some serious woe-is-me-ing under the cut. probably insufferable (at least, I feel like I’m whining, while simultaneously feeling very real large feelings about it). i’ll feel better in the morning.
I think my parents are sick of me. At least, sick of me being sick. My mom keeps congratulating me when a stumbling block I come across is “normal”. Like she just can’t wait to forget about me again, accept when she gets to brag about me a dinner parties.
I’m finally getting somewhere in terms of figuring out some neurodivergent supports that will /actually/ help me, and it’s like they don’t care. It’s been soooo hard to face the psych Powers That Be again, I’ve had to face some serious trauma for that and I did it. And now, I’m might get help that will actually aid me in avoid various recurrences of trauma in the future. Like. This is a big deal. And they only humor me when they talk to me about it. The trauma’s not happening now, so I guess there’s no point in processing it or something.
And, on top of it all, I found out that I am like. Much Smarter than I thought I was. I’m not saying this to brag obviously, but when my brother went through all this testing, my parents sure weren’t afraid to tell me how smart he was. I guess it’s cool to talk about how much smarter he is than everyone than it is to even acknowledge the sheer statistical improbability of my intelligence.
But then, exceptional performance is “at or near expectations” when it comes to me. I do well on something and they shrug and say “What did you expect?” A dynamic that minimizes my experiences and effort while simultaneously ostracizing me from my siblings, I might add. I don’t even feel comfortable turning to them for support. Why would they want to support me? They tortured me for years because I was “the favorite”. All that animosity for what amounted to less attention, in the end.
Fuck, maybe I”m just asking too much of my parents. y’know, by existing. I mean, I’m trans, gay, multiply (and variably) traumatized in ways they’ve never been able to help me with or relate to, neurodivergent, smarter than both of them, have skills and interests outside their pool of understanding, am chronically ill in a couple of ways. That’s a lot of Person. That’s a lot of Being. And they’ve got two other kids with BIG personalities.
Idk. Maybe I just need to adjust my expectations.
