Welcome

the sound of the waves crashing against the shore still rings behind the row of houses and you can still smell the sea salt even from where you're at.

the sun still cast an orange glow on the sleepy summer town and you still remember running along these streets under such setting when you were still carefree--somewhat happy. when the waves, the shore, and orange glow along the sky served as a place of belonging and not yet the ache that lingers in your heart.

when it was a place that held the memories of your childhood; of what youth was, and not just the person you once were and everything that was before you left.

but nonetheless, when the front door of the familiar house cracks open to your older sister's welcoming smile, you let the sight console you of why you came back.

you're finally home again. or at least what once was.

-

ii. the new boy -- before

if you liked white chocolate, san would prefer dark chocolate to them.

if you preferred pancakes to waffles, san preferred waffles to pancakes.

if you hated ketchups, san loved them.

if san loved rock and metal, you loved pop in return.

if san loved being the center of attention, you definitely hated it. and if he didn't mind sitting in the front row, you'd do anything to sit in the back.

it had always been like that. you and san the complete polar opposite of one another, yet for some reason, managed to be the absolute best of friends.

you ate your different choices of foods at the same table, respected each other's awful music taste, and he didn't make fun of you for not liking condiments.

it was a mutual agreement starting from the very age of 9 when you first met each other the summer he had moved into the house just a couple doors down.

it was a very hot day with your dad's back flat on the towel he had brought from home, situated just a couple feet from your much tinier figure whose feet were soaked in sea foam repeatedly because you were too afraid to go any further.

you only stared at the ocean water forming at your ankles and the super cute yellow swimsuit your mother had gotten you. it was too bad it was gonna have to go to waste.

"hi." a soft, mellow voice popped from beside you, snapping your neck to see a boy who looked just about your age and a little taller than you, smiling down.

"hi?" you said, sounding a little confused and scared.

"what's your name?" he asked, the boy full of confidence and familiarity already as if he hadn't met you just now.

you blinked before turning back to the incoming wave, mumbling, "y/n."

"what's that?" he said, kneeling slightly to match your height and leaning so he could hear better.

"y/n!" you yelled in his ear, your little body already irritated from the lack of progression you were making and him pestering you was making it worse.

the poor boy backed away immediately, chanting, "okay okay, i'm sorry." but with a strong determination, still stared at you up and down before breaking the silence again. "well, i'm san."

you didn't say anything, only glaring at him with your brows pinched together.

"are you scared of the water?" he asked quite sweetly, to which you just nod. "it's not that scary. look."

you watched in amazement as he proceeded to walk out further until the water reached his knees, eventually turning to lend you a hand with a cute dimple smile.

"come on," he said.

-

iii. welcome back -- present

"when you said you were coming to visit for the summer, i didn't wanna believe it," your sister says, a light smile on her lips and clothes in her hands as she helps you put your things away.

you chuckle dryly. "i had to come back someday."

it wasn't like you excommunicated her the entire five years you were gone; hell, you called her every other day and she visited at least twice a year but it feels different, you get it... to finally be here again.

together in the same place where you two grew up, having spent the majority of your earlier youth fighting and screaming at each other across the hallway and never really appreciating the other's presence until you two were apart.

until you left did you realized how bratty of a younger sister you were and how much of a hard time you gave her, and yet, she still had your back through everything and was there when you most needed her.

"and i'm glad it's today. i was afraid you were gonna make us wait longer," she says lightheartedly.

"it's already been too long," you reply, "way too long that even dad seemed to have lost it."

the confetti upon entrance and the welcome home banner with your name in bright purple was something uncharacteristic of your father, always having known him to be more subtle in his affection so it definitely took you by surprise when you heard it was his idea.

katie giggles from beside you. just you and her doing mundane things like this again, you're gonna miss it when you have to go back.

"well, what can he do? he misses his youngest daughter," she coos, nudging you by the shoulder as a smile brush over your lips.

"i miss him too. both him and mom."

you gave them the fattest hug even though you saw them less than a year ago when they came over, but it felt just like the old time--in the arms of your parents and eating your mom's homemade cooking.

nothing in this world beats your mom's cooking.

"you haven't ever talked about coming back at all, i was starting to doubt if you'd even come back for my wedding," she quips with a smirk, earning a nudge in return as you scoff.

"of course i'd come back. i wouldn't miss your and seonghwa's wedding for the world."

you both laugh in unison, the clothes in both your hands folded and gone by now but it feels like you wouldn't mind folding a thousand more, just happy to be with her once again.

"but you know," your sister adds, her voice suddenly softer, more serious, "if you weren't ready to come back just yet, even if for my big day, i'd understand."

a short silence grasp the air, a bittersweet smile replacing your former one.

"i know you'd understand, but trust me... nothing's stopping me from making it to your big day," you assure, looking into her eyes with the glare of determination, making her chuckle in response.

"look at you," she says, her tone already too cheery and too much like your mother, "you've matured so much, and not only that, you're so close to achieving your dreams."

"i guess so..."

"how much longer?"

"i'll be getting my own classroom before school starts."

you see probably the biggest smile on her face since you've got here.

"see! i knew you could do it! i'm gonna go tell mom and dad!"

-

iv. dreams -- before

the word dreams changed as you aged.

when you were much younger--truthfully not even old enough to be thinking about it, they were more like small milestones; wants, and not necessarily the tie to ambitions and goals the way everyone uses the word.

you considered wanting to try a new ice cream flavor a dream the same you considered wishing your mom had bought you the shirt you wanted.

but as you grew older, your dreams grew as well. they became more serious--bigger. you wanted to do good in school, try out for a sports team, and you wanted to excel at something.

and even when you didn't have the best grades, made it to none of the school's sports team, and found yourself average at best on what could be your talent, you never wrote any of it off as impossible.

you just had to try harder, you told yourself.

if you had just studied more, practiced more, and honed your skills over the years, maybe you'd reach your dreams.

at 15 years old, you discovered your first big, real dream. nothing like any of the previous ones--this was something you envisioned for the future, an answer you could finally give when someone asked, "what do you want to do or be?"

the enlightment happened on a short trip to an elementary school not far from your own, the tour quickly passing by a preschool class that awoke something in you.

seeing all of their smaller figures prancing around adorably at the playground convinced you that it was a sight you wouldn't mind seeing everyday, and possibly a job that you could grow to be passionate about.

"i want to be a teacher," you told san the same week this passion of yours unfolded, much to an expected laughter from him as he tried to avoid choking from the ice cream he swallowed just now.

"seriously?" he squeaked.

"seriously."

"but you're so clumsy, how are you gonna lead an entire class full of children?"

you shrugged it off, his doubts and teasing remarks a daily occurence.

"don't underestimate me, i might surprise you."

he laughed once more, shaking his head and giving the water under a single kick.

the place was your guys sanctuary--a small enough cliff barely hanging over the shallow water just off to the side and away from the center of all the noises--you two loved coming here after school to watch the sunset.

you loved eating ice creams together and talking with him for hours on end until your father called you to come home.

"what about you?" you asked him, both your eyes meeting. "you know what you wanna do, yet?"

he pondered for maybe a second, one of his eyebrows raising before shaking his head. "nope. haven't thought much about it."

you nodded and hummed in response, going back to finishing your ice cream as you stared out into the ocean. it was a typical answer in san fashion.

while you worried about the future quite often, san took things as they came. he lived in the moment and it was a quality you couldn't help but to admire, especially at his age.

so you pushed forward with achieving the career of your choice as a dream. of course you still had other wants, but you were starting to become old enough where you no longer considered anything that wasn't substantial 'dreams', yet you were also still not mature enough to grasp that your dreams never stopped even beyond setting one on the podium.

that very same year when san got his first girlfriend, you realized you had another dream.

-

v. just like the old time -- present

the bacon and eggs at gary's diner still tastes the same.

back then when your father was busy with work and your mother unable to prepare anything in time, it was all you and your sister would eat given it was the cheapest around town.

you remember growing tired of it, but with the years gone by, you have found a new appreciation for the place and its nostalgia, even craving it this morning and asking katie to go with you.

you promised your mom she can make dinner instead.

"how is it?" your sister ask, placing down her cup of soda. she didn't get anything but a single croissant, saying she had been here just two months ago.

you finish chewing before speaking, "exactly the same as when i left." smiling afterward as she sends one right back.

"crazy, huh? to be missing gary's diner when you almost didn't even wanna be here the last time," she teases, to which you chuckle.

"crazy."

not only the diner but many places and things look more captivating and charming this time around, even if nothing technically changed except your perception.

even your old room itself also looks just fine despite it bearing no resemblance to before and only serving as a storage for your family now, but the memories make up for it by a long mile.

maybe because you grew up in this small world your entire earlier youth that you never learned to appreciate its beauty until you left. not the green pop of scenery that contrast the usual glow of the town, and even very rarely what lays at the heart of the town--an ocean that stretches beyond that you've come to only associate with the last few years here... years that made you bitter toward the very season you've known all your life.

but when you left, you promised you wouldn't return until it didn't hurt anymore. that only until the pain turned into an ache--a twinge, would you ever come back. and so you did.

-

you spend the majority of the first couple of days with your family, whether at the beach just like the old time or a day out in the park mostly indulging in nature and your mother's cooking she packed into the picnic basket that you're sure no other korean restaurants on the west coast can beat.

if you're not with them, you're either on the porch with a book in your hand and taking in the summer air, or stuck to your laptop as you rummage through your work email and reread all requirements over and over again so you don't miss anything.

on the sixth day, the same day your sister's fiance finally returns from his business trip and having been informed of her plan with him ahead of time, you take the chance to stroll the town alone with a few places in mind.

you take pictures of the scenes you pass, saving them in your camera roll just as something to look back at. then you walk along the sands at the beach, watching the few families and kids run around, unable to help but admire the ones that can already navigate the sea at their young age.

you never learned how to swim and lost interest in it after having been away from the water for so long.

it's peaceful, harmonious, and exactly what you need because in two months when your career begins, you know your life is gonna be anything but that. you love kids still, but you're beyond experienced at this point to hold the same naivety you did back then.

you save the best place for last, driving into the parking lot of the coffee shop you used to pay weekly visits to, knowing you really should've came here sooner considering how often through the years did you yearned for its taste.

you don't know what kind of magic they put in it, but you've never been successful at replicating the flavor even with the espresso machine you've invested too much in, along with the endless attempts.

the smell of coffee hits your nose immediately upon entering--that aroma unique to the only coffee shop in the town is one you could recognize anywhere.

surprisingly, it's the one place so far that looks different even from the outside. it's a lot cleaner, the painting of the walls are more polished and refined, and there seems to be new decorations--plants and fairy lights now gracing the once plainer interior at every corner.

the workers are all new, you don't recognize any of them, but you suppose that's just the circle of life.

"hello, you ready to order?" the young lady at the counter greets you with a smile.

"yes," you answer, returning a smile of your own as you walk closer. "may i get one large iced vanilla americano."

"one large iced vanilla americano," she repeats before looking up again. "will that be it?"

"yes."

you pull off to the side after paying, occupying yourself with your phone for the time being but catching how slightly busy the shop is on a friday evening.

yet, not even a minute into your wait time, you hear your order.

"one large iced vanilla americano!"

you're quick to pull away from your phone, impressed by the speed as you start heading over to the counter when your shoulder knocks into someone else's just mere inches from the drink.

"oh, i'm sorr--" you both turn to say and even stop at the same exact time.

suddenly, it feels like the sun has caved in on you in this small town, your heart pounding alarmingly inside your chest that's starting to make it hard for you to breathe in this summer air--his name taking everything in you to utter.

"san?"

-

vi. a different kind of pain -- before

in the 7th grade when you tripped on a curb and gave yourself the worst cut on an elbow you had ever seen, you thought that was the worst pain you've experienced.

you bled everywhere--on yourself, on the sidewalk, on san--you honestly and dramatically thought you were gonna bleed to death.

in the 10th grade when san told you he had accepted cathy lee's confession, you'd honestly and dramatically rather trip on 20 more curbs and actually bleed to death.

it was an unfortunate discovery--only until he was already with someone else did the feelings you'd mistaken for familiarity come to the surface. jealousy was the first true and big realization that you liked him like that.

still, you never acted on your feelings. your morals wouldn't allow it.

you understood the situation and that just because you knew san longer, it wasn't fair to despise her because she took the chance you couldn't.

you supported their relationship, you drew boundaries even when san himself didn't see the importance in them, and went way beyond what any 15 year olds was capable of so their best friend's girlfriend didn't feel uncomfortable or threatened.

she still didn't like you and you were starting to understand the reason why she was always giving you the stink eyes even before dating san: she never really liked you in the first place.

on the day they broke up, you were in your room doing homeworks with the plan to watch a show after since you knew they would be hanging out.

one paper and a half in, you had to stop because he showed up at your door and casually laid down on your bed to tell you she broke up with him.

it had only been 3 months.

"i'm sorry, san," you consoled him, thinking he was gonna be sad and heartbroken.

"i feel just fine." he shrugged, hands resting at the back of his head as he looked at you, not a single trace of grief anywhere. "i didn't really like her anyway."

you blinked at him from where you were at, unable to tell whether he was lying or telling the truth.

"then why did you say yes to her?"

"i never had a girlfriend before so i thought the experience wouldn't hurt. didn't work out but it's okay, me and her have like nothing in common."

his answer and the way in how he said it scared you. it wasn't completely out of fashion for san, but just the thought that this was the way he viewed love or relationships--something unserious and experimental, made you look at him just a little differently that day.

"you looked like you liked her," you mumbled, unamused, but he laughed instead.

"i was hoping i would, but it's fine. besides, she kept thinking i had some sort of feelings for you." he laughed again, this time a little harder and more detrimental to your well-being.

he didn't seem to notice or care about your lack of response, just quickly moving the topic along so casually, you almost wanted to be impressed.

"you still up for movies?"

things quickly reverted back to the way they were. you two still did almost everything together and hung out every day after school with him never mentioning cathy once as if he had never been in a relationship with her even if short-lasting, and you--you did the same.

as if the quiet suffering you lived through was all an illusion, you didn't act on your feelings or impulses--the return to normality at the time a bigger delusion than the one in your head, thinking things would stay the same for a long while.

while san had always been cute and quite popular with the girls, for some reason he had gotten even cuter that year you guys officially became juniors in high school.

and though he mostly kept to you and his small circle of friends, not because he was shy or introverted but because he just preferred it that way, his list of acquaintances also grew that year because his new friends started dragging him to sports games.

he started texting you less, very rarely wanted to hang out after school anymore, and he also met mina.

whereas his and cathy's relationship was premature, unserious, and even innocent, his and mina's was the complete opposite. and while cathy was a lot more like you--a little awkward, quiet, and not one with the crowd, mina was anything but that.

she was the head of the school's cheerleading team and was popular amongst girls and boys alike. she was always glammed up from head to toes that made you dislike standing next to her, and she always carried around a certain aura.

you, in all fairness, couldn't compete with her even a smidge.

initially, san only name-dropped her here and there, but toward the end of the year, it was glaringly obvious he had a crush on her. you would've had a crush on her if you were a boy.

just a month into senior year, she asked him out and became his official second girlfriend.

the relationship for the most part were intense and intimate, and san was sure to let you know all about it. aside from being his first kiss, mina was practically his first everything.

and as young as you guys were, you really thought she was the one for san. you rooted a lot for them even after everything they would eventually put you through, but still, you rooted. through a different kind of pain you were used to whenever you'd see them together.

despite san missing your birthday when that was the only day you asked of him after not seeing each other for a while.

despite him not defending you when her and her group of friends talked behind your back.

despite him always taking her side blindly and never once having listened to you.

despite avoiding and ghosting you for the last two months of their relationship, and despite turning into the most horrible person his senior year, you still rooted like an idiot.

the only thing more foolish was accepting his apology immediately after he finally texted back, not to your last text asking how he was doing, but to tell you he and mina broke up. she broke up with him.

the relationship lasted almost a good year.

you didn't feel anything really--not relieved, happy, sad, anything. you just contemplated the past couple of months and what exactly was your relationship with him anymore.

you thought you couldn't do it--let things go back to the way they were, but you did. not intentionally, but the years of knowing each other made the process easier.

so much easier you didn't even think about the fact he never apologized even once for anything.

and whereas he was unscathed from the relationship with cathy, his relationship with mina actually affected and altered him to some degrees.

he found solace in having experience once again, but preached over and over about not wanting to do relationships anymore. said he wanted to be single and all that.

he wanted to be single, until he didn't.

-

vii. a cruel fate -- present

as different as you and san were, coffee was one of the few things you both shared a love for--yours and his favorite drink belonging to the only coffee shop in town, the same one where you meet him again in five long years.

you really didn't wanna see him again. you didn't plan to. but when he had asked after running into you with the highest and most excited voice like he was happy to see you again, you couldn't say no. you couldn't find it in yourself to.

a part of it due to courtesy and another due to how much memories of this place had him in it even if you don't wanna think about the fact, and how all of a sudden he was once again standing in front of you.

it doesn't feel real because how does the one thing you wish to avoid the most just come knocking right into you.

the drink in your hand is starting to melt and be long forgotten despite looking forward to it all day. it's hard to think about anything else with san's figure next to you again and walking side by side as the sound of cars and nature fill the initial silence.

you look at your feet, at the motionless trees, at the sunset--anything but at san. just the brief glimpse back at the shop tells you you're not ready for the person he's grown into.

"i'm really surprised to see you again," he breaks the silence. "i'm... really glad."

the familiar voice into your ear, you didn't think you'd hear it again so soon or ever, really. it sends a quiet chill down your body and make you feel a certain way you can't quite put to words.

you have to take a short breath before speaking.

"yeah, it's good to be back. i miss the place and my family."

he just nods. no reply, no nothing. just once again the cars on the road or the flock of birds now high in the sky. not even during the worst fight between the two of you was it ever this awkward.

"and you? what are you doing here?" you ask, genuinely curious. one of the reasons you came back was because you were sure there was no way you were gonna run into him again.

katie had mentioned in a passing that his family moved to the city just 2 years after you left.

"i've been visiting every summer for the last 3 years. i rent an airbnb nearby."

"oh," you say calmly. "i see."

a couple more steps down the hill, you quickly pull up your phone to check the time.

"i have to get back before dinner," you tell him with urgency but confidence in your voice, not wanting to come off like you're looking for an excuse (even though you don't know how much longer you'll last next to him).

"oh, okay." his walking slowly comes to a looming stop.

"sorry," you mumble, matching his pace and truthfully afraid to face him.

he stops completely, his body turning and you can feel the hair raising at the back of your neck because he's currently staring you down. "it's okay."

you try to keep the composure, having to forcefully but subtly turn to meet his melting eyes and say in the utmost unfazed tone, "i'll see you around?"

but he skips to a question instead. "how long are you gonna be staying?"

"i'm not sure yet," you lie through your teeth. you shouldn't but flight is seeming like your natural response when you're near him. "but i'll be here a while."

at least he smiles at that and all it's doing is making you feel smaller under his gaze. his toner and bigger body... his smile that's gotten even cuter over time and his features that has grown so fondly and perfectly onto his face.

he no longer looked like the boy who enjoyed teasing you and would cringe at the idea of ever liking you romantically.

he now looks like a man; more mature and exactly the kind to wanna protect you, and that was the worst part.

"do you have a pen?" he asks, catching you off guard as you ponder the question and think about the array of things you've managed to stuff into your bag.

"i should," you answer, reaching for the one place it should be at, pulling out a lone black pen and handing it to him.

"can i see your drink?"

you raise an eyebrow but hand it to him nonetheless, watching him jot down something over it before handing it back to you with another smile.

"whenever you're ready again, you can reach out to me," he says the same time you eye the cup to see what he wrote. his number squeezed into the tight space of the white sticker. "don't forget your pen."

-

viii. not all dreams come true -- before

the year you turned 18 was tumultuous to say the least.

your graduation was already stressful having to stand amongst your peers and in front of that many people, and then the transition to college was even worse with the closest campus almost an hour drive away.

your father and occasionally your sister would drive you until san got his license and you'd go together, stay at campus all day, and come back when the sun was already down.

it wasn't until a few months into your college classes did you finally get your license, preferring to be at home and study there instead of the overtime at the library since san had a class that ran later into the day.

the change was hard, the new classes were as well, and fighting your feelings for san was harder.

that year, the uncontrollable urge to confess to him kept showing its head. you'd brush it away for a day or two only for it to come back even stronger for the next week and month.

every moment and second spent with him, your mind unable to help but spiral into delusions of what-ifs.

not only was the fantasy in your head loud, but the fear of losing him once again aided by past events was just as equally--so afraid and apprehensive that you were gonna regret it if you didn't act on it.

you thought about everything before you did it. you really did.

you stayed up the multiple nights leading to the day tossing and turning, weighing every pros and cons and for some reason managing to absolutely convince yourself he was gonna say yes.

after all, he had known you close to his whole life. he hung out with you all the time, talked to you all the time, and told you things he's never told anyone else. even when his relationships didn't work out, he always returned to you.

and you, if it was to be anyone in the world, it'd still be him. you really wanted it to be him.

you were maybe only 60% positive, and even that was way off.

"you're not serious," he said, staring out the windshield of his car, his face and tone totally unreadable while you sat next to him the most scared you had ever been because you just told him you liked him.

it was the weekend and you had asked to go somewhere just so you two could be alone, having planned everything meticulously the day before.

the scariest part was you couldn't tell how he was feeling at all. no surprise, no sadness, no happiness, no nothing. like as if he was just having another casual conversation with you.

"no, forreal. are you playing a prank on me right now?" he turned to you, a light smirk at the corner of his lips but you're not cracking even the tiniest smile and truthfully, it kind of hurt that he wasn't able to tell you were being sincere.

"no, i'm being serious," you managed to answer in a shaky voice, still tense and nervous about how this was gonna go but it was too late to take it back.

the smirk on him changed to a faint smile, silence filling the air and even more anxiety filling your chest before he spoke the next few words.

"i appreciate it. but honestly, you're not really my type."

he didn't sound mean or condescending, he just sounded like san. with his laughter and the usual shake of his head thinking he had cracked a joke you were gonna be able to take because you always took it. all of them.

"plus, i just don't wanna do any relationships right now. you know how i already feel about them," he added, indifferent to just about everything. "did you still wanna go on a drive?"

it wasn't that he didn't return your feelings, you would never be upset at such a thing--the heart not something you can force, you understood that firsthand.

it was the way he never took you seriously as if you were a child that was expected to get over everything without throwing a tantrum, and it wasn't until you wanted him to care even the slightest that it hit you.

when you just wanted some acknowledgement, some consolation, and he just wrote it off as something inconvenient that he could laugh at a few weeks from then.

when your feelings and pain wasn't something that mattered to him because in the end, you'll get over it. you always do, and if not, you were at least good at pretending.

neither of you mentioned or spoke about it beyond that very first time. you because you've decided to let go of a dream impossible and san probably because it never even crossed his mind.

nothing changed except for the fact it happened, and for some time, you thought you could live with it.

you thought it was enough you still got to speak to him and hang out. it was enough until it wasn't... and then you were okay, until you weren't.

because that second semester of college when san got with his third girlfriend, it took you way too long to learn his tales of not wanting a relationship or commitment anymore were just that--tales.

because when he was actually in love with someone, it was written all over his face and body language. adoration and infatuation. a side of him you had never seen before.

it was the toughest pill to swallow... the fact he very obviously still wanted those things. he just didn't want it with you.

-

ix. conflict -- present

you contemplated the whole way home whether or not to throw away the cup. it isn't good for you, yet, you find yourself unable to, setting it aside on the table to deal with later.

you had so many questions you had to keep from asking, curiosity never doing you any good and you were just starting to get better at not sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.

but you do wonder... if they're still together and for what reason exactly is his yearly visit for. a smaller part of you wondering what he's been up to.

you have kept off social media for years to avoid answers to any of your questions, for your well-being and healing. but then here he is, and it all feels like a fever dream.

as you squeeze your eyes shut to process the event of today with your back to the hard flooring since your parents threw out your mattress the same month you moved out, your door comes bursting open with your sister showing herself.

"hey." she walks in, closing the door behind her.

you sit up to look at her, her eyebrows pinching themselves in as she takes a seat next to you.

"how was today?" she already sounds concerned, her legs now criss-crossed the same as yours.

"good for the most part," you say at first. "and your day? how was everything with seonghwa?"

she giggles at the mention of him. you didn't think you believed in true love anymore but then came your sister and her boyfriend-now-fiance, their relationship proving to be about just everything you ever see in a classic romance flick.

even the way they met was kind of corny and dramatic, but they both go so well together it's kind of crazy. their understanding of one another and perfect teamwork as if connected by souls is something that will never fail to put you in awe.

so though you love your sister and acknowledge her efforts to succeed in anything she does, you do resent her just a little for taking all the good lucks and leaving you with none.

you were the awkward one growing up, the less smarter one, and clearly also the one with worser luck when it comes to love, and now even just in general... running into san the way you did.

"it was nice. he needed the break after the trip," she answers, quickly changing the subject. "said he also misses you and thinks you need a proper welcome back party."

"god no," you protest, the headache from the yet to happen party already building itself. "can seonghwa ever say hi normally?"

your sister laughs at that, definitely in agreement with you but finding her fiance's excessiveness endearing instead.

"but it'll be good, don't you think? get to know a couple more people. you've been gone for a long time. plus, it won't be anything big. just a few drinks and a few people."

you hum in skepticism. "i'll have to sleep on it."

"fine. now tell me about your day. i wanna hear all about it." she sits in anticipation, eyes and ears glued like you're about to tell her the most fascinating thing yet. at least you won't bore her with this one.

"i ran into san today," you tell her, voice surprisingly calm though your body definitely isn't at hearing his name fall from your own lips.

the once relaxed expression on her turns to shock, having to adjust her seating to slowly and carefully say, "how did that happen?"

"at the sunrise cafe. the one me and him used to always frequent. i didn't even see him when i came in, and somehow we ordered the same drink. i mean to be fair, that was his favorite as well but it was just totally unexpected."

"did he... talk to you?" she treads her words carefully, being the person with the most knowledge regarding this topic and what it means to you.

she's also the one to witness your growth over the years, having watched you dodge and avoid anything in relation to being able to talk about it so openly.

"he asked if i had a moment and we talked while walking. we really didn't go far from the cafe. i asked what he was doing here and he said he has been coming every summer for the last 3 years or so."

"and how are you feeling now? or at the time?"

katie has a way of talking that you really appreciate. she makes you assess almost every part of your feelings, mostly because she wants you to understand the emotions yourself.

you have to really think about the question, wanting to find the right words and not say things just to say it especially when talking to her.

"conflicted? i'm not sure. i didn't really wanna see him again, but actually seeing him, i don't completely despise him. just... i wish we hadn't met?"

"right. you didn't think of him but now that you met him again, you're thinking of him. he's someone familiar, i understand."

"yes," you agree, grateful she's always able to put out loud what you struggle to say. hushing quickly after, you look down to play with your fingers, the air shifting even if it hasn't been the liveliest--this one is even less.

"i just... sometimes i feel bad when i think about it," you say, still not looking her in the eyes.

"why?"

"we were friends for so long and i left. just like that."

you can't see her reaction, only able to hear the momentary silence before the low sigh that departs from beside you.

"he wasn't a very good friend even then," she tells you, having seen it for herself. but you were so fond of him, spent every second and waking moment with him that she didn't wanna come inbetween.

it was your friend and your choice, and so she welcomed him with open arms because she didn't wanna be the one to tell you you could find a way better friend.

one that always chose everything else over you when you would choose him over anything in a heartbeat.

one that never paid you any compliments or respect for the kind, fragile person you are and the extra miles you'd go.

and one that constantly talked down to you, never acknowledging the pain or struggles you went through as something valid; serious--always taking your love for granted.

you finally look her in the eyes, your cheeks already flushed before you can even say it though katie's heard of it all. more than twice.

"that's the worst part. i didn't even leave because he was a bad friend." you pout and she finds a reason to smile just slightly amid the serious conversation.

"even then, your action doesn't need any justifications. whatever you were feeling, it was enough. having to have a reason for everything is too overrated. if you want to try a certain food, try it. if you don't feel like going out, don't. if you wanna leave a relationship, leave."

her tone is sincere enough until you both stare at each other too long, a bout of giggles releasing at the same time.

"i guess that made me feel a little better?" you squeak, though it's true. you always feel better every time you talk to her.

"i'm glad." her giggle morphs into a smile.

"dinner's ready, ladies!" you hear your mom yell from downstairs.

katie is the first to stand up, lending you a helping hand as you land back on your feet.

"maybe mom's cooking will make you feel even better," she says, knocking into your shoulder playfully on the way down.

the only thing you don't tell her is that san gave you his number.

-

ix. a little too much fun -- present

you should've known something was up when katie sent you out in the early morning on an errand run--the list making absolutely no sense from the very beginning and you can't believe it took you almost halfway through to realize.

you were ready to shout her name from the top of your lung as soon as you enter the house, when another round of confetti smacks you right in the face with even louder voices of 'welcome back'.

out pops both your parents from the kitchen while your sister and her fiance's assemble of friends come from around the corner of the stairs with a cake in her hand, the "welcome back home!" written in bright yellow icing.

you bite back the smile, your face buried in your hands from the embarrassment when they stop in front of you, hearing a laughter bubble from your sister.

"you guys didn't really have to do all of this," you finally say once you manage to contain the flush from the amount of eyes on you, even if they're familiar.

"trust me, we wanted to," seonghwa speaks, his voice you haven't heard in a while sneaking from beside your sister to next to you, his arms wrapping around your own to give a hug. "welcome back."

"well thanks. i appreciate it." you smile, taking the next few minutes to thank your own blood relatives before spotting your sister's friend right next to her the whole time who you managed to miss.

"i can't believe you didn't even see me," she complains in a fake offended tone after pulling away from the hug, the comment making you snicker in response.

"i'm sorry! the attention is overwhelming and you've gotten like a whole foot shorter," you tease.

she rolls her eyes and smacks you lightly on the side of your arm.

"or maybe you just got a foot taller. seriously, what have you been eating during the time away?"

you giggle, turning toward seonghwa's group of friends you absolutely haven't met once. your sister and him had gotten together a year just before you left and even when you did hang out with them, it was just him alone.

still, you're at least respectful, thanking all three of them one by one for coming and holding eye contact with the deepest voice of them all the longest.

-

"you know, i hope you helped mom out with the food," you poke fun at your sister, already on your second plate of japchae as you both stand in the kitchen and ocassionally peek into the living room.

"well duh. and of course, annie helped as well."

both your heads snap to your sister's friend on the couch who currently has on the biggest smile since she's got here, her leg brushing against one of seonghwa's friends who you found out no more than 2 hours ago that he goes by hongjoong.

"can she be any more obvious?" your sister snarks at the lovesick expression of her own friend.

you shrug amid slurping your noodles that you know if your mom was still around, she'd yell at you for bad manners. her and your father has decided to let you "younglings" be, as they said.

"i don't blame her, he's a catch," you say.

he really has been so well-mannered, being the first to speak to you amongst the three and asking you so many questions you were afraid he was just doing it to be respectful and polite, but you couldn't be more wrong.

it was like talking to another version of seonghwa who is just slightly more mature and artsy. not that your sister's fiance isn't neither of those, but hongjoong speaks like he's lived 10 of your life and has all the wisdom in the world.

you don't think you've ever met anyone you wanted to learn so much from within a 30 minutes conversation.

"oh definitely," katie agrees. "smart guy, too."

you raise an eyebrow teasingly, smirking the same time you briefly glance at her.

"you can't say that about your fiance's own friends."

she scoffs and shakes her head with a half smile at the remark.

"i'm just simply recognizing his taste in friends."

"hmm," you hum coyly. "well annie definitely wants a taste of his friend."

you both burst laughing in sync, once again stealing glances at said girl on the couch looking like she's somehow able to fall three levels deeper in love since the last time mentioned.

"you're too much, i'm gonna go bother seonghwa," your sister states still half laughing, taking one last sip of her drink before throwing it away about ready to head out.

"have fun."

"you too."

you watch as she walks over and smoothly invite herself into seonghwa and yunho's conversation--another friend with much fewer words but standing as the tallest of them all.

you haven't had much chances to speak to him but he's quite soft-spoken just from what you've seen.

as you work on finishing your food, having chose to stay in the kitchen after all because you quickly saw how loud and chaotic it was getting and preferred to observe, you see the last of seonghwa's friends making way over.

mingi.

the taller than hongjoong but not yunho. the one with the deep, raspy voice who has been even quieter and more mysterious, but now currently looking more approachable as he slides next to you for second as well.

"sorry," he mumbles as he lifts the foil paper from the tray of japchae, the timid and even shy delivery a complete contrast to his appearance.

"you're good," you assure, moving aside slightly, unable to help but watch him the entire time even though you shouldn't. you would hate it if someone watched while you were getting food.

he locks eyes with you over his shoulder unexpectedly, your gaze frozen in his for a second before you smile sheepishly.

"sorry," it's your turn to utter.

he chuckles lowly, now standing perfectly tall to reply, "you're good."

it's silent shortly only because you thought he's gonna go back to the living room where everybody is currently chatting amongst themselves.

"mingi," he introduces himself suddenly. "don't know if seonghwa told you."

"he did," you confirm with a gentle smile. "y/n, in case you already haven't read or heard about it for the 20th times today."

he laughs at your attempt to break the ice.

"nice to meet you, y/n," he says, his tone much more light and relaxed. "your mom's cooking is amazing."

"oh for sure. she's the best one i know."

"i'm kind of jealous she's your mom."

you snicker at the comment.

"your own mom don't cook for you or what?" you poke fun.

"i love my mom and appreciate all her efforts, but this is definitely the best japchae i've had."

you shake your head amusingly, taking another bite of your food you've been neglecting due to the amount of talking. not that you're complaining. you think it's just starting to get interesting.

"i should probably leave you to your food first," mingi speaks up, your eyes batting to his briefly.

"no, it's okay. i'm almost done."

but before he can even reply; before you can really appreciate how easygoing he seems to be so far, your sister's voice from the other side cuts the interaction short.

"y/n, come on! let's watch something!"

you shoot mingi a look, a subtle smile on both your lips before you two telepathically head to the living room together.

they all come to an agreement that since it's your big day, you get to choose the movie. and so you do.

you love romance flicks, anything cheesy really even if your reality is a different world in comparison, it never hurts to imagine once in a while. if it was just you, your sister, and annie then maybe.

but because the rest of the guys are here, you settle for the substance--none of them having any idea what it's about and so you just tell them a small, teeny white lie, saying it's a thriller.

technically, you're not far off.

"you are literally sick," annie comments after the credits roll in, the girl's face twisted and completely traumatized.

you feign innocence, shrugging. "i warned you guys."

"literally never trusting you again."

you laugh at that, scanning the reactions of the others and biting back even more amusement.

"who needs an appetite anyway, right?" hongjoong jumps in, looking about the same as the girl next to him.

"sorry hongjoong," you apologize with a cheeky smile.

"i told y'all she's a menace," your sister joins and you roll your eyes dramatically.

"you guys have absolutely no appreciation for the arts." even hongjoong. you're greatly disappointed.

"i liked it," mingi chimes, the only one of the bunch who has an ounce of light in him.

"thank you!"

-

you said you weren't gonna drink but gave into the peer pressure since it was 'your day', or whatever they kept saying to guilt you.

even worse, they made you take a couple shots before the actual game even started just because you made them watch such a disturbing movie.

that, plus more shots in with your sister's idea of "never have i ever", you think you're officially done for the night, excusing yourself to go catch some air since you're so lightweight, you're already feeling the effect when everyone else looks like they're just barely getting started.

your bedroom or what once was is probably a better idea but you don't want the night to end so soon, much preferring to at least admire the ocean's breeze and the nightly view from the back porch--something you know you won't always have the luxury to see.

the summer wind blows your hair across your face and it glides nicely against your skin even if it isn't exactly cool.

a minute of just settling in, you hear the door open behind you.

you're surprised to see it's mingi, a half smile on him and two shot glasses in one hand with the other holding the cheap buzzballz that's responsible for your current state.

"your sister asked me to come after you," he beats you to it, but it doesn't explain why the hell he's trying to get you even more drunk.

"and asked you to also bring that?" you nod to the items in his hands. your conscious slipping slowly and your words already sharper than they usually are.

"i thought it'd be a nice little icebreaker." he shrugs, sitting across from you and placing the items on the table.

you groan, eyes half asleep but shooting lasers at him with them nontheless.

"i don't know if you noticed, mingi, but i'm kind of tapped out already."

he laughs with that deep chuckle.

"you're fine, y/n. i can see you going a couple more."

you don't say anything at first, your glare only burning as if marking more holes into his forehead.

"you're an asshole," you blurt, to an even bigger fit of laughter that he has to bury his face into his arms before looking up again.

"hey, you made us watch that nasty ass movie."

"you said you liked it."

"i was just trying to be nice."

"well i'm sorry your small brain wasn't able to comprehend the beauty and message of such a film."

"small brain?" he repeats, his voice the highest it has ever been. "how old are we? you can throw a better insult than that. and for your information, i actually graduated top of my class in high school."

the way he says it, so teasingly and with mirth in his eyes. you might have not fall for it if you were all here.

"of course you're bringing up high school. you look like the type who peaked there."

he snickers, knowing it's a jab but it's the way you say it along with your current state. so serious and passionate yet so unserious at the same time, it's ironic.

"is that the game we're playing? drink if your assumption about the other person is wrong?"

"i don't know." your words are starting to slur into one another and he can tell it's catching up slowly but surely. "but i'm pretty good at reading people, so."

"good, then this should be easy for you." he smirks. "but first, you have to drink because i definitely did not peak in high school."

it's your turn to laugh; a low, giggle-like sound leaving your mouth.

"sure, if it makes you feel better," you quip, surprising him by not objecting, watching as he pours a small amount into the shot glass and hand it to you.

you grimace chugging it down, slamming it lightly onto the table after.

"your turn," you say, unable to believe it yourself you're actually going with it and his plan is actually working.

he quirks his lips, hand supporting his chin and elbow poking the table as he hums in thought.

you take the small moment in between to really look him over. he has on a pair of lenseless white glass clearly for aesthetic, his hair now loosely slicked back even though you remember it being more neatly done earlier, and his black fit complements his unique appearance.

his nose is the sharpest feature of all and your eyes really just linger on how perfectly prominent they are.

"i bet..." he says, snapping his fingers when something finally comes to mind, "you've only had two boyfriends in your entire life."

"and why is that so?" you edge him on, curious just how exactly he came to the conclusion.

"you just look like the type," he replies calm and collected. "the kind that thinks boys are gross and has cooties since elementary."

you chuckle.

"impressive how you manage to both compliment and diss me. unfortunately, you're wrong."

now it's you who's pouring into the shot glass, filling it just a little above halfway.

"i was so nice to you and this is what you're doing in return?" he pouts with a fake sadness that makes you wanna roll your eyes.

"you're technically sober. this will be nothing."

"no, they made me drink before i came out here."

"and now you're drinking again because you're wrong." you slide the glass over to his side, his dazed expression lasting only for a second before he chugs it down the same way you did.

"so how far off was i? by one, two? or am i way off and you're actually quite the heartbreaker?" he asks, that glee and mirth coming back stronger this time around.

"about one," you answer almost instantly. it feels like you'll answer anything at this point. "i've only had one boyfriend."

"oh you hate them even more than i thought," he teases with a deep chuckle.

"how about you, mingi?" you say, not a response to his comment but a question to challenge--a cunning look on you as you lean forward to utter, "you look like the type who's never had a serious girlfriend."

he smirks at the assumption, mimicking you earlier.

"and why is that?"

"you just give mad fuckboy vibes."

"you must feel like drinking then 'cause you're wrong once again. i've had six serious girlfriends."

you scoff.

"are they really that serious if you've had six. how do you even have the time."

"and how do you have nothing but time? tell me, what do you do with it?"

"i focus on my career and my skills. better myself for the future. dating is a waste of time and you just proved my point. why go through that many only for none of them to even work?"

"ouch." he plays pretend, his hand on his chest from the blunt statement. "judging by your response, something tells me you've gotten your heart broken, is that so? is that exactly what this is? tell me, who turned you into this person?"

he's only being dramatically of course, his tone played up and all though your state doesn't fully comprehend it, it's just funny how right on the nose he is.

it's the first assumption of the night he gets right, the short silence from you enough as evidence that it gets almost awkward after, but thankfully it doesn't due to mingi's ability to divert in times like this.

"i'm sorry, i was just trying to tease you," he adds, the once sarcastic and playful demeanor of his changing to a more serious one when he catches on.

"it's not that deep, really," you brush it off coolly, seeming unaffected and he's sure it's only because you've had one too many drinks.

he nods understandably, a different side of him since he's came out here to enjoy the night with you. every heartbreak is something personal and he would never forcefully try to get it out of you. especially in your state.

"that's okay. we don't have to talk about it," he assures, but is surprise when you shake your head.

"no. i want to talk about it."

"oh?" he raise an eyebrow, feeling like he's stepped into grounds he shouldn't be.

"yes." you nod. "san. san choi. i saw him again the other day... like what the fuck is he doing here. i'm so mad he's here again."

and that's the last of what you remember before you wake up the next morning with the sun slipping through the blinds and providing consciousness to just about the worst hangover ever. perhaps the only one.

you very rarely drink and made an exception to yesterday, but now you're on the floor of your old bedroom and no longer the back porch of last night, having absolutely no recollection of how you got here in the first place.

the notification sound of your phone that also somehow found its way right beside you goes off and you have to squint, rubbing at your eyes when you reach for it.

it's a text from a number you don't recognize.

im good lol. just woke up. u okay?

you squint even more, unlocking your phone and checking the full conversation for yourself, the realization of who it is almost nursing your hangover immediately.

san

hi

hiw sre you

srrry

im

these are strings of texts you've apparently sent yourself.

-

x. mistakes -- present

katie said mingi was the one who had settled you in, and the only thing worser than wondering what the hell you said or did last night in front of him is the sole fact you texted san.

it's even more impressive, thinking of how you seeked out that damn cup (your sober self fault for keeping it) and went out of your way to jot his number down.

as you're slurping away the soup katie made, wanting nothing more than for the headache to pass, you don't tell her the exact reason why you kind of wanna jump off a cliff right now and why it's not because of mingi.

"no but i promise, mingi won't judge at all. he's literally one of the nicest people ever."

you look at her through your eyelashes, still not very convinced at her attempts to calm you down.

you swear you're not drinking again after this.

"how did i look when he brought me in?" you ask.

"completely and utterly unable to walk," she answers, hopping between cabinets and counters as she prepares breakfast for your parents.

"and you just let a guy i barely know take me to my room?"

your sister scoffs.

"pigs could fly before mingi would ever even think about doing anything to you without consent."

you only lightly roll your eyes at that. know she's right but currently more ashamed than anything and projecting a bit.

"it happens," she tries consoling again. "don't you remember the last time seonghwa drank when he was over at your place?"

the visual does get a snicker out of you, biting your lips to hold back from laughing harder.

"yeah he was a mess," you mumble.

"yeah he was." she nods. "puked on your couch, almost broke your espresso machine, and started going on a political rant that now lives free in my phone."

"that's so mean of you to keep contents of your own fiance like that," you say lightheartedly, fidgeting with the spoon.

she smirks.

"i have it in case he wants to break off the engagement."

at least she makes you laugh for the time-being before you have to retreat back to your room and really think about what you've done.

y/n: i'm sorry, i was drunk last night 😭

you sent it with a beating heart, a part of you deep inside know you shouldn't engage but the constant embarrassment and anxiety loud enough to make you feel you have to explain yourself... especially to san.

going on youtube to distract and mindlessly scroll through the shorts having no plans for the day but for the headache to subside, you didn't think san was gonna reply so fast.

san: i figured lol

the response makes you feel some kind of uncertain way; the fact he already knew.

san: didn't think you'd be the kind to party hard

y/n: i wasn't. 🙄 it was barely a party and i normally don't drink this much

san: damn. it took you to this extent to finally reach out

your cheeks suddenly burns and it definitely isn't an effect of the hangover. he's getting too comfortable and so are you as well. you try to think of any reasons to end the conversation short.

y/n: yeah i'm sorry if i blew up your phone last night y/n: i gtg. i'll talk to you soon

pathetic pathetic excuse you're sure he probably doesn't even believe but it gets you the result you want, seeing him reply with a simple 'seeyou!'.

it brings about a dull melancholy to your chest as you trace the pattern of the plain ceiling, thinking about how different things are between you guys; how contrasting the dynamic is now.

how you two were the best of friends and knew just about everything and anything about one another, a day spent apart like another piece of you was missing.

and now, you barely know each other anymore. maybe you knew him, but not the person he's become within the past 5 years and that's one of the hardest parts: having curiosity.

wishing you can ask what he's been up, how his life is currently going, how he's doing... but you've come far enough to recognize no good is gonna come out of it. to your welfare or well-being.

and because you're lying when you have nowhere better to be, you think it's mingi's turn for an apology and thankfully he makes that part much easier when you go on instagram and see that he has sent in a request to follow you.

you've only just made the account this year after a whole lot of convincing from your sister and a few friends back home, but still wanting to keep your circle close, you private the account.

you accept the request and shoot him a quick message.

hey mingi. idk what happened last night but i wanna apologize for anything i might've done or said 😭 this is literally why i don't drink. also, thank you for taking care of me. i greatly appreciate it.

not even five minutes later, you're surprised when you see not a text but a call request.

"hello?" you say into the other line, a tad nervous and unsure because you have absolutely no idea what mingi has in mind. you also much rather prefer texting to calling

"hey, y/n!" his cheery voice booms through your phone, just as husky and deep as you remember but now also excited. "i saw your text."

you giggle nervously at that, the array of things you could've done last night once plaguing your mind.

"you don't have to apologize at all. plus, i was just doing what any good friend would."

he says it so lightly and proudly, you almost wanna believe there is no shame in making a fool of yourself in front of this man.

"also, sorry for the sudden call. i just like calling bettter. i probably should've asked beforehand," he adds.

"you're good," you assure with a more sincere giggle. "i do like texting better but whatever works for you."

"just let me know whenever you wanna switch to texting."

"yeah for sure," you answer, falling silent shortly because you really wanna ask about what exactly happened. you barely remember a thing. "so last night... what did i do or say before i fell asleep?"

the chuckle from him makes you just slightly more nervous before his teasing remark comes out.

"it's probably better i tell you this face to face. you free later today?"

the ominous wording aren't helping but you suppose you don't have a lot of choices.

"not today. i still don't feel so good."

"tomorrow?"

"tomorrow afternoon."

-

"we played a little game of assumptions if you remember that," he starts off, seated across from you on the bench.

the weather is nice today, a little breezier than usual and the park looks just as green as it was the other day with all the trees hanging over your head.

"i remember that," you confirm. you even remember bringing san up.

"you were also quite mean when drunk, but at least you were entertaining," he adds the comment amid the storytelling, bringing a cheeky smile to your lips.

"i hear that a lot."

"then you started going off about some guy named san. you sounded really passionate about it and got really emotional."

you're in the middle of swallowing down the lemonade drink in your hand but stopping entirely to glare at him.

"exactly how passionate and emotional?"

"like tears in your eyes at one point," he reveals so casually but your reaction is anything but that, about to spit your drink out at this point.

he goes on, "you were mad he came back? but you also seemed to care a lot about him though you said you wish you hadn't seen him again. you did say a lot of the same things but what i'm getting is that this guy broke your heart."

you're already facepalming when he isn't even done, yet.

"got you to your room and you kept grabbing at the empty cup on the table, saying you wanted to talk to him. i let you take the cup to bed and left downstairs to go tell your sister so i have no idea beyond this point."

it's both better and worser than you thought. better because at least you didn't do anything worse, but worser because you can't believe san has this much of an effect on you from just a single encounter.

"sorry you had to deal with that," is all you say, not even sure what to say.

he laughs, finding something so funny in the constant apologies.

"as i said, you're good. it was literally nothing, you weren't violent and the whole ordeal probably took less than 10 minutes."

you nod, the assurance making you feel a little better at least.

"did you have fun last night?" you change the subject, feeling like you've talked about san enough for the day.

you left in the first place because you didn't wanna think or talk about him anymore, and you returned because you thought you weren't gonna have to do neither of those but it's as if everything's suddenly become about him again.

"lots of fun," he answers enthusiastically. "it wasn't too crazy, just chill and lowkey enough for my liking."

"oh yeah definitely. i wouldn't have allowed any crazy at my party."

the comment brings a soft laughter from both of you, it syncing together perfectly.

-

"good evening." your mother's sudden voice from behind makes you jump as your body spins around to find all three of them at the dining table.

"good evening," you greet in return, taking off your shoes at the same time.

"you should sit down for dinner," your father comments.

you shake your head, sending both your parents a smile.

"it's okay, i ate when i was out with mingi. i'll be in my room."

you just settle in, only managing to change into a more comfortable shirt and some shorts when your sister comes bursting through the door.

"so how was your date with mingi today?" she says teasingly, a smirk at the corner of her mouth and arms crossed as she leans on the frame.

"it wasn't a date," you oppose, rolling your eyes. she always does this any time you're even remotely within a perimeter of the opposite sex.

she rolls her eyes even harder.

"okay but seriously what do you think of him so far?"

"he's cool." you don't hesitate in answering because you already know how you feel about mingi and it's not romantically like your sister wants it to. "he's also really nice and easy to talk to. plus, i won't always have to hang out with my sister for the summer."

"what's wrong with hanging out with me?" she questions, face twisted and tone offended.

"nothing. i just don't wanna look like a loser who has no one else but her own family."

"you do have no one else but us," she furthers the teasing.

"exactly. that's why i'm glad to have met mingi. so far, he seems like he'll be a great friend."

your sister looks so displeased; disgusted, it's almost entertaining.

"this is why you're literally gonna be single the rest of your life."

-

xi. the heart wants what it wants - present

you don't really wanna think or talk about san anymore and that's easy to do because he doesn't bother you for two days after, until he suddenly decides to and that's what makes it hard.

san: hey

san: i know this is out of nowhere but

san: i went to sunrise cafe and tried their new drink. i think you'll really like it

it takes you by surprise, the texts and your phone going off in the middle of helping your mother make dinner, you have to keep the act up for another hour; that it isn't bothering you and constantly lingering in the back of your mind.

why he's doing this and why was he thinking of you? why are you even thinking of replying back. why do you feel obligated to--your fingers thinking of what to type an hour and a half later when you're finally alone.

y/n: oh really? what's the new drink

why does your heart race with a forbidden excitement only for regret to rush in the very next second, your feelings and emotions switching back and forth, never settling on a single one.

san: an iced americano but they have it in caramel now

y/n: that sounds good. definitely trying it next time

maybe because you try to console yourself; justify his actions. because in all fairness, you two are no longer the people you were 5 years ago and technically you aren't on bad terms currently.

although you know you shouldn't. shouldn't let your heart cave and soften because of familiarity, because of courtesy... knowing if the roles were reversed he probably wouldn't give you the same leniency.

but do you continue to reply to his texts just a little bit. maybe just once or twice through the day that turns into two, then four, then now a week in a blink of an eye you feel you haven't even done anything remotely memorable except endure the deep sensation of guilt and regret that never leaves.

the texts during the first few days are basic and quite casual, asking how you are or how your day is going, nothing too remarkable. but come the days inbetween, conversation topics and questions stepping into more personal, intimate territories that makes you wanna stop.

still, stubbornly and against your character, you don't stop. at least not until mingi has an intervention... indirectly.

"hello?" you answer the phone call that surprises you the morning you decide you're gonna take a walk.

"hey, y/n!" his voice and excitement still the same as you remember, the last time you've spoken to him about a week ago.

"hey mingi." you giggle, never in your life have you met anyone as thrilled as him to talk to you. "you're in a good mood this morning."

"oh yeah. i woke up probably feeling the best in a while."

you smile, continuing the walk further away from the house, absolutely no destination in mind but going nonetheless.

"that's good."

"yeah anyway, i'm sorry i haven't reached out all week. been super busy and all that with the other guys."

"no worries. i've had quite a week myself."

"oh what did you do?"

you swallow the knot down your throat quietly, spewing practically the first thing that comes to mind.

"just hung out with my family, you know."

"that's good. you won't have a lot of time with them."

"yeah."

"but did you see the flyers all over town?" he asks, quickly going back to what he was gonna say, a part of you thankful for.

"surprisingly, no."

"apparently there's gonna be some kind of festival happening down by the beach four days from now. i was just thinking if that'd be something that interests you."

you quirk your lips, humming under your breath and even stopping in place to just appreciate the nature surrounding you.

"what kind of festival?" you ask.

"a beach festival?" he squeaks. "there's gonna be drinks, foods, performances, music, and many other things i'm sure."

"alright. why not," you say, a little too calm and indifferent for mingi's liking.

"i'd want you to go because you want to go and not because you feel like you have to go." he's starting to sound a lot more whiny; dramatic, you just laugh.

"okay, i really really wanna go, how 'bout that?" your voice raises a pitch higher with the exaggerated excitement that you know is making mingi roll his eyes from the other side.

"please, y/n..." he sighs.

"i'm kidding. i want to go, trust me. plus, it's literally so close to the house i'll be forced to live it even if i don't attend."

"good point. i'll see you then."

and just what are the chances that the day mingi asks you to go out somewhere, san does the same--after all the long and looming days of feeling like this was exactly what he was gonna do.

san: hey. i know this is sudden but i do want to take the chance and ask if you're down to meet up somewhere this week? it's totally fine and if not, i understand. no pressure.

and after staring at the text for a good 20 minutes, you type in the best response you can come up with; once again using your family as a way out.

y/n: i'm sorry but i won't be able to 🙈 i'll be busy with my family all week. maybe next time?

you already wanna go back in time just rereading the 'next time'. you don't even know why you would instigate such a thing when you're planning the exact opposite.

telling yourself that you're gonna cut down the communication and not enable this behavior any further when you can have a better summer with your family and maybe even mingi if he possibly wanna keep coming around.

have a summer actually worth coming back for after five long years; not one filled with dread and apprehension regarding the same person that made you leave in the first place.

san: yeah next time for sure

-

xii. when there was me and you - present

the first day after san had asked you to go out, you take much longer to reply to him; short, uninterested responses. eventually, you don't reply at all, at least not until a full day later.

the fourth day, the day you're supposed to be going out with mingi, he seems to have gotten the hint and stops completely--his usual daily text nowhere on your phone screen.

you feel bad but you don't want to feel bad. it's a pattern you recognize--that if choosing yourself is always gonna be the worser guilt, then so be it.

you had asked katie if she and seonghwa wanted to come along but they already got plans.

she once again teased you about mingi and you too have to once again correct her that just because a guy and a girl hangs out, it doesn't mean they're interested in each other romantically.

you weren't sure what to wear considering mingi told you to 'dress for the occasion', so you threw on a casual enough white ruffle maxi dress with a denim jacket over it and slipped on some platform sandals.

when mingi finally meets you at the house, he's dressed in a flashy hawaiian shirt with some shorts and slippers. his dark hair strands fall over his face nicely though loosely, and he has a pair of shades tucked on his head.

"hey," you're the first to greet, already at the front door and coming out the second he texted he's here.

he waves high in the sky, a goofy smile plastered on his face at that.

it's both a mystery and a miracle how you've only known mingi for not even more than two weeks and yet, everything feels so easy with him.

conversations flow smoothly, the dynamic between you two as if you've known each other longer, and there's not a mere beat of awkwardness even though it only makes sense logically.

the music is loud and so are the people, you don't think you ever remember such a small beach this lively before.

"how long have they been doing these kind of festivals?" you ask as you both walk along the shoreline, the sand digging into your shoes.

"they started just last year i'm sure."

because five years ago, you never knew this place to be anything but the daily noise of the wave, children screaming as their parents shout from their folding chairs, and the occasional beach volleyball games.

"that's cool. brings more life to this town," you say, scanning the surrounding of the sudden change in scenery.

people in more bold colors just like the man standing next to you and they're laughing; some dancing to the music, some with a drink in their hand, and some doing both.

the few torches are starting to grow brighter with the sun setting in the background, and with the time passing, more people also starts flocking to the couple food booths to fill their hunger.

"i like this town," he opposes rather calmly but somehow dramatically, interpreting your comment as an insult to the place that built the person he is today. he would be just slightly correct.

"i like it too, of course. i grew up here, spent 18 years of my life here."

"so you moved for college too?" he asks, the new information piquing his interest.

you quirk your lips. "something like that."

he nods in amusement.

"you're a mystery, y/n."

you let out a soft chuckle at that, shaking your head lightly in response.

"i moved back about a year ago," he navigates the topic effortlessly. "met hongjoong in college and found out we were from the same town, so when i finished, i came back to make music with him."

"music?" you tease him, your voice a tad higher and now looking him over. "i would've never guessed, but now looking at you, i see it."

he snickers. "what does that mean? do i look more like the kind of guy who couldn't do anything remotely in the field of arts?"

"well, you couldn't appreciate the movie i chose."

"hey, hongjoong too! and he's probably the most creative and artistic person i know."

"i knew i was right about hongjoong."

he giggles along with you, the questions and small conversation opener feels never-ending as you two continue strolling along the shoreline and admiring everything around you. it's been about maybe an hour and 30 minutes at this point.

mingi asks if you're hungry and you tell him not quite yet although if he is, he should get something for himself but he's stern on not eating anything until you do.

you take the time and indulge in the familiar yet different setting since you've got here. staring at the sunset that paints the sky such beautiful shades of orange ranging to pink, the lights that's now multiplying from the darkness around you and just being here even if you haven't exactly tried anything.

you're grateful to mingi for inviting you because had he not, you probably would've just watched from the window.

after your eyes linger elsewhere for too long, you turn back to mingi just about to thank him when the familiar figure that somehow found its way behind mingi and into the blur of the background stop your words short.

it's those same dimples you'd recognize anywhere, along with a smile that makes his eyes crinkle in such a way that shouldn't feel like home. his broad shoulders sticks out and even more so because he's shirtless.

the only thing noticeably different about him from five years ago is he's gotten buffer; his figure now the body of a man made out of muscles and no longer the boy you knew who was much more scrawnier.

it's crazy, really. in the sea of people, you're still only pulled to him like the call of a siren.

he has a drink in his hand and he's talking to someone you don't recognize (why would you?). a girl. there's absolutely no way to tell what they're talking about but all you can see is that same look in her eyes when she's talking to him... a look you know all too well.

your thoughts are only broken when mingi calls your name after tracing your gaze to what exactly is so interesting behind him.

"sorry," you utter lowly, like you're afraid of being any louder. that you might just catch the attention of a certain someone you've been trying to avoid.

"we should go around to try the foods and drinks," you suggest suddenly, thinking of anything. maybe you're being a bit too paranoid.

not wanting another confrontation with san is a big reason, but also because you had told him you were gonna be busy with your family all week.

mingi agrees to the idea without much thought, nothing too out of the ordinary that would make him suspicious just yet.

so you do try the foods--some grilled chicken kebabs that's probably the best kebabs you've had in your life, you almost let your guard down.

following that are some blue mocktail drinks mingi orders from one of the two bars there; you telling him beforehand you're good with alcohol for a while.

you two take a seat at one of the few table benches they've managed to haul in for the festival; mingi's eyes traveling the surrounding with ease while yours have a slight fear to them but he wouldn't be able to tell.

there's not that many people--the town is small, but there's enough that if you lose mingi in the crowd, you'd have to really go out of your way to look for him.

"i have to use the restroom real quick," mingi announces when the after effect of the drink is already catching up.

"alright." you nod.

he gets up from the seat and throws the cup away, telling you he'll be back.

you watch the group of younger girls a few feet away play with their sparklers while you finish the rest of your drink, getting up to throw away the empty cup when you're finished and barely a step in the direction you came from when you hear the call of your name. the voice not belonging to mingi.

you already know who it is but it's like you wish you were wrong. still, you turn around to face him with a quickened but silent heart, swallowing down the tension built up in your throat just now.

he's alone and he's walking toward you, all the efforts to keep this exact scenario from happening gone to waste.

"hey," he says so casually, it's almost eerie.

"hey." you practically mumble it, cowering once again like you were still the shyer and more timid girl back in high school.

"i didn't think i'd find you here."

it takes you longer this time around to find a reply because you weren't expecting this. to meet him and have to explain yourself.

"i... yeah it was a last minute plan."

the air is thick, not due to the weather or amount of bodies but because of the tension slowly building up. and even with the amount of life going on in the background, it doesn't seem like any of that is gonna be able to breathe an ounce of liveliness into the foreseeable future of this conversation.

"if you didn't wanna meet up, you could've just been honest," he ultimately breaks the pretense after the momentary silence.

and for the first time ever since this summer; ever since you came back and ran into him and texted him, you feel you're just finally seeing the san you knew. the raw and uncensored boy you've known since the first time you met him on this very same beach.

the one who was never afraid of anything, his heart always on his sleeve and with a mouth just as fearless as he is.

one who would never hide behind acts of being okay with something when he isn't, and definitely not someone who's soft-spoken and capable of giving leeway.

and when he says those words, it's like he broke an unspoken rule: that after all these years of not seeing and speaking to one another, you still can't address the big elephant in the room. you just have to walk around it. act like it doesn't bother you.

so you suppose you're a hypocrite because san wasn't the only one following the rule.

"if i was honest, i probably wouldn't have even talked to you back at the cafe."

the walls tumbles down completely at your response. there's no more barrier and you realize you're both not facing the each other of today but the each other of five years ago and everything that came before.

frankly, you don't even know the san of today. he doesn't know you as well.

so all the pain and history of the past seeps through and onto the surface--the both of you staring the other down for only a few seconds after what you said, but time seems to have stopped temporarily.

"i understand your feelings, i do. but there's just one thing i can't seem to understand."

you only watch him wrestle with his words, like the tip of his tongue unable to cooperate with what he has in mind. but also because you wanna hear what he has to say. what exactly san fails to grasp.

"i can't understand why we still can't be friends," he drops, the statement garnering such a strong reaction from your inside though he says it so innocently; lacking of any intent to actually make you feel the way you are right now.

so he goes on, through the indifference in your face and clamped mouth.

"we were good friends before. best friends. we did almost everything together. we understood each other like no one else did."

you thought he's done but he just keeps going.

"i long for something like that again. despite the shortcomings, despite the flaws."

and you realize, he says he understands but he really doesn't.

"i kno--"

"because i'll just end up liking you again!" you cut him off, your delivery so stern yet filled with so much hurt at the same time. "is that what you wanna hear?"

he looks at you, frozen in his spot and suddenly it feels as if someone has glued his lips together, his mind unable to think of anything to say.

"and why would i wanna subject myself to that again... when you don't even like me."

the way in which your voice thins out sends a chill through his body; something so eerie but also painful in it when you lock gaze with him, your own suddenly turning cold.

then he sees them wander behind him, your pupils swelling in what looks like surprise before offering him an unreadable expression.

"i have to go."

and just like that, you brush past him; san only blinking as he watches you approach some guy before walking off with him.

-

at the moment, you can't hear anything but the washing of the waves from the ocean and the distant music of the festival nearby.

the only words you've spoken to mingi since walking all the way here was a suggestion that you guys should probably find somewhere to sit. far away from the noise and far away from everything... at least for the time being.

mingi is the first to speak up.

"i'm sorry. i came back from the restroom and saw you were talking to someone. i wasn't sure if i should step in or not, or if it was someone you knew and i would be intruding if i did."

you have to suck in your breath first, but you do answer.

"seriously, mingi. there's no need for you to apologize. i'm just... trying to process my thought for now."

he hums an acknowledgment, hesitating but deciding to speak further.

"i'll give you more time then."

"no," you assure. "perhaps i might be able to process them better if i talk to someone about it."

"for sure. i'm down to talk about anything."

the first smile after a while loosens on your lips, mumbling, "thank you. you don't know how grateful i am. just you being here and listening."

he turns to you and meet your own eyes, his smile in return makes you feel safe. comfortable. like you can really talk about everything and anything and he won't judge.

"well," you start, "let's say you grew up with someone almost your entire life, the two of you like two peas in a pod... then one day, she doesn't wanna be friends with you no more because she likes you."

you feel like you're absolutely weirding him out with the way he's raising an eyebrow right now.

but you have always felt like this... like you were being overdramatic; your actions unjustified. the feeling comes and goes, flip-flopping all the time depending on circumstances.

and in this moment, especially after the confrontation with san just now, you can't help but let the guilt consume. maybe you just need someone to tell you again; validate your actions.

"so do i like her too, or?" mingi asks.

"you don't."

he quirks his lips to the side, both his arms resting on the bench as he relaxes back in what looks like some deep thinking mode.

"i mean, i guess i would understand?" he says, snapping his head to you and your blinking lashes. "everyone is different and it's up to them to decide what they're okay and not okay with, and if she decides she can't be friends anymore due to it then who am i to invalidate her feelings."

he goes on to add, "someone told me once before that you can break up with anybody for any reasons... even if stupid."

you break out a quiet chuckle.

"you sound so much like my sister."

"maybe that's why we get along so well," he quips, nudging you by the shoulder that makes you chuckle just a little louder.

"maybe. but we also fought a lot, so."

"i mean, what siblings doesn't fight? it's all what makes the bond stronger."

"oh for sure," you agree. "it definitely made us closer."

the giggles from you and him rings perfectly together, now carried away from the original topic but glad to have just this smidge of peace before he goes right back into where he left off.

"i hope this isn't too much but, was that guy san?" he asks carefully, surprised when you nod almost immediately.

he knew this guy meant something special to you--he must if you're spewing his name and things about him while under the influence. but he didn't wanna ask, though his ears and curiosity did wanted to pry just because he's nosy.

figured you'd tell him when you're ready so there was no need to go digging.

"and by chance is this story of you and him?" he arches an eyebrow at you teasingly with you avoiding his gaze as if in a banter.

"maybe..." you utter.

he opens his mouth about to say something, when the fireworks from the festival sets off and gives you both a jumpscare. the small few seconds of terror turning into amusement when you both break into echoes of laughter.

you tell him about san. not a lot, but enough. he walks you home and make jokes about the suppose tension everyone thinks you and him have, assuring you he sees you as a friend and that there are absolutely no need for any awkwardness.

you laugh at that too, before sharing the feeling is mutual.

he admits he thought maybe there could be something at first, but that's okay. he doesn't tell you the reason why and you don't ask.

after waving you off, waiting until you disappear inside the house, he doesn't tell you it's because he thinks you still have feelings you've yet to come to terms with.

-

xiii. the last summer i dreamed of you - before

there were a lot of things you thought you knew better just because you were legally an adult, and maybe that was true to an extent.

your cooking got better, you were starting to be more independent and be away from the watch of your parents and older sister, and you were now allowed to do things you weren't able to a year ago.

you thought you knew pain as well. you did. you went through it twice. not the physical ones that brought about wounds and bruises on your body, but ones that pierced your heart and soul yet no one else but you could see it. a different kind of pain... you knew that as well.

you just didn't know that wouldn't be the last. that there could be another different kind of pain... just worse. you eventually came to know that as well, just like the many things in life that would come without warnings.

that second semester of college when san introduced you to his third girlfriend, hana, you also hadn't seen it coming.

she was real cute, a girl next door type and with a welcoming smile who accepted you into her arms the minute she found out you were the childhood friend san was talking about.

you were skeptical to say the least, given the track record of san's past relationships and how the two that came before her felt about you.

you were skeptical until you weren't, and you absolutely hated the fact.

their relationship wasn't premature and unserious like san and cathy's, but it was everything intense and intimate like his with mina without all the toxicity. without everything that doomed that relationship.

she also wasn't like cathy or mina. if anything, she was probably one of the nicest person you've had the pleasure and displeasure of meeting.

small gestures like always inviting you any time it wasn't a date when san himself didn't even think of you, and doing disgustingly cute things like always fixing san a lunch because he often forgot to eat when on campus.

she was too unrealistically perfect that the only thing worse was you thought she was even more perfect for san.

then, you felt like you were out of your mind.

your life was fine. your parents were healthy, you were healthy. your relationships with your family was also fine; in fact, it was more than fine. you also had a lot of privileges that many didn't. you were able-bodied and in a time of your life where you had the world at the palm of your hand.

yet, you felt empty. unfulfilled. your grades weren't awful but they were also slowly slipping with you.

that period between your first year of university coming to an end and the start of summer, you turned into the worst person you have ever been your entire life.

you became bitter. petty. resentful.

no one knew because you hid it well, but the part of you that knew better couldn't allow yourself to stay like that.

to let your emotions and desire ruin you; to let this heartbreak define you because deep inside, you knew it was wrong to hope they break up. hope it doesn't work out, and that she was actually a scheming bitch all this time.

so you did the only thing you could do: you ran away.

just right before the semester ended, you had quietly applied for a transfer to another university a couple hours away--in a town you could see yourself in; a life you could see yourself living.

you just needed something different. something that told you there was more to live for than winning the heart of someone who belonged to another person. someone who would never be yours.

someone who was a dream that no matter how hard you tried and no matter how much the efforts, it wasn't something you could get better at--for love has to be natural. reciprocated.

you had also spent so long in the small town, knowing nothing but the comfort of the ocean and san's presence, it could do you good to see another world.

and in another way, you felt you were doing both san and hana a service. they didn't need someone who was so pent up in her own bitterness. you trusted in her to make san happy. you would want him to be happy... you grew up with him after all.

that summer after finishing your first year and just right as it was finally getting hotter, you left the old town for good--the last remnant of you besides all the memories in your parents house, was a letter you addressed to san.

and so you went and took all of your dreams with you; the ones that were still possible at least.

-

xiv. the summer you finally dreamed of me - present

the night of the festival really does feel like it was the final nail in the coffin between you and san in an unsettling way that brings about a dull melancholy to your chest... you hate admitting that.

like it unofficially being the second time you leave him.

too lost in your thoughts and trying to make sense of everything, you forget he still has your phone number until to your surprise, a series of texts from him shows up out of the blue.

san: hey y/n. i hope you won't be too upset upon seeing this. i really thought about it a lot before eventually deciding to do so. i thought about it so much it was practically all i thought about. but there are just some things i want to tell you and let you know since i feel i wasn't able to the last night we talked. it was all so sudden and in the moment and like everything was moving so fast.

san: i really really want to talk to you at least just once before the end of summer. i want to have a proper conversation. a real one this time, about everything.

san: if you're okay with that, i'll see you this monday at where we always used to hangout. if you're not, that's also fine. it is your choice, but i'll be there until sunset.

you only stare at it, rereading it more times than you should, but you don't reply. not today, tomorrow, or even the day after.

you spend your days with your family; going out with your parents and sister. sometimes you'd go out with your sister and seonghwa if they want you to tag along.

the other times, you talk to mingi here and there plus the few friends from back home who wants to know how it's going. but still, you don't reply to san--though the texts lingers. it lingers when you're sitting across from your parents eating dinner.

it lingers when you're watching your sister and seonghwa sweet talk each other, and it lingers even when mingi's voice is the one echoing through your phone.

it follows you like a shadow no matter where you are or what you do.

-

you have wanted to avoid the place because of the memories attached to it. the nostalgia that sweeps your soul in the most bittersweet way.

you wanna say it looks the same but it doesn't really. even when you were here the last time, some parts of it were already starting to chip away.

the ocean and the seagulls are loud in your ears but your heart is even louder. it pitter patters and jumps around your inside, showing no signs of stopping because you're only walking closer.

too much closer that there's no way he can't see you coming anymore and it's evident in how he spins his torso around for his eyes to land on you, his own fluttering lashes matching yours.

the sun hasn't quite set yet, but the horizon looks ready for it.

as he stares up at you and you stare down at him, neither speaks until he clears his throat and moves aside slightly, mumbling for you to take a seat.

it's the loudest few seconds of silence and especially more so because his gaze doesn't leave you.

"you came," he says in awe, gaze still starstruck as if melting into your face.

"yeah," you reply simply, managing to somehow dodge the topic. "it feels... weird, to be sitting here again." you look down at the water beneath your feet, lightly kicking it the way you always did just to see. just because you haven't been here in so long. but you can see the amount of green algae that has multiplied over the years and stuck itself onto the side of the small cliff.

he turns to the side just briefly to grab something, suddenly extending the drink in his hand out to you.

"i got this for you, but... most of the ice is melted by now."

you can see the condensation wrapping the plastic cup and seeping into his hand, a subtle smile grasping your lips, uttering a low 'thank you' as you take it from him.

he adds before you can say anything, "don't worry about it. i bought it knowing the chances of you not showing."

he watches as you take a sip, your reaction hard to tell at first until he sees the little raise of your brows and the swelling of your pupils. that was usually how he was able to tell whether you liked something or not.

"is this the caramel flavor you were talking about?" you look up to ask him.

he nods. "i thought you should try it at least once. i don't know if you ever did."

"i haven't, but i'm glad you thought of me. i'm sure it tastes even better when freshly made."

he can't tell by the tone if you're teasing him or not, but he does lighten up a bit; having initially felt so on edge about the situation and circumstances, he's glad it's going a lot smoother than expected.

it feels like a completely different world from yesterday and all the days before. you and him feel like completely different people from the ones you were during that night, as if being enclosed in a space nobody else can reach allows you to see another version of the other person. a more pleasant one, one usually much closer to home.

when you go to take another sip, it takes everything in him to muster up the courage to really ask, "what made you decide to come out?"

you freeze along with the drink in your hand, swallowing down the knot in your throat before answering, "i wasn't going to, but... i guess i was just curious about what you want to say."

curious for the girl five years ago and all the time before that. for the part of you that is still familiar with him; for the small space in your heart you have reserved for him, and that although everything has become memories--some sweet, some bitter, some touching, some heartbreaking--they're still memories you and him once shared.

you want to hear him out not as the boy who broke your heart many times (most of them by your own delusions and doings), but as the one friend you've known the longest. one who decorated and filled your childhood and most of your life with his presence.

"well, thank you for giving me this chance," he says, sincerity all over his face and tone, you don't quite know how to feel. san has never been this 'gentle' with you, ever.

the response prompts a dry snicker from you as san stares in confusion.

"i think that's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me," you say only lightheartedly, but san knows you're right and it isn't even exactly a compliment.

his cheeks flushes shyly, almost embarrassingly.

"yeah, i was really mean to you growing up," he admits. "you were just easy to make fun of. i'm also sorry about that."

you scoff. "what does that mean?"

"you were always way too nice and soft-spoken, but you were also super clumsy and awkward," he lists it out and now you're the one feeling the heat. "but some of those qualities made you a great friend. i wish i would have told you that even once before."

your cheeks still pink but no longer from embarrassment but at his words that somehow touches the deep part of you and makes you feel something you haven't ever quite felt from san.

"i wish i would've complimented you more. tell you all the things i like about you. that was my biggest regret."

you're stunned by how he just keeps going, your heart suddenly growing louder but he doesn't seem to hear, and that foreign feeling only stretches the more he speaks.

"the thing i liked most about you was the fact you always knew what you wanted. what you like, what you don't like; what you wanted to be, who you like. and your morals--you always stuck to them no matter what," he continues to say, looking into your eyes and it's overwhelming.

it's a lot to process at the moment... to be appreciated by san for once.

"san, i... i'm not sure what to say."

but he shakes his head, calmly letting you know, "you don't have to say anything. i just want to tell you all of these things." before taking a deep breath.

like he has been holding everything in. like he has been waiting for this for too long.

"i know you're already aware that i wasn't sure what to do with my life for the longest time. i was always wishy-washy with everything and took things as they came, which you told me once that it was something you admired--but really, sometimes i wish i was more like you. because of it, i made a lot of mistakes."

he takes another breath. "i hung out with the wrong crowd, tried the wrong things, liked the wrong people..."

you don't even read into what he's working up to say, only quickly assuring him, "but that's part of life. you live and you learn."

"yes, but... i wish i would've met wooyoung sooner and not wasted time on shitty friends, i wish i found out what i liked sooner as well so i didn't have to switch majors twice, and... i wish i would have knew that i like you."

it's the first since he's started the speech that he's removed his gaze from yours, but if he was looking, he'd see the shock in your eyes from the biggest whiplash you got just now.

"i... i don't know if i believe you," you say under your breath, after managing to gather it together.

"i mean everything that i say," he confirms, his eyes burning into yours again and you're not sure you can hold onto the staring contest any longer. "after you left, i ended the relationship with hana shortly."

he knows he has to elaborate quickly from your reaction.

"she was a nice girl, probably the best i've been with seriously... but, it no longer felt the same without you around, it was weird. you leaving put a dent in the relationship and it was like this huge elephant in the room. she started saying things like i was upset because i liked you and you left, and then things just never really went back to the way it was."

"i'm sorry... i would never mean to purposely damage your relationship with anyone. i really thought she was the one for you. you guys were so perfect together."

"no, i understand you were just doing what you thought was best for yourself. it was me who ruined everything."

you don't say anything, mostly because you don't want to just say anything especially at a time like this. you want to console him but you also want to be able to process your own feelings properly at the newfound informations.

san's the one to speak up again.

"have you ever heard of the 80/20 rule when it comes to relationships?" he asks.

"that a partner can only fulfill 80% of your needs while the other 20% are things you must provide for yourself or find elsewhere?"

"yes, like how when people cheat, the grass always look greener because the new partner holds the 20% their original partner doesn't. but when they leave their original partner for the new one, it's a whole different reality to see they're now missing 80% of what they want in a relationship."

you're listening and trying to grasp where this is going when he stops briefly only to then say the next few words, "that was how it was with you and all my exes. except, you were always the 80%."

you have always been shy but you were never particularly shy around san, but you think he just gave you one of the highest form of flattery and you can't help but turn pink again.

"i got so used to having you around just running in the back and meeting needs and expectations i didn't even know i had, i only realized it when you were gone. the relationships were great for the physical aspects and company but something was just missing..."

he opens and closes his mouth a few times, and you don't speak because you know he's not finished--that whatever he's working up to say, he's struggling with.

"i wish i would have knew back then that you were the one."

the tension in your throat is the tighest it has ever been, your eyes are starting to become watery as you try blinking it away the same time something suddenly comes over you.

"is that why you've been coming back here every summer?" you ask, making the connection just now because if you wanted to get out of this town, san probably wanted it even more.

a gut feeling always in you that there was another reason why he kept coming back. you just never would've guessed it would be because of you.

he doesn't confirm nor deny though the smallest twinge of shyness shows on him, but he still goes on to pretty much prove that you're most likely right.

"after i got the letter, i went to your parents house to see if by any chance you were just playing a sick joke and was still there. but katie answered the door and said you had already left. i asked where and she wouldn't tell me. you also changed your number exactly as you said you would in the letter and you never liked social media that much so it was as if your existence was suddenly erased and there was nothing i could do about it."

hearing him lay out all of the things you did is different... eye-opening in some ways. you know you probably shouldn't feel it--guilt--your sister and mingi both against it, but you do feel it. it claws from deep inside and make it home on your chest.

"i sound like a horrible friend," you murmur, voice dropping even lower.

"no," he objects, "i believe in all fairness, we both have our own faults wherever it is. me more than you by a long shot... the friendship haven't been perfect and we learned some lessons the hard way."

you nod, a light smile on your lips when you turn to admire the sunset now in front.

"i would have to agree," you say, attempting to lighten the mood as you meet his gaze again. "we both have our own faults and did horrible things to each other."

"well, i did horrible things to you and you just retaliated."

it's twisted of you to laugh, but you do, feet again kicking at the water while roaming the beautiful scenery from the seated position. the birds flying over ocean, the pink and orange splash of colors in the sky, the sound of the waves that reminds you of your belonging, and with san next to you--it does feel as if you've gone a few years back into the past.

"but yes," he says out of the blue after a moment of comfortable silence, your neck snapping to him. "i've been coming here every summer since my family left because i hoped to see you just one more time. i don't care if you no longer have any romantic feelings for me, i just really wanted to see and talk to you again because you're the best friend i've ever had. when we met again at the cafe, i thought i had hallucinated you."

you're unmoved for only a few seconds when you abruptly start giggling.

"what?" san asks, confused.

you shrug your shoulders teasingly. "you're just... so different now. you're much more introspective and wiser, nothing like the san before."

"i have always been introspective and wise. i just needed a little push to get that out of me."

you scoff at that, moving your gaze to the horizon just so you don't see that smile on his lips that you still love. but when you do give in with just a small peek, he really has gotten so handsome over the years, you kind of hate it.

"so did you regret coming out after all?" he brings up, his tone much lighter. the mood is good right now.

you quirk your lips and raise an eyebrow as san studies you with another smile before finally drawing a response, "i've yet to make up my mind."

-

xv. epilogue - present

as you put your phone away for the night, rolling your eyes and shaking your head at san's goodnight text, you think about your dreams again.

how small they were when your age was in the single digits and how naive you were. in some distorted way, you were probably the happiest then. oblivious to the hard truths of the world and in the growth your dreams was only gonna get the older you were.

you might had been the happiest then, but you still won't trade it for the life now. you've learned so much and if anything, you wish to tell your younger self about all of the dreams you've accumulated so far and that you still don't ever wish to stop dreaming.

you'd also want your younger self to have dreamed more, but just so she knows...

that sometimes, you'll outgrow a dream and that's okay. you're changing all the time and it's only natural to no longer want something that doesn't align with the person you are currently.

if you had pursued everything, you'd be a mixture of probably 10 different people.

but sometimes, a dream does come back and find you in the most unexpected way even when you've already let go of it. whether that's by spark of passion again or fate--whichever you wanna believe it is.

and sometimes, you find yourself still desiring that same dream you've once let go, but not all dreams are fitted or good for you. in the end, they're still just dreams, and it's up to you to really make it happen.

for you to decide if it's still a dream worth pursuing.

the more you look at him, the more easy on the eye he is--his features quite striking and unique, not a combination you've ever really seen on anyone before.

it's almost like you can still see all the resemblance of what was once your cat through them despite being very much human. his mesmerizing fox eyes and sharper bone structures a complete contrast to his cupid bow shaped lips that's probably his softest feature aside from his silk smooth skin that has a slight pink tint to them.

"san?" you utter, like you just have to make sure for one last time.

he nods, the smile that makes his eyes crinkled still haven't left; the answer clearing your throat in response as you lift your body off of him, the gesture confusing him slightly because he sits up and tries to follow you.

"sit," you instruct, your finger pointed at the floor with him listening almost instantly, staring up at you with a pout and blinking lashes.

you're just pretty sure that if he's naked from the waist up, he's also most likely naked from the waist down. you don't know how that works for someone in his case, but you don't wanna find out.

you're just glad he at least managed to cover himself up with your blanket in the first place even if you're struggling to visualize exactly how.

san's gaze follows you around the room, your figure searching over and under and especially repeatedly at the clothes in your closet like you've done this before and know all the protocols to when your cat suddenly turns into a human boy.

after rummaging for some time, all you're able to find is an oversized white t-shirt you haven't wore in a long time and a pair of shorts belonging to your father last time he stayed over.

"here," you say, holding out the clothes in front of him, but he just continues to stare. right... why would he know how to put them on.

putting it upon yourself to help him out with the shirt, you sit on your knees in front of him as you throw it over his head and luckily, he doesn't resist, his gaze entirely glued on you that you're surprised hasn't burned a hole into your skin.

if an actual man like him who wasn't possibly part cat, stared at you the way he does, you don't you'd make it through the way you are right now.

you know he's quite bulky and muscular; you could tell from just having laid on top of him, but you really feel it when attempting to properly fit the shirt around his torso, his shoulders having stretched most of the material when his waist is so tiny in comparison.

"there," you announce after finishing, standing up to grab at the shorts. "you're gonna put this on by yourself, okay? i'll show you how but i'll be going out after. you can knock or just open the door when you're done."

you give him a brief demonstration on how to put it on before leaving with your back turned to the door, hoping he at least does it partially right (and wondering once again if he even has any genitals).

when the frame creaks behind you, you're quick to turn around but you notice his height before his ability to follow instructions, towering almost a foot taller than you--this is the person you're gonna have to look after.

"great job," you compliment after coming back down, walking further out into the cramped living room with arms crossed. "i guess since you'll be here for some time, i should let you know a couple things. first thing first: no breaking stuff."

you stand beside the broken vase on the floor, nodding off to it with his clueless eyes following and lips not saying anything, of course.

"second," you go on, heading toward the kitchen to finally close the fridge that hasn't been much of a priority considering... everything else, "if you're ever hungry or want anything to eat, you have to let me know. no digging through the fridge or anything for that matter. got it?"

you look at him sternly, your pose making your appearance all more intimidating as he comes to a slow nod after some time. you feel like a grumpy grandma lecturing some innocent kid.

"perfect. and lastly," you close off, this time walking to the front door, "no going out unless i say so. and most importantly, don't ever open the door even if there's knocking. i have the key and i'll be the only person going in and out. got this, too?"

he nods once again.

in any other cases, these restrictions might seem straight up abusive, but you believe it's appropriate in this scenario because you only have his best interests in mind, you promise.

"okay."

you do one last once-over of the room just to be sure you're not forgetting something, honestly surprising yourself you're even able to come up with these things on the spot.

"unfortunately, i do have work in a bit so i won't be here for a while. what do you like to do?" you ask, at this point pretty much talking to yourself because it only makes sense he doesn't answer or even remotely know what he likes, the way in how he looks at everything as if it's his very first life (and it could be).

"that's fine. we can try to find something."

you guide him by the wrist, sitting him down on the couch before going in to retrieve your ipad from the bedroom, plopping right next to him after and shoving the screen in his face.

pondering for a hot minute on what to even put, you eventually settle on some asmr videos, the act of watching his reaction and having to hold onto the ipad literally gives you flashbacks to when you'd babysit your 4 year old cousin whenever you paid your parents a visit, it's actually a little bizarre.

his eyesbrows pinches themself together, initially intrigued but not too long before lifting his arm out of his lap to click another video much to your surprise and amazement.

but even that one doesn't hold his attention for long, too, and when he repeats the action the next three times, you're sure he gets more joy out of clicking than the videos themselves.

"okay, no more," you say at the same time he tries doing the same thing, jerking to your side with the ipad out of his reach, much to a confused glare and pouty lips from the boy.

"what does cats even like to watch?" you mumble.

and so your fingers just stupidly type in cat itself, picking a compilation video once more to see his reaction--nothing at first until a few seconds in when he finally cracks a smile, swiftly glancing at you and pointing to the screen but not clicking off.

he was cute when he was a cat, but you don't know why he has to be cute in his human form, too. and, he has dimples.

"here." you pass the device to him, guiding his hands in how to properly hold it before standing up from the couch. "i have to do a few things."

he tries getting up and following you but you're quick to tell him to sit and you're thankful he's at least obedient.

you were also worried you were gonna have to constantly keep him stimulated but he's doing it all on his own, giving you just enough time to clean up after the mess he made and get a few things in order until you have to leave for work.

he just had to transform on a day you're gonna be busy, but at least it's a friday and that means all and any concerns can be dealt with tomorrow.

as time runs closer to the inevitable, you pry the ipad out of his very engaged eyes since you need to teach him the ways of survival before having to leave him to fend for himself.

you show him the bathroom, where to get the leftover you're leaving out in case he gets hungry, and you even reiterate all three rules you enforced earlier (making an exception to the second in this case) just so it's more freshly ingrained in his head.

and of course, he tries following you out the door even if you sat him down beforehand because you knew that was exactly what he was gonna do.

"i'll be back soon. please try to stay safe."

those were the last words you uttered to your cat-turned-into-human boy, hoping and praying he listens because you'd like to think you did everything to the best of your ability within the given 2 hours.

you try to not let it bother you at work but it does, unable to relax easily even while doing mundane tasks--the thought always at the back of your mind and wondering how he's doing.

you feel bad having to leave him behind but there was no other way around it. and it's not even until a few hours into your shift that it really hits you that a mere kitten you took home yesterday who was barely big enough to fit into your embrace, is now a grown ass man who weighs more than you.

you've heard whispers and passing words before about these kind of creatures but you always brushed them off as nothing more than a cautionary tale--a myth and fantasy people loved to make up amongst other things.

when your break finally comes around, you do what any reasonable person in your situation would: you google it.

frankly, you're not even sure how to put it to words or where to start.

my cat turned into a human boy

and just as you predicted, the search leads to nothing but cartoons and fictions of such an idea, you're even beginning to doubt the reality you're living in.

it feels like both the slowest, yet fastest shift of your life. slow because you can't get home quick enough to san, but fast because mindlessly and mentally drifting off helped in passing time, glad it's over with when you finish the very last task of the night by flipping the shop sign to 'closed'.

the night is cold, your breath fogging up the air and you were hoping you'd get to enjoy the winter tomorrow, but now, you're not so sure about that either.

as you get closer to your apartment, you're already concerned seeing the pitched darkness from the window. you didn't even think about teaching san how to turn on the lights before you left.

with quick and worried steps, you hurry up the stairs and unlock the door, the slight creak of it the only sound in the quiet night as you're faced with expected blackness before flipping on the switch to your empty living room.

"san?" you call out, the smallest chill running through your body the same time you hesitantly close the door, treading around the place like you're in some unfamiliar territory.

everything is pretty much the same as you left them, staring across the room to find the leftover on the kitchen counter untouched before snapping your head to the ipad on the couch that's sitting on the exact spot where san was.

the battery is at 32%, failing to recall the number when you had given it to him, just that it was somewhere around the 80s meaning he at least must've been on it for some time.

"san," you try once again, heading for the last place he could possibly be since your apartment is so small and your bathroom was wide opened with him obviously not being in there.

you swear, if he had ran off, you're gonna--

"meow."

but he's here, sitting on the edge of your bed. except he's no longer the human boy you were prepared to face, but now the same small and white kitten you found last night.

you breathe in relief, watching the way he immediately jumps off the bed to sit still at your feet until you scoop him up into your arms, stroking his head with a calmer heart.

"you scared me."

the clothes he was wearing earlier are piled on the floor just off to the side of the bed, and you're wondering exactly when did he changed back.

walking back out, you set up the kitten food with him still in your arms, thinking at least it isn't gonna go to waste. you were afraid that was gonna be the case.

"eat up," you say, setting him down softly onto the carpet. "you didn't eat anything all day and i have to take a shower. i'll be back."

he purs lowly when you start walking away, turning to glare at you instead of eating, you have to shush him before quickly assuring you'll once again, be back.

yeri would always used to ramble on about why she prefers dogs to cats; that they're more loyal and cats are less likely to give a shit about you. but this one in particular seems to be quite affectionate, running with his small feet the second you come out the bathroom and proceeding to follow you around the house. or perhaps that's just the one of the quirks of being part-human. they get attached more easily.

"we're gonna have to get your human counterpart more clothes tomorrow," you speak to him, laying on your side as he switches between running around the bed and playing with your face.

once he seems to have finally settle, sitting in front of you with the cutest pair of eyes, you give his head one last rub while mumbling, "i think i like you better this way." sighing briefly and letting the tiredness of the day take over.

--

whether it's because it startled you to see him first thing in the morning or the fact you've been so deprived of a man's touch, you're squealing in panic as your feet kicks him off the bed with his human body rolling a hard thump onto the floor.

it obviously jolts him from sleep as he sits up to groan in pain, staring up at your figure on the bed before speaking his first few words that takes you by an even bigger surprise.

"w-why'd you do that for?" he rubs the back of his head. his voice much mellow and softer sounding than you expected.

"you can speak?"

you see the almost dazed expression on him, his gaze slightly aloof for a few seconds like he has to digest and decipher what you're saying first.

"i think so... listening to you talk... i learned from it."

he still speaks slowly and carefully, stumbling over every syllables but at least he's trying and for the most part, he's comprehensible. but now that your human cat boy can talk too, you're just thinking of all the possible chaos that has unlocked.

"okay, new rule: you can't sleep on the bed in this form." you gesture your hand up and down toward his body, unsure of how to even go at it.

"no?" he points to himself and you nod in response.

"yes, no."

"why?"

you'd think the cat boy you took under your care would obey by your rules considering he most likley knows next to nothing about the world he's in (but then you don't really know him, to be fair), but he shows curiosity and even has the guts to question you.

"because i said so," is all you say, hopping off the bed to lend the boy on the floor a helping hand. "and i'm sorry. you scared me."

he only blinks, staring at it momentarily before accepting your hand with you eventually having to use both to lift him off because he's so much taller and heavier--a reminder that's all too real when he's standing in front of you.

and you just noticed, but he isn't naked. he has on the same shirt and pair of shorts you gave him yesterday.

"did you... put that on by yourself?" you ask, your eyes lowering to his outfit that he follows, nodding to your question.

"yeah. you didn't seem to like it too much yesterday when i didn't have anything on, so i put it back on as soon as i woke up."

you take longer to reply, a look of endearment crossing your face with a smile on your lips, honestly quite impressed.

"good, you're learning," you compliment.

with that being said, you do wonder exactly how long has he been laying next to you?

it's not the most efficient, but it works for now--dragging san out into the cold as he's squeezed into some home slippers too small to fit and with the only outfit not suited for such a weather as you guide him through the slightly busy streets and to the nearest thrift store.

it sucks, but soon enough, he'll be comfortable and cozy in no time.

"you cold?" you ask him as soon as you're both inside the small store where he can at least warm up for now.

"a little," he answers, though he looks fine but that seems to just be his natural state regardless.

"let's find you something."

you figure clothes for the winter are a priority, then two of each on everything else. you're not made of money and you're trying really hard not to resent san for putting you in such a spot. after all, you don't really have to but like any animals that you'd hypothetically rescue, you'd want to take the best care of it.

pulling him through the aisles as you wait for him to stop you any second now and tell you what catches his eyes, you always seem to forget that san most likely doesn't have an opinion or preference for anything yet, as he continues to only trail behind you with the same puzzled expression.

"how about this one?" you break the silence, picking up a brown leather jacket off the rack to show him but he only stares.

"okay then," you mumble under your breath, thinking it's faster to just do everything yourself at this rate, continuing to stroll along the aisles while san follows mindlessly as you pick and choose to the best of your ability, only occasionally glancing at him for measurements.

just as you're about done (lord knows what you've been picking out given you don't know shit about men's fashion), having gotten a little too immersed in the final pair of pants for him, you gasp when you see he isn't behind you for the first time.

"san?" you call out quietly, panic ensuing a tiny bit on the inside, going back the way you came just in case he happened to fall behind but much to nothing until you hear loud murmuring on the other side of the store.

"mom, what is he doing?" the voice belonging to a boy about middle school aged says, staring up ahead and looking absolutely weirded out. the rows of clothing racks obstructing the view from where you're at.

their voices grow clearer and louder the closer you get.

"mind your own business," the boy's mother responds, pulling him aside and hissing something about proper manners and etiquette before you finally see the sight for yourself, having found the lost boy you're looking for.

salivating all over the cat plush toy he's currently chewing on, you have no idea how he managed to get this far out without you noticing.

swiftly but gently removing it from his mouth, he glares at you almost offended like a kid getting caught doing something they weren't supposed to.

you grimace lightly when your hand starts registering the texture of the toy. he's pretty much drooled all over the thing.

"san, you can't just wander off without letting me know and you also can't just grab anything you want, got it?" you tell him sternly but keeping your voice soft because you don't wanna scare him too much. you understand everything is still new.

he just nods and you breathe in relief, grabbing at his wrist this time and not letting go the rest of the trip until the door of your apartment is standing in front of you.

you had no choice but to buy the toy given the state he has put it in, but at least it's another thing to keep him occupied as you work on putting the new clothes away and making the breakfast you had to skip out on this morning.

you make extra for san, unsure of whether he even eats in this form but it's about time to find out, telling him to try on one of the new shirts while you plate the food, when the sudden and fast unlocking of the front door rings throughout the apartment.

"hey!--" she's cheery but soon stops dead in her track at the spotting of san... shirtless and sitting on your couch staring up at her.

you have completely forgotten yeri has a spare key to your apartment.

a/n: took so long to write such a short chapter. sorry y'all 😭 this new (not rlly) job kicking my ass but i hope y'all enjoy and look forward to the next!

you love winter. you love the morning coffees and the cozying up in bed as the frost covers your window, watching the snowfall show outside in the comfort of your own home.

you just wish you were able to enjoy it. school and work has kept you so busy, the cold and the piling of your favorite season at your doorstep now an annoyance more than anything.

before moving to seoul, you had done so much convincing against your parents wishes, telling them you were gonna be fine although they've pretty much predicted your current predicament: overworked, stressed, and barely making it through financially--all the reasons why they were skeptical about you moving to a new city and living alone in the first place.

but your rents are paid, assignments always on time, and your stomach full on most days if you don't forget to eat all your meals. it's the little things you're still grateful for.

as you trail up the stairs to your apartment on the second floor, you thought the 'meow' you had heard earlier was an illusion from the long day of work, but when you turn toward the bottom of the stairs and set your eyes on a fluffy white cat seated at the end of it, it's good to know you're still at least sane.

"meow."

it's more like a kitten, so small and cute glaring at you with its wide eyes, hurling out another 'meow' that tugs at your heartstrings because what is it doing all alone in the cold on such a night?

now, you're absolutely not a pet person, having always been afraid of dogs and all--coupled with the fact you can barely take care of yourself, but you're not heartless.

you make ways back down the stairs slowly and surely to not startle it, bending down to rub its fur gently and cooing under your breath, "hey kitty, what are you doing out here alone?" as if i can understand and speak to you in return.

you do a last once-over of the area just to be sure you're not mistaken and its owner or mother cat happens to be nearby. you don't wanna be a catnapper now.

"meow," it purrs again as you continuingly rub the soft fur of the kitten's head, a smile plastered on your face at the adorable sight.

maybe you can take it in for just one night, or at least until you can find another shelter.

"i'll be taking you now, kitty. hold tight," you assure, lifting the small animal with the utmost care into your arms, surprised by the little resistance it displays.

luckily, you've cleaned your apartment a few days prior so it's easier to find things to set up a makeshift litter box with one of the packages you haven't thrown away and stuffing a bunch of napkins in the middle.

it's too late to run to any stores and you don't have the convenience of cat foods laying around in your cabinets since you've never owned one, so you make a small portion of scrambled eggs for the adorable thing instead, having combed the web to learn regarding the few foods they can have.

you wash up for the meantime to get ready for bed, finding it sniffing the bottom of your couch when you return, unable to help but giggle at such cuteness before picking it back up into your arms and sitting yourself down.

"what should i name you? i mean, if you're gonna be here for a bit, you deserve a name, right?" you smile, immediately attempting to come up with something not generic.

it's a boy, you know that. you checked earlier.

"mochi?" you speak into thin air, shaking your head after. "no. something a little less cute."

"minho? but there's already too many minho's."

you rock the kitten in your arms as you try again, about ready to give up and get some ideas from your phone, when the painting hanging above your small dining table sparks an even better idea.

"san," you say at the same time you look down at the kitten who resonates a small purr in response. "it means mountain. my dad gave me that painting because he hoped it could comfort me in times of hardships."

you glance at the artwork again, a canvas painting of the snowy mountains behind the grassfield full of flowers. your father loves nature and incorporating elements of it. he always says that in the toughest of times, to find the beauty in the things around you--small or big.

that if the mountains are still there, birds are flying, and the sky still hangs above the swaying flowers, everything is gonna be okay because the world keeps moving. so you suppose in some ways, the painting does help.

"yeah, san... that'll work." you stroke the kitten's head one last time, his silent purring ringing against your chest as he snuggles into your arms.

and when you're finally ready for bed, you lay a small blanket on the other side for san to sleep on, singing him a good night before closing your eyes.

--

the invasion of your face wakes you up, your own eyes met with the doe ones of the kitten you took home yesterday as its tiny paws continues to press at your skin.

"good morning, kitty," you greet, giving him a few gentle strokes on the head before setting him aside to get up.

he fortunately woke you a good few minutes before your alarm so you take the time to run to the nearest convenience store to get a few kitten foods--that you'll take the time in between classes and work to get some more later.

you make sure he has everything he needs before you leave for classes, reminding yourself to bring it up to yeri since she seems to know just about everything and what your next step should be.

"you sure he didn't happen to wander away from his mother?" yeri says across from you, her chin resting on her hand as her head tilts, the headband on her hair so perfectly placed.

"i don't think so, but i'll keep in mind for tonight. keep a lookout."

she nods. "yeah, and if not then call the animal shelter for sure."

she pauses momentarily before going on, "have you given him a name?"

"yes. san," you tell her with such excitement that she hasn't seen in a while. the last time she saw you this happy was when you found out yunho was gonna be going to dinner with your friend group.

"san..." she repeats after you, "well that's a unique name."

"oh, right." you sit up from where you were leaning, turning on your phone. "i took a couple pictures of him. are you able to tell what kind of breed he is?"

she squints her eyes, slouching slightly forward before falling into awe at the few pictures you managed to snap of the kitten just right before you hopped into the shower.

"awww. but you know, he looks weirdly clean for a potentially stray cat."

"that's true," you agree, just grasping the fact yourself. "you don't think it ran away?"

yeri shrugs. "best to just call the shelter and let them take things from there. but to answer your initial question, i think it's a persian."

"ooh..." you hum, intrigued, though absolutely clueless regarding anything else but it's good to know more about the animal you took in.

"by the way," yeri not so subtly brings up, "are you still coming to see yunho's performance on tuesday?"

just hearing his name already making your cheeks glow a soft pink, yeri always has to be considerate of the time and place when mentioning him.

"i don't know," you answer, when in all honesty you really really want to. but it's just so anticlimactic when he didn't invite you himself. "it'd be weird if i just showed up."

your crush on jeong yunho started the day you sat in the seat next to him of your foreign language class, having pulled yourself into that corner (literally) with no one else but a choice between talking to him or the wall to your left.

he had looked so intimidating at first, too tall and broodingly handsome, you were a little afraid he was gonna be stuck-up. but you couldn't be more wrong when he finally spoke to you for the first time, kindly and too curiously wanting to know his awkward seatmate.

that was when you found out he's a dance major and his commitment to the art only made your admiration grow. you've never met someone with so much passion and fire in their eyes before.

he made you look forward to the class despite not even liking the professor that much, all because you loved the small talk you'd have with him every other day.

that was last semester. now, you only see him occasionally through mutual friends--and even mutual might be pushing it a bit considering they're really only yeri's friends.

"so? he'd appreciate it still. trust me."

"i'll have to think about it."

you get more kitten foods on the way home, usually taking the two hours to either study or finish assignments (sometimes a nap) before having to rush to work, but you want to spend some time with your newfound temporary pet because you'll be stuck at work for the next 8 hours.

you open the front door slowly just in case it happened to wander nearby, not at all expecting that the sight in front of you will have your heart thrumming in anxiety.

because your apartment is so small, you can practically see almost everything from this angle--the vase that sat on your coffee table now shattered on the floor and there's a light coming from the kitchen.

keeping the door opened just in case whoever or whatever that did this is still in here, you follow the light, doing exactly what a stupid character in a horror movie would and calling out, "hello?"

your survival instincts are telling you 'no', but your curiosity are telling you to keep walking, seeing the source of the light is from your fridge that's parted all the way.

any moment now, you almost expect for someone in a mask and dark clothings to come out of hiding and hold you hostage, until...

"san!"

you run to the bedroom so fast, afraid that they might have taken your little kitty or done something to it, when you trip on what feels like a pair of legs--yes, legs--the second you open the door to the room.

everything already feels like a very vivid dream with the possibility that someone has broken into your apartment, and now you're staring right into very human-like eyes when you live alone.

"ahhh!" you scream at the top of your lung, hitting this man's chest that you've landed on--your panicked reaction making him do the same in response as his much deeper pitched voice mix with yours.

"who the fuck are you and why are you in my house!" you don't stop hitting until suddenly, he manages to grab ahold of both your arms with quite the ease, blinking at you with such innocence unfitting for the scenario.

"san," he mumbles, his speaking voice much softer and mellow to your surprise. "san."

you can only blink in return before creasing your brows confusingly. "huh?"

"meow." he moves one of your arms toward his head, settling your hand on his hair and continues to motion it up and down, until it hits you what he might be trying to do.

relaxing your hand to slowly brush at it following his lead, the smile he sends you after just more so confirms it.

you don't wanna sound crazy, but you think this man you're currently laying on top of with his bare naked chest out might be your cat.

you wish for every stray and abandoned animals in the world to find a home, somewhere to belong and to feel welcomed in the palms of their owner's hands--and that for every stray and abandoned kids to do the same--grow up to find their place in this world that with a lack of love, can turn even the strongest souls into broken pieces.

for there, love isn't just validation or appreciation--it is the knowing feeling that you matter, belong, and exist for something bigger than just yourself. and perhaps those things aren't so important for someone who's rightfully content in themself, but it might make the difference for someone who has nothing else to live for.

to matter, to belong, and to exist for a bigger purpose--everyone deserves to experience all these things, or at least deserves the chance to even if they wind up fallen in the end.

you're part of everyone, so what's with the irony that you feel you're the only one part of the demographic who doesn't deserve to be loved?

maybe the sentiment started when your mother left. your father calling her a 'fucking bitch' on her way out as the shattered vase painted the door a new dent and his screech filled the entire room before looking you in the eyes.

you were only eight years old then.

but he looked at you nonetheless. at your face and features that's a perfect mirror of your own mother--someone he now loathed with a passion, and all the scars and wounds on your body are the consequences of it.

for looking too much like her. for being your mother's daughter. for making his life harder. for simply existing.

or maybe it started with your first boyfriend. the first boy to give you real butterflies but also a broken heart.

you didn't know anything then--how to move your lips when you kissed for the first time, where to place your hands when hugging, or how to be someone worthy of being his girlfriend. you just knew you liked him.

but you were so carefree then, walking into the relationship wearing your heart on your sleeves and your soul bearing for him to see; no filter or anything, thinking that if you just be yourself, he'd like you just as much.

oh how wrong were you.

"i want to break up." you remember the day as clear as the weather that afternoon, the sun sitting high above the blue sky that was a little too harmonious while your entire world was crashing down in comparison.

"w-what? why?"

he didn't even have the courtesy to do it in person, the phone held up against your ear so tightly, you were sure he could hear the thrumming of your heart through it.

"because..."

"is it because i didn't go to that party with you last friday?"

or the friday before, and the one before that too. because you didn't like loud and crowded places or having to strike conversations with strangers. because you hated the smell of alcohol and especially how someone acted when they were under the influence.

"it doesn't matter why. i've already made up my mind," he answers almost instantly, but his voice rather calm like he must've practiced the exact response for the hundredth times.

because you weren't close with his friend group, all of them too extroverted and outgoing, you couldn't help but to feel out of place every time he brought you around.

but mainly because he finally listened to them... when they'd talk about how picky you are, how you thought you were too good for anything, and how boring you are... all while thinking you were a fool to their snarky side comments and patent dislike of you.

so it could either be your father or your first boyfriend, but it could also be your second boyfriend.

it's funny to think back to how confident you were at the time, ready to conquer love and all of its hardships, but your second relationship was a whirlwind of unexpectedness and more so because you thought you learned a lot from the previous relationship.

you were called picky so you tried to be more open-minded. went to places you usually would never go and even ate shit you knew you didn't like.

you apparently thought you were too good for anything, so you tried everything your boyfriend suggested whether small or big--so much to the point where it felt like you weren't even your own person anymore.

you were called boring so you finally went out to your first party and pretended like you belonged there for almost four hours while doing your best to act like it wasn't your very first time tasting alcohol.

you did all of that only for him to tell you that very sentence the same as your previous boyfriend did.

"i think it's best we break up."

at least he had the courtesy to say it to your face, but hell, it didn't make it any better. if anything, it was worse--the fact he was standing in front of you and there was nothing you could do to change his mind.

and when you asked him the same question you did before, it hurt even more to watch him say it in real-time.

"it just feels like you try too hard sometimes. like you're not being yourself, and i just don't know if that's someone i want to be with."

or maybe the sentiment didn't fully settle in until your third boyfriend.

the one where you thought you had it all wrong in your first relationship, which is why it lead to the doom of your second one so you made sure history wouldn't repeat itself because you really really liked him.

you were still "picky" but you also kept an open mind and never shyed away from trying new things if it made him happy.

you had your own hobbies and life outside of your boyfriend, but you were never short on showing interests or support regarding anything he did or was passionate about.

you were still boring, but went to a party once in a while and tried things just to try it, always setting your boundaries when needed and never going further than your limits.

you tried so hard to balance things out--between being too much and too little, always making sure you stayed somewhere in the middle because you really wanted it to work.

so naive of you to have thought that if you just did everything right, things would fall in place.

your last and third boyfriend made the heartbreaks of the first two relationships look like kid's play in comparison... by cheating on you.

the worst part was you never got an explanation for why he cheated--not even a mere phone call. you confronted him through texts and he broke up with you on the spot like it was your fault you caught him.

so that was that... all your failed attempts at love and why you were starting to think maybe you were just part of that small, unfortunate group of people who wouldn't ever matter in this bleak world.

you weren't someone worth loving.

"or maybe it's all of them?" san says, your gaze moving from the leaf you were playing with to perk your head up at him, both your eyes meeting.

there's your father; your first, second, and third boyfriend--then there's san.

"and why is that so?" your lashes flutter up at him as he rubs gently at your head currently resting on his leg, the night lit by the few stars peeking behind him.

"because that's just how it is, no? of course we all have our breaking point, but it's usually the result of things building up over time. for example, i didn't break up with my ex over that last event alone. we already had a ton of issues beforehand."

"so what you're saying is all my ex-boyfriends broke up with me because i gave them multiple reasons to?" you quip, your tone teasing and lighthearted just to get a reaction from him.

you met san your last year of university through a friend you shared a class with.

he had showed up in the library one evening after wooyoung, who bothered you every day in marketing class until you subconsciously gave into the growing friendship.

you thought san was quite endearing and definitely too cute, but you weren't looking for a relationship and the fact he already had a girlfriend made it easy.

the second time you met him, he no longer had a girlfriend.

you were definitely not hiding in the kitchen at the last college party you would ever attend, watching as people poured in and out of the entrance for the drinks right beside it, when you suddenly recognized a familiar face.

the light kick to his butt takes him by surprise, his reaction when turned around looks like he's about to give one back until he sees it's just you--his expression easing in response.

"hey," you greet, a coy smile on your lips. "thought you weren't gonna come. wooyoung said you'd be visiting your girlfriend."

"oh." he chuckles it off, not pained or anything. he's seemingly relaxed even uttering the following words, "i broke up with her."

you raise both your brows in shock before settling on a simple, "i'm sorry." not entirely sure what to say or do to console someone with an assuming fresh heartbreak (you were usually the one on the receiving end).

"nah, it's good," he brushes it off, everything about him right now from the way he stands and speaks with the smallest smile tells you he's not entirely sober. "she was a bitch anyway."

"you know, it's not nice to call any women a bitch," you tell him, crossing your arms.

"i'm sorry," he says, sounding like he actually means it, "i'm a bit high right now. someone offered me some pills right before i came."

you snicker at that. "i can tell."

you can't quite describe how things unfolded that night; it's strange--amusing even. you originally planned to be there for an hour only because you'd be graduating soon and had work in the morning, but you very much triggered a sequence of events when you sent that kick flying toward san's butt.

one moment you guys were in the kitchen, then the next, you were both going for a walk where he told you all about his ex-girlfriend and why he broke up with her.

"i commute to her two hours from and back every weekend, yet, she never wanna do the same for me. and then when i do get there, we either argue because she wanna go to another fucking party or be out with her friends. i know it's hypocritical to say that considering i'm here, but shit, at least i'm no longer surrounded by her and her equally obnoxious social circle."

"no, i totally understand," you assure him, both your shoulders brushing against each other's as the music from the house grows faint with each step.

"yeah, i said no more going to parties so she throws one instead. left the room after we got into an argument where she told me to go fuck myself; i finally went out after some time and find her dancing on some table like a stripper so i just straight out left in the middle of the night and drove the two hours back."

"that's horrible. and she didn't care you left?"

"not 'till the next morning at least. woke up to a bunch of texts from her asking where the hell i am and how dare i left, blah blah. i broke up with her on the spot then. i know, awful of me to do over texts but i didn't wanna deal with her any longer."

"i think you're totally in the right, though i do know firsthand how it feels to be broken up with over texts. in this case, i'd say she deserved it and i probably did, too." you contradict such a statement with a light laughter.

san slows down with his steps momentarily, turning to look you in the eyes, a small frown decorating his lips. "but you're so sweet and actually pleasant to be around."

your expanding laughter echoes through the empty street at the comment. "i mean, at one point your ex must've also been quite sweet and pleasant to be around as well if you got with her in the first place."

a quiet snicker falls from his lips, nodding his head because you do have a point. "i guess so."

one conversation turned into another, your legs started to get tired from all the circling around the block but your mouth going on and babbling nonetheless while you and san went through all the initial stages of getting to know one another in just that span of time.

from finding things you two had in common to competing in terms of who had the worse ex (spoiler: san won), everything felt so natural and seamless with him, you really couldn't help but to act impulsively that night.

"it was in my guts she was cheating because she always had flock of guys around her even when i was there so who the hell knows what she was doing when i wasn't. well... that and the fact she admitted to it out of spite when i broke up with her over texts."

a scoffing laughter bubbles from you, attempting to hide it but letting it loose when you see he finds it even funnier--the smile on his face bigger than one should be.

he adds, "the last two months of the relationship, she no longer wanted to have sex and made me felt like shit whenever i'd ask."

"i've gone a little over a year without sex. two months isn't too bad," you drop casually but regretting it almost instantly. you were trying to find a middle between consoling him and being relatable but it just comes off wrong and even dismissive.

you shake your head. "sorry, what i meant to say was--"

"no, you're good," he cuts you off, the amused look on him making you relaxed, realizing you're overreacting.

then, a short silence fall; a tension decorating the air that you've been trying to push back and deny, all of a sudden coming out of hiding in this moment.

"hey," he calls, your blinking lashes meeting his rather soft eyes, "do you wanna go back to my place tonight?"

that was all it took. all he had to do for your back to be pressed against the door of his barely lit bedroom, his hands all over you while he kissed and tugged at your lips as if he's done it for the thousandth times.

you never considered yourself one to sleep with someone you weren't in a relationship with, but you gave yourself up to san within a single night, stripping your clothes away and bearing your soul to him in the most vulnerable and personal way, and he did the same in return.

he kissed you like he meant it, touched you like he wanted you, and fucked you like he loved you.

it was a unique experience that had conflicts swirling in your chest the morning you woke up to the naked boy sleeping beside you, his toned and muscular figure a complete contrast to his serene state.

you left that morning without saying anything, not wanting to disturb his sleep and truthfully, not having much to say.

you didn't think much of what happened after. you didn't want to. you were completely fine with the fact you guys slept together once and that was it. you didn't wanna think about where you stood with san or what you guys were supposed to be because after your last relationship, you didn't think you were ready for another one until a long while.

you were also completely fine with the thought that maybe last night was san's way of coping, given he just got out of a relationship. you were okay with the possibility that you were a rebound.

so there was your father, all of your ex-boyfriends, and then san. but san wasn't like any of them--he was worse.

"so what you're saying is all my ex-boyfriends broke up with me because i gave them multiple reasons to?" you quip, your tone teasing and lighthearted just to get a reaction from him.

he shakes his head. "no, of course not. i genuinely don't know why they broke up with you at all."

he goes on to place a soft, gentle kiss on your forehead before backing up to look you in the eyes again; your heart sinking into your chest at the foreign feelings of safety and belonging.

a full day after the escapade, you got a text from an unknown number. san had managed to find you despite you initially wishing he didn't.

hey, i hope this is okay. i'm san btw 👋 we never exchanged numbers or anything so i had to ask wooyoung for yours. i'm sorry if this is a little creepy lol. i wanted to reach out soon but i wasn't sure if i should. please let me know how you're feeling and if this is okay (if it's not you can be honest). i really enjoyed our time together and i'm talking about every second of it (not just the end of the night)

the guilt you felt that day was unforgiving.

he was careful with his words and very considerate of you; the tone inbetween the lines assuring if you didn't wanna go further with this, you didn't have to.

so although there was absolutely no pressure, your impulsiveness got the best of you--a mix between trying to salvage the situation and your guilt, and having a genuine liking for san, you found the light in a rather dark void that maybe... it wouldn't be so bad.

you thought there was no harm in giving the relationship a try--that, with time, had a high chance of fizzling out just like all of your past relationships.

you thought that just like all the other men in your life, he would eventually grow tired of you... then he'd want to leave.

you thought that regardless of any predictions coming to life, you'd come out fine in the end. unscathed.

and for that, you got yourself into a position even worse than in any of your past relationships... because you learned early on that choi san was simply too good for you.

he picked up fast on what you liked and didn't like, so you never had to play pretend around him. if you didn't wanna go somewhere or do something, he always caught on and was perfectly fine doing what you'd like instead.

he encouraged you to be your own person with hobbies and a life outside of him while still being an integral part of your routine, sharing his passions and interests when he saw necessary to the relationship.

he didn't look at your scars and wounds of the past in disgust or judgement. instead, he loved to place assuring kisses on them and draw little stars over it--such gesture making your heart caved every time.

he never asked for more than what you could give--more than what he knew you were capable of, and it was a concept you were not familiar with.

it's a saturday afternoon when your hair's spread all over san's lap on the couch, both lazing around during the two days of the week you guys have time off work and even more time for each other.

it's the small moments like these that makes you feel at home. when you both can just enjoy the other's presence, and when silence speaks the loudest comfort.

you're just wasting time on instagram, scrolling endlessly when a certain video piques your interest: a slideshow and time-lapse of a couple from the very first picture they took together to the most current one--spanning over 10 years together.

"look, babe, isn't this cute?" you say, unable to help but share the excitement with san, replaying the video for him to see as the endearing smile on his lips bring one out from you as well.

without much thought, you let slip, "i wish to find a love like this." your eyes still to the screen and oblivious to the drop in san's expression.

"i love you," he suddenly says out of nowhere, your gaze moving to him immediately as your breath catches in your throat. "i love you, y/n."

for too long, you just stare at him. your words dying in your throat and all parts of your body unsure of how to respond to such a statement.

"thank you," you return quietly, trying your best to disregard the sight of san's chest deflating or the look of disappointment on his face.

you weren't familiar with someone liking you just for being you, but more so, you weren't familiar with being loved especially when you didn't try hard enough.

after all, you went into the relationship in the first place thinking it wouldn't work out.

everyone deserves to matter to someone, to belong in this bleak world, and to exist for a purpose... everyone but you.

you didn't feel like you deserved to be loved by san.

you jump at the sound of the door opening, your heart beating loudly in your chest at just his mere entrance into the apartment.

"hey baby, what's up?" he greets concernedly, happy at the sight of you but the text you sent and your current stance like a dark cloud hovering over him.

it was just a short and casual text asking him when he was gonna be home because you have to talk to him about something, but it was quite unusual and out of fashion for you.

you never bother him unless you know he's out of work.

"i'm going to japan," you break it quick and sudden, san doesn't even have the time to digest the meaning behind your words.

"japan?" he only repeats so casually, throwing his bag onto the couch before continuing, "yeah, we can go to japan."

you have to squeeze your eyes shut, a look of impatience on you that san doesn't miss. you don't wanna do it, but you have to.

"no, san. just me... permanently," you whisper the last word, your eyes to the ground because you feel you already know what his looks like.

"you don't mean--y/n, no." the switch up is fast once it hits him, going from realization to denial, pacing around the room and shaking his head. "you're not being serious."

"i'm serious."

"so what the fuck, this is it?"

you breathe an annoyed sigh, still in avoidance of his gaze. "look, i just need you to be mature about this."

"i wanna be mature about it but you've never even talked about wanting to go to japan, and now you just expect me to be fine with it?"

it was the first time you saw san truly angry, the look of helplessness and frustration that day on him like nothing you had seen before.

for once, you did the breaking up but the aftermath was nothing like you imagined. you thought you'd feel a lot better because you weren't on the receiving end this time, but you felt even worse.

it made you wondered if any of your exes felt like this. if they laid at night and thought about you. how much they hurt you and if they made the right choice--because those questions certainly kept you up many nights after leaving san's place.

"hey," you say upon the door opening, your walls already coming down at the sight of his disheveled hair and tired face, fighting the crack in your voice to even utter the following words, "it'll be quick."

there's still a couple of your things at san's place and you had asked earlier if it's okay you come over to get them. that, and that you want to say goodbye to him one last time.

he lets you in without saying anything and you head straight for the bedroom, picking up the few clothings of yours in the hamper and throwing it over your arm while he watches in silence from behind.

you definitely feel the hair raising at the back of your neck, not sure what to do or say and just trying your best to put on a show... that you're fine. that your heart isn't breaking into a million pieces at the thought of leaving him.

then you hear it: his soft, pleading voice like music to your ear that you've been missing so much for the past three days.

"please? can you please rethink this even just a little?"

you look over your shoulder to him standing at the doorway, his face and cheeks now flushed red making the incoming tears well at your eyes as you try to blink it away, turning back to stare at the hamper so he doesn't catch it.

"i know the relationship hasn't been perfect. i haven't been perfect. but if you just give me another chance i promise i'll do everything--"

he doesn't get to finish because you're full on sobbing and he's running to your side in an attempt to comfort you when really, it should be the other way around.

you shake your head, his thumbs at your cheeks and wiping away the tears as you finally look him in the eyes.

"no, don't say that. you're perfect, san," you tell him. "there's absolutely nothing about you that needs to be changed."

and it's one of the truest things you've ever said. something you should've said so long ago.

he was and is so perfect, it actually hurt... so much to the point that you started to get afraid the relationship wouldn't work out. that he'd end up being like all the other men in your life and want to leave you.

you thought if you did it first, it wouldn't be so bad.

"san," you call his name, his forehead pressed against yours and his breath ghosting the tip of your skin, "i'll be staying..."

you stop momentarily, san not saying anything almost like he knows you're not done. "and... i love you."

he smiles hearing those words and you think you can hear his heartbeat as he closes in on you to deliver a soft kiss to your lips. "i love you, too."

you always thought so much about how it feels to be loved, but never how it feels to love. that it isn't a one-way street--for someone to be loved, someone have to give that love first... and it was scary.

you liked all your ex-boyfriends, maybe even your dad as a father when your mother was still around, but you didn't love them.

"my father and all of my past relationships... i don't know which one is it, but i never felt quite the same after. like i was afraid i was just gonna keep disappointing anyone i come across," you open up, speaking your soul out to san under the dark night as the hill you're both laying on overlook the city.

“or maybe it’s all of them?” san says, your gaze moving from the leaf you were playing with to perk your head up at him, both your eyes meeting.

“and why is that so?” your lashes flutter up at him as he rubs gently at your head currently resting on his leg, the night lit by the few stars peeking behind him.

“because that’s just how it is, no? of course we all have our breaking point, but it’s usually the result of things building up over time. for example, i didn’t break up with my ex over that last event alone. we already had a ton of issues beforehand.”

“so what you’re saying is all my ex-boyfriends broke up with me because i gave them multiple reasons to?” you quip, your tone teasing and lighthearted just to get a reaction from him.

he shakes his head. “no, of course not. i genuinely don’t know why they broke up with you at all.”

he goes on to place a soft, gentle kiss on your forehead before backing up to look you in the eyes again; your heart sinking into your chest at the foreign feelings of safety and belonging.

you smile to yourself, pulling from his gaze and back to the leaf in your hand. "i appreciate such compliment."

because to love is to give a part of yourself to another person, and when they break that love, they break a part of you. you were so afraid of being broken again, you reserved that part even when san was willing to give himself up as a whole--and for that, you are so thankful.

whether you were being picky, snobby, or boring, he loved you through all of it. through all your scars and wounds and everything that came before him, he still loved and loves you.

he finds you worth loving even when you don't, and makes you feel like you matter to someone for once. that you're gonna belong and exist for something much bigger, and you hope your love in return does the same for him.

when i was her age, i had to go to sleep by 9 with no exception. it's whatever, i guess.

i made it to class on time and because it was the first day back, we really didn't do much work. i'm sure the same goes for you.

i was wondering when i would get to see you because we don't share any classes (unfortunately), so i asked sophie if we could walk out to the field during lunch just in case you were there playing volleyball with your friends, and you were.

you only had your black tank on and i was definitely staring though i hope i wasn't being too obvious. i don't know how it's possible but i think you got even cuter.

we rushed back to the quad after because we felt we were being creepy lol. but i wish i had came to see your volleyball games last summer.

sophie told me (because i basically get everything from her) that you're the libero on the junior varsity team, and honestly, i have no idea what that is but i heard it's a special position so congratulations!

she said you wear a different colored jersey because of it and that you're really good, which is why i wish i hadn't chickened out.

i'm not really into sports in the first place and that kind of setting with so many people kind of scares me, but i promise i'll come to your games this year. i know you'll kill it.

but that's pretty much how today went. i didn't see you at all after that, but it's okay. i have the next three years to cross my fingers and hopefuly get a class with you, and if i'm lucky, maybe i'll catch your attention by falling on my face or something (i'm kidding).

till then, i'll write again if something life changing happens, like if you happen to look my way even briefly.

sincerely, y/n.

i got a 'c' on two of my classes: science and spanish, and it's not even that i didn't understand the materials, more so that i procrastinated so much until the last second and wasn't able to turn in some major assignments. i'm going to do better this upcoming semester, hopefully.

(recently, my dad has taught me to stop using probable but not certain terms like maybe, probably, hopefully... and to be more sure and confident in myself. i'm learning but it's still a habit)

i'm writing this because i don't have anything better to do this late and i can't sleep. it's also new year and because i have a laptop now, i figure i should probably write about some things i would be able to look back to in the future if my memory starts losing itself? perhaps like the first time i ever met you.

i think that's a good start if i'm going to be writing about you for a long time.

but it was in the 6th grade and you just transferred from another school. i remember thinking you were so cute (you still are) when you first walked into our classroom. you had such big eyes and a cute little nose. because of this, you got popular among the girls pretty fast and even got yourself a girlfriend not too long after.

granted, i was a tiny bit jealous even though i was really good at acting like i didn't care about you and the only time we interacted at all in 6th grade was when we were assigned in line orders and i was put right behind you for a week and accidentally stepped on one of your shoe laces.

you wouldn't even be able to tell at all that every time we got in line for lunch, my heart and stomach always felt funny for that entire week. i was both sad but also relieved when the teacher reorganized the order.

just thinking about it now, you've changed quite a bit in comparison to my very first impression of you. you looked so timid and overwhelmed by the attention at first, i couldn't have predicted you would be best friend with wooyoung jung to this day.

he has always been loud, silly, and a bit disruptive in class from time to time, i for sure thought there was no way you two would get along. i was very wrong because by the time we were about to go to middle school, you two became two peas in a pod.

(wooyoung really only knew i existed because before you came, i was 1 of the only 4 asian students in there and the only other korean besides him)

from then, you started hanging out with the popular crowd and i felt the gap between us grow wider.

i never planned on asking you out and i don't plan to, but it was just a feeling that was hard to ignore, even now.

sophie asks me all the time if i don't plan on doing anything about my crush then why do i still keep doing the things that i do, such as writing these letters and always talking about you.

honestly, i don't have an answer right now either. maybe i enjoy the feeling of liking someone? that there's something to look forward to when i go to school? i don't know, but hopefully my future self will know the answer haha. (sorry dad, i used a maybe and hopefully).

this is getting a bit too long, but i hope you have a good new year and again, i'll see you in less than 2 weeks!

sincerely, y/n.

next // series m.list

anyway! since i have my own laptop now, it's just easier to write on here. i really don't like having to handwrite it. my hand gets tired after a while and jenny keeps snooping through my journals so now at least she won't be able to access my laptop because she doesn't know the password.

she laughed when she read my first entry but then cried shortly after because i brought up the fact her boyfriend dumped her for a 4th grader. i would feel a little bad but she's 3 years younger than me and alway threatens to reveal my crush on you whenever i make her mad so she deserved it.

i hope you had a good christmas. i mean, i'm sure you did. a better one than mine probably because your family is rich. i hope you got everything you wanted this year and more. i only got the laptop but i'm grateful because i know my parents saved up for it.

grandma and grandpa came to stay over for a bit and jenny got yelled at because grandma doesn't like us speaking english around her. she likes to always remind us we're korean first and foremost.

i like to think i'm pretty good at korean but i'm more concerned about jenny. she even prefers fast foods and restaurants over mom's homemade cooking.

that was how most of my christmas went.

my point is, i want to start writing and practicing my typing more.

i hope you'll have a good rest of your winter break and i can't wait to see you when school comes back!

sincerely, y/n.

next // series m.list

01. the first letter

02. the first meeting

03. the first day of school

04. valentine's day

05. mindless blabbering

06. ....

07. ....

08. ....

09. ....

you spot him immediately when you reach the top of the hill, the boy recognizable a mile away from the shirt he's wearing; the top once a white color but now a ragged and slightly dirty beige from all the years of owning it.

he looks over his shoulder when he hears the distant footsteps, a smile already on his lips before he's even sure it's you.

"hey," he greets, the soft gaze never leaving as you plop down on the grass next to him.

"hi," you return, adjusting yourself into a comfortable enough position before looking out into the horizon, seeing the sunset about to take over the sky while the waves crashes against rocks and each other.

this is your favorite place in the entirety of dune, sitting atop at such an angle with a sight makes you feel as if you have the whole world in the palm of your hand.

like if you look out far enough, you can see all the islands, other towns, and settlements in the south sea. and if you look even further, you just might be able to picture what those belonging to the north are like.

just the mere thoughts of it makes you excited--the illusion that you can achieve any and everything when you look down on a world that seems so much smaller than you.

but the place isn't just a spot for the eye candy but also safety. when you and minsoo wanna drown out the chitters and judgments of everyone else and escape into hushed whispers and sacred words you cannot say to anyone but each other.

you've known him for as long as you remember, and he always has a way to make you feel safe and comfortable; listened to and heard.

it always has felt like you found each other in a rather unfortunate world... at least that's how you see him. a speck of light in uncertain darkness.

"how's your father doing?" he asks, eyes and voice turning a soft empathetic.

the reminder brings out a low sigh, but it's an unfortunate reality you're living through.

"not well."

he was just fine a couple weeks ago, getting up and going about his routine when he fell ill out of nowhere, it came so quick and sudden, you couldn't process it at first that your own father was now stuck in bed all day while you ran across the town daily to find some kind of remedy... to no luck.

there's medicines that helps lessen the symptoms but things doesn't seem to be getting any better by the day.

"sorry to hear," he says, disheartened that he can't help you. it's hard to find any skilled doctors or expertise in such a field in a small place like dune. "keep trying. i''ll help, too, and let you know if i come across something."

"i appreciate it," you tell him, a genuine smile on your lips that he returns.

sometimes, you still wonder if not following the feelings budding underneath whenever you're with minsoo is a mistake.

if one day you're gonna grow to regret choosing your heart over safety and security, every time you're with him, the yearning and longing is felt on the surface you both won't scratch.

with how minsoo is, his nature always so selfless and self-sacrificing, he wouldn't let you. you know he still won't.

it was the day the topic finally showed its head after the both of you tippy-toed around it for so long... when it was clear as day even to those around that you hold good feelings for each other.

more than gratitude and being friends.

"but i think it's best we don't," minsoo says, his delivery bittersweet as you shoot to him with fluttering and confused lashes.

you clear your throat quietly and ask, "why not?"

because usually if the feelings of love and admiration are mutual, there isn't any reasons not to try. that's how it works, doesn't it?

"because i'll only hold you back."

you go blank at his words, attempting to mentally break down what he means exactly.

"didn't you say you wanna go out of dune? explore other nearby islands and towns, maybe even step foot into the north sea one day? i don't want you to have to choose between me or your dreams in the future."

you only stare at him, your throat feeling tight and head still a little confused, he has to add, "i don't plan on leaving dune. sure, it isn't the best place there is to be, but i like it here. it's where i was born and where i hope to die."

when you finally grasp what he's trying to tell you, a small sigh of defeat leaves your chest, but he takes your hands in his immediately and looks at you so assuringly like everything's gonna be okay.

"i'm not saying we shouldn't ever, but i hope to one day have the map you've always dreamed of creating in the grasp of my hand, and maybe you can tell me all about your adventures. but for now, i want you to freely dream of those things without having to consider anything else, okay?"

you don't know how he's still able to smile in such a situation, tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear and always with words that mends the doubts in you.

sometimes it feels like he has too much faith in you, and sometimes it's as if you're just chasing a false dream, but if it's to really happen one day, you'll do it for him, too.

--

you separate from minsoo on the path back to town, having to run to the only pharmacy in the town to pick up more medicines for your father.

the white building is quite small situating near the outskirts leading to the fields, and you've ever only seen one worker here who you've grown to be familiar with pretty recently.

she's a little older than you and very soft-spoken, her drive to always help the best she can is something you greatly appreciate.

walking into the empty pharmacy, she greets you immediately upon arrival and you wave as a response, watching as she bends under to pull out the bag she's already prepared beforehand.

"thank you," you tell her, pulling the few coins out of your pockets and handing it to her.

"your father doing any better?" she asks.

you shake your head, looking and sounding just as disheartened as when minsoo asked.

"unfortunately, no."

"sorry to hear," she says, also pitying you just as much as minsoo did. "if only dune were able to get exports from those in the north sea. but we have to do with what we're given. i hope you'll be able to find something better for your father soon."

you nod, a thin smile on your lips from the kind encouragement.

"yeah, i'm working on something," you answer, swiftly turning to the window and seeing the blackness that covers it entirely. "i'll take my leave now before it gets too late. once again, thank you."

you turn your back to head out when her slightly hesitant voice stops you.

"y/n."

"yes?" you stare wide-eyed over your shoulder.

"be careful, okay? i heard halateez are getting closer."

it takes you a few seconds to register what she's talking about, replying in a rather calm and casual tone, "yeah. you, too."

--

you didn't think much of what she said back at the pharmacy due to the sudden unexpectedness of it, but the closer you get to the town square, catching sight of the black and red bounty poster you've seen plastered for miles for the past months now, your body can't help but to get a chill that makes you wanna shiver in uneasiness.

halateez. they're one of the most notorious pirates crew roaming the seas of wonderland--well known for their disguises and hidden identities, now currently the biggest fear for everyone in dune because words are that they were just in the east sea a while ago, meaning as soon as they're done, they'll be heading down here.

no one knows what to expect but the fear definitely seems more real each passing day, waiting in apprehension for a mysterious ship to appear on the dock and just hope for the best.

and it might be because you're so deep in your thoughts, or that you can barely see in such darkness that the second you turn the corner to head down the road home, you hit face first into someone's hard chest causing the bag in your hand to drop and the few pill bottles to roll onto the ground.

you gasp and apologize under your breath, but there's no time to even see who it is because you're more concerned about salvaging your father's medications as you bend down immediately to pick it all up.

"again, i'm sor--" but you stop just short of finishing when you finally look up and the dark figure hovering over your body conjures up a knot in your throat, clearing it lowly and standing on your feet as you try to make out his features in the poor lighting.

he hasn't said anything despite the situation, though you're able to make out his brows as they curve at you in judgement.

your eyes lower to his chest, the black ink drawn on it intriguing you because it might be the first time you've ever seen anyone in dune with a proper tattoo.

you try not to stare too long, giving this man just one last look, finally adjusting to the lighting and seeing that he's actually quite good looking.

some intimidating features and a gaze that makes you wanna cower for sure, but he's handsome.

when he doesn't say anything, only continuously stare at you for what seems like the longest time, you apologize once more before bowing and excusing yourself, thinking of how odd such a man is on your way back home.

you wake up to what is the loudest commotion ever in your 20 years of living, looking up to where your father is resting and glad it didn't also jolt him from his sleep.

something already feels very wrong, the pit of your stomach is telling you it and the sudden knock at the door as well.

when you open it to minsoo's concerned eyes and voice saying your name so early in the morning, you know it's only gonna get worse.

but before you can even ask why he and what seems like the entire town are up so early and looking absolutely scared for their lives, the deep and roaring voice of another from a distance away makes you snap to the source, your heart beating so fast in your chest at the sight.

as if the men from the posters you were just looking at yesterday jumped straight out of them and is now in front of you--black attires, hats, masks, and all armed as they stand right in the middle of the town square as the one that spoke just now stands just a couple feet ahead of the rest.

"listen up! we want a thousand coins from each house within an hour! if you don't have it, you better find a way!" the man threatens, his right hand holding a gun that sits on his shoulder so comfortably.

cries and panics ensues instantly, your heart breaking at the distress written all over fathers, mothers, and children's faces as most of them cradles each other in a hug and cry together, then some retreating back into their house in defeat.

you turn to look at minsoo and he has the same look all over his face, sharing the same desperation as you but also disappointment and anger that nothing can be done.

"i'll get back to you soon. you let me know if you need me," he tells you much to a nod before going back to his own house and family.

you take another glance at the men in black as they just sit around and chat away like they're not ruining the lives of a community already going through a hard time.

your father is already awake when you return inside, asking you in his frail voice, "what's going on?"

"nothing," you tell him, putting on your best smile. he's sick and he doesn't need even more things to worry about. "just a town event."

he doesn't say furthermore but he does watch you go through your belongings until you pick up what looks like a jar full of coins.

"i'll be back," you assure, walking out and shutting the door because you don't want him to see or be a part of any of it.

as you await in the compacted living area for your turn, the longer you stare at the jar in your hand, the more you wanna cry because this is all you have from all the years of saving.

all of your dreams and future is in this small jar that you've spent the last few years putting all your blood, sweats, and tears into because if you were to ever get out of dune one day, you want it to be by your own doings.

a thousand coins is almost an entire year worth of living in the south sea. stupid fucking pirates.

you don't necessarily have a problem with them because just like people, there's good and bad pirates, and at least the ones that had passed through dune before were just rowdy at worst given most only came for the brothel, but they never held the townsfolk at freaking gunpoint.

at least half an hour goes by when you finally hear the voices before the knocks.

"are you sure it's this one?"

"yes. he couldn't shut up about it."

you open the door slowly with a racing heart, the two men in front glaring you down and making you feel all kinds of discomfort even through the disguises.

you don't say anything, only extending your hands with the jar in it, hoping and wishing for it to be over as soon as possible while you keep your gaze to your feet.

too long goes by when nothing happens, looking up again only for one of them to say, "we don't want coins from you." the statement making you raise a brow in confusion.

"you're y/n, right?" the other one who's just slightly taller than the first, says, with you returning a halfhearted nod. "it's been requested that you come with us."

and if they weren't holding your entire town hostage and parading around like they'll actually do what they say, you might think they're out of their minds because how in the hell do they know your name and is now demanding just the absolute craziest request.

"says who?" you reply, an edge to your voice that's starting to no longer consider the presence of these maniacs who could do anything to you.

"you don't need to know," the first one responds, the audacity to sound even more annoyed than you, before swiftly grabbing for your wrist but you're quick to pull back.

"i'm not fucking going," you spit. "i'll do anything and everything, even pay double, but if you guys think i'm coming with, you're insane."

he only laughs, his amusement clear even with the mask on.

"sweetheart, you're insane if you think you have a choice, now let's not make this even--"

it's probably stupid of you to shut the door in front of two very obviously strong men who's also taller than you, but you do it anyway and of course--it doesn't work, the one with a deeper and more annoying voice stops it immediately, pushing the frame back so hard it thumps against the wall and causes your father's voice to pierce from the bedroom.

"y/n, honey, is everything okay?"

"yes! everything's fine. please don't come out!"

when you look them both in the eyes again, backing away slowly with your throat and heart clenched as they only get closer, you're really not sure if you'll be able to get out of this.

"that your father?" the more annoying one asks again, his head tilted and mocking you through the tone.

"none of your fucking business."

but he only laughs again, like there's something so entertaining for him in other people's misery.

"oh, but it is. because if you don't come with us, you'll be putting your father in a lot of trouble."

you fume through your nose. "you wouldn't dare."

and just when you eventually loosen up and lets your guard down, not wanting to put your father in any danger, the other one comes at you so fast, you can barely react.

his hand clasp your mouth and nose tightly with something you can't even properly make out because you're busy struggling, eyes suddenly heavy and consciousness gone before all you see is utter darkness.

"seriously, what the fuck?"

"he asked us to do it."

"doesn't mean you had to. you know he's a fucking maniac."

"he also asked us to not smother her with chloroform but that also didn't happen."

"what else were we supposed to do? she was resisting."

"does hongjoong know about this?"

"not yet."

"jesus fucking christ... did she see you guys without your masks on?"

"no. but not like it matters now anyway."

you hear the conversation and booming voices for a good minute before you can fully make out your surrounding.

there's a brown nightstand in front of you with a badly lit lantern sitting on top, and when you're able to roll onto your back, you find the ceiling is made out of wood with multiple lines of thicker woods spreading across just a few inches apart.

you're constantly rocking back and forth, unable to stay still as if being swayed by the motions of water, and then comes the smell. something of fish and another you can't dissect just yet.

then it hits you. halateez and their threats, the two men walking into your house and demanding you come with them, then your attempt to fight when one of them suddenly came at you.

you wish it was all a bad dream, but you know it's not. it all feels too real and your current state is proof of it.

you turn to face the side of the wall made out of even more wood, a lone tear rolling down your cheek as you sniff the salty air when the door comes apart, causing you to jolt from your position.

standing there is a face you can actually see as you two just continuously stare at one another, your body naturally retracting and curling up because these people could do anything to you.

it's almost as if he can read your mind, shutting the door gently and telling you at the same time, "i'm not gonna hurt you, don't worry."

he looks a lot younger than any pirates you've ever seen in your lifetime... like he could be even younger than you.

"where am i?" you ask, volume barely loud enough and sounding like you're gonna break into a cry any second.

"a pirate ship," he answers, having stopped just short of the door and staring you down... but you knew where you are. maybe you were just hoping you would be wrong.

"please let me go back home," you beg, the waterworks already coming, usually not one to drop a sob story to get your ways but there's no other choice.

this is so wrong on so many levels and you actually cannot fathom it being a reality right now.

the man takes a short, almost remorseful breath, moving his gaze to the floor briefly before he locks eyes with you again.

"i'm afraid that isn't possible. the ship's already moved away from dune for a while now. plus, he won't let you leave. not anytime soon at least."

"he?" you quote, pitch high and curious.

"says who?" you reply, an edge to your voice that's starting to no longer consider the presence of these maniacs who could do anything to you.

"you don't need to know," the first one responds, the audacity to sound even more annoyed than you, before swiftly grabbing for your wrist but you're quick to pull back.

"he'll be here soon," is all he tells you about this mysterious man before going off about other things. "if you need to relieve yourself, it's the door to your right. probably different than what you're used to but you'll get the hang of it soon. dinner is at 7, and if you have any further questions, you'll have to ask san yourself. i don't know when i'll get to talk to you again."

you open your mouth to say something but a call outside cuts you short.

"jongho!"

he gives you another look, his expression unreadable. he seems to feel bad for you but it's hard to believe anyone's intentions and sincerity in your current state.

"i have to go," he says, turning his back to you, one hand on the handle when he stops to look over his shoulder to give you the final farewell, his pitch suddenly deeper as if sending you a warning. "i know it sucks, but please, try to be on your best behavior. he won't show you the same mercy."

you don't say anything, watching as he leaves and gaze drawn to the tattoo on the back of his wrist that you swear looks familiar but is unable to get a closer look.

left to your own devices, your mind is traveling at a thousand miles per hour, talking under your breath and pacing around the tiny cabin trying to digest everything just now while simultaneously trying to think of how to get the hell out of here.

san. jongho, who you think is his name, said it. san is the fucking lunatic that ordered for you to be here.

well, you certainly don't wanna be here when he shows up, searching the entire perimeter of the room for anything and even going into the so-called "restroom" jongho was referring to only to find two buckets--one filled with water and one empty, before shutting the door in defeat.

when you're just about out of ideas, plopping down on the edge of the bed and accidentally making eye contact with the porthole on the other side of the nightstand, you don't know why you didn't think of it sooner.

you can try breaking it... if you can find something, once again touring the area and busy looking over and under that when the door creaks open again, you just freeze in place.

"planning to escape?" a voice lighter and different from jongho filled with amusement rings from behind as you swallow down the knot and spin around slowly. "i wouldn't do that if i were you."

he still has on his disguise attire or whatever the hell it is, but the second he locks eyes with you, he starts taking off just about everything, starting from his hat then his mask.

when it finally comes off, you visibily and audibly gasp.

“again, i’m sor–” but you stop just short of finishing when you finally look up and the dark figure hovering over your body conjures up a knot in your throat, clearing it lowly and standing on your feet as you try to make out his features in the poor lighting.

he hasn’t said anything despite the situation, though you’re able to make out his brows as they curve at you in judgement.

"you!" your finger weakly points at him in accusation, but the man just smirks like he finds a kick out it.

his chin nods off to the porthole and you follow, his voice soon filling up the space, "if you wanna try jumping out of that, i'll tell you now it won't work. we're so far from any land at this point, you'll soon drown before you even know it."

now that you're able to see him clearly, his features more prominent and menacing in daylight, nothing welcoming like the boy that came before him especially with how he's literally undressing you with fox eyes, you can't help but to grow smaller and slowly retract away from this man.

"you're the one that ordered all of this shit?" you still manage to say despite the fear overtaking your body as you watch him take off the coat and pull the turtleneck off his head.

you avert your eyes to the floor to avoid the sight of his naked torso, but he seems to find something so funny about it as he laughs it off.

"i did," he replies nonchalantly, clearly unbothered even with the sincerity and seriousness of your question, only throwing himself down onto the bed with his hands behind his head as he continues to stare at you some more, never in your life have you ever felt this uncomfortable.

"why?" your voice cracks, all that anger and grief coming back up even stronger this time around. "what did i do to deserve this? i was just living my life, my father is sick and he needs me. what would he do without me?"

you're full on crying at this point, hoping and praying that maybe this man in front of you who looks like he's listening to just about the most boring past time story, will somehow take pity on you and let you go.

you've done nothing but tried your best to only do good deeds, so why you of all people?

you think of your father; of minsoo...

san shrugs, not moved by the tears or the breaking of your voice.

"i did it because i can? i did it because i want to?" he says, unsure himself much to your utter disbelief because he cannot be serious.

"so you're that fucking bored you just go around stealing lives of people because you can?" you scoff. "you pirates are so stupid."

he smirks and you regret the words the instant he gets off from the bed and starts walking toward you until your back hits the wall and you cannot go any further, really showing you where you stand in a situation like this.

you're holding your breath with clenched fists when he lowers his gaze to yours, tilting his head mockingly in a proximity too close for your liking.

"if you don't want anything bad to happen to you, i suggest you speak to me a little more fucking nicely, huh?"

you swallow the tension, staying quiet and choosing safety because you have no idea how he's gonna react and what he's capable of just yet.

then it catches your attention again while you're actively avoiding his gaze... the black ink on his chest in the shape of an 'a' and a circle around it.

that must also be what jongho has at the back of his wrist.

"good girl," he coos, breaking your train of thoughts as the pet name makes you feel all forms of disgust, the way he says it so affectionately when right now, all you wanna do is kick him in the shin.

you think if you don't say anything and let him be, he'll leave you alone, but he shamelessly rakes over your face and figure with a twisted gaze.

"you know," he whispers, breath ghosting the tip of your skin, finally looking up to meet his eyes. you hate the fact he's attractive for such a sick person, and you hate it even more the way he's biting at his lower lip. "you're even more beautiful up close."

you wonder if he can hear how loud your heart is beating, so afraid and fearful about what he's gonna do to you.

and when one of his fingers slowly creeps up to brush against your cheek, you visibly flinch, prompting a snicker from him before he backs away completely much to your relief.

you proceed to watch as he walks over to the nightstand and pulls a piece of clothing out of the top drawer, then throwing it onto the bed.

"change into this by tonight," he informs, tone calm but you know it's an order.

he isn't done just yet, going back to fetch one last thing before shutting it and putting on a show for you as he works on wearing the black top he got just now, pulling until it sits on his skin comfortably.

"i've got some unfinished business so i'll be back by dinner time. but for now, stay put and might i warn you one more time, don't try anything stupid and don't even try entertaining the idea of escaping," he states, the warnings sending a chill down your spine.

he doesn't wait for any kind of response from you, leaving the second after and lifting the heaviness off your chest even if just slightly.

this man really just came in here to intimidate you because he can.

--

there is really not much to do, especially in a small space you're unfamiliar with. you go back between sitting on the bed and looking through the porthole watching as the waves carry the ship along the dark water.

you don't allow yourself to sleep even if your eyelids are growing heavier each hour, your heart unable to be at rest with such a situation you had no say in.

you still haven't even changed into the outfit san demanded you to because you don't know why he wants you in such skimpy clothings for.

you absolutely refuse to wear it.

and although he's warned you to not even think of escaping, your mind can't help but to drift to the possibility of getting out of here. maybe not right now but in the future, it could happen.

he's a fool if he thinks you've already accepted your fate.

it's getting darker outside and you're failing at finding things to keep yourself occupied, when the sudden chatters outside takes your attention.

it's a tad muffled but you can still make out most of what they're saying--the voices sounding like they belong to the men earlier who's responsible for you being here in the first place.

"yeah, she's beautiful so i can understand, but san is still one crazy son of a bitch for doing this." you hear the laughters, such a matter being reduced to a casual discussion between the two.

"he didn't do it alone, though. we literally took the girl away from her home."

"you think san's going to... tonight?"

you don't even realize your ears are practically glued to the door attempting to eavesdrop, but you back away from it the second you finally digest the comment, not even bothering to hear the rest of the conversation.

is this why he took you in the first place and even ordered for you to change into some lingerie by the time he returns? it would only make sense because what other use would someone like you be good for?

just the thought of it sends your body into a state so scared and helpless, desperate to take back the rights of your life into your own hand but completely out of ideas as of currently.

minsoo would always tell you you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and it was flattering at first... why wouldn't it be? it was until it wasn't; your appearance all anyone could talk about.

the aunties that lived next door would always tell your father jokingly that if he had just let you work at the brothel, the two of you could make way more than tending to crops and animals.

you don't have a problem with anyone who does that as a way of living, but it is simply not for you.

your beauty has done nothing in life for you but served troubles.

there's no way to tell time except for the darkness coating the porthole and the way your heart beats faster every passing minute, waiting in anxiety till san will eventually come back.

when you're just starting to doze off, managing to forget about him for just that quick moment, he finally makes an appearance again, the sound of the door opening jolting you from the drowsy state and into fear once again.

you watch him throw a mere glance at the piece of clothing still untouched on the bed.

"i'm pretty sure i gave you a clear order, no?" he looks at you, his antagonizing gaze already making you feel small.

but you stand your ground, spitting lowly but boldly, "i'm not wearing that."

he scoffs, shaking his head to the ground, honestly amazed at the amount of resistance and bravery one still has in a scene where they're clearly at a disadvantage.

he thinks you have absolutely no instincts for survival.

"what exactly do you plan to do with me?" you ask, desperate for a clearer answer, even if you have to annoy it out of him at your own expense. "where the hell are we even going, and can i please just know what's going on?"

he sits himself down on the lone chair near the door, eyes burning into yours as if shooting lasers.

"you sure have a lot of questions, don't you?"

"well i suppose you would too if you were taken away from your home by some lunatic."

san laughs at the jab, a smirk overtaking the shape of his lips after.

"curse at me some more, don't you? it kind of turns me on."

him abducting you should be more than enough proof you're not dealing with a sane person, but this seals it.

"you're out of your fucking mind," you say under your breath in utter disbelief but barely making an effort so he doesn't hear it.

"call me whatever names or insults you want, but it won't faze me, dear. i've heard it all."

you roll your eyes. "oh, i don't doubt it."

a couple seconds of fuming silence goes by before he's the one to speak up.

"we're heading to scorched bay. we'll reach it in a day or two. any more questions, princess?" he raises a brow, his tone a combination of teasing and purposely provoking you.

"why did you decide to ruin my life? why me?" your delivery a bit sarcastic and bitter, bringing about a chuckle from san. but he wouldn't really just do it because he can as he so-called claimed, right?

"that's some strong wordings, but i did it because i like you, is that so hard to believe?"

the room goes even more quiet than before, because this man in front of you who did just about the last thing anyone would do to someone they like, is saying that's exactly what this is.

"yeah, i do find it quite hard to believe."

he shrugs, still unmoved and only proceeding to stare at you with something in his eyes--a challenge--going on to say something that makes you even more uneasy than before.

"well, stick around longer and you'll find i mean every word i say."

if san couldn't get any crazier, he definitely hit his peak when he thought you'd sleep in the same bed as him.

he surprisingly didn't put up much of a fight when you obviously refused, but now you're starting to think he did it on purpose because he knew how uncomfortable the floor is, and that eventually, you're gonna end up regretting the choice.

"changed your mind just yet?" his voice in the dark making you jump slightly, but you try your best to maintain the composure.

"no," you say stubbornly.

because even if the wood flooring is hard and rough on your skin, you'd rather have that than spend the night sharing the same bed with a man you barely know.

"suit yourself."

you squeeze your eyes and force it shut, because if you can fall into darkness, this will all be over soon enough

--

san doesn't let you leave the room even the following day, only bringing you food when it's time so you'll have something and not die off--though you'd much rather prefer that at this point.

the only good thing is he isn't with you most of the day, always out and about and only showing up once in a while to warn you again, or get something before leaving for hours.

occasionally you'd listen to the conversations outside that's within earshot, none of them too interesting or important until you hear one concerning the ship's arrival in scorched bay by tomorrow morning.

you can't seem to trust san's words for now and you don't want to considering the person he is, but it only makes sense they're going in order.

after scorched bay, port cove would be up next.

you know you probably shouldn't entertain the idea, but you go to sleep tonight on the hard wood flooring with hope comforting you in your dreams and that tomorrow, there's a chance you could be free from this prison.

--

you're woken up by the much louder chatters foreign to a ship with a relatively small group of people, when the revelation of yesterday hits you, sitting up immediately only to see san raising an eyebrow at you while sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.

"excited to wake up today, aren't you?" the way he says it, as if trying to get under your skin, but if you really want your plan to work, you have to go just the extra mile to stay on his good side.

you smile in return instead. "i've just always wanted to see scorched bay."

he smirks, shaking his head before standing up to look for his shirt.

"you're not going anywhere," he says, the same time he throws that same turtleneck over his head.

you already knew that but you still can't help but to feel a little dejected at the reminder.

"so what am i going to be doing for the meantime?" you ask.

he shrugs, grabbing for his coat on the rack near the door.

"you don't try to do anything stupid before we return, which should be before it gets too dark."

you fume lowly at the response. it's like every time you try to talk to him like a normal human being, he always has a way to make you feel less in return.

"i'll be back," he tells you and storms off.

you sigh as soon as the door closes. you need to do it quick and fast before he leaves. that it needs to be believable and there's a big chance it might not work but you need to try.

scorched bay is the closest to dune and the further the ship drifts away, the harder and longer it will be to get back to your father and minsoo.

you make yourself more presentable during the time he's gone, waiting in apprehension because as soon as he comes back, you have to strike immediately.

when the door finally creaks open again, you jump up so fast, san might think you're just that excited to see him again.

"what do you want?" he asks, already able to tell from your body language you want something.

"san," you roll his name off your tongue, making sure you sound soft and sweet, watching the way he blinks at such a tone, "i really need to use the restroom."

"go in the bucket," he replies coldly.

"no, but, i-i'm not used to it yet. can i please just go out to use the restroom? just this once? i promise i'll return as soon as i'm done."

he exhales in annoyance, unable to believe you're doing this right now.

"please?" you try again, even more desperate this time. "i also want to see scorched bay just once. i've never been out of dune. i-if i try anything, you can do whatever you want to me."

you say the last line a little too boldly though a little regretfully, the consequences of the words slipped not even in your mind at the time you said it.

"anything?" he repeats after, a smirk creeping onto his lips.

you nod hesitantly, feeling yourself shrink when he steps closer to you.

"remember your words, princess. because if it turns out you have other things in mind, don't say i didn't warn you."

--

it was obvious he wouldn't send you alone, but you were surprised he didn't go with you himself and instead sends one of his men.

he's trailing behind you, eyes burning into the back of your head and never failing to remind you that he's watching your every moves.

you walk through the crowd of townsfolk, able to see mountains and trees peaking from behind their heads, and shops and stalls everywhere.

the place similar to dune but much livelier and spacious if judging by the amount of people there are compared to the small town square back where you came from.

you find yourself smiling and stopping in place to admire the new but almost familiar setting, the hit of nostalgia already through the roof even though you haven't even been away for that long.

it makes you miss the place, and more importantly, it makes you miss your father and minsoo.

"hey," the voice from behind knocks you out of your thoughts.

you snap your neck around to san's man's stern gaze as he ushers at the road ahead.

"no looking around. we have to get going."

"i was just admiring the scenery," you reasons, much to the continuously cold shoulder.

"doesn't matter. now go." he slightly nudges you by the back to keep walking and you scoff at the physical force.

what the hell is wrong with all these men and their need for aggression?

you avoid the hair raising at the back of your neck and keep walking until you finally spot a public restroom, turning around to tell him you'll be back.

"make it quick," he says rather harshly and a bit annoyed, much to an eye roll from you as soon as you turn the other way.

the women's restroom is a small four stalls with tan brick walls, your eyes scanning every corner for an escape route--immediately landing upon the lone window sitting at the very top of the biggest stall.

it looks like it could barely fit you but you think you might make it. you have to try. you just need something to help you get up there first.

thankful that no one's here to see such madness, you step inside the biggest stall and of course, there's absolutely nothing here that could help you reach that height.

you bite at your bottom lip, trying to reframe from panicking and pacing around the open space of the stall when it clicks.

you can just use the toilet itself as a stepping stool. it's not high enough, but it's a start and you'll be able to open it up from where you are.

the rest is up to your perseverence and whether you can really push yourself up and through such a tight opening.

there's no time to think the plan more through or pick out the flaws, because the longer you're in here, the more suspicious san's man will get.

you step on the toilet seat before moving up onto the tank, reaching your arm out at this angle and easily pushing the window open by the handle as you can hear the glass thump quietly against the other side of the wall.

on your tippy-toe, you grab the other side with both arms and grip it with all your strength, scraping the walls with your feet to help your body over it.

the good thing is that it's grass you'll be falling into. the part where you didn't think through is that you'll be falling face and head first.

thankfully, it's not too high but there's no way you'll make it out without getting some form of injuries.

you probably just stare at it for a few seconds, contemplating just about everything and if you really wanna do this, until the loud knock at the door with your name echoing from the other side reminds you just once again of how much you'd rather break a neck or a leg than to be stuck on that ship for who knows how long.

the pain is quick at first, your arms having covered your face as you brace the fall and land hard against your back. it doesn't really hurt till it settles in, the ache and burn on the surface of your skin that has been scrapped on the way down.

the amount of trees luckily covers the scene, and though you're still sore and hurting from the fall, there's no time to waste as you stand on your feet and limp away the best you can.

that if you can get far enough; if you can stay in hiding for a while, you'll be free again. you can go back to living the life you once were and be able to return to your father.

the townsfolk are probably only able to help you as much as the people in dune can--as in they're completely powerless when it comes to a crew like halateez so it's best you don't trouble anyone.

the best bet for now is to stay in hiding until you're safe and then go from there.

you manage to make it to another public restroom, using the crowd and scenery to blend in, running to the men's this time because it would be harder and unpredictable if they were to try to find you.

you breathe an air of relief when you finally sit down on the toilet seat, your back and just about every bones still sore and hurting but you're just so happy to have come this far.

the front of your hands and elbows are bleeding, using the toilet papers to quickly mend away the pain for now until you can get actual help later on if you make this.

then you wait and wait, each steps whether loud or quiet into the restroom making your heart jump in uneasiness, until a ruckus outside takes you and what sounds like about everyone's attention.

that must be them--san and the rest of his men doing what they do best; doing the same thing they did to the people of dune.

the voice confirms your suspicion, though it doesn't belong to san, the familiarity still rings a memory so clear.

"listen up! we want a thousand coins from each house within an hour! if you don't have it, you better find a way!" the man threatens, his right hand holding a gun that sits on his shoulder so smoothly.

you hate them so much. every one of them.

what rights do they think they have by taking away from others and playing god?

you wish you could do something but the hard to swallow truth is you can't. if you could, you wouldn't have been in this position in the first place.

you're no different than anyone currently being held hostage and threatened by these stupid pirates.

so you wait some more. wait so long that you've lost track of time and the night has gone so quiet, you haven't heard a single footstep or any signs of life nearby for a while now.

maybe you should wait it out longer until the sun comes up at least and increase the chances of being in the clear, but it has very certainly turned dark quite a while ago and probably past midnight.

you can feel the goosebumps on your skin raise from just the realization that you're alone in the restroom at night in a town you have little knowledge regarding.

it's way too quiet and late for halateez to still be at the dock.

san said they'd be leaving before it gets dark, and surely you don't mean that much to him just yet that he'd make the ship delay their route when he hasn't even known you for a week.

you can probably make it to the town hall, recalling seeing it on your way and maybe ask if the mayor or anyone can help.

you don't know if you can bear staying here for another hour.

quietly peeking out the stall, you walk with cautious steps and a conscious fully alarmed when exiting the restroom, ignoring spine-chilling sensation you get from the setting as you make your way to the town hall following a path you believe should lead you there.

the closer you get, the smaller the anxiety brewing in your chest becomes, feeling as if safety and security is only so close, you can reach it if you just walk a little faster.

your pace picks up and for a second there, you see the light. your heart beating faster and your breath harsher from the distance traveled here, because just a little more and you'll make it.

all it takes for your dreams and such a bright future ahead to be crushed is the sudden hand that appears out of thin air and latches onto your wrist at such a speed you can't even react to as it flings your body to the side and drags you away.

you think the same man san sent found you, when the figure comes to an abrupt stop and turns around, wishing that it had been him instead of san himself.

you swallow in fear, never in your life have you ever felt so scared before.

he stares down at you still in his disguise except the mask that has come off, a burning look of anger in his eyes and you can't predict what he's gonna do at all.

you fucked up. you officially got caught and ruined probably your only chance of ever escaping.

god, you feel so hopeless.

"what did i fucking tell you?" he growls lowly into the night, feeling his grip on you get tighter with every spoken word. "i warned you, didn't i?"

you're in such shock, mind out of ideas until the only thing you can think of in the moment to still possibly salvage the situation is to immediately scream for help.

you barely get more than one shriek when san pulls you toward him, flushed against his chest and one hand gripping at your jaw to shut you up.

"if you know what's good for you, you'd shut up and go back nicely. besides, what can these pathetic people do for you? you'll end up right back in my arms either way."

you spit in his face, pushed to your absolute limit and way past the point of caring.

"fuck you," you curse at him. "i will never like you. i hate you. hate you, you hear me?" you deliver your words with such boldness and resentment despite the tears starting to brew.

you almost expect him to hit you, but instead, he hurls out a deep and sinister chuckle, wiping the spit off with his free hand and angles you to look up at him with the grip he still has on your jaw.

"since you love spitting so much, i'm 'oughta teach that mouth of yours some respect."

you have no idea what he means until he suddenly crashes his lips onto yours in a swift motion, allowing you no room to breathe except to stubbornly close off your own lips and deny him any entrance or satisfaction.

though you're desperately trying to fight back, both palms at his chest trying to push him away, he barely moves from his spot because he's so much stronger than you.

not only have you ever felt so hopeless, but now also violated as this person who's already stripped you of your future is trying to take ownership of your body, too.

it's the longest few seconds of your life when all you can focus on are the sloppy movements of his tongue, finally able to free yourself when he loosens up, pushing him away as you weep quietly into the night.

you don't get the time to mourn or cry about the fact this man just took your first kiss by force given he has no sympathy and only seems to care about himself.

"if you wanna make it through the night, you better keep that mouth shut and rethink any other ideas you have in mind, because trust me, i can do much worse."

you absolutely don't doubt he can, which is why you keep your sobs quiet while he drags you by the wrist to that godforsaken ship you thought you would never see again.

"san, it hurts," you try telling him plenty of times throughout the trip back only for your pleads to go in vain.

he doesn't care how tight he's holding onto you or how fast he's walking and that you're unable to keep up. this is your punishment for what you've done and he's gonna make sure you feel the wrath of it.

when you guys finally aboard the ship, he drags you through the few people watching just as harshly.

some wearing the same outfit as him but with masks on and some without--one of them you recognize as jongho, and then the rest in much casual attire similar to the man san sent with you in the first place.

you meet jongho's eyes briefly and you can't tell if it's sympathy that's present in them due to how fast san is moving until the door to the cabin you've been trapped in for the past days is standing in front of you.

with a quick unlock, it all happens so fast you can't even process san tossing you onto the bed until you're planted face first, turning on your back only to cower away in fear of what he's gonna do--especially now that you two are actually alone.

you're able to make out his features better in the ship's lighting, a look of unamused and anger crossing both at once that makes you regret the events of today.

he gave you a clear warning and you defied it. there's no way you're coming out of this unscathed.

and you don't wanna think about what could be even worse than forcefully shoving his tongue down your throat.

there's a few seconds of stare off as you try to predict his next moves.

"you're sleeping in the bed with me from now on. i don't wanna hear it," he tells you sternly.

you keep your mouth shut, knowing that continuously pissing san off is probably the last thing you wanna do right now, especially after having annoyed him enough for today.

"did i make myself clear?"

when you don't say anything, he walks closer that you can barely stutter out a, "y-yes."

"great. when i come back, i better see it."

and he walks out, the aftermath of the door shutting is the first peace and relief you get after being in the presence of him.

you really don't wanna do it but there's no other choice. you've ran yourself into this corner and the only way out--at least for now--is to abide by his rules.

you finally hop into bed after a few minutes of mentally battling yourself.

being able to sleep on an actual bed for what feels like a while is the upside, so it sucks that you're gonna have to share it with what is basically the spawn of satan himself.

you just hope to fall asleep fast enough so you won't have to deal with it when he actually comes back. praying that when you wake up the next morning, he'll also be gone before you know it.

but too much is going through your mind; your thoughts absolutely consuming, that before you can even black out, you hear the fidgeting of the door handle and then the opening of it, much to your disappointment.

you force your eyes shut, pretending to be asleep but the smallest curiosity has you opening just one eye to see what he's doing, having to keep from reacting when you can make out his shirtless torso.

when he senses some movements and suddenly snaps your way, you have to keep up the act of being asleep although the sound of his clothes hitting the floor makes you extremely uncomfortable.

it gets harder to keep it up the second he starts crawling onto bed, pulling up the blanket to situate himself under and then next to you, his chest now flushed against your back and you just wanna kick him off already.

you think it can't get any worse but he proves you wrong by snaking an arm around your waist and practically crushes you with his own skin until you can feel something hard rubbing against the back of your thighs.

"i know you're not asleep," he whispers into your ear, the surprise making you flinch as your eyes open fully to darkness.

you can't see him but you can hear his genuine and amused laughter, immediately attempting to pry off his arm much to no use.

"shhh. don't try to fight it."

and maybe the weight of today finally hit you, because you don't even have the strength to fight him anymore. between sleeping in the same bed with san and him occasionally placing small kisses at your neck, you eventually manage to fall asleep.

the next couple of days goes by with you holding your breath every second you're with him.

he has become stricter; although he didn't let you out of the cabin before, he's now made it an official rule you cannot go out unless he gives you permission.

if he has to leave for his daily business, he makes one of his men guard the door outside and practically has you on watch 24/7.

if he can't bring you food himself, he'd also leave it to them. your whole entire world is basically the perimeter of this room.

you have become so bored (though you've rather be bored and not have him here than be alerted with him), you begged him to let you do something or at least give you something to do.

he dropped off a bunch of books and told you to "do whatever you want with it."

he also tries to treat your injuries at one point despite your stubbornness that finally shows its head again after some time--a stubbornness that only gets worse when you discover something.

because just when you think san's already cruel enough, he goes even further to really show you just how much of an asshole he really is.

the first argument after your little attempted escape happens the night they return from port cove, when you happen to see the man who accompanied you that day to scorched bay when you needed to "use the restroom".

him and someone else were assigned to keep watch on you while the rest were out doing what they do best to the new place they just arrived in, and you just so happened to see him all bruised and battered through the small crack of the door window, or at least in a recovery state where you can still see very clearly the marks made on him.

you confront san as soon he walks into the room and starts his usual undressing for the night.

"were you the one who did that? to the guy that was with me at scorched bay?" you ask, sitting at the edge of the bed.

he almost has to do a double take, the question catching him offguard but not more than the fact you're even talking to him. you usually never do.

"yeah?" he answers, more like a question in return because why are you asking.

an inaudible gasp leaves your mouth at that, the reality setting in that this is who you're really messing with.

someone capable of inflicting physical harms onto others without an ounce of regret or sympathy.

"why?" he adds, his tone starting to sound more taunting. "you have something to say about it?" his head tilts at you mockingly, his hands stopping short at the waistband of his pants.

you gulp before speaking, "i-i just don't think you should've done that."

"and why not? he's one of my men. shouldn't i discipline him if he fails to carry out an order?"

"but it wasn't his fault."

"then whose fault was it?" he tests you, mirth in his eyes and if you could, you would punch him.

"m-mine," you stutter out.

he moves closer to you, your body naturally shrinking and your throat feeling tight.

"then should i punish you instead?" he bends down to look you in the eyes but you're quick to avoid his gaze, grabbing a pillow to stand up and head for the floor at the end of the bed.

"just being with you is already enough of a punishment," you mutter to yourself but you know he hears it, if the chuckle from behind means anything.

"i'm sleeping on the floor tonight," you tell him, setting the pillow down and immediately laying flat, regretting starting the conversation and now just hoping he'll leave you to be.

surprisingly, he shrugs it off and doesn't fight you on it.

"your choice. but if the waves ever gets too much and you wanna hop in bed again, know i'll always welcome with open arms."

the way he says it makes your skin crawls, feeling more annoyed than ever and just wanting to fall asleep for the sake of it all.

"goodnight, love," he coos the same time the bed creaks from above, your only response is to let out a slight puff through your nose.

you probably haven't said more than three words to san in the past couple of days, going out of your way to avoid conversations and only giving him the cold shoulder whenever he's around.

you still haven't slept on the bed since and he doesn't seem to care about it despite making it one of the rules you have to follow.

maybe he's so relaxed about it because he knows you can't do anything even if you act as tough as a nail; at the end of the night, you're still stuck in this stupid cabin with him.

on a day you're passing time the only way you can, he busts into the room earlier than usual and knocks you out of the page you're reading.

"get dressed," he demands out of thin air.

"what?"

"change into something more fitting, i'm bringing you out to meet the rest of the guys."

the book in your hands is forgotten, the mere idea of finally getting the hell out of this tiny cabin more enticing even if you're gonna have to meet a bunch of other guys probably like san.

you're just happy to catch some fresh air in what feels like forever.

"what should i change into?" you ask, watching him walk over to the top drawer as he pulls something out, turning back to extend an arm.

you look down at the fabric and see what looks like a white dress, taking it from him with slight hesitance.

you're about to ask more questions but he's already walking past you, only muttering out, "come out to the deck when you're ready." and leaving you with no choice but to follow his order.

you inspect the piece more closely after, seeing it's a white square neck midi dress and just wondering where does san even get these things from before eventually changing into it.

--

even if you don't know the ship too well, it's not hard to find where exactly san wants you to be; the noises hard to miss and coming from one direction only.

you've never gotten a proper look at the ship considering the only times you had the chance to, san's quick to rush you through it, you've never even realized just how detailed and cluttered everything is.

ropes and barrels almost everywhere and the sea smells much saltier out here, watching the way waves crashes against each other in front of your very eyes just under your feet.

when you make it out to the deck and feel the first pair of eyes on you, it's as if everyone else follows and you suddenly become the center of attention.

the once loud chitters comes to a stop the second you arrive and all you can hear is the background music, scanning the surrounding and seeing jugs of alcohol and men of all kinds standing around with smiles on their faces moments just before you arrived.

you swallow the knot in your throat and look for anything to detract the attention--a familiar face maybe, spotting san at a table a few feet away with two other men before noticing jongho just mere inches from you and alone.

you've barely spoken to jongho but he's the only other person here that you know. and frankly, you feel a lot safer with him given he has shown to have at least some sympathy towards you.

you walk quickly and sit yourself down just right across from him; such choice taking him aback before he eventually breaks the ice.

"don't feel like sitting with san?" he quirks an eyebrow.

"don't feel like ever doing anything with him, to be honest," you let slip even though it might not be the best idea to bad mouth him in front of his people, but jongho just laughs it off.

"why are they all even looking at me?" you add, evidently bothered by all the stares.

"they're curious about you. we all are."

you sigh and roll your eyes at that.

"you all want to see the poor soul he has under his grip?" you say sarcastically despite the lack of animosity and that jongho actually comes off quite genuine.

"no. he just has been talking about you a lot. nonstop. aside from me, yunho, and mingi, none of the other guys and seamen on the ship has really gotten a close look at you. san's a bit stingy."

"stingy is an understatement."

jongho snickers lowly.

"it took a lot of convincing to get him to finally let you out here. hongjoong said it isn't good to keep you in one place for too long... that you might start going crazy."

"well, hongjoong would be right. whoever he is."

"hongjoong's our captain," jongho says, nodding off to a direction you follow, unexpectedly meeting san's unamused gaze. "the one on the left of san. and then to the right would be seonghwa, our quartermaster. when hongjoong isn't around, he takes the lead."

you raise a brow, quite unfamiliar with all these pirate terms but you're learning.

"and you guys steal for a living?" you quip, relieved everyone has gone back to chit chatting and minding their own business as more music and voices fill the background.

you can see the conflicts written all over his face. from what you've known of him so far, jongho seems like a rather decent person it's almost hard to believe he's one of the pirates currently posing a threat to the citizens of wonderland.

"we don't steal because we want to, but because we have to. i know it's hard to believe but it's the truth."

"you guys surely don't seem to feel very bad about it, though..."

jongho is silent, a part of him knows that you're not entirely wrong. but also not entirely right.

"some of us manages to stay true to ourselves despite the circumstances and some loses it along the way. just all part of it, i guess."

it's almost as if he's talking to himself, the bittersweet tone in his voice and the sadden smile, his eyes kept to the table until he finally looks up to you again.

"i know it doesn't excuse his behaviors, but san's had it quite rough before we eventually took him in as an official member. always been a little fucked in the head but he's reliable and gets things done, which is why hongjoong made him the gunner. his violent nature has benefitted us more than not."

you visibly grimace at such information, or maybe it's just the mention of san himself.

"so you guys just let him run loose and do whatever he wants?" like stealing the future of an innocent girl.

jongho recognizes your anger, knowing you're in the absolute right to cry, kick, and scream about this.

"hongjoong did advocated to let you go when he found out but san said you already saw his face and mine and that it would be too dangerous to let you go. i'm sorry."

you certainly wanna cry about just being let go and you won't ever tell on them but you know it's not even worth it.

"so what do you do? i mean, everyone else seems to have a role, you must too, no?" you switch the subject.

he chuckles, a soft smile on his lips after.

"i thought you'd never ask. i'm the crew's navigator. no one knows the ins and outs of wonderland better than i do. at least no one on this ship."

"really?" you beam, the first time you ever felt true and pure excitement ever since stepping foot here. "like... you also have a map?"

he nods.

"can i... can i see it?" you ask shyly, to a genuine giggle from jongho.

"yeah, of course. i was just gonna work on it."

you watch in amazement as he turns to his side to fidget at something before pulling out the rolled up map in the palm of his hand, spreading it out on the table as your eyes go wide.

"wow," you sing, one finger tracing along the drawn islands, towns, rivers, and just about everything with names labeled on each. "this is amazing."

jongho hums along, nodding.

"sorry," you apologize, blushing lightly when you realize just how excited you might've come off. "it might sound silly but it was always my dream to make my own map of wonderland."

"is that so?"

"yeah... i've studied charts, currents, winds, coastlines, and read just about almost everything from the local library regarding the geography of wonderland. of course, nothing beats actually seeing the places for yourself. i hear each maps are always a little different. some more detailed than others. still, i think it'd be fun to create one of my own."

"you can!" he says just as elated as you. "how about... i give you some papers and pens to start with? i mean, it's a start, right?"

"that'd be awesome. it would also really give me something to do in that tiny cabin."

you're actually having such a good time with jongho as he tells you about his finding, walking you through every little thing on the map until you're both joined by the addition of yeosang and wooyoung, two other official members of the main crew.

you learn yeosang is the officer, usually in charge of giving everyone else not on the main crew their daily tasks, and then wooyoung is the cook--the brilliant mastermind behind all of the meals you consume.

the three are so much more lighthearted and easy to talk to compared to san and the other two you had the displeasure of meeting first, you almost wanna be in denial that they're even remotely on the same team.

you might've gotten a little too comfortable and carried away by the presence of the three that you have forgotten about san and completely misses his disapproving gaze the entire time.

it's only when wooyoung suddenly stops mid-sentence and gulps down nervously that you ask what's wrong.

"it's probably best you return to san. he doesn't look very happy."

you glance his direction again and can feel the hostility from the distance, the way he chugs at his drink and loudly slams it down on the table after, the sight already making you dread having to be alone with him.

maybe you should've just sat with him. but then again, he did say he wanted you to meet the guys... which you did, a couple of them at least.

you frown at wooyoung's suggestion, your expression already enough of a response that you'd rather much stay here but you don't say it, instead opting to watch san get out of his seat and laser you a glare before storming off.

you just roll your eyes in return, hoping to resume whatever conversation you were having with the guys and not have to worry about what awaits you after all this.

the rest of the night goes by and you probably feel the most relaxed you've been in a long while, only trying to enjoy the small moments and not think about what horrible things these guys are capable of in spite of actually being quite nice to talk to.

hongjoong and seonghwa shortly introduced themselves after san's departure, and the longer you're with hongjoong the more you can understand why he's the chosen captain.

something about him; the way he talks and presents himself, an aura so strong that you can feel it by just briefly locking eyes for a few seconds.

he controls the topics and knows exactly what to say to keep it going.

seonghwa is a lot more soft-spoken on the other hand, the kind to let things flow and let the people around him talk rather than take charge.

point is, you had a much better time than expected, you don't even wanna go back into that suffocating cabin if not for the night slowly coming to an end.

you bid farewell to the guys and make your way back to the cabin with a tight throat, every second closer to the door makes you wish you could turn back the other way.

you can see from the small window it's pitched black, knocking twice quietly with baited breath before just twisting the knob and finding it unlocked.

keeping the door opened while you reach for the lantern on the side, you jump the second the room lits up and you're finally able to make out san's eyebrows creasing together and with a gaze that could kill while he's sitting on the end of the bed with hands planted onto the sheet, having waited for you the entire time and not asleep like you thought he was.

"had your fun?" he speaks with a tone you can't quite read into, head lowering to the pen and parchment paper jongho had given you.

you clear your throat, shutting the door behind and setting both of it down on the free space shared with the lantern.

"yeah," you answer casually, unaware to the bubbling tension and that such carefree attitude might just be making it worse, walking past him to head for your clothes sitting on top of the drawer. "the guys were a lot more tolerable than i thought."

you mumble the same time you grab your clothes, "i'm gonna change so if you can--" your words dying in your throat midway when you barely spin around and san's already standing tall in front of you, you're literally only centimeters away from bumping into his chest.

"--go out," you finish off awkwardly, the way he has you cornered suddenly shifting the atmosphere--or maybe you just haven't noticed.

"thick-skinned of you to be acting so modest now when you were just throwing yourself at everyone earlier," he accuses, that same look of anger showing but now with something else as well. jealousy.

you retract, offended at such false claims.

"what the hell are you talking about? you wanted me to meet them and i did. that was all that happened."

"all that happened, huh? well you seemed to really enjoy yourself out there with all the attention."

you're in complete and uttter disbelief, you're not even sure what to say; only feeling smaller with his voice raising over you with such ridiculousness.

"whatever, san. think whatever you wanna think, but if you can leave for just a minute so i can finally--"

the clothes fall out of your grasp when he roughly grabs at both your wrists and cuts your words short due to the shock.

"you know what i hate more than a disobedient little bitch?" he growls lowly in your face, the goosebumps on you raising at that. "a disobedient little bitch who's also a whore."

he throws you onto the bed so fast you can barely process it, your worst fear coming to life when he crawls on top of you and traps you in between his arms.

your breathing becomes hitched and you try with your utmost strength to push him away but the effort goes to waste, his hands going to restrain your own as he pins them down onto the sheet beside your head.

and as if you haven't learned your lesson the first time, you spit right in his face again and he's expectedly pissed off about it... more than he already is.

he lets go of one of your hands to shove it under your dress to your protest, kicking with your legs and pushing with your free hand so he doesn't reach the place you're most afraid he would.

"san, please... stop," you cry, all you can do is hit his shoulder pathetically with whatever strength still left in you, but of course, he doesn't listen.

you feel his fingers sneak past your undergarment and to the very spot you've always thought only a lover should feel and see. not someone like san.

the warmness of his fingers running along your flesh has never made you feel so dirty in your life, but when you look into his eyes and see the sinister smile plastered so smugly on his lips, all you can feel is hatred.

his fingers entering you makes you shutter in disgust even if you arch your back slightly and let just the smallest moan slip, you realize in this very moment where you're powerless, the only thing that still holds some of that power are your words.

so you aim to hurt.

"i don't care. you can take my body, you can take whatever you want, but you'll never take my heart. i hate you and i always fucking will!" you shout at him, some of the smugness disappearing slowly at that.

"shut the fuck up!" he curses back, his speed picking up with his anger, but you just keep going.

"you ruined my life! i was doing just fine before you came along, and i already have someone i love! if you didn't take me, i would still be with him!"

that seems to about done it, his fingers stopping the same time his chest heaves in and out with fumes brimming under his nose.

"you think i give a fuck about that? about him? about whether you two loved each other?" he gets in your face. "you're mine now and i can do whatever i want to you."

you're just about to bite back when he roughly takes your lips in for a messy kiss and his fingers in your core goes back to pumping in and out at such a pace that has you almost squirming.

you shouldn't feel like this. you should only hate everything about this but your body has a mind of its own and you can't deny the pleasure overflowing from the work of san's fingers.

he's kissing you too roughly--biting, pulling and tugging, you have to brace your hold onto his shoulders just to keep from falling out of place.

"you act like you hate it, but you actually fucking love it, slut," he pulls from the kiss briefly to say, not allowing a response from you before crashing his lips onto yours again.

it all goes on for a while too long until you feel the walls of your vagina close in on his fingers and he finally pulls out with a plop the same time he breaks the kiss.

you feel dirty, used, and pathetic after. especially still laying in bed trying to catch your breath with your core still soaking wet, watching as san says nothing but gets up and leaves the room with a slam of the door.

you haven't seen san since he stormed off two days ago after such an experience that you'd rather forget about.

every time thinking back to it, you feel disgusted with yourself for even finding the slightest pleasure and enjoyment in a moment where you shouldn't--the guilt building in your stomach whenever the scene plays out again, and all you can think of is minsoo.

it's as if you've betrayed him--letting another man touch you in ways he shouldn't be allowed to.

different people comes in and out through the day to bring you food, each of them you cannot put a name to.

it's usually at 7 p.m. where your last meal is delivered, expecting for another nameless face to show but is taken aback when you see it's jongho himself.

he has a plate of cooked fish and water on the side, greeting you with a thin smile as he steps into the room and sets the food aside.

"how's things going for you?" he asks, voice a tinge of pity already.

you've been busying yourself with the same parchment paper and pen that jongho gave you, having drawn the cardinal directions and just about almost every islands belonging to those areas that you're aware of--its existence at least.

"i'm... alive, i guess?" because you're not really living. at this point, you're merely just breathing and coping. "how about san? i haven't seen him in two days."

it's not that you care. you much rather prefer it this way, but you just wonder what else he could be doing.

"he's upset."

you scoff, genuinely surprise someone like san can even remotely feel such an emotion.

"about what?" you ask dryly because you're failing to believe it.

"he wouldn't tell us all of it, but something about you having another lover already."

you keep quiet out of incredulity, because he can kidnap you and force things against your will, but dare you say something back that holds some truth and he's like a wounded animal.

"he said he'll be coming back tomorrow," jongho informs, seeing the irritation mixed with horror that crosses your face the second you hear those words.

"listen, y/n," he continues, voice still full of that softness you know jongho to sound like, but it's similar to the first time he met you in this cabin again, almost as if he's lecturing you. "i know it sucks."

"yeah, it does suck," is all you say, at this point derived of pretty much all hopes and chances of leaving this ship.

"but if you want to raise the odds of getting out of here, you have to stay on san's good side."

just jongho saying that feels like the first slip of sunlight you've gotten in ages; the revive of hope, even if only slightly. your eyes go wide and you can only stare before blurting, "you mean it?"

he still looks hesitant but eventually nods.

"we're now heading west... we've been for a couple of days now. i'm sure you're somewhat familiar with the myths regarding the seas surrounding the west. they're bigger, more dangerous, unpredictable... especially rocky port."

you only nod and continue to let him speak.

"it's the one place the guys want to avoid, though i've been trying to convince them we should try for it. i've been studying the currents and tide surrounding the area and i think we can make it there safely if we go at certain times but they still think it's too risky. lots of pirates and sailors are known to not make it out of the area."

"my point is," he adds, shaking his head as if going off on an unrelated tangent, "you have to convince san to head to rocky port. if he's with it, he might be able to get the rest to reconsider. and if you do make it happen, i'll help you escape."

your throat closes up, too much information to process and so many questions at once, but at the same time still able to feel the thrill from just the possibility of being free.

"how exactly is something i'm still working on, but i know all of their schedules; when san goes in and out of the cabin. i'll be the one to bring you food when most convenient and when i eventually think of something."

"but how am i gonna be able to convince him?" you ask, probably the part you're most confused about.

conflict is written all over his face before he answers, "you have to win his heart. whatever you have to do, it's the only way to gain his trust."

he looks over his shoulder to the door. "i have to go. i know this is asking a lot of you in return but there's no reward without risk, and we're both gonna be taking pretty big ones, so think of it as an exchange of favor."

when you don't say anything, he excuses himself, his back facing you.

"wait," you stop, just short of his grip on the door handle. "why are you helping me?"

you can see his smile from the side, his head only slightly turned back to look at you.

"because i think you deserve to choose your own destiny, don't you also?"

and even though he phrased it like a question, it's more of a statement because he doesn't let you answer, bidding you a goodnight and walking out leaving you to digest what happened just now.

--

you don't fully grasp the meaning of jongho's words until you're left to your own devices moments later, tossing and turning in bed.

“but if you want to raise the odds of getting out of here, you have to stay on san’s good side.”

“you have to win his heart. whatever you have to do, it’s the only way to gain his trust.”

the comprehension makes your skin crawls and you feel dirty all over again, similar to the last night you saw san.

but the cold, hard truth is that this is the world you're living in now. a world that you cannot survive in unless you strip yourself bare of any ounce of dignity and self-respect you have.

that if it's the only way you can possibly make it back to your father and minsoo again, you might have to take the chance.

betray who you are and lie in the face of the person you hate the most just to have your life back in your hand, though it should've never been taken in the first place.

san returns the following day just as jongho said he would; a creak of the door while you work on correcting details of the map, unmoved from your seat all day.

you look over your shoulder and merely meet his eyes but neither of you says anything before you pull away to look back down at the map.

there's a minute of silence just listening to him shuffle behind you, the small room allowing you to feel his presence not far away, glancing back as discreetly as possible to see he's unbuttoning his now white shirt.

if you have a choice, you wouldn't do it. but jongho's words ring loudly in your ears and all you can hear is the mission you're out to fulfill and the freedom that might come from it.

you take a deep breath and brace yourself for whatever's about to happen, sure enough that you've thought it through after a night of restless sleeping.

standing from your seat, you walk over to san and you can tell even he's surprise when your hands suddenly overtakes his on one of the buttons he's working through.

he glares at you, raising a brow in response.

"what?" he says coldly.

you clear your throat before speaking. "i-i just want to help you... as an apology for the other day."

you can barely look at him, afraid that he just might be able to see through you--and as much as you hate his guts, you have to admit he's attractive with very prominent features that complements the work he does.

he smirks at your answer because for someone like san, nothing strokes his ego more than thinking he's in the right; feeling your heartbeat multiply when he slowly pulls you in closer.

you thought you were ready to sacrifice anything but every inch of space closed off between you two, the doubts start creeping up if you truly are ready, given how much you actually wanna run.

"is that so?" his breath ghosts against your skin, proceeding to lift your chin up to lock eyes that has you blinking in apprehension; just the way he's staring at you sends a jump of butterflies to your stomach.

you only nod, trying to keep yourself from faltering on the spot when he goes to guide your fingers with the last three buttons, unclasping them one by one with a tension in the air that only grows when the last one comes undone.

his naked torso sits in front of you, and though you've seen it a couple times by now, you don't think you ever truly want to admire it more than right now, tracing the lines of his abs and rubbing over the bumps tenderly by your own doing.

soon, you take it upon yourself to pull the shirt off as it drops to the floor, the sight in front of you almost too delicious but wrong at the same time.

still, you have to get on his good side, staring up at him and biting at your lips like he's the only person you're ever gonna need for the rest of your life.

he's quick and fast to fulfill the look in your eyes, pulling you even closer by your arms until you're flushed against his bare chest and now trying to hide the fear despite knowing it's too late to back out now.

"how sorry are you, exactly?" he teases, eyes lowering to mock you.

"r-really sorry," you stutter out, attempting to keep the composure.

"then show me." he almost growls but it actually comes out a lot more mellow, his head dipping in for an immediate kiss that unlike any of the ones before, you don't fight it.

instead, you wrap your arms around his neck and return the kiss like you mean it. like you don't actually loathe his guts and wanna throw him overboard.

clashing your tongue along with his and continuing that even when your back hits the sheet of the bed and he's hovering over you before pulling away, a look in his eyes never so hungry and desperate in his life.

you watch as he unbuckles his pants and sees the bump protruding from his underwear, time seemingly passing by so slow and torturous you just wish for it to be over with.

and after a couple more minutes of passionately making out (at least that's what it looks like) where he undresses you in the process, he sends his fingers down the same way they were in before the last time you two were in this position.

moans and cries of pleasure escapes your lips against your will until your vision fills itself with only stars, your skin also betraying you and shuttering when he whisper words of insults into your ear.

"you look much better like this. under me where you belong."

and when he finally spreads your legs and rules over your body the only way he can--a squirm leaving you when he buries his entire length inside your cunt, the conflict swirling in your stomach reaches its height.

you've ever only imagined doing such a thing with someone you love, your heart clenching and a lone tear escaping at the fact that won't be happening anymore.

despite still having your arms around his neck and displaying no signs of resistance, you think of minsoo and your father to get through with it.

that you're doing it for a greater good; a chance. and one day, it will be worth it, even if it doesn't seem like it currently.

--

you learn what it means to really get on san's good side. that only when you throw away any ounce of respect you have for yourself, that's when you get his in return.

he's nicer to you and talks nicer to you, a sweet tone always on his tongue every time he tucks a hair behind your ear or every time he meets your eyes--staring at them so lovingly like he wasn't the one bringing out tears from them not even that long ago.

but you go with it. of course you do. stare at him right back with blinking lashes and return the same sweet words you don't even mean, all because he finally lets you out of the cabin.

not only allowing you out when he says so, but whenever you want. whenever you wanna get some fresh air or just walk around the ship, he said.

doing so has led you into the two other boys you haven't properly met up until this point--yunho and mingi, who were almost as responsible as san for your capture, and who doesn't seem to be as approachable as the others, always with a cold look on both their faces.

it just makes sense they were the ones to help san.

but on the bright side, sometimes while on the deck, you'll catch jongho coming from his cabin or already at a table, always sending you a smile and a knowing look.

though san lets you roam freely, a luxury you've still haven't earned is being able to talk to anyone.

he doesn't seem to trust you regarding that just yet, or maybe because every time you bring it up, there's still always that tinge of jealousy present similar to the first night when you finally met the other guys.

luckily, you don't have the need to talk to anyone but jongho, who does so as he said he would--sneaking an appearance in one day when it's time to eat.

it's also the one thing you told san you'd be okay with still doing in your room even if he gave you permission to go out with the rest. all so you can get the chance to speak one on one with jongho to know where exactly the plan is heading.

"how are you doing?" he asks, sitting across from you in the spare chair as you make the end of the bed your home.

to be in your position is tough. he knows this. he didn't wanna say it. tell you what you really have to do to get someone like san to even remotely look at you as a person of your own.

"it's been alright," you answer, doubting for second if it's the right one.

if you truly have been brainwashed, used to being confined down here like a prisoner all day that even being able to go out and catch some air is considered a privilege.

you should be more bitter and spiteful because in the end, no matter how high the highs are, it's still at the cost of yourself.

"i'm sorry again. for making you do this. it's... the only way i know how to get you out."

you shake your head, again with the half-baked lies you're feeding yourself, but you need the push to keep going so that the reality doesn't set in. something positive in all of this mess.

"it's fine, trust me," you tell him, as much as you're trying to tell yourself. "i'm okay. as long as we go through with it, it won't be for nothing."

because san's actually quite tender and loving after sex; his temper and need for aggression seemingly having died down after the first night and you're at least glad for that.

jongho stays silent, maybe a part of him already knows how you're feeling even if you don't say so.

"we'll be hitting up mist island tomorrow. it'll be the first place from the west. shortly after should be rocky reef. you have about four days from now to convince san. after reef, if we don't head for port after, the guys will make a detour and it'll be too late."

"also," he adds, "it's best you don't wander while we're still in the west. again, the waves are more aggressive here and it's gonna be pretty hard on the ship for the meantime."

you nod understandably.

"no chance of us flipping over or anything?" you let the joke slip as an attempt to lighten the mood.

jongho snickers lowly.

"i hope not," he replies with the same lighthearted tone. "no, but really. we'll be fine. i've advised them to take a less taxing route."

you smile at that, though the idea of the ship overturning doesn't sound too bad, especially if it takes san with it.

jongho goes on, "by the way, just so we're clear and you're not thinking why i didn't help you sooner, if there's a place that you'll have the best chance of successfully fleeing, it'll be rocky port. i heard they have one of the best systems, as well as some of the best sailors and navigators to know the sea due to having lived in such a rough area. it will be your best bet back to dune. plus, you said your father is sick?"

"yes."

"they have good medicines. plants known for curing diseases no man was able to. if you do return, it might help your father."

you've never felt happier (at least in the entirety you've been on this ship) that you might not only be free from san's grip but that there's also a chance you'll be able to help your father if he already hasn't gotten better.

"if i'm able to convince him, how would we go at it if we do get there?"

he quirks his lips slightly. "you make up some kind of excuse and i'll fight to be the one to escort you, whatever it is. from there, i'll give you all the coins you'll ever need to get someone to take you back to dune, along with any medicines you need for your father which i should be able to acquire considering we usually tour the places out of disguise beforehand."

"and if san comes looking for me?"

"he won't. i'll make sure he won't. just stay in hiding and don't even come out until the crack of dawn. our ship should be leaving by then and i'll also make sure of that. we also won't be stepping foot into any of the south seas again and if san tries, you can put your trust in me i'll do everything that doesn't happen."

you don't know whether to be impressed or scared the fact jongho seems to have thought just about everything through.

"thank you, jongho. really." your voice full of gratitude you can't express enough in words.

he smiles in response.

"no need to thank me. i'm just trying to do the right thing, i guess."

there's a few seconds where you guys just embrace the comfortable silence until jongho speaks again.

"i have to go. stay any longer and the others might start raising an eyebrow. good luck, okay? i'll talk to you soon."

you nod. "you, too. good luck."

it sounds like enough of a thorough and executable plan, right?

you can tell san's in the mood based on the first few gestures he makes when he gets in bed, usually whispering into your ear and running his fingers under your shirt if he's up for it--and delivering just a short kiss to your cheek and goodnight if he isn't.

when he sends a quick peck to your cheek, you're not surprise he doesn't want to tonight.

they'll finally be landing in the west tomorrow so the guys must've had quite a hefty discussion considering he was gone for most part of the day.

"san," you call his name quietly in the night, taking it upon yourself to start a conversation and shifting on your side to meet his eyes in the darkly lit room.

"yeah?" he replies.

he looks so calm in such a setting, his face deprived of any malice and signs that tells of the actual man he is.

"we'll be landing in mist island tomorrow?" you ask with feigning innocence.

"yeah."

"i-is it okay if i go out tomorrow? for a little bit? i really wanna see the place." you put on your sweetest tone because it's a genuine question. you do.

you've always wondered what islands, towns, and cities beyond dune are like, but even more so what's beyond the south seas. you hear they're more prosperous; filled with riches and buildings you won't ever see down in the south.

even the people are different.

but when san is seemingly unfazed, his thumb going to caress one side of your face instead, you already know the answer.

"sorry, dear. can't just yet. not until we get to the north at least. you'll be able to roam more freely then."

the north. you think of how nice that sounds. finally seeing for yourself what you've always dreamed of, as if places from fairytales you've been reading since you were a child coming to life.

but for once, you wish you won't have to see it. wish that the west--that rocky port is as far as you make it.

you take a deep breath, sighing into the night. "fine."

at least when they're gone tomorrow, it'll give you time to really think through a believable enough lie that'll get san and the rest to where you need to be.

--

the spot next to you is empty when you wake up, your head slightly throbbing whether from how the ship fought the sea of the west last night, or maybe it's the new chatters and voices of the morning.

one of the biggest signs of being close to land are the presence of other people.

the event of yesterday hits you, recalling the ship should now be in mist island, you're quick to peek outside the small window of the door, only able to see crates and maybe the heads of a few passersby.

it doesn't hurt to just get a glance, right? it's the least san should allow you to do if he isn't gonna let you out.

you twist the knob of the door, pushing it forward only to come face first with one of san's men standing outside. of course.

but the smell... it's fresher, your nose sniffing the air like a fish fresh out of water and the cold that grazes your skin along with a breeze is different.

you're not very used to such weather and condition because you grew up in the south where it was basically summer all year long--the reason why most of the places there are named either after the sun or the heat.

"you can't be out here," he tells you sternly that you almost wanna roll your eyes to.

"i know. i just wanna look for a bit."

you quickly scan the area (at least the parts you can see) with awe, noticing along the way the light fog that seems to grace the place permanently and sticking to its name of mist island.

the buildings isn't rundown or made of bamboo and whatever woods they could find, and though it doesn't hold the familiarity of dune and the south seas with townsfolk running all over the place, citizens still populates the sidewalks and talk to each other... in a more calm and tame manner.

no running or fooling around, a certain grace in even the way they stand, but especially in the way they dress.

no clothes that looks worned or unwashed, the fabrics clean and polished to the eyes.

"ma'am?" he breaks your train of thoughts, to which you really roll your eyes in return this time.

"i know."

you give the place one last admiration before stepping back inside the cabin of doom, jongho's words playing in your head.

"you have about four days from now to convince san. after reef, if we don’t head for port after, the guys will make a detour and it’ll be too late.”

you only have three more days. tonight, they will leave for reef and you're gonna need to strike as soon as possible--pacing around the room to think of anything you can possibly use against san.

he's an asshole, but he isn't stupid.

and after a few hours of going in circle, you think it just might work.

“they have good medicines. plants known for curing diseases no man was able to. if you do return, it might help your father.”

--

it's the next night after mist island and before they can even reach rocky reef. you figure the time is as good as now, giving san at least two days to think it through instead of stalling and only having one where he could possibly rush the decision.

his chest is pressed up against your back with his hard-on rubbing at your thighs, his fingers slowly sneaking under your shirt.

he's more likely to be in the mood on days where he does very little and has more energy reserved at the end of the night. you also made sure to be extra sweet to him today since you planned this out, but now going on to stop his hand short of reaching your breast.

"san," you call, similar to the other night.

"what?" he answers boredly, at this point already accustomed to you only calling his name when you need something, which you admit you're guilty of.

you turn to face him, holding your breath before spewing the first few words of the lie you've been brewing, having thought out every possible scenarios and responses ahead of time.

"i'm not feeling too well."

not only did you make sure you were on your best behaviors today, but you also made sure to act sick whenever he was around--coughing, sighing from time to time, lower energy, and maybe be a bit dramatic so he'll notice.

it doesn't seem like he did, or maybe he just doesn't care. but he won't have any reasons to doubt if you bring it up.

"i think it may be that i'm not used to the cold or maybe i caught something, i'm not sure," you add onto the lie when he doesn't say anything, only slightly raising a brow in response.

"and how long have you been feeling like this?"

"starting yesterday. i thought i was just feeling a little under the weather and it'd go away but it seems to have gotten worse today."

you wait in anticipation, not wanting to jump ahead of yourself. it's better you be patient and calculate the responses when the timing is right, but the way he looks just permanently stuck in a trance of thinking is slowly starting to tick you off.

"it shouldn't be too bad. it'll probably go away after a few days, and if not, we're reaching reef tomorrow and can get you something there."

well, he sure does have a way to disappoint.

"but what if it doesn't?" your pitch grows higher, even turning your lips downward for a pout. "c-can we go to rocky port after reef?"

you have expected the confusion to cross san and it's exactly what happens. but you also know that as much as san claims to give a shit about you, that reason alone isn't gonna be enough to move him.

"plus, wouldn't it also be good for you guys to go there? skipping an entire island means losing an entire island's worth of coins, goods... they also have advanced medicines and remedies. you guys can take some for the journey."

you can't tell if it's annoyance crossing him or he's just in deep thoughts trying to digest your words and weighing all the pros and cons of it.

"i'll think about it," he finally says after some time, much to your relief and joy.

it's a good start. not a definitive answer but at least he isn't dismissing the idea entirely.

"i'll have to talk it over with hongjoong and the rest first," he adds, to a nod from you and a smile he doesn't fully see in the dark. "if you're not feeling well, then get some rest . i'll talk to you in the morning."

he places a kiss to your forehead before pulling back to your blinking eyes.

"goodnight, san," you coo.

"goodnight."

--

you wake up a couple times throughout the night due to the harsher ripple of water, most of them to san staring back and attempting to calm you to sleep again.

for your final wake, he takes you into his arms and cradles you, resting his chin on top of your head that's buried into his chest as you close your eyes and let the drowsiness take over.

it's almost weird how safe you can feel in the presence of him in a situation like this.

--

the arrival to rocky reef is no different than before; only thing different is the time much later in the afternoon, allowing for you to spend some time with san, proceeding to ask him briefly before he leaves if you can take a look at the place from where you are.

he says to not make it too long, taking his official leave and sending one of his men outside the door again in replacement.

and if you think the people and buildings in mist island were nice, rocky reef is even nicer. it's plausible that at this point, the further you head north, the more sophisticated it will only get.

the entire time he's gone, you keep your head straight so you don't lose focus on your initial goal--that tonight, san has to make the decision or else it'll be too late.

"i got these for you," he says, handing you a bottle of pills after returning from the long day, his black attire still stuck to his skin. "you feeling any better?"

you shake your head, quite desperate at this point. you really need it to work or else you'd have to face jongho with the news of failure.

"not really," you answer, voice timid and sick to the best of your ability.

he doesn't say anything while he changes out of his shirt, facing you again when it's off--a look on him like something dying to leave his throat.

"i talked to hongjoong and the rest."

you keep calm and let him talk even if you can hear your own heartbeat in your ears.

"they said it'd be good to give it a try. rocky port... jongho's also talked about it before and knows a way around it."

"r-really?" your heartbeat seems to get louder, but this time out of relief and an excitement different from any before.

"yeah," he confirms, the smile on him morphing into a smirk at the state of you. "a bit esctatic, aren't you?"

you gulp. "well, yeah. i mean, i-i wasn't sure if it was gonna happen at all."

"it's gonna happen, and you have me to thank for."

the next two days are a mix of anxiety and thrill, now that you've set the course, all there's left is to execute it.

jongho shared a knowing nod just the other day when you passed by the deck, casually and naturally starting a conversation with you before quietly slipping a note that you opened only when you were alone.

i'm glad you followed through. i appreciate it. i haven't been bringing in foods because i want to avoid any attention and suspicions for when we do eventually arrive at port. i hope you're taking care of yourself in the midst of all of this. when we're there, i'll give you the sign and just follow my lead - jongho

you still carry on your performance of being unwell so san knows whatever he got you from mist island didn't work; the pretentious state serving you more benefits than you would've thought.

other than kissing you a good morning and good night and cuddling you from behind during sleep, he doesn't initiate any other forms of intimacy, you honestly can't believe you haven't put up the act sooner.

but even if he does, you console in the hope that in just a day, you'll be free from his grip forever; that you'll do anything in exchange for freedom even if that's spending another night with san, body tangled and having to catch your breath under him.

everyone has been warned to keep off the deck aside from jongho who knows the route more than anyone, so if san isn't stuck to the bed flipping through pages of whatever he's reading, he's sniffing the hair down your neck and taking interest in the progress you've made on the 'map' so far.

--

it's the most restless night of sleep you've ever gotten, having to reframe from tossing and turning due to your back being practically glued to san's chest, but you still stare into the darkness with a heavy heart.

everything you and jongho did is for this very moment. a part of you thrilled, of course, but another is also filled with doubts with just the smallest possibility of it going wrong.

what would san do to you if he found out? if he caught you in the midst of the plan and realized everything that has been going on. what would he do to jongho?

and exactly what sign is jongho gonna use? what if you miss it? your mind races with uncertainty, scaring yourself into sleep because you wouldn't want san to suspect why you're still up and about and with a heartbeat that's about to burst.

the morning after san leaves as he usually does, you pace around the room biting your nails in apprehension, eventually deciding to fold the map you've been working on the smallest you possibly can and shoving it into the pocket of your pants.

it's the only thing in this room worth bringing if you have to make a run for it now.

the voices outside seems to only get louder the more hours go by, and just when you're thinking when jongho's gonna give you any sort of sign, the knock at the door takes your breath away.

it's jongho, his expression neutral and eyes skimming past your shoulders into the room before uttering a "come with me".

you follow behind him to the rest of them on the deck, all their heads turning at once, but you especially don't miss san's--a rather unamused look on his face that makes you swallow the knot in your throat.

"i told you, i can take her myself," san says, glaring straight at jongho.

"no. hongjoong and the rest need you. it's best you stay here. we'll be back before you even know it," jongho assures, the way he talks full of confidence and you could almost believe him.

san fumes, annoyance written all over him, but before he can object again, seonghwa beats him to it.

"jongho's right. it's best he takes her. he knows the place better, and plus, we'll need you here in case anything happens."

you watch san struggle with himself, a word on the tip of his tongue not coming out and sighing in irritation until he eventually gives in.

"fine. but no later than evening, or else i'll come to scrounge these ground myself."

a calm smile rest at jongho's lips, his body bending forward to bow slightly. "of course."

as you follow jongho off the ship, you sneak a brief glance at san because if everything goes as planned, it'll hopefully be the last time you see him.

"what did you tell them?" you ask, when at a safe enough distance from the watchful eyes of the others.

"that it's best you go see a doctor," he explains.

"and where are we going exactly?"

"somewhere far enough from here," is all he says. you don't question him or even have the time to admire the scenery, your mind too entirely occupied by a single goal.

you just keep walking, not sure for how long but when jongho finally stops for the first time, your know your legs are gonna be sore tomorrow.

"here," he says, taking off the pouch that has been sitting around his waist the entire time and handing it to you. "it has all the coins you need to get someone to take you back and extra as well for anything else. i also dropped by the pharmacy as soon as we arrived and got what i could."

you're speechless, staring at the pouch a little too long. the moment bittersweet like saying goodbye to a lifelong friend.

"thank you, jongho," you tell him the same time you take the pouch, throwing it over your head and onto your shoulder like a crossbody bag. "i don't know how to thank you enough."

"there's no need. i already know, trust me," he comforts you with a smile. "you remember what i said, right?"

you nod, repeating the words he said to you last time, "stay in hiding and don’t even come out until the crack of dawn."

"good. i'll be on my way now."

you're surprise when his back is already to you and feet about to start walking away, your voice raising to stop him for one last time.

"jongho..."

he stops in place and turns to you only halfway, "yeah?"

"how are you gonna deal with it when san finds out?"

he smiles and proceeds to tell you calmly, "don't worry. i have my ways. good luck, y/n."

you take a short breath, choosing to believe in him.

"you, too. good luck, jongho."

6 months later

at the time, you weren't sure if it was gonna work; the chances of it all crashing down higher than not... but it did.

you stayed in hiding on a hungry stomach and barely any sleep even past the crack of dawn, the ship probably already gone for hours by the time you finally peeked around the corner, each steps bolder and closer to the dock to confirm the departure of the ship that filled your head with mostly negative memories.

from then, with the money jongho had given you, you were able to get someone to take you back to dune--the look on your father's face when you returned as vivid as the day it happened, as if you came back from the dead.

it's the same look minsoo and a few other townsfolk gave you, none of them able to accurately explain your disappearance; only that it happened the same day the pirates raided.

some thought you were dead, or worse--sold off somewhere, because there was no way a girl like you would be able to survive out in the seas with a group of thieves and possibly murderers.

they all considered your return a miracle, and so did you--the first couple of days bombarded with questions of your exact whereabouts and you remember not even knowing where to start.

you remember still processing everything and mourning for the life you thought you had lost; as if given another chance at it again.

everyone you told asked if you saw the faces of the pirates that took you, but you simply lied and said you didn't. you just think everything is better left in the past, not having to dwell on it or to want some kind of retribution for what happened.

you feel that somewhat and somehow, jongho must've known this; the fact you wouldn't rat them out.

but the event gave you a new outlook on life, how you used to want to get out of such a small place but now you have no other desire but to stay here with the people you love for as long as possible.

it taught you to be grateful for what you have because in any given second, those things could be taken away.

minsoo had been caring for your father during the time you were gone, and with the remedies and medicines jongho gave you, your father was able to recover within just a matter of days.

now, you've gone back to the routine of tending crops and animals with your father to make ends meet and you wouldn't trade it for the world--life seemingly back to just as it was before. safe and secure.

you spent the first two months in paranoia, afraid every single day that just by chance, jongho would break his promise or knowing how san is, he'd find a way back somehow.

only until you realized you were wasting more time worrying than living life did you learn to give it up. if he wanted to find you, he would've already.

but just because he wasn't next to you anymore didn't mean he still didn't hold some sort of power over you, ever since sleeping with him and doing things only lovers did, you no longer wish to do any of those with minsoo.

even if you hold great feelings for minsoo--feelings you can't ever hold for san, you can't help but to think of him at any thoughts of intimacy.

there isn't a single thing you're unable to talk about with minsoo, the boy the least judgmental person you know, but you won't ever tell him what you had to give up in order to come back to him.

--

the view from atop of the hill is the same as you remember, a few months ago your breath taken away when you finally saw it again for the first time in a while.

ever since, you and minsoo has been making it more of a habit to show--even more than before.

when you look out far enough, you can still picture all the other islands, towns, and settlements--most of them you've actually been to yourself. but now, only the mere idea of it sounds good.

you like being here, exactly where you are.

"so, you ever think of finishing the map?" minsoo would always ask, and you'd always tell him 'maybe'.

he thinks it's impressive but you wish he had seen jongho's work. sometimes, you get the urge to tell him about jongho and how much he helped you. but again, it's all things you wanna leave behind.

on the way home, you pick up a couple groceries to make soup for your father, learning new recipes a hobby of yours lately on top of picking up new books.

you've adapted to the routine even if it's repetitive, making sure your father eats before sending him off to bed so you can occupy yourself with whatever book you managed to find from the library this week for the next hour before calling it a night.

you're just about to sip on your tea when the knock at the door at such an odd hour takes your attention, placing the book down on the nearby table immediately and getting up from the seat.

if it's not minsoo, you don't know who else. unless one of the neighbors wanna complain again.

you fling the door open, a snarky remark already slipping because you're so sure it's minsoo. "why are you--"

but all you need for confirmation it's not him and that life really is so cruel and unfair, is for you to come face first with that stupid tattoo that is every reminder of the hell you thought you were free from.

that black ink on his chest in the shape of an ‘a’ and a circle you wanna scrape off just as much as the equally stupid smirk on his face.

"miss me, princess?"