A Thousand Words

I spent so much time hating myself that I’m afraid I can’t stop. Every time I look at you, I wonder what you’d want me to improve, work on, how to better myself. I know you say I don’t have change anything, but I have a hard time believing that. I love you and I’m sorry for everything.

Every time I see you, I just want to fall in your arms, ugly crying and bawling that I love you so much. You’re the one person that can piss me off the most and you know how to push all my buttons, but everything’s alright when I look into those big brown eyes and see that smirk. I’ve never really found the words to describe the love we have, but it’s real and everyone sees. We can bicker like an old married couple about how you do the dishes or always have to rearrange the sheets after I’ve made the bed. You can be annoyed by how I always leave a mess on the bathroom sink or how I can’t stand people being “just” a bit late. I’ve looked at you a million times while walking beside you, trying to imagine what it’s like meeting you for the first time. Trying to inagine what other people see. But the truth is, there’s never anyone else when I’m with you. It’s just you and me. Lord knows I would change a million things about me if I could, but it never crossed my mind to change anything about us.

Trust me, if I could love myself I would.

I wish you the worst.

“… and you know I’d be lying if I said I never thought of ending things with you. But trust me when I say that every evening the thought crossed my mind, I ended up regretting it the next morning.”

"And it occurred to me when I walked home late at night, holding my umbrella tightly against the hard wind, shivering from the cold. Thinking about the evening I had just spent surrounded by people I didn't know, who didn't care about me and thought why I did do all that? I know it's just for you, but I don't know how I feel about all of it. I remember a time when that would be reason enough for me, but that feels long gone by now."

Right now, all I want is to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. Is that too much to ask for?

I never saw myself as lucky until I met you. Now that I did, I spend my days wondering if I was right all along.

I guess I kept telling myself we were happy, and you were right with not believing me

I promised myself I wouldn’t be hurt anymore, but then you came along and tore my heart to pieces without even trying.

I remember us standing in that bathroom, both crying. I remember me sliding in and out of the bed, not able to look at your face and wanting nothing more than to lie next to you. It scares me how much I love you, and how badly you can hurt me. I know we both can’t lie and it’s a relief, but it felt like a curse at that moment. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you and that I love you, and that it’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that I never really believed in myself the way you do. I can’t stand how you look at me when I’m ashamed of myself, because I know you love me and I can’t tell myself it’s not real. I never said those words to anyone else outside my family, but I meant it then and I mean it now. I love you and I’m terrified but I’ll try to be better, I promise.

If there’s one thing in life that I learned, it’s that you need to love and respect yourself first. If you don’t respect your own time, your energy, no one else will. You can be the kindest person in the world, but you’ll also be the loneliest. If you’re always agreeable, always patient, no one will ever listen. Be bold, be outspoken, and know when to walk away. It’s fine, you’re enough, it won’t ruin your life. It’ll only destroy what wasn’t meant to be, and remove the people from your life who had no place in it anyway.

I miss being young, I miss the way I used to write. I wrote about everything I knew nothing about, and I’ll never write that confidently ever again. I thought imagining what its like to fall in love was enough to write about it, that using a million metaphors for heartbreak was the same as actually having your heart broken. When every experience was new and exciting and at the same time, I felt more like an adult than a kid. Those times are forever lost on me.

We both know I tried too hard, while you didn’t try at all.

I never met anyone who makes me so happy and sad at the same time. I smile every time I think of you. I love how everything about us seems to fit perfectly, from the way our fingers interlace to how you press my head against your chest. My mom told me how she instantly noticed the way I look at you and how you look at me. And all at the same time, I’m scared of losing you, losing this. I’m afraid of the day that you’ll look right through me and see all the things I’ve desperately tried to hide. I’m not quirky, I’m a mess. I’m probably the biggest mess of a person you ever met and fell in love with. I just hope everything stays like this forever.