The Secret Garden in my Mind

Prompt: New Beginnings (for @elriel-month 2024)

Tags: fluff, angst, hurt/comfort

Gifted to: @sirenarts

This is my first fanfic ever so I hope you enjoy it ♡

They probably don't celebrate Saint Valentine's Day in Prythian but a girl can dream.

Elain hated Saint Valentine’s.

It was a holiday full of things she loved: roses, chocolate, and love. And yet she hated it for she could not be part of it. While her sisters would be covered in beautiful flower bouquets and delicious boxes of chocolates, she would not partake in any of these merriments. While they strolled around Velaris stealing kisses from their mates, she would be alone in her room, staring at the ceiling. 

She hated it. She hated it all.

She hated Saint Valentine’s because it made her hate herself. It turned her into a jealous, self-pitying little creature, and she could not stand it. She didn’t want to be jealous. She wanted to be happy for her sisters, as she normally was. She did not want to feel pity for herself when she had so much to be grateful for.

But most of all, she hated Saint Valentine’s because it made her hate, and she hated hate. She was made for love. And yet, wasn’t that the problem? She was made to love and be loved, and yet she didn’t seem capable of finding someone with whom to share that feeling. But that was not true either. She had a mate. She would probably receive just as many gifts today as her sisters, maybe even more, since Lucien tried to compensate for their lack of mutual affection with presents. And still, Elain felt utterly alone during Saint Valentine’s, for in her mating bond there was no love. 

At least, not on her part.

No, there was only one person that Elain wished to share Saint Valentine’s with. But after Solstice, the Shadowsinger had made it very clear that he did not want any part of it, and Elain could not blame him. Who would want to get involved with a mated female like her? Especially someone like Azriel, who could have whomever he wanted? He could have his pick of females this Saint Valentine’s; Elain was very aware that she was far from being the only admirer the Spymaster had. He could have warriors, aristocrats… Valkyries. Why would he choose someone as quiet and boring as Elain?

Elain was lying in bed, deep into such thoughts, when she heard a sound on her balcony. 

A sound of something heavy landing on it.

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Azriel stood by the window, hesitant. 

Was she awake? If she was, would she welcome his presence or would she consider he was violating her privacy, arriving at her room unannounced?

Elain had seemed so distant the day before.

She was a reserved female by nature, but she usually enjoyed the company of the Inner Court and participated in their conversations in her quiet manner. 

But not last night. 

Last night, Elain had remained shut up like a clam all throughout dinner. She had barely eaten anything and responded to comments directed to her in the most concise way that politeness allowed, preventing the conversation from going any further. Her usual calm demeanour had turned somewhat irritable. Azriel had even seen her snap at her sisters at one point, and then quickly apologise and retire to her gardens, an odd look on her face. 

Azriel knew that look all too well. 

It was a look of unsurmountable loneliness. 

She had tried to mask it as best she could, but Azriel could see beyond that mask. After all, he saw that look every day when he looked at himself in the mirror. 

And he knew Elain better than anyone at the Night Court, for he had taken the habit of observing her every move. He was now more of an expert on anything Elain than even her sisters were.

It wasn’t hard for Azriel to get to the root cause of Elain’s distress. 

He was also painfully aware of which date it was tomorrow. 

For centuries, he couldn’t have cared less about this particular day, normally completely forgetting about it altogether, but this year was different. Ever since both of his brothers had found their mates, Azriel found himself more and more left out. He knew that they didn’t do it on purpose, and he did not begrudge Rhysand and Cassian for their happiness, but still, he couldn’t help but feel that he was the odd one out. Truth be told, Azriel was also actively drawing away from his brothers. Seeing the two Illyrians happily mated reminded Azriel of a truth that had been engraved on him as a child: that he was unlovable.

Last night, he had perceived in Elain some of that same darkness. 

He could not bear it. 

Elain was everything that was pure and beautiful in the world. She should not harbour inside her any of the pain that stained Azriel’s soul. He wanted nothing more than for her to be happy.

That is why he now found himself on Elain’s balcony, Velaris sleeping below him; to take the female’s sorrows away.

Encouraged by the memory of Elain’s sad doe eyes, he decided to take the risk and gently knock on her window.

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Tap, tap, tap.

Elain startled. She stood in her bed and held her breath, straining her ears for another sound. 

Tap, tap, tap.

There it was again. The heavy sound of something landing, the gentle taps on her window… There was certainly someone on her balcony. 

She hastily rose from her bed, covered herself as best she could with her nightgown, and headed to the window. Clinging to her lacy garments, she opened the window that led to her balcony. 

A cold gust of wind welcomed her, but that was not all that awaited her on the balcony. A flicker of shadows curled and danced around her, before swiftly drawing back.

Back to their owner.

Azriel.

The sight of Azriel on her balcony was almost enough to make her combust. He was clad in his usual black attire, his blue siphons shining bright. The full moon that graced the sky that night favoured him with her light so that Elain could see him leaning against the ivy-covered bannister. The terrace’s sweet smell of roses was laced with a scent of pine trees and cedar wood. 

Azriel was one with the darkness of nighttime. One more shadow of the night.  

The most beautiful shadow Elain had ever laid eyes upon.

“Ahem”. Azriel discreetly cleared his throat.

Oh, no. 

She had been staring. 

Elain had not even been aware that she was conducting a thorough examination of the Shadowsinger. She could not help but do so every time she encountered him, but normally she went about it discreetly. 

Not this time. 

She had inspected him in a completely unabashed fashion. Besides, since the incident on Solstice, they had barely been alone, both of them doing their best to avoid each other.

Blood rushed to her face at the realisation, her blush matching the light pink tone of her nightgown.

“Azriel”, she said softly, beaming up at him. “Please come inside, February nights are too cold to be outside”.

Azriel offered her a shy smile and followed her inside her room.

Elain turned to close the window. On turning round again, she found Azriel facing her with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. The most beautiful flowers she had ever seen.

“What type of flowers are they? I don’t recognise them, and I praise myself for my knowledge of plants”, she whispered. 

The Spymaster chuckled at the remark. “They’re called icy lilies because their petals seem carved out of ice. My mother grows them in Rosehall. I figured you might like them so I brought some for you”, he said while offering the bouquet to her.

Elain was shocked. 

Azriel never mentioned her mother. 

“I love them”, she answered truthfully, accepting the flowers. But Azriel did not let go of the bouquet. Instead, he placed his hands on hers, closing them around the blossoms. Elain could not help but gaze at his hands. They were callused and covered with scars. She knew that Azriel was self-conscious about them. She had often seen him hiding them if he caught her looking, or drawing them away after reaching for her, as if he were scared that his hands could somehow corrupt her. 

None of that seemed to matter to him now. 

His tanned hands caressed hers, whilst he drew closer to her. He was so close she could feel his breath on her hair. Elain grew painfully aware of how little fabric she was wearing. The only things separating their bodies were the delicate white flowers and Elain thought that no matter how beautiful they were, she wouldn’t mind crushing them into pieces if that meant feeling Azriel’s body on her body. 

The Shadowsinger bend down his head, placing his full lips close to her pointed ear. 

Why are you here Az? she wanted to ask. But she wouldn’t, lest the question might drive him away. 

She didn’t want him to leave.

Ever.

“Happy Saint Valentine’s, Elain”, he whispered into her ear. 

Her name on his lips, spoken in that hushed tone, as if it were his most precious secret, almost made her knees give out from under her. 

She drew back, just enough to look into Azriel’s heavenly face. His gaze was intent on her, his stunning hazel eyes warm and inviting. Elain wished to drown in them, and drown she would, for those eyes exposed the myriad of wounds and longings that the Shadowsinger kept suppressed and concealed. 

But there was also love and devotion in his gaze. 

Elain hoped for nothing more than the smallest taste of the heaven that those eyes promised.

“Happy Saint Valentine’s to you too, Azriel”, she managed to say back. 

Azriel shifted his feet, suddenly looking insecure. As if he wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words. Or as if he had the words already prepared and now couldn’t find the courage to say them. 

Elain softly pressed his hands, stepping even closer, until not even one more flower could have fitted between them. She gazed up at him, smiling. Her honest smile was encouraging enough for him to finally speak. 

“Elain, you deserve everything”, he spoke under his breath. “You deserve a moonlit walk along the Sidra, a diamond necklace on your neck, a bed covered in rose petals. And I wish, more than anything I wish, that I could be the one to give it all to you. The perfect Saint Valentine’s Day every day”. He stopped to catch his breath, now ragged, and continued, more decisively this time. “I hate to think you don’t know just how breathtaking you are. I hate to think of you locked up in your room, denying the world of your beauty, today or any other day. But most of all, I hate to think of you feeling lonely and abandoned. I know what it’s like to feel lonely. I’ve felt lonely all my life. But upon meeting you, part of that loneliness left me. I now wish to return that favour and chase your loneliness away. Because you will never be lonely again. I may not always be able to be with you physically, but rest assured that if I’m not breathing the same air as you, I’m thinking of you. Always”. 

Tears started to run freely down Elain’s pale face and she let them. She couldn’t have stopped them if she tried. “Azriel, I don’t need the diamonds nor a bed of roses. I don’t even need a stroll along the Sidra. I only need you. These flowers I have in my hands are worth more to me than any treasure in the world because you were the one to gift them to me. What is a diamond necklace worth if it’s not you that ties it around my neck?”. 

Azriel leaned down towards her face and carefully kissed her tears away. His touch spoke of reverence, adoration and devotion. 

“May this be the first of many Saint Valentine’s together, ” Azirel spoke under his breath. A devilish grin spread over his face as he added, “Even if we have to celebrate them in secret”.