attic chest

telling my friends i'm always here when they're in pain or struggling and yet i cant even come forward to say everything that's rotting inside me to anyone. i tell them, dont ever feel like you're a burden (which they're not) and yet i feel like i'm bothering them if i tell them what i really feel. it feels hypocritical of me.

one of my closest friends even told me that im that one friend she cant tell her struggles to because my energy's different. not in a bad way. she said, i'm that one friend na ang dami nyang nilulook forward when she talks to me and we're hanging out together.

in a way, it was flattering but kinda also felt sad that they think im not someone they can run to when they feel alone. i dont want to be a fair-weather friend. i want to be there for them and get through anything with them because they mean so much to me.

but on a different perspective, maybe she just doesnt want to ruin her happy space. maybe, im the one she can go to so she wont feel sad. maybe she forgets her problems when she's with me and im a ray of sunshine after all.

that's how i want to look at it and i realized that i want to be that friend. someone who helps them chase their sadness away. i want to make my friends laugh, have a good time and feel even for a moment that life's also about happy moments like this.

all my life i've always known im made to live in the province. away from all these bustling streets and depressing concrete buildings.

i want to be surrounded by grass, trees, flowers. places where birds sing to you in the morning. the sound of roosters wake you up and no matter how hard you still try to snooze, you'll have to get up because the day awaits you.

a cold morning breeze and a warm cup of coffee or hot choco in hand.

you take a sip while you look over the rice paddies while rays of sun try to shine trough the hollows of the tree branches and leaves.

that's the kind of life i want. i want to smell the earth and touch the sand whenever i want because it's that accessible. i want to ride a bike and just go swim in the nearest river or sea whenever i want.