you, but you’re dumb as hell.”

“I’m not arrogant. I’m just that good.”

“I’m not taking care of your raccoon again!”

“I have to go scream confusing, end of the world ramblings at people under the freeway.”

“I’ll be on it like [name] on a centerfold spread.”

“Whatever. I did my time.”

“Still doing that weird demon thing to him?”

“Bed? But what about possible ax-murderers?”

“No! Stop! Don’t play the intro over me, that’s rude!”

“I’d do anything to you, [name]. FOR you!”

“Shut up, you’re high as balls!”

“Here I thought [name] was the craziest person you knew.”

“Just jerk it to hentai like a normal person.”

“I’ve got mace! The good shit, the kind they use on bears!”

“Did my sister send you here in an attempt to get us to emotionally reconnect?”

“You know how they say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones?’ Yeah, that’s not just a phrase…”

“Does anyone wanna hear my tragic backstory?”

“…You broke out, didn’t you?”

“I had a dream like this, once. You surprisingly had more clothes on, though, at least at the start.”

“Alright, so I didn’t wanna have to do this right at the start, but I represent a certain mutual acquaintance. One [name].”

“Hey, we try not to get this part of the gym wet, so whatever you’re doing is gonna have to stop.”

“You can’t have sex with your neighbor’s above-ground backyard pool.”

“Bodies… so hot. Brains… so dumb.”

“Well, piss in my asshole, I’m out like fifteen hundred bucks…”

“Aren’t you that guy that drowned a kid? And burned down that building? And sells Whip-Its under the bleachers?”

“Let me help you out of that swimsuit–POOL! The… the pool.”

“I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me how to swim. Or how to fuck Dean Winchester.”

“[Name]? Are you home? It’s me, [name]. …Okay, I’m gonna break in!”

“Only God to judge.”

“We’ve been banned from every pool in the area.”

“He’s delicate. Like a flower. Or a snitch’s collarbone.”

“So [name] pulls out a gun and decides to hold up the liquor store. He tells me to restrain the clerk, the clerk pulls out a gun and we’ve got a Mexican standoff! But anyway, how was your summer break?”

“Oh, no. He’s hot when he’s sad.”

“How many bodies you think would fit in here? I’m gonna say ‘a lot.’ Looks like a lot.”

“[Name], if I do die, there’s something I need you to do for me… bury me with my swimsuits.”

“Some stuff happened. I don’t want to talk about it. Shut up!”

“Yeah, sure, don’t listen to craaazy old [name], because that one time he stole a Zamboni and joyrode it around town and tried to take it through a McDonald’s drive through, and then they wouldn’t serve him, so he drove it into the front of the McDonald’s, and they called the cops and then there was a Mexican standoff!

“We went white-water rafting, and he pushed me right out! I hit so many rocks…”

“I bought stilts.”

“ALL HAIL THE DECISION CUBE!”

“Maybe next time, don’t get disqualified by throwing GRENADES AT THE OTHER SWIMMERS.”

“Don’t patronize me! I’m not [name]!”

“Why do we even care about losing? We’ve never cared about that kind of stuff.”

“You’re all probably getting nervous, and that’s normal. You really don’t stand a chance here, so I really can’t blame you.”