No Tits All Hips.

Wassup fellow home fries? 

Guess who’s back? Back again? 

‘Tis I. 

SO! I figured this post would be about the ‘first job opportunity in the city’ because guess what?? Momma booked her first job! Whoop whoop! 

It’s been an interesting few months in terms of auditions... I’ve found that the less I cared (aka just being more relaxed and having fun) the more success I found. I’m not saying in any way, shape, or form did I prepare less, just breathed a little more, and worried a little less. 

It’s been kind of bizarre having a summer without being in a show quite honestly. Every summer I’ve always been in some sort of show or something or rather so it’s been a kind of bizarre time because I became so used to performing, and now I’m in a place where you have to go out literally every day in hopes of getting a performing job for the future. It hasn’t necessarily been a rude awakening, just something different, which makes why booking Assassins even more exciting because I don’t necessarily know when I’ll perform next, or even get to do this show again! Friends and family have been so kind and supportive about this opportunity, and I’m honestly thrilled, and got really emotional when I got the message I booked Squeaky... because someone wanted me and I was passionate about the project! And it’s honestly on my bucket list to do all of Sondheim’s shows... 

I’ve been very picky about the things I’ve said yes to recently. I got offered quite a few summer stock jobs or little gigs here and there but wasn’t 100% satisfied with either the company, the pay rate or the overall feel of the place, and I know I shouldn’t be in a place to say no right now since my resume is fresh off of college, but at the same time, why shouldn’t I be picky? It’s just like Senior Showcase. I felt so great about my final performance (especially!) at Showcase and got positive feedback from agents (but I really got the opportunity to audition for shows and had only a few agent meetings) but after having met with individuals who said they wanted to represent me, I felt that I am better at representing myself right now then what they claimed they could do for me... and guess what? THAT IS OKAY PEOPLE! I think performers from BFA programs are always told to say ‘yes’ and take anything anyone gives us (and I used to believe that myself, too) but at the same time, you know yourself better than anyone else, and you have to trust your gut. 100%. Which has been what my whole summer has been leading up till now! I knew I wanted to stay in the city and get in front of casting directors who needed to see me, and that’s precisely what I’ve done, and I just happen to have a show going up in September that hopefully will get more people to see me and see what I offer to this biz. (All of that seemed like a wildly inappropriate run-on sentence, but I’m so jazzed on froyo, I can’t think straight). 

Can you tell this whole thing [the business] is just a crapshoot? Holy guacamole. 

This’ll be a shorter post (because I’ve gotta get back to the pool, ayoooo!) but the bottom line is this: 

When it comes to your first performance job in NYC, be proud of it. Do your research. Don’t settle. Find something that will look STUPENDOUS on your resume. Start with a bang. Work with a company who is doing interesting, inspiring work (hayyyyyyyy Utopia Operrraaaaaa on the cover of Opera News!) Make the agents and casting directors take notice of you. Work with people who are as passionate as you are. Do interesting work. Do work that scares you and makes you bite your nails at the thought of what you have to overcome (*ahem* not having done a musical in a year *ahem*). Make it be an experience you know you’re right for, are excited about, makes you research hours upon hours about your character or the time period or whatnot, and JUST HAVE FUN WITH THE PROCESS BECAUSE GENUINELY WHO KNOWS IF THIS WILL BE YOUR FIRST OR LAST PERFORMANCE OPPORTUNITY FOR A VERY LONG TIME. And also: Do something that you can look back a few years from now when Playbill.com or Broadway.com interviews you and asks what your first performance job in NYC was and you smile like a baffoon because you remember how magical it was and all of the memories created with a hilarious and talented cast of characters. 

‘Das it y’all. 

Peace, blessings, and palm trees. 

Howdy ho boys and girls!

I have returned after some much needed R&R. I was working far too much, auditioning far too little, and was just becoming cranky and jaded (which I am NOT about to be in the greatest city in the world!!) thus me taking a brief break from das blog. 

BUT I’M BACK AND READY FOR ACTION. 

With this post I wanted to share something that has been on my mind a lot lately: What you can control as a performer vs. what you cannot control AKA the “Enemy” (and yes, the title of this post is inspired by American Idiot... I’ve been on a Green Day kick as of late). 

-What you can control: being prepared, offering something interesting to a character, your body weight, what you put in your body, how you perceive a situation, classes you take, how much money is in your bank account (which sucks, but is true) etc. 

-What you cannot control: the director and creative team’s vision of a character, how tall you are, what genetics have graced you with, how many roles are available... THE LIST GOES ON. AND ON. AND ON. 

Sometimes we need to be reminded of such things ^^

It was so interesting going back home for a few days and realizing just how lucky I am. I ran into some friends and classmates from high school and they had this bizarre adoration for the fact that I’m in the city pursuing my dream... and they FREAKED out when I gave them a brief synopsis of my experiences thus far, and it was them that I realized that I am way better off than so many other people I know; I get to do what I love every day. Am I in a show performing right this second? No, but I get to play characters for a millisecond when I send in audition videos, or audition, or take dance class or have a voice lesson, which is just as important. *Side note: Why the hell is it that after following higher education, people suddenly decide they don’t need to work anymore? I’m utterly flabbergasted by that. Some of my classmates or colleagues over the years haven’t had a voice lesson, dared to take any classes, haven’t auditioned for anything, or DO NOT HAVE A REAL PERSON JOB. Part of me has been very bitter and hurt by those who I know who have been fortunate enough to not have to work or who can go on trips all the time or have their parents pay for everything, but then I realized that I will love this and appreciate each and every opportunity I’m given because I actually earned it. That’s not to discount their experiences, but at the same time, I don’t see you beating the pavement every day... so what kind of work ethic do you actually have, or will you have after your parents stop supporting you? #noteanoshadenopinklemonade 

Now rewind back to when I was talking about loving these experiences blah blah blah... OH YES! I’m not one to take breaks. Ever. Ask anyone who knows me... I never stop. I’m a hamster on a goddamn wheel that they call ‘life.’But sometimes, it’s needed. Sometimes you have to take a step back from your reality and say ‘shit, I’m really burned out, maybe this is a sign I should catch up on my sleep instead of trolling the internet for jobs or auditions or Vine videos or Netflix.’ LISTEN TO YOUR BODY PEOPLE. It’s our goddamn temple for a reason, and if you can’t respect what it’s asking of you, then you should change that. I definitely sound like a hypocrite with all of this because I myself am STILL trying to figure out what my body is asking of me after having lost all this weight recently and genuinely not knowing how to FUNCTION. It’s a process, and I know I have to keep working at it, and I am! DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO IGNORE YOUR GUT LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. 

MEOWMEOWMEOW IT’S 2AM AND I’M STILL AWAKE MEOWMEOWMEOW. 

Oooh something else that has come to my attention lately is the whole idea of ‘coming to New York and leaving after 3-6 months’. Now TRUE, this city is not for everyone, and I completely respect that, but what I genuinely question is if you actually tried. Did you? I’m genuinely asking. Or were you scared? It’s okay to be scared. I know I’d be lying if there wasn't a big part of me that’s terrified as to what will happen when my savings runs out within the next year (but I am putting that shit aside and I’m ignoring that fact by eating some cheap ass Chinese food and having “Broad City” play in the background as I type up this here blog post) but at the same time, after how much time does it really take to try New York? Call me crazy, but I think it takes at least three years to solidify a relationship with casting directors/agents/this city/this flow and I’m sorry, but I just have to shake my head at some *I said some, not all, because I have some very lovely friends who decided this place wasn’t for them pretty early on* individuals who have been on their high horse for ages thinking they can just walk into NYC and be the cream of the fucking crop.... Wrong. And where do they go? Back home. Now listen, I’m sure this particular section makes me sound like a frigid wench (yes I prefer the term wench over bitch because it makes them sound more Elizabethan which is dope) but as I have stated before, AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME TO FILTER THE THOUGHT PROCESS. ‘SPECIALLY WHEN IT’S 2AM AND YOU’RE KINDA CRACKED OUT ON MSG FROM YOUR GENERAL TSO’S CHICKEN AYYYYOOOOOOO. At least try. For a year. And then I’ll throw you a little less shade. 

Diverging again into something else (this is just my train-wreck of a thought process peeps, deal with it, and if you don’t, it’s all good <3): Keeping a positivity journal. Does it sound hippie-dippy and cheesy? Yeah. Is it a lovely way to end each day and make you appreciate what good surrounds you on a daily basis? Yeah. Does it give you the chance to find something pretty special about yourself, like your thoughts and see your really nice handwriting on a crisp, new journal? Indeed. And it’s made me have better days honestly. There were a few weeks when I was down. in. the. dumps. I won’t lie. It’s kinda heartbreaking seeing your friends book these amazing jobs and you feel ugly, fat, worthless, too tall, not talented enough, and the fact that we are such a technologically empowered country, it’s pretty much impossible to escape seeing everyone’s opportunities, what with Facebook, Instagram and the like. BUT with a positivity journal, it really allows you the opportunity to brag about yourself in a healthy, positive way, and guess what? A COMPLETELY PERSONAL WAY THAT NO ONE WILL SEE, IT’S JUST FOR YOU. That’s something I really love about journaling. I’ve always been one to open up with people, and I’m not afraid to share a majority of my background or story with them, because I really enjoy connecting with others, but there’s just some stuff ya gotta keep to yoself (like when you buy yourself a pair of KEY-YOOT undies with pink lace and bows all over them ‘cause it makes ya booty look GEWD. oops.... ;) So here are a few things I have been extremely thankful for that have given me a little spring to my step lately: 

1. Seeing ABT perform - and crying over the beauty that is The Met and seeing all of those gorgeous dancers in their element.

2. Finding out I’m staying in my sweet little apartment for another year so I can officially decorate my room because it is MINE.

3. Re-reading the Harry Potter series and it is just as magical as when I was growing up.

4. Having two of my closest friends living within streets of me starting in August. 

5. I have a crush on this guy who currently is at summer stock in Ohio and will be moving here in September and there’s a possibility of something and if he’s reading this I hope he knows I think he is super divine and has a great smile and I accept your cuddling offer. 

So yeah. I’m currently smiling like a dweeb in my perfectly air-conditioned-now orange (due to decorating) bedroom where I haven’t an ounce of makeup on (or clothing for that matter, to be expected of me) and I am drinking tea, wearing my glasses and I feel beautiful and at peace. 

For now ;) 

I guess that’s it. My wrist is starting to cramp up from my carpel tunnel... Cool. 

Anywho, call me beep me if you wanna reach me. 

Another day, another audition. 

Another day, another callback. 

Another day, another long ass shift at work.

Rinse. Repeat. 

Why the hell am I writing this blog? Because I think character persons in this industry are often not accounted for, nor are their experiences and feelings shared, so I wanted to share mine.

Beware of brutal honesty, sarcasm, far too many ellipses, emotions, and swear words straight ahead... But hopefully some insight and opportunities for dialogue to be created as well! 

It’s been a little over 5 months since I’ve moved to the city and I’m exhausted. HAPPY, but utterly exhausted. I’ve been hitting the pavement practically every day, and submitting myself for countless auditions through Backstage, Playbill, Actors Access, etc. I work a part-time job that I absolutely adore, and now have gotten three other jobs in addition to my other job in order to pay bills because I am genuinely in love with my Astoria apartment, and don’t want to have to deal with moving elsewhere (the struggle to move is REAL Y’ALL). 

I’ve had everything from getting down to final callbacks for a lead in a national tour, to getting called in as the only non-equity performer for a show headed to Broadway... so why recently do I feel less-than? I’m in the city I love, getting in front of people who matter in this business who I grew up worshipping and are telling me I’m fabulous (which I never thought would happen, least of all, New York!)...  

I’ll tell you why: Because there’s this ginormous expectation to book something immediately following college. We’re constantly measuring our successes to jobs we book, and our peers and teachers and colleagues almost expect that. 

My favorite question: “What’re you up to nowadays? Have you booked anything?”

“Uh....Not yet. But I’m auditioning. And getting callbacks.” 

But no one will ever see that you were in final callbacks for a role, or that you auditioned for a Broadway show and did really well, or that casting people are telling you should be in your dream shows on Broadway RIGHT NOW. That stuff doesn’t go on your resume. What goes on your resume are productions, people you’ve worked with, and ridiculous special skills no one will probably pay attention to even though you desperately tried to be charming and clever in order to catch their attention. 

Something else that doesn’t go on your resume are your struggles: 

Your financial situation. 

How many hours of sleep you didn’t get preparing for a possible opportunity. 

How long you waited in line and didn’t get seen.

The awkward moment where they type you based on your headshot and you’re asked to go home even though your commute is an hour and a half and you hadn’t even been there for five minutes. 

None of that is on there. 

And BOY do people forget how difficult it is to be a woman in this business. Men are given (notice I didn’t say handed, because I’m a feminist, dammit) opportunities far more easier than women, and it’s even harder to book jobs as CHARACTER WOMEN, despite if you’re the best person in the room. I’m too fat and young to be a leading lady, but too thin and tall to be a character woman. I didn’t choose to look this way. How is that my fault?! The answer is this: it’s not. It’s not my fault I look like this. And I’ve changed my lifestyle to a much healthier one, and am taking caring of myself in every way I can... AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE COMPARING ME TO MUCH LARGER AND OLDER ACTRESSES WHEN I AM A SIZE 8/10 AND 22 GODDAMN YEARS OLD (steps off pedestal that was ten feet high). Can I play 60′s and up? Yup. Is that who I am? Call me in forty years and it will be... Just because I was probably the only person in college who could accurately portray those people does not mean that those older characters define me. 

I find it utterly carking that certain people can just show up, never have to endure a 5am cattle call, never have to take classes in order to get seen (or improve their abilities), and quite frankly, never have to WORK and suddenly they’re booking gigs while some of us are standing in the cold with blood in our boots... all because of who represents them, or what they look like. Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, “that’s just what ugly, untalented people say,” and yeah, it is. Call me ugly, fat, untalented, whatever the hell. I don’t necessarily disagree with you, but at the end of the day, I can guarantee you that I am the hardest working person there, who loves this more than air, (which is why I’ve put up with countless bullshit in high school and college) and I don’t plan on giving up any time soon. Blah blah blah YES, it is the business, and no, I will never be considered beautiful in the performance industry, but guess what? Neither was Meryl Streep until they saw her act. So I’ll take that ANY and EVERY day. 

And this whole “deserve” and “blessed” BS is driving me cuckoo bananas. You don’t DESERVE a performing opportunity, and nor are you BLESSED to perform. Hearing people say they are blessed to do a show, or someone deserves a role just seems phony... #mytwocents 

But, amongst all of this negative energy I just threw out in the social media stratosphere, (which is a helluva way to get started on this here blog! Haha!) I also pledge to write three things that have been positive in my life as a character woman, because it’s so easy for us as performers to lock in on the bad, and not realize just how great we have it... we’re getting paid to play pretend after all; and honestly, us character folks, when given the chance, have the opportunity to create some magic on some pretty outstanding characters. 

1. I recently did a showcase with an outside company and we get to have our comment sheets from the agents after we’re done, and across the board, everyone said they read my type as “Sassy, bold, brassy best friend/girl-next-door and my age range was mid-late twenties.” I CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO SEE THAT SOMEONE SAW ME AS SOMEONE IN MY TWENTIES. Sometimes when you play people far older than you for so long, you forget what your actual age is... #cuetheTSwiftsong

And BOY did it feel good to have people praising my singing voice and not just my acting... I still hate singing in front of people because of insecurities from college, so I’m constantly trying to get over that hump, so this was a huge success for me and my conscience. SO HOORAY FOR FIRST POSITIVE CHARACTER WOMAN BULLET POINT! 

2. I’m going in for roles I genuinely LOVE, and they are smart, funny, brassy, bold women who aren’t just scrap roles... ex: Rosie in Mamma Mia, Dyanne in Million Dollar Quartet, Miss Hannigan in Annie, etc. 

3. Being a character person, there’s this odd assumption that you’re not a well- versed dancer, because there’s this stigma that character people are only good at one discipline, so when you do well in a mover/dancer call, people notice in the best kinda way. AYOOOOOOOO. #dancerfirstribbontwirlersecond.

I leave you with a quote seeing as this is the end of my first blog post: 

“What’s great about being a character actor is you know that you can survive forever. It’s not about the gloss of your eyebrows” - Martin Short

I suppose this is the beginning. Follow or not, I’ll still be here typing away. 

Over and Out,