A Tragic Victim

Every time I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom I say “I’m at my worst today”, usually it’s just a bad day, hormones, an argument or a combination of all, but today I feel small.

I feel as though I’m of no value, as if tomorrow were to come and I’m no longer there, nothing would change, today I feel small.

I wish I could end this constant state of being on edge it’s like I just quit smoking and I’m craving a fix, I wish that the littlest of things don’t just break me or make me feel even less, I wish I can wake up and look into my own reflection and notice the good parts, it’s never been an issue for me to see that in others yet every time that girl in the reflection looks back at me I want to look away.

Today I feel small..

The truth about life is that we all have it differently, but somehow almost all of us experience the same life lessons.

I for one have a tendency to keep falling down the same rabbit hole of “what if?”

What if it’s different this time? What if I stay? What if I try harder?

The problem with this rabbit hole is there is no certain outcome which leaves you saying “At least I don’t regret anything”, cause you see assuming I stayed and things worked out then all is well, but assuming things didn’t, then the regret of walking away and avoiding the pain will always be present..

They say you live and you learn, and what kills you makes you stronger, but how much of that is true? Will I learn to love less if it’s in my being and in my nature to love so deeply and passionately, will my heart be stronger if every time I decided to let someone inside they end up leaving a bigger hole than the one before?

I haven’t learned, and I sure as hell aren’t stronger, so when does it happen? When will I be able to love and let go in a way that doesn’t leave my heart aching, or my chest tightening or feeling like a void is sucking everything good in sight?

Do I even want want to learn? A person like me feeds off of love, the joy of loving someone and feeling that love, so where do people like me go? what life lessons apply here? what if becoming stronger means that empathetic and passionate part of me dies out, will I be able to enjoy the things I enjoy the same way, will I be able to experience the same moments that made me happy the same way?

So tell me, where do people like me go? is feeling alive more important than living? or are we all just focused on surviving that the best parts in life, the things that leave us hurt or ecstatic are only lessons to this harsh world?

I no longer want to be, I no longer want feel.

I no longer want to breathe, no longer want to wake up.

I want to leave, leave this body and soul behind, I want to be reincarnated into something beautiful something that doesn’t feel.

I no longer want to be me, I want to be free of me.

Sometimes one feels the need to help you through everyday tasks, maybe take you places, or do whatever you ask, it could be a sense of obligation, don’t mistake it for true love.

True love is not being able to stand being upset from one another, is not letting your partner sleep knowing you’ve hurt them. It’s apologizing when you’re wrong without feeling like it could affect your pride.

True love isn’t caring about who is wrong or right, it’s caring about how you guys are going to fix it. It’s admitting to your mistakes and taking responsibilities for your actions.

It’s doing the little things that makes your partner happy, understanding what upsets them rather than getting defensive.

My body is not that of what men desire, I don’t have flawless glowing skin.

My body has fat all over it, my ass isn’t perfectly rounded, it’s fatty and jiggly, my stomach isn’t flat, my thighs are not muscular they’re not skinny, I have so much cellulite.

My breasts are small, but my nipples are big they’re not pink, they’re not enough.

My vagina isn’t pink and smooth it’s dark and wrinkly. I’m disgusting. I have hair. And no matter how many times I shave, it always. Always. Always grows out.

My hair isn’t straight nor is it curly enough, it’s not thick and it’s not pretty. I style it the way he likes but there will always be someone who he likes their hair more.

My eyebrows are barely there, my lashes are short. I have small lips and a big nose. I have scars on my face. I’m not beautiful, I’m not even close enough.