all the things i’ll never know

i used to explore. i used to walk around feeling so secure and safe and happy and like i owned the whole damn campus. then i was met with the worst surprise.

it was like any deviation meant id run into him. i couldnt take different paths. i couldnt find different study spots. i couldn’t walk to this building for coffee or this building for a snack because he’d be there. so i stopped that. didnt go anywhere besides one building at a time and when i didnt have class id go home.

learning that i’m the object of my abuser’s affections is highly uncomfortable. that the facts of our relationship and the ways he hurt me basically don’t exist in our eyes. throughout so much of what happened, i was treated like nothing, like i was worthless. and three years later i’ve been rewritten into the perfect girl, the one that got away (yes. i did get away. i’m praying to god i got away)

what makes it hard is bpd. wanting attention, even bad attention. wanting to be wanted, yearned after, a phantom in his mind that makes him regret hurting me. but even underneath those thoughts i can feel the delusion, how they don’t make sense and aren’t helpful. i can’t exactly make them go away (i’ve had them for a while, much more than a month) i at least have the clarity to know those thoughts are symptoms. not truly me and not truly what i want.

still have the conversations about the assaults saved. in my mind i still think of them as “evidence”…

and i have this horrible mix of being sick to my stomach and also feeling like im overreacting and faking. yeah. for the past 2 1/2 years worth of trauma therapy, crying, nightmares, and panic attacks. sure.

day of i was freaking out and didn’t want to go and didnt want to be rude and cancel. the guy is seriously a sweetie pie but im so scared. i cry just thinking about romance or dating…. and we were out for literally 5 hours. had a great time chatting. made a fool of myself i bet. and still turned him down.

now i still feel bad. i should’ve left sooner. shouldnt have been so playful even though that’s my personality. my mom said i led him on. didnt put out. my friend said i should never feel pressured for ANYTHING.

but im still so worried. i hate the idea of romance but i want a loving relationship so badly. while being fucking terrified of it. thinking about it for too long makes me cry, it’s terrible. but somehow whats worse is feeling like i seem like a bitch, or stuck up, or fake or mean. when in reality i feel like if someone likes me they expect things of me. things they’ll use me for. and if i can’t offer those things i feel like they’ll hurt me. i feel it so strongly even now.