tiara

12/07/24

Here we are again. Recently met a nice gentleman however I did not want to proceed further cause I realized that “I’m not in love with this guy but I just want to enjoy the attention”. We’re serious people and we’re both looking forward to the next step but eventually I realize that actually I don’t like the man, the person who he is but I just enjoy the attention, the companion, safety and compassion he provided. So, I told him that I don’t think I could go further with him also letting him go to find his own happiness and hopefully he found a better woman who will love him for who he is and reciprocate his feelings.

I used to judge when someone said they reject the person because “s/he was too good for me” and now I’m eating my own word. I let him go cause he is too good for someone like me also because I cannot reciprocate his love. Now I’m in the withdrawal phase, cause I missed his attention only. Now I know why some people change partner easily after breakup because some people can’t bear the loneliness.

This morning when I open twitter there is heated discussion on how this man make a condescending post targeted to woman who advocate a woman right. The context is a husband requesting a ‘cucur ikan bilis” and the wife happily obliged to do so, and the remark goes as “you wont get this if you are marrying feminist. I am not feminist advocator I just want to comment that out all of woman who retaliate the statement, one comment that caught my eyes “why a people still comparing something they hate and did not get when all the thing that they wished for is in front of them?”

You hate feminist and luckily married to a woman who can boost your ego as well oblige to your patriarchal rule, why bother with women that you did not even want to married? Why you cant appreciate your wife love and effort making cucur, posting a gratitude post dedicated to your wife? but the audacity eating the cucur while thinking ‘some feminist’ wont kneel to your request which you are not even married? The obsession is repugnant. 

Idk when was the last time I post here. But, know that this post is not a fan post. I’m just too overwhelming lately and looking for a healthy outlet to let my emotion flow. A lot of thing happened all at once and my world turned upside down. It felt like I have been stumbled into the abyss and will I be saved? or like walking in the long endless tunnel without knowing will there really be a light at the end?

Everytime something happened in which I could not comprehend I will assure myself it is not too worse compared to what I have been through before, but this time I could not assure myself the same thing. 

I lost interest with mostly anything lately, had to force myself to eat, and dealing with the hallow in my head. The blow is too much and I could not focus on what in front of me. I messed up