Just Me

Polarlicht over my town last night

It’s growing increasing strange here. I am watching the news and almost everyday having a new conversation with my ex about a new “what if” situation. What if I can’t get dual citizenship for means the kids? What if the US invades Greenland? What if ICE comes (even stronger) to Detroit? What if I never ever can go home again?

I don’t know how to process most of it from here. The friends I have are horrified and asking me if I’m ok, the AFD is still strong and scares me. There is a new Queer meet up in my little town and I am excited to go next month. I feel comfortable here, but the uneasiness is still there underneath.

Personally, this really messes with my mental health. I am switching brain meds right now, and it’s made me super emotional. Add in the new hormones (cause I’m officially in Perimenopause, yeah?) and I’m up and down like a yo-yo some days.

I miss my friends and family. I’m awake here at 1am for them and most of them aren’t free to talk or video until midnight my time. Weekends are a bit easier, but we are all busy with kids and hobbies and life, so it’s easy to go months without a call.

My sister is still a question mark. I’ve written, called, and tried so hard to figure out what I did wrong and how to try and fix it, but I have no idea where the fracture is in our relationship and how to mend it because she won’t tell me. I’ve apologized for something I don’t know happened but I don’t know how to move forward.

Next year the kiddos will all be indifferent schools, which is weird for the US but totally normal for Germany. Their schools will all be more tailored to them personally. R is in a school in town where they have a broad program with the ability for him to form local friendships and integrate more into the culture. He was struggling with it feeling like “home” here and it has helped him so much to be independent in town and make local friends that he can hang out with at the Youth Center. B is attending a school where there are more physical activity clubs and he can join a team for either soccer or basketball which he is dying to do. They also have extra gym classes in their schedule, and he needs the movement to be able to settle down and learn. M is going to be going to a school with her best friend, and honestly her only friend. She needs a fresh start with some solid ground and starting with a friend is a long ways towards that. She would also still be able to make it to Karate class which the is absolutely thriving in.

I am struggling with the college system here. I am desperate to start classes in the fall but really having a hard time figuring out how to actually enroll? The social anxiety kicks in and I want to do it al by email but I can’t. So I think I’m going to have to schedule a meeting with the counselor and bring my wife for translation assistance.

German language notes! I passed my B1 test which is all I need legally for a forever visa and I passed my German government exam so as long as the US doesn’t do anything stupid, the kids and I are on track to get our dual citizenship in two years.

The summer of 1994, I was a 14yo Michigan girl who desperately wanted to go to Interlochen for summer camp. My self esteem was in the toilet. I was “fat” at 160lbs 5’9” and too curvy for teen styles. Nothing looked right on my body to me as I looked at the heroin chic models in the magazines. My hair was too curly compared to their stick straight long middle parts.

My parents and I talked about what would be best and I decided to take a summer Government course so I didn’t have to in the school year and get it out of the way so I could take an extra science course since I wanted to be pre-med.

All week I keep thinking. 14yo. Interlochen.

I know people that went that summer. I know people who went every summer and I know people that went there year round.

Band Geeks, theater nerds, and music folk. At my high school, even the band had a hierarchy, and even the coolest band kids were lower than the lowest athlete or cheerleader. I so desperately grabbed for anything that made me feel like I belonged.

1. I miss little things. Running into family and friends at the grocery store or while at a restaurant. Spontaneous phone conversations (when you don’t have to worry about a 6 hour time difference). Bulk quantities of string cheese. Neon orange Mac and cheese and Annie’s White cheddar. Being able to find the ingredients for family recipes (creamed corn, any “cream of” soup, celery in winter).

2. I miss big things. Birthdays with Nieces and Nephew, coffee with my Mom, watching football on Saturday with my Dad, people around me that have known me for 40+ years, friends and family that know the stories and the inside jokes.

3. I love being able to let my kids walk to their Halloween parties and not be worried at all. I love watching them go on screen free week long class trips to the woods. I love my Wife knowing things about me because she notices them (not just because she knows the story of why I do that the way I do) and just going with my weirdness just because she loves me and she cares enough to just let me be weird. I love learning new things and meeting new people

4. I love driving up the mountain through the fog to get to my home on the top that sits next to the woods and holds that family I love.

1)Gendering nouns is weird when you are coming from English. What do you mean all Machines are female, all cabinets are neutral and coffee is male? The endings done even help like in French or Spanish. Why are there 15 ways to say “the”???

2) windows are an engineering marvel that tilt and open and have rolling blinds that block out the sun or weather. Stunning 10/10.

3) my kids are both always in school and yet somehow never in school? Holidays like all the time and school only technically goes until 1:30, but yet they go until the 11th of July.

4) the European vacation month of August is serious business. All the kids are out, even the parents have most of the month off, and most jobs provide “vacation fund” bonuses for travel.

Angst. I am so so worried about the kids traveling back to the US this month.

We are not going and I have to find a way to tell one of my closest friends that I cannot make their wedding in the fall either.

We went on a little vacation over Easter break to the the Baltic. It was cold but oh so pretty. We went in an undersea Gondola, and it looked sketchy from the outside but was kinda neat when it went underwater and we could see little jellyfish and flounder.

Language school is rough this week. Every night so far, homework until 10:30. My brain feels fuzzy!!!!

Just some German egg prices. 👍🏻

I feel so guilty for leaving right now. I see the struggle and want to help all my friends, but I needed to get my kids OUT.

My wife and I decided not to come back and visit this summer. We can’t risk her getting held at Immigration just cause she isn’t American.

We HAVE to send the kids to visit their Dad. It’s legally required. He has been absolutely amazing through every single change so far. I cant fight him on this. I know how much he misses them and how hard this is. But I’m terrified. They are brown and multilingual now (it’s stunning how fast they are picking up German) and they have a level of comfort from here that will not translate well to the US. I can only just hope that it’s only 6 weeks and it will be ok.

I Know it’s not perfect here. Germany is divided along the old country lines and AFD is around everywhere, but the voices against are loud and people are not afraid to speak out. And honestly in our little town, where you think, oh, little town, little minds, but it’s the opposite. We are welcome. There is no place here I feel unwelcome. And my Language class is even super open and welcoming.

Things seem to moving forward for everyone here! I’m so happy to see the lives we have built . Families, babies, moving, we have all done so much since our early fostering days.

Life updates!

1. I got divorced and remarried! My 20 yo marriage ended with a fizzle in September. Luckily we found a great lawyer who only works with couples who are in agreement and she pushed everything through. He is still my #1 supporter and I couldn’t ask for a better bestie. We still talk everyday and honestly, our friendship has never been better.

My wife (!) and I married shortly later in a simple town hall ceremony in Germany. We will celebrate again this December on NYE and it has been so nice to finally have the legal paperwork behind us all.

2. I officially moved to Germany. The kids and my ex visited over Christmas. The kids are joining me here in July. They will stay for at least a few years with trips back and forth. My ex and my new in-laws are so adorably cute and friendly. We are a strange family composition, but honestly it’s never been better.

3. We took an excessive amount of honeymoons…. We both surprised each other for Christmas with a trip so off to Hamburg and spa days we went, then a few weeks later we had a great 5 days in Iceland. My friend from the US was in Paris for a short trip so we did our last short weekend in Paris. All three were like dreams. We happily indulged in extra we wouldn’t normally and I’m completely spoiled now.

4. I’m involved in a little film production that filmed a bit this last weekend. It’s a Harry Potter world (Marauder’s Era) fan movie. It’s absolutely nerdy but in the sweetest way. We are an almost entirely queer cast and have worked really hard to try and be as inclusive as possible. I’m so ridiculously proud of the cast. Most of them are in their early 20’s (I play a Mom, no surprises there) and seeing them find themselves and surrounding themselves with people that support them and bring them joy makes my heart have hope.