the girl almighty

My best friend and I lost someone to suicide and it literally flipped our lives upside down. There was us before, and us after. The before version was fun and young, but the after version was just unmatched. Like, the sadness and the grief and the anger and the confusion and the darkness was enough to consume you. It was so powerful. One Direction was the absolute driving force that made the after us unstoppable. We were still sad, and we were still heartbroken, but we were having FUN. Silly, happy, goofy fun. One Direction meant girlhood. One Direction helped us realize that it was OK to still experience joy and happiness when the guilt of doing fun things was too much to handle.

One Direction gave the after us something to feel excited about, and something to cherish. I'm 31 now, but my soul is still in my early 20s. Sadly the broken part is still there too, but we pieced so much of it back together through live music and tears and there was just NOTHING like the energy that came with seeing One Direction live. We made friends and we made memories and I'm just eternally grateful that when suicide rocked our worlds, we had an escape. And it feels so unreasonably surreal for the universe to lose Liam this way. It's not fair and it feels so personal and my heart is just hurting so bad.

One Direction was supposed to live forever. Matt was supposed to live forever. I feel almost kind of like somebody hit rewind on my emotions and I'm feeling things I haven't felt in a long time and it's just sucky. One Direction losing a member to what is seeming like a suicide just... isn't how it was supposed to be.

He was flawed and did horrible things but he was also someone's dad and my mama heart is just ....God. I am just so sad.