Augsiliary Autist

It doesn't really matter how much I logically understand about weight and health, I still feel constantly physically uncomfortable in how it feels in a fat body. I hate the folds of skin touching, my thighs always chafing, my breasts hanging and touching my belly, the feeling of my skin stretched across my stomach. I hate the sweat. I am constantly sickened by how that FEELS. I can look at myself and be compassionate but the next minute I will move in some way and once again feel ill by the mere sensation of it. I hate that it's like this. I'm not sickened by fatness, I'm not sickened by fat people. I'm not gonna lie I definitely do judge myself for my sedentary habits, for my poor diet. I admire fat people who talk about exercise and healthy food, but that just isn't me. The fact is that the work required to get into good habits after years of survival mode isn't something that I can just snap my fingers and make happen. Being autistic has a big impact on my ability to both exercise and eat, not to mention just simply hating exercise and cooking. I also know that the only reason I am even judging myself for a bad diet and no exercise is because I got fat. People can have poor diets and not exercise and not get fat. I've had weight fluctuations before. None of them were deliberate choices. I didn't choose this. I just have to live here now. And I wish I were okay with it but I'm just fucking not and it makes me feel like I'm betraying myself to feel so disgusted by inhabiting my own flesh vessel. I need to know how to love myself when the sensations of my body make my skin crawl.

It tickles me when people pronounce the l in folks. It's adorable. Keep doing it.

Fucking hell depression is so BORING. I've been dealing with this for a majority of my life, like I KNOW it won't last forever, but the way time distorts into this seemingly endless span of blaaaaahhhhhhhh is so fucking annoying UGH.

Ah yes deep diving into other people's trauma in order to not deal with my own, very healthy 😑

It happened again. I know it's not good but it works. Fuck.