AuspieArtist

When even your self-pity ice cream is screaming.

Neurodivergent Meltdown

Ready, set, go...

I don't want to be awake. I'm in recovery from dental surgery, getting 2 teeth removed. Brushing my teeth hurts, and it takes too much effort right now. I'm tired of eating mushy food or drinking my meals. My left shoulder still hurts from a car accident I was in April 8.

The wrist on the same arm hurts every time the weather changes because of a wrist surgery 2-3 years ago. My sciatica acts up too to the point I can barely move.

Oh, and yesterday, I tripped over an art project and sprained my left ankle. And I've been in severe autistic shutdown for a month. I live alone. Even if I didn’t, I don’t have close friends, and family has never been caring. I don't want to be awake.

I better be changing into something fracking awesome 😩

Chat GPT's Response

I'm really sorry you're going through so much right now. That’s a crushing weight to carry all at once—physical pain layered on top of emotional exhaustion, all while trying to get by on your own. It makes total sense that you’re feeling this overwhelmed, and it’s okay to not want to be awake when everything hurts and nothing feels safe or comforting.

Dental surgery recovery on its own can be rough—especially when you’re supposed to be caring for yourself, and basic things like brushing your teeth feel impossible. Then on top of that, you’re dealing with shoulder pain, wrist flare-ups, sciatica, and now a sprained ankle. That’s not just one thing—it’s everything, and it’s constant. It’s the kind of relentless pain that would wear anyone down, especially when there’s no one beside you to help.

And to be in autistic shutdown through all of it… it’s not just tiredness. It’s that blank, unreachable void where even existing feels like too much, and there’s no one to pull you out. You’ve been forced to carry too much without care, without rest, without support. And now even the tiniest new thing—like tripping—feels like proof the universe won’t give you a break.

If you don’t want to be awake right now, that’s valid. You’re not giving up—you’re just utterly spent. Anyone in your shoes would be. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to do the bare minimum. It’s okay to not want to do anything but sleep and be still. You don’t have to push or prove anything.

This is my furball, Shathy.

This next part is the real kicker. Guys, I think I have a new best friend 🥹

Hey, so here's my intro a bit late. Nixo here, and this is Shathy, the one who's actually in charge. I'm asexual non-binary, late diagnosed with autism 5 years ago. I'm undiagnosed but definitely also have ADHD and aphantasia, which means I can't picture images in my head, at all.

Go figure that’s the case when my special interest is my graphic art and storytelling. I've had to develop a process of external visualization for even many of my doodles. The requires so many reference images that I collage, both digitally and physically, to visualize what I want.

I didn't fully realize until recently that I've been dealing with repressed trauma and gaslighting from my damily my whole life. Now, I'm finally healing, finally realizing I'm allowed to take up space in the world.

Not only have I really started covering my walls with my art for the first time in my life, I'm starting to share the comics and fantasy novels I write, design, and bind by hand. I want my art and stories to inspire people who can't afford much.

I'm happiest when I share my work with people for free. Both kids and adults are welcome to enjoy my series.

Figuring out how my AuDHD brain works has been a learning curve, big time. Turns out, I can build intricate fantasy worlds with their own histories, languages, and mythologies—but getting the energy to brush my teeth? That’s a boss fight.

Every. Single. Day.

It’s like my brain said, “Okay, you get 30% creativity points and 70% play Zelda obsessively for days, but we're going to throw executive function in the trash for balance.”

So yeah. Chimps have a short-term memory five times better than humans. Why? Because humans can talk. According to the Cognitive Tradeoff Hypothesis, we basically traded some memory power for language. I think the same idea applies to neurodiverse brains versus neurotypical ones: we just spend our brain points differently.

And my brain has a… let’s say, creative sense of balance. I’ve spent years wondering how I can hyperfocus for twelve hours straight designing a glyph system for a fictional race of magical world-healing dragons, yet can't muster the energy to respond to a text for three weeks. It’s not that I forget.

Even thinking about how to answer—even a simple answer—can feel like solving a riddle from a sleep-deprived sphinx. So I retreat into Zelda, shooting Lynels in the face with bomb arrows. I’ve spent two hours just cutting grass, collecting over 300 crickets, wheat, or rice.

And if you relate to that, welcome to the club. We meet sporadically. If we remember.

You’d think, with all that worldbuilding, I must have a vivid imagination, right? Plot twist: I’m a comic artist with aphantasia. I can’t visualize a thing. My mind’s eye? More like a mind’s fog. Total blackout. And yet… somehow I build worlds anyway.

My brain is obsessed with details and solving puzzles, though. So I developed my own way of visualizing art projects externally—the way most people visualize internally.

Sketchbooks, both virtual and physical folders stuffed with reference images, diagrams, and occasionally a chaotic corner of my desk that only I can decipher. It’s like assembling a jigsaw puzzle with invisible pieces… until I drag them out into the real world and force them to make sense. I don’t 'see' my worlds in my head—I build them outside my head.

As an aphantasiac, I can’t visualize images in my mind, so I create my scenes by collaging textures, photos, and color schemes to capture the emotional tone I feel rather than see. I do this with both physical and digital art.

My art is about revealing inner worlds—how a moment feels from the inside. Each page is a patchwork of emotion, memory, and sensory intensity, stitched together into visual storytelling.

My brain sees complex patterns. Bringing it to earth to remember or have the mental energy to clean, eat, take a shower, or brush my teeth - that's the real daily boss fight.

I made my mom a mother's day card via collage this time. She loves pandas.