down in a hole

I haven’t cried in over 24 hours and honestly that’s a huge accomplishment for me. *pats self on back*

I don’t know if I stress myself into being sick or what but this has got to fucking stop jesus. I missed yet another family function because I’m sick. I never get to do anything anymore. Makes me feel really used up and just exhausted of life -.- God I’m so mad at myself.

having an anxiety attack and no one is awake to talk to and I don’t know what to do I know it will pass but jesus christ this fucking sucks right now.

i fucking hate having anxiety i hate it i hate it i hate it. And it makes me hate me. God how nice it would be if I could just be fucking normal. 

so I’m really excited because I’m sitting here and realized that I want to draw. Dude I WANT to do something. It’s been weeks since I’ve had any twinge of enjoyment from doing things I usually enjoy. It’s the little successes. Anywho, I’m about to draw some cool stuff so c u l8r

Growing up, people always told me life was unfair. Had I known it would have been this unfair, I would have just stayed in the womb. Fuck this has been the worst week.

tbh none of this is really important but I just need to vent before I explode. I feel so stuck right now. Financially I am in a really shitty place, and I feel like I’m stuck in limbo.  Any time I don’t get things done right, it’s a failure in my mind. Lately, all I’ve been capable of is failures. My anxiety and depression have been fucking ridiculous, and I don’t know how I make it through most days. Everything is too stressful. On top of how I feel about everything else, I’ve been feeling super shitty about myself. Usually my self esteem is okay, but as of late, it’s been awful. I think very little of myself. Be it looks or just how I see myself as a human, it’s not good. I used to be sort of cute and now I look burned out and half dead and I’ve not felt this bad about myself ever. I’ve started the nervous habits I got rid of years ago and my nails and skin are now all picked at and not pretty anymore ): I’ve been constantly sick for the past two months and I’m not sure what gives. I’ve been to the ER twice and to a specialist with no real luck. I haven’t been able to get ahead no matter what I’ve done. The things that once brought me joy no longer do. I’m not sure if it’s just depression and stress wearing me down, but I can’t even muster up the energy for walks or errands half the time. I’ve been feeling lately that I would be better off dead. I’m not doing anything drastic about it, my life is by no means in jeopardy and I have no intention of harming myself, but life feels so pointless and things keep going wrong and at this rate it makes me wonder what the point even is. What’s the point of life if all I do is endlessly try and fail to do basic things? My mental health has been steadily at an all time low for several months, but I can’t afford to get any professional help. Even if I could, my car is broken down and I can’t get anywhere for it anyway. Well sorry for the rant I probably shouldn’t even post this god forbid my issues perpetuate any negativity in anyone else but maybe venting into the void that is the internet will help.

i’m pretty sure I’m losing my goddamned mind