At least 85%

So I missed a few days. I drank a lot of alcohol and espresso and I even sampled a tarte au citron during the best 3 days of my life in Marseille. I have zero regrets and we are back on track today on our day 9. Had the factor 50 on my face everyone of those days and so far no major flare.

One of my favourite dance tunes is Head & Heart (ft MNEK) Joel Corry. It goes ‘my head tell me to stop (tells me to stop) but my heart goes BUM BUMP BUMP BAA BUMP.’ Profound

This is me. Day 4 the headaches are intermittent and have become part of me. My head and my heart. My head is sore, but my heart is like MAN WE GOT THIS. NO PAIN NO GAIN.

I will now make the effort to condense this to 100 words a pop. We are 17 words down. Ok so day 3 was another good start and then by lunchtime the headache of day 2 appeared. What is going on. It was on and off for the day and during my Sams shift 6-9pm.

Today had a solid first half. Woke up refreshed, felt like I had a good sleep. Up and at ‘em.

The morning was not awful. It was warm and slow in the procedure rooms and a headache had started to form. By lunchtime I was desperate to get out and eat. I usually intermittently fast during the day, which is code for no breakfast. After lunch and two paracetamol a dull headache continued and started to show promising signs of a migraine. I get migraines every few months - it’s not a total indicator that my body is yelling WTF Meg where is my sugar and caffeine? Could have been though. 

I was supposed to run. I was supposed to do a great many things after work. Instead I climbed into the back of my car and lay for an hour. Things had only marginally improved when I sat up and dizzily moved into the front seat for the 35 minute drive home. 

From then I crawled into bed for 3 hours. Got up. Ate. Showered. Blog update. Bed. I always miss my mum when I don’t feel well. It’s strange how that doesn’t go away - even 6 years on.

I have a red face. Rosacea is the diagnosis which most fits with the symptoms. Across my cheeks and nose I get the most terrible flare ups that add 20 years on and make me look perimenopausal. 

So I’ve decided to take the radical step of cutting out all known triggers and in the process, for 90 days only, cut out all the addictive substances in my life. There is something fairly poetic about going without refined sugar, alcohol, hot drinks and spicy food for 90 days.

‘I am a rock. I am an island.’ Paul Simon once sang. For 90 days (and 90 days only) I will probably be alone because a. I will be dependant on no food substance b. I will have isolated all people because of my crankiness.

Don’t talk of love. Chocolate or champagne. I HAVE MY BOOKS. My k-dramas have zero calories and fresh air is still free.

At least 85 percent. Giving at least 85 percent. 85 percent body fat. 85 percent sure 85 percent of this will be rambling tripe.

I love the idea of being healthy but I struggle to achieve it and I actually have no idea what being healthy is. If I don't exercise my back hurts. If I do exercise my back hurts. If I eat chocolate cake sometimes I lose weight but usually when I don't eat anything I don't. I think that there can't be anything more infuriating than staying the same when you have weight to lose. I would honestly rather gain weight than stay the same. So here's to not staying the same. As my Pappy said 'If you sit on the fence you get a sore bum'. Let's go somewhere Meg. Stop trying to make sure you are heading in the right direction and just pick A direction.

As you can probably tell - I am in a plateau. A life plateau. I started couch to 5k last summer and completed it. I ate slightly healthier but in all honestly I really just addressed my emotional eating habits. I haven't fixed them but I started to look at them. Being honest - I used to binge eat. If I was sad or stressed I ate EVERYTHING. So I started to address it and look at other ways to deal with stress and my emotions. I ran. I ran from my issues, my family, my work. I just ran and ran. I ran at 7 in the morning and 11 at night. I ran in Dallas. I ran in searing heat, in humidity, in below freezing and in torrential rain. I kept running and I didn't stop and I lost two stone. Then I got greedy and thought I can lose another stone.

I wasn't happy with my two stone weight loss. I became less comfortable in my skin and started to feel the cold. I was changing. I was afraid. That's ok.

So I was back at the gym today and already my legs are seizing up. I was pushing and pulling and getting some strength back in my body. I want to be strong physically but more importantly I want to be strong mentally.

None of us are immune to the crap that gets posted on Instagram everyday, the impossible standards we set ourselves, the pills we take. The most dangerous thing is the terrible thoughts we have about ourselves. This is what I am addressing. I am looking in the mirror and I am telling myself 'Meg I'm proud of you, you can do it - you are beautiful'.

So I was in boots today - buying crap like cotton wool and mineral cleansing water and I was getting really pissed that I couldn’t find the cotton wool and the store was really busy. In my rage and exhaustion, I almost walked into this woman in a wheelchair as I veered to the left. This woman had a baby strapped to her chest and she was only about 30. It shook me a bit. As I sat on the bus home, the average age of my compatriots was about 80. These people shuffled on and off the bus, heads and necks bent, stiff and old.

As I think about my body I think - fat, spotty, tummy, dry skin, tight hips, tense back. The reality is that my body can squat and jump and climb and run and roll and lift and push and pull. My body and my muscles can work together to act and create and just MOVE. In whatever poor or laboured way at the beginning - building up, strength upon strength. Many peoples bodies can not do that, through illness, age, injury, circumstance. 

My body was created to MOVE. I have come away from today knowing that my body is capable of so much more than I think it is. I’m not just talking about losing weight or fitness, you don’t have to exercise to lose weight. I’m talking about using this body I have, for as long as it is able - to push the limits and to do something I never thought I could. I start this by just beginning to MOVE.

When I was in first year, for some horrendous reason, an evil breed of people that exist only in your WORST nightmares (also known as gym teachers) made us spend 4 weeks doing 'dance'. How it made it into PE will forever bemuse me. Sure, in P7, gym consisted of our teacher - who hated our guts - making us play traffic lights for half an hour every week. Sometimes if we got a bit crazy in our finger painting sessions this privilege was denied. (Yes P7) But hey - at least we were running around.

Anyway - I hope PE has got better. Those dance sessions were horrendous - and what's worse is they filmed them and made us watch them. To a chubby insecure wee 13 year old who can't tell her right leg from her left leg and had no musical ability - you might as well have just killed me. But I got through it. And if I could get through my hellish school years I can get through anything. Right?

Right. I've just came out of a zombie/cynical/slightly-bitchy/hecka-mean stage - doing 6 or 7 shifts in 8 days does that to you! From days to nights to days. Woke up yesterday on annual leave - stumbled into training at 11, feeling (and probably looking) like a hundred years old. As I tried to distract my trainer and move through the motions I was like 'This can't go on! I feel so shit!'. I fell out of the gym and ended up outside Greggs - staring through the window at the sausage rolls and doughnuts. (Sidenote  - I love doughnuts with all my heart.) So there I was, thinking 'Meg you've been through hell and you actually SHOWED up at the gym today - you deserve this!' But then a wee voice in my mind (who I rarely listen to, to be fair) pipes up with 'Meg - you can do better'. NOT end world hunger meg! Save the pandas meg! Be more positive Meg! Just...you can do better.

So, no I didn't rush home and whip up a chicken caesar salad from scratch and then juice some oranges and start reading the New York times - or, God forbid, some fitness magazine. I just dragged my ass along to the co-op and bought a hot smoked salmon salad. It was delicious. Inspired by my fit of saintliness earlier that day I didn't get the take out I was going to treat myself to that night and the next day(today), inspired by yesterday, I actually spent all of four minutes chucking some eggs, salmon, pepper, tomato, salt, something else into a pan and making an omelette. It looked terrible but it tasted alright.

An you know what? I felt strong that day when I walked into the gym at 11. I felt confident. I actually had energy. I actually made jokes. I actually enjoyed it. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? #FITNESS. Credit to Ross at Ross Stewart Fitness for his amazing e book and recipe book with really simple and quick recipes that taste fantastic.

Ok, so here's my main point. If you are reading this thinking - I want to feelstronger and change my diet too but I don't have the time/energy/it's too hard...pick ONE thing you're going to work on. Maybe it's to make better breakfasts - or even start eating breakfast! Maybe it's to vary your lunches or you need new ideas for dinner. What about cutting out or cutting down fizzy juice or alcohol? Pick one thing - mail me if you want some simple recipes for meals and just go for it! If you fail one day - pick yourself back up and try again tomorrow. 'Failure is not the falling down but the staying down' Somebody said that. I owe it to that chubby 13 year old girl to get up and keep running - making it to that next bleep. 

And a final note on when I was going through my psycho-lots-of-work stage - I had a really bad day shift on Tuesday, really stressed and down, bursting into tears - not able to shift how I felt. Instead of leaving me alone and avoiding me - my colleagues looked out for me, laughed at me, excused me and generally just got me through the day. I swear, nurses are some of the greatest people -and I work with the best of them.

And I work with the best trainers too! I am extremely blessed with the people in my life. So come on - you have great people in your life too - lean on them! And do better today! We'll do it together. You can do it if you put your mind to it! Honestly - if you want to lose weight eating less will make you feel shit and tired all the time. Eating more of the right stuff will give you energy and life! (honest!)

I toyed with a few titles for this blog post. Over-eating, stress-eating, bad-eating, shit diet, i-blame-ibs, greed, its-not-my-fault-honest were all contenders. The truth is that I and I alone are responsible for my diet, and any of those titles would be excuses.

I now train three times a week, twice with a trainer and once with my best friend Miriam. I enjoy training - I am seeing genuine progress as I get stronger and fitter. I feel more confident and I would be pretty damn unstoppable if not for my diet.

I love to eat shit. That's the honest truth. I love to eat good food too but I'm too lazy to make it. I read an article recently on IBS(Irritable Bowel Syndrome) when I saw a girl in the middle of a flare up and she bloated up like she was pregnant. I thought - that's me. I'm constantly in a flare up because I don't avoid the foods that cause it. Last night I had diet coke on shift and then had bad diarrhoea and cramps for the rest of the shift.

Why would you do that? The truth is that I've never stuck with avoiding foods long enough to know what it feels like NOT to feel like shit. Maybe I'm nightshift, maybe it's the weekend, maybe I'm on holiday, maybe it's a wedding. There's always an excuse to fall back into old habits and then its ten times harder to get back up. 

The list of foods I should avoid is so lengthy and so staple in my diet that it overwhelms me. But the truth is that I owe it to my body not to constantly put it through hell. If I believe that I am 'fearfully and wonderfully made' by a God who loves me - I should probably start treating His creation with a bit more respect and stop with the lazy excuses. 

Maybe I'll go gluten free, maybe I'll cut stuff out one by one, Maybe I'll get a consistent plan for preparing meals, maybe I'll avoid the shops. As we move into Lent - I look forward to embracing the sacrifice. One thing is for sure it's not a diet - it's the rest of my life.

I'll finish with this video which has really inspired me in the last few weeks 'Behind your feelings - there might be nothing at all. But behind every principle (truth) is a promise'

I have a personal trainer. Like most things in my life, this decision was impulsive and sort of 'on a whim.' But now I'm in a position to explain it. And subconsciously encourage everyone reading this to change. Well, not subconsciously anymore...

When I thought of personal trainers I thought of celebrities losing their baby weight super fast, Mickey from Rocky, Mr T, that gladiator show... basically just really fit people(go figure) All I knew about me was I liked lifting weights at bootcamp and gyms scared me. Genuinely. From the super fit front desk people, to the lockers (where on earth are you supposed to put your key?) to the frightening torture equipment. Don't get me started on the superhuman muscles. I knew if I showed up at a gym I would hide in a corner and hope no one was watching. So I fired off an email, with zero idea what a personal trainer actually did. 

Ok, here's why. If you're anything like me you've got a whole lot of 'nice' people in your life. (If your people are shit - get new people). Anyway - by nice I mean they notice if your hair is different and say 'oh my gawsh did you get a hair cut?' They congratulate you when you pass your driving test. You meet up and drink with them. They're your granny who gives you twenty quid in a birthday card, your friend who tells you every dress looks 'awesome' and your siblings who punch you but will still make you a cup of tea after a stressful day. Nice people are great. They make the world go round. I'd be nowhere without my nice people. Know what nice people aren't great for though? Harsh honesty. Acutally hand-on-the-bible-pinky-swear-lie-and-you-die honesty. 'I will not bullshit you' kind of honesty.  That's where your trainer comes in. 

'You don't need a trainer you look great!' 'You don't need to lose weight' 'You're going through a stressful time' All great things to say. All helpful. All untrue or excuses. Trust me you can excuse yourself to the world but you can't excuse yourself to your trainer. You will run out of excuses pretty fast and it will turn to moaning. 

My trainer takes zero bullshit. And I know what you're thinking - some sort of sadistic masochist with huge guns and a terrifying yell that constantly repeats 'drop and give me ten(whatever that means?) No. Really no. The guy I train with is one of the most patient and honest people I know. You get to see your life objectively - which I have never been able to manage. You learn all these insane horrible truths about yourself and your character which you never saw before and nobody had the balls to tell you. Like I'm stubborn? And judging? And negative? Well I knew the last one. But this person is not invested in your life, he or she is just invested in you training and bettering yourself. How cool is that? Somebody who is wiling to listen to crap other people wont and tell you the harsh truths and tell you how to get fit and be on your case about it.

Second myth - you don't have to talk about training in the gym and just because you have a trainer doesn't mean you have to start buying nike and drinking protein shakes. I hate protein shakes. And I talk about life. About compassion and judging and people today and news and family and relationships. It's incredibly refreshing to have somebody say 'suck it up and stop whining' to your heartfelt emotional day rather than 'oh-my-goodness-you-are-so-amazing-and-my-hero-and-your-life-is-so-hard' 

The biggest aspect of having a trainer is the confidence it gives me. I had a shocking lack of confidence and self belief. My trainer and all the gym people have never stopped encouraging me and telling me I can do it. I've realised that I can choose to keep going and I can choose to be positive - some days in my head it feels impossible but there is always a choice to be made. Trainers literally take everything in their stride, all the workouts whether you do great or shit they are always encouraging and positive and I don't know how  they do it with the crazy hours they work.

You could look at it and say - well I've been training for 3 months and I weigh the same and look the same, but I genuinely am a different person since I started with a trainer. I actually BELIEVE that I can do this shit. I know there's still a long way to go with my eating but I believe I can make those changes. I deal with situations a lot better in my head. I can get more on top of my anxiety. I feel happier. It's given me hope, for me.

It's a long journey, it's the rest of my life but I'm so unbelievably grateful I came across that guys emails and started training with RSF. I think these next 3 months are going to be where progress is made for me but my goals remain the same - more energy, healthier, better diet, more positive about me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Ross and Kieran. For genuinely caring, for being human, for changing my perception of the fitness industry, for making me feel comfortable in a gym, for pushing me

A few days ago I bought a dress and realised I'd drop a dress size. That's my first victory. It's really hard to see these changes when you look in the mirror and criticize yourself daily. So I've been practising being happy with what I see - yes your face does look a bit thinner.

I go to the wedding and the guy I like is in love with someone else. Would be easy to turn around and say - great, she's thinner, she's more beautiful, she's got great skin - of course he's going to pick her. That would spiral into a huge pity party and I'm back to square one.

Second option - actually I look damn hot and she's actually a fantastic person. She deserves love as much as me. You can't help who you're attracted to and why. Why blame him? Why hate her?

Attraction is not skin deep. Remember on your next health kick to not spend all your energy on the outside and none of the inside. If you ask me, honesty and integrity and generosity and love and all the stuff that's inside is where the majority of your energy should go.

Hello and welcome! I have recently started a journey friends. I'm not calling it a diet or a health kick - it's a lifestyle change. A pivotal turning point in this thing I call my life.

Brief run down on me - 23 'a bit fat' (choice words from a charming Indian dressmaker I met in Mumbai this summer) never into sports, never found exercise fun. Love food.

Why change? Well let me tell you - it aint the old aesthetics. I'm comfortable in my own skin. Far too comfortable. Time for a challenge for a lazy bum like myself. In work everyday I see people who didn't look after their health as kids and are suffering for it now. Heart attacks, COPD, you name it. Sure, some people are unlucky. But a lot of people spend too much time in Greggs and not enough time in lycra. 

Scratch that, nobody needs to be spending any time in Lycra.

So back in January I started this thing called the Shed bootcamp. It was terrifying and incredible. Let me break a myth for you right now. Don't wait till your fit, till you've lost a bit of weight, till life is quieter. Don't wait till then to join a gym or do something crazy and intense like a bootcamp. Do it in the stressful times. That's when you need it most. 

Don't half ass challenge yourself. Either you're going to challenge yourself or you're not. Go for it. Even if it fails. So I started this bootcamp and I loved it. I'd started nursing a couple of months earlier in a crazy medical receiving unit and I was stressed out my box. These bootcamps helped me get through it and deal with the stress. Sadly, cause of my shifts and other life stuff I wasn't able to attend all the sessions. I was also terrible at sticking at the diet. But it was my start. I believed in myself, I walked taller and I knew I was able to do much more.

So when I came back from India this summer, I decided (God actually knows why) to hire a personal trainer. Everybody thought it was a waste of money and why couldn't I just do it myself but I was all DAMN IT I NEED ACCOUNTABILITY. So yeah. And it means I actually attend a gym twice a week. Winner winner chicken dinner. Which is actually all I eat right now. Go figure.