Utah ā„ļø you arenāt Arizona but you are pretty.
Iāve come to understand something this trip. Well a few things actually.
* My brothers make stunning children. Kudos to my SIL (sister in laws) as well because... half of that if not more is really them
*Our family dynamic sure has changed in the last decade - heck...5 years. Itās sad. Itās remarkable. Itās somber. It makes me proud. It makes melancholy. There was a point when my brothers lived at home before Burkās mission and Cody went to Utah. I miss that time. We were all close. I felt like we had found our sweet spot as siblings. Then when Burk moved to Utah after his mission, we adjusted and that was another nice moment. Of course we had distance but, we were still tight. Then marriages, new family, kids and well...you know. I miss my brothers. I miss them at home. I miss the close relationship they had with mom, dad, granny, papa and many others. They have their own lives. They have...they have more. We donāt have more or less, we just have the same. The before. And itās different.
* One of my SILs asked me if Iāve started dating at all. I didnāt have the heart to tell her - not that I should really or have to, about the whole Stephen story. Mostly because it involves her home that I didnāt respect. I just said I didnāt have anything to choose from really. It wasnāt on my priority list. Anything about relationships makes me have minor panic attacks and sleeping in her basement this trip...I had nightmares thinking back to the Christmas 2 years ago that I screwed up.
*Things will always be different. Always. The boys will never come home for the holidays. I would put money on that. We will never be all together again. No more memories made. Aunt Tara will never come to Tucson again. We will never see her family. It makes me incredibly sad and I wish I could change it all.
* Maybe this is harsh but, I donāt dare leave home. I wonāt leave mom alone with dad. Itās slowly becoming a Grandma and Grandpa situation and maybe Iām Jeff in this equation but...Iāve tried being on my own and it fails horribly. College, shows, dating...Iām a librarian/teacher forever. Itās fact. I could do more but Iām 33 years old. How can I do anything now? I wasted my 20ās. Itās fine.
*There are many owners that are closing their businesses because they feel like they are aging out. Iām way passed my time to do so. I foolishly think Iām still āyoungā looking. Hilarious. Iām contemplating selling a lot of costumes and moving on. Definitely the more ethnic characters
* Iām unhappy. Restless. People who talk to me are like āoh, youāre youngā or āyou have time left...heās out there.ā Bull. In our church culture, no man would want me now. Iām damaged. Iām used goods. Iām the worst kind of sinner. I broke one of the 10 big commandments and I have yet to feel peace, comfort or guidance. No matter what I do, I feel like Iām not worthy of forgiveness. I slept with every man I roped in with full knowledge that what I was doing was wrong. In fact...during the act I would stop, feel like shit and see the longing in my partners eyes and feel like I didnāt have a choice no matter what I felt. I always thought I would say no...and instead, the truth is that I was the aggressive instigator. I wanted control because of the time I had none. It doesnāt make sense. I feel like the part of me that knew right from wrong just left. Because of the first time being full of trauma, I had to have the power so that I wouldnāt have that happen again - the feeling of powerlessness. None of it makes sense. People have sex all the time, with many people and they donāt feel this guilt, shame, stress and despair.
As I held Burkās daughter, I could only transmit one thought to that beautiful being silently through my eyes: DO NOT BE YOUR AUNT. Please stay beautiful and unspotted from the world. Be better, do better, think better. You are the future and I donāt know what I would do if this experience became yours.