Aubrie

I'm trying hard to be content with this little life I've built all my own. But oftentimes, my heart longs for the one I had to abandon.

I want to fall in love with someone again. I want the rush of that first kiss. I want the staying up too late to talk to each other even though you know you have to get up in the morning. I want both of us reading our schedules to find any free minute to spend together. I want the "hey I have to go to the store, you wanna come?" Just because its better to be in each other's company. I want the butterflies the first time we lay down together. To figure out the best way we fit into each other's body's the first time we cuddle. The laughing at seeing each other dance like morons to our favorite songs. I want the kind of love they write books and movies about. The kind that makes you smile when you hear their name. The type of love that brings joy when you get to tell someone about them. Yeah... I think I wanna fall in love again.

A few months ago I wrote on this very blog about how pointless and arbitrary everything in my life and life in general felt. I was of the opinion that none if it mattered because I'd be gone one day and so would the people that knew me. I often found myself thinking what was the point of love if it was going to end, or the point of joy if you would later feel sadness again? But now I sit and reflect on what it was like to be so in love with someone that the world doesn't feel as dark. It was painful to lose a love like that. It effected me in ways I didn't know were possible, and for a bit after it ended I didn't want to fall in love again. I was completely turned off by the idea of loving someone again because of the possibility of it ending again. But now as I sit here and collect my thoughts I realize that that's part of what makes love so special. You may not get to love someone forever, but that doesn't mean it was wasted. I wouldn't trade a single day with her, I am who I am largely because of that relationship and the effect she had on me as a person. There's beauty in things that are temporary. We want to hold them for a lifetime, but aren't always afforded such opportunities. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to love like that, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to do it again. We win, fight, lose, fall down, get back up, love, have heart break, grieve, feel joy, pain, but most of the time it's not permanent. I find that to be beautiful. There's beauty in letting go, even when you want to hold on so tightly.

Forbidden Fruit is rarely half eaten

I just want someone to give a shit

And so I'll sit up late at night a spew my guts to the internet. All while feeling guilty for being the sad girl again.

I wish it was easier to walk away but that's not the kind of person I am. I care, maybe too much at times. I might not always do the right thing but my heart is in the right place. Please just take care of yourself, keep yourself safe. I'm worried. But I also know it's not my place to demand to be involved.

Loneliness is a bitch when you're sad