sincerity is scary

ivy: i've stopped selling.

ellie: tf?? i know

ellie: but like where is this coming from

     this was what he’d wanted, right? it’s what he’d been waiting for, gus to kiss him, to distract him from his real purpose for being here and let it convince him it was a dumb idea. dumb not because there’s anything stupid about it, but because it seems like a next to impossible feat. this isn’t some arbitrary boy he’d found at a club and taken a liking to. it’s gus. it’s the boy who’d been seventeen-year-old niko’s celebrity crush in high school, and who in the three years since finally meeting him has grown roots in niko’s heart. he’s a safe place, a constant, if an unstable one. it’s intuition that tells niko he’ll be disrupting that dynamic by removing the physicality from their relationship. take out the sex, and what’s left but a tangled mess of emotion? he and gus have never been good at dealing with anything verbally. at the same time, he knows with certainty that he can’t continue this way much longer–pining after gus and forever hoping that one day he’ll decide he wants more was bound to get old eventually. it’s that thought which gives niko the incredible strength to pull back from the kiss after only a moment or two of returning it, and he even stands up from the bed in a sudden, panicky movement.

     “i’m sorry,” he hears himself say, arms folding defensively across his chest. it’s an enormous effort of will to lift his gaze from the floor to gus’s face. “i shouldn’t have–” he breaks off, swallowing audibly. and then, finally, he forces the words out: “i don’t think we should do this anymore.” they sound so harsh out loud, so alien. the last thing in the world he wants is to deprive himself of this outlet, but of course he’s banking on gus folding. “that’s what i…what i wanted to talk to you about. i think we should stop sleeping together.” heart pounding, he continues in a small voice, “i wanna try and have an actual relationship with someone. i’ll never do that if i don’t get over this fangirl infatuation with you and i can’t do that if we’re fucking every other day. so.” he gives a small, helpless shrug. fangirl infatuation is a blatant lie–the infatuation had given way to very real feelings more than a year ago, but niko’s not about to say that out loud. not unless gus says it first. “i think we should…try to do friends. just friends. it’d be good for both of us.”

it started out like any other night. gus initiating the kiss which would always lead to sex. one way or another they always ended up in a tangled pile of limbs. it was a comfort knowing that something in his life was constant; niko, as annoying and bratty as he was, was someone he could count on. so when the boy pulls away in a hurry, gus is left confused and dazed. he blinks a few times, slowly rising from where he was hovering over niko. “i- are you alright? did i bite your lip too hard?” he asked, voice soft and teasing. he knew that he got a little too excited sometimes. however, eyebrows raised in worry as he looked up at niko who was now standing pretty far away. he never stood that far unless he was angry or upset. he racked his brain as to why niko would feel that way, he came up empty. 

“no, i’m sorry-” gus interrupted, though he didn’t know why he was apologizing, he assumed it was his fault. everything was. niko’s words hit on deaf ears. i don’t think we should do this anymore. the words don’t make sense, not when they were coming out of niko’s mouth. “what do you mean, love?” gus asks, cautiously. he sounds afraid. for such a brilliant mind, gus has trouble finding meaning to niko’s thoughts. “stop...sleeping together.” it seems to hit him like a pound of bricks. his blood boils, his chest aches. suddenly the thought of niko not around him anymore sends him into a panic. if they weren’t sleeping together, did that mean niko just was walking out of his life. “wait-” he says, eyes moving frantically around niko’s face. “what did i do?” there must be a reason for this. gus figures he must have hurt niko one too many times. maybe he took advantage of niko and he was tired of it. “i’m sorry,” he says again, hoping that would help. as the other continues, gus settles down. “oh,” he responds, eyes falling to his lap. “yeah...no yeah that makes sense.” gus clears his throat. why can he hear his pulse in his ears? 

the air in the room shifted and gus reached for the hoodie that was hanging on the foot of his bed. he pulled the fabric over his head and tightened the hood. good for both of them? did niko know him at all? “uh sure,” he mutters. “if that’s what you want.” 

“oh, do you? well, i’ve got a million other insults for you, douchebag.” she replies, doing her best to remain stoic towards him. she clenches her jaw. by now, she knows he’s just saying whatever he can to get under her skin. how tragic, it works every time. “and why is that?” she scoffs. “trust me, i won’t be expecting anything short of disappointment from you from now on.” gen crosses her arms as he brushes the hair out of her face. “remind me why i haven’t just kicked you out, again?” 

“i’d love to hear them, sweetheart. give them to me,” he murmurs, his voice coming out as a soft purr. he knows that he gets under her skin and that’s the way he likes it. gus shrugs his shoulders. “i just think you should ruffle your feathers sometimes, dove.” he nods his head and smirks. “because you like my dick and my accent.” gus chuckles and presses their lips together. “i love it when you’re pouty.”

ellie: you shouldn't have locked me in a closet

ellie: it was a very dramatic reaction and perfectly proves my point.

ellie: when we were younger u locked me in a closet for like an hour cause i stole the last piece of ur candy

     the moment gus gets close enough that niko can feel the heat of his leg pressing against his own, he tenses up. it’s what he should have expected, going into it this way; as far as gus knows, nothing’s any different. looking at him now–his beautiful, familiar face, so relaxed for the moment having come down from a manic episode–a deep, aching sadness flares to life in niko’s chest. the world has so many opinions about him, all based on his lyrics, on the way he dresses, the way he speaks and carries himself, his sometimes vulgar honesty about his destructive lifestyle…but they don’t really know him. they don’t know–the way niko does–that there’s an extraordinarily soft and vulnerable person beneath that carefully-crafted exterior. they’ve never seen him standing on his balcony with wet cheeks and dead eyes, looking like he can’t remember anymore why he’s still here. they’ve never seen him gritting his teeth and punching a wall because he knows he shouldn’t pick up the needle, but the addiction center of his brain won’t let him give it up. niko has seen that, and plenty more. and that’s what he sees right now when he looks at him: a boy plagued by demons who’s found a moment of peace in his otherwise unstable life, completely ignorant to the fact that niko’s about to rip the rug out from under him. it even occurs to him for a moment to forget the whole thing, to pass it off as a terrible, dangerous idea and proceed as normal. he knows he can’t, though–he’s reached some undefinable emotional limit, a point where something has to give, one way or another. and while a part of him thinks he’s ready for it, an even deeper part is all too aware he’s playing a game. being selfish. he’s testing gus, clinging to the hope that he isn’t alone in his feelings and that by doing what he’s about to do, it’ll somehow push gus into admitting it. it’s stupid–he knows it’s stupid–but he needs to do it. something has to give.

“yes,” he answers gus stiltedly, hyperaware of their legs touching still and struggling to figure out what to do about it. what he should do is stand up, move away, get to the fucking point and spit it out. the longer he lets it drag on, the worse it’s going to be, but he can’t get the words out. his throat feels tight, his chest even tighter. “i had a good time.” watching fixedly as gus sticks a cigarette in his mouth and lights it, he adds, “i’m glad you did, too.” he licks his lips without realizing he’s done so, eyes still stuck on gus’s face. his comment–i’m mad at the world, don’t feel special–hurts only because niko knows it isn’t true. gus was mad at him, but he’s also clearly not going to say why. niko puts on a little smile and shrugs. “don’t worry,” he says softly, “i wouldn’t dream of feeling special.” there’s a brief silence, and he knows he should do it now. like a band-aid. but he can’t, and he realizes suddenly that he’s waiting for gus to do something. to touch him, kiss him, something, anything that will allow him to continue stalling. “you’re really not gonna tell me, huh?”

gus felt rather relieved that niko had come over in the first place.  for a brief moment of panic, gus believed that niko wouldn’t see him after the party. after all, the blonde seemed content enough to dance on other guys. gus wasn’t too jealous, of course, it was part of their game. the classic game of cat and mouse and in the end, the cat always won. he sits besides niko, placing a hand on the other boy’s knee. it’s not a possessive gesture, but rather one of comfort. it’s familiar to him, it’s warm. though it did throw him a little off that niko was wearing pants. never mind, he could get niko out of anything. as much as gus didn’t want to admit it, niko knew more about him than probably anyone else in the world. when he said it like that, it sounded mushy and far too romantic than what the situation called for. he only meant that niko had seen him at the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. he knew he took advantage of niko’s fondness towards him, but he couldn’t help it. it felt nice not to be some damaged, freak of nature for once. gus didn’t open himself up to a lot of people but it didn’t always feel bad when he spoke to niko. 

blue eyes focused on the blonde’s face, running over features that he remembered so many years ago. he could paint niko with his eyes closed. maybe he will if he was feeling particularly nice one evening. “i saw you dancing. did you see me?” of course he did. it was nearly impossible to miss the way gus was eye-fucking him from across the room. he smiles, shrugging his shoulders and blowing out a puff of smoke. “i always like a good party,” he comments, putting his cigarette out on the ashtray besides his bed. gus returns his gaze to niko. his hand comes up to rest on the boy’s neck for a moment before moving up to cradle his jaw. gus feels like he should say something but he doesn’t. sometimes no words was better than making up some nonsense. “tell you what?” gus murmured, voice low as he stared at niko. after another moment, he pulls niko towards him and kisses him softly, tongue easily finding it’s home between niko’s lips. 

ellie: please tell me you're joking....

ellie: u are one of the most dramatic ppl ever

ellie: only when its justified

ellie: which it is in this situation

ellie: okay so what you're NOT gonna do is be rude

ellie: you should know by now i don't just get over things

ellie: i have to be wildly dramatic about it first

gus: whatever

after a day at the studio max had shown up at gus’s apartment, she had dragged him out to go get ice cream with her. max had a mischievous look in her eye as she looked into his eyes. she started to think how beautiful his eyes were.. she stood up from the steps of gus’s apartment. it was still a pretty summer day in new york, the sun was setting.  she had brought her skateboard with her when she had stopped by his place. “i’m gonna teach you how to skateboard.” she stated with a smirk on her face. it was cheesy but who cares? it was fun

@augustuspierce

gus was pleasantly surprised by max’s visit. it was nice to get out of his apartment instead of sitting inside all day, sulking. he closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun on his skin. at her words, he opened one eye and frowned. “no you’re not. i don’t trust you at all.” 

if she didn’t enjoy his accent so much, perhaps she wouldn’t have let him carry on speaking. “well, every time you just get more and more embarrassing.” she remarks. one could say genesis was with gus because her life was an utter bore at the moment. he added some much-needed drama. genesis rolls her eyes, glaring back at him. “you’re right. how could iearnestly expect you to be more than just a waste of space?”  averting her gaze as her gets closer to her. “god, i really hate you. “

gus continued walking towards her like a predator watching his prey. “i love it when you insult me,” he murmurs, tilting his head to the side. “maybe i just want the whole world to see you freak out.” he grinned, shrugged his shoulders. genesis sure was fun to mess with. augustus nodded his head. “you should really know better than that- to expect things from me.” gus brushes some of her hair out of her face, softly. “i hate you, too.” 

ellie: exactly ?? i'm traumatized