The Wall Scrawlings of a Crazy Person

1.

So, there's this girl (I know, transbian flag pfp, confession about a girl, insert "water is wet" meme). Anyways, there's a girl, who I met in 3rd grade. I befriended her because she'd was new to the school (plus also not white), so she didn't have friends and didn't fit in. I knew the feeling, having moved from the South to the Northeast a couple years prior. We were fast friends, along with another friend of mine, who I met a little earlier under similar circumstances (but that's a story for another day). To this day, I consider them both my two and only best friends.

Over the course of elementary and middle school, all the boys in my friend group ended up having a crush on her. I never really did, or at least didn't think I did. The thing is, this was all pre-transition, and I still didn't really feel much attraction towards anyone.

Then, freshman year. I've socially transitioned and am now firmly in the lesbian camp. And two things happen pertaining to this girl. One, she gets into a situationship with one of the boys in the friend group. Two, I start suspecting she's bi due to my impeccable gaydar (I ended up being right).

In retrospect I am realizing that by now, I was very much crushing on her. Previous retrospectives on this made me believe that it was alterous attraction (there's a good Tumblr post on that, but I don't feel like finding it). But now I'm starting to realize I might’ve just been in the deepest pits of denial.

See, as I've mentioned, everyone in the friend group had a crush on her at some point, including my other best friend. For that reason, I never even considered her an option (even when that would've been straight, pre-transistion, or post transistion when I suspected she was bi). That, and I felt like since all the boys had had a crush on her, me having had one would tie me to being a boy, which is ofc stupid.

Through a convoluted series of events, me, another of our friends all decided to do this fake flirting/banter thing (idk, teens do weird shit ig). She was doing it cuz she wanted to make situationship jealous and finally actually start a relationship. I was doing it 1) to make situationship jealous because I didn't want them together (whether for my sake or my best friends, or just cuz I didn't think he was good for her), and 2) in some strange attempt to prove (to whom idk) that I didn't have a crush on her.

At the end of that year she had to move to another state, and we fell outta contact, with me having successfully gaslit myself into thinking I didn't have feelings for her. But, around the end of my our senior year (which was summer of this year, 2025) we started talking again.

By that point she was already in an ldr with my other bestie (so, mission accomplished, ig?). However, she'd become a lot more confident and had taken up flirting playfully with girls (as I've been told is common with straight girls. She still thought she was straight). So, not even fully intentionally, she starts doing that with me. And I go along with it cuz idk, why tf not? But I quickly realized that, oh no, maybe I actually feel more strongly than I thought. But again, successful gaslighting about alterous attraction, yada yada.

But now, finally, I'm realizing, no, I do, in fact, have feelings for her. But it's too late. And it's my own fault. And she's in a happy relationship and I want to be happy for her. But I kinda wish I'd said something back in high school. If not to have had a relationship, then to at least know for sure, all else being equal, she'd have chosen him over me. Which is an almost certainty. Not just cuz she is in a relationship with him, but given my romantic track record of seemingly being completely unwanted, I know this wouldn’t’ve been any different.

And of course, what it took for me to realize was to get into my own situationship(?) and then get broken up(?) with because their aunt died and when I tried to offer support they pushed me away, being burnt out from work and college, and dealing with the absolute state of the world, all of which put me in a depressive spiral of self-loathing, and in the middle of one of my shifts in which I have a lot of time alone doing menial tasks to think, I'm going over all the times I've messed things up or people have been chosen over me and then, finally it hit me.

I'm possibly the most useless lesbian in existence.

So, there's this girl (I know, transbian flag pfp, confession about a girl, insert "water is wet" meme). Anyways, there's a girl, who I met in 3rd grade. I befriended her because she'd was new to the school (plus also not white), so she didn't have friends and didn't fit in. I knew the feeling, having moved from the South to the Northeast a couple years prior. We were fast friends, along with another friend of mine, who I met a little earlier under similar circumstances (but that's a story for another day). To this day, I consider them both my two and only best friends.

Over the course of elementary and middle school, all the boys in my friend group ended up having a crush on her. I never really did, or at least didn't think I did. The thing is, this was all pre-transition, and I still didn't really feel much attraction towards anyone.

Then, freshman year. I've socially transitioned and am now firmly in the lesbian camp. And two things happen pertaining to this girl. One, she gets into a situationship with one of the boys in the friend group. Two, I start suspecting she's bi due to my impeccable gaydar (I ended up being right).

In retrospect I am realizing that by now, I was very much crushing on her. Previous retrospectives on this made me believe that it was alterous attraction (there's a good Tumblr post on that, but I don't feel like finding it). But now I'm starting to realize I might’ve just been in the deepest pits of denial.

See, as I've mentioned, everyone in the friend group had a crush on her at some point, including my other best friend. For that reason, I never even considered her an option (even when that would've been straight, pre-transistion, or post transistion when I suspected she was bi). That, and I felt like since all the boys had had a crush on her, me having had one would tie me to being a boy, which is ofc stupid.

Through a convoluted series of events, me, another of our friends all decided to do this fake flirting/banter thing (idk, teens do weird shit ig). She was doing it cuz she wanted to make situationship jealous and finally actually start a relationship. I was doing it 1) to make situationship jealous because I didn't want them together (whether for my sake or my best friends, or just cuz I didn't think he was good for her), and 2) in some strange attempt to prove (to whom idk) that I didn't have a crush on her.

At the end of that year she had to move to another state, and we fell outta contact, with me having successfully gaslit myself into thinking I didn't have feelings for her. But, around the end of my our senior year (which was summer of this year, 2025) we started talking again.

By that point she was already in an ldr with my other bestie (so, mission accomplished, ig?). However, she'd become a lot more confident and had taken up flirting playfully with girls (as I've been told is common with straight girls. She still thought she was straight). So, not even fully intentionally, she starts doing that with me. And I go along with it cuz idk, why tf not? But I quickly realized that, oh no, maybe I actually feel more strongly than I thought. But again, successful gaslighting about alterous attraction, yada yada.

But now, finally, I'm realizing, no, I do, in fact, have feelings for her. But it's too late. And it's my own fault. And she's in a happy relationship and I want to be happy for her. But I kinda wish I'd said something back in high school. If not to have had a relationship, then to at least know for sure, all else being equal, she'd have chosen him over me. Which is an almost certainty. Not just cuz she is in a relationship with him, but given my romantic track record of seemingly being completely unwanted, I know this wouldn’t’ve been any different.

And of course, what it took for me to realize was to get into my own situationship(?) and then get broken up(?) with because their aunt died and when I tried to offer support they pushed me away, being burnt out from work and college, and dealing with the absolute state of the world, all of which put me in a depressive spiral of self-loathing, and in the middle of one of my shifts in which I have a lot of time alone doing menial tasks to think, I'm going over all the times I've messed things up or people have been chosen over me and then, finally it hit me.

I'm possibly the most useless lesbian in existence.

(Starting pre-romance to set the stage)

Developing anxious attachment due to unstable parents

Developing a fear of abandonment by being repeatedly abandoned by so called friends

Being the emotional pack mule for friends who shamed me for msny of my attributes

Having a repressed crush on my best friend who was the only consistent source of care in my life

Feeling no attraction due to depression and dysphoria

Crush on a straight girl who a friend ended up dating

Minor infatuation with some girls

Lead on

Lead on again

Situationship

Situationship again

Crushes on two straight girls and infatuation with a lesbian who is so not into me

All the while holding this pain in due to being conditioned into never sharing my hurt

And feeling guilt for having desire (espeicslly unreciprocated) because of religous traume

And feeling bad because "love isn't necessary" and "I'm not owed love" and "I'm not healed" but it's hard to heal alone when no one breaks the pattern

And I just feel so unlovable by now